We could sit on the shore, we could just be friends... Or we could jump in

My head was spinning. Kissing Drew felt so right, but my head was screaming how wrong it was. I had already lost Jason, did I really need to put Drew at risk too?

He pulled away slowly, I couldn’t tell if it was because he didn’t want the kiss to end or if because he was afraid to see my reaction. He leaned his forehead against mine.

“Ella I’m sor….” He started.

I didn’t let him finish, I kissed him again. I knew it was a mistake, and the whole time alarms were ringing in my head to stop, to get out, to put the breaks on this whole thing. But I blocked them out. I couldn’t block out how Drew’s lips felt against mine, how my body molded to his, how comfortable it felt, but exciting too.

Now I was afraid to pull off and look at him. What was I doing? What if he had just kissed me because he was drunk? Is that what I wanted it to be? A random make out session with a good friend, something we could look back and laugh about later?

And, if that IS what I wanted, then how come my heart took a dive when I thought that’s all it might be? Why did kissing him feel so… Right? I had come to Indiana to be with Drew because with Drew things were simple. Things were easy. It wasn’t complicated, it was natural. Isn’t that what any girl wanted in a relationship?

Oh my God.
I’m in love with Drew.

I pulled away from him with this thought, sucking in air and feeling like I was drowning. I was panicking. When did this happen? Why did it happen? Did I want it to happen? The first time you fall in love, it’s so easy. They call it falling, because it just happens. The second time you realize they call it falling because you eventually land, and landing often hurts. So you fight falling. I had fought Drew all these years, and it didn’t do me a damn bit of good. Still, I didn’t want to end up hurt. I eased myself back down on the bench, my head spinning. My thoughts kept running in circles, and nothing seemed to make sense.

“Ella…” Drew ventured carefully.

“What exactly just happened?” I asked, genuinely confused. I felt like I had been in a car accident, blindsided. What was going on?

“Well… I… Kissed you.” He struggled with these words, and I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking.

“Why?” I realized it came out more like an accusation, when I meant it as a question.

“I… Don’t know.” Drew was hesitating. I felt stuck, I didn’t know what to say or do.

“Well…” I said, smacking my lips together. “That was… Fun?”

Really. I just told him that it was ‘fun’. I wanted to smack myself, but didn’t. I apparently didn’t need any help looking crazy.

Still, Drew laughed. “Yeah, fun it was.”

“You know. I’m ready to go home. My shoes are killing me, and this dress is super tight.” My tone was fake, too cheery. I knew it, but couldn’t change it.

“Well, I can go get the car…”

“No. No. You stay, have fun. Maybe find a cute girl. Toni said if I needed a ride I could call her. I’ll just crash there and then we can all meet up for breakfast tomorrow.”

“But aren’t you leaving tomorrow?” His brow furrowed.

“Yeah. In the afternoon.”

“Well I wanted to spend time with you.”

“You will! We’ll do breakfast and spend most of the afternoon together. I just feel like I haven’t seen very much of Toni, and so, you know, I think it would be best if I just stayed there tonight, and Toni and I could do our girl thing… I mean, you know how it is, right?” I had no idea what I was babbling about

Drew nodded slowly, and then opened his mouth to say something. I didn’t want to wait to find out what that something was, so I quickly cut him off.

“Better call her! Make sure she’s not asleep!” I said, backing away from him and heading back into the ballroom, dialing Toni’s cell phone as I walked.

“Hello?” She sounded tired, but not asleep.

“You’ve got to come get me, right now.” I said.

“What? It’s like eleven o’clock Ella. Did you and Drew fight?”

“No. Toni, don’t ask questions, just… Please. OK?”

She sighed, but I could hear her rustling. “I’ll be there in five.”
“Thank you.”

Toni pulled up a few minutes later, wearing one of Nick’s old tee shirts, her hair pulled back and hidden under a rag, and jeans she must have thrown on. She was driving barefoot.

“It’s illegal to drive without shoes, you know.”

Toni shrugged. “How are they gonna know I’m not wearing shoes? Besides, I keep a pair in the back, if the 5-0 pull us over, it’s your job to get my shoes.” She glanced over at me. “You look kinda pale, are you OK?” She asked, pulling off.

“Other than the fact that I have no idea what’s going on? Sure.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Can we go somewhere to talk? Get some food or something?”

“Ella…” She whined. “It’s late.”

“Drew kissed me and I freaked, so I really need some food, and I really need to know that Nick’s not going to overhear and butt in.” I blurted out.

“Fine.” She said, a lot more calmer than I had expected her to be. “But you’re paying.”

We found a little dive that was open. It was a little embarrassing to walk in wearing my Jessica Rabbit costume, but Toni pointed out her rag-a-muffin appearance, and I was just grateful to be wearing makeup. We sat at the back, per Toni’s request. We ordered some drinks, I stuck with a coke, Toni ordered a beer. She was quiet, examining her menu. I watched her impatiently, waiting for her to show some signs of shock. She didn’t seem to really care.

“Well, aren’t you shocked?” I exclaimed.

“At what?” She asked, looking at me blankly.

“That Drew kissed me!”

“Oh. That.” She folded her menu.

“Yeah. That.” I mocked her. I was a little exasperated at her lack of interest.

“It’s been a long time coming. I think the only thing I’m shocked about is that it took him THIS long to actually do it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh c’mon Ella. Drew’s been in love with you ever since I’ve known you. Nick says even longer. We’ve had this conversation.”

“I don’t know why everyone always says that. Drew and I are just friends, it’s all we’ve ever been.”

“Why did he kiss you then?”

“I don’t know Toni. Maybe because we were both a little buzzed? I mean it completed the cycle, I’ve now kissed all three of them.”

Toni raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“Nick and I made out. Once. We were really young, and there were some stolen wine coolers involved. I don’t even know if he remembers.”

“Slut.” She joked. I smiled. “Well. I mean, what happened?” She asked.

I paused for a moment, as the waitress came over and took our orders. Then I took a deep breath, and recounted the night.

“…Then he kissed me.”

“Well? What happened after?”

“He apologized. And I kissed him.”

“You kissed him? Now there’s the shocker.” Toni said, although she didn’t look very shocked.

“Why’s that?”

“Well. I mean we’ve always known you loved Drew. I just didn’t know when you’d realize it. With all this stuck-up-Jason’s-butt business. So what happened next?”

“I told him it was fun.”

“You what?!” Toni yelled.

“I know. I know. I just didn’t know what else to say.” I flopped my head into my hands, banging my forehead on the table.

“Oh Ella, why’d you do that?”

“I just didn’t know what to say. I realized that I do care for him, Toni. A lot. And everyone always SAYS that he cares about me too-“

“Loves.” She interrupted. “He l-o-v-e luuuuuuuuuvs you.”

I ignored her. “I just. I don’t know that. What if he kissed me because he was tipsy and horny, and then I make an ass out of myself by assuming he wanted more? I mean, I guess I would get over looking like a total idiot. But then, what if it makes things weird?” A lump formed in my throat. “What if… I lose him?”

“And what if you don’t?” Toni sighed. “Look, Ella, you can play the whole what if game all you want. But the whole thing about life is, it’s a series of chances. What if you would have gone left this morning instead of right? What if you would have been Betty Boop instead of Jessica Rabbit? What if you hadn’t of run away and listened to what Drew had to say? I mean it’s really time to put up or shut up.” She took a swig of her beer, and sat back, looking at me.

“So? What’s it gonna be?”