FB: You never said you were pretending

While camp was usually stressful and tiring for me, it was also a time for me to recharge and unwind a bit. Kind of like exercising, yes it was work, yes it wore me out, but after I was done I often felt more relaxed.

This year, it was not like that at all.

After the sex incident I moved back up to main camp, telling my boss that Ed would keep an eye on everything down there. I didn’t tell them exactly what happened, just that my cell phone service sucked and I wanted to spend these last few days being able to talk to my boyfriend before I was chained to a cabin at night. The thing about camp was, it was a real life Real World. Drama spread fast, relationships always popped up and fizzled, friendships died… We always started the summer wanting to get along, but after being hot and tired for so long… Well, people stopped being polite and started being real. I always tried to stay out of the camp drama though. Sure, it was ALWAYS interesting to hear about or to watch, but drama is never fun while you’re in the middle of it. I didn’t want to start drama by blabbing Bethani and Jeremiah’s business all over camp (although I could argue that had they wanted to keep private matters private, they probably should have… Well, kept their privates private.) Still, Bethani and Jeremiah both started acting like I had been the one to do something wrong. They were polite to my face, but I knew by the way they acted that as soon as I was gone, they were busy talking shit about me.

Amanda told me that Bethani had said she thought I was a prude. Which, I can only guess is because I walked out of their fuck-fest. The thing is, I’m not a prude. I get that different people have different fetishes, and while I don’t understand them all (I once watched a documentary on fetishes. One of them was where people would ride people around like horses. And I mean ride in the literally sense, not in a sexual way. The people-horses would act like horses, and would wear saddles and bits and reins and the whole nine yards. I mean at first I thought it was a weird animal sex fetish, but the riders don’t even have sex with their “horses”. I don’t get it.) I do understand that different things turns different people on. As long as you’re not a pedophile, and everyone involved is consenting, then I don’t really care what you do. While I thought it was a little skeevy that Jeremiah and Bethani had jumped in bed with each other so quickly, I realized things like that happened, and I wasn’t even judging them for that. The thing that upset me is, there were so many other places to do the deed. They weren’t even trying to be quiet about it. I also wondered what they were planning on doing when the kids were there? Would they still have sex with a cabin full of kids?

I wasn’t the only one feuding with Bethani, and at least my feud with her was a silent one. Jessica also had beef with her, and was very vocal about it. Part of it was a beef we all had with Bethani: She was lazy. She would stay up with Jeremiah all night and then try to find a way to sleep all day. One group activity she suggested for her cabin? Meditation. Which sounds really nice. Only when her kids got bored with it and tried to tell her they wanted something else to do, they found out that Bethani was asleep. Her co-counselor ended up doing all of the work, because if it was left up to Bethani, their cabin would sit inside (which was a strict no-no) and do nothing all day except watch Bethani sleep. When Bethani DID decide to do something, it was only to pair up with Jeremiah’s cabin, which, usually resulted in trouble.

The other part of Jessica’s beef with Bethani wasn’t so legitimate. She didn’t like the fact that Bethani was dating her brother. She never really told me why, and I didn’t ask. I liked Jessica, though part of me wondered if maybe she didn’t like Bethani dating Jeremiah because Bethani was white and Jeremiah was black. Jessica didn’t come off as racist to me, but a lot of people who were against interracial relationships didn’t consider themselves to be racist. Still, another part of me wondered if she didn’t want Bethani with Jeremiah just because she didn’t like Bethani. If I had a brother, I don’t think I’d want Bethani dating him either.

So work was filled with drama.

My relationship was filled with drama. After the argument Jacob and I had gotten in, things had shifted. I had called back and apologized, which was my mistake. I think he had done so well because he was afraid of losing me. Since I apologize… I don’t know. It was if that had eased his fears. Some nights he would be great, the Jacob I fell in love with, and I would forget about Jason and have fun. Other nights, it was not so great. He would bring up me coming to visit him again, getting extremely hostile when I once again would refuse.

He said I was picking my job over him, which may have been true, but I could have argued the same about him. I tried to reason with him – I had been the last one to come visit, his only visit to me had gotten cut short (he got REALLY angry at that one, calling me insensitive and hanging up.) I had seen where he worked, he could make the trip out to see my job, maybe get a better understanding as to why it was so important to me.

