We could sit on the shore, we could just be friends... Or we could jump in

My head was spinning. Kissing Drew felt so right, but my head was screaming how wrong it was. I had already lost Jason, did I really need to put Drew at risk too?

He pulled away slowly, I couldn’t tell if it was because he didn’t want the kiss to end or if because he was afraid to see my reaction. He leaned his forehead against mine.

“Ella I’m sor….” He started.

I didn’t let him finish, I kissed him again. I knew it was a mistake, and the whole time alarms were ringing in my head to stop, to get out, to put the breaks on this whole thing. But I blocked them out. I couldn’t block out how Drew’s lips felt against mine, how my body molded to his, how comfortable it felt, but exciting too.

Now I was afraid to pull off and look at him. What was I doing? What if he had just kissed me because he was drunk? Is that what I wanted it to be? A random make out session with a good friend, something we could look back and laugh about later?

And, if that IS what I wanted, then how come my heart took a dive when I thought that’s all it might be? Why did kissing him feel so… Right? I had come to Indiana to be with Drew because with Drew things were simple. Things were easy. It wasn’t complicated, it was natural. Isn’t that what any girl wanted in a relationship?

Oh my God.
I’m in love with Drew.

I pulled away from him with this thought, sucking in air and feeling like I was drowning. I was panicking. When did this happen? Why did it happen? Did I want it to happen? The first time you fall in love, it’s so easy. They call it falling, because it just happens. The second time you realize they call it falling because you eventually land, and landing often hurts. So you fight falling. I had fought Drew all these years, and it didn’t do me a damn bit of good. Still, I didn’t want to end up hurt. I eased myself back down on the bench, my head spinning. My thoughts kept running in circles, and nothing seemed to make sense.

“Ella…” Drew ventured carefully.

“What exactly just happened?” I asked, genuinely confused. I felt like I had been in a car accident, blindsided. What was going on?

“Well… I… Kissed you.” He struggled with these words, and I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking.

“Why?” I realized it came out more like an accusation, when I meant it as a question.

“I… Don’t know.” Drew was hesitating. I felt stuck, I didn’t know what to say or do.

“Well…” I said, smacking my lips together. “That was… Fun?”

Really. I just told him that it was ‘fun’. I wanted to smack myself, but didn’t. I apparently didn’t need any help looking crazy.

Still, Drew laughed. “Yeah, fun it was.”

“You know. I’m ready to go home. My shoes are killing me, and this dress is super tight.” My tone was fake, too cheery. I knew it, but couldn’t change it.

“Well, I can go get the car…”

“No. No. You stay, have fun. Maybe find a cute girl. Toni said if I needed a ride I could call her. I’ll just crash there and then we can all meet up for breakfast tomorrow.”

“But aren’t you leaving tomorrow?” His brow furrowed.

“Yeah. In the afternoon.”

“Well I wanted to spend time with you.”

“You will! We’ll do breakfast and spend most of the afternoon together. I just feel like I haven’t seen very much of Toni, and so, you know, I think it would be best if I just stayed there tonight, and Toni and I could do our girl thing… I mean, you know how it is, right?” I had no idea what I was babbling about

Drew nodded slowly, and then opened his mouth to say something. I didn’t want to wait to find out what that something was, so I quickly cut him off.

“Better call her! Make sure she’s not asleep!” I said, backing away from him and heading back into the ballroom, dialing Toni’s cell phone as I walked.

“Hello?” She sounded tired, but not asleep.

“You’ve got to come get me, right now.” I said.

“What? It’s like eleven o’clock Ella. Did you and Drew fight?”

“No. Toni, don’t ask questions, just… Please. OK?”

She sighed, but I could hear her rustling. “I’ll be there in five.”
“Thank you.”

Toni pulled up a few minutes later, wearing one of Nick’s old tee shirts, her hair pulled back and hidden under a rag, and jeans she must have thrown on. She was driving barefoot.

“It’s illegal to drive without shoes, you know.”

Toni shrugged. “How are they gonna know I’m not wearing shoes? Besides, I keep a pair in the back, if the 5-0 pull us over, it’s your job to get my shoes.” She glanced over at me. “You look kinda pale, are you OK?” She asked, pulling off.

“Other than the fact that I have no idea what’s going on? Sure.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Can we go somewhere to talk? Get some food or something?”

“Ella…” She whined. “It’s late.”

“Drew kissed me and I freaked, so I really need some food, and I really need to know that Nick’s not going to overhear and butt in.” I blurted out.

“Fine.” She said, a lot more calmer than I had expected her to be. “But you’re paying.”

We found a little dive that was open. It was a little embarrassing to walk in wearing my Jessica Rabbit costume, but Toni pointed out her rag-a-muffin appearance, and I was just grateful to be wearing makeup. We sat at the back, per Toni’s request. We ordered some drinks, I stuck with a coke, Toni ordered a beer. She was quiet, examining her menu. I watched her impatiently, waiting for her to show some signs of shock. She didn’t seem to really care.

“Well, aren’t you shocked?” I exclaimed.

“At what?” She asked, looking at me blankly.

“That Drew kissed me!”

“Oh. That.” She folded her menu.

“Yeah. That.” I mocked her. I was a little exasperated at her lack of interest.

“It’s been a long time coming. I think the only thing I’m shocked about is that it took him THIS long to actually do it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh c’mon Ella. Drew’s been in love with you ever since I’ve known you. Nick says even longer. We’ve had this conversation.”

“I don’t know why everyone always says that. Drew and I are just friends, it’s all we’ve ever been.”

“Why did he kiss you then?”

“I don’t know Toni. Maybe because we were both a little buzzed? I mean it completed the cycle, I’ve now kissed all three of them.”

Toni raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“Nick and I made out. Once. We were really young, and there were some stolen wine coolers involved. I don’t even know if he remembers.”

“Slut.” She joked. I smiled. “Well. I mean, what happened?” She asked.

I paused for a moment, as the waitress came over and took our orders. Then I took a deep breath, and recounted the night.

“…Then he kissed me.”

“Well? What happened after?”

“He apologized. And I kissed him.”

“You kissed him? Now there’s the shocker.” Toni said, although she didn’t look very shocked.

“Why’s that?”

“Well. I mean we’ve always known you loved Drew. I just didn’t know when you’d realize it. With all this stuck-up-Jason’s-butt business. So what happened next?”

“I told him it was fun.”

“You what?!” Toni yelled.

“I know. I know. I just didn’t know what else to say.” I flopped my head into my hands, banging my forehead on the table.

“Oh Ella, why’d you do that?”

“I just didn’t know what to say. I realized that I do care for him, Toni. A lot. And everyone always SAYS that he cares about me too-“

“Loves.” She interrupted. “He l-o-v-e luuuuuuuuuvs you.”

