You got my heart and my head’s lost

Toni tried to keep me occupied for the rest of the night. She chattered on about baby names, going online to look at room designs, asking me questions on everything.

My mind couldn’t be distracted though. I thought only of Drew.

“So. He told Nick he wanted to talk?” I asked, peering over Toni’s shoulder to give her my opinion on a nursery.

“Who?” Toni asked, sounding clueless.

“Drew.” I answered, trying to hide my frustration.

“I guess.” She said, shrugging. “I didn’t talk to Drew.”

“I wonder what he wants to talk about.”

She didn’t answer me, instead clicking through the various pictures of nurseries.

“You know, with Kyle and Izzy, we didn’t find out the sexes before they were born. I’m thinking with this one… Maybe we will. I mean it’ll be nice, in the new house, to decorate the nursery specifically for this little guy or girl.” She said, absently rubbing her non-existent baby bump.

“The little bean.” I said, smiling. I was glad Toni seemed to be feeling better bout the whole situation.

“That’s it! We’ll do a nursery rhyme nursery. If it’s a boy, we’ll stick to the boy-ish ones. Hey diddle-diddle, um, that one where the guy made the house out of the pumpkin…. And Jack in the beanstalk of course… Hey, I kind of like the name Jack you know…” She trailed off with a large yawn.

“Tired?” I asked.

“Exhausted. This has been far worse than my other two pregnancies. You don’t mind if I bail on you for a bit and take a nap?”

“No, go ahead. You can sleep in my bed.”

She handed me her laptop, and I went through a few more sites, absently looking at floor colors and paint colors and design ideas. I wanted to help Toni out, I wanted to suggest what kind of cabinets would look best, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Drew. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I did anyway, day dreaming about him coming and sweeping me off my feet, proposing even. I was lost so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t hear the door open.

I jumped when someone touched my shoulder.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you, I called your name a couple times but you didn’t answer.”

“Matt! What are you doing home? I thought you weren’t coming back till Sunday.”

“Changed my mind. It was nice seeing the fam, but it was boring. Plus, things got a little awkward with Kellie.”

“What happened?” I asked, shutting Toni’s laptop.

“Nothing really. I just don’t think we’ll ever be to the friends stage again. So much has happened between us, and it’s so… Hard. You know? Hard not to act like we’re a couple, because that’s all we’re used too.”

“You’ll get over it, in time.”

He shrugged.

“The rest of your visit was OK though? Your Dad and sister and everyone?”

“Yeah, it was fine.” He looked distracted, I wanted to ask him about it, but something held me back.

“Well. Toni’s here. It’s kind of a long story, but Nick and Drew are coming down tomorrow. They may buy that house down the street.”

“You and Drew made up?” He asked, looking at me.

I shook my head. “Uh uh. He said he wants to talk. Like I said, it’s a long story. But Toni’s going to stay here for a few days. She needs some recovery time.”

He nodded. “Well. I better unpack. I think I’m going to head out tonight for a little bit.”

“Alright, well… Be careful.”

Things with Matt had gotten awkward again, and I hated that. I wondered if Matt and I would ever truly just be friends. There was this chemistry between us that I don’t think either one of us could deny, but most of the time would could at least ignore. Still, it popped up from time to time and ruined everything.

Time moved slow. Toni woke up from her nap, and we went to dinner. We rented a movie on the way home, but halfway through, she fell asleep. I tossed and turned all night, a combination of the uncomfortable couch, and because my mind just wouldn’t shut down about Drew.

The next day, Drew and Nick arrived early, although, I didn’t get to see either one of them. Toni had suggested that I sit this one out. I pouted, but knew she was right. It would be really distracting and awkward for Drew and I to be in the same room together, with all that’s between us. Still, it was hard to be left behind.

After about an hour, I heard a knock on the door. I opened it, and there stood Drew.

“Hi.” I said, opening the door and letting him in. He looked good. He was wearing a v-neck sweater with a white tee underneath, and a pair of jeans. He smelled good too. It took everything I had not to reach for him.

“Hi.” He answered, entering the house.

We went into the living room and sat down.

“Oh.” I said, looking over and seeing his gifts. “I got you these… For Christmas. I… Didn’t return them so…” I felt stupid and clumsy.

“Thanks. I, uh, actually got you something too. I just left it in the car. Nick and Toni went out to lunch to talk about things. I think they’re going to buy the house though.”

“Oh. Good.” I was really excited about that, especially since it meant Drew would be right down the street as well, but I just couldn’t muster it up.

“Look, Ella. I have to do this quickly, because if I don’t, I won’t do it. You look really good, by the way.” He babbled. I noticed for the first time how nervous Drew looked.

“OK…” I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

“I was really mad at you. But, then I missed you. I thought, maybe we could work on things. I mean Jason told me how you called him and I really do think it’s over between you too…”

“There’s a but coming, isn’t there?” I asked. I could feel it in the air, waiting to fly out and pop my balloon of hope.

“Yeah.” He said, looking sheepish. “I just. I have a lot going on right now. My Mom… My Mom is dating. Jesus. She’s dating this guy, and he’s younger, and he has kids. His wife died… And she’s just… So nice to these kids. Not that she wasn’t nice to me… It’s just that she mothers them. I don’t know… I’m trying to deal with that and the divorce, and then there’s trusting you… I just don’t think I have it in me right now. If that makes any sense.”

“It doesn’t.” I answered honestly. “I just. I love you Drew. I just want to be with you. Through the good and the bad.”

“I know, but I just feel like… This is something I have to do on my own. And I feel like, maybe we rushed things too. I just want to make sure that when we’re together, it’s right. I’m just not feeling that right now.”

“So what am I supposed to do? Wait for you?” I asked, coming across more angry that I meant too. I was just so disappointed.

“No. Do what you have to do. If it’s right for us to get together… Well, it’ll happen.”

“What if I date Jason?”

Now it was Drew’s turn to be angry. “I thought you said you were over him? Done? If that’s true, why would you want to date him?”

“I don’t. I don’t think. But Jesus Drew, I’m just terrified of messing up again. I want to make sure the rules are all laid out, so I know. So I don’t screw this up again. If you asked me to wait for you, I would. Don’t you know that? I would wait. I messed up, I made a mistake, and I’m so sorry for that. I really am. Do you want me to wait? Do you not want me to date anyone else? Is it OK if I see other people?”

“I can’t control you.” He said, his voice soft.

“I know. I wouldn’t let you, it’s not about control. It’s about knowing what I have to do in order to get what I want. And I want you.”

“I just think…” He sighed. “I think we should let it go. See what happens. So yeah, it’s fine if you date other people. It’s fine even if it’s Jason. I think if we’re supposed to be together, we’ll eventually be together.”

