I need to be with myself and center, clarity, peace, serenity

The morning that Toni left, I got dressed in some crap clothes. I loved my job because most of the time, since I was working with kids, people actually expected you to dress comfortably, or in clothes you didn’t mind getting dirty or messy. Most of the time I still tried to dress work casual, jeans and a button up maybe, and every once in awhile if I had an important meeting or something, I would dress in a suit, but I loved the days where I could go in wearing sweatpants and a hoodie and nobody would think anything about it.

Today was a sweatpants and hoodie type of day. I didn’t even really bother to brush my hair, just pulling it up and tucking it under a baseball cap. I was bummed about Drew, and I just wanted to be comfortable. I also needed to be in work out clothes… The kids got after school lunches from a program called Hunger Alliance. They also came and taught certain nutrition classes with the kids, and Cora, the lady that taught my group, had loved my kids so much that after her time was over with us, she wanted to send us another activity. She had a friend who was a break dancer, and she was having him come to teach a couple classes. The number one way to get kids to participate is to participate yourself. So, while I had typical white-girl-can’t-dance syndrome, I was going to at least try a few things out…. And hope I didn’t hurt myself too badly.

As much as I loved my casual dress code at work, there were days it backfired on me. Such as the time that at the last minute, I got sent to be in a press conference with no notice, and I couldn’t go home to change. I was all over five o’clock news in ratty jeans and a old painted on camp tee shirt.

I didn’t realize today was going to be one of those days where I regretted not looking my best. When I walked in, things were normal as usual. I went to my office, worked on some paperwork. When the kids arrived, I got them lunch, and instead of reading to them while they ate, as usual, I went over what we were doing today, and the rules. After they were done eating, we cleaned up, and then we headed down to the gym to meet with the break dancer.

As soon as I saw him, I was embarrassed about my appearance. The guy? Was probably the most gorgeous person I had ever seen, even compared to celebrities. He was so gorgeous that I stopped in my tracks the second I saw him, causing a massive pile up of kids behind me, as they slammed into me and each other.

“Hi.” He said, rising from the bleachers from where he was sitting. He smiled and easy smile, and I swear my knees gave out a little bit. “You must be Ella?” He asked, extending his hand.

You know in movies, when a guy or girl sees someone so good looking that they can’t even talk around them? I didn’t think it ever happened in real life. But it happened, embarrassingly enough, to me, at that moment. I starred at his hand for longer than I needed to, and slowly, put my hand in his. I couldn’t believe I was actually touching someone this gorgeous.

“I’m Seth.” He said, shaking my hand.

“Hi.” I finally managed.

Luckily, the kids took over, running up to him, asking him his name and what he was going to show them. The kids often didn’t get a lot of attention at home, either because of neglectful parents, or just because their parents HAD to work a lot. Even less likely was attention from a man, so whenever a stranger came in, the kids were all over them, especially if that person was male.

He took over, waving to me over the heads of kids, and I let him. I originally planned on being involved, but I just couldn’t. Being that close to Seth made me brain function wonky.

Instead, I used that time to sit on the bleachers and study him. I balanced my elbow on my knee and put my chin in my hand, gazing out to make sure the kids were listening and behaving, but allowing my eyes to pause on Seth for a moment each time I scanned the room.

He had sandy blonde hair, not super long, but it did kind of wisp across his forehead. His face sported a five o’clock shadow, his facial hair a little bit redder and darker than the hair on his head. He had clear blue eyes, and smiled often, showing off straight white teeth. The only thing not perfect about him was his nose. It was a bit on the larger side, with a bump in the middle, clearly a sign of a break. However, that imperfection made him even more gorgeous, as in some sort of flaw might put him in my league. His pants were on the baggy side, but I could imagine being a dancer must mean that he had muscular legs. When he walked in, he was also wearing a hooded sweatshirt, but after working with the kids for a little bit, he peeled it off, revealing a tight tee that showed off ton arms and a flat stomach. He wasn’t as muscular as Drew, but he was more toned…

Thinking about Drew made my heart pang, and I felt guilty. Drew said I could date other guys, but I didn’t really want too. And now, here I was, going crazy over the first cute guy that crossed my path. Granted, he was the cutest guy I’ve ever met, but still. If I had feelings for Drew, why was I so attracted to other people? I knew that just because you were committed to someone, didn’t mean that you would never find anyone else cute, but for some reason, the whole situation felt wrong. It was just too soon. Then again, I also knew I didn’t have an ice cubes chance in hell with Seth, so what was the harm in looking?

After we were done, the kids begged Seth to come up and see our room. They wanted to show off their artwork. I didn’t know if I loved the fact that he followed them, or hated it. On the one hand, being kind to kids made him even more attractive, but on the other hand… I was nervous, being around him, and felt a little uncomfortable as well.

Slowly, the kids were dismissed, the van riders went downstairs to wait for the van to take them home, and the walkers left. I was expecting Seth to follow them out, but instead he hoisted himself up onto my desk. I didn’t know what to say, and looking at him only made me even more nervous, so I busied myself with cleaning.

“Are you a basketball fan?” He asked.

“Huh?” I responded, very confused and sounding oh-so-intelligent.

“Your hat?”

“Huh?” I repeated.

He laughed. It was an easy laugh, and it didn’t make me feel like I was being laughed at.

“Your hat that you’re wearing. The Wildcats. Are you a fan?”

“Oh!” I exclaimed, touching the baseball cap that I forgot I was wearing. “Well. Kind of.” I paused, and wondered if I should tell him the real reason I was a UK Wildcats fan. I decided I already looked like a big idiot, and it couldn’t possibly get any worse. “To tell you the truth, not really. It’s one of the few sports I don’t mind, but… I became a huge fan when I was a kid. I had a huge crush on Brian from the Backstreet Boys, and he was a huge fan, so…” I trailed off, laughing at how immature I sounded.

“Oh.” He said.

We were both quiet for a moment. I was worried that I had weirded him out, but then, if so, why wouldn’t he just leave?

