When there's no one else to love keep me in mind

----Just to let you guys know, I posted an extra post on Thursday, so if you didn't catch it, scroll down a little before you read this one----

I woke up the next morning with an aching head. I tried to roll over, but felt heavy. For a moment I panicked, feeling weighed down, and then I looked down to see Matt’s arm tossed across me.

“Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit.” I mumbled to myself. I almost had to laugh, this was ridiculous. I hid my face behind my hands and tried to figure out exactly how I had gotten here. It was that moment that Matt chose to wake up.

I peeked out from behind my hands, watching him stretch and roll over on his side. He propped his head on his arm, looking down on me.

“Hey.” He said, his voice thick with sleep.
“Hi.” I said, moving my hand from my eyes down to my mouth.
He reach forward and brushed a stray piece of hair off my face, I turned, feeling insanely guilty.
“I’m sorry.” He said. “I feel like this is all my fault.”
I shook my head. “It’s not really anybody’s fault.”
“But I knew you were upset, and I should have stayed sober…” He trailed off. “Are you mad?”
“I’m mad at myself.” I answered honestly.
“Why?”
“I just did it again. What I always do. I can’t stand to be alone, so I run to the first person who’s going to show me any sort of interest. And I mean, that’s why Drew left me in the first place. He felt like he was a runner up, and I can’t blame him, because I keep doing crap like this.”
“I can see what you mean Ella, but I also don’t think it’s fair for any guy to assume you’ll just wait for him. If he wanted to be with you, he’d be with you.”

The honesty of the statement shocked me, mainly because I knew he was right, in a way. If Drew wanted to be with me, he would have broken up with his girlfriend. But he chose her over me. The end. However, I disagreed with the fact that by abstaining from a relationship it meant that I was waiting for him. It merely meant that I was taking time to get over him, which I guess I had never really done with any relationship I had been in. I just kind of went from one guy to another, and then always seemed to end up back in the same place.

“I just think I need some time, before I move on.” I said, avoiding Matt’s eyes.
“I’m sorry if it seemed like I pushed you.” He said, reaching for my hand.
“Again, it just happened. Nobodys fault.” A few choice images flashed in my mind, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Besides, it was fun.”
“Fun, huh?” He said, raising his eyebrows at me.
“Yeah… Why?”
“Oh, I would have used different words.”
“Like?” I prompted, wondering if I even wanted to know.
“Hot. Sexy. Pretty fucking fantastic.”
“That’s three words.” I pointed out, with a smirk on my face.
“Smartass.” He mumbled.

That’s what started a pillow fight, which ended up in a tickle fight, which ended up with Matt pinning me down, his face inches from mine.

I know, I know, I’m an idiot. But I leaned up and kissed him, and he kissed me back. I couldn’t help it. Matt and I always had this crazy chemistry – purely physical. At least I thought it was physical. It certainly felt very physical.

We didn’t have sex again. But, we did have a pretty hot and heavy make out session. When it ended, I felt even worse than I have before, because this time I couldn’t even blame it on the alcohol. That had been one hundred percent me.

When I finally managed to pull myself away from Matt, I flopped on my back, groaning.

“I can’t apologize for that one. You started it. Though I can’t say I tried to stop you.” He said.
“I know. I can’t help it. Do you feel that? I mean from the moment I met you Matt, I felt a spark. It’s dangerous.”
“But fun.” He said, inching towards me.
“Uh uh.” I said, putting a hand on his still bare chest. “I can’t do this, I have feelings for Drew.”
“I know that. But who’s to say we can’t have fun, Ella?”
“You said that. And I said it too. Do you not remember the whole conversation we had about friends with benefits? How it always ends horribly?”
“It does for other people. But we do have the chemistry. That’s all it is, Ella. A physical connection. Not emotional.” He was sliding his hands over my hips now.
“You just say that because you want to get in my pants.”
“Well, a little bit, yeah. But I also wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. I mean if anything, it may just help you out. You said you jump from relationship to relationship so you don’t have to be lonely. I can make it so you’re not lonely. And nobody has to know. It can be just between us.”

I just shook my head. I didn’t trust myself to speak, because I really wanted to say yes. The sex and the making out was mind blowing, but I also really believed what I said when people in friends with benefit relationships just wind up hurt. Not to mention, I knew if it ever got back to Drew, it would kill any chances I had of getting back together with him – and I wasn’t even sure I had any chances left to begin with. If things went south with Matt, I’d also lose our friendship.

“Well, fine. But if you change you change your mind, the offer stands.” He said.

I glanced at him, from the corner of my eye, wondering if he was mad. He caught me, and winked.

“But now I feel like I should buy you dinner. So get up, let’s go.” He said.