“I just wish it were now.”

“I know Ella. Part of me does too. But, part of me is also glad this happened. I just think things moved pretty quickly… Plus, maybe this was supposed to happen.”

“Maybe.” I said. I didn't think so.

FB: Now here I am trying to make sense of it all We were best friends now we don't even talk

Jacob breaking up with me wasn’t even the “highlight” in what will forever be known as the worst summer of my life. The next week I ended up getting tore a new one, not only from a parent of one of my campers, but also by my boss.

The situation was so ridiculous that had I not been so upset about the whole thing, I probably would have laughed until I cried. Bethani and I were teamed up that week, of course, and we had a little girl in our cabin who was more reserved than the other girls. I tried all my tricks to bring her out, giving her one on one time, teaming her up with a camper who had been there before… Nothing worked. At the end of the week – Friday night, our last day there – the shy-girl randomly walked up to another girl in the cabin and smacked her in the face.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. I hadn’t known that all week long the girls had been picking on this other girl. I hadn’t seen anything, and nobody mentioned anything to be. The shy-girl’s Mom was upset that her daughter was being picked on, and blamed me for it. The girl admitted that I had tried to talk to her and be nice to her, and also admitted that she had told me nothing about what was going on. Her Mom even admitted that of course her daughter didn’t tell me, that would mean that she was a rat, she also said point blank that the girls probably didn’t let on they were picking on her.

I was stunned. What exactly did she want me to do then? I had tried to draw the girl out of her shell. I had tried to help her make friends. I’m not a mind reader, and I honestly have a zero tolerance for bullying (I always told the girls, they don’t have to like everyone, but there’s no reason to be mean to someone either. It makes no sense, wasting your energy picking on someone you don’t like, and risking getting into trouble over them.) She was totally chewing me out for not stopping something that she admits that I had no clue what was going on. She didn’t even accuse me of not close enough attention!

My boss, who hated to look bad, decided to make an example of me. Bethani, of course, had bailed out on the meeting, leaving early. That didn’t matter anyway, I was a senior counselor and I should have known better. By the end of the meeting, I was in tears, which made me even more embarrassed, to cry in front of my boss and other co-workers. At this point though, I was just so stressed out and pissed off. I was angry at so many different people, Jacob for dumping me without even telling me, Bethani for bailing and letting me take all the blame, my boss for not realizing how stupid the situation was and sticking up for me. I busted my ass all summer, and even before that, to help him get ready for camp, and he had no problem letting me take the fall for something that wasn’t my fault. I was even pissed at Jason, because he hadn’t been in touch like he used to.

I went home that weekend and seriously considered not showing back up on Monday morning. I went home that weekend, ignoring everyone’s phone calls. I was sulking, and I knew it, but I didn’t care. I was in such a bad mood, I didn’t think I’d ever get out of it.

I did go back to work. I had too. I knew I was having a tough summer, but I did love my job. Besides, quitting would put me in a much bigger predicament.

Still, I was relieved when the summer was over, but I didn’t really realize what it meant. I was happy to not have to work with Bethani anymore, and to be able to stay home and recharge, but all I did was think about Jacob.

I knew breaking up was the best for us. I realized that things had changed, I didn’t have the same feelings for Jacob anymore, and he had issues that I couldn’t fix. I just couldn’t figure out why he did what he did. Was he lying the whole time? Pretending to care for me when he really didn’t? I hadn’t thought he was that type of guy, but did I really know him at all?

I was angry, and confused. I wanted answers, but I had no idea how to get them. I hadn’t called him since the day I was supposed to pick him up from the airport. What was the point? I had called him a million times that day, so worried that something had happened. He hadn’t answered, nor had he called me back. I sat down at the computer, trying to write him an email… But…

For one, I didn’t want him to know how upset I was over this. Part of me didn’t want him to get the wrong idea, I was fine with the fact we had broken up, but I was so pissed off at how he had stood me up. The other part of it was pure pride. He was going around telling everyone that he had dumped me. I didn’t want him to know that ticked me off as well.

I also had no idea what to say. Everything I wrote sounded so angry… I was angry, but mainly I just wanted answers. Did he ever care about me? When did he stop? Why wasn’t he honest?

I thought the summer couldn’t get any worse, but just like in cliché horror movies, once you utter the words “it can’t get any worse than this” it always does.

I was hoping to end the summer on a high note with a trip to Indiana for Kyle’s baptism. I was going to stay for a few days, relaxing and getting to know the tiny human that was my new God-son. I was a little nervous, I knew Jason would be there, but I was also hoping that maybe we could reconnect a little, get our old friendship back.

That hope soared when I arrived and Kayla wasn’t with Jason.

“Where’s your girlie friend?” I asked, trying to sound casual. I couldn’t help holding out hope that they had broken up again.

“Her friend’s parents actually paid for her to go on a cruise with them. Nice, huh?”

“Yeah.” I answered, disappointed and a little jealous.

“But, actually, I was kinda glad she’s gone. I mean, I miss her, I’d like to see her, but I feel like you and I don’t get to spend any time together. You’ve been busy with camp and all… I feel like I’ve missed out on some stuff.”

I beamed. “Yeah, well, you know how it goes. Busy me.”

“Uh huh.” He said, patting the seat next to him on the sofa. I sat down. “What’s been going on?” He asked.

“Not much. Glad summers over.” I answered, smiling.

“Really? Usually it’s your favorite thing.” He said, looking surprised. “What happened?”

“Summer was just a mess this year. Work was really stressful, I got chewed out, and then the whole Jacob situation.”

“Yeah. I was wondering what happened with Jacob? It seemed so… Sudden.”

I shrugged. “We’ve been having… Issues… For awhile. He didn’t deal well with me working, he wanted me to come out and see him. He flipped when I left to go visit Toni when she had the baby, and I had told him I had enough.” I hesitated, wondering if I should tell him the whole thing. “The thing is… The reason I called you that day… Well. I had broken up with Jacob a few days before. And he had called me, begging me to take him back, saying he was flying out to work things out… I went to pick him up, and he just wasn’t there. I thought something bad had happened… Like he had hurt himself or maybe got into an accident. I had no idea he was with someone else. He never told me.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?” Jason said, looking surprised.

“I don’t know Jason… You seemed so distant, and to tell you the truth, I was kind of embarrassed. I mean, I didn’t have any idea any of this was going on. Which just makes me wonder how long he’s been lying to me.”

Jason shook his head. “I don’t know Ella. Geez, I’m sorry. If I had known… Well, I would have never introduced you to him.”