“I used to play. Basketball that is. I hurt myself in high school, a knee injury. That’s how I got into dancing, oddly enough. I couldn’t play basketball so I joined the musical instead. I loved dancing. I’m still a huge basketball fan, but I don’t play much anymore…”

“I don’t mind basketball. It’s probably the only sport I can watch on TV and keep interest in. Though I prefer the live games. I’m more of a hockey girl. I love watching the players beat the crap out of each other.”

He laughed, a more open laugh. I smiled.

“I’ve never really watched hockey.” He admitted.

“Oh, you have to go to a game sometime. Really, TV doesn’t do it justice.”

“Really?” He asked. I nodded. “Well then.” He said, as he jumped down from my desk. He reached for a piece of paper and a pen on my desk, and scribbled something down. Ripping off the piece of paper, he handed it to me.

“What’s this?” I asked, confused.

“My number. I fully expect you to escort me to my first game. I’ve got to run, I have class in a little bit. But call me and let me know you’re schedule, and I’ll pick up some tickets.” He said, turning and leaving before I could say anything else.

I was stunned, looking at that piece of paper in my hand. I had never had a guy me so direct in asking me out before…. And he was asking me out, right? Or was it just a friendship thing? Which did I even want it to be? It seemed way too soon to go out with anyone after Drew. I felt so panicked I called Toni to get advice.

“Ella! I’m glad you called. We’ll be heading up there Thursday. My doctor recommended someone and they surprisingly were able to get me in right away, so my appointment is Friday. Can you make it?” Toni said as soon as she answered.

“Yeah, I could probably get some time off. Look… I have a problem…” I said, launching into the Seth situation.

When I finished, Toni answered with a laugh.

“What?” I asked, hurt.

“Nothing, Ella. I love you, but you’re kind of neurotic. Honey.”

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“I mean, I hate the fact that you and Drew aren’t together, but I think he’s right. I think you need a little go-with-the-flow time. You’re always plotting and planning and trying to figure out just what is going on. Stop it. You don’t know what Seth’s motives were. It might be a date, it might be a friendship. There’s no way of finding out, other than asking Seth right out, and not only is that going to make you look a little crazy, but… You don’t even know what you want! What if he says it’s a date. What are you doing to say?”

“I…” I started… “I don’t know.”

“Exactly! So why does it matter? Go to the game with him. You like hockey, and he’s paying so why not? You’ll be able to get a better feel of if it’s a date or not, and you’ll be able to get a better feel of what you want it to be. So Ella, just let it go.”

“Why is that so much easier said that done?” I whined.

She laughed. “Because you’re impatient and neurotic sweetie, but it’s why we all love you!”

I was quiet for a moment. “So. When should I call him?”

Whatever Wednesday: I hate the stupid bowl

I guess I'm your stereotypical football hating girl. I really don't like watching most sports, I think they're dumb. Live, it can be a little better. You're there, you're feeling the excitement... But I've just NEVER been able to get into watching the game on TV. Football I have a personal hate for. Back in the olden days, when the "big" game would fall on the last Sunday of the year, it sometimes fell on my birthday. Which meant no one would really pay attention to me, just the game. I hated it.

I spent Super Bowl Sunday grocery shopping, cleaning the house, and sitting at home with my husband and my father in law (my mother in law hates football too, and opted out of coming. So I guess football IS good for something...)

I do have lots of girl-friends who LOVE football. I even have a few guy friends who hate it. What about you ladies, what's the verdict? Do you love it, or hate it?

We got hit with some major snow Friday. It was funny, because they were talking about how it was going to hit. Friday morning, I wake up, and nothing. Just as I was about to put my facebook status as "Where's all this snow we're supposed to get?" I look outside and, well, there it was. I'm assuming some of you guys got hit as well, it was a pretty big storm. I got Cayden dressed to go outside for a minute (and someone already yelled at me because he wasn't wearing a hat and mittens. I know that's bad, but we really were outside for like 5 minutes, if that. And he doesn't keep a hat OR mittens on. He's pretty much like Houdini and can get them off.) Here's some pictures (with the new camera, by the way!):




You can see here he's standing next to a snowman I made that was almost his size. I really wanted to make it his size, but I wasn't wearing gloves either, and my hands were freezing!





Here he's standing in a snow bank. It was mid afternoon, had only been snowing for maybe two hours? Already up to his knees, and didn't really let up until the next day.



Here are some Super Bowl photos:



Excuse the mess, this was the house before I cleaned. We won that chair at Dave and Busters. Jeremy was more excited than Cayden I think!



I love this picture so much. It looks like he and Tater are conspiring.




Cayden says go Saints! (and looks as excited about the Stupid bowl as Mommy is.)





I love this face!





Cayden stole Daddy's phone and Grandpa called him on it. He was talking up a storm and looking REALLY serious



The Erwin Boys!


I went down by the river to take some pictures with Cayden, thinking that even though it was cold, he'd enjoy time outside. WRONG. Not a happy camper. Turns out, snow is cold, and my son is not a fan of cold:










And back at home:







What else? A few cosmetics about the blog: I know someone requested that I put the swagbucks widget back up. I attempted too, but it is too big for this layout, and it comes over and blocks the text. I can't figure out if there's a way to shrink it or not, so for now, it's just not going up, which is a bummer, because I really loved the widget. Sorry guys.

Secondly, I added a donation button to the side. Some of you guys around Christmas mentioned that I should do it, so I did. Don't feel like you have too, but if you want too, I'm certainly not going to stop you. Please though, don't let the word donation fool you - it's not going to any cause other than mine. I was going to add a "buy" button instead, but then I had to enter the amounts people had to choose, and this way, if people want to give me money for what I do, they can pick the amount based on what they can afford. I hope that doesn't make me sound greedy, or like I think I'm owed anything. I hate talking about money and gifts, I get uncomfortable like I come off forward or whatever. But yeah, that's the reason.