I ignored her. “I just. I don’t know that. What if he kissed me because he was tipsy and horny, and then I make an ass out of myself by assuming he wanted more? I mean, I guess I would get over looking like a total idiot. But then, what if it makes things weird?” A lump formed in my throat. “What if… I lose him?”

“And what if you don’t?” Toni sighed. “Look, Ella, you can play the whole what if game all you want. But the whole thing about life is, it’s a series of chances. What if you would have gone left this morning instead of right? What if you would have been Betty Boop instead of Jessica Rabbit? What if you hadn’t of run away and listened to what Drew had to say? I mean it’s really time to put up or shut up.” She took a swig of her beer, and sat back, looking at me.

“So? What’s it gonna be?”

It's my blog and I'll complain if I want too

Warning: This is me complaining/whining, but also updating you on the situation for Thursday. For those of you who want to know what's going on Thursday and don't want to listen to me complain here's the summary: I will not be posting on Thursday. I will either post it during Whatever Wednesday, or do two on Friday. I'm not sure which yet, but you can consider this post the Whatever Wednesday

Now, onto the complaining.

I love my family. I really do. We're dysfunctional, but in a fun/Simpsons kind of way. We do love each other, and we've always had each others backs. Lately though, I'm feeling like I'm constantly supposed to be having everyone else's back, and no one has mine.

The big point was my Father in Law's surgery/procedure/whatever the hell it is on Thursday. I wanted my sister to try to switch shifts so she could take Thursday off instead of Wednesday, and I could be at the hospital with my Husband and his family. Well, she didn't do that. For some reason, instead of trying to find someone to switch with her, she just requested the day off. And she doesn't bother telling me until today (four days before the procedure) that they're not approving anyone's request for time off, because they're backed up.

I know it's dumb, and kind of petty, because it's like "well, why should your sister drop her job to baby-sit for you?" Well, because, if it weren't for me, my sister wouldn't have a job. She's living at my house (which is already too small, and her boyfriend lives two doors down and is practically begging her to move in with him, and even if she's not ready for that, she could at least spend a little time over there so I have room to breath) and I'm the one who takes her to and from work every day (she doesn't drive.) Which, usually takes two hours (30 minutes there, 30 minutes back to drop her off, and then 30 minutes there, and 30 minutes back home when I pick her up.) And while she pays me for gas, she doesn't pay me for my time. Not to mention the fact that the plan was, she was supposed to get a job CLOSE to my house, and instead chose this one because of the discount she got, not caring at the strain it put on me (do you know how restless a kid gets in the car when they're stuck in there for that long?)

So, I'm at my Mom's house when she tells me this. My brother is there. He's currently not working, so I'm like, hey, why can't he baby-sit? I mean, I would have NEVER left my son with my brother when Cayden was a new born. That would have been WAY too much. But now? I mean Cayden is physically exhausting to be around, having to chase him everywhere, but other than that, he's easy to take care of. You feed him, change his diaper a couple of times, follow him around and make sure he doesn't kill himself. It's not hard.

So we tell my Mom. And she pretty much freaks out. She just keeps offering up excuse after excuse to why it's not a good idea. And I'm pretty much like, well. Forget it then. And then suddenly she's accusing ME of being a drama queen, and asking why I always do this, and telling me not to get my panties in a bunch...

...All I said was "Forget it then." Honestly. That's all. I don't get how that translates into me being a drama queen and getting my panties in a bunch.

The thing about my Mom is... She wants to baby her kids forever. She'll complain about it, she'll tell us to grow up, but then she has no problem trying to take control. Example: Jeremy, my husband, just went for a job interview. I told my Mom about it. And immediately it was all like "Well, does it pay well (better than his job now), is the insurance good? (granted, it's not as great as he has now, but it's still good.)" And, it was just REALLY annoying. I'm almost 24 years old, I've been married for damn near 2 years, I have my own child, and I haven't lived with her since I was 19 (which, is better than I can say for my brother or sister. Who both still live with her. Well, my sister now lives with me, but whatever.)

I mean, I get it. It's not the end of the world, worse things have happened. It's just, I'm having a hard time establishing boundaries with my family. My mom used to say things like "Well, when you're the Mom, you can decide what to do with your child." Or "When you get your own place, you can decide what to do." ALL the time when I was growing up. And now, I AM the Mom, and I HAVE my own place, and she's STILL trying to tell me what to do.

My husband says it's because she's a Mom, and that's what she does. But at what point does she start respecting ME as a Mom? If I trust my brother to baby-sit my son, and my brother agrees, why should she be able to jump in and say no?

There's a bunch of other little things too. Like, the fact when he spends the night over there, she still sleeps with him in her bed, even though I've asked her several times not too. The fact that she changes him out of the clothes I put him in when I take him over there (She changed his pants today. Why? I have no idea.), the fact that after I spent the afternoon with my friend, who owns rabbits, I mentioned I wanted one, and she gave me a HUGE lecture on why I didn't need another one (all I said was I would eventually like to own a rabbit again. I didn't say I was going out this weekend and buying one. And even if I was, again, it will be paid with my money, and live in my house. What business of hers is it to tell me I shouldn't?), or the whole other baby issue. She doesn't want me to have another baby. I don't see why she should have a say in it.

I mean again, I'm not trying to say this is the end of the world issues. It's just seriously annoying me. I don't think my Mom means to be so... I dunno what the word is. Controlling maybe? I think she honestly just cares about me and wants me to do the right thing. But I just don't see why, at 24 years old, and living without her, that I can't decide what the right thing for me is? And it's like. Yeah, I could talk to her, and try to tell her, but then it just turns into her accusing me of not appreciating her or listening to her, or whatever. It just turns into a big fight.

It's just frustrating. I want to have a close family, but I also want my own family. Does anyone understand what I'm saying?

It's also annoying too, how my Mom will bend over backwards and run herself ragged for my brother, sister (and sometimes me too), but then complain about it. Like if you don't want to do something, don't do it. And then she gets angry if someone can stand up for themselves and be like, no, I don't want to do this. It's like the whole driving my sister to work thing, I told her AND my sister that I don't know how much longer I can do this. For one, I don't drive in the snow. It seriously freaks me out, and I have panic attacks, so I won't do it. When I did this, my Mom yelled at me "You've only been doing this for a few months and you already want to quit???" Again, my sister was supposed to get a job down the street, NOT across the city.

But, I found a sitter (a friend of mine offered to baby-sit, bless her heart. She's the one who has four of her own, and is pregnant with her fifth. But she's worked with kids all her life, in a day care and at camp with me, so I trust she can handle it) So I think when I tell my Mom I can't take my sister to work Thursday, she's going to sigh and yell at me because she can't do it either. We'll see.

FB: Tell me do you think it'd be alright, if I could just crash here tonight

Jason followed me into Jacobs room. As soon as the door clicked shut, I started to feel uncomfortable.

“Where’s Kayla?” I asked, standing by the door.

