Note

So, many people in the comments section have been passing blog links. As I've said in the comments section, I don't mind link sharing, but I do think it's kind of a pain in the butt to have to go back and hunt through comments to find a link. I thought I'd add a little box on the side over there ----> where I would put up links people have sent me/suggested reading. Now, I plan on reading a lot of these, but I don't know if I'll read all of them/when I'll get around to it. The ones that just started are the easiest, because I don't have so much too catch up on, but the ones that have been around awhile it'll take me a little bit to catch up on it. With that being said, I can't say if they're good, what their PG-R rating would be, ect. I don't get easily offended, but if you do, be forewarned, I haven't reviewed the content! Basically, don't hold it against me if the blog offends you, or if you don't like it, or whatever.


With that being said, I'm SUPER lazy, so I don't know if I'll go back through the comments and pull out the ones that people have already posted, or when I'll get around to it. I'm going to post the blogs I read, and the ones that were posted in today's comments, but if you want me to add your blog or a blog you read, email it to me at NothingmorethanLaura@gmail.com

I've also been toying with the idea of starting a panel to review blogs. I think that would be kinda cool. I know a lot of websites give out "awards" (basically little html badges you can put on your page.) And I thought it would be cool maybe to do something like that, or start a whole blog about blogs. However, 1.) I'd really want to have a panel, because I don't think it's fair to just have one person reviewing, I'd want a couple of different views. 2.) I suck at html, so I dunno if I could do the badge thing. BUT, if this is something you'd be interested in, let me know, and maybe I'll start it and recruit some reviewers.

I just think it would be nice too, to have a place to openly discuss the blogs, without having backlash from authors or authors deleting your comment or whatever. I know on blogger you can have a blog and add authors, so again, if you're interested, email me and let me know what you think and if you'd like to review!

Alright, I'm leaving for dinner soon, so I dunno if I'll get it up before I leave, but I'll hopefully get it up tonight.

Also, a couple of people have written to me about their husbands, boyfriends, brothers, and friends who are in the military. I was also thinking of adding a yellow ribbon box with their names (or maybe just initials, if you want to keep it private.) So we can keep them in our thoughts/prayers. Even if that person has died, I would like to honor them in a way. Jason may be a jerk, but you can't deny that his service to this country is pretty selfless. I don't want to get on my soapbox, and I've kinda made it my personal policy not to discuss politics or religion because it gets messy, but my opinion is this: I don't like war. I don't think anyone does. It's a dirty, dangerous, devastating job. I wish we could all just get along and hold hands and sing or something (and no, I'm not really being sarcastic) but that's not how it is. So I think no matter what your political views are, or how you feel about the war, you still need to show love and support for our troops. My guess is most, if not all of them would rather be anywhere else. And I don't know that I believe in something so much that I would risk my life for it (besides my husband and my son.)

OK, I'm really done now. Email me and let me know what you think!

You're neither friend nor foe, but I can't seem to let you go

Drew didn’t say anything, so I pressed on with my story, telling him what was said, and how I was so over Jason and his merry-go-round. He cut me off a few minutes after I started.

“I’m sorry Ella. I told you to call me when you were over this whole Jason thing, and it doesn’t sound like you are.”

“I AM over it Drew, I just don’t know what to do anymore…” I was whining.
“No, you’re not over it Ella. You say you are, you said you’re tired of going back into the past and re-hashing this over and over again, but then, why are you letting him do it? Why do you care? He’s married Ella. You may not have been at the wedding, but I can assure you, they are, in fact, legally married.”

“I KNOW that Drew, it’s just, he’s my best friend.”

Drew’s laugh caught me off guard, and suddenly I felt very hurt. Was he making fun of me? Was he turning this whole thing into a joke?

“I’m sorry Ella, did you honestly say he’s your best friend?”

“You know he is Drew.”

“No, Ella. He’s not, and I don’t know if you can even really call him a friend anymore.”

“How can you say that? I’ve known him forever!” I shouted back. I wanted desperately to go into the house, and the dogs were whining at the back door, wanting to go in too, but I didn’t want to risk Matt overhearing our conversation.

“I’ve known him longer than you, and I don’t know if I really consider him a friend anymore. Ella, when are you going to wake up and realize that Jason is 100%, grade ‘A’ jackass? He’s not who he used to be. You keep waiting for that guy to come back, and he’s not going too. He’s gone. A real friend would never put you in half the positions that he has, and a real man would NEVER admit that he chose wrong, at least while he was STILL married! And, they’ve been married all of what, two months? Do you think he’s honestly given it a try at all?” He took a deep breath.

“Besides, Ella. If he’s really your best friend, how come it’s me you’re always coming to when he hurts you? Which, even you have to admit is pretty often. How come when you have good news, I’m always the one you call, or bad news, or any news? When’s the last time you even had a serious conversation about something other than the two of you?”

“Why can’t I have two best friends Drew?” I said, feeling chastised.

“You can Ella, when both of those people are really your friend. But it feels… Cheap, to have to share that title with someone like him. I’m putting in all this work, and still, I always come up even with someone who does nothing but cause trouble in your life. I do one thing wrong in how many years of friendship, and I get cut off totally, and you finally break down and call me, why? Because of him. He screws you over, over and over again. He cuts you off, walks away, leaves you alone, and no questions asked, he’s allowed back in your life. And to be perfectly honest Ella, you’re not much of a friend either.”

I took a sharp breath in. It physically hurt to hear him say that.

“Well, El. When’s the last time you asked me what was going on in my life? Do you think you’re the only one who has problems? When’s the last time you called Toni to see how the kids were, or Sean to see how his kids are? When is honestly the last time you thought about anyone but yourself?”

“I think about other people all the time…” I started weakly.

“Maybe you THINK about other people, but you don’t show it.”

“I’m sorry.”

He sighed. “Look. I know it’s hard. I know you and Jason have been through a lot. But when’s it going to be time to just give up and walk away?”

I didn’t say anything. I knew he was right, but Jason had been a part of my life for so long. I just couldn’t imagine how he would be without him. I decided to change the subject.

“How’s your life been lately? I missed you.”

“It’s been OK. My parents are getting divorced.”

“What?” I was shocked. It’s not that Drew’s parents were in love and I could never see them separating… It’s just that they were so… Monotone. They were sad, but they were sad together, and I just couldn’t see them putting in the effort to separate.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.” Drew didn’t sound upset or happy about it.

“Well, how’d that come about? I mean, what happened?”

“I don’t know. I mean I think Dad was just as surprised as I was. From what he and Mom told me, it sounds like she just woke up one day and got tired of being sad. I mean I don’t really understand why she couldn’t try being happy with Dad. I think he just reminds her of the twins, and she’s just tired of missing them.”