If you're broke like we are, and can't give money, but still want to help me out, feel free to sign up for swagbucks. I've talked about swagbucks before, but I know I have some new people who may have missed it. Swagbucks is a search engine, like google (and pretty good, it's powered by google and ask.com) Sometimes when you search, you'll randomly win bucks that you can use in their store (you can win one buck, up to I think 500, though the most I've ever gotten was a 3 buck) You can also earn bucks in different ways (they have a shop and earn section. They have links to a bunch of online stores, and if you shop through their link, you earn swagbucks for so much money you spend. They also have a "special" offers section, they have different offers from people like gamefly, netflicks, and if you sign up through them, you also get bucks.) They also have code hunts, they occasionally give you codes... And last but not least, you can earn codes through referrals (this is the fastest way to earn, I will admit) If you sign up using my code, for every swag buck you will, I'll win (up to 100 swag bucks) The prizes are really good. I've gotten a TON of amazon giftcards (at least 50 dollars worth, probably more) as well as 2 25 dollar gift cards to restaurants.com. They have various prizes, clothes to charity donations (a little while ago you could donate you bucks to Haiti and they'd donate real money.) So, if you'd like to sign up, please check it out and sign up under me. I use the Amazon cards to surprise my husband with gifts for his birthday/our anniversary (so I don't have to ask him for money!) Anyway, here's the sign up link:


Another website you guys should check out, especially for those of you looking to lose weight like I am, is this one: http://www.pfpchallenge.com/ It's the pound for pound challenge, for every pound you pledge to lose, the Biggest Loser will donate a pound of food to your local food bank. I pledged 50 lbs. It seems like a lot, but guess what? I'm down 20 lbs already from the month of January and this first week of Feb. So If I lose 10 lbs a month, I should hit it. Even if you only need to lose 5 lbs, pledge the weight. It'll still give 5 lbs of food to a family who doesn't have anything!

Last but not least, I think I mentioned we're looking to get a new car with our tax money. Can I just say, I hate car shopping? It's not even because of the salesmen. All the ones we've talked to have been really nice, and not the least bit pushy.

It's just really frustrating. For one, everyone says they can get us financed. And then they can't. And it's a LOT of work, going out to these places, usually lugging Cayden with us, test driving something, really liking it, only to find out we can't get financed. I've told my husband I just want to check our credit before we go out, and if we can get financed, we'll go look at it. But the dealer's always say "Oh we can finance you! We can finance anyway! Just come in." Now I get it, they want us in there so they can wheel and deal and if they can't get us the car we want, maybe they can get us something else. But it's such a hassle.

Not to mention, I hate filling out credit apps and having to put down homemaker, or unemployed or whatever little option they have for stay at home Mom. It feels almost degrading. I don't know. Like Toni, I kind of struggle with being a Mom sometimes. I love my son more than anything, and it's not really mothering that I have an issue with, but how people view mothering. They just don't get how hard it is. And I mean, sure, it does have it's perks. I get to stay at home on days where it's crappy outside. Or, on days where it's nice, I can take my son outside and enjoy the day. I can watch TV, but on whatever websites I want. I get to see my son grow and change. But there are many downsides. Like the fact that nobody seems to recognize it as an actual job. I can't call in sick. I'm on call 24-7. Because I'm home all the time, even when my husband's home, my son usually wants me.

The thing about it is, raising a child isn't that hard. Housework also isn't that hard. It has it's moments, but I would put it on par with other jobs. But doing the two together? Trying to fold the laundry while your child is trying to play in the laundry basket? Trying to pick up toys while your child just pulls them back out again? Trying to cook dinner while making sure your kid isn't pulling the eggs out and smashing them on the rug? Each job I do takes twice as long.

And then it makes me even more frustrated when my husband does little things... Like we keep our dog and cat food in these locking bins. But he either never remembers to put the tops back on, or he doesn't lock them. And then my son goes in, and gets into them, either throwing dog food everywhere, or eating it. Or my personal favorite, half eating it, and then throwing gooey gobs of dog food up (which stains!) And he acts like he's such a big deal when he has to do two jobs at once (like cook lunch and watch Cayden.) That's what I do all day! And he definately didn't realize why I was so upset Monday... He and I meet at the gym when he gets off work. But he ALWAYS forgets his gym stuff, so that means I not only have to get my stuff together, and get Cayden and I ready to go, but also his stuff. And it means that I have to lug a gym bag in while carrying Cayden. Well, on top of all that, last night he didn't show up! He got stuck at work, which just threw our whole plans off. True, it wasn't his fault, but he didn't understand why I was so frustrated. Not only did I lug his crap in, but I had to lug it back out. And while my son loves his daycare, he's such a Mama's boy that he cries when I drop him off and when I pick him up (I watched him from the window, the second I leave? He's fine and happy and plays. He's just a little attached.) So not only had I totally busted my ass working out, but then I had to take my stuff, my husband's stuff, and my screaming baby back out to the car. And on top of that, my husband wanted me to go pick up my sister by myself, with Cayden. Keeping a screaming baby in the car longer, and taking him by myself to Wal-mart as well.

I mean people just don't think. And I'm sure it doesn't sound like a lot, but add on the fact that by this time in the day, I am VERY tired. It's like when I was pregnant, I LOVED carrying Cayden. I loved feeling him move, and knowing that I got to know him before anyone else. But I wished for ONE day when my husband could carry him, so he could see how tired I was, how it felt to be so swollen, the round ligament pain, the general uncomfortable-ness.

I want ONE day where non-stay at home momes have to stay home.

I honestly think the only people in the world who have it worse off (job wise) is the working primary caregiver.

The thing that sucks most about car loans and being a stay at home Mom? I could probably get a car loan on my own. My husband's credit is horrible, but I have no credit. And while that's often worse... There are a few places that have a first time car buyer's program. Only since I have no income of my own, I can't be on a loan on my own.

So. THat's my rant. It went on way longer than I wanted it too, but I feel better now :-)

The path that I'm walking I must go alone...

Drew left shortly thereafter. We were just sitting in the living room, with nothing left to say. I thought about what Matt said, about how awkward things were with Kellie. I wondered if it was going to be like that with Drew. Sure, we hadn’t been technically together for as long as they had, but still. How to go back to being just friends, when I didn’t understand why he was doing it? If he forgave me, then why didn’t he want to get back together with me.