We headed over to Red Door Tavern, a place I didn’t visit a lot because while the food was amazing, the service sucked. Walking in, it took me a moment to let my eyes adjust to the dark bar, but then they did. As I searched for a place for us to sit, my eyes fell on the couple in the corner. Drew. With a girl. His new girl.

At first I thought this was something planned by Matt, as he had been the one to suggest the restaurant. Maybe he knew Drew was coming here and decided to use it as a ploy to try to get me to agree to the whole friends with benefits thing. Matt didn’t seem that sneaky, but I don’t know. But, I knew by the look on his face when he caught what I was looking at, he had no idea that they were going to be there.

“You wanna go somewhere else?” He asked.
I couldn’t answer him. I was too busy staring at her. I couldn’t stop myself, I tried to tear my eyes away, and I just couldn’t. The thing about her, and I realize how shallow and horrible this makes me sound, but she wasn’t even that pretty. Her mouth was slightly too large for her face, and her hair was frizzy. And, while she wasn’t anywhere near fat, she wasn’t really all that skinny either. I know looks don’t really matter all that much, and I have met some beautiful girls who are very ugly where it does matter, but it was a blow to the ego, none the less. Drew not only picked another girl over me, he picked an ugly girl over me.

I was about to tell Matt that maybe we should move it somewhere else, when the girl glanced over, perking up.

“Hey Matt!” She said waving “C’mon over and join us!”

New post below since you guys asked for it and I had it done :-) Just don't kill me if there's not a post done on Monday - I'm going to try to get another one out, but I have a concert tonight (Yay Zac Brown Band!) and then we have my sister's bridal shower on Sunday that I'll be spending all weekend getting ready for.

Get me off of this I need confidence in myself....

Home. That’s the first word that popped into my head as I was kissing Drew. It felt like home, and I realized, just like home… Other guys were nice to visit, but I always wanted to come back here. All of a sudden though, I felt Drew’s hands on my shoulders, gently breaking away.

“Ella…” He said, but I couldn’t let him finish.
“I’m sorry Drew. I wish I had better words than that, but I don’t. I’m sorry for every time I ever hurt you, I’m sorry I didn’t realize this all sooner, I’m just so sorry. I’ll say it a million times if you just forgive me. You have to forgive me.”
“I do forgive you Ella.” His voice and his face softening. “You weren’t the only one to blame…”
“So?” I asked, looking up at him, feeling so much hope well inside me that I felt like maybe I would burst.
“I’m seeing someone Ella.”

And just like that, I felt myself burst. Or, maybe not burst, maybe deflate was a better word. The hope rushed out of me, and I stumbled back onto the bed.

“I’m sorry.” He said. And I felt guilty at how sorry he sounded.
“No.” I said waving a hand. “Not your fault at all.”

I didn’t really didn’t know what to say next. I had a million questions – did it feel like that when you kissed her? Was she prettier than me? Do you love her? – But I realized none of them were really appropriate.

“I love you.” I said, plainly. I hadn’t expected to say it, but hearing the words come out of my mouth, I wasn’t surprised, only surprised that it took me so long to say.
“I’m sorry.” He repeated. He stood there for an awkward beat longer, and then turned to go.

I wanted to stop him, but really, what could I do? Cry? I already felt embarrassed by being that open with him, but at least I could say I had fought for him. There was a thin line between fighting for your man and becoming a sobbing mess at his feet.

I wished, for the millionth time, for a rewind button. I wanted a do-over, and I was going to do it right.
Then a glint caught my eye. The light from my window was shining on the silver picture frame that housed Chloe and my picture. I walked over to it, picked it up, feeling it’s weight in my hand.

Had I gotten a do-over with Jason, I never would have fallen for Drew. And falling for Drew… Felt right. Felt like something I should have experienced. And had I not messed things up with Drew, I never would have dated Seth, who I did love… And I never would have met Chloe. The thought of Chloe squeezed my heart, and I let the pain wash over me, until the waves eased. I wondered if the pain was worth it – had I never met her, I never would have known to miss her. But, I also wouldn’t have had the many great memories I had of her. I’d take the pain. She was worth it.

So really, hadn’t everything happened the way it was supposed too? Even if it sucked right now… It had sucked before and gotten better. I could dwell all I wanted to on the way things COULD have happened, but it still wouldn’t change anything. They happened this way. This was where I was at. Like it or not, this was where I was supposed to be.

I went downstairs, where I was greeted to Matt lounging on my sofa, one long arm draped over the back, his long legs stretched out in front of him, and Cumulus jumping all over me. That’s the thing about dogs, you could be having the shittiest time ever, and when you see how happy they are to see you, you have to get happy too. Dogs appreciate you like nobody else in the world does. As I realized this, I took Cumulus’ oversized head in my hands and kissed his huge forehead. Then I buried my face in his fur and gave him a long hug. He seemed to sense that I needed this, because he calmed and held still, letting me hold him until I let go.