“Do you ever think about them?” I figured it was safe to head inside now, and so I got up and started walking towards the back door.

He was quiet for a moment, and I knew he was thinking about them now.

“Honestly? Not really. I used to think about them a lot when I was younger. Wondering what it would have been like not to be an only child. I’d imagine them when I got bored and wanted someone to play with. But, at this point, the majority of my life has been without them.”

“I’m sorry.” I was at a loss of what to say. I wasn’t good at handing out condolences, I always felt like they sounded fake.

“Don’t be. I mean, maybe they can’t be together, maybe they’ll be happier when they’re apart. That’s what I’m hoping at least.”

I had meant I was sorry for Drew’s loss, not his parent’s divorce. But, that was typical Drew, I realized, always thinking about other people, and not himself.

“Well, I’m sorry about everything else, too. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know Ella. And I didn’t mean to hurt you either. But, I think you do need to rearrange some things in your life. I can’t deal with anymore Jason drama, and I don’t think you can either. It’s also not fair to Kayla, do you think she knows any of this is going on?”

“I don’t know.” Kayla and I had had a rough past, but she and I had gotten closer. She didn’t deserve this.

“I doubt that she does.”

Those words hung in the air between us for a few minutes, neither of us knowing what to say next.

“Look, work’s really stressful, but, I think I need a break. I was thinking a road trip? Do you mind if I come visit? It’s been awhile since I’ve seen Toni, Nick, and the kids.”

“I’d like that.”

“Well, I better go, but, I’ll call you tomorrow, and we can hammer out the details, OK?”

“Deal. Later gator.”

“Bye Drewbie.”

I let the dogs into the house and followed after them. The conversations had left me drained, I wanted a snack, I wanted warm PJ’s, and I wanted my bed. I gave the dogs a treat for hanging in there with me, and grabbed some leftover chicken from a few days ago, not bothering to heat it up, as well as a bottled water. I passed by Matt’s room on the way to my own. His door was open a crack, and I could hear him on the phone.

“I’ve been gone all day Kellie! I wasn’t ignoring you!” His tone was clipped and forced, and I quickly moved on, not wanting to eavesdrop, and not needing any more drama to fall into my lap.


I ate my chicken, drank my water, turned off my cell phone, and tried to shut off my brain and my thoughts. I tossed and turned for at least a hour, and fell into a fitful sleep. I woke up the next morning earlier than usually, not feeling rested at all.

I took my shower and came and sat back on my bed to turn on my cell phone. To my relief, there was nothing from Jason, but I did have a text from Greg:
Greg: Early dinner tonight?

I sighed. I wasn’t sure I was in the mood for company, but I also didn’t want to sit at home and dwell on Jason either. I texted back to ask him the time and location, and picked some comfortable clothes to dress in.

Matt met me in the kitchen a little while later, nodding a good morning. He had bags and circles under his eyes that matched my own. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to ask about it or not. I knew he probably had fought with Kellie, and anytime before when I questioned him about her, he shut down, so I decided once again to leave it alone.

Breakfast was much like dinner the night before. Neither one of us felt like talking, so instead I listened to him sip on his coffee and crunch on his cereal. Finally I broke the silence.

“I’m meeting Greg after work for dinner. Do you think you can get a ride home?”

He nodded, swallowing. “Ed and I were actually going to hang out for a bit tonight. I need to blow off some steam, I think we may go work out or something.”

“Oooh, sounds like a great time, sorry I’m going to miss it.”

Matt smirked back at me sarcastically, walking his bowl and mug over to the sink.

“I, uh. Think I’m going to head home this weekend. Kellie’s going to come pick me up from work on Friday, so. You’ll have the house to yourself.”

“Oh. That’ll be fun. I actually think I’m leaving too. Going to visit a friend.”

“Well… Have fun.”

“Yeah, you too…” I trailed off.


We both got our stuff together and headed to the car. It was cold this morning, our breath hanging in the air. We didn’t talk the whole ride there, and Matt exited the car without a goodbye. I sat at the steering wheel for a minute, pretending to be looking for something in my console, but really I just wanted to give him time to get into the building without me. I was a little bummed that our friendship had grown so awkward so fast. I didn’t know what I had done, or why he and Kellie were fighting, and I didn’t particularly want to find out. I had always liked having guy friends because they were so easy to deal with, but now I was left wondering again where exactly had everything gotten so complicated.

Teacher's pet

A lot of people asked for more stories about my Mother in law. I have no problem sharing, I like to vent about her (and my poor husband loves it when someone else is on the receiving end of my venting) and I do think a lot of what she does tends to be pretty funny in hindsight.

However, I tend to vent and let it go. I can't really recall a lot of what she's done in the past (her most memorable moments are things I've already talked about - showing up late or super early repeatedly, being "sick" during important events...) I don't really see her too often, even though she lives 10-15 minutes away (she loves to give me a guilt about not seeing her, even though she's the one who doesn't answer or call me back when I call to make plans, cancels at the last minute, or doesn't call to make plans until the day before she wants to see us, and then is shocked when we didn't wait for her to call before we made other plans. She recently had to go to the hospital, and therefore canceled plans with us. The next time she saw us she told me to "pencil" her in to my "busy" schedule so that she could see us, when she's the one who canceled. Even though she for once had a valid reason to cancel, I still don't understand how I ended up getting blamed.) She also didn't see my son a lot when he was a newborn because she couldn't show up on time, and when my FIL had a whole day off, she decided she'd rather go shopping then to come see us, but didn't have a problem making me feel bad that she had "missed out on SO much!"

Anyway, my whole point is I don't have problems sharing my mother in law stories, but I don't really have a ton to tell right now. My funniest story is about the time we were all discussing how the old Sesame Streets had come out on DVD, but that they came with a parental warning. When my husband heard this, he was floored and asked "Why the hell would they put a parental warning on Sesame Street?!?" To which my MIL answered before I had a chance too: "Oh, I heard about that. It's because there's a black guy in it."

.....Yup. Then there was also the time she yelled at me for putting one of Cayden's toys on the Spanish setting, saying Cayden didn't need to learn Spanish, that it wouldn't help him out at all. She got really upset/flustered when my husband and busted out laughing, and didn't have much to say when we told her that you get higher paying jobs when you're bi-lingual, and most colleges actually required you to know two different languages.

She hasn't said too many more racist things anymore, since she yelled at me for calling my son a butthole and I told her I'd rather hear him drop the F bomb than say something racist.

Anyway, again, I luckily don't see her too often, but when I do, if she says anything ridiculous, I'll be sure to pass it on.