When Toni finally came back, she was excited.

“I know it seems impossible, but I think we’re going to be able to close on the house REALLY soon. We’ll be moving at the end of the month! Nick’s company was so excited about him moving that they gave him an allowance and it’s just amazing! Drew’s going to crash in what will be the nursery until the attic is done. He’s not going to get a job until the big stuff is done, like the attic and the nursery. It’s all falling together, El. I’m so excited, it’s going to take a lot of work but…” She trailed off.

I tried to smile. I was excited that she’d be done the street, I was excited the kids would be closer, I was excited that she was excited and not so bummed out. I was not looking forward to how weird it was going to be with Drew down the street.

“Oh Ella, I forgot to ask, how did things go with Drew?”

Again, I tried to smile. But I felt the tears fill up my eyes, and just shook my head.

“Oh honey, what did he say?” She asked, sitting down next to me.

“I don’t know. Just that he was thinking we could work it out, and then he started talking about his Mom and all this stuff he was going through with her, and how he didn’t think he was ready. I’m so confused, I don’t get it.”

“He told you about his Mom?” Toni asked. The surprise in her voice made me look up at her.

“Yeah…. Why?” Confused as to why this matters.

“Nick says he won’t talk about it. I’m just surprised he mentioned it to you, is all.”

“He didn’t say much… What’s going on?” I asked.

Toni looked away. “I don’t think it’s really my place…”

“C’mon Toni. Maybe it’ll help me understand better.” I said, pleading with her.

She sighed. “I don’t know much. Like I said, Nick says he won’t talk about it. But you know about the divorce right?”

“How his Mom pretty much woke up one day and decided she was done being sad?”

“Pretty much.” Toni said.

Drew used to have a younger siblings, twins. They were in a car accident. Everyone made it, except for the twins. Every since then, both of his parents have been a little… Checked out. I guess it hurt too much for them to be around kids, even if that child was their own. So, they pretty much left Drew alone. I mean they took care of him, cooked for him, made sure he did his homework and all that. But emotionally they were just gone.

“Well. Turns out, she met someone. This guy. All I know is what Drew told us when he was drunk, which I don’t even know how true it is, or if it was just drunken babbling. This guy is pretty young, with two younger kids. Apparently, ever since she met this guy, she’s just changed. She’s still not there for Drew, but Drew saw her with the kids. She’s world’s greatest Mom. Drew’s REALLY struggling with that, and it’s all internal, because you know his family doesn’t talk. His Dad seems to know something’s up, but he’s just so hurt as well. I mean he’s trying to be there for Drew more, but again, I don’t think he knows how. And Drew’s Dad is kind of really hurt himself. I mean all of a sudden his wife is leaving him, his son is moving out of state. He’s left all alone with nothing. I think Drew worries about that as well. I don’t know, I think there’s more to it, but I think he’s just feeling… Very conflicted.”

“My issue is, he just seemed like he didn’t care. Like it was easy for him to do this.”

Toni shook her head. “I don’t think it was like that at all. I think he knows, you’re the only one for him. And I think he’s terrified that if he gets with you now, with so much going on in his life, that HE’S going to mess something up. I think he knows that no matter what YOU do, he’ll always forgive you, but he’s not so sure that you’ll forgive him.”

“But I will…”

“Hon, you have to understand, it doesn’t seem like that to him. I mean whether you meant too or not, it seems to him that you’ve always picked Jason over him. You’ve always been his Jason. He sees himself waiting forever for you, but sees him as your number two, if that makes any sense.”

“Oh God, I come off that way?” I asked, embarrassed.

“Not to me. I mean yeah you’ve wasted WAY too much time on Jason. But I think maybe now you’ve finally learned your lesson. You’re just a little slower than the rest of us.” She said, smiling at me.

“Shut up.” I said, pushing her slightly. “So what do I do?”

“Honestly El? I think you should just leave this one alone. I do think you and Drew were meant to be together. You just have some stuff to go through first. I think you should just let whatever happens, happen.”

“That’s what he said.” I answered, biting a nail. “I can’t help but think it’s way easier said than done.

“Well, yeah. But it’ll make it that much more worth it when he does happen.”

We switched subjects and started talking more about the house. The Morrow’s, who owned it, actually were asking a pretty low price for the house. They were older, had raised a large family there, and were moving to Florida, where they were inheriting a condo. They just wanted to be gone, most of their things were sold or already boxed up to be shipped to Florida… Still, Mrs. Morrow had an attachment to the house. I think the fact that it was going to another large family really made her come down on the asking price. Toni joked that Mrs. Morrow probably would have given her the house had Mr. Morrow let her.

Not only that, but since they knew the house was pretty much sold, they were leaving, and we willing to allow Toni to come in and start re-modeling. It really was an ideal situation, and I was almost jealous of how well it was all working out for her.

“I have a question for you, though…” Toni said, after she finished explaining. Her voice was hesitant.

“Yes?”

“I just wondered… And you can say no… But… I was thinking of coming down here early with Drew to help work on the house… Drew’s planning on just staying over there, but I’ll have the kids with me, and I don’t know with all the remodeling, if it’ll be safe for them, so… I was wondering if I could stay here?”

“I would love to have you and the kids Toni, but I don’t know where to put you.”

“Upstairs. I mean I know it gets cold, but we have those space heaters, and they’re the safe kind too… I mean if the answer’s no, it’s OK. I just, really want to get settled here. I mean I planned on maybe looking for an OBGYN here, that way I don’t have to switch…”

“I mean if you think you guys will be comfortable, I think we can make do until the end of the month at least. I’ll have to check with Matt, but I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.”

“Oooh, I’m so excited! I’m going to call my OBGYN on Monday and see if I can get any recommendations on a new one. Will you go to my appointment with me?”

“Don’t you want Nick to do that?”

