You're neither friend nor foe, but I can't seem to let you go

Drew didn’t say anything, so I pressed on with my story, telling him what was said, and how I was so over Jason and his merry-go-round. He cut me off a few minutes after I started.

“I’m sorry Ella. I told you to call me when you were over this whole Jason thing, and it doesn’t sound like you are.”

“I AM over it Drew, I just don’t know what to do anymore…” I was whining.
“No, you’re not over it Ella. You say you are, you said you’re tired of going back into the past and re-hashing this over and over again, but then, why are you letting him do it? Why do you care? He’s married Ella. You may not have been at the wedding, but I can assure you, they are, in fact, legally married.”

“I KNOW that Drew, it’s just, he’s my best friend.”

Drew’s laugh caught me off guard, and suddenly I felt very hurt. Was he making fun of me? Was he turning this whole thing into a joke?

“I’m sorry Ella, did you honestly say he’s your best friend?”

“You know he is Drew.”

“No, Ella. He’s not, and I don’t know if you can even really call him a friend anymore.”

“How can you say that? I’ve known him forever!” I shouted back. I wanted desperately to go into the house, and the dogs were whining at the back door, wanting to go in too, but I didn’t want to risk Matt overhearing our conversation.

“I’ve known him longer than you, and I don’t know if I really consider him a friend anymore. Ella, when are you going to wake up and realize that Jason is 100%, grade ‘A’ jackass? He’s not who he used to be. You keep waiting for that guy to come back, and he’s not going too. He’s gone. A real friend would never put you in half the positions that he has, and a real man would NEVER admit that he chose wrong, at least while he was STILL married! And, they’ve been married all of what, two months? Do you think he’s honestly given it a try at all?” He took a deep breath.

“Besides, Ella. If he’s really your best friend, how come it’s me you’re always coming to when he hurts you? Which, even you have to admit is pretty often. How come when you have good news, I’m always the one you call, or bad news, or any news? When’s the last time you even had a serious conversation about something other than the two of you?”

“Why can’t I have two best friends Drew?” I said, feeling chastised.

“You can Ella, when both of those people are really your friend. But it feels… Cheap, to have to share that title with someone like him. I’m putting in all this work, and still, I always come up even with someone who does nothing but cause trouble in your life. I do one thing wrong in how many years of friendship, and I get cut off totally, and you finally break down and call me, why? Because of him. He screws you over, over and over again. He cuts you off, walks away, leaves you alone, and no questions asked, he’s allowed back in your life. And to be perfectly honest Ella, you’re not much of a friend either.”

I took a sharp breath in. It physically hurt to hear him say that.

“Well, El. When’s the last time you asked me what was going on in my life? Do you think you’re the only one who has problems? When’s the last time you called Toni to see how the kids were, or Sean to see how his kids are? When is honestly the last time you thought about anyone but yourself?”

“I think about other people all the time…” I started weakly.

“Maybe you THINK about other people, but you don’t show it.”

“I’m sorry.”

He sighed. “Look. I know it’s hard. I know you and Jason have been through a lot. But when’s it going to be time to just give up and walk away?”

I didn’t say anything. I knew he was right, but Jason had been a part of my life for so long. I just couldn’t imagine how he would be without him. I decided to change the subject.

“How’s your life been lately? I missed you.”

“It’s been OK. My parents are getting divorced.”

“What?” I was shocked. It’s not that Drew’s parents were in love and I could never see them separating… It’s just that they were so… Monotone. They were sad, but they were sad together, and I just couldn’t see them putting in the effort to separate.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.” Drew didn’t sound upset or happy about it.

“Well, how’d that come about? I mean, what happened?”

“I don’t know. I mean I think Dad was just as surprised as I was. From what he and Mom told me, it sounds like she just woke up one day and got tired of being sad. I mean I don’t really understand why she couldn’t try being happy with Dad. I think he just reminds her of the twins, and she’s just tired of missing them.”

“Do you ever think about them?” I figured it was safe to head inside now, and so I got up and started walking towards the back door.

He was quiet for a moment, and I knew he was thinking about them now.