Jason made his way to Jacob’s bed and plopped down on it. “We got into a fight.” He patted the space next to him, and I walked over and sat on the corner of the bed.

“What about?”

“Just. Jealousy issues. It’s stupid, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“OK. Well. What do you want to do?” Uneasiness was still creeping into my stomach. I couldn’t put a finger on why I felt so uncomfortable, I just knew this was wrong.

“Wanna watch a movie?” He asked, laying back.

“I dunno…” I hesitated. “I’m not sure when Jake will be back.”

“Who cares? We’re just watching a movie. If he comes back he can join us.”

I looked at Jason. I knew he was just Jason, and not some random guy on the street. I knew if Jacob came in, he probably wouldn’t care. Probably. Still, something was telling me this wasn’t right. Still, I didn’t know exactly how to go about telling Jason that, without sounding like I assumed something was going to happen between us.

“Fine. Movie sounds good.” I said, leaning back on the bed. Jason reached over me and grabbed the remote, his face dangerously close to mine. I flinched, trying to move away from him. He noticed and laughed.

“Chill, Ella. I’m not going to punch you or something.” Jason said, moving back over. I still tried to stay away from him, hanging half off the bed.

He flipped through a couple of on demand movies, and eventually settled on some old movie that was on TV. I couldn’t focus on it, I was too busy paying attention to Jason’s every movement. I jumped about a mile in the air when I felt his arm slide around me.

“What are you doing?” I asked, shrugging him off.

“Cuddling. We always cuddle. What is your problem tonight? You’re all jumpy and stuff.”

“I’m just…” I trailed off, at a loss for words. “Hungry. I’m really hungry. You want to go grab something to eat? I could call the group and see what they were up too, if they want to eat.”

“I really just wanted to kind of hang out and chill.” He said.

“I know. But, you can still do that while we’re eating.” I said, reaching for my cell phone.

“We could order room service.”

“Room service isn’t as good, and it’s like, super expensive. Besides, I already texted them.”

“Isn’t as good? The only place open at this time of night is Waffle House or Steak and Shake.” Jason grumbled. Still, he got up and put on his shoes.


I had texted the guys, but I hadn’t gotten a response yet. We went down in the lobby, and paused in front of the bar.

“Where are we going?” Jason asked.

“I dunno. They haven’t answered.” I admitted.

“Jeez Ella. We could still be watching the movie!” Jason snapped, frustrated with me.

I shrugged and sat down in the lobby. Jason plopped down on the couch in front of me with a dramatic sigh. I wished I had never run into him tonight, he was in such an odd mood, and coupled with my bad mood, it wasn’t a good mix.

As I was waiting to get a text back to see what they wanted to do, I looked up and noticed Jacob’s Mom in the bar, by herself, drinking. It struck me as odd, considering she had told me earlier she was going to bed. I was about to go into the bar and see if she was OK, when my phone buzzed.

“They said we could meet them at Waffle House.”

“Great.” Jason scoffed. “Gourmet food.”

I ignored him, and waited for him to pull up the car. He didn’t talk, and I didn’t try to make him. I was back to stewing. I hadn’t lied, I was hungry. I wanted to eat and go to sleep.

We pulled up to the Waffle House and noticed that Michelle’s car was already there. I had forgotten about her, and realizing she was there plummeted my mood even more. I was even more livid when I walked in and saw Michelle smashed into a booth in between Jacob and Toni. Jacob’s arm was draped around her.

I left the hotel room because I thought Jacob might be uncomfortable with Jason and I hanging out alone together. Here he was, snuggled up to Michelle like it was nothing. I wanted to punch something.

Drew and Nick were sitting on the other side of the booth, but Drew stood when we came in, and Jason and I were slid in next to Nick. Drew got a chair and put it at the end of the booth.

“Hi.” Jason said, waving.

“Hey, I didn’t think we’d see you tonight. What happened to Kayla?” Toni asked, glancing at her menu.

“Fight.” Jason said, his words clipped.

“Yeah, so Jason met me at the hotel. We were watching a movie, but I got hungry. Though, now I’m a little tired.” I said, yawning and laying my head on Jason’s shoulder. If Jacob was allowed to cozy up to Michelle, then certainly I was allowed to cuddle up to my best friend.

“You went to Jake’s hotel room?” Toni asked, eyeing Jason and me, an eyebrow raised.

“He was there when I got back.” I said, shrugging. “I was lonely, so we decided to hang out.”

“You could have hung out with us at the bowling alley.” Toni pressed.

“You mean where I sat in the back being ignored? Loads of fun that is, a hot, loud, stinky bowling alley. No thanks.” I couldn’t hide the aggravation in my voice.

“No one was ignoring you. You were pouting, we just wanted to have a good time.” Michelle shot back.

“Sorry, Michelle, that my idea of having a good time isn’t hitting on and crawling all over anything that might have a third leg.” My tone was light, but my words were sharp.

“Ella!” Jacob protested.

“What?” I said, innocently. “I’m sorry. Did I not mention that I caught Michelle hitting on Sean? Sorry to tell you Jacob, but your friend is a whore.”

“Ella, don’t you think you’ve gone a little too far?” Toni started, but Michelle had already jumped up.

“I didn’t know just because you were jealous of someone that that automatically made them a whore.”

“Jealous of what? That I can’t spread my legs that far?” I scoffed.

“Ella STOP IT.” Jacob yelled. “You’re being such a…” He trailed off, his nostrils flared.

“Go figure you would take her side. She probably blew you before I got here. I’m going home.” With that I shoved Jason out of the booth and left.


My anger carried me pretty far, but eventually my arms gave out. I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk all the way home, but add in the fact that I was on crutches hindered me even more. I was hoping to at least be able to make it to Nick and Toni’s, where Toni would scold me but let me crash there, and take off in the morning. I had wasted too much time here, I needed to go back home, to my job.

I heard a car pull up behind me and started to get freaked. It was night, I was alone, and I couldn’t run or really fight anyone off. I kept moving, but I heard the car slow to a stop beside me.

“Get in.” Jason called.

“No.” I answered, relieved that it was just him.

“Ella, don’t be an idiot. I know you’re mad, and that’s fine. But you and I both know that you’re tired, and it’s not safe for you to be out here by yourself. So get in the car.”

I kept walking. Jason sighed.

“You gonna make me follow you all night? You know I’ll do it.”

I did know that he would. And he was right, I was tired. I stopped, turn toward his car, sticking my crutches in the back and hopping into the front seat. Jason drove off.

“Where are we going?” I asked, crossing my arms across my chest.

“My house. You can spend the night there. Tomorrow we’ll figure this all out.”

“I don’t want to go to your house.”

“I know you don’t. But I also know you don’t want to go back to Toni’s, or see Jake, so where are you gonna go? Drew’s busy comforting Michelle. You made her cry.”

I scoffed. “Those are crocodile tears, I promise you.”