“How was your trip?” Matt asked, watching me with careful eyes.
“Fine. And stop looking at me like I’m suicidal. I’m fine, Matt.”
“I know… I just…”
I waved him off. “Drew leave?”
“Yeah he said he had to meet someone.”
“His girlfriend?” I asked, looking Matt dead in the face as he cringed.
“He told you huh?”
I nodded, “Yup. After I kissed him, but before I told him I was in love with him.”
Matt sucked air in between his teeth. “Ouch.”
“Yup.” I said, plopping down next to him. His arm fell down off the back, landing around my shoulder. I knew it was by accident, but I took it as invitation, resting my head on his chest.

“I’m just so sad.” I said into his chest.
“I know.” He said, pulling me closer.
I sighed loudly. “When is your apartment finished?”
“Not sure. Is it cool that I crash here?” He asked, looking a little worried. “I mean I can get a hotel room.”
“Don’t waste your money, it’s fine.” I paused. “Do you think Drew will be back?” I tried to keep the hopeful note out of my voice, but it was hard not to be hopeful.
“I don’t know…”
Well, did it matter really? What would happen if he did come back? He was seeing someone, and obviously that person meant more to him than I did, if he was willing to turn me down for her.
“How serious is it?” I asked, even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
He shrugged, and I got a sick feeling in my stomach.
I turned to look at him, and he adverted his eyes.
“Seriously Matt?”
“Ella, you should be talking to him.”
“I did talk to him. He shut me down. Now I’m talking to you.”
“They’re more serious than he was with Christi.”
“I need a drink.”

Matt tried to object, but I really honestly felt that what I needed was to forget. I had been a big girl, I had fessed up my feelings to Drew, and I got shut down. I knew I’d get over it… Well, I hoped I’d get over it. But right now it hurt, and I wanted to dull the pain just a tad.

It started out light. I made a batch of margarita’s while I sent Matt to taco bell for some taco’s. I had planned on just taking the edge off, so to speak, but when Matt came back and announced Drew had texted that he’d just stay somewhere else tonight (and I realized it was the girlfriends house) well… I lost my appetite for those taco’s and starting doing shots of tequila instead.

I felt bad for Matt. I knew he was bewildered, unsure whether he should be trying to keep up with me, or trying to stay sober and keep me either sober or safe. He started out sipping his drinks slow, but I kept bugging him, and eventually he was taking shot after shot alongside me.

“I can’t feel my face Matt.” I said, collapsing next to him on the couch, slapping my face. “And my lips… My lips are numb.” I blew raspberries at him, and he blew them back, which set me off into fits of giggles.

Until I wasn’t giggling anymore. I was crying. Sobbing.

“I’m just so sad.” I said, over and over again, as I had already confessed earlier.
“Shhh… I know, I know…” Matt said, pulling me closer to him and patting my back, and rubbing my hair.

I looked up at him, and I just knew that I was in a bad place, and even worse, I wasn’t going to do anything to stop it. And when he leaned down to kiss me, I kissed him back. I always knew that Matt and I had chemistry, and I had always had the restraint to stop it before, but this time I just didn’t care.

“Make me feel loved.” I mumbled against his lips, and he nodded, sliding a cool hand up my shirt. I didn’t protest. Nor did he protest when I removed his shirt completely from his body, in fact, he only paused to then remove my shirt.
“Jesus Ella.” He mumbled, looking down at me, his voice thick. “You’re gorgeous.” And with them, he buried his face in my neck.

I remember bits and pieces of the night. I remember stumbling up the stairs, and I remember feeling a tiny bit guilty about what I knew was about to happen in the room Drew had just finished for me.

‘But he doesn’t want you’ a voice whispered in my head. And I knew it was right.

I knew I’d hate myself in the morning. I knew it was just going to make another mess for me to clean up, and frankly I had enough of those. But I lost my self control and had no clue where to find it. So I gave in.

“Are you sure?” Matt whispered, poised above me.
“Mmm hmm.” I said, nodding.

New post below, but I had some questions/announcements:

The blog will be ending soon-ish. Don't worry! It's not any time in the near future, more like the near distant future. The reason being is that I have an end in mind, and we're just heading in that direction. I'm actually really sad to think about it, but I also know there's really only so long you can drag things out. Everything WILL be wrapped up when it ends, and I don't have a date for an ending right now, I just wanted to give you a heads up.