She waved me off. “The first one they go to every appointment. The second one, every couple appointments. I’m sure this one he’ll just make it for the important parts. You know, the ultrasounds, the heartbeat. The first one there’ll probably be an ultrasound, but other than that, it’s pretty routine.”

“Wow. OK then.” I said, taking a deep breath in.

It’s crazy, how quickly your life can change in a big way. I had a feeling these next few weeks were going to be very hectic, but also a much needed distraction.

Toni actually changed her mind about when to go home. She left early Monday morning, while I was on my way to work. She wanted to start packing, she was excited to really get going. I promised her that after work I’d go upstairs and try to clear out some space. My upstairs was huge, a game room that hardly got used. Toni was planning on sleeping with Kyle on the pull out couch. They were packing up Izzy’s crib, and she would sleep there. Matt had agreed to the whole plan, I think a little relieved to have someone else in the house with us.

“What’s going on with you two anyway?” Toni asked, after we had discussed the plan with him.

“What do you mean?”

“You could cut the sexual tension with a condom, it’s so thick.” She joked.

I rolled my eyes but refused to answer. I didn’t want to delve into that subject. Matt was a dangerous topic. I didn’t know how I felt about him, nor did I know how I WANTED to feel.

Everything was super complicated, and I couldn't handle much more.

I'm an idiot

I finally got the scheduling feature to work on the blogger, and that's how I've been posting. It's much easier for me to post them when I get done writing them, and not having to worry about actually having to manually do it (especially since mornings can be a little bit hectic for me.)

Well, it seems that I scheduled two postings to post on the same day. So. I'm not sure if you'll get a post tomorrow. I have one written, but I was planning on that being Thursday's post. Not that it matters, I was just super excited about being ahead. So.... It all depends on how much I get done today. Sorry guys!

You got my heart and my head’s lost

Toni tried to keep me occupied for the rest of the night. She chattered on about baby names, going online to look at room designs, asking me questions on everything.

My mind couldn’t be distracted though. I thought only of Drew.

“So. He told Nick he wanted to talk?” I asked, peering over Toni’s shoulder to give her my opinion on a nursery.

“Who?” Toni asked, sounding clueless.

“Drew.” I answered, trying to hide my frustration.

“I guess.” She said, shrugging. “I didn’t talk to Drew.”

“I wonder what he wants to talk about.”

She didn’t answer me, instead clicking through the various pictures of nurseries.

“You know, with Kyle and Izzy, we didn’t find out the sexes before they were born. I’m thinking with this one… Maybe we will. I mean it’ll be nice, in the new house, to decorate the nursery specifically for this little guy or girl.” She said, absently rubbing her non-existent baby bump.

“The little bean.” I said, smiling. I was glad Toni seemed to be feeling better bout the whole situation.

“That’s it! We’ll do a nursery rhyme nursery. If it’s a boy, we’ll stick to the boy-ish ones. Hey diddle-diddle, um, that one where the guy made the house out of the pumpkin…. And Jack in the beanstalk of course… Hey, I kind of like the name Jack you know…” She trailed off with a large yawn.

“Tired?” I asked.

“Exhausted. This has been far worse than my other two pregnancies. You don’t mind if I bail on you for a bit and take a nap?”

“No, go ahead. You can sleep in my bed.”

She handed me her laptop, and I went through a few more sites, absently looking at floor colors and paint colors and design ideas. I wanted to help Toni out, I wanted to suggest what kind of cabinets would look best, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Drew. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I did anyway, day dreaming about him coming and sweeping me off my feet, proposing even. I was lost so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t hear the door open.

I jumped when someone touched my shoulder.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you, I called your name a couple times but you didn’t answer.”

“Matt! What are you doing home? I thought you weren’t coming back till Sunday.”

“Changed my mind. It was nice seeing the fam, but it was boring. Plus, things got a little awkward with Kellie.”

“What happened?” I asked, shutting Toni’s laptop.

“Nothing really. I just don’t think we’ll ever be to the friends stage again. So much has happened between us, and it’s so… Hard. You know? Hard not to act like we’re a couple, because that’s all we’re used too.”

“You’ll get over it, in time.”

He shrugged.

“The rest of your visit was OK though? Your Dad and sister and everyone?”

“Yeah, it was fine.” He looked distracted, I wanted to ask him about it, but something held me back.

“Well. Toni’s here. It’s kind of a long story, but Nick and Drew are coming down tomorrow. They may buy that house down the street.”

“You and Drew made up?” He asked, looking at me.

I shook my head. “Uh uh. He said he wants to talk. Like I said, it’s a long story. But Toni’s going to stay here for a few days. She needs some recovery time.”

He nodded. “Well. I better unpack. I think I’m going to head out tonight for a little bit.”

“Alright, well… Be careful.”

Things with Matt had gotten awkward again, and I hated that. I wondered if Matt and I would ever truly just be friends. There was this chemistry between us that I don’t think either one of us could deny, but most of the time would could at least ignore. Still, it popped up from time to time and ruined everything.

Time moved slow. Toni woke up from her nap, and we went to dinner. We rented a movie on the way home, but halfway through, she fell asleep. I tossed and turned all night, a combination of the uncomfortable couch, and because my mind just wouldn’t shut down about Drew.

The next day, Drew and Nick arrived early, although, I didn’t get to see either one of them. Toni had suggested that I sit this one out. I pouted, but knew she was right. It would be really distracting and awkward for Drew and I to be in the same room together, with all that’s between us. Still, it was hard to be left behind.

After about an hour, I heard a knock on the door. I opened it, and there stood Drew.

“Hi.” I said, opening the door and letting him in. He looked good. He was wearing a v-neck sweater with a white tee underneath, and a pair of jeans. He smelled good too. It took everything I had not to reach for him.

“Hi.” He answered, entering the house.

We went into the living room and sat down.

“Oh.” I said, looking over and seeing his gifts. “I got you these… For Christmas. I… Didn’t return them so…” I felt stupid and clumsy.

“Thanks. I, uh, actually got you something too. I just left it in the car. Nick and Toni went out to lunch to talk about things. I think they’re going to buy the house though.”