“Yeah. I don’t doubt that. I know what kind of girl Michelle is. Still, you didn’t need to go off on her like that.”

“Of course you’d take her side…” I pouted.

“Right. That’s why I’m the only one who came and got you. Because I’m taking HER side.”

That shut me up, and cut me. He was right, no one else came after me. They all let me go, off by myself, and not one of them had even bothered to call me to see if I was OK.

Jason cleared his throat. “You know, Kayla and I were fighting because of jealousy tonight too.”

“I’m not jealous!” I snapped. Then, because curiosity got the best of me, “who are you jealous of?”

“She says I’m jealous of you and Jacob. I say she’s jealous of you.”

"Why would she say that?" I asked, confused.
"Well. Because it's true. On both counts."

My beautiful moon how you swoon me like no other

The next couple days of my visit flew by. I spent my days with Toni, trying to help her with the kids, but usually just riling them up and making a big mess. My evenings were with Drew, eating dinner at our favorite dives, and usually coming home to pop in a movie and crash in the middle of it. I tried to forget about Jason, which worked sometimes, and not so much at other times. I also tried to forget about my Halloween costume, and fight the urge to return it for something safer, something more me.

However, when that thought popped in my head, I’d beat it back with the fact that I was tired of being me. Me wasn’t working out so well, and I was ready to change things up.

Still, I was hesitant, and Saturday night came a lot faster than I was expecting it too. I went over to Toni’s to get ready, hoping she would give me a pep talk and boost my confidence.

“Maybe I should try to find something a little less sexy…” I said, as Toni was putting the finishing touches on my makeup.

“You’re not going to find anything on this short of notice Ella. Besides, it isn’t too much. Just relax. Drew’s going to love it.”

“I’m not dressing up for Drew.” I protested.

She waved me off. “Whatever. Did he tell you what he was going to be?”

“Nope. I didn’t really ask though.” I looked in the mirror, and was shocked at what I saw. I wanted to be someone else, and I certainly looked like someone else. My dress was red, with sequins, and probably the tightest thing I’ve ever worn. I was surprised there was room for my strapless bra and thong under there. There was a slit that came practically to my hip, and strapped to my feet were shiny red stiletto’s. They were Toni’s from what she called her “BB” stage. Before Babies. My hair was pulled back tight into a bun, and over it I wore a long, silky red wig. I didn’t look a thing like myself, and I had to smile at whoever the stranger in the mirror was.

The doorbell rang.

“Shit, that’s Drew.” Toni said. She quickly put on a few finishing touches. “Wait here, I’m going to go down and announce you!” She was so excited, I had to smile.

However, when she left the room, I felt the butterflies in my stomach all over again. I don’t know why I was so nervous, it was just Drew, and a bunch of his work friends that I would probably never see again, aside from his Dad.

“Oh God, Drew’s Dad’s gonna see me like this!” I exclaimed allowed to myself. I suddenly wanted to change into something much more modest.

“Ella! We’re ready for you!” Toni had called.

I took a deep breath. It was too late now.

I climbed down the stairs, keeping my head down, embarrassed to look anyone in the eye. I heard someone let out a low whistle.

“Wow.” Nick said.

“Ella… You look…” Drew started.

“Stupid. I know.” I said, looking up at Drew. I was shocked to see he was in a tuxedo.

“Oh God! It’s not a costume party? Why didn’t you tell me!” Feeling even dumber.

“No, El.” Drew said laughing. “It’s a costume party. I’m Bond. James Bond.” He said, pulling out a fake gun.

“Oh.” I said, relieved. It was then that I really looked at Drew, and how good he looked. I had never really seen him dressed up before. And he looked… Good. So good that it made me feel shy and nervous all over again.

“And you’re Jessica Rabbit, right?” He asked, smiling at me. “You make a damn good rabbit.” There was an edge to his voice, and it caused us both to blush.

“You guys better get going. You don’t wanna be late!” Toni said, and then she winked at me. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

She pretty much pushed us out the door. I looked around for Drew’s truck.

“Where’s the truck Drew?” I asked, not spotting it.

“I borrowed a car. I didn’t know what you’d be wearing, and I didn’t know if you’d be able to climb into the truck.” He glanced at me. “Good thing too, there’s no way you’re getting in with that dress on.”

The way he said it made me blush. I felt butterflies rise in my stomach, and that annoyed me. I had wanted things to be different, but not me and Drew. We were perfect the way we were. I didn’t want things to be different between us.

The party was being held at a hotel. It was being thrown by the hotel, and Drew and his Dad had gotten invited since they did the hotel’s landscaping. It was loud and crowded, but I welcomed the noise and the people, it made me feel less alone with Drew, and some of the nervousness left. Drew got us some drinks, and that helped more nervousness leave. By the time we hit the dance floor, I felt like me again, and I did my best to bust a move, despite my tight dress.

However, I kept meeting all of Drew’s co-workers, and it seems like every time I did, someone would bring me a drink. I should have known better, but I didn’t. I drank, and danced, and we ran through the buffet a couple of times. An hour into the party, I was feeling pretty good, and I think Drew was too.

One of the co-workers broke out his digital camera and began snapping pictures of everyone and everything. This, of course, made me act like a fool, trying to show off and do funny things in the photos. When you’re drunk you just don’t realize that the pictures will be posted all over facebook the next day. Or, maybe you do, but you don’t care.

At some point, I forgot about the camera (although, I’m sure it was still there, snapping away) and without speaking, Drew and I entered into some sort of dance contest. We had never really danced together before, at least, not like this. Drew’s hands had never touched me before the way they were touching me now. Had I been sober, I would have realized how good it felt, and that would have freaked me out. I didn’t realize this, I don’t even think I realized that he was my best friend, Drewbie. And so, I grinded back against him, flipping my fake hair, touching his chest. I was flirting with him.

Eventually I felt all those drinks, and desperately needed to pee, so when Hannah, one of Drew’s co-worker’s girlfriends, said she was going to the bathroom, I tagged along with her.

I peed, washed my hands, and inspected my hair and make up in the mirror. Despite the heat and sweat, it had held up nicely. I leaned against the sink, enjoying the cooler air, quietness, and waiting for Hannah to finish.

“I hope this doesn’t offend you,” she said, exiting the stall and going to wash her hands. “But Drew never mentioned he had a girlfriend. I mean, I did wonder, he never wanted me to fix him up with anybody, but he never said anything. How long have you guys been together?”

“Oh.” I said, laughing. “Drew and I aren’t together.”

“Really?” She said, smoothing some lip gloss over her lips. “You two just look so… Perfect for each other. And in love.”

“No.” I said more firmly. “We’ve just known each other for forever. I guess we’re just in sync.” I said, not being able to stop the nervous laughter that came out of my mouth.

Hannah shrugged, and placed her gloss back in her purse. She pushed open the bathroom door, and I followed her out, back into the hot air and pounding music. My nerves were back, and I didn’t follow Hannah back on the dance floor, instead choosing to go back to the table, to sit down, regroup, get my head back on straight.

