You got my heart and my head’s lost

Toni tried to keep me occupied for the rest of the night. She chattered on about baby names, going online to look at room designs, asking me questions on everything.

My mind couldn’t be distracted though. I thought only of Drew.

“So. He told Nick he wanted to talk?” I asked, peering over Toni’s shoulder to give her my opinion on a nursery.

“Who?” Toni asked, sounding clueless.

“Drew.” I answered, trying to hide my frustration.

“I guess.” She said, shrugging. “I didn’t talk to Drew.”

“I wonder what he wants to talk about.”

She didn’t answer me, instead clicking through the various pictures of nurseries.

“You know, with Kyle and Izzy, we didn’t find out the sexes before they were born. I’m thinking with this one… Maybe we will. I mean it’ll be nice, in the new house, to decorate the nursery specifically for this little guy or girl.” She said, absently rubbing her non-existent baby bump.

“The little bean.” I said, smiling. I was glad Toni seemed to be feeling better bout the whole situation.

“That’s it! We’ll do a nursery rhyme nursery. If it’s a boy, we’ll stick to the boy-ish ones. Hey diddle-diddle, um, that one where the guy made the house out of the pumpkin…. And Jack in the beanstalk of course… Hey, I kind of like the name Jack you know…” She trailed off with a large yawn.

“Tired?” I asked.

“Exhausted. This has been far worse than my other two pregnancies. You don’t mind if I bail on you for a bit and take a nap?”

“No, go ahead. You can sleep in my bed.”

She handed me her laptop, and I went through a few more sites, absently looking at floor colors and paint colors and design ideas. I wanted to help Toni out, I wanted to suggest what kind of cabinets would look best, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Drew. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I did anyway, day dreaming about him coming and sweeping me off my feet, proposing even. I was lost so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t hear the door open.

I jumped when someone touched my shoulder.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you, I called your name a couple times but you didn’t answer.”

“Matt! What are you doing home? I thought you weren’t coming back till Sunday.”

“Changed my mind. It was nice seeing the fam, but it was boring. Plus, things got a little awkward with Kellie.”

“What happened?” I asked, shutting Toni’s laptop.

“Nothing really. I just don’t think we’ll ever be to the friends stage again. So much has happened between us, and it’s so… Hard. You know? Hard not to act like we’re a couple, because that’s all we’re used too.”

“You’ll get over it, in time.”

He shrugged.

“The rest of your visit was OK though? Your Dad and sister and everyone?”

“Yeah, it was fine.” He looked distracted, I wanted to ask him about it, but something held me back.

“Well. Toni’s here. It’s kind of a long story, but Nick and Drew are coming down tomorrow. They may buy that house down the street.”

“You and Drew made up?” He asked, looking at me.

I shook my head. “Uh uh. He said he wants to talk. Like I said, it’s a long story. But Toni’s going to stay here for a few days. She needs some recovery time.”

He nodded. “Well. I better unpack. I think I’m going to head out tonight for a little bit.”

“Alright, well… Be careful.”

Things with Matt had gotten awkward again, and I hated that. I wondered if Matt and I would ever truly just be friends. There was this chemistry between us that I don’t think either one of us could deny, but most of the time would could at least ignore. Still, it popped up from time to time and ruined everything.

Time moved slow. Toni woke up from her nap, and we went to dinner. We rented a movie on the way home, but halfway through, she fell asleep. I tossed and turned all night, a combination of the uncomfortable couch, and because my mind just wouldn’t shut down about Drew.

The next day, Drew and Nick arrived early, although, I didn’t get to see either one of them. Toni had suggested that I sit this one out. I pouted, but knew she was right. It would be really distracting and awkward for Drew and I to be in the same room together, with all that’s between us. Still, it was hard to be left behind.

After about an hour, I heard a knock on the door. I opened it, and there stood Drew.

“Hi.” I said, opening the door and letting him in. He looked good. He was wearing a v-neck sweater with a white tee underneath, and a pair of jeans. He smelled good too. It took everything I had not to reach for him.

“Hi.” He answered, entering the house.

We went into the living room and sat down.

“Oh.” I said, looking over and seeing his gifts. “I got you these… For Christmas. I… Didn’t return them so…” I felt stupid and clumsy.

“Thanks. I, uh, actually got you something too. I just left it in the car. Nick and Toni went out to lunch to talk about things. I think they’re going to buy the house though.”

“Oh. Good.” I was really excited about that, especially since it meant Drew would be right down the street as well, but I just couldn’t muster it up.

“Look, Ella. I have to do this quickly, because if I don’t, I won’t do it. You look really good, by the way.” He babbled. I noticed for the first time how nervous Drew looked.

“OK…” I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

“I was really mad at you. But, then I missed you. I thought, maybe we could work on things. I mean Jason told me how you called him and I really do think it’s over between you too…”

“There’s a but coming, isn’t there?” I asked. I could feel it in the air, waiting to fly out and pop my balloon of hope.

“Yeah.” He said, looking sheepish. “I just. I have a lot going on right now. My Mom… My Mom is dating. Jesus. She’s dating this guy, and he’s younger, and he has kids. His wife died… And she’s just… So nice to these kids. Not that she wasn’t nice to me… It’s just that she mothers them. I don’t know… I’m trying to deal with that and the divorce, and then there’s trusting you… I just don’t think I have it in me right now. If that makes any sense.”

“It doesn’t.” I answered honestly. “I just. I love you Drew. I just want to be with you. Through the good and the bad.”

“I know, but I just feel like… This is something I have to do on my own. And I feel like, maybe we rushed things too. I just want to make sure that when we’re together, it’s right. I’m just not feeling that right now.”

“So what am I supposed to do? Wait for you?” I asked, coming across more angry that I meant too. I was just so disappointed.

“No. Do what you have to do. If it’s right for us to get together… Well, it’ll happen.”

“What if I date Jason?”

Now it was Drew’s turn to be angry. “I thought you said you were over him? Done? If that’s true, why would you want to date him?”

“I don’t. I don’t think. But Jesus Drew, I’m just terrified of messing up again. I want to make sure the rules are all laid out, so I know. So I don’t screw this up again. If you asked me to wait for you, I would. Don’t you know that? I would wait. I messed up, I made a mistake, and I’m so sorry for that. I really am. Do you want me to wait? Do you not want me to date anyone else? Is it OK if I see other people?”

“I can’t control you.” He said, his voice soft.

“I know. I wouldn’t let you, it’s not about control. It’s about knowing what I have to do in order to get what I want. And I want you.”

“I just think…” He sighed. “I think we should let it go. See what happens. So yeah, it’s fine if you date other people. It’s fine even if it’s Jason. I think if we’re supposed to be together, we’ll eventually be together.”

“I just wish it were now.”

“I know Ella. Part of me does too. But, part of me is also glad this happened. I just think things moved pretty quickly… Plus, maybe this was supposed to happen.”

“Maybe.” I said. I didn't think so.