I did start working on a new blog. I'm not 100% that I'm going to go through with it, I want to make sure I stick with it, because it's a random idea that came to me... Well, randomly, so I really have no idea where it's going. I'll post a link if it gets interesting.

It's a chance I'd take, even if I break

It didn’t matter where I had been, I was always happy to come home. I had been on some wonderful vacations to some amazing places, and while I had been sad to see those vacation end, I was never sad about coming home. The saying “It’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there” rang true for every place I visited. I was still in my funk, but leaving and coming home made me appreciate my life a little more. Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty good.

I decided to drop my things off at home before heading to Toni’s house. I couldn’t wait to see Cumulus, but I also imagined he would be pretty excited to see me, and I didn’t want to try to get my luggage and an excited dog into the house by myself. Maybe I’d take Cue on a run, try to get back into my old routine.

However, I freaked when I reached my door and discovered that it was unlocked. I had locked it when I left, hadn’t I? I was sure of it. Leaving for camp each summer, I had a routine of things to shut off and turn off, and I never forgot to do any of them. I contemplated for a moment, wondering if I should go to Toni’s and get the dog, or Nick.

I shook my head. I was a big girl, I could handle myself, right? Cautiously, I pushed open the door?
“Hello? Who’s here?” I called. Yeah. Smart. Because I’m sure if the robbers were in my house they’d hear my voice and answer me. I turned, deciding this was crazy. I’d just go get Nick, I’d rather be safe than…

I screamed and jumped as a hand grabbed my shoulder. Spinning around, I punched and connected with someone’s jaw, and then it was their turn to scream.

“Jesus Ella, it’s just me!” Drew yelled.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry!” I said. “I didn’t know! What are you doing creeping around in my house anyway?” I accused, trying to deflect the fact that I might have broken Drew’s jaw for no good reason.
“Some crazy lady in the apartment under us accidentally set fire to her apartment. We had to get out while they assessed the damage. We were going to stay with Toni, but she said your place was empty. I was going to call and ask but she said not to bother. If I had known you were going to be pissed off enough to punch me I would have asked…” He was teasing, that was a good sign.
“I’m not mad, I just wasn’t expecting you, and then you got all grabby… Is the apartment OK? Are you OK?” I asked. “Let’s go inside and I’ll look at it.”
“ The place is fine, I’m fine, it’s all good.”
“Well, just let me look at it. I’ve seen plenty of fights with the kids, let me assess the damage.”

He let me lead him into the house, shutting the door behind him. I took him into the bathroom, and immediately the air around us changed. The space was small, I hadn’t been this close to Drew in a long time. I gently took his chin in my hand, tilting it at different angles.

“You’re going to have a bruise.” I said, touching the red spot with my fingertips, his stubble scratching a little.
“I’ll be fine.” He said, pulling away gently. “It’ll add to my bad boy image.” He reached up to rub the spot, and I couldn’t help but think that he was trying to rub away my touch.

He moved past me, out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, where he opened the freezer and pulled out some ice.

“How was the trip?” He asked as I hoisted myself up onto the counter.
“Good.” I said automatically. Then I paused for a moment. “Actually. Weird. It was just… Weird.”
“Why?” He asked, looking a tad surprised.
“I dunno.” I said shrugging. “I guess… When things get rough I go to Jason because I thought he fixed things for me… And I guess now I’m just seeing that he doesn’t really fix anything, he’s just a distraction so I don’t have to focus on what needs to be fixed. And it’s just not working anymore.” I hadn’t realized I was going to say that. I hadn’t even realized that I had that thought.
Drew looked as surprised as I felt, as he came over and leaned beside me on the counter.
“Huh.” He said.
“What?” I asked, slightly embarrassed that I had revealed so much.
“When did you go out and grow up on me?” He teased, bumping my shoulder with his.
“Shut up.” I said, smiling and bumping him back. This was Drew. I missed this. I almost turned to tell him so, but he started speaking.

“How are you, for real though? Toni said you were going through kind of a thing…” He wouldn’t look at me, and the ease that I had just felt between us quickly dissipated. I stiffened.
“What, exactly did Toni tell you?” I asked suspiciously.
“Not much, honestly. I called to ask if we could stay with her. She told me about your trip. Said work had told you to take some time off and you seemed a little off when you told her. It’s why we didn’t call to ask about the house… She told us she thought you needed some space and not to bug you.”
I was quiet, unsure of what to say.

“So…” He prompted, after a minute. “I know we’re not best buds anymore, but… You wanna talk about it?”
The not best buds part stung. A lot. I had to blink a couple of times to keep the tears from coming out.
“It’s nothing. Quarter life crisis I guess.” I smiled, hoping to leave it at that, but the look on my face told me that that reply wasn’t good enough. I sighed, loudly.
“It’s been a rough couple of months, is all. Chloe dying, and then Seth and I broke up.” I didn’t look at him. Didn’t want to see his reaction, didn’t know if he knew. “It’s like… I kept getting hit and hit… It just disoriented me for a minute.”
“I know how that feels.” He said, rubbing his jaw and smiling at me.