“Oh. Good.” I was really excited about that, especially since it meant Drew would be right down the street as well, but I just couldn’t muster it up.

“Look, Ella. I have to do this quickly, because if I don’t, I won’t do it. You look really good, by the way.” He babbled. I noticed for the first time how nervous Drew looked.

“OK…” I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

“I was really mad at you. But, then I missed you. I thought, maybe we could work on things. I mean Jason told me how you called him and I really do think it’s over between you too…”

“There’s a but coming, isn’t there?” I asked. I could feel it in the air, waiting to fly out and pop my balloon of hope.

“Yeah.” He said, looking sheepish. “I just. I have a lot going on right now. My Mom… My Mom is dating. Jesus. She’s dating this guy, and he’s younger, and he has kids. His wife died… And she’s just… So nice to these kids. Not that she wasn’t nice to me… It’s just that she mothers them. I don’t know… I’m trying to deal with that and the divorce, and then there’s trusting you… I just don’t think I have it in me right now. If that makes any sense.”

“It doesn’t.” I answered honestly. “I just. I love you Drew. I just want to be with you. Through the good and the bad.”

“I know, but I just feel like… This is something I have to do on my own. And I feel like, maybe we rushed things too. I just want to make sure that when we’re together, it’s right. I’m just not feeling that right now.”

“So what am I supposed to do? Wait for you?” I asked, coming across more angry that I meant too. I was just so disappointed.

“No. Do what you have to do. If it’s right for us to get together… Well, it’ll happen.”

“What if I date Jason?”

Now it was Drew’s turn to be angry. “I thought you said you were over him? Done? If that’s true, why would you want to date him?”

“I don’t. I don’t think. But Jesus Drew, I’m just terrified of messing up again. I want to make sure the rules are all laid out, so I know. So I don’t screw this up again. If you asked me to wait for you, I would. Don’t you know that? I would wait. I messed up, I made a mistake, and I’m so sorry for that. I really am. Do you want me to wait? Do you not want me to date anyone else? Is it OK if I see other people?”

“I can’t control you.” He said, his voice soft.

“I know. I wouldn’t let you, it’s not about control. It’s about knowing what I have to do in order to get what I want. And I want you.”

“I just think…” He sighed. “I think we should let it go. See what happens. So yeah, it’s fine if you date other people. It’s fine even if it’s Jason. I think if we’re supposed to be together, we’ll eventually be together.”

“I just wish it were now.”

“I know Ella. Part of me does too. But, part of me is also glad this happened. I just think things moved pretty quickly… Plus, maybe this was supposed to happen.”

“Maybe.” I said. I didn't think so.

FB: Now here I am trying to make sense of it all We were best friends now we don't even talk

Jacob breaking up with me wasn’t even the “highlight” in what will forever be known as the worst summer of my life. The next week I ended up getting tore a new one, not only from a parent of one of my campers, but also by my boss.

The situation was so ridiculous that had I not been so upset about the whole thing, I probably would have laughed until I cried. Bethani and I were teamed up that week, of course, and we had a little girl in our cabin who was more reserved than the other girls. I tried all my tricks to bring her out, giving her one on one time, teaming her up with a camper who had been there before… Nothing worked. At the end of the week – Friday night, our last day there – the shy-girl randomly walked up to another girl in the cabin and smacked her in the face.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. I hadn’t known that all week long the girls had been picking on this other girl. I hadn’t seen anything, and nobody mentioned anything to be. The shy-girl’s Mom was upset that her daughter was being picked on, and blamed me for it. The girl admitted that I had tried to talk to her and be nice to her, and also admitted that she had told me nothing about what was going on. Her Mom even admitted that of course her daughter didn’t tell me, that would mean that she was a rat, she also said point blank that the girls probably didn’t let on they were picking on her.

I was stunned. What exactly did she want me to do then? I had tried to draw the girl out of her shell. I had tried to help her make friends. I’m not a mind reader, and I honestly have a zero tolerance for bullying (I always told the girls, they don’t have to like everyone, but there’s no reason to be mean to someone either. It makes no sense, wasting your energy picking on someone you don’t like, and risking getting into trouble over them.) She was totally chewing me out for not stopping something that she admits that I had no clue what was going on. She didn’t even accuse me of not close enough attention!

My boss, who hated to look bad, decided to make an example of me. Bethani, of course, had bailed out on the meeting, leaving early. That didn’t matter anyway, I was a senior counselor and I should have known better. By the end of the meeting, I was in tears, which made me even more embarrassed, to cry in front of my boss and other co-workers. At this point though, I was just so stressed out and pissed off. I was angry at so many different people, Jacob for dumping me without even telling me, Bethani for bailing and letting me take all the blame, my boss for not realizing how stupid the situation was and sticking up for me. I busted my ass all summer, and even before that, to help him get ready for camp, and he had no problem letting me take the fall for something that wasn’t my fault. I was even pissed at Jason, because he hadn’t been in touch like he used to.

I went home that weekend and seriously considered not showing back up on Monday morning. I went home that weekend, ignoring everyone’s phone calls. I was sulking, and I knew it, but I didn’t care. I was in such a bad mood, I didn’t think I’d ever get out of it.

I did go back to work. I had too. I knew I was having a tough summer, but I did love my job. Besides, quitting would put me in a much bigger predicament.

Still, I was relieved when the summer was over, but I didn’t really realize what it meant. I was happy to not have to work with Bethani anymore, and to be able to stay home and recharge, but all I did was think about Jacob.

I knew breaking up was the best for us. I realized that things had changed, I didn’t have the same feelings for Jacob anymore, and he had issues that I couldn’t fix. I just couldn’t figure out why he did what he did. Was he lying the whole time? Pretending to care for me when he really didn’t? I hadn’t thought he was that type of guy, but did I really know him at all?

