I'm a bad boy for breaking her heart. And I'm free - free fallin

I dropped Matt off at home, and ran out to run a few errands. He seemed like he wanted to be by himself, and I knew there were a few things we needed from the store. I cruised the aisle aimlessly, throwing random stuff in the cart, which was a good way to waste a lot of money. Usually I was pretty organized, writing lists, clipping coupons. Since today was spur of the moment, I ended up with a cartful of things, half of which I didn’t need.

I contemplated calling Jason back, but I liked being able to concentrate on nothing other than the products I was buying, stopping to look at random things, digging through the clearance items, examining ingredients. I didn’t call him back on the way home, either. Choosing instead to turn the radio up and sing along with the radio. It had been so long since I had been in the car alone, I even did an extra loop around the block in order to finish my favorite song.

When I got back to the house, it was dark. I figured Matt must have gone running. Usually we went together, and I felt a little hurt at being left behind. But, then I figured he too might want some alone time every now and then. I made it a point to offer the car up in case he wanted to go somewhere by himself. I gathered my bags, unlocked my door, and went into the kitchen to unpack. Then, I headed for my room. I flicked on the light and stopped at the sight of my bed.

In the middle sat an elephant stuffed animal. A card was propped up against it. I bit my lip, suddenly feeling a little shy and nervous. I backed into the hall.
“Matt?” I called, wondering if he was in fact home. I realized Cumulus hadn’t come to greet me either. He probably took him running.

No answer. I sighed, going back into my room and sitting down on the bed. I reached for the stuffed animal, setting it in my lap and stroking it’s soft fur. Elephants were one of my favorite animals, they were such amazing creatures. I had gushed on and on about them at the zoo that day, being especially excited and proud of Beco, our new baby elephant. I slide my finger under the flap of the card, gently tearing the edge. I don’t know what I expected to be written inside that letter, a confession of love, or what, I couldn’t place why I was so nervous to read it. There was just so much tension between Matt and I lately, and I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to happen. I knew something had to give.

He has a girlfriend, I thought to myself. On the other hand, he hadn’t actually done anything yet. But, if I had a boyfriend, would I want him acting like this towards another girl? Leaving her presents, flirting… Yet, everyone flirts, don’t they? He hadn’t made a move.

I sighed, and set down the card, not really knowing if I wanted to know what he had written. For all I knew, it could have been a grocery list, or a confession of love. Either way, I think part of me would be disappointed.

My phone rang and I jumped about a mile in the air. Jason, again. I sighed and clicked ignore. I already had one guy with a girlfriend, I didn’t need add him and his wife to the mix.

I eyed the card warily, and decided to just get it over with. Whatever it was, I would have to deal with it. I would have to thank Matt for the gift, and I couldn’t ignore the fact that there was also a card and possibly a note.

The front of the card had Colo on it. Colo, as I had told Matt earlier, was the first Gorilla to ever be born in captivity, and she was a special girl to everyone at the Columbus zoo.

A lot of the letter had been scratched out, like he had been struggling with the right thing to say. In the end, it was short and simple:


Ella-
Thanks so much for the great day, and for everything you’ve done for me. I can’t ever repay you for it, and I really appreciate that. Here’s looking forward to more great days. ,

-Matt


Hmm. I shut the card and slid it into my nightstand. I was tired of thinking about the whole subject, so I left the room, and went to start dinner.

Matt came home a little while later, with two tired dogs. I awkwardly thanked him for the gift, and he waved me off, heading for the shower. When he came back, dinner was awkward as well. Matt seemed annoyed and agitated, and I was questioning exactly how I should be acting around him. We mainly listened to each other chew, and when Matt offered to clear the table and do the dishes, I jumped at the chance to be away from him. Even though the dogs were still tired from their run with Matt, I took them out back to sit with me and run around in the yard.


While the days were still nice, the evenings and nights were starting to get a bite in the air. I reached for a sweatshirt on my way out the back door, and didn’t realized till I had slipped it on that it was one that Drew had left. I slipped it on, surrounded by his lingering scent and feeling as if his arms were around me once again.

When did everything get to be such a mess? I was always one of those girls who had more guy friends than girls. I liked the way guys acted, they were up front with their feelings. If they were pissed off you knew it. You didn’t have to worry about them backstabbing you and talking trash behind your back. The guys had always been easy, and except for the whole Jason debacle, we hadn’t had too much drama in our friendship. When did all that change? When did it all go to hell in a hand basket?