We were both quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say or do.
“Look, Ella. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, like I should have been. I got caught up in my own stuff and…”
I waved him off. I couldn’t hear an apology, I was afraid that it would make me hunt for a deeper meaning.
“It’s fine, Drew. I’m a big girl. It was probably time for me to learn to deal with my own stuff by myself. I should probably go get my stuff, and go get Cumulus.”
“Matt has him. He took him for a run. I, uh… I did something.”
“You did something?” I asked, confused.
“Yeah. Let’s get your stuff and I’ll show you.”

He went outside where I had left my bags and grabbed them. Instead of heading for my bedroom, he headed for the stairs. I followed him, unsure of what was going on.
He opened the door, and I gasped. The big room upstairs, the one that I had always planned on converting into a bedroom for myself… It was converted. The walls were… Dusted, I guess I would say, with a dusky blue paint, some of the white showing up behind it, so it looked like clouds in the sky. Pictures were framed and hung, of Chloe, of Toni and the kids, of Jason and Drew, and even one of Cumulus and I. The bedspread was new, a cool light blue that matched the walls. My dark wood dresser was up here, and the room was big enough for a new desk and a small dark wood vanity. I walked around, touching it all, taking it all in.
“I worked a little on the bathroom too.” Drew said, opening the door. “I wanted to put in some new tile, but I didn’t really have the time, but if you want me to do it some other time…”
“Why did you do this?” I asked, stopping to look at a picture of Chloe and I at the country house.
“Are you mad? I mean you’ve been talking about doing it for so long I just figured…” He trailed off.
“I’m not mad, I just… Why?” I finally made myself look away from Chloe’s smiling face and focus on him.
He walked closer to me, looking at Chloe’s picture as well.
“Toni said you were sad Ella. She didn’t say you were off, she said she had never seen you so sad before in her life. I just… Wanted to make you happy.”
Before I could stop myself, I was wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him.

I almost forgot what day it was again. My sister is getting married, in a little over a month, so we're down to crunch time right now and stuff is crazy. If I do miss a deadline, feel free to write a comment and ask where I'm at, because I may have just forgotten it was a posting day. With all the other details going on, I think my brain is pushing out the minor ones... You know, like remembering what day of the week it is?

