I need to be with myself and center, clarity, peace, serenity

The morning that Toni left, I got dressed in some crap clothes. I loved my job because most of the time, since I was working with kids, people actually expected you to dress comfortably, or in clothes you didn’t mind getting dirty or messy. Most of the time I still tried to dress work casual, jeans and a button up maybe, and every once in awhile if I had an important meeting or something, I would dress in a suit, but I loved the days where I could go in wearing sweatpants and a hoodie and nobody would think anything about it.

Today was a sweatpants and hoodie type of day. I didn’t even really bother to brush my hair, just pulling it up and tucking it under a baseball cap. I was bummed about Drew, and I just wanted to be comfortable. I also needed to be in work out clothes… The kids got after school lunches from a program called Hunger Alliance. They also came and taught certain nutrition classes with the kids, and Cora, the lady that taught my group, had loved my kids so much that after her time was over with us, she wanted to send us another activity. She had a friend who was a break dancer, and she was having him come to teach a couple classes. The number one way to get kids to participate is to participate yourself. So, while I had typical white-girl-can’t-dance syndrome, I was going to at least try a few things out…. And hope I didn’t hurt myself too badly.

As much as I loved my casual dress code at work, there were days it backfired on me. Such as the time that at the last minute, I got sent to be in a press conference with no notice, and I couldn’t go home to change. I was all over five o’clock news in ratty jeans and a old painted on camp tee shirt.

I didn’t realize today was going to be one of those days where I regretted not looking my best. When I walked in, things were normal as usual. I went to my office, worked on some paperwork. When the kids arrived, I got them lunch, and instead of reading to them while they ate, as usual, I went over what we were doing today, and the rules. After they were done eating, we cleaned up, and then we headed down to the gym to meet with the break dancer.

As soon as I saw him, I was embarrassed about my appearance. The guy? Was probably the most gorgeous person I had ever seen, even compared to celebrities. He was so gorgeous that I stopped in my tracks the second I saw him, causing a massive pile up of kids behind me, as they slammed into me and each other.

“Hi.” He said, rising from the bleachers from where he was sitting. He smiled and easy smile, and I swear my knees gave out a little bit. “You must be Ella?” He asked, extending his hand.

You know in movies, when a guy or girl sees someone so good looking that they can’t even talk around them? I didn’t think it ever happened in real life. But it happened, embarrassingly enough, to me, at that moment. I starred at his hand for longer than I needed to, and slowly, put my hand in his. I couldn’t believe I was actually touching someone this gorgeous.

“I’m Seth.” He said, shaking my hand.

“Hi.” I finally managed.

Luckily, the kids took over, running up to him, asking him his name and what he was going to show them. The kids often didn’t get a lot of attention at home, either because of neglectful parents, or just because their parents HAD to work a lot. Even less likely was attention from a man, so whenever a stranger came in, the kids were all over them, especially if that person was male.

He took over, waving to me over the heads of kids, and I let him. I originally planned on being involved, but I just couldn’t. Being that close to Seth made me brain function wonky.

Instead, I used that time to sit on the bleachers and study him. I balanced my elbow on my knee and put my chin in my hand, gazing out to make sure the kids were listening and behaving, but allowing my eyes to pause on Seth for a moment each time I scanned the room.

He had sandy blonde hair, not super long, but it did kind of wisp across his forehead. His face sported a five o’clock shadow, his facial hair a little bit redder and darker than the hair on his head. He had clear blue eyes, and smiled often, showing off straight white teeth. The only thing not perfect about him was his nose. It was a bit on the larger side, with a bump in the middle, clearly a sign of a break. However, that imperfection made him even more gorgeous, as in some sort of flaw might put him in my league. His pants were on the baggy side, but I could imagine being a dancer must mean that he had muscular legs. When he walked in, he was also wearing a hooded sweatshirt, but after working with the kids for a little bit, he peeled it off, revealing a tight tee that showed off ton arms and a flat stomach. He wasn’t as muscular as Drew, but he was more toned…

Thinking about Drew made my heart pang, and I felt guilty. Drew said I could date other guys, but I didn’t really want too. And now, here I was, going crazy over the first cute guy that crossed my path. Granted, he was the cutest guy I’ve ever met, but still. If I had feelings for Drew, why was I so attracted to other people? I knew that just because you were committed to someone, didn’t mean that you would never find anyone else cute, but for some reason, the whole situation felt wrong. It was just too soon. Then again, I also knew I didn’t have an ice cubes chance in hell with Seth, so what was the harm in looking?