I was thinking last night about my school. Things weren't easy in my childhood, and I had my fair share of struggles. It's not something I would care to repeat. However, I did get lucky when it came to my school. Well. Sort of.

My town was tiny, my school even smaller. I knew everyone in the high school by name. This just meant the rumors got around, and quickly. We also had the reputation of being such a good school, that in order to keep up appearances, authority figures over looked certain things (a bad drug problem, which I think led to our nasty suicide rates.) In high school, there was a suicide every year, and that was just counting the ones that were successful, we never really knew how many attempts were made. After high school, I've known several other people to commit suicide. I really think it's part growing up in a town where you're a big fish in a little pond, and part drugs. I myself battled with depression, and ended up attempting suicide when I was 17.

The good thing about my school though, was I had many teachers who went above and beyond and really cared for me and the rest of their students. The one who stands out the most was my English teacher, Mr. Woodall.

I loved English (I'm not so great at the technical side, but a class where you're required to read and write? AWESOME.) But, after dealing with the WORST English teacher in the world for two years (he switched grades, so we had him twice. His name was Mr. Garrison, no joke, and he was a jerk, on top of being a bad teacher. And also very full of himself.)I ended up being switched to a "special" English class. I was really upset about this. I'm not afraid to say when I need extra help (I was placed in a special class for Math as well, which I desperately needed.) But, I really placed the blame on a crappy teacher. However, after being in this class for a few weeks, it was recognized by the whole staff that I didn't belong there, and I was able to switch to the regular English class. That's where I met Mr. Woodall.

Mr. Woodall was an AWESOME teacher. He came up with fun projects, told jokes, stayed after to help students. Even the mundane, boring, required tasks were fun. Every day when I walked in the class he would greet me with "You're the one, Lo. You're the one."

I didn't really understand what he met. I graduated 8th grade and moved on up into high school. I occasionally went back to visit, but life got busy, and visits were less frequent. Then Sophomore year rolled around. I was actually in English class when our teacher got pulled out into the hall. I knew it was bad news, and so I assumed it was another suicide. I started thinking about who I hadn't seen that morning. I was shocked when she came back an announced that it was, in fact, a teacher who had died.

Mr. Woodall had a heart condition due to untreated strep throat that he had when he was a child. We were told that his wife went in to wake him in the morning, and he never woke up. I always regretted not telling him how much he meant to me, and how he gave me back my love for reading and writing that Mr. Garrison stole from me. I know from my work in a non-profit that teaching kids? Not easy at all. And I had so much respect for him and the work that he did. It kills me that I never got to thank him.

I did, however, enter an essay about him in a Teacher of the Year contest, and ended up winning. Unfortunately, they moved Mr. Garrison up as Mr. Woodall's replacement, which is really horrible. I just wanted to take a moment and tell you about him, and to thank any teachers out there. Your students may not say so at the time, but you probably have touch their lives in a way.

What about you guys? Any special teachers? Are any of you teachers?

And real quick, I know there's been a few people talking about how 15 miles is coming back. I know some people have asked for blog recommendations, and I do recommend that one (http://fifteenmiles.blogspot.com/?zx=f50a463c55f74d5e) However, I have an opinion on everything, and I've stated my opinion on what went down on this blog a couple times before. In the comments, you have to take the good with the bad. I get really annoyed (to the point where I stopped reading one of the blogs I used to read) when author's open up comments, ask for peoples opinions, and get angry when people are honest.

I try to be real with what I do. I'll tell you up front, my writing is most likely going to be full of grammar errors, and that's probably not going to change. They'd be full of spelling errors too, if it weren't for spell check. I made up the posting schedule, and I'm trying my best to stick to it, but I don't have a problem changing it if it gets to be too much. You can say what you want, sometimes I'll have an explanation for why I do things the way I do, sometimes I'll take suggestions, sometimes I'll ignore anyone who's negative for no good reason. I think when you put yourself out there, you should expect that someone's not going to like you. You should expect that someone may be jealous and want to pick on you. You should expect that some people will critique you.

I do think the author handled it wrong. That's my opinion. But I also can admit that I never saw the emails that she got, and maybe some other things were going on that added to the stress of things. Someone mentioned they had mixed feelings about the whole deal, and I had to agree. I do kinda wish that she apologized, not to everyone, but to the people who DID support her. But, I also can't say I'm not going to read it anymore, the story is just THAT good, I know I'd be lying.

All in all, writing a blog I don't think is hard as some people make it out to be. I think a lot of the authors add stress to themselves. If you don't have time to post, then change your schedule. If someone says something nasty, ignore it! Who cares that someone doesn't like what you wrote, why does it matter? It's not like you know these people in real life, and obviously on a lot of these blogs the people who dislike things are in the minority.

Anyway, I know some people are going to be like "why are you talking trash about other blogs? Why does it even matter?" It's just that it's whatever wednesday, and being up this late, playing mafia wars on facebook, that's part of what I was thinking about. I know I can be a little judgmental of people, or at least it can come off that way. It's just that I have an opinion that I like to share, but on the flip side, I'm also willing to let people share and have their own opinions.

So what do you guys think? I know a lot of you read other blogs, what do you think about them? SHARE YOUR LINKS TOO! I'm in need of new blogs to read :-)

FB: Even Heroes have the right to bleed

Jacob set me down and I felt another tap on my shoulder. I turned and there was Jason, Kayla clinging to his hand, a mile wide grin plastered on his face. I squealed loudly and jumped into his arms, and he dropped Kayla’s hand and squeezed me back, laughing. I was torn between laughing and crying. Both emotions eventually won out, and I found myself laughing through tears.

“I’m so happy!” I exclaimed as Jason dropped me back to the ground.

Drew gave Jason a head bob and Jason laughed and pulled him in for a hug too.

“Me too!” Jason replied. “It feels so good to be home.” He put one arm over me, and draped another around Kayla. Jacob came to my other side, and Drew walked in front of us. I felt Kayla wrap her arm around Jason’s waist, and I felt like she was trying to pull him away from me. I bit my lip, and instead of pulling him back closer to me, I snuggled in closer to Jacob.

We got back to the house, and Jacob and Jason went to go change into their civies.

“Ella, can you help me get the food out?” Drew asked.

I wanted to say no, and go wait with Kayla for the boys to come down. It was like we were two lost puppies whose owners had finally been found, and now we didn’t want to let them out of our sight for a second. It may have been my imagination, but I swear Kayla smirked at me as she headed up the stairs to go see Jason.

“You couldn’t do this by yourself?” I said, breezing into the kitchen.

“You need to watch it.” Drew told me, his voice lowered.

“What do you mean?” I said, grabbing a platter of cheese and crackers.

“Kayla gave you the evil eye when you were hugging Jason. I think she may be a little jealous.”

