So go on and let the rain pour, I'll be all you need and more

Toni was silent on the car ride home, but I could see out of the corner of my eye that tears had started falling down her face.

“Toni? What’s the matter?” I asked, unsure of how to proceed. Toni was the strong one out of the two of us, a rock. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her break down, and I was completely sure how to handle it.

She shook her head, wiping at her eyes. “Just. Can we wait till we get home? I already feel like an idiot.”

“Yeah.” I answered, not really sure what else to do.

The car ride home was strained and silent, with Toni letting out little sniffles here and there, and me feeling like a giant tool. After what seemed like an insane amount of time, we finally pulled into the driveway. I unbuckled my seat belt and went to leave the car, but Toni grabbed my arm.

“What is it?” I asked, settling back into my seat. I was a little scared, Toni had never acted this… Odd before. “Are you and Nick OK?”

“Yeah. I mean. Kind of. I don’t really know.” She wailed.

“Did he cheat on you?” I asked, feeling outraged. I loved Nick, but I would have no problem killing him.

“NO!” She shouted back. “It’s nothing like that. I mean we are fighting, but it’s…” She trailed off.

“Just tell me Toni!” I shouted, sounding harsher than I meant too.

“I’m pregnant!” She shouted back, and then threw her head into her hands, sobbing into her palms.

I didn’t know what to say. I was confused. I thought pregnancy was a happy thing, especially if your life was set. Toni was married to a great guy, had a house, and two children already. Why was she so upset?

“Toni… Honey, I’m sorry. I don’t get it… Why is that such a horrible thing?”

She looked at me, and then burst into a fresh new set of tears.

“That’s just it! Everyone thinks it’s so fantastic. But I don’t.” She sighed, sniffling. I could tell she was trying to compose herself before she continued. I gave her a moment. She wiped her eyes and breathed in deep, and then she continued.
“My life… It’s just going too fast Ella. I married sooner than I expected because of my Dad, and I don’t regret that really, and then Kyle came along… And I love Kyle, I swear I do, but it was rough, Ella. Trying to work on the house and juggle a baby and a job and a marriage… And then came Izzy. I love Izzy, I love both my kids, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world – but sometimes… Sometimes I feel like I have traded everything for them.” She sighed deeply. “I hate admitting this out loud, I think it makes me sound like a horrible Mother, but Ella, I’m so sick of being last all the time. I’m so tired of being the finder of lost things, the nurse to boo-boo’s, the wiper of butts, the cleaning lady… I feel like I’m just everybody’s everything, all the time, and I feel like I’m losing myself, and I just… I can’t add another one to the mix. I just can’t.”

“Does Nick know? I mean have you talked to him at all?”

“Yeah.” She laughed, shaking her head. “He doesn’t get it. He thinks we have it all. A beautiful house, 2.5 kids, the most wonderful marriage… And I mean we do. I’m lucky, I know that Ella. There are plenty of people who can’t find love, or can’t afford their own house, or can’t have children. They would kill for the life I have, which makes me feel so guilty, because I just feel so trapped.”

“Do you want to leave Nick?” I asked, confused at what she thought the answer was. Wondering if maybe that’s why she came here, because she was leaving Nick.

“No!” She said, sounding stunned and shocked. “I love Nick. It isn’t about that. It’s just so hard to explain. I just feel like everything is going so fast and I just want things to slow down. I want people to realize that yes I’m a Mother, but more importantly I’m Toni. I don’t mind being last sometimes, I don’t mind putting my kids ahead of myself the majority of the time, but I feel like it’s just all the time. And I don’t get credit for it! If I tell Nick I want to take one weekend day to myself, go to the spa, go have a cup of coffee by myself, he just gives me the biggest guilt trip. ‘Why don’t you want me to come? Why can’t you go somewhere where we can all go together.’ And if I tell him the truth – I just want an hour by myself – he acts like I’ve just committed this huge… I don’t know. Like why wouldn’t I want to be with him and the kids?”

“Well… Why don’t you?”

