FB: Red wine and Ambien, you're talking shit again...

Jacob became the perfect boyfriend. He called me nightly, and talked about everything. Michelle, AA meetings, what he wanted to do when he got out of the Marines. It was the relationship I always wanted us to have. The relationship we had in the beginning. And yet, it wasn’t enough.

While Jacob became the perfect boyfriend, Jason became the non-existent best friend. If I called, his roommate answered, telling me he was in the shower, down the hall, eating, sleeping… He was always gone. The few times I did manage to get him on the line, he was distant. Full of uh-huh’s and yeah’s, distantly there, but I never felt like he was really hearing what I said.

I missed him.

I told him that, one night on the phone. That I missed him so much sometimes…

“How can you miss me?” He had responded. “I’m on the phone with you right now.”

It hurt like a slap in the face. I stopped calling so much after that, but still texted. I knew I needed to cut contact off – Jason wasn’t trying, didn’t seem to care, so why should I? But I couldn’t just walk away. Hearing the emptiness and distance in his voice was too much, as was hearing another weak excuse from his roommate about where Jason was supposedly at now, so texting… Texting worked.

Jason was distancing himself from me, and I was distancing myself from Jacob. Jacob felt the distance, though his mistook it for me being afraid of getting hurt again.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Ella. You have to trust me. I’m trying here.”

“I’m trying too.” I responded softly.

He thought I meant I was trying to trust him. I didn’t tell him that I was trying to make myself love him, and make myself stop loving Jason.

Time sped by. My days were busy, preparing for camp, my nights spent on the phone with Jacob and trying not to think about Jason. Things on the outside seemed pretty normal. On the inside… I just didn’t feel like myself anymore.

I was glad when it was finally time to head out to camp. Being at camp always made me happy, and I welcomed the distraction. I always welcomed having an excuse not to talk to Jacob every night… Cell phone reception at camp was spotty, and the three hour time difference was going to be a huge difference when I was exhausted at the end of a long day. I could tell he was worried about the separation, but he tried to hide it. I appreciated that.

However, camp did not get off to a good start like I thought it would.

The counselor’s headed up to camp the week before the kids got there so that we could set up camp. It was a good time to plan and bond with your co-workers, and I often looked forward to it.

After a long, hot day of hiking and cleaning cabins, the counselors headed down to the pool. Immediately, I saw that my prediction about Bethani and Jeremiah had been correct. Bethani was all over him, and Jeremiah didn’t look like he minded all that much. I know it may seem like it’s none of my business, but summer loves at camp NEVER worked out, and the end result usually ended up hurting the whole camp. It was hard to foster a relationship when you were working all the time, it seemed either you neglected your job or you neglected your relationship. In the end, people seemed to either end up getting fired, or having what was usually a nasty break up.

After the pool, we headed back up to the cabins. While Jessica and a few other counselors were sleeping in the main building for this week, some of the other counselors had opted to sleep in the cabins. My boss asked me to stay down in the cabin area to keep an eye on things. People often thought that since there weren’t any kids around this week that it could be party time. While we could have a good time, there were certain things that weren’t a good idea any time. Last year we had a counselor decide that it would be hilarious for some reason to demonstrate how to turn his spray on deodorant into a flame thrower. One thing we don’t mess with down at camp is fire. The woods are dry, the fire department is far away. A forest fire would be a devastating thing.

“Hey Ella, you wanna bunk with me?” Bethani asked, linking her arm through mine.
I didn’t really want too. But, the Ed and Patrick and some of the other boys had a cabin to themselves, it would be full and hot and probably stink, so I didn’t want to sleep with them. Amanda and Derrick had their own couples cabin, and I also didn’t want to crash there. I could have slept alone, only the woods get really dark and creepy at night, and I didn’t want to spook myself either.

“Sure.” I answered, smiling.

“Is it OK if I crash there too?” Jeremiah asked, smiling that sly smile of his.

I was about to suggest that he bunk with the boys, but Bethani cut me off quickly.

“Sure!” She replied, bumping her hip into his and giggling.

Great.

We turned in early, the day had been long and hot and all I wanted was a nice cold show (the one good thing about camp, it was so hot and dusty you actually WANTED a cold shower, which was good, because the water was hardly EVER warm.) We showered and then I crawled into bed, rolling my eyes when I saw that Bethani and Jeremiah had pushed two beds side by side and were going to sleep next to each other.
I snuggled down, turning my fan on and pulling out my cell phone. I started to text Jason, Jacob, and the boy’s cabin. I was sleepy, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep yet. I hoped the light from my cell phone wouldn’t bother Bethani or Jeremiah.