“Oh whatever. Jealous of what?” I said, rolling my eyes. “Jason picked her over me. And I think I’m about to get with Jacob.”

Drew sighed, and followed me into the room carrying a platter with fixings for a sub.

“You can just be a little over affectionate at times, Ella. She’s waited too. Just tone it down, OK?”

I rolled my eyes and set the platter down, ignoring his comment and heading back to the other room, where Jason and Jacob were waiting. Kayla was so close to Jason she might as well been on his lap. I tried not to look at them and instead walked over to Jacob and sat down next to him.

“How’s your Mom?” I asked as he reached for my hand.

“She’s good. She, uh, asked if you were going to come see her.”

Kayla looked up from Jason when she heard this. I eyed her, and she quickly looked away, but I knew she was still listening.

“Well. I was going back for Jason’s coming home party.” I thought I saw Kayla’s eyes narrow. Drew’s words had made me super paranoid. “I just didn’t know you wanted me to meet your mother.”

It made me a little nervous, that Jacob already wanted me to meet his mother. He had talked about not moving too quickly with him leaving for Iraq, but now I felt like we were going from zero to sixty in no time. I did want to meet his mother though, and I did want things to go in that direction, but I was a little confused to how we were going to take things slow and now… Wasn’t meeting someone’s Mom a big step?

“Well. I mean if you’re already going to be in town… I would like to spend some time with you, if possibly.” He looked at me shyly.

I smiled at him. It was beyond adorable to see Jacob act shy, especially considering how gorgeous he was. I was used to guys who were good looking to be full on themselves, which was a turn off. It was almost as if Jacob didn’t know how cute he was, and that just made him even more attractive.

“I’d like that.” I said, suddenly feeling a little shy myself.


Kayla and Jason mainly kept to themselves. Again, I might have been paranoid, Drew’s words were still ringing in my head, causing me to analyze every move they made. But, it seemed to me whenever Jason came within two feet of me, Kayla bee-lined near me too, and just hovered. Then again, she never really let Jason more than two feet from her anyway, and I can’t say that I blamed her for that. I felt a little bad for Drew, with Kayla constantly touching Jason and Jacob and I constantly touching each other, he was the odd man out. He didn’t seem to mind much, and seemed genuinely glad to be back in Jason’s company. I knew he had missed him, even though it wasn’t the manly thing to admit it.

Like before they left, we sat together, eating and drinking, and stories were being told. Only this time the stories weren’t necessarily good ones. The boys recounted their adventures in Iraq, and some were scary, some were hilarious, and some just made them get a blank, faraway look in their eyes, and I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad.

We continued drinking, which could have been a bad thing. I think I’ve mentioned before, I don’t tend to drink a lot. I come from a family of alcoholics, two of my uncle died from alcoholism (one had cirrhosis of the liver, the other died of alcohol poison which was later ruled a suicide.) But that night we all drank, and we all got a slow, warm, happy buzz. We ate at home, went to the cookout that the hotel threw, and came home and ate and drank some more. Somewhere along the line, Drew found a dusty old twister game and all of us decided that yes it was a GREAT idea to play.

It started out fine. Drew offered to spin, and Jacob offered to judge. I never knew twister needed a judge, but both Jacob and Drew adamantly agreed that a judge was not only a good thing to have, be necessary to proper twister playing. They both kept going on and on about proper foot placement that eventually we were all amazed that we had never played twister without a judge before.

It was easy, as it always is, at first. But, it quickly went downhill, probably a lot faster than normal because of the amount that we had drank. One second Jason and I were right next to each other, and the next he was bridged over me. I didn’t think anything of it, Jason and I had certainly been closer, but the next spin, Jason slipped or something, and collapsed on top of me. I felt my ankle twist in an unnatural way under me, and a loud pop echoed in my ears.

And then, pain. Sharp, throbbing pain.

“Get OFF me!” I cried, pushing him away.

He looked back, the smile still on his face, but a confused look in his eye.
“What happened?” Drew said, dropping the spinner and kneeling next to me.

“I think Kayla pushed him and he fell on Ella.” Jacob said, coming up beside Drew. He gingerly took my ankle into his hand, but I pushed him away too. Any movement seemed to make my ankle throb more, even breathing or blinking.

“I didn’t push Jason!” Kayla said defensively. “Why would I do that?”

“Cuz you wanted to win?” Jason countered.

Kayla just shook her head and crossed her arms across her chest. I wasn’t sure she pushed Jason either. The whole night she seemed to want to keep him away from me, why would she push him when he was overtop of me? She had to have known that he would have fallen on me, and I know I wouldn’t want my boyfriend laying on top of some girl, even if it were for only a few seconds. Jason must have just lost his balance.

“Ella, you have to let someone look at it.” Drew said calmly. It seemed as if the accident had sobered most of us up.

“You can look all you want, I just don’t want you to touch!” I replied.

“Well, hon, I hate to tell you this, but you’re going to have to pull off your sock in order for us to see it.”

I cringed. I knew he was right but I really didn’t want him to be. As gingerly as possible, I peeled my sock off. It wasn’t easy, my ankle and foot were already swollen, making my sock tight. It probably would have been easier to just cut it off.

Drew cringed himself at the sight of it, and looked over at Jacob.

“Call a cab, I think she should go to the hospital.”


Drew and Jacob went to the hospital with me. Jason wanted to go as well, but Kayla argued that they weren’t going to let everyone back in the room with me, and there was no point sitting in a hospital waiting room all night. I agreed with her, but in the back of my mind, wondered again if she was really just trying to keep Jason away from me.

Kayla and I hadn’t really hung out a lot over the years, the camping trip was really the only quality time we had had together. She hadn’t been so possessive then, but Jason hadn’t left yet either. On the one hand, I couldn’t blame her for wanting to keep Jason to herself. They had just started dating when he left, and now he was home, but only for a short period of time. If I were in her shoes, I’d probably be hogging him to myself as well. But, on the other hand, Drew had said she had seemed jealous, and Jacob had said she had pushed Jason. What if that shove was really meant for me? To try to get me out of the game so it would have just been the two of them?

I shook my head. Kayla seemed sweet, she wouldn’t have done something like that. And, maybe I was feeling a little possessive of Jason myself. I was used to having him all to myself, being the center of his world. Maybe I would just have to get used to sharing him with someone else, and I would also have to get used to having another girl in our group. Things were changing, and I didn’t really like it, but what could I do? The only thing that ever remains constant is change. I would just had to adapt and move out, and get these “Kayla is a jealous bitch” thoughts out of my head.