“Honestly? Not really. I used to think about them a lot when I was younger. Wondering what it would have been like not to be an only child. I’d imagine them when I got bored and wanted someone to play with. But, at this point, the majority of my life has been without them.”

“I’m sorry.” I was at a loss of what to say. I wasn’t good at handing out condolences, I always felt like they sounded fake.

“Don’t be. I mean, maybe they can’t be together, maybe they’ll be happier when they’re apart. That’s what I’m hoping at least.”

I had meant I was sorry for Drew’s loss, not his parent’s divorce. But, that was typical Drew, I realized, always thinking about other people, and not himself.

“Well, I’m sorry about everything else, too. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know Ella. And I didn’t mean to hurt you either. But, I think you do need to rearrange some things in your life. I can’t deal with anymore Jason drama, and I don’t think you can either. It’s also not fair to Kayla, do you think she knows any of this is going on?”

“I don’t know.” Kayla and I had had a rough past, but she and I had gotten closer. She didn’t deserve this.

“I doubt that she does.”

Those words hung in the air between us for a few minutes, neither of us knowing what to say next.

“Look, work’s really stressful, but, I think I need a break. I was thinking a road trip? Do you mind if I come visit? It’s been awhile since I’ve seen Toni, Nick, and the kids.”

“I’d like that.”

“Well, I better go, but, I’ll call you tomorrow, and we can hammer out the details, OK?”

“Deal. Later gator.”

“Bye Drewbie.”

I let the dogs into the house and followed after them. The conversations had left me drained, I wanted a snack, I wanted warm PJ’s, and I wanted my bed. I gave the dogs a treat for hanging in there with me, and grabbed some leftover chicken from a few days ago, not bothering to heat it up, as well as a bottled water. I passed by Matt’s room on the way to my own. His door was open a crack, and I could hear him on the phone.

“I’ve been gone all day Kellie! I wasn’t ignoring you!” His tone was clipped and forced, and I quickly moved on, not wanting to eavesdrop, and not needing any more drama to fall into my lap.


I ate my chicken, drank my water, turned off my cell phone, and tried to shut off my brain and my thoughts. I tossed and turned for at least a hour, and fell into a fitful sleep. I woke up the next morning earlier than usually, not feeling rested at all.

I took my shower and came and sat back on my bed to turn on my cell phone. To my relief, there was nothing from Jason, but I did have a text from Greg:
Greg: Early dinner tonight?

I sighed. I wasn’t sure I was in the mood for company, but I also didn’t want to sit at home and dwell on Jason either. I texted back to ask him the time and location, and picked some comfortable clothes to dress in.

Matt met me in the kitchen a little while later, nodding a good morning. He had bags and circles under his eyes that matched my own. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to ask about it or not. I knew he probably had fought with Kellie, and anytime before when I questioned him about her, he shut down, so I decided once again to leave it alone.

Breakfast was much like dinner the night before. Neither one of us felt like talking, so instead I listened to him sip on his coffee and crunch on his cereal. Finally I broke the silence.

“I’m meeting Greg after work for dinner. Do you think you can get a ride home?”

He nodded, swallowing. “Ed and I were actually going to hang out for a bit tonight. I need to blow off some steam, I think we may go work out or something.”

“Oooh, sounds like a great time, sorry I’m going to miss it.”

Matt smirked back at me sarcastically, walking his bowl and mug over to the sink.

“I, uh. Think I’m going to head home this weekend. Kellie’s going to come pick me up from work on Friday, so. You’ll have the house to yourself.”

“Oh. That’ll be fun. I actually think I’m leaving too. Going to visit a friend.”

“Well… Have fun.”

“Yeah, you too…” I trailed off.


We both got our stuff together and headed to the car. It was cold this morning, our breath hanging in the air. We didn’t talk the whole ride there, and Matt exited the car without a goodbye. I sat at the steering wheel for a minute, pretending to be looking for something in my console, but really I just wanted to give him time to get into the building without me. I was a little bummed that our friendship had grown so awkward so fast. I didn’t know what I had done, or why he and Kellie were fighting, and I didn’t particularly want to find out. I had always liked having guy friends because they were so easy to deal with, but now I was left wondering again where exactly had everything gotten so complicated.