About five minutes after the lights went out, I heard Bethani and Jeremiah start kissing. I rolled my eyes and felt a pang in my stomach. It almost surprised me to realize that I did, in fact, miss Jacob.

Five minutes after the kissing started, the moaning also started. I cleared my throat, to let them know I was still awake. I thought maybe the light from my cell phone would clue them in, but apparently it didn’t. I could take the kissing noises, but the moaning? Was too personal.

Still, it didn’t stop. In fact, it just got worse. There was rustling, more moaning, sucking noises, and eventually, I heard skin smacking against skin. To say I was disturbed was an understatement. I tried to text the boys, to get them to come over and maybe knock on the door or something to interrupt the couple, I didn’t know what else to do. Should I yell at them? I waited for the guys to come barging in, but after five minutes of waiting, and no text back from them, I figured maybe they had fallen asleep.

That’s when the cabin floor started shaking. Literally, my bunk was moving back and forth. I couldn’t handle it anymore, I flung off my blanket, ducked my head, and ran out of the cabin and up to the program office, which was where we stored things like art supplies and equipment, and it also doubled as the staff lounge.

I sighed, pulling myself up to sit on top of the desk. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to bunk in another cabin. I wondered when it would be safe to go back, or if I was going to be stuck in here all night. My phone vibrated. I wondered if it was Bethani calling me to apologize.

Nope. Text from Jacob. Rather than text him the story back, I opted to call him, especially since I was in the area we called “up the hill” where cell phone reception tended to be better.

“Hey you.” He answered. “I thought you were going to bed?”

“Ha. Plans interrupted.” I said, laughing.

“What happened?”

“That’s wrong… But also kind of hot.” He answered when I finished the story.

“Totally not hot. Really disgusting actually.”

“I mean, c’mon El. They’re in a new place, I bet it’s kinda romantic out there…”

“OK. I get it, the whole taboo, it’s not supposed to happen deal… But, for one, they’ve known each other all of what, a day? I mean sure they’ve met before, but we’ve been in meetings and that kind of stuff, they haven’t had a chance to actually talk or get to know each other. And for two, I don’t really get sex when other people are around. But if that’s your thing, whatever. Still, you try to be discreet about it. You don’t moan and rock the cabin, especially not when you know the person is still awake, texting on their cell phone. Not that anyone would have slept through all the noise they were making…”

He laughed. “You’re adorable when you’re outraged.”

“I’m not outraged. I’m disgusted and I feel… Disrespected.”

“Well. I’m sorry.” He paused for a moment. “I miss you. When are you coming back to see me?”

“When camp is over.”

“How long is that?”

“Eight weeks.” I replied, pulling out a pen and piece of scrap paper from the desk drawer to doodle.

“That’s too long.” He whined. “Make a weekend trip.”

I smiled. “I wish.”

“Why not? Is it the money? I could sponsor another trip.”

“It’s the money and it’s the time. I’m here until Saturday morning, and by then I’m exhausted. If I came up there, all I would want to do is sleep, and then I’d have to turn around and come right back home. I wouldn’t have time to do laundry, go to the store and get anything I needed, plan activities…”

“So skip a few days. You’ve been there long enough, I’m sure your boss would let you.”

I was starting to get annoyed. I’m sure if I asked my boss WOULD let me take off a few days. But, I felt like Jacob was pushing, like he didn’t respect my job or my commitment to it. Had I asked him to take a few days off his job, we all knew what the answer to that would be.

“Jacob, I came to see you last, why can’t you request some leave and come visit me?”

“My therapist is here, my AA meetings, I can’t just leave.”

“I can’t just leave either!” I shot back. “Besides, I’m SURE you’ll be OK without your therapist for a few days, maybe even AA meetings as well. And if not, well, I’m sure we could find you a meeting here. If you want to see me so bad…”

“Speaking of respect Ella, you don’t respect how hard I’ve been trying and how much work I’ve put into this whole thing.”

“Yes I do! But I’ve also been trying too Jacob, and right now you’re not respecting me or my job. I have to be here. You’ve known that this whole time.”

“Yeah, but I just thought that you missed me too, and that you’d want to see me.”
The guilt trips. I hated the guilt trips.

“Again, I do miss you. I do want to see you. But, I can’t. And again, if you miss me, and you want to see me, planes fly in both directions Jake.”

“Whatever. I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

And with that, he hung up, leaving me alone, confused, tired, and angry.

What a great start to camp.