The hospital was pretty busy, and we had to wait a long time to even be taken back to the triage area, and even longer for a doctor to come back. He breezed in and out, we waited over two hours for him to tell me what I could have told him when we got here, that I would need an x-ray. Surprisingly though, we didn’t have to wait too long for an x-ray, but waiting for the doctor to come back and give us the results was another hour. The nurse took pity on us, and snuck us in some snacks.

“I’m sorry your coming home turned into such a crappy night.” I said quietly to Jacob. Drew was in the corner, snoozing in a chair.

“It’s OK, I’d rather be here with you then anywhere else without you.” Was Jacob’s answer.

The pain didn’t seem too horrible after a comment like that. The doctor, however, looked a little more than confused when he came back to tell me that my ankle was in fact broken, and I still couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

Why do you try to hold on to what you'll never get a hold on?

My heart stopped. Literally stopped. And I think maybe I forgot to breathe, or forgot how too. I felt like I was drowning and realized, in a way I was, because I wasn’t breathing. I sucked in a deep breath, and then another, and then I couldn’t stop myself and was hyperventilating.

“Ella?” Jason asked. His voice went from angry to confused and sort of worried.

“That’s none of your business Jason.” I spit out. Fear and panic were suddenly gone, replaced by such a deep seeded rage. Who the hell did he think he was, bringing up the past and demanding answers? He never gave me any answers.

“I thought so too, at first. But, I was still curious. I mean, wouldn’t you be Ella? So I called Drew, and he told me I should ask you. He wasn’t shocked at all, so he knew about it. But, you two have always been close, so maybe that’s not such a surprise. But, when I called Nick, to get his opinion on things, he wasn’t surprised either, and he said the same thing Drew said.” Jason’s voice had a tone to it, it’s hard to describe, but it was like velvet over steel, soft but with a hard edge lurking underneath it all.

“You’re telling me it’s none of my business, but how is it everyone’s but mine? You even told Kayla, Ella. KAYLA! You two being friends is bullshit, and you know it!” He suddenly shouted.

I didn’t know what to say, he was right in a way. I would be really hurt to find out the he or Drew had kept something so serious from me, and even more hurt if I had found out that everyone but me had known about it.

“It was Jake, wasn’t it?” Jason said, his voice lower and calmer.

“Jake?” I questioned, lost. “Oh. Jacob? No, Jason, it wasn’t him.”

“You didn’t really date too much after Jacob…” Jason trailed off. I knew he was wracking his brain trying to think of who it might be, and I knew once again, he was totally clueless.

“Why does this matter so much to you? It’s in the past, Jason, why can’t it just stay there?”

“Because I thought I knew you better than that.”

He sounded so sad, it almost broke my heart.

I sighed, and tapped my fingers on the table. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want the truth to come out like this, I was actually hoping the truth would never have to come out.

“It was before Jacob, Jason. It was a crazy time, and I really. I just don’t want to talk about it, OK?”

“It’s just. We’ve been through so much Ella. And I know we’ve both changed, and I know we’re not as close as we used to be. But I never thought. I mean this is a big deal, how could you not tell me?”

Again, with the sad in his voice. If he was this upset over me not telling him, how much more upset would he be if he found out it was his baby I lost and never told him about?

I sighed deeply. “I told you, Jas. It was a crazy time, other things were going on, you and I were fighting, and I just. It hurt. It’s not something I love talking about, alright?”

“It was Chris, wasn’t it? He got you pregnant. I never liked that asshole. Did he help you at all, Ella?”

“Jason I keep telling you I don’t want to talk about it, and you just, you keep pushing. Why can’t you respect what I ask of you? Why does it always have to be what you want? Why can’t you respect my wishes?”

“Why can’t you just tell me?” He was pleading now. I wondered if in the back of his mind, he did know that it was him, and he was begging me to tell him differently.

“I think this may be a conversation we should have in person, Jason.”

“I think you’ve waited long enough and procrastinated enough, Ella. Just tell me.”


I had never really heard the pleading tone in Jason’s voice. Jason was confident, which is probably why he tended to get what he wanted. He had a way of asking that wasn’t so much asking as telling you what you were going to do. He sounded a little lost. Again, I felt a drop in my stomach. He knew, he knew it was him, and he just wanted me to tell him it was someone else, anyone but him.

“I found out I was pregnant when I was talking to you. I flew out to California to tell you, but then. It just, didn’t feel right, to make up and drop something like that on you. I came home and found out I had lost the baby, and I meant to tell you, but when was a good time? I tried to tell you Jason, at your going away party, but you were just so drunk, and so mean…” I trailed off.

“Who’s was it, Ella?” He repeated.

“Yours, Jason. The baby was yours.” I let it slip from my lips quietly, but we both felt it when it hit the air, it still had a heavy impact.

I fully expected Jason to hang up, to curse, to scream, to yell at me. But all I heard was a quick intake of breath, as if he had been stabbed. After that, there was just silence, and I would have thought that he did hang up on me, until I heard quiet, uneven huffs and sniffles. It took me a second to realize that Jason was crying.

“I’m sorry, I know I should have told you, but. It was just, such a crazy time. And I knew I had to tell you before you left for Iraq, I couldn’t let you go and come home to a newborn and not have known anything about it… But then I lost the baby and I didn’t know how to tell you, and then I did tell you at the party, but you told me I was always trying to wreck things for you, and I just. I didn’t know what to do Jason. You were with Kayla. You seemed happy. I just. I wanted you to be happy, even if you weren’t with me.”

“I wanted to be with you Ella. I knew the whole time I wanted to be with you, it was just.” He paused, and sighed. “It’s a little unnerving to know that you’ve met the person you want to spent the rest of your life with at fourteen. And I thought maybe it was just that I had known you so well, I felt a little trapped, so I tried to get away from you and try other things, meet new people. But, after you came to me in California, I just knew. There was no point in trying. But then you just got so distant, and Drew told me you had said you didn’t want to be with me anymore, so I just. I thought I had ruined everything. I was upset and Kayla was there for me, and she’s always been there for me, so I just thought…”

“Jason, this is just a whole bunch of past that I’d rather not bring into the present. It took me a long time to get over you, and I’m not even sure I’m fully there yet. I don’t really see the point in bringing all of this up again, there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“You should have told me sooner, Ella.” His voice switched quickly from sad to scolding and judgemental.

“I tried!” I shouted. I was starting to get frustrated, I felt like we were running around in circles and not really getting anywhere. It always felt like this was the case with Jason, we just did laps, circling around the same point over and over again, never really getting anywhere.

“You didn’t try hard enough, or else I would have known sooner, not years later!” He shouted back.

I felt the blood rise to my face, boiling. I had to hold myself back and make myself breathe through my anger. How dare he judge me? I was placed between a rock and a hard place, and maybe I didn’t make the right choice, but I made the best choice for everyone involved at the time.