I ended up breaking up with him again. Toni had her baby, and I had left camp early Friday in order to drive down to be with her and my new Godson. I didn’t leave her house until late Monday, missing two days of camp. Jacob ended up tearing me a new one for that, saying horrible things and accusing me of putting everyone else before him.

“Jacob it’s different!” I yelled back, still trying to reason with him.

“How? How is it different at all? You refused to even consider taking ANY days off to see me, yet here you are, taking two whole days and the weekend to visit her!”

“She just had a baby! I’m his Godmother! Not to mention, she has a place for me to do laundry, I was able to get everything I needed done at her house.” I was trying to be logical. The thing was, logic just couldn’t reach Jacob.

“Are you some kind of lesbians or something? Do you love her more than you love me?” He accused, again, being completely illogical.

I snapped. “I’m done Jacob. D-O-N-E. I’m done with you being totally crazy, I’m done with you being selfish, I’m done with dealing with all your issues. The reason I visited Toni over you is that she appreciates what I do for her. All you want to do is walk all over me, and I am DONE.”

With that I was the one who hung up on him. And I didn’t answer his many calls back to me.

That is, until Jacob got smart and called me on the camp phone. I knew who it was as soon as my boss told me there was a phone call for me. But, I also didn’t want to refuse. Again, camp drama was major, and I didn’t need a bunch of people talking about how I was having issues with my boyfriend.

“Ella, hear me out, OK?” He said when I said hello.

“Uh huh.” I answered as tightly as I could. My boss was hovering nearby. I really wanted to ask Jacob why the fuck he would ever think calling me at work was a good idea.

“I had an emergency meeting with my therapist last night. She thinks I’m being too controlling and demanding over you. She says I failed to assert myself with Michelle, and now I’m trying to overcompensate through you.”

I shuddered. It kind of creeped me out that Jacob might be thinking of Michelle when he was with me.

“Anyway, I’m sorry. I have been a really big jerk, and you really have been really good about… Well. Everything. I know I said it last time, but please, just one more chance Ella. Please.”

“Jacob I can’t really talk about this right now.” I said, trying to keep my voice light, yet firm, hoping he’d get the underlying message to leave me alone.

“Look, I have leave already booked, and my Mom bought me a flight. Just please, pick me up at the Columbus Airport tomorrow.”

I sighed, unable to hide my irritation. My boss glanced up at me.

“I don’t think that’s doable.” I said, again, trying to keep my voice even.

“Well I’m coming. Please, don’t leave me stranded. 2:30, OK?”

“I’ll try.” I answered, feeling myself caving. I really did care for Jacob, but it was just getting ridiculous

“Good, I’ll see you then.” He answered, and without waiting for a reply, he hung up.

I was livid. But I still got my boss to let me go the next morning to go pick Jacob up. I waited for hours. He never showed. That phone call in the office was the last time I ever spoke to him.

I know what you’re worried about. It was the first thought that flashed through my mind too. I wondered if Jacob had just cracked, had enough, and killed himself. I felt awful driving back, panic gripping my throat. When my boss asked me where this mysterious boyfriend was, I felt ashamed, as if I was just pretending to have a boyfriend. I lied, telling him Jacob’s leave had gotten canceled, he had to stay.
I called Jacob over and over again. I heard the endless ringing like I had that night with Michelle. Panic rose in my throat all over again, and I couldn’t hide it. Finally I gave in, and called Jason, sure that Jacob was dead and surprised that Jason hadn’t called yet. Surely he would be the one who wanted to break the news, he was my friend, after all.

“Hello?” He answered. I was too scared to be shocked that he actually picked up.

“What’s going on?” I blurted out.

“What do you mean?” He asked. “Are you OK, you sound weird?”

“What happened to Jacob?”

“What do you mean what happened to him?”

“I mean what happened, Jason?”

“Nothing, I just saw him ten minutes ago. He told me you two had broken up, but he said you were OK with it.”

“He told you he dumped me?” I asked, my fear turning into pure rage.

“Yeah. He was with some girl already. He said you knew though?” Jason said, sounding confused.

“Yeah. Yeah. Well. I guess I knew all along, didn’t I?” I said.