“It’s not your fault. I mean, I don’t think he was always like this… I think Michelle doing what she did made him have a break down. I just kept waiting for the old Jacob to come back… And I think maybe he’s gone for good.”

We were both quiet for a moment, thinking our own thoughts.

“What about you? What have you been up too?” I asked, realizing that I really had clue what Jason had been doing these last few months.

He smiled a shy smile. “Well. That’s kinda why I came home. I mean there was the new baby and everything… But, I sort of have some news…”

“What kind of news?” I asked cautiously.

“Well. There’s good news, and then there’s bad news. Which do you want first?”

“Bad news.” I always took the bad before the good, because then I had the good to look forward too.

“Well. I’m leaving. They’re deploying me again…”

“Oh Jason.” I said, trying not to cry. This really was the worst summer ever.

“It’s OK. I’ll be fine.” He said, throwing his arm around me and pulling me in for a side-to-side hug.

“You say that, but you don’t know.” I said, looking down.

“Well hey,” he said, after a moment, “you don’t even know what my good news is.”

“What?” I asked, sniffling.

“Well…” He looked nervous. “I’ve decided… I just think… With the deployment.” He stumbled over his words, and then laughed. “Man, this is crazy. I decided with the deployment that I’ve wasted too much time, ya know? And. Well. I’m going to ask Kayla to marry me. It’ll be a long engagement… We won’t do it before I leave or anything…”

I didn’t hear him after that. My world fell silent. It was over, and nothing would ever top this, the worst summer ever.

No it don't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good

Toni pulled herself together quicker than I would have. But, that didn’t shock me. It was Toni after all, the rock.

She wiped her face, sniffling, and looked up at me.

“Geez Ella. I’m sorry. I’m being such a baby. It’s not really a big deal.”

“I think it is Toni. I mean, maybe not to me, but I also have no idea where you’re coming from. But, I mean… If you’re this upset… Well, you don’t get this upset often, and I’ve never seen you get this upset over nothing, so something must be wrong.”

She sighed. “You’ve heard of dog-tired, right?”

“Yeah.” I answered.

“I’m Mom-tired.” She said, smiling.

I rolled my eyes and smiled. “Maybe you just need a little break.”

“That’s why I’m here.” She replied.

“Well. How long do I have your for?” I asked, opening the door and getting out of the car. Toni followed suit.

“I don’t know. Not long, probably. Nick’s Mom is helping him with the kids, but his sister is actually about to pop any day now, so she’ll have her hands full with the new grandchild. Which sucks for us, as well. I mean I’m excited that our kids are finally getting cousins, it’s just that Nick’s Mom’s been a huge help…”

We entered the house and were greeted by Cumulus. I went to let him outside while I grabbed plates to eat our lunch on. I hadn’t been hungry, but now I was starving.

“You know Toni… Have you thought at all about moving? I mean you say your house is too small…”

“We’ve toyed with it. I love the house, and we worked really hard to make it what we wanted. The market was holding me back from saying anything, since I didn’t think we could get anywhere near what it was worth. But it’s weird, because someone just told us that if we wanted to sell to let them know, that they were interested…”

“Why don’t you guys move here?” I said slowly. I was kind of afraid of Toni’s answer, I didn’t know if I was overstepping any boundaries.

“Move here?” She asked.

“Yeah. I mean. I could help out some more. You said awhile ago that Nick’s company wanted to transfer him here, to get that promotion. You just stayed for your job. I know you don’t want to be a stay at home Mom, but… If Nick got that promotion, you wouldn’t have to work. I’m not saying stay at home all the time. Maybe you could get a nanny to help a few days a week and be able to go do something for you, you could write that book you always wanted too, or volunteer more like you want… And I’d be in town. I could baby-sit more and some days probably even take the kids with me into work.”

“We could buy a bigger house… Maybe I could even get a part time job, just to help out…” Toni mumbled. I knew she was mainly talking to herself, trying to work it out in her head.

“Look, it seems like this is something you should do. You’re so stressed about the size of your house. Nick’s Mom’s not going to be able to help as much, Nick’s job wants to transfer him, you have someone interested in your house… Who is that by the way?”

“Drew’s Dad, believe it or not. He picked Drew up when he got drunk at our house, and he saw the house. Since he’s splitting from Drew’s Mom, he’s looking for his own place. He loves our house.”

“Well, see, it’s all working out. Even better, there’s a house down the street which the owner’s are putting up for sale soon.”

Toni was quiet for a moment. “It definitely deserve some serious consideration… But Ella, no offense, I’m not going to move here just for you. And while I’ll take a look at the house down the street, I’m not going to buy it just because it’s close to you.”

“I know.” I said. Normally my feelings would have been hurt by the bluntness, but that was just how Toni was, laying it all out on the line. “But, I really do think it’s your style. I’ll call over there and see if we can go over and take a look.”

“OK, but I’ll still have to talk to Nick about it.”

“Oooh, I’m so excited!” I said, getting up to call the neighbor.

We ate lunch and then headed over to check out the house. The neighborhood was really quite perfect. The streets were lined with streets, the houses set far enough apart that you felt like you had your privacy, but close enough together so that you still felt like neighbors. My house was the smallest on the street, but all the houses, mine included had huge front and back yards. This house in particular was massive. It had an attic and a basement, and then the main and upper floors. The basement was finished, perfect for a game room or family room. The main floor had a giant living room, a nice sized kitchen with a breakfast nook, a formal dining room, and then another room which could have been an office, play room, formal living room, den… Whatever. There was also a bathroom and a laundry room, which also served as the entrance to the attached garage. The upstairs held four big bedrooms. The master had it’s own bathroom, and then there was another bathroom off the hallway. The attic was pretty unimpressive. It was just stuffed full of junk, but a good area for storage.

Toni was quiet as she was looking through the house. I could tell she was looking for a reason to say no. I knew she wanted to live close to me, but again, didn’t want to settle on a house just because it was close to me. I think Toni was really looking for their forever home, she always had a dream of raising her kids in the same house, especially since she was bounced around so much as a kid.
“It needs some work.” She said when we left the house.

“What are you talking about? That house is perfect for you guys and you know it! And there’s so much more room to expand if you need too. You could put a bedroom downstairs in the basement, even refinish the attic and have one there, and you still have that extra room on the main floor for a bedroom.”

“How many kids do you think I’m gonna pop out anyway? I don’t need that many bedrooms!” She exclaimed, laughing.

“Yeah. Right.” I said sarcastically. “Because your plans have worked out SO well for you.” I looked pointedly at her stomach. She laughed and pushed me.