It didn’t last long. As soon as Hannah came back out without me, Drew came to find me.

“Tired?” He asked, plopping down next to me, and picking up someone’s beer.

“Not really. Just a little noisy in here. I’m starting to feel a little closed in.” I said, looking down at my shoes.

“You wanna go for a walk? Get some air?” He asked.

“Yeah. That sounds good.” I replied. I stood, and he offered his arm. I laughed, and linked mine with his.

We went out the side door, the cooler air hitting up immediately. We passed by a couple of smokers, Drew taking the lead, seeming like he knew where he was going.

“Where you taking me?”

“Someplace quiet where they won’t hear you scream.” He joked, winking at me.

We ended up in a back garden, sitting on a bench in front of a fountain. There were a few flowers and tree’s hanging in there, but mainly it was bare, except white Christmas lights twinkling on the trees. Drew took off his jacket and dropped it around my shoulders, and I smiled back gratefully.

We sat in silence for a moment, listening to the music that was filtering out from the ballroom.

“You look good tonight, Ella.” Drew spoke softly.

“Thanks.” I said, patting him on the leg. “You don’t look half bad yourself.” I said, smiling back at him.

Inside the ballroom, the harder, club beats fell away, and Michael Buble came on, crooning “the way you look tonight”.

“Can I have this dance?” Drew asked, standing and offering his hand.

“Oh come on.” I said, laughing.

“I’m serious Ella. I don’t think I’ve ever had the honor of slow dancing with you.”

“I think you’re taking this James Bond act a little too far, Mr. Smooth Talker.” I teased. Still, I slipped my hand in his, and let him pull me to my feet. His arms slipped around my waist, pulling me close. I moved my arms around his neck, and laid my head on his shoulder. I’ll admit, it felt good, better than I thought it would. We swayed to the music slowly, and when the song ended, we continued to sway.

Finally, I looked up at Drew, to thank him, and that’s when he leaned down and kissed me.

Whatever Wednesday: My stupid mouth

So, I have to start off by talking about something that's been on my mind, and I'll admit, it could piss some people off. I've gotten crap for talking badly about another blog before, because I'm supposed to be more mature, and better than that. But, the thing is, I'm not. I mean, I am in the sense that I don't like to talk crap just for the sake of talking crap. I'm not going to sit here and bash someone just because I'm jealous, or bored, or want to start something. But, I am the type of person that when I'm annoyed, or I have an opinion on something, I can't help but voice it. It's why I could never be a politician, or famous (well, ONE of the reason, among many others.) I just can't be diplomatic. If I don't like something, I have to say it.

I won't name blogs, I guess, if that helps. But, I'm sure most of you read it, and I'm sure most of you will be able to guess which blog I'm talking about.

I made a comment in the comments sections a post or two ago where I said I didn't want you guys to feel like you HAVE to give me compliments. I want you to know that I DO appreciate them, I really do. You guys have been amazing, and I don't think I've really gotten any negative comments. But, I also don't know if this is because on other blogs, the second you say something negative, you seem to get reamed for it. That's not going to happen here. I can't promise that if you have something negative to say that I'm going to change anything, but I can promise that your comments will not be used against you, as long as you're being respectful while you're saying whatever it is you're saying.

There's a certain blog out there that I love, I think the author is REALLY talented. However, I also think the author is REALLY full of herself, and I hate the way she treats her readers. So much so, that it's really turning me off her blog. I think being a blog reader helps me with you guys, because I know the things that annoy me while reading a blog, and I try to put it to good use here. I want you guys to know, I appreciate you guys. I'm a little insecure in my writing, and I didn't think anyone would like it. Even now, when you guys say things like it's good, I wonder if you're telling the truth, or just afraid I'll stop writing or throw a tantrum if you say the truth. I won't. It's not hard to write for you guys, I love to hear you can't wait for a post, because more often than not, I can't wait for you guys to read a post.

That's not saying it's always EASY to come up with a post. Lately it's been feeling a little forced. But, sometimes that happens. Sometimes I can crank out four posts in a matter of minutes, sometimes one post takes four hours and I'm still not happy with it. But I realize any pressure I'm under, is pressure I'm putting on myself. Yes, I want people to like what I do. Yes, my ego gets stroked when someone gives me a compliment. But it's not like I'm writing for the New York Time's or something. It's not like I'm under the pressure of a deadline that I got paid for, and have already spent my advance. It's an internet blog. One day, I'm sure, it will end. Nobody's going to die because that happens. People may get disappointed, but hell, I get disappointed when a good book ends. Does that mean the writer of that book never should have finished things?

I'm just really annoyed at what was sad on another blog, and I want you guys to know, it really is OK if you have something negative to say. I can't promise it'll change anything, but I can promise you won't be chastised like you're four years old, or held up to be made an example of. It won't happen.

Anyway, on to better things. I've been in a perpetually bad mood for awhile. It's gotten better this week, but by the end of last week, I was just fed up with everything. Part of it was my son... I love him to death, but he is obviously a LOT of work, and sometimes I just want to call in sick, but I can't. I was also having a tad bit of family drama. Partially because my family thinks that because I'm a stay at home Mom, I don't do anything, and can be at their beck and call for everything, which... I dunno. Then, I'm also tired of hearing things like "cut Jeremy (my husband) a break. He works!"

....And I don't? At least Jeremy knows that he's going to get a 15 minute break where he doesn't have to do anything. At least he knows he's going to get a lunch break where he can sit down, eat, and not have to worry about trying to multi-task. When Cayden was younger, it was worse. I wasn't sure IF I'd get to eat, or even go to the bathroom! Now he's a little older, it's a little better and worse in some ways. I can leave the room for five minutes and get lunch for him and I, but there's no telling what I'll come back too.

However, Saturday seemed to help my bad mood a little. My Mom came over, and we took Cayden Trick or Treating at Toys R us (which, at our store was kind of a joke. However, we also went Trick or Treating at Kroger's at this thing they threw, and while Cayden was too young to really do much, it was fantastic for older kids!) Then we took Cayden to get his first haircut, which was a little rough on me (I loved his curls! But he was starting to grow wings and look shabby.) So... I comforted myself by getting him a mohawk...




He looks so cute! Then Mom, Jeremy, Cayden and I spent the rest of the day eating lunch and hanging out. We came back home and Mom ended up having a surprise for us. She bought us DJ Hero, which is amazing. My Mom is the type of Mom who really has a hard time with emotions, so instead of saying Thanks for helping out, or I'm sorry, or whatever, she buys us stuff. It sounds awesome, but sometimes it REALLY hurt my feelings. However, I realized that it's not really going to change, so. I've kind of accepted it and moved on. So Saturday night, after Mom took Cayden, we hung out at home and played some DJ Hero. Sunday we went back to Mom's to hang out, and we got to meet a new baby! He's my husband's friend's son, I'd post a picture but I don't know how he feels about that. However, holding a baby has sparked my baby fever even more. Again, I love my son, but he is NOT a baby anymore, and I forgot how nice it was just to be able to sit and hold a baby, without them wiggling or squirming. So, if you pray, please pray that this is the month I get pregnant! I'm so ready! Plus, I think it would be fantastic to announce it to everyone at Christmas!