I missed Drew. I wanted to call him and have him tell me what to do about Matt. To tell me if Greg liked me, or if he was just playing games. I wanted to invite him over for a low key movie night, eat popcorn, cuddle, and not have to worry about what kind of signal I was sending out. There was always an easiness to Drew, and things never really got muddled with him. You always knew where you stood. Which is why I thought it was totally ridiculous to hear Toni say he was in love with me. Drew would have told me if he was. We would have worked it out.

Wouldn’t we?

I mean it’s true we hadn’t worked out this last hurdle. But, it was a pretty big hurdle to overcome. Drew had never lied to me before, and I wasn’t sure how to get over that. It’s true I probably should have cut him a break, seeing as how he was a first time offender, but that was part of the reason it was so hard to cut him a break. I would have expected it from a lot of people, but never Drew.


I sighed, watching the dogs sniff the grass to find just the right place to use the bathroom. I reached into my pocket, fingering the phone lightly, touching the numbers that I had dialed so many times. I wondered if I should call him, to tell him it was OK. That I was still hurt, but I got it. He was just trying to protect me, but in the future I’d like it to be taken into consideration that I was a big girl who could protect herself. Still, I had never seen him so angry as that day, and I didn’t know if it would be that easy. If I called, would he even answer? He had said he would, but it seemed like an awfully big risk to take. What if he didn’t? Where would I be then? Where would we be? I knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be to call. Still, I didn’t know if I had the stomach to put it all on the line like that. Drew was worth the risk, but with everything else going on – multiple boy drama, job drama – I just didn’t know if I could handle that rejection as well.

I propped my head in my hand and watched Cumulus sniff out the ground, and then flop down on his back to roll around in whatever he smelled. I was getting ready to go inside, the chill had gotten to me despite Drew’s sweatshirt, or maybe because of it, when my phone rang. I looked at it, hopeful. Maybe Drew decided to cut ME a break. No such luck. Jason, again. Worried that it might be an emergency, I decided to answer.


“Hello?”

“Bout damn time.” He snapped.

“What?” I asked, feeling a knot build up in my stomach.

“I called you and left you messages. Not talking to me either now?”

“I was busy today. I do have a life and it doesn’t revolve around you.” I snapped back. I paused, and then asked the question I didn’t know if I wanted an answer too. “Is something wrong? Did something happen?"

“Well, you could say that, in a way.” Jason answered, and I could hear the sarcastic smirk on his face.

“Jason what’s going on?” I was confused, and now I could feel panic reaching up and taking a hold of my throat. Something bad happened, probably to Drew, and now I wouldn’t get a chance to tell him I was sorry and make amends. I felt my throat start to tighten and I spit out “Jason tell me what the hell you’re talking about? Is everyone OK? Is Drew OK?”

“What are you talking about? Everyone is fine. Not that you seem to care, when’s the last time you talked to Drew anyway?” His voice had an edge to it, a bitter, angry, accusing tone that I don’t think I’ve ever heard Jason use before.

“Jason, I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why you called me so many times, I don’t know why you’re so angry, I don’t know why it matters when I last talked to Drew, I don’t know what’s going on. And if you’re not going to tell me, then I’m not going to waste my time. I have a life, you know. I have a job, I have other friends, and other responsibilities. I can’t drop what I’m doing to answer your every beck and call, and I’m tired of you thinking that I should. So either get off your fucking high horse and say what you need to say, or let me go.”

I waited for a response, aggravated that such a good day had to go to hell. I listened to his slow, deep breathing, kind of surprised that he hadn’t hung up on me.

“Hello?” I asked, trying to prompt him into responding.

“I was just making sure you were done with your little temper tantrum.”

“Oh don’t do that Jason, don’t act like you’re the only one who can be pissed off. You’re snapping at me and being sarcastic and I don’t even know why. I stand by what I said, are you going to tell me, or should I just get off the phone?”

He paused for a minute. “Well. Ella. The other day Kayla asked me to get something out of her email. And I was shocked to see that you two had been emailing.”

I swallowed hard, wondering where this was going. “I don’t know why that shocks you, Kayla and I are friends.”

“Well, what shocked me was finding out what you two were talking about. I thought we decided to wait on the whole surrogacy thing? And I thought we decided NOT to tell Kayla?”

I shrugged, knowing he couldn’t see me. I didn’t have an answer for him.

“And then, Ella, I was even more shocked when I stumbled across your medical history.”

“That’s private information.” I snapped, feeling the panic rise up again in my throat, tasting like bile.

“I didn’t know what it was when I opened it, but I can’t say I stopped reading hen I did know what it is. But back to the matter at hand, when, exactly Ella, were you going to tell me that you have a miscarriage, and who the hell did you get pregnant with anyway?”