“Anyway.” She started. “The house has good bones. I do think it’ll be a good fit for us. BUT, it still needs work. That wall paper has got to go. I would like to replace the floors, the kitchen needs updated, the bathroom could use a lift… I’d like to redo the attic and turn it into a guest room…” She trailed off. “I’ll call Nick. Maybe he can come down tomorrow and take a look at it.”

I knew when she said that, that she really wanted the house. Toni was logical, and she tended to think things through. Normally she would have wanted a few days to think things over, but trying to get Nick down here so quickly… Especially when she was angry at him? She may not have been showing it, but I knew she was excited over the house, and feeling better now that she had a plan in place.

The thing too, is even though she was saying the house needed work, I knew it was only things she WANTED to have done. The house was in perfect live in condition, she just wanted to change things up to make it her own.

Toni went into my bedroom to call Nick when we got back home. I left her alone, taking Cumulus on a long walk. When I got back, she was off the phone, sitting on the couch with her laptop out.

“What’s going on?” I asked, unleashing Cumulus. “Work everything out?”

“He’s coming up tomorrow to look at the house. If he likes it, I’m going to email my boss and see if we can work out my working part time from here for awhile, emailing in assignments and stuff. Nick called Drew’s Dad and we talked about it with him, he was serious about buying the house, so.. Again, as long as Nick likes the house, and the offer of that promotion is still there…”

“Yes!” I said, jumping up and down. “I’m finally going to have friends in town!”

“There’s a couple of things Ella… Drew was there when I called. He wants to come take a look at the house with Nick and I… When he thought he was moving down here, he agreed to let his friend sub-lease his place, so… Well, he had no place to go. He’s been wanting to move down here, and well… We could use the help…”

“Are you saying he may move in with you? Like, down the street from me?” I asked, not sure how I feel about it.

“Yeah. He would help Nick repair the house, we could get it done a lot faster with two of them. He told Nick he wanted to talk to you too. But, there’s something that’s been bugging me… Earlier, when I said you should give Jason another chance? I shouldn’t have said that. I was upset, and I was regretting a lot of things… It’s just. Ella everything happens for a reason. You and Jason didn’t work out, and what I said… I was wrong. If you go for Jason, you’ll lose Drew, and I think that’s what you’re going to end up regretting the most. I mean sure, you’re always going to wonder what might have been with Jason, but… I think you just need to call that water under the bridge.”

I was quiet for a moment. I will admit when she told me I should try with Jason, I had been considering calling him again.

“Yeah.” I finally answered. “I think you’re right.”

FB: You never said you were pretending

While camp was usually stressful and tiring for me, it was also a time for me to recharge and unwind a bit. Kind of like exercising, yes it was work, yes it wore me out, but after I was done I often felt more relaxed.

This year, it was not like that at all.

After the sex incident I moved back up to main camp, telling my boss that Ed would keep an eye on everything down there. I didn’t tell them exactly what happened, just that my cell phone service sucked and I wanted to spend these last few days being able to talk to my boyfriend before I was chained to a cabin at night. The thing about camp was, it was a real life Real World. Drama spread fast, relationships always popped up and fizzled, friendships died… We always started the summer wanting to get along, but after being hot and tired for so long… Well, people stopped being polite and started being real. I always tried to stay out of the camp drama though. Sure, it was ALWAYS interesting to hear about or to watch, but drama is never fun while you’re in the middle of it. I didn’t want to start drama by blabbing Bethani and Jeremiah’s business all over camp (although I could argue that had they wanted to keep private matters private, they probably should have… Well, kept their privates private.) Still, Bethani and Jeremiah both started acting like I had been the one to do something wrong. They were polite to my face, but I knew by the way they acted that as soon as I was gone, they were busy talking shit about me.

Amanda told me that Bethani had said she thought I was a prude. Which, I can only guess is because I walked out of their fuck-fest. The thing is, I’m not a prude. I get that different people have different fetishes, and while I don’t understand them all (I once watched a documentary on fetishes. One of them was where people would ride people around like horses. And I mean ride in the literally sense, not in a sexual way. The people-horses would act like horses, and would wear saddles and bits and reins and the whole nine yards. I mean at first I thought it was a weird animal sex fetish, but the riders don’t even have sex with their “horses”. I don’t get it.) I do understand that different things turns different people on. As long as you’re not a pedophile, and everyone involved is consenting, then I don’t really care what you do. While I thought it was a little skeevy that Jeremiah and Bethani had jumped in bed with each other so quickly, I realized things like that happened, and I wasn’t even judging them for that. The thing that upset me is, there were so many other places to do the deed. They weren’t even trying to be quiet about it. I also wondered what they were planning on doing when the kids were there? Would they still have sex with a cabin full of kids?

I wasn’t the only one feuding with Bethani, and at least my feud with her was a silent one. Jessica also had beef with her, and was very vocal about it. Part of it was a beef we all had with Bethani: She was lazy. She would stay up with Jeremiah all night and then try to find a way to sleep all day. One group activity she suggested for her cabin? Meditation. Which sounds really nice. Only when her kids got bored with it and tried to tell her they wanted something else to do, they found out that Bethani was asleep. Her co-counselor ended up doing all of the work, because if it was left up to Bethani, their cabin would sit inside (which was a strict no-no) and do nothing all day except watch Bethani sleep. When Bethani DID decide to do something, it was only to pair up with Jeremiah’s cabin, which, usually resulted in trouble.

The other part of Jessica’s beef with Bethani wasn’t so legitimate. She didn’t like the fact that Bethani was dating her brother. She never really told me why, and I didn’t ask. I liked Jessica, though part of me wondered if maybe she didn’t like Bethani dating Jeremiah because Bethani was white and Jeremiah was black. Jessica didn’t come off as racist to me, but a lot of people who were against interracial relationships didn’t consider themselves to be racist. Still, another part of me wondered if she didn’t want Bethani with Jeremiah just because she didn’t like Bethani. If I had a brother, I don’t think I’d want Bethani dating him either.

So work was filled with drama.

My relationship was filled with drama. After the argument Jacob and I had gotten in, things had shifted. I had called back and apologized, which was my mistake. I think he had done so well because he was afraid of losing me. Since I apologize… I don’t know. It was if that had eased his fears. Some nights he would be great, the Jacob I fell in love with, and I would forget about Jason and have fun. Other nights, it was not so great. He would bring up me coming to visit him again, getting extremely hostile when I once again would refuse.

He said I was picking my job over him, which may have been true, but I could have argued the same about him. I tried to reason with him – I had been the last one to come visit, his only visit to me had gotten cut short (he got REALLY angry at that one, calling me insensitive and hanging up.) I had seen where he worked, he could make the trip out to see my job, maybe get a better understanding as to why it was so important to me.