She sighed. “Because I’m with them ALL the time as it is, I mean the only break I get from them is when I’m at work, and then I have a bunch of other people demanding things from me. It doesn’t help that my job is more flexible than Nick’s, so. One of the kids gets sick, guess who’s staying home? One of the kids has a well baby check, guess who takes them? Again, most of the time I don’t mind, but even though my job is flexible, it’s still a job. I still have deadlines and responsibilities, and if the kids get sick when one of those deadlines pop up, I’m the one who has to work double duty to try to get it all done.”

“I mean have you told Nick about this?”

She nodded. “He just doesn’t understand Ella. I think it’s a man thing. I don’t understand how he couldn’t understand. I mean he’s not with the kids all the time. He goes on camping trips every now and then, he doesn’t get called home from work randomly in the middle of the day. And he gets the fun parts. He plays with the kids while I make dinner, he does their story time while I do laundry. I need some help. He says he does help. I don’t see it.”

“So what does he think of the baby?”

“Like I said, he’s excited. Told our nanny, though I asked him not to tell anyone until I decided on what I was going to do. ‘What’s there to decide?’ He said, and went off and told her. Worst part is, she doesn’t want to watch another child either. Kyle and Izzy are quite a handful, Izzy’s getting into everything, and Kyle’s the typical dare-devil boy. So Kyle wants me to stay at home. My company has been handing out stay at home jobs, cutting the time to part time though. He and I got into it big time when I told him I didn’t want too. ‘Why not?’ He said. ‘I would LOVE to stay home all day with the kids.’ He said. Sure, he would love to stay home with the kids. He thinks it’s playing games all day and watching cartoons.”

“Is that when you left?” I asked.

“Yeah. I just had to get away. He just doesn’t get it. I share EVERYTHING with him and the kids. My time, my energy, my mind… And the only thing I really have left to myself is my body, and now they want me to share that too.”

“Have you thought about… Other options?” I asked.

“You mean abortion?” She said, not one to dodge a bullet. “I’ve thought about it. A lot. I mean a very small part of me wants to do it just because I’m so pissed off that Nick is trying to tell me I can’t. But I do realize how immature that is, and that I shouldn’t be forced to choose one way or another, and if I did it just because Nick’s saying no, in a way he’d still be forcing the decision on me. A bigger part of me wants too just because I think maybe it’s the right thing for the whole family. I mean our house is small, Ella. We were planning on one kid, eventually, and eventually came sooner than we had thought it would. Which was fine, we made do with a lot of hard work. And then Izzy came along, and this time we really weren’t planning on another, but again, we made do. Now it’s just like… I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to take time away from Izzy and Kyle, and I know I wouldn’t be able to give the new baby all that much time either. Then there’s the space issue… We just don’t have anywhere to put a nursery, let alone an office, and if Kyle wants me to work from home, I have to have an office, or I know I just won’t get anything done.”

“Sounds like your mind is made up.”

She shook her head. “No. Not really. I mean I know we can do it. People do it all the time, with less time, less money, less space… And then I look at my kids. Izzy’s pulled herself up and tried to walk last night, and I was just so damn proud of her. She’s so much like me, independent and strong, and trying things out even though the doctor and everyone says she’s too young to be doing things. It makes me wonder… Who is this new baby going to be like? And then there’s Kyle, who’s talking and walking and wants to be just like his Daddy. I can’t picture them not in my life, as stressful as it gets sometimes, as hard as it gets. If they weren’t here… Ella, I don’t know who I’d be. So then I think about the new baby, and I know… It’s going to be like that too. I know I have to keep this baby Ella. But I’m just so worried. I’m so scared I won’t be able to do it. I’m so scared that I’ll end up resenting them for being born, and that’s not fair to them. It’s just such a tough situation to be in, and I feel so alone.”

Toni collapsed into sobs again, and all I could do was pull her into a hug. I didn’t know what to say, and because I had no idea where she was coming from, I knew whatever came out of my mouth would be wrong, and possibly insulting. I didn’t understand why Toni was so stressed, I didn’t know what it was like to be a Mother. I didn’t think it was this hard, like Toni had said, I had see plenty of Mom’s do more with less. But, I knew Toni, and I knew for her to be this upset and this emotional… Well. It had to be hard.

So I just held her while she cried, and promised myself I would be a better friend to her.