Speaking of Christmas, I'm still ahead of my game, and SO excited about it. How early is too early to put out decorations? http://sites.target.com/images/2009HolidayCoupons/holiday_coupons_print.html?AFID=Performics_DealsPlus&LNM=Primary

For those of you who use coupons, and shop at Target, there are some Target coupons you can print. They're fantastic, I'm so excited to go on Thursday to pick up some stuff. I also found the Little Tikes Pick up truck we want to get Cayden on craigslist, that I'll be hopefully able to get Thursday as well (new it's 100 dollars, craigslist, it's less than 20!) They also have the wagon I want to get on craigslist, it looks new, and even comes with a trailer for less than 100. I'm hoping to try to get that, although we don't have THAT much money to spend this week.

Alright, and once again, I have to pimp my swagbucks. I know this might get annoying, but as I said before, I AM a stay at home Mom, so I don't make my own money. While my husband is ALWAYS willing to give me money, I do feel bad asking him to pay for his own Christmas gift, ya know? So, I'm trying to earn swagbucks in order to go out and get his present, as well as a few other presents. So far, you guys have been GREAT about swagbucks, and I'm really getting a lot. However, I know there are some new people, so I wanted to talk about it briefly again.

Swagbucks is a search engine powered by ask.com and google (so it's a good search engine, not crappy). You search, and while you're searching, you randomly win swagbucks. You can also win swagbucks by finding codes on their blog, in their newsletter, or on twitter or facebook, or by referring friends, like I'm trying to do now. For every swagbuck your friend wins, you get, up to 100 swagbucks. They also have a real store, where you spend real money, and you can get 1 swagbuck for every 5 dollars you spend, which isn't bad if you're going to be buying that product anyway. However, I didn't have any friends my first month on swagbucks, and I still made quite a bit (enough to get my restaurants.com giftcard and one amazon card). You trade your swagbucks in at the swag store, and you can pick various prizes. Some are a little more expensive (they have game systems and ipods and all that) and some aren't (my 5 dollar amazon cards are 45 swagbucks.) I've been on there probably less than 3 months, and I've gotten a 25 dollar gift certificate to restaurants.com, and 5 five dollar amazon gift cards.

Now, I will say the bad thing about swagbucks is, you really need to READ the product description before you "buy" it. All the rules are clearly listed, some giftcards cannot be combined together (though the amazon cards can) They have a paypal card, but it has to be used in a certain amount of time or it goes bad. All the giftcards can ONLY be used online (like they have barnes and nobles cards, but you can only use them at barnesandnoble.com) with the exception of the starbucks card (that they actually mail to you.) The amazon cards (and this may be true for all the cards, I can only speak for the amazon cards since that's what I've been buying) only get emailed out twice a month, so you do have to plan in advance (meaning you can't order it today expecting to be able to use it tonight on a purchase.)

Still, I think it's a pretty good deal for getting something for pretty much nothing. If you have any questions feel free to email me, or ask in the comments. If you sign up, please click the banner so that I get your points too!:


Alright, I think that's all I got. Please keep in mind also, that my FIL's surgery is next Thursday, so postings that day may or may not be up, and the schedule might get kind of wonky depending on what happens.

FB: When you open up your mouth to speak could you be a little weak

I’ll admit it. I was in full fledged pout mode. The bowling alley was hot, loud, and crowded. It was too hard for me to play on crutches, so I had given up, and banished myself to the sticky table behind our lane.

I was in a bad mood before we had even gotten here, when Jacob asked Jason to join us, and Jason denied, saying he needed more quality time with Kayla. I knew it was a dig at me, and he shot me a look as he was telling Jacob no. It hurt, which bothered me even more. I knew what Jason was doing, and I hated that I was still letting him get to me. I knew he was hurt that I was leaving him to spend time with Jacob, but if he really cared, he could have spent the time we had together with me. He was more concerned with hurting me in return though, than spending any time with me.

To put the icing on the cake, I think Michelle sensed my bad mood and was feeding off of it. She was all over all the guys, with the exception of Nick. Normally I would say that the wedding ring put her off, but seeing her with Sean, I knew that wasn’t true. I think Michelle was afraid of Toni, and that gave me a little bit of smug satisfaction.

Jacob also wasn’t paying much attention to me. Had I been in a normal frame of mind, I would have realized that he just wanted to have some fun. But, in pouting mode, it felt like a personal attack against me. I felt snubbed, and my feelings were hurt.

“You know what?” I said loudly, trying to catch someone’s attention. Nobody looked up.

I huffed to myself for a few moments, and then decided I was done. I was going to go back to Nick and Toni’s and go to sleep. I stood up.

“Hey.” I said, tapping Jacob on the shoulder. He spun around, mid laugh, a smile on his face.

“Hey hon, you need something?”

“I think I’m just gonna go.”

“Aw.” He answered. Michelle busted out a squeal, and he turned to look. “You sure? You want me to go with you?” He wasn’t even looking at me.

“No. Stay. Have fun.” I tried not to sound angry, but I was.

“I can call Mom. I’m sure she won’t mind coming to pick you up. You could hang at my hotel room.”

I sighed. I wanted to say no, but before I could, Jacob was already calling his Mom. I was a little embarrassed too, I hated that I had to be chauffeured around. I could drive with my cast, but I didn’t have my car in Indiana.

“Mom will be here in five. You want me to wait outside with you?”

“Nope.” I replied, not bothering to kiss him as I left.


I walked outside where my ears rang from the sudden quiet. The night air was cool, and felt good on my hot skin. I leaned against the rough brick building, idly checking my cell phone and trying not to eavesdrop in on the smoker’s conversation. It’s been my experience that when people think you’re listening, they’ll try to include you in their conversation. While I normally loved random conversations with strangers, I wasn’t really in the mood to talk to anyone.

Unfortunately, my theory didn’t work.

“What’d you do to your foot?” One of the smokers turned to me. I could tell by the way he was looking me up and down that he was trying to decide whether or not he wanted to hit on me.

“I broke my ankle.” I said, crossing my arms across my chest.

“Care to elaborate on how?” He asked, smiling.

“Twister.” I responded.

“Excuse me?” He asked, looking confused.

“I was playing twister and I fell, one of my friends landed on me.”

“Well, maybe when you’re feeling better, you and I can play some twister. Though I can’t promise I won’t fall on you…” He started walking towards me, but before he could reach me, Jacob’s Mom pulled up.