I ended up breaking up with him again. Toni had her baby, and I had left camp early Friday in order to drive down to be with her and my new Godson. I didn’t leave her house until late Monday, missing two days of camp. Jacob ended up tearing me a new one for that, saying horrible things and accusing me of putting everyone else before him.

“Jacob it’s different!” I yelled back, still trying to reason with him.

“How? How is it different at all? You refused to even consider taking ANY days off to see me, yet here you are, taking two whole days and the weekend to visit her!”

“She just had a baby! I’m his Godmother! Not to mention, she has a place for me to do laundry, I was able to get everything I needed done at her house.” I was trying to be logical. The thing was, logic just couldn’t reach Jacob.

“Are you some kind of lesbians or something? Do you love her more than you love me?” He accused, again, being completely illogical.

I snapped. “I’m done Jacob. D-O-N-E. I’m done with you being totally crazy, I’m done with you being selfish, I’m done with dealing with all your issues. The reason I visited Toni over you is that she appreciates what I do for her. All you want to do is walk all over me, and I am DONE.”

With that I was the one who hung up on him. And I didn’t answer his many calls back to me.

That is, until Jacob got smart and called me on the camp phone. I knew who it was as soon as my boss told me there was a phone call for me. But, I also didn’t want to refuse. Again, camp drama was major, and I didn’t need a bunch of people talking about how I was having issues with my boyfriend.

“Ella, hear me out, OK?” He said when I said hello.

“Uh huh.” I answered as tightly as I could. My boss was hovering nearby. I really wanted to ask Jacob why the fuck he would ever think calling me at work was a good idea.

“I had an emergency meeting with my therapist last night. She thinks I’m being too controlling and demanding over you. She says I failed to assert myself with Michelle, and now I’m trying to overcompensate through you.”

I shuddered. It kind of creeped me out that Jacob might be thinking of Michelle when he was with me.

“Anyway, I’m sorry. I have been a really big jerk, and you really have been really good about… Well. Everything. I know I said it last time, but please, just one more chance Ella. Please.”

“Jacob I can’t really talk about this right now.” I said, trying to keep my voice light, yet firm, hoping he’d get the underlying message to leave me alone.

“Look, I have leave already booked, and my Mom bought me a flight. Just please, pick me up at the Columbus Airport tomorrow.”

I sighed, unable to hide my irritation. My boss glanced up at me.

“I don’t think that’s doable.” I said, again, trying to keep my voice even.

“Well I’m coming. Please, don’t leave me stranded. 2:30, OK?”

“I’ll try.” I answered, feeling myself caving. I really did care for Jacob, but it was just getting ridiculous

“Good, I’ll see you then.” He answered, and without waiting for a reply, he hung up.

I was livid. But I still got my boss to let me go the next morning to go pick Jacob up. I waited for hours. He never showed. That phone call in the office was the last time I ever spoke to him.

I know what you’re worried about. It was the first thought that flashed through my mind too. I wondered if Jacob had just cracked, had enough, and killed himself. I felt awful driving back, panic gripping my throat. When my boss asked me where this mysterious boyfriend was, I felt ashamed, as if I was just pretending to have a boyfriend. I lied, telling him Jacob’s leave had gotten canceled, he had to stay.
I called Jacob over and over again. I heard the endless ringing like I had that night with Michelle. Panic rose in my throat all over again, and I couldn’t hide it. Finally I gave in, and called Jason, sure that Jacob was dead and surprised that Jason hadn’t called yet. Surely he would be the one who wanted to break the news, he was my friend, after all.

“Hello?” He answered. I was too scared to be shocked that he actually picked up.

“What’s going on?” I blurted out.

“What do you mean?” He asked. “Are you OK, you sound weird?”

“What happened to Jacob?”

“What do you mean what happened to him?”

“I mean what happened, Jason?”

“Nothing, I just saw him ten minutes ago. He told me you two had broken up, but he said you were OK with it.”

“He told you he dumped me?” I asked, my fear turning into pure rage.

“Yeah. He was with some girl already. He said you knew though?” Jason said, sounding confused.

“Yeah. Yeah. Well. I guess I knew all along, didn’t I?” I said.

Whatever Wednesday: Happy Birthday To Me!

So, Sunday was my birthday. It went OK, there were a few bumps, and overall I think the older I get, as much as I want to be excited about birthdays, they just aren't as exciting anymore. I feel horrible saying that, because my husband tried really hard to make it wonderful, but there were a few things that popped up that he just couldn't expect or really fix.

For one, my biggest birthday present was a new digital camera. I thought about which one I wanted, and had it picked out and all, and Jeremy ordered it. Well, he checked it the next day to see if it had shipped yet, and found out they canceled his order (he ordered through paypal, and was having it shipped to his work, so since his work address wasn't a "verified" paypal address, they wouldn't ship it there.) Well, he was a little upset because he hadn't gotten any type of email that it wouldn't ship. If he hadn't of checked it, he wouldn't have known. We decided to go out and look at other camera's at an actual store, and after talking to the sales person, I actually found one I thought would not only work better, but was also a little cheaper. So we bought that one.

Two days later? Paypal took the money out of our account for the first camera. It wasn't pending at all, they just randomly took it out, but the order was still canceled. This also caused us to overdraft. Fun, eh? So after spending hours on the phone with paypal, they told us they would refund the money TO THE BANK within four business days (which would have been Friday.) Friday rolls around, still no money in the bank. Jeremy calls back, they tell him it's not their policy to refund the money to the bank, but rather to his paypal account (which, that's NOT what they told him. He talked to two different people and they both told him the money would be back in the bank by Friday.) So, I guess the money had actually been sitting in his paypal account since Tuesday (again, when he talked to people, NO ONE told him this.) And now we're waiting for it to be transferred back to the bank.

So that was a bit of a bummer.

But, it was a good thing we had all that drama with Dave and Busters, because we didn't have nearly as many people show as we should have, which was also annoying. I don't really care if you tell me you're not coming, or even that you might come, but I HATE it when people say they're coming, and then just don't show. OK, I get things pop up, but it seems over and over it's the SAME people, and it's always the people that either complain that no one shows or RSVP's to their things, or when I stop inviting them to things, they complain that I don't invite them. But to me, it's like, why ask you to come when I know you aren't going to show anyway?