“Jason.” I said, clenching my teeth and working hard to keep my voice even. “When would have been the right time to tell you? You left for Iraq, I was a little more concerned with sending you off in the right frame on mind so that you would come home again. I didn’t want to depress you before you left.”

“Did you ever think I was already depressed? Jesus Ella. You call me dense, you say I don’t see things? You’re the same way! You don’t see what’s right in front of your face!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Jason.” I said, honestly confused.

“I loved you Ella. I’ve always freaking loved you, and I had to settle for second best because I thought you didn’t love me. You’ve blamed me this whole time for how we ended, but you never put yourself out there. You want everyone else to put themselves and their hearts on the line and you don’t do any of it.” He paused, and I could hear him sniffle again. It was hard, Jason was manly in every sense of the word, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen or heard him cry. “Maybe it’s not your fault. But you’ve blamed me all along, and maybe it’s not mine either.”

I had nothing left to say to him. I felt very tired, and all of a sudden the cold hit me. I could feel it deep in my bones. My heart ached, and I just wanted to be inside, in my bed, curled up with Cumulus.

“I can’t do this anymore Jason. I can’t run around in circles anymore, I can’t keep going back to the past, and to you and me, and what we are or aren’t supposed to be. I made what I felt like was the best choice at the time. It may have been the wrong one, but I can’t go back and change it now. You also made a choice, you picked Kayla. You never fought for me. Maybe I didn’t fight for you either, but isn’t that saying something? That we both could let each other go so easily?”

“I don’t see it like that.” Jason said stubbornly.

I had to laugh, I could stop myself. It didn’t sound normal, it sounded a little bitter and choked.
“I don’t know how you see it then, Jay. What else do you want me to do? What do you want from me?” The tears had started, and I realized I was pleading with him. I had been doing this for years, dealing with Jason, trying to figure out what he wanted and how to make him happy. I just wanted answers, just wanted to know what to do to fix this. I just wanted to go back to how we were, how easy it was to be together, even if we had to cut out all the romance. My life was in such chaos lately, and I just wanted it all to come back together, to go back to how it was.

He was quiet. I could almost hear the struggle going on in his head, and I knew he was mulling over something. I never could have guess what would come out of his mouth next.

“I want you, Ella.”

Again, I was confused.

“I don’t know what you mean, Jason. You want me how?”

“I just… I want you. I made a mistake, I chose wrong, I want you.”

I suddenly felt like I was going to vomit. It was funny, in a way. For so long those were the words that I wanted to hear, and now that they were being said, it made me feel sick. I could help it, I hung up the phone. My brain was on overload, and sirens were blaring, and all I could think was, run!

I quickly picked up the phone and dialed again. I didn’t even wait for him to say hello.

“Drew, I need you.”

Flashback: And it's OK, if you had to go away...

It felt like I had spent months in slow motion, waiting, and then was thrown into fast forward. I packed for the party, and went to bed, waking early to Drew knocking on the door. He had to work last night but still decided to drive here to pick me up so we could fly together. We dropped his rented car off at the airport, checked our bags, and made our way through security. Some people might think it was a tad annoying to come this far and have to wait some more, but I was fine with it. I knew my boys were back, had been back for a few days, getting debriefed and all that. Sure, I missed them, and I couldn’t wait to be there, but I was just happy that both of them had made it home safe.

Others hadn’t been so lucky. I had been reminded of this about halfway through their deployment when Jason and Jacob had emailed to tell me about a close call that had taken the life of a good friend of theirs.

Drew and I didn’t talk. He looked exhausted, his head leaned back, his eyes closed. I thought he was asleep, until he reached out a hand to stop my bouncing leg. It was a nervous habit I had picked up from my Mom. I stopped bouncing, and mumbled an apology. I started cracking my knuckles instead. This caused Drew to sigh loudly, and open one eye long enough to shoot me a dirty look. I stopped mid crack, and folded my hands together on my lap. I managed to sit still until they called our flight, and then tried to focus on my book. After reading the same sentence four times, and still not being able to make any sense of it, I put the book away, and leaned back to close my own eyes. I hadn’t slept much the night before, and didn’t think I’d be able to fall asleep. I must have though, because the next thing I knew, we were touching down.

The party was being held at the same hotel that I had stayed at when I came to visit Jason at before. A lot of families were there to celebrate, and the majority of the hotel was full of Marine friends and families, and a lot of the guys had rented a bus to bring them from the base to the hotel.

We unpacked in the small cottage that Drew, Kayla, and I had rented to share (along with Jacob and Jason, whenever they got here.) Jason’s family wasn’t here, Jason was going home on leave to see them, and Jacob’s Mom was in the hospital, so they couldn’t make it either. She was having a routine surgery, so it was nothing major, and she had insisted that Jacob have some fun with his friends before he came home to deal with his dear old Mom. I had talked to her once, at her insistence (Jacob, I guess had told her a lot about me.) And she was really a sweetheart. She begged me to come home and visit with Jacob, which made me a little nervous. I liked Jacob, but I barely knew him. I respected him for deciding to wait to take things to the next level, but who knew if he would still want too now that he was home? Maybe I was just some girl to write home too, and now that he was home for awhile, he’d be free to chase other opportunities. There was also the fact that he still lived across the country, in a different time zone and everything. I liked Jacob, a lot more than I was willing to admit to anyone, and would be willing to put in the time and effort, but who knew if he would as well?

“Earth to Ella. Come in Ella!” Drew called.

“Did you say something?” I asked, looking up at him.

“Yeah.” He said laughing. “Where were you?”

“Just thinking.” I said, smiling back at him. As worried as I was, it was hard not to be in a good mood. It was a gorgeous day, sunny and bright, my boys were safe and would be here in a matter of hours… Even seeing Kayla when we arrived couldn’t bring me down. I was happy, and for the first time in months I wore a smile that just wouldn’t go away.

“Well, sunshine. You wanna hit up the store before the guys get here?”

“Yeah, I guess we better, I know how you guys eat!”


Since the hotel we were staying at relied heavily on families visiting their marines, they were throwing a huge welcome back party tonight, serving tons of food. However, we were staying the weekend, and boys? Eat. A lot. It’s almost like a competition between all of them to see who can jam the most food in their mouth. I knew, too, that the boys would also want to drink, so we needed to find a liquor store as well.

Kayla chose to stay at the cottage, while Drew and I hit up a grocery store, piling in meat, spices, charcoal, sodas, chips, cookies, cheese, crackers… The boys had spent months making ramen noodles over car engines, we wanted to make sure that anything they may crave would be available to them. I was shocked when we got our total, but Drew didn’t even blink and handed over the money without question.
“Drewbie, do you realize how much money you just spent on total junk food?” I asked, reaching into my purse to pay him half.