“That’s my ride. Bye!” I said, jumping in.


“Replacing Jacob already?” Sandy joked, taking off.

“Just drive woman!” I half joked. Really I just wanted to get back to the hotel. I was hoping to pass out and have Jacob leave me alone when he got back to the hotel.

“Not having much fun tonight, huh?” She asked after a few minutes of quiet.

“Not really.”

“Michelle’s hard to deal with sometimes, huh?”

I sighed. “She’s easy in all ways it seems, except getting along with.”

Sandy didn’t say anything for a few minutes, and at first I was worried that I had made her angry. I had assumed by the way she reacted to Michelle earlier in the day, that she was annoyed by her too. But, maybe I assumed wrong. I mean after all, Michelle was Jacob’s best friend. Sandy had to like her a little bit.

“I’m sorry.” I blurted out, trying to ease the tension in the car.

“Don’t be.” She answered. “You’re right. Look. What I’m about to tell you is between you and me, got it?”

I nodded, sneaking a peek out of the corner of my eye. I liked Sandy, but she did intimidate me. Her tone was serious, and I wasn’t sure if I had made her mad or not.

“Michelle…” She sighed. “Michelle’s a handful. She’s difficult to deal with, and she and I got into our fair share of fights when she and Jake started hanging around. And she was only seven when that started…”

“You don’t seem like the type to put up with that.”

Sandy laughed. “I’m not. But, Michelle’s a special girl. She knows how to get at you.”

“You can say that again.” I mumbled.

“Michelle’s mom died when she was really young, and her father was not a very nice person. To this day I can only speculate at what went on in that house. Even though she drove me nuts, I couldn’t send her home, and she spent a lot of time at our house. I think it was a sanctuary for her. She eventually got used to me being around, I think she was raised to view other women as competition, which is sad, again, considering she was only seven when I met her. Anyway, now-a-days, you see how clingy she is to me. She’s even more so with Jacob.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” I said, not bothering to hide my sarcasm.

“I know it’s hard, Ella. But it’s also sad, if you look at it from her point of view. Jake views her as a little sister. Nothing more. And, well. Jake’s the only guy who’s ever been nice to her. Who hasn’t used her and discarded her. She’s head over heels for him.”

“You’re not helping.” I sing-songed.

Sandy laughed. “I know, I know. I mean, if it does help, Jake’s never going to see her as anything other than his scrawny-little knocked kneed little sister. I just want you to know, there’s a reason why she acts the way she does. She’s really a scared, hurt little girl.”

“It’s not an excuse for her to act the way she does.”

“Now Ella, I’m not saying that it is. I said there’s a reason.”

“How does that make things any better though?”

“Well. It doesn’t help you out. But, it is better than if she was like that just because she could be.”

I nodded. It didn’t help me out, but it did make me feel a little better to know that Michelle hated all women equally.

“So. You and Blanco. What’s going on there?” Sandy asked, pulling into the parking lot of the hotel.

“I guess kind of the same thing as Jacob and Michelle. We’ve just known each other for so long, I think we both kind of stake claim on each other.” I shrugged.

“Well. Be careful.” She warned.

“Of what?” I said, laughing slightly. “It’s just Jason.”

“You see him as Jason, but I see him as someone who looks at you the same way Jacob does. And I’ve never seen Jake look at anyone the one he looks at you.”

This statement made me feel really uncomfortable for some reason, and suddenly I couldn’t handle the thought of being trapped in an elevator with Jacob’s Mom, even if it was only for a few moments.

“I’m going to hang out here for a little bit. I need some fresh air, that bowling alley was so stuffy.”

“OK. Well, here’s Jake’s key. I’ll see you tomorrow, for breakfast?” She asked.

I nodded, and took the key. “Night.” I called over my shoulder as I started to walk towards the pool. I waited a few moments after she went inside, and then followed suit. I didn’t really want to be anywhere but in a comfortable bed. The crutches were starting to cut into my underarms, and I was tired of hauling myself around on them.

As I exited the elevator, I looked up, and saw a figure sitting outside of Jacob’s door. I stopped short, for a second thinking it was Jacob’s Mom waiting for me for some reason. It took me a second to realize who it was.

“Jason? What are you doing here?”

He startled at the sound of my voice.

“Ella. I wasn’t expecting you back this soon… Where’s Jake?”

“He’s at the bowling alley… With everyone else. Didn’t you see Sandy?” Her room was right next to Jacob’s.

He shook his head. “No.”

“Oh… Well… Uh. What are you doing here?” I repeated myself.

“Jake didn’t come back with you?” He asked, craning his neck around me, like my body could conceal Jacob’s.

“No. He’s at the bowling alley. Like I said.” I was starting to get annoyed. “What. Are. You. Doing. Here?” I asked again.

“I wanted to talk to Jake. But… I’m glad I caught you…” He looked a little nervous. “You think we could spend some time together? I’ve been acting like a jerk. And I did miss you.”

I hid a smile. “Sure, Jason. Come on in.”

Our love is comfortable and so broken in

I packed up my car after calling Drew to let him know I was on my way, and Mama Rivers to let her know I wouldn’t be in for the rest of the week. I felt a twinge of guilt, calling off, as I always did, but let it pass. Then I checked in with Matt to make sure he’d be OK, and I was on the open road.

I was actually really excited about seeing Drew. I knew he had to work the next two days, so I was looking forward to spending the days with Toni and her kids, and the nights lazing around with Drew, not having to think about Jason, Kayla, or Greg. When I was with Drew, I could relax. I desperately needed to recharge.

I got there late evening, and Drew met me outside, wrapping me up in a big bear hug.

“I missed you!” I squealed, trying to hug him back as hard as he was hugging me.

“Missed you too.” He replied, giving me a final squeeze and setting me down on the ground. He ruffled my hair. “Let’s go set your stuff inside, and then we can go grab some food.”

“Sounds good to me, I’m starving!” I replied.


We put my stuff in his townhouse, made sure Cumulus was settled in, and went out to his big green truck. I hopped in, instantly feeling at home in the dusty, loud, beat up thing. The seats were worn and comfortable, and I felt a little more tension relax away. We didn’t talk on the drive, I was enjoying the bumps and the cool autumn air pouring in. Drew had the windows down, the weather was a little on the warm side, especially for the end of October. The radio was on low, and the whole thing just felt comfortable. For the first time in what felt like a long time, a slow, lazy smile spread across my face, and it felt genuine and unforced.

We got to the diner we always went to, another comfortable place. It wasn’t fancy, and it also probably wasn’t healthy, but they hand cut their french fries and their burgers were delicious.

We sat down and ordered, not bothering to look at the menus.

“So. Halloween’s on Saturday, you think you’re up for a party?”

“I don’t have a costume.” I answered.

“You don’t have to go.” Drew replied. “I do. It’s a work thing. But, if you want too, I can bring you as my date. I’m sure Toni can help you find an outfit. You’ve got two days.”