I have one friend in particular, she was upset that I thought I wasn't going to be able to come to her son's birthday party (she told me it was going to be the 16th, so I said it was going to go. Then she changed it to the 22nd, which I had plans for. But then my plans got canceled and I was able to go.) But she complained the whole time about all her friends who didn't show. Well, I didn't say anything, because she had done the same thing to me a few months ago at Cayden's first birthday party. But then she swore up and down she was coming, and they already had a sitter and yadda yadda yadda. Doesn't show, doesn't even call. I come home to a facebook comment that she was really sorry they couldn't come, but their sitter had canceled. Every time it's something, and it's just so annoying to me. The situation is even more annoying because it was her mother in law she was having babysit, and there's so much drama with that, but we won't get into it.

I sound like I'm complaining a lot. Which is awful, because the people who were there? Were the ones who really mattered. And it was awesome and fun, and I was shocked because they brought me gifts, which I was not expecting at all. I went off my diet and ate a lot of not good for me food, and drank a lot of not good for me alcohol, and it was a good time.

I'm not starting to look ahead to Jeremy's birthday, I would like to get a bunch of his friends out for a surprise party. He's so low key and doesn't ask for much, so I'd like to surprise him.

What else is going on? We're getting ready to file our taxes, we're waiting on Jeremy's last w-2, which will hopefully be here today. Our big plan with our taxes is to get a new car. I hate the one I'm driving now, it's old, it's a junker, it's just.. Ugh. But, there is one thing I do love about it - I don't have a car payment. So we're going to look around and see what we can find. I don't really want a car payment, but if we have a small-short one, I can do that. My dream? Is to find an xl-7 (love them. Dunno why, but I do.) I don't think that's going to happen, but I would really love it if it did. I actually found one, decently priced, it's in Cinci, which is OK, not too far from us, and I LOVE going to Cinci, but alas, they don't have financing for us. I'm really bummed but... Cest La Vie.

Then our plan is to sell our other two cars and get Jeremy a new pick up (and by new, I mean new to us. Jeremy actually prefers his trucks to be old and kinda beat up - as long as they run well, and can haul a load, he doesn't really care what he looks like. We actually both miss his old truck, which was REALLY old, REALLY loud, and REALLY big, we called it big green. We had our first date in that truck. I loved it. I couldn't tell you what it was, but it was a wonderful truck.)

So. I'm excited for that.

What about you guys? What are your plans for your taxes?

Two additional things: I added some of the blog links up on the side again. However, those are ones I had to search for, or get from other blogs that I read. No one posted any blogs. So, again, if you want your blog up, or a blog you love, please comment with the address, and whether it's fiction or non-fiction.

Secondly, I will be wrapping up the flashback posts here in the next few days. I don't LOVE the way they're written, but I was just trying to close things down, so to speak.

Also, I just want to say, I've gotten some really lovely comments lately. I really do appreciate all you guys have to say, good, or bad. It really makes this worth doing, to know people do really enjoy it and like it. So, again, thank you so much!

So go on and let the rain pour, I'll be all you need and more

Toni was silent on the car ride home, but I could see out of the corner of my eye that tears had started falling down her face.

“Toni? What’s the matter?” I asked, unsure of how to proceed. Toni was the strong one out of the two of us, a rock. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her break down, and I was completely sure how to handle it.

She shook her head, wiping at her eyes. “Just. Can we wait till we get home? I already feel like an idiot.”

“Yeah.” I answered, not really sure what else to do.

The car ride home was strained and silent, with Toni letting out little sniffles here and there, and me feeling like a giant tool. After what seemed like an insane amount of time, we finally pulled into the driveway. I unbuckled my seat belt and went to leave the car, but Toni grabbed my arm.

“What is it?” I asked, settling back into my seat. I was a little scared, Toni had never acted this… Odd before. “Are you and Nick OK?”

“Yeah. I mean. Kind of. I don’t really know.” She wailed.

“Did he cheat on you?” I asked, feeling outraged. I loved Nick, but I would have no problem killing him.

“NO!” She shouted back. “It’s nothing like that. I mean we are fighting, but it’s…” She trailed off.

“Just tell me Toni!” I shouted, sounding harsher than I meant too.

“I’m pregnant!” She shouted back, and then threw her head into her hands, sobbing into her palms.

I didn’t know what to say. I was confused. I thought pregnancy was a happy thing, especially if your life was set. Toni was married to a great guy, had a house, and two children already. Why was she so upset?

“Toni… Honey, I’m sorry. I don’t get it… Why is that such a horrible thing?”

She looked at me, and then burst into a fresh new set of tears.

“That’s just it! Everyone thinks it’s so fantastic. But I don’t.” She sighed, sniffling. I could tell she was trying to compose herself before she continued. I gave her a moment. She wiped her eyes and breathed in deep, and then she continued.
“My life… It’s just going too fast Ella. I married sooner than I expected because of my Dad, and I don’t regret that really, and then Kyle came along… And I love Kyle, I swear I do, but it was rough, Ella. Trying to work on the house and juggle a baby and a job and a marriage… And then came Izzy. I love Izzy, I love both my kids, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world – but sometimes… Sometimes I feel like I have traded everything for them.” She sighed deeply. “I hate admitting this out loud, I think it makes me sound like a horrible Mother, but Ella, I’m so sick of being last all the time. I’m so tired of being the finder of lost things, the nurse to boo-boo’s, the wiper of butts, the cleaning lady… I feel like I’m just everybody’s everything, all the time, and I feel like I’m losing myself, and I just… I can’t add another one to the mix. I just can’t.”

“Does Nick know? I mean have you talked to him at all?”

“Yeah.” She laughed, shaking her head. “He doesn’t get it. He thinks we have it all. A beautiful house, 2.5 kids, the most wonderful marriage… And I mean we do. I’m lucky, I know that Ella. There are plenty of people who can’t find love, or can’t afford their own house, or can’t have children. They would kill for the life I have, which makes me feel so guilty, because I just feel so trapped.”

“Do you want to leave Nick?” I asked, confused at what she thought the answer was. Wondering if maybe that’s why she came here, because she was leaving Nick.

“No!” She said, sounding stunned and shocked. “I love Nick. It isn’t about that. It’s just so hard to explain. I just feel like everything is going so fast and I just want things to slow down. I want people to realize that yes I’m a Mother, but more importantly I’m Toni. I don’t mind being last sometimes, I don’t mind putting my kids ahead of myself the majority of the time, but I feel like it’s just all the time. And I don’t get credit for it! If I tell Nick I want to take one weekend day to myself, go to the spa, go have a cup of coffee by myself, he just gives me the biggest guilt trip. ‘Why don’t you want me to come? Why can’t you go somewhere where we can all go together.’ And if I tell him the truth – I just want an hour by myself – he acts like I’ve just committed this huge… I don’t know. Like why wouldn’t I want to be with him and the kids?”

“Well… Why don’t you?”

