The path that I'm walking I must go alone...

Drew left shortly thereafter. We were just sitting in the living room, with nothing left to say. I thought about what Matt said, about how awkward things were with Kellie. I wondered if it was going to be like that with Drew. Sure, we hadn’t been technically together for as long as they had, but still. How to go back to being just friends, when I didn’t understand why he was doing it? If he forgave me, then why didn’t he want to get back together with me.

When Toni finally came back, she was excited.

“I know it seems impossible, but I think we’re going to be able to close on the house REALLY soon. We’ll be moving at the end of the month! Nick’s company was so excited about him moving that they gave him an allowance and it’s just amazing! Drew’s going to crash in what will be the nursery until the attic is done. He’s not going to get a job until the big stuff is done, like the attic and the nursery. It’s all falling together, El. I’m so excited, it’s going to take a lot of work but…” She trailed off.

I tried to smile. I was excited that she’d be done the street, I was excited the kids would be closer, I was excited that she was excited and not so bummed out. I was not looking forward to how weird it was going to be with Drew down the street.

“Oh Ella, I forgot to ask, how did things go with Drew?”

Again, I tried to smile. But I felt the tears fill up my eyes, and just shook my head.

“Oh honey, what did he say?” She asked, sitting down next to me.

“I don’t know. Just that he was thinking we could work it out, and then he started talking about his Mom and all this stuff he was going through with her, and how he didn’t think he was ready. I’m so confused, I don’t get it.”

“He told you about his Mom?” Toni asked. The surprise in her voice made me look up at her.

“Yeah…. Why?” Confused as to why this matters.

“Nick says he won’t talk about it. I’m just surprised he mentioned it to you, is all.”

“He didn’t say much… What’s going on?” I asked.

Toni looked away. “I don’t think it’s really my place…”

“C’mon Toni. Maybe it’ll help me understand better.” I said, pleading with her.

She sighed. “I don’t know much. Like I said, Nick says he won’t talk about it. But you know about the divorce right?”

“How his Mom pretty much woke up one day and decided she was done being sad?”

“Pretty much.” Toni said.

Drew used to have a younger siblings, twins. They were in a car accident. Everyone made it, except for the twins. Every since then, both of his parents have been a little… Checked out. I guess it hurt too much for them to be around kids, even if that child was their own. So, they pretty much left Drew alone. I mean they took care of him, cooked for him, made sure he did his homework and all that. But emotionally they were just gone.

“Well. Turns out, she met someone. This guy. All I know is what Drew told us when he was drunk, which I don’t even know how true it is, or if it was just drunken babbling. This guy is pretty young, with two younger kids. Apparently, ever since she met this guy, she’s just changed. She’s still not there for Drew, but Drew saw her with the kids. She’s world’s greatest Mom. Drew’s REALLY struggling with that, and it’s all internal, because you know his family doesn’t talk. His Dad seems to know something’s up, but he’s just so hurt as well. I mean he’s trying to be there for Drew more, but again, I don’t think he knows how. And Drew’s Dad is kind of really hurt himself. I mean all of a sudden his wife is leaving him, his son is moving out of state. He’s left all alone with nothing. I think Drew worries about that as well. I don’t know, I think there’s more to it, but I think he’s just feeling… Very conflicted.”

“My issue is, he just seemed like he didn’t care. Like it was easy for him to do this.”

Toni shook her head. “I don’t think it was like that at all. I think he knows, you’re the only one for him. And I think he’s terrified that if he gets with you now, with so much going on in his life, that HE’S going to mess something up. I think he knows that no matter what YOU do, he’ll always forgive you, but he’s not so sure that you’ll forgive him.”

“But I will…”

“Hon, you have to understand, it doesn’t seem like that to him. I mean whether you meant too or not, it seems to him that you’ve always picked Jason over him. You’ve always been his Jason. He sees himself waiting forever for you, but sees him as your number two, if that makes any sense.”

“Oh God, I come off that way?” I asked, embarrassed.

“Not to me. I mean yeah you’ve wasted WAY too much time on Jason. But I think maybe now you’ve finally learned your lesson. You’re just a little slower than the rest of us.” She said, smiling at me.

“Shut up.” I said, pushing her slightly. “So what do I do?”

“Honestly El? I think you should just leave this one alone. I do think you and Drew were meant to be together. You just have some stuff to go through first. I think you should just let whatever happens, happen.”

“That’s what he said.” I answered, biting a nail. “I can’t help but think it’s way easier said than done.

“Well, yeah. But it’ll make it that much more worth it when he does happen.”

We switched subjects and started talking more about the house. The Morrow’s, who owned it, actually were asking a pretty low price for the house. They were older, had raised a large family there, and were moving to Florida, where they were inheriting a condo. They just wanted to be gone, most of their things were sold or already boxed up to be shipped to Florida… Still, Mrs. Morrow had an attachment to the house. I think the fact that it was going to another large family really made her come down on the asking price. Toni joked that Mrs. Morrow probably would have given her the house had Mr. Morrow let her.

Not only that, but since they knew the house was pretty much sold, they were leaving, and we willing to allow Toni to come in and start re-modeling. It really was an ideal situation, and I was almost jealous of how well it was all working out for her.

“I have a question for you, though…” Toni said, after she finished explaining. Her voice was hesitant.

“Yes?”

“I just wondered… And you can say no… But… I was thinking of coming down here early with Drew to help work on the house… Drew’s planning on just staying over there, but I’ll have the kids with me, and I don’t know with all the remodeling, if it’ll be safe for them, so… I was wondering if I could stay here?”

“I would love to have you and the kids Toni, but I don’t know where to put you.”

“Upstairs. I mean I know it gets cold, but we have those space heaters, and they’re the safe kind too… I mean if the answer’s no, it’s OK. I just, really want to get settled here. I mean I planned on maybe looking for an OBGYN here, that way I don’t have to switch…”

“I mean if you think you guys will be comfortable, I think we can make do until the end of the month at least. I’ll have to check with Matt, but I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.”

“Oooh, I’m so excited! I’m going to call my OBGYN on Monday and see if I can get any recommendations on a new one. Will you go to my appointment with me?”

“Don’t you want Nick to do that?”

She waved me off. “The first one they go to every appointment. The second one, every couple appointments. I’m sure this one he’ll just make it for the important parts. You know, the ultrasounds, the heartbeat. The first one there’ll probably be an ultrasound, but other than that, it’s pretty routine.”

“Wow. OK then.” I said, taking a deep breath in.

It’s crazy, how quickly your life can change in a big way. I had a feeling these next few weeks were going to be very hectic, but also a much needed distraction.

Toni actually changed her mind about when to go home. She left early Monday morning, while I was on my way to work. She wanted to start packing, she was excited to really get going. I promised her that after work I’d go upstairs and try to clear out some space. My upstairs was huge, a game room that hardly got used. Toni was planning on sleeping with Kyle on the pull out couch. They were packing up Izzy’s crib, and she would sleep there. Matt had agreed to the whole plan, I think a little relieved to have someone else in the house with us.

“What’s going on with you two anyway?” Toni asked, after we had discussed the plan with him.

“What do you mean?”

“You could cut the sexual tension with a condom, it’s so thick.” She joked.

I rolled my eyes but refused to answer. I didn’t want to delve into that subject. Matt was a dangerous topic. I didn’t know how I felt about him, nor did I know how I WANTED to feel.

Everything was super complicated, and I couldn't handle much more.