I shrugged. “Sure. Sounds like it could be fun.”

The waitress brought our drinks, and Drew and I caught up. He told me how work was going, how his parent’s divorce was going. His Dad at first, had been shocked. Then angry, then sad. Drew said he went through every emotion known to man in about a week’s time frame. Now he was happy. The house was being put up for sale, and they were both apartment shopping. I thought Drew would be sad that his childhood home was being sold, but he just shrugged. I realized that their weren’t too many happy memories in that house, mainly just ghostly memories.
As soon as the waitress came, we stopped talking. In fact, even after the food left, we didn’t talk much. It was one of the things I loved most about Drew, I didn’t feel like we had to spend every moment with words. Sometimes we could just be around each other, and still be comfortable in the silence. We ended up going back to his place after we ate, popping in a movie. He, Cumulus and I all snuggled together on the couch, where we promptly fell asleep.

I got up with Drew early the next morning. He had to be at work at an insane six AM. Drew still worked for his Dad’s landscaping company. In the spring, summer, and fall, they were busy. Spring was obviously planting flowers and such, summer was taking care of those flowers and mowing, and the fall was helping people put their flower beds to rest, and raking leaves. Winter they had a few jobs, mainly plowing, and Drew’s Dad had a greenhouse, but since they had so much time, Drew took classes at a local community college. He was going to school for business, and while he would have liked to go full time, he knew his father needed his help. So, he was at work by six, every morning, to help load the trucks and go over some paperwork and billing.

I fixed him breakfast, and then watched him get ready. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Drew was a good looking guy. It was nice to sit back, watching him walk from the bathroom to his room with a towel wrapped around his waist. I’d never let him know I was watching him, instead looking out from the corner of my eye, but I did enjoy the view. He was my best friend, but boy, he was a good looking guy.

When he left, Cumulus and I went and got into his bed, curling up together for a few more hours. I was reluctant to leave the comfort of Drew’s warm bed, but I had plans to go shopping with Toni. She had actually gotten a baby-sitter so she and I could spend the afternoon shopping alone. After that, we were going to pick up the kids, and meet Drew and Nick for dinner. I took a quick shower, ran Cumulus outside to do his business, dressed, and left.

I knocked on Toni’s door and walked in. Their living room was littered with toys, and blocked off by baby gates. Their home was still warm, but had lost some of the sophistication with the baby gates. They had tried, choosing the more “upscale” baby equipment, natural wood baby gates, using the zen collection for a bouncer and bassinet, but still. With Barney blaring in the background, it was hard to be sophisticated. Still, I had to smile when I entered their home. Kyle, their oldest son, was two. He walked up to me and hugged my legs with his perpetually sticky hands. Izzy, their 6 month old, was just learning how to crawl, but still preferred to roll. She rolled in my directions, offering me giggles and smiles the whole way.

“Ready to go?” Toni asked, coming out from the kitchen, being followed by a person I assumed was her sitter.

“Already? I don’t get to play with the rugrats?” I asked, picking Kyle up and balancing him on my hip.

“There will be plenty of time for that later.” Toni answered, taking Kyle from me and passing him to the woman. “Mommy needs a latte.” She said, grabbing her coat. I laughed, and followed her out the door.

“I’ll drive.” She said, climbing into their new crossover. Nick had insisted they needed a bigger car, and with two kids, and therefore two car seats, he was right. However, Toni refused to be a station wagon Mom, or a soccer Mom in a mini van. She had settled for a crossover. Half van, half SUV, all Toni. She wouldn’t admit it, because getting excited over a car just wasn’t like her, but she loved it. Which is why she offered to drive anywhere.

“Where too?” She asked, after she had stopped by a local coffee shop to pick up what she called her “fuel”.

“I don’t know. I need a costume, I guess, to go to this party for Drew.”

“Oooh, what’s he going as? You guys could go as a pair. You know, Bonnie and Clyde, or Jasmine and Aladdin or something.”

I wrinkled my nose. “No. That’s so couple-y. Plus, he didn’t tell me what he was going to be. Just that he already had his costume.”

“Well, we’ll go to Halloween express. I’m sure you can find something there.”


We pulled in to the parking lot, Toni downing the last of her latte and tossing it into the trashcan on our way in. She pulled open the door, and instantly, we were in Halloween land. There were all sorts of crazy decorations, from plastic spiders and rats to life sized figures holding axes or looking creepy. And, of course, racks and racks of costumes, ranging from cheap plastic smock types, to elaborate ones. Toni grabbed a cart and started going through the racks. I, however, was a little taken aback. I had a hard time making choices, and I felt overwhelmed.

Toni saw my shell shocked look and sighed. “C’mon Ella. We need to find you something to wear!”

I headed to a rack and started going through it. “Sexy maid, sexy nurse, sexy cop… Are you seeing a theme here?” I asked Toni.

“Oooh, Ella. I think I found it!” She shouted from across the store.

I dropped my arms from the rack. “What?” I asked, ambling over to her.

“Here.” She said, shoving a red wig and a sequined dress at me. “Go try this on.”


As soon as I saw it in the dressing room, I started protesting.

“You can NOT be serious Toni! I’m not putting this on!” I shouted, even while I was undressing.

“Oh c’mon Ella. If I had your body, I’d totally wear it. It’s cute, it’s sexy, it’s a little funny. Just try it on.” She protested from outside. I got the feeling Toni was trying to live vicariously through me.

“I’ll try it on for shits and giggles, but I’m telling you right now, I am NOT buying it.”

“Yeah yeah yeah.” Toni dismissed me.


As I was sliding the slinky dress over my head, my cell phone rang. Glancing at the caller ID, I saw it was Matt.

“Hey Matt, everything OK?” I asked.

“Yeah. You just got a flower delivery at work.” He answered. “They asked me what you would want done with them.”

“Flowers?” I asked, honestly confused. “Who are they from?” I thought maybe Greg would send them, but he knew I was going out of town. Unless, of course, he forgot.

“There’s a card, you want me to read it?”

“Yeah.” I answered, running my hands over the front of the dress. There was a high slit, and gloves attached to the side. I couldn’t try those on, but they came with the dress. I did look pretty good, but it was way too sexy for me.

“It’s from Jason?” He said, his voice showing his confusion. “It seems kind of personal, I’m not going to read anymore.”

I hung up the phone, feeling a little sick. Matt hadn’t told me what Jason said in his card, but I knew if it was positive or negative, it was going to break my heart. My life had been so good for such a long time, and right now, I was just so sick of being me. I wanted to be someone, anyone else.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and saw an entirely different person. This dress was probably about as far as me as I could get.

“Toni.” I said, opening the door.

“Oh Ella, you look great. But lemme guess, no dice?”

“No, we’re getting it.”

I tried not to cringe as she clapped her hands together and squealed in excitement.