She sighed. “Because I’m with them ALL the time as it is, I mean the only break I get from them is when I’m at work, and then I have a bunch of other people demanding things from me. It doesn’t help that my job is more flexible than Nick’s, so. One of the kids gets sick, guess who’s staying home? One of the kids has a well baby check, guess who takes them? Again, most of the time I don’t mind, but even though my job is flexible, it’s still a job. I still have deadlines and responsibilities, and if the kids get sick when one of those deadlines pop up, I’m the one who has to work double duty to try to get it all done.”

“I mean have you told Nick about this?”

She nodded. “He just doesn’t understand Ella. I think it’s a man thing. I don’t understand how he couldn’t understand. I mean he’s not with the kids all the time. He goes on camping trips every now and then, he doesn’t get called home from work randomly in the middle of the day. And he gets the fun parts. He plays with the kids while I make dinner, he does their story time while I do laundry. I need some help. He says he does help. I don’t see it.”

“So what does he think of the baby?”

“Like I said, he’s excited. Told our nanny, though I asked him not to tell anyone until I decided on what I was going to do. ‘What’s there to decide?’ He said, and went off and told her. Worst part is, she doesn’t want to watch another child either. Kyle and Izzy are quite a handful, Izzy’s getting into everything, and Kyle’s the typical dare-devil boy. So Kyle wants me to stay at home. My company has been handing out stay at home jobs, cutting the time to part time though. He and I got into it big time when I told him I didn’t want too. ‘Why not?’ He said. ‘I would LOVE to stay home all day with the kids.’ He said. Sure, he would love to stay home with the kids. He thinks it’s playing games all day and watching cartoons.”

“Is that when you left?” I asked.

“Yeah. I just had to get away. He just doesn’t get it. I share EVERYTHING with him and the kids. My time, my energy, my mind… And the only thing I really have left to myself is my body, and now they want me to share that too.”

“Have you thought about… Other options?” I asked.

“You mean abortion?” She said, not one to dodge a bullet. “I’ve thought about it. A lot. I mean a very small part of me wants to do it just because I’m so pissed off that Nick is trying to tell me I can’t. But I do realize how immature that is, and that I shouldn’t be forced to choose one way or another, and if I did it just because Nick’s saying no, in a way he’d still be forcing the decision on me. A bigger part of me wants too just because I think maybe it’s the right thing for the whole family. I mean our house is small, Ella. We were planning on one kid, eventually, and eventually came sooner than we had thought it would. Which was fine, we made do with a lot of hard work. And then Izzy came along, and this time we really weren’t planning on another, but again, we made do. Now it’s just like… I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to take time away from Izzy and Kyle, and I know I wouldn’t be able to give the new baby all that much time either. Then there’s the space issue… We just don’t have anywhere to put a nursery, let alone an office, and if Kyle wants me to work from home, I have to have an office, or I know I just won’t get anything done.”

“Sounds like your mind is made up.”

She shook her head. “No. Not really. I mean I know we can do it. People do it all the time, with less time, less money, less space… And then I look at my kids. Izzy’s pulled herself up and tried to walk last night, and I was just so damn proud of her. She’s so much like me, independent and strong, and trying things out even though the doctor and everyone says she’s too young to be doing things. It makes me wonder… Who is this new baby going to be like? And then there’s Kyle, who’s talking and walking and wants to be just like his Daddy. I can’t picture them not in my life, as stressful as it gets sometimes, as hard as it gets. If they weren’t here… Ella, I don’t know who I’d be. So then I think about the new baby, and I know… It’s going to be like that too. I know I have to keep this baby Ella. But I’m just so worried. I’m so scared I won’t be able to do it. I’m so scared that I’ll end up resenting them for being born, and that’s not fair to them. It’s just such a tough situation to be in, and I feel so alone.”

Toni collapsed into sobs again, and all I could do was pull her into a hug. I didn’t know what to say, and because I had no idea where she was coming from, I knew whatever came out of my mouth would be wrong, and possibly insulting. I didn’t understand why Toni was so stressed, I didn’t know what it was like to be a Mother. I didn’t think it was this hard, like Toni had said, I had see plenty of Mom’s do more with less. But, I knew Toni, and I knew for her to be this upset and this emotional… Well. It had to be hard.

So I just held her while she cried, and promised myself I would be a better friend to her.

FB: Red wine and Ambien, you're talking shit again...

Jacob became the perfect boyfriend. He called me nightly, and talked about everything. Michelle, AA meetings, what he wanted to do when he got out of the Marines. It was the relationship I always wanted us to have. The relationship we had in the beginning. And yet, it wasn’t enough.

While Jacob became the perfect boyfriend, Jason became the non-existent best friend. If I called, his roommate answered, telling me he was in the shower, down the hall, eating, sleeping… He was always gone. The few times I did manage to get him on the line, he was distant. Full of uh-huh’s and yeah’s, distantly there, but I never felt like he was really hearing what I said.

I missed him.

I told him that, one night on the phone. That I missed him so much sometimes…

“How can you miss me?” He had responded. “I’m on the phone with you right now.”

It hurt like a slap in the face. I stopped calling so much after that, but still texted. I knew I needed to cut contact off – Jason wasn’t trying, didn’t seem to care, so why should I? But I couldn’t just walk away. Hearing the emptiness and distance in his voice was too much, as was hearing another weak excuse from his roommate about where Jason was supposedly at now, so texting… Texting worked.

Jason was distancing himself from me, and I was distancing myself from Jacob. Jacob felt the distance, though his mistook it for me being afraid of getting hurt again.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Ella. You have to trust me. I’m trying here.”

“I’m trying too.” I responded softly.

He thought I meant I was trying to trust him. I didn’t tell him that I was trying to make myself love him, and make myself stop loving Jason.

Time sped by. My days were busy, preparing for camp, my nights spent on the phone with Jacob and trying not to think about Jason. Things on the outside seemed pretty normal. On the inside… I just didn’t feel like myself anymore.

I was glad when it was finally time to head out to camp. Being at camp always made me happy, and I welcomed the distraction. I always welcomed having an excuse not to talk to Jacob every night… Cell phone reception at camp was spotty, and the three hour time difference was going to be a huge difference when I was exhausted at the end of a long day. I could tell he was worried about the separation, but he tried to hide it. I appreciated that.

However, camp did not get off to a good start like I thought it would.

The counselor’s headed up to camp the week before the kids got there so that we could set up camp. It was a good time to plan and bond with your co-workers, and I often looked forward to it.