You know it's you who calls me back here baby

As I was dialing I considered hanging up. I didn’t really have any idea what I would say to Seth. But I pushed on, knowing that if I hung up, it would be weeks before I would call – or I might never call at all. It rang and rang until his voicemail clicked on. This was something I hadn’t been expecting and it caught me totally off guard.
“It’s Seth, you know what to do.” Followed by a beep.
“Hi,” I croaked, and then coughed. “Um, hi, sorry. It’s uh, me.. Uh, Ella, in case you didn’t realize” a tight, manic giggled escaped my throat and I cringed. “I thought maybe we should… Um, talk or something, and I uh… Wanting to know how the tour was going and all that, so… Give me a shout back when you get a moment…” A beep broke out over the line, and I thought for a moment his machine cut me off (maybe decided to save me from the worst voicemail left in the history of time?) but glancing down I saw that it was Seth, calling me back. “Oh, that’s uh, you. I better go get it.”
I clicked over. “Hi. I was just leaving you a voicemail.” I said, hoping that maybe he would just delete it now that he was talking to me. “How are you?”
“Good. How are you?” He asked, his voice friendly enough to show me he wasn’t hostile, but also too guarded to be considered casual.
“I’m good… I um, am on vacation. In California.”
“And how is Jason?” He asked, his voice flat.
I wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. If I should lie and say I didn’t know, hadn’t seen him, or just…
“Fine. I just saw him a little bit ago…” I trailed off, not sure why I added that last piece of information.
Awkward pause. Seth cleared his throat.
“Why are you calling, Ella?” His voice wasn’t mean. Just honest. Which I think actually hurt more than if he had been mean.
“I just thought we should talk. I mean things just kind of got left…”
“Uh-huh.” He said, encouraging me to go on. But, I had nothing else.
“I love you, Seth. But I don’t think I’m in love with you.” I blurted out, and then cringed. Really, this is why I should have scripted this phone call. Could I be any more cliché? What romantic comedy was I starring in, anyway? “I feel like a total asshat for saying that. I mean for one, it makes me sound like an asshole. And for two… You are an amazing guy. And I should be head over heels in love with you and thanking sweet baby Jesus that you love me back. But, it’s not like that. And I can’t for the life of me figure out why it’s not.”
Seth laughed. And not a bitter laugh either, a “wow that’s funny” real belly laugh. I didn’t know whether to laugh too, or bust out in tears.
“I’m sad that it’s over, Ella. I miss you. But you’re right. You weren’t in love with me. And it was hard competing with Jason and Drew all the time. There’s history there that I don’t have with you.”
“It’s more than just Jason and Drew, Seth.”
“I know that, babe. But it’s a big part of it. I just felt like I had to say that, because I do still care about you, and I want you to know that if you ever want to find someone to be with who isn’t one of those two… You’re going to have to put some space between you and them.”
I was quiet, unsure of what to say to that. He was right, I knew it, but I didn’t know how to respond.
“I met someone. Here.” He finally broke in. And even though I was the one to say I hadn’t been in love with him, those words stung a little. “It’s not serious at all, or actually anything at all… But I like her.”
“I’m glad.” I said, and was a little stunned to realize that I was, actually glad for him.
We talked a little bit more, I asked how his family was, and got more details on the tour and the girl. I knew Seth and I would keep in touch, but it wouldn’t be a frequent thing.
I hung up the phone. Just like that, it was over. I face planted on the bed. I felt empty. Not sad, not mad, not hurt, not even really lonely. Just… Empty. And it was actually worse than feeling any of those other things.
I sat up, and pulled my knees to my chest, laying my chin down on top. I thought about Jarren, how she always thought my life was so much better than hers. I wondered where she was now, what she was doing, and what exactly she would think of the wreck that was my life. She’d probably dance in the rubble, I thought, snorting out loud.
“So melodramatic.” I said out loud to myself, knowing that if Drew was here, he’d tell me the same thing. And then that ache returned to the center of my chest. Missing Drew physically hurt.
On a whim, I decided to call him. I smirked when I realized I was making a lot of on-a-whim decisions tonight, and actually laughed out loud when I realized I was doing exactly what Jason had told me to do. Everyone who said I always did everything Jason wanted me to do was right, but this time it was working out all right, at least so far.
I was giddy, like a school girl pranking her crush, and I felt my blood rush and my heart beat loudly in my ears. I hadn’t felt this happy or smiled this much in weeks. But Drew’s home phone just rang and rang, and his cell phone went straight to voicemail. And I felt crushed.
I got up, changed into my PJ’s, hopped into my cold bed, and turned out my lights. I was trying to fall asleep when my phone rang, and I looked at my called ID, hopeful that it might be Drew.
“Hi Jason.” I answered, trying to hide my disappointment.
“Hey. I just wanted to check in, make sure you were all right.”
“I’m fine. Talked to Seth. It went well. We’re done. I can keep the ring, so whoo-hoo.” I said, tiredly.
“You sure you’re fine? You don’t really sound fine.”
“It’s just been a long day, Jas. A long month, actually.”
“I’ll let you get some sleep. Can I see you tomorrow? It won’t be until evening, but I thought we could do dinner.”
“As friends?”
“Just as friends.” He promised.

I spent the majority of the rest of my trip alone. Jason and I would hang out in the evenings, and he shockingly behaved himself, and I began to see the Jason I knew back when we first met. Still, I was anxious to get home. Being alone that much gave me plenty of time to think, and while I needed time to think, I didn’t need THAT much. Being away from home and alone just seemed to magnify my loneliness. I was relieved to board the plane to head back home.

There is a new post below, but I just wanted to say a little something to you all:

These past few months have been a little difficult - and I know you don't want to hear me whine so I won't. But I just wanted to say, I am really glad to be back. It gets difficult sometimes to find time to write, but then I make myself because I don't want to let anyone down (especially after disappearing for as long as I did!) and I am always really glad that I did. Anyway, I just wanted to say that, and that your comments are really awesome and I appreciate it - you don't have to stroke my ego all the time, but I wanted to give you guys props and thanks for the encouragement :-)

Firs you gotta decide what to do, then you gotta do it.

(Sorry it's a bit shorter than usual. It's been a hellacious day of non-stop crying and laundry. And my husband hasn't gotten my strong hints that he should give Cayden his bath, so now I'm off to do that, but I figured you guys would rather have shorter than normal that not at all!)


