Why do you try to hold on to what you'll never get a hold on?

My heart stopped. Literally stopped. And I think maybe I forgot to breathe, or forgot how too. I felt like I was drowning and realized, in a way I was, because I wasn’t breathing. I sucked in a deep breath, and then another, and then I couldn’t stop myself and was hyperventilating.

“Ella?” Jason asked. His voice went from angry to confused and sort of worried.

“That’s none of your business Jason.” I spit out. Fear and panic were suddenly gone, replaced by such a deep seeded rage. Who the hell did he think he was, bringing up the past and demanding answers? He never gave me any answers.

“I thought so too, at first. But, I was still curious. I mean, wouldn’t you be Ella? So I called Drew, and he told me I should ask you. He wasn’t shocked at all, so he knew about it. But, you two have always been close, so maybe that’s not such a surprise. But, when I called Nick, to get his opinion on things, he wasn’t surprised either, and he said the same thing Drew said.” Jason’s voice had a tone to it, it’s hard to describe, but it was like velvet over steel, soft but with a hard edge lurking underneath it all.

“You’re telling me it’s none of my business, but how is it everyone’s but mine? You even told Kayla, Ella. KAYLA! You two being friends is bullshit, and you know it!” He suddenly shouted.

I didn’t know what to say, he was right in a way. I would be really hurt to find out the he or Drew had kept something so serious from me, and even more hurt if I had found out that everyone but me had known about it.

“It was Jake, wasn’t it?” Jason said, his voice lower and calmer.

“Jake?” I questioned, lost. “Oh. Jacob? No, Jason, it wasn’t him.”

“You didn’t really date too much after Jacob…” Jason trailed off. I knew he was wracking his brain trying to think of who it might be, and I knew once again, he was totally clueless.

“Why does this matter so much to you? It’s in the past, Jason, why can’t it just stay there?”

“Because I thought I knew you better than that.”

He sounded so sad, it almost broke my heart.

I sighed, and tapped my fingers on the table. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want the truth to come out like this, I was actually hoping the truth would never have to come out.

“It was before Jacob, Jason. It was a crazy time, and I really. I just don’t want to talk about it, OK?”

“It’s just. We’ve been through so much Ella. And I know we’ve both changed, and I know we’re not as close as we used to be. But I never thought. I mean this is a big deal, how could you not tell me?”

Again, with the sad in his voice. If he was this upset over me not telling him, how much more upset would he be if he found out it was his baby I lost and never told him about?

I sighed deeply. “I told you, Jas. It was a crazy time, other things were going on, you and I were fighting, and I just. It hurt. It’s not something I love talking about, alright?”

“It was Chris, wasn’t it? He got you pregnant. I never liked that asshole. Did he help you at all, Ella?”

“Jason I keep telling you I don’t want to talk about it, and you just, you keep pushing. Why can’t you respect what I ask of you? Why does it always have to be what you want? Why can’t you respect my wishes?”

“Why can’t you just tell me?” He was pleading now. I wondered if in the back of his mind, he did know that it was him, and he was begging me to tell him differently.

“I think this may be a conversation we should have in person, Jason.”

“I think you’ve waited long enough and procrastinated enough, Ella. Just tell me.”


I had never really heard the pleading tone in Jason’s voice. Jason was confident, which is probably why he tended to get what he wanted. He had a way of asking that wasn’t so much asking as telling you what you were going to do. He sounded a little lost. Again, I felt a drop in my stomach. He knew, he knew it was him, and he just wanted me to tell him it was someone else, anyone but him.

“I found out I was pregnant when I was talking to you. I flew out to California to tell you, but then. It just, didn’t feel right, to make up and drop something like that on you. I came home and found out I had lost the baby, and I meant to tell you, but when was a good time? I tried to tell you Jason, at your going away party, but you were just so drunk, and so mean…” I trailed off.

“Who’s was it, Ella?” He repeated.

“Yours, Jason. The baby was yours.” I let it slip from my lips quietly, but we both felt it when it hit the air, it still had a heavy impact.

I fully expected Jason to hang up, to curse, to scream, to yell at me. But all I heard was a quick intake of breath, as if he had been stabbed. After that, there was just silence, and I would have thought that he did hang up on me, until I heard quiet, uneven huffs and sniffles. It took me a second to realize that Jason was crying.