I was angry, and confused. I wanted answers, but I had no idea how to get them. I hadn’t called him since the day I was supposed to pick him up from the airport. What was the point? I had called him a million times that day, so worried that something had happened. He hadn’t answered, nor had he called me back. I sat down at the computer, trying to write him an email… But…

For one, I didn’t want him to know how upset I was over this. Part of me didn’t want him to get the wrong idea, I was fine with the fact we had broken up, but I was so pissed off at how he had stood me up. The other part of it was pure pride. He was going around telling everyone that he had dumped me. I didn’t want him to know that ticked me off as well.

I also had no idea what to say. Everything I wrote sounded so angry… I was angry, but mainly I just wanted answers. Did he ever care about me? When did he stop? Why wasn’t he honest?

I thought the summer couldn’t get any worse, but just like in cliché horror movies, once you utter the words “it can’t get any worse than this” it always does.

I was hoping to end the summer on a high note with a trip to Indiana for Kyle’s baptism. I was going to stay for a few days, relaxing and getting to know the tiny human that was my new God-son. I was a little nervous, I knew Jason would be there, but I was also hoping that maybe we could reconnect a little, get our old friendship back.

That hope soared when I arrived and Kayla wasn’t with Jason.

“Where’s your girlie friend?” I asked, trying to sound casual. I couldn’t help holding out hope that they had broken up again.

“Her friend’s parents actually paid for her to go on a cruise with them. Nice, huh?”

“Yeah.” I answered, disappointed and a little jealous.

“But, actually, I was kinda glad she’s gone. I mean, I miss her, I’d like to see her, but I feel like you and I don’t get to spend any time together. You’ve been busy with camp and all… I feel like I’ve missed out on some stuff.”

I beamed. “Yeah, well, you know how it goes. Busy me.”

“Uh huh.” He said, patting the seat next to him on the sofa. I sat down. “What’s been going on?” He asked.

“Not much. Glad summers over.” I answered, smiling.

“Really? Usually it’s your favorite thing.” He said, looking surprised. “What happened?”

“Summer was just a mess this year. Work was really stressful, I got chewed out, and then the whole Jacob situation.”

“Yeah. I was wondering what happened with Jacob? It seemed so… Sudden.”

I shrugged. “We’ve been having… Issues… For awhile. He didn’t deal well with me working, he wanted me to come out and see him. He flipped when I left to go visit Toni when she had the baby, and I had told him I had enough.” I hesitated, wondering if I should tell him the whole thing. “The thing is… The reason I called you that day… Well. I had broken up with Jacob a few days before. And he had called me, begging me to take him back, saying he was flying out to work things out… I went to pick him up, and he just wasn’t there. I thought something bad had happened… Like he had hurt himself or maybe got into an accident. I had no idea he was with someone else. He never told me.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?” Jason said, looking surprised.

“I don’t know Jason… You seemed so distant, and to tell you the truth, I was kind of embarrassed. I mean, I didn’t have any idea any of this was going on. Which just makes me wonder how long he’s been lying to me.”

Jason shook his head. “I don’t know Ella. Geez, I’m sorry. If I had known… Well, I would have never introduced you to him.”

“It’s not your fault. I mean, I don’t think he was always like this… I think Michelle doing what she did made him have a break down. I just kept waiting for the old Jacob to come back… And I think maybe he’s gone for good.”

We were both quiet for a moment, thinking our own thoughts.

“What about you? What have you been up too?” I asked, realizing that I really had clue what Jason had been doing these last few months.

He smiled a shy smile. “Well. That’s kinda why I came home. I mean there was the new baby and everything… But, I sort of have some news…”

“What kind of news?” I asked cautiously.

“Well. There’s good news, and then there’s bad news. Which do you want first?”

“Bad news.” I always took the bad before the good, because then I had the good to look forward too.

“Well. I’m leaving. They’re deploying me again…”

“Oh Jason.” I said, trying not to cry. This really was the worst summer ever.

“It’s OK. I’ll be fine.” He said, throwing his arm around me and pulling me in for a side-to-side hug.

“You say that, but you don’t know.” I said, looking down.

“Well hey,” he said, after a moment, “you don’t even know what my good news is.”

“What?” I asked, sniffling.

“Well…” He looked nervous. “I’ve decided… I just think… With the deployment.” He stumbled over his words, and then laughed. “Man, this is crazy. I decided with the deployment that I’ve wasted too much time, ya know? And. Well. I’m going to ask Kayla to marry me. It’ll be a long engagement… We won’t do it before I leave or anything…”

I didn’t hear him after that. My world fell silent. It was over, and nothing would ever top this, the worst summer ever.

No it don't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good

Toni pulled herself together quicker than I would have. But, that didn’t shock me. It was Toni after all, the rock.

She wiped her face, sniffling, and looked up at me.

“Geez Ella. I’m sorry. I’m being such a baby. It’s not really a big deal.”

“I think it is Toni. I mean, maybe not to me, but I also have no idea where you’re coming from. But, I mean… If you’re this upset… Well, you don’t get this upset often, and I’ve never seen you get this upset over nothing, so something must be wrong.”

She sighed. “You’ve heard of dog-tired, right?”

“Yeah.” I answered.

“I’m Mom-tired.” She said, smiling.

I rolled my eyes and smiled. “Maybe you just need a little break.”

“That’s why I’m here.” She replied.

“Well. How long do I have your for?” I asked, opening the door and getting out of the car. Toni followed suit.

“I don’t know. Not long, probably. Nick’s Mom is helping him with the kids, but his sister is actually about to pop any day now, so she’ll have her hands full with the new grandchild. Which sucks for us, as well. I mean I’m excited that our kids are finally getting cousins, it’s just that Nick’s Mom’s been a huge help…”

We entered the house and were greeted by Cumulus. I went to let him outside while I grabbed plates to eat our lunch on. I hadn’t been hungry, but now I was starving.

“You know Toni… Have you thought at all about moving? I mean you say your house is too small…”

“We’ve toyed with it. I love the house, and we worked really hard to make it what we wanted. The market was holding me back from saying anything, since I didn’t think we could get anywhere near what it was worth. But it’s weird, because someone just told us that if we wanted to sell to let them know, that they were interested…”

“Why don’t you guys move here?” I said slowly. I was kind of afraid of Toni’s answer, I didn’t know if I was overstepping any boundaries.