“Ella wait!” Jason called out, running after me.
“Uh uh Jason, this was a mistake, I shouldn’t have come.” I said, not slowing down. Jason still caught up easily, and grabbed my arm to gently spin me around.
“Look, I get it. Bad timing. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I only meant…”
“You only wanted what you wanted, Jas. You don’t think about anyone else, you’re so impulsive, you just jump without looking where you’re leaping.”
“And I understand that’s not always a good thing Ella. But don’t you think it’s better than what you do?”
“What do you mean, what I do?” I said, crossing my arms defensively.
“You just… Let things happen, Ella. You don’t fight for things, you don’t try, you just let them happen.”
“That’s not true…” I started, but Jason was quick to cut me off.
“Really? Not true? You didn’t say squat to me the whole time you had feelings for me, you never once tried to convince me not to marry Kayla. And it’s not even just about me, about us. Look at you and Seth. You guys were this close to being engaged, and he walked out of your life, and you haven’t even called him, haven’t even confirmed that you’re together, or broken up, or said boo to him since then. And then there’s Drew…”
“I tried with Drew, Jason. And I really don’t see how Seth is any of your business.” I snapped. He was hitting too close to home.
“God, Ella. It’s my business because I care about you. Yes, I want to be with you. I haven’t made that a secret. But more than wanting to be with you… I just want you to be happy. And you’re never going to be happy Ella, living like this. I don’t even think it could be considered living, you’re just… Existing. Letting things happen. That’s why you’re not happy right now.”
“I’m not happy because I never get what I want.”
“You never try for what you want Ella. And really, this whole ‘woe is me’ thing is really old. You don’t want me? Fine. You don’t want Drew? Fine. You don’t want Seth? Fine. But seriously, pick SOMETHING that you want.”
“I need time, Jason. I don’t know what I want, we just went over that.” I said, frustrated.
“I know. I know.” He said, his tone softening. “I just want to make sure that when you decide what you want, you go for it. I love you Ella. I just want the best for you. I know in the past I got jealous of other guys, but now, I swear… I just want you happy.”
“Walk me back to my hotel?” I asked. He nodded.
Jason didn’t even ask to come in, which both made me feel relieved and surprised me. With his whole trying to get me to kiss him thing, I figured he was trying to take advantage of my ‘weakened’ state. It’s sad because as much as I loved Jason, I realized I didn’t trust his motives at all anymore, but I did believe that he really just wanted me to make a decision.
My hotel room was pretty plain, the cost of a last minute ticket out here had been expensive, so I had gone cheap on the room. Just a bed, tv, and a bathroom in the corner. It was much hotter out here already than it had been back in Ohio, so when I had come to drop off my luggage, I had walked into a stifling room. I had cranked the air conditioner and left in that way, and now the tiny room was freezing. I turned it down and slipped under the blanket into a cold bed. I shut my eyes, trying to slip off into sleep, and instead was greeted by a memory….
It was Toni’s bachelorette party. Since her wedding had been moved up so quickly, since her Father got sick, we had thrown together a tiny party. Just me, Jarren, Toni… And Drew. We had roped Drew into being the designated driver, and while he had grumbled about it, he had stuck with us throughout the night, driving us to different bars, and even venturing into the Full Monty with us (a male strip club. A fact we may not have told Drew when we asked him to take us there.)
At the end of the night the three girls were wasted, and Drew’s patience was wearing thin. We decided to head home, a sack full of greasy fast food. We all crammed ourselves into my bed, pulling a grumbling Drew in with us. We talked about how lucky Toni was to be getting married, Jarren and I jealous that she would not be lonely anymore.
‘What is loneliness, really?’ Toni slurred. ‘You can be lonely with a husband.’
‘Loneliness is an empty bed. It’s all cold and it doesn’t matter what you do, when you’re the lone person in the bed, it never gets warm. That’s loneliness.’ I managed to slur before passing out.
The next day, when we woke up, Drew was gone, three bottles of water and a bottle of tylenol next to the bed. I passed out the waters, and dosed out tylenol, all three of us laying next to each other and grumbling about dying. Drew came back a little while later, and handed me a bag.
‘What’s this?’ I asked, confused.
‘An electric blanket.’ He answered.
‘Um, thanks. I think?’ I replied, wondering if I was missing the joke.
‘You said last night that loneliness was a cold bed. Now your bed won’t be cold.’ He said, shrugging, a slight blush on his cheeks.
I opened my eyes, and realized that while Jason had been busy causing drama after drama with me, Drew had been doing all he could do to keep things calm and settled, and… Comfortable. That was the perfect word for Drew. He was comfortable. Jason was the opposite of that. He was exciting.
I could just give both of them up, to search for someone new. But it always came back down to them, and I think I knew it always would. I used to think I was blessed to know two incredible people, blessed to have that kind of connection. Now it seemed that nobody would ever measure up. That was the main problem with Seth. He was a good guy. I should have loved him, and I did, but… He wasn’t Drew or Jason. He never would be.
I wanted to give up – it was too hard. I didn’t have to make a decision now, did I? But then the conversation with Jason floated back into my head, and I realized I had been doing that all along – not deciding because it was too hard, putting it off because I still had time.
Still, it didn’t have to be a decision I made in a day, and I had a lot of other things to tackle – like wrapping up loose ends with Seth. I needed to call him. Needed to see if he wanted the ring back, to see what he had told people. I also was curious to see how he was doing on the show, to make sure everything was going well with him…
I glanced at the clock. Better now than never, right?