“Don’t worry about it El.” He said, pushing my hand away. “I want to do it. We’ve had months of blah. Let’s just have fun, OK?”

“Fine, but I’m buying the alcohol.” I said firmly, handing Drew money.

“Whatever El.” Drew said, laughing.


We loaded the car and drove around and found the liquor store. Drew went in by himself, and came out with a cart full of alcohol. Beer, mainly, but he got a few bottles to make mixed drinks, as I wouldn’t drink beer. He also got some Mike’s Hard and a few other “girlie” drinks. We were set for a month probably, but I knew we would also be sharing with other friends that Jason and Jacob would have over. I didn’t mind. I was in such a good mood that I felt like running down the street and hugging everyone. There’s nothing like a little sadness and heartache to make you realize how good you really do have it.

We made it home, and Kayla ran out as we were unloading the car.

“Jas just called. He said they’ll be here in an hour!” She squealed. She ran back inside, and I knew she was jumping into the shower to get ready. She wanted to look good for Jason, and I wanted to look good for both Jason and Jacob.

“Go on.” Drew said, reading my mind. “Get into the shower, I’ve got this. I don’t need to look pretty for anyone!”

I smiled, kissed his cheek, and darted off, heading to the shower in my room.

Since Kayla had reached her shower first, I got the cold water. But, I didn’t care. I heard washing your hair in cold water made it shinier anyway. Plus, the cold helped me to hurry, I needed time to dry and style my hair, and I couldn’t stay in the shower long.

I jumped out, wrapping a towel around my body and my hair. I spilled my make up case out on the sink, and with shaking hands, applied it carefully. I had to stop a redo it twice, but the final outcome was as close to perfect as I was going to get. I towel dried my hair for a few minutes, squeezed some product into my hands to create a textured look, and dried it. Finally, I slipped into my halter dress, and skipped the heels. I wanted to be able to run to them, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do so in heels. I slipped on a pair of flip-flops instead, and went downstairs to wait next to an anxious Kayla. One of us would get up to glance out the window, and as soon as she sat back down, the other would get up to check. Drew came downstairs, his hair damp from his own shower, and laughed.

“Come on, girls. You guys are making me dizzy. Let’s get some snacks ready or something, you guys are wearing holes in the carpet with all that pacing!”

Grudgingly, we both got up and headed towards the kitchen. Neither of us wanted to be far away from the door, and I think Kayla though I might try to hug Jason before her. We plated chips and crackers, and cut up slices of cheese.

“What the hell is taking them so long?” Kayla mumbled. I glanced at the clock. It had barely been an hour.

Drew mixed up a couple of drinks, hoping, I think, to calm our nerves a little bit. My leg was bouncing a mile a minute, and Kayla couldn’t stop biting on her nails. I knew the same thing was running through both our minds: would the boys who left us be the same boys who came home to us? Would they still want us? How much longer would we have to wait? It felt like I had boarded the plane to come to California years ago, and while I had been happy to wait this morning, both my patience and my nerves were wearing thin.

Drew clicked on the TV, I knew he was trying his best to distract us, but it just wasn’t working. We were so ready for this all to be over, drinks, food, and tv weren’t going to do anything but agitate our already annoyed state.

Finally, I heard a low rumbling, Kayla jumped up and ran to the window.

“They’re here!” She squealed, not bothering to wait for us, running outside.

I looked at Drew, and he started laughing.

“What exactly are you waiting for, Ella? An invitation? Go on!” He said.

I stood slowly, and then bolted out the door. People were coming from various rooms and cottages around us, as men streamed off the bus. I heard Kayla let out a whoop and located her quickly. She was in Jason arms, being swung in a circle. I couldn’t tell if she was laughing or crying, or possibly both.

I hesitated, I didn’t want to interrupt them, and suddenly I felt extremely shy. I stopped and hung back a little. I felt a small tap on the shoulder. I figured it was someone asking me to take a picture or something, and was surprised when I turned and saw Jacob standing there.

He looked at me and smiled.

“I’m home.” He said.

I jumped up into his arms, knocking both him and myself to the ground. He started laughing, but clung to me tight.

“God, I didn’t realize exactly how much I missed you.”

I'm a bad boy for breaking her heart. And I'm free - free fallin

I dropped Matt off at home, and ran out to run a few errands. He seemed like he wanted to be by himself, and I knew there were a few things we needed from the store. I cruised the aisle aimlessly, throwing random stuff in the cart, which was a good way to waste a lot of money. Usually I was pretty organized, writing lists, clipping coupons. Since today was spur of the moment, I ended up with a cartful of things, half of which I didn’t need.

I contemplated calling Jason back, but I liked being able to concentrate on nothing other than the products I was buying, stopping to look at random things, digging through the clearance items, examining ingredients. I didn’t call him back on the way home, either. Choosing instead to turn the radio up and sing along with the radio. It had been so long since I had been in the car alone, I even did an extra loop around the block in order to finish my favorite song.

When I got back to the house, it was dark. I figured Matt must have gone running. Usually we went together, and I felt a little hurt at being left behind. But, then I figured he too might want some alone time every now and then. I made it a point to offer the car up in case he wanted to go somewhere by himself. I gathered my bags, unlocked my door, and went into the kitchen to unpack. Then, I headed for my room. I flicked on the light and stopped at the sight of my bed.

In the middle sat an elephant stuffed animal. A card was propped up against it. I bit my lip, suddenly feeling a little shy and nervous. I backed into the hall.
“Matt?” I called, wondering if he was in fact home. I realized Cumulus hadn’t come to greet me either. He probably took him running.

No answer. I sighed, going back into my room and sitting down on the bed. I reached for the stuffed animal, setting it in my lap and stroking it’s soft fur. Elephants were one of my favorite animals, they were such amazing creatures. I had gushed on and on about them at the zoo that day, being especially excited and proud of Beco, our new baby elephant. I slide my finger under the flap of the card, gently tearing the edge. I don’t know what I expected to be written inside that letter, a confession of love, or what, I couldn’t place why I was so nervous to read it. There was just so much tension between Matt and I lately, and I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to happen. I knew something had to give.

He has a girlfriend, I thought to myself. On the other hand, he hadn’t actually done anything yet. But, if I had a boyfriend, would I want him acting like this towards another girl? Leaving her presents, flirting… Yet, everyone flirts, don’t they? He hadn’t made a move.

I sighed, and set down the card, not really knowing if I wanted to know what he had written. For all I knew, it could have been a grocery list, or a confession of love. Either way, I think part of me would be disappointed.