“Move here?” She asked.

“Yeah. I mean. I could help out some more. You said awhile ago that Nick’s company wanted to transfer him here, to get that promotion. You just stayed for your job. I know you don’t want to be a stay at home Mom, but… If Nick got that promotion, you wouldn’t have to work. I’m not saying stay at home all the time. Maybe you could get a nanny to help a few days a week and be able to go do something for you, you could write that book you always wanted too, or volunteer more like you want… And I’d be in town. I could baby-sit more and some days probably even take the kids with me into work.”

“We could buy a bigger house… Maybe I could even get a part time job, just to help out…” Toni mumbled. I knew she was mainly talking to herself, trying to work it out in her head.

“Look, it seems like this is something you should do. You’re so stressed about the size of your house. Nick’s Mom’s not going to be able to help as much, Nick’s job wants to transfer him, you have someone interested in your house… Who is that by the way?”

“Drew’s Dad, believe it or not. He picked Drew up when he got drunk at our house, and he saw the house. Since he’s splitting from Drew’s Mom, he’s looking for his own place. He loves our house.”

“Well, see, it’s all working out. Even better, there’s a house down the street which the owner’s are putting up for sale soon.”

Toni was quiet for a moment. “It definitely deserve some serious consideration… But Ella, no offense, I’m not going to move here just for you. And while I’ll take a look at the house down the street, I’m not going to buy it just because it’s close to you.”

“I know.” I said. Normally my feelings would have been hurt by the bluntness, but that was just how Toni was, laying it all out on the line. “But, I really do think it’s your style. I’ll call over there and see if we can go over and take a look.”

“OK, but I’ll still have to talk to Nick about it.”

“Oooh, I’m so excited!” I said, getting up to call the neighbor.

We ate lunch and then headed over to check out the house. The neighborhood was really quite perfect. The streets were lined with streets, the houses set far enough apart that you felt like you had your privacy, but close enough together so that you still felt like neighbors. My house was the smallest on the street, but all the houses, mine included had huge front and back yards. This house in particular was massive. It had an attic and a basement, and then the main and upper floors. The basement was finished, perfect for a game room or family room. The main floor had a giant living room, a nice sized kitchen with a breakfast nook, a formal dining room, and then another room which could have been an office, play room, formal living room, den… Whatever. There was also a bathroom and a laundry room, which also served as the entrance to the attached garage. The upstairs held four big bedrooms. The master had it’s own bathroom, and then there was another bathroom off the hallway. The attic was pretty unimpressive. It was just stuffed full of junk, but a good area for storage.

Toni was quiet as she was looking through the house. I could tell she was looking for a reason to say no. I knew she wanted to live close to me, but again, didn’t want to settle on a house just because it was close to me. I think Toni was really looking for their forever home, she always had a dream of raising her kids in the same house, especially since she was bounced around so much as a kid.
“It needs some work.” She said when we left the house.

“What are you talking about? That house is perfect for you guys and you know it! And there’s so much more room to expand if you need too. You could put a bedroom downstairs in the basement, even refinish the attic and have one there, and you still have that extra room on the main floor for a bedroom.”

“How many kids do you think I’m gonna pop out anyway? I don’t need that many bedrooms!” She exclaimed, laughing.

“Yeah. Right.” I said sarcastically. “Because your plans have worked out SO well for you.” I looked pointedly at her stomach. She laughed and pushed me.

“Anyway.” She started. “The house has good bones. I do think it’ll be a good fit for us. BUT, it still needs work. That wall paper has got to go. I would like to replace the floors, the kitchen needs updated, the bathroom could use a lift… I’d like to redo the attic and turn it into a guest room…” She trailed off. “I’ll call Nick. Maybe he can come down tomorrow and take a look at it.”

I knew when she said that, that she really wanted the house. Toni was logical, and she tended to think things through. Normally she would have wanted a few days to think things over, but trying to get Nick down here so quickly… Especially when she was angry at him? She may not have been showing it, but I knew she was excited over the house, and feeling better now that she had a plan in place.

The thing too, is even though she was saying the house needed work, I knew it was only things she WANTED to have done. The house was in perfect live in condition, she just wanted to change things up to make it her own.

Toni went into my bedroom to call Nick when we got back home. I left her alone, taking Cumulus on a long walk. When I got back, she was off the phone, sitting on the couch with her laptop out.

“What’s going on?” I asked, unleashing Cumulus. “Work everything out?”

“He’s coming up tomorrow to look at the house. If he likes it, I’m going to email my boss and see if we can work out my working part time from here for awhile, emailing in assignments and stuff. Nick called Drew’s Dad and we talked about it with him, he was serious about buying the house, so.. Again, as long as Nick likes the house, and the offer of that promotion is still there…”

“Yes!” I said, jumping up and down. “I’m finally going to have friends in town!”

“There’s a couple of things Ella… Drew was there when I called. He wants to come take a look at the house with Nick and I… When he thought he was moving down here, he agreed to let his friend sub-lease his place, so… Well, he had no place to go. He’s been wanting to move down here, and well… We could use the help…”

“Are you saying he may move in with you? Like, down the street from me?” I asked, not sure how I feel about it.

“Yeah. He would help Nick repair the house, we could get it done a lot faster with two of them. He told Nick he wanted to talk to you too. But, there’s something that’s been bugging me… Earlier, when I said you should give Jason another chance? I shouldn’t have said that. I was upset, and I was regretting a lot of things… It’s just. Ella everything happens for a reason. You and Jason didn’t work out, and what I said… I was wrong. If you go for Jason, you’ll lose Drew, and I think that’s what you’re going to end up regretting the most. I mean sure, you’re always going to wonder what might have been with Jason, but… I think you just need to call that water under the bridge.”

I was quiet for a moment. I will admit when she told me I should try with Jason, I had been considering calling him again.

“Yeah.” I finally answered. “I think you’re right.”