Heads up

I've been trying to posts on Monday's, but this monday it might be either later in the day or on Tuesday. It was a crazy busy week last week (Jeremy's birthday celebration, and running around doing things like getting mothers day gifts and new license plates) and then this weekend has been jammed with garage sale and birthday parties and now Mother's day. Hoping to get to it tomorrow and still have it on time Monday, but if not, I will def. get to it by Tuesday. I have it pretty much written out in my head, I just need to get it down ;-)

Happy Mother's Day to all my Mom's out there! :-)

The years rolled slowly past, and I found myself alone

**Sorry this is late guys! It's funny because I stayed up late to make sure it was done before today, and then woke up this morning and plum forgot about it!**


Toni had tried to argue with me. She asked me what Seth thought about it, and I finally admitted that I hadn’t spoken to Seth in weeks. She wanted to dive right into it then, but thankfully I was saved by a crying baby. I was worried about her trying to argue with me when I came back, but thankfully she was too busy trying to calm down the twins who were screaming to do more than shoot me a look. I felt guilty for leaving her with two screaming babies, but it was all about self preservation at this point. Besides, I had a plane to catch.
I hadn’t told Jason I was coming. I realized that was a risk. Jason could be gone running demo’s or something, but I needed to get out. Worst case scenario, I’d be left to fend for myself. At least I wouldn’t be here. Hell, maybe out there by myself I’d find the courage to call Seth. I would call Jason when I landed and if he wasn’t able to come get me, I’d find a taxi and go to my hotel room.
I let myself fall asleep on the plane, rather than think about what I was going to say to Jason or to worry over his reaction. I thought he’d be happy I came, but I hadn’t spoken to him in a while. It would definitely surprise him, and I was just hoping it was a good surprise.
I called when we landed. Even though he was excited to hear I was in California, and was heading right over to get me, I still felt sheepish and shy when I saw him. I felt like I was starting back at square one, running away to the one who always got me into trouble.
He got me settled into my hotel, and apologized that he would have to work the majority of the time I was here. I felt a little sad at this news, but realized it was my own fault. He then took me out to dinner, and asked me why I was there. Without meaning too, I launched into the whole story, starting with the horrible Thanksgiving day surprise engagement announcement, and ending with being dismissed from work. I was surprised to hear how matter-of-fact the words sounded coming from my mouth: no emotion, just the truth. It took the whole dinner to explain everything, and after, he led me outside to take a walk on the beach. We walked in silence for a few minutes, and then Jason sat down, staring out at the water.
When Jason reached for my hand, I didn’t pull away, although I sort of wanted too. It felt nice, but I also realized it was kind of like eating a third brownie in a row. Sure, it tasted good, but how good was it for you? Still, it was just hand holding, something we used to do when we were strictly friends. So why not now?
“What are you doing here?” His voice so quiet I wasn’t quite sure he had really spoken, until he looked over at me.
“We’re sitting here, Jason.” I answered.
“You know that’s not what I meant.” He was right. I did. But I didn’t acknowledge it, hoping he’d take the hint and drop the subject.
“Ella…” His voice warned.
“Don’t do this Jas, OK?”
“I need to do this, El. We never do this, and look where we always end up. I can deal with you not wanting to be with me, but I can’t walk away knowing I never even bothered to ask. Look,” He paused, standing up to run a hand through his hair. “I love you.”
He said it so honestly that my heart broke, and his voice was so raw that I had to look away from him.
“Ella, don’t. Please don’t shut down and shut me out. I know I’ve fucked up in the past, and I can’t say that I deserve another chance, but I do think at the very least I deserve some answers and some honesty. Let’s not make the same mistakes again.”
“Ok.”
“OK?” He asked, looking bewildered. “What does that mean?”
“It means you love me. It means I’ll be honest with you, even though I know it’s not the answer you’re looking for. I’ll be honest with myself. I don’t know. That’s the honest truth of it all. I don’t know anything. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know why things happened the way they happened, with you, with Drew, with Seth. I don’t understand why I’m here when I obviously suck at life so bad, and Chloe’s dead. I don’t know why I went into a profession that makes me feel like I’m failing half the time because the system is set up to fail… My life is so full of what I don’t know, that it honestly would have been a lot easier to ask me