“I’m sorry, I know I should have told you, but. It was just, such a crazy time. And I knew I had to tell you before you left for Iraq, I couldn’t let you go and come home to a newborn and not have known anything about it… But then I lost the baby and I didn’t know how to tell you, and then I did tell you at the party, but you told me I was always trying to wreck things for you, and I just. I didn’t know what to do Jason. You were with Kayla. You seemed happy. I just. I wanted you to be happy, even if you weren’t with me.”

“I wanted to be with you Ella. I knew the whole time I wanted to be with you, it was just.” He paused, and sighed. “It’s a little unnerving to know that you’ve met the person you want to spent the rest of your life with at fourteen. And I thought maybe it was just that I had known you so well, I felt a little trapped, so I tried to get away from you and try other things, meet new people. But, after you came to me in California, I just knew. There was no point in trying. But then you just got so distant, and Drew told me you had said you didn’t want to be with me anymore, so I just. I thought I had ruined everything. I was upset and Kayla was there for me, and she’s always been there for me, so I just thought…”

“Jason, this is just a whole bunch of past that I’d rather not bring into the present. It took me a long time to get over you, and I’m not even sure I’m fully there yet. I don’t really see the point in bringing all of this up again, there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“You should have told me sooner, Ella.” His voice switched quickly from sad to scolding and judgemental.

“I tried!” I shouted. I was starting to get frustrated, I felt like we were running around in circles and not really getting anywhere. It always felt like this was the case with Jason, we just did laps, circling around the same point over and over again, never really getting anywhere.

“You didn’t try hard enough, or else I would have known sooner, not years later!” He shouted back.

I felt the blood rise to my face, boiling. I had to hold myself back and make myself breathe through my anger. How dare he judge me? I was placed between a rock and a hard place, and maybe I didn’t make the right choice, but I made the best choice for everyone involved at the time.

“Jason.” I said, clenching my teeth and working hard to keep my voice even. “When would have been the right time to tell you? You left for Iraq, I was a little more concerned with sending you off in the right frame on mind so that you would come home again. I didn’t want to depress you before you left.”

“Did you ever think I was already depressed? Jesus Ella. You call me dense, you say I don’t see things? You’re the same way! You don’t see what’s right in front of your face!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Jason.” I said, honestly confused.

“I loved you Ella. I’ve always freaking loved you, and I had to settle for second best because I thought you didn’t love me. You’ve blamed me this whole time for how we ended, but you never put yourself out there. You want everyone else to put themselves and their hearts on the line and you don’t do any of it.” He paused, and I could hear him sniffle again. It was hard, Jason was manly in every sense of the word, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen or heard him cry. “Maybe it’s not your fault. But you’ve blamed me all along, and maybe it’s not mine either.”

I had nothing left to say to him. I felt very tired, and all of a sudden the cold hit me. I could feel it deep in my bones. My heart ached, and I just wanted to be inside, in my bed, curled up with Cumulus.

“I can’t do this anymore Jason. I can’t run around in circles anymore, I can’t keep going back to the past, and to you and me, and what we are or aren’t supposed to be. I made what I felt like was the best choice at the time. It may have been the wrong one, but I can’t go back and change it now. You also made a choice, you picked Kayla. You never fought for me. Maybe I didn’t fight for you either, but isn’t that saying something? That we both could let each other go so easily?”

“I don’t see it like that.” Jason said stubbornly.

I had to laugh, I could stop myself. It didn’t sound normal, it sounded a little bitter and choked.
“I don’t know how you see it then, Jay. What else do you want me to do? What do you want from me?” The tears had started, and I realized I was pleading with him. I had been doing this for years, dealing with Jason, trying to figure out what he wanted and how to make him happy. I just wanted answers, just wanted to know what to do to fix this. I just wanted to go back to how we were, how easy it was to be together, even if we had to cut out all the romance. My life was in such chaos lately, and I just wanted it all to come back together, to go back to how it was.

He was quiet. I could almost hear the struggle going on in his head, and I knew he was mulling over something. I never could have guess what would come out of his mouth next.

“I want you, Ella.”

Again, I was confused.

“I don’t know what you mean, Jason. You want me how?”

“I just… I want you. I made a mistake, I chose wrong, I want you.”

I suddenly felt like I was going to vomit. It was funny, in a way. For so long those were the words that I wanted to hear, and now that they were being said, it made me feel sick. I could help it, I hung up the phone. My brain was on overload, and sirens were blaring, and all I could think was, run!

I quickly picked up the phone and dialed again. I didn’t even wait for him to say hello.

“Drew, I need you.”