My phone rang and I jumped about a mile in the air. Jason, again. I sighed and clicked ignore. I already had one guy with a girlfriend, I didn’t need add him and his wife to the mix.

I eyed the card warily, and decided to just get it over with. Whatever it was, I would have to deal with it. I would have to thank Matt for the gift, and I couldn’t ignore the fact that there was also a card and possibly a note.

The front of the card had Colo on it. Colo, as I had told Matt earlier, was the first Gorilla to ever be born in captivity, and she was a special girl to everyone at the Columbus zoo.

A lot of the letter had been scratched out, like he had been struggling with the right thing to say. In the end, it was short and simple:


Ella-
Thanks so much for the great day, and for everything you’ve done for me. I can’t ever repay you for it, and I really appreciate that. Here’s looking forward to more great days. ,

-Matt


Hmm. I shut the card and slid it into my nightstand. I was tired of thinking about the whole subject, so I left the room, and went to start dinner.

Matt came home a little while later, with two tired dogs. I awkwardly thanked him for the gift, and he waved me off, heading for the shower. When he came back, dinner was awkward as well. Matt seemed annoyed and agitated, and I was questioning exactly how I should be acting around him. We mainly listened to each other chew, and when Matt offered to clear the table and do the dishes, I jumped at the chance to be away from him. Even though the dogs were still tired from their run with Matt, I took them out back to sit with me and run around in the yard.


While the days were still nice, the evenings and nights were starting to get a bite in the air. I reached for a sweatshirt on my way out the back door, and didn’t realized till I had slipped it on that it was one that Drew had left. I slipped it on, surrounded by his lingering scent and feeling as if his arms were around me once again.

When did everything get to be such a mess? I was always one of those girls who had more guy friends than girls. I liked the way guys acted, they were up front with their feelings. If they were pissed off you knew it. You didn’t have to worry about them backstabbing you and talking trash behind your back. The guys had always been easy, and except for the whole Jason debacle, we hadn’t had too much drama in our friendship. When did all that change? When did it all go to hell in a hand basket?


I missed Drew. I wanted to call him and have him tell me what to do about Matt. To tell me if Greg liked me, or if he was just playing games. I wanted to invite him over for a low key movie night, eat popcorn, cuddle, and not have to worry about what kind of signal I was sending out. There was always an easiness to Drew, and things never really got muddled with him. You always knew where you stood. Which is why I thought it was totally ridiculous to hear Toni say he was in love with me. Drew would have told me if he was. We would have worked it out.

Wouldn’t we?

I mean it’s true we hadn’t worked out this last hurdle. But, it was a pretty big hurdle to overcome. Drew had never lied to me before, and I wasn’t sure how to get over that. It’s true I probably should have cut him a break, seeing as how he was a first time offender, but that was part of the reason it was so hard to cut him a break. I would have expected it from a lot of people, but never Drew.


I sighed, watching the dogs sniff the grass to find just the right place to use the bathroom. I reached into my pocket, fingering the phone lightly, touching the numbers that I had dialed so many times. I wondered if I should call him, to tell him it was OK. That I was still hurt, but I got it. He was just trying to protect me, but in the future I’d like it to be taken into consideration that I was a big girl who could protect herself. Still, I had never seen him so angry as that day, and I didn’t know if it would be that easy. If I called, would he even answer? He had said he would, but it seemed like an awfully big risk to take. What if he didn’t? Where would I be then? Where would we be? I knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be to call. Still, I didn’t know if I had the stomach to put it all on the line like that. Drew was worth the risk, but with everything else going on – multiple boy drama, job drama – I just didn’t know if I could handle that rejection as well.

I propped my head in my hand and watched Cumulus sniff out the ground, and then flop down on his back to roll around in whatever he smelled. I was getting ready to go inside, the chill had gotten to me despite Drew’s sweatshirt, or maybe because of it, when my phone rang. I looked at it, hopeful. Maybe Drew decided to cut ME a break. No such luck. Jason, again. Worried that it might be an emergency, I decided to answer.


“Hello?”

“Bout damn time.” He snapped.

“What?” I asked, feeling a knot build up in my stomach.

“I called you and left you messages. Not talking to me either now?”

“I was busy today. I do have a life and it doesn’t revolve around you.” I snapped back. I paused, and then asked the question I didn’t know if I wanted an answer too. “Is something wrong? Did something happen?"

“Well, you could say that, in a way.” Jason answered, and I could hear the sarcastic smirk on his face.

“Jason what’s going on?” I was confused, and now I could feel panic reaching up and taking a hold of my throat. Something bad happened, probably to Drew, and now I wouldn’t get a chance to tell him I was sorry and make amends. I felt my throat start to tighten and I spit out “Jason tell me what the hell you’re talking about? Is everyone OK? Is Drew OK?”

“What are you talking about? Everyone is fine. Not that you seem to care, when’s the last time you talked to Drew anyway?” His voice had an edge to it, a bitter, angry, accusing tone that I don’t think I’ve ever heard Jason use before.

“Jason, I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why you called me so many times, I don’t know why you’re so angry, I don’t know why it matters when I last talked to Drew, I don’t know what’s going on. And if you’re not going to tell me, then I’m not going to waste my time. I have a life, you know. I have a job, I have other friends, and other responsibilities. I can’t drop what I’m doing to answer your every beck and call, and I’m tired of you thinking that I should. So either get off your fucking high horse and say what you need to say, or let me go.”

I waited for a response, aggravated that such a good day had to go to hell. I listened to his slow, deep breathing, kind of surprised that he hadn’t hung up on me.

“Hello?” I asked, trying to prompt him into responding.

“I was just making sure you were done with your little temper tantrum.”

“Oh don’t do that Jason, don’t act like you’re the only one who can be pissed off. You’re snapping at me and being sarcastic and I don’t even know why. I stand by what I said, are you going to tell me, or should I just get off the phone?”

He paused for a minute. “Well. Ella. The other day Kayla asked me to get something out of her email. And I was shocked to see that you two had been emailing.”

I swallowed hard, wondering where this was going. “I don’t know why that shocks you, Kayla and I are friends.”

“Well, what shocked me was finding out what you two were talking about. I thought we decided to wait on the whole surrogacy thing? And I thought we decided NOT to tell Kayla?”

I shrugged, knowing he couldn’t see me. I didn’t have an answer for him.

“And then, Ella, I was even more shocked when I stumbled across your medical history.”

“That’s private information.” I snapped, feeling the panic rise up again in my throat, tasting like bile.

“I didn’t know what it was when I opened it, but I can’t say I stopped reading hen I did know what it is. But back to the matter at hand, when, exactly Ella, were you going to tell me that you have a miscarriage, and who the hell did you get pregnant with anyway?”