After a long, hot day of hiking and cleaning cabins, the counselors headed down to the pool. Immediately, I saw that my prediction about Bethani and Jeremiah had been correct. Bethani was all over him, and Jeremiah didn’t look like he minded all that much. I know it may seem like it’s none of my business, but summer loves at camp NEVER worked out, and the end result usually ended up hurting the whole camp. It was hard to foster a relationship when you were working all the time, it seemed either you neglected your job or you neglected your relationship. In the end, people seemed to either end up getting fired, or having what was usually a nasty break up.

After the pool, we headed back up to the cabins. While Jessica and a few other counselors were sleeping in the main building for this week, some of the other counselors had opted to sleep in the cabins. My boss asked me to stay down in the cabin area to keep an eye on things. People often thought that since there weren’t any kids around this week that it could be party time. While we could have a good time, there were certain things that weren’t a good idea any time. Last year we had a counselor decide that it would be hilarious for some reason to demonstrate how to turn his spray on deodorant into a flame thrower. One thing we don’t mess with down at camp is fire. The woods are dry, the fire department is far away. A forest fire would be a devastating thing.

“Hey Ella, you wanna bunk with me?” Bethani asked, linking her arm through mine.
I didn’t really want too. But, the Ed and Patrick and some of the other boys had a cabin to themselves, it would be full and hot and probably stink, so I didn’t want to sleep with them. Amanda and Derrick had their own couples cabin, and I also didn’t want to crash there. I could have slept alone, only the woods get really dark and creepy at night, and I didn’t want to spook myself either.

“Sure.” I answered, smiling.

“Is it OK if I crash there too?” Jeremiah asked, smiling that sly smile of his.

I was about to suggest that he bunk with the boys, but Bethani cut me off quickly.

“Sure!” She replied, bumping her hip into his and giggling.

Great.

We turned in early, the day had been long and hot and all I wanted was a nice cold show (the one good thing about camp, it was so hot and dusty you actually WANTED a cold shower, which was good, because the water was hardly EVER warm.) We showered and then I crawled into bed, rolling my eyes when I saw that Bethani and Jeremiah had pushed two beds side by side and were going to sleep next to each other.
I snuggled down, turning my fan on and pulling out my cell phone. I started to text Jason, Jacob, and the boy’s cabin. I was sleepy, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep yet. I hoped the light from my cell phone wouldn’t bother Bethani or Jeremiah.

About five minutes after the lights went out, I heard Bethani and Jeremiah start kissing. I rolled my eyes and felt a pang in my stomach. It almost surprised me to realize that I did, in fact, miss Jacob.

Five minutes after the kissing started, the moaning also started. I cleared my throat, to let them know I was still awake. I thought maybe the light from my cell phone would clue them in, but apparently it didn’t. I could take the kissing noises, but the moaning? Was too personal.

Still, it didn’t stop. In fact, it just got worse. There was rustling, more moaning, sucking noises, and eventually, I heard skin smacking against skin. To say I was disturbed was an understatement. I tried to text the boys, to get them to come over and maybe knock on the door or something to interrupt the couple, I didn’t know what else to do. Should I yell at them? I waited for the guys to come barging in, but after five minutes of waiting, and no text back from them, I figured maybe they had fallen asleep.

That’s when the cabin floor started shaking. Literally, my bunk was moving back and forth. I couldn’t handle it anymore, I flung off my blanket, ducked my head, and ran out of the cabin and up to the program office, which was where we stored things like art supplies and equipment, and it also doubled as the staff lounge.

I sighed, pulling myself up to sit on top of the desk. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to bunk in another cabin. I wondered when it would be safe to go back, or if I was going to be stuck in here all night. My phone vibrated. I wondered if it was Bethani calling me to apologize.

Nope. Text from Jacob. Rather than text him the story back, I opted to call him, especially since I was in the area we called “up the hill” where cell phone reception tended to be better.

“Hey you.” He answered. “I thought you were going to bed?”

“Ha. Plans interrupted.” I said, laughing.

“What happened?”

“That’s wrong… But also kind of hot.” He answered when I finished the story.

“Totally not hot. Really disgusting actually.”

“I mean, c’mon El. They’re in a new place, I bet it’s kinda romantic out there…”

“OK. I get it, the whole taboo, it’s not supposed to happen deal… But, for one, they’ve known each other all of what, a day? I mean sure they’ve met before, but we’ve been in meetings and that kind of stuff, they haven’t had a chance to actually talk or get to know each other. And for two, I don’t really get sex when other people are around. But if that’s your thing, whatever. Still, you try to be discreet about it. You don’t moan and rock the cabin, especially not when you know the person is still awake, texting on their cell phone. Not that anyone would have slept through all the noise they were making…”

He laughed. “You’re adorable when you’re outraged.”

“I’m not outraged. I’m disgusted and I feel… Disrespected.”

“Well. I’m sorry.” He paused for a moment. “I miss you. When are you coming back to see me?”

“When camp is over.”

“How long is that?”

“Eight weeks.” I replied, pulling out a pen and piece of scrap paper from the desk drawer to doodle.

“That’s too long.” He whined. “Make a weekend trip.”

I smiled. “I wish.”

“Why not? Is it the money? I could sponsor another trip.”

“It’s the money and it’s the time. I’m here until Saturday morning, and by then I’m exhausted. If I came up there, all I would want to do is sleep, and then I’d have to turn around and come right back home. I wouldn’t have time to do laundry, go to the store and get anything I needed, plan activities…”

“So skip a few days. You’ve been there long enough, I’m sure your boss would let you.”

I was starting to get annoyed. I’m sure if I asked my boss WOULD let me take off a few days. But, I felt like Jacob was pushing, like he didn’t respect my job or my commitment to it. Had I asked him to take a few days off his job, we all knew what the answer to that would be.

“Jacob, I came to see you last, why can’t you request some leave and come visit me?”

“My therapist is here, my AA meetings, I can’t just leave.”

“I can’t just leave either!” I shot back. “Besides, I’m SURE you’ll be OK without your therapist for a few days, maybe even AA meetings as well. And if not, well, I’m sure we could find you a meeting here. If you want to see me so bad…”

“Speaking of respect Ella, you don’t respect how hard I’ve been trying and how much work I’ve put into this whole thing.”

“Yes I do! But I’ve also been trying too Jacob, and right now you’re not respecting me or my job. I have to be here. You’ve known that this whole time.”

“Yeah, but I just thought that you missed me too, and that you’d want to see me.”
The guilt trips. I hated the guilt trips.

“Again, I do miss you. I do want to see you. But, I can’t. And again, if you miss me, and you want to see me, planes fly in both directions Jake.”

“Whatever. I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

And with that, he hung up, leaving me alone, confused, tired, and angry.

What a great start to camp.