After we were done, the kids begged Seth to come up and see our room. They wanted to show off their artwork. I didn’t know if I loved the fact that he followed them, or hated it. On the one hand, being kind to kids made him even more attractive, but on the other hand… I was nervous, being around him, and felt a little uncomfortable as well.

Slowly, the kids were dismissed, the van riders went downstairs to wait for the van to take them home, and the walkers left. I was expecting Seth to follow them out, but instead he hoisted himself up onto my desk. I didn’t know what to say, and looking at him only made me even more nervous, so I busied myself with cleaning.

“Are you a basketball fan?” He asked.

“Huh?” I responded, very confused and sounding oh-so-intelligent.

“Your hat?”

“Huh?” I repeated.

He laughed. It was an easy laugh, and it didn’t make me feel like I was being laughed at.

“Your hat that you’re wearing. The Wildcats. Are you a fan?”

“Oh!” I exclaimed, touching the baseball cap that I forgot I was wearing. “Well. Kind of.” I paused, and wondered if I should tell him the real reason I was a UK Wildcats fan. I decided I already looked like a big idiot, and it couldn’t possibly get any worse. “To tell you the truth, not really. It’s one of the few sports I don’t mind, but… I became a huge fan when I was a kid. I had a huge crush on Brian from the Backstreet Boys, and he was a huge fan, so…” I trailed off, laughing at how immature I sounded.

“Oh.” He said.

We were both quiet for a moment. I was worried that I had weirded him out, but then, if so, why wouldn’t he just leave?

“I used to play. Basketball that is. I hurt myself in high school, a knee injury. That’s how I got into dancing, oddly enough. I couldn’t play basketball so I joined the musical instead. I loved dancing. I’m still a huge basketball fan, but I don’t play much anymore…”

“I don’t mind basketball. It’s probably the only sport I can watch on TV and keep interest in. Though I prefer the live games. I’m more of a hockey girl. I love watching the players beat the crap out of each other.”

He laughed, a more open laugh. I smiled.

“I’ve never really watched hockey.” He admitted.

“Oh, you have to go to a game sometime. Really, TV doesn’t do it justice.”

“Really?” He asked. I nodded. “Well then.” He said, as he jumped down from my desk. He reached for a piece of paper and a pen on my desk, and scribbled something down. Ripping off the piece of paper, he handed it to me.

“What’s this?” I asked, confused.

“My number. I fully expect you to escort me to my first game. I’ve got to run, I have class in a little bit. But call me and let me know you’re schedule, and I’ll pick up some tickets.” He said, turning and leaving before I could say anything else.

I was stunned, looking at that piece of paper in my hand. I had never had a guy me so direct in asking me out before…. And he was asking me out, right? Or was it just a friendship thing? Which did I even want it to be? It seemed way too soon to go out with anyone after Drew. I felt so panicked I called Toni to get advice.

“Ella! I’m glad you called. We’ll be heading up there Thursday. My doctor recommended someone and they surprisingly were able to get me in right away, so my appointment is Friday. Can you make it?” Toni said as soon as she answered.

“Yeah, I could probably get some time off. Look… I have a problem…” I said, launching into the Seth situation.

When I finished, Toni answered with a laugh.

“What?” I asked, hurt.

“Nothing, Ella. I love you, but you’re kind of neurotic. Honey.”

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“I mean, I hate the fact that you and Drew aren’t together, but I think he’s right. I think you need a little go-with-the-flow time. You’re always plotting and planning and trying to figure out just what is going on. Stop it. You don’t know what Seth’s motives were. It might be a date, it might be a friendship. There’s no way of finding out, other than asking Seth right out, and not only is that going to make you look a little crazy, but… You don’t even know what you want! What if he says it’s a date. What are you doing to say?”

“I…” I started… “I don’t know.”

“Exactly! So why does it matter? Go to the game with him. You like hockey, and he’s paying so why not? You’ll be able to get a better feel of if it’s a date or not, and you’ll be able to get a better feel of what you want it to be. So Ella, just let it go.”

“Why is that so much easier said that done?” I whined.

She laughed. “Because you’re impatient and neurotic sweetie, but it’s why we all love you!”

I was quiet for a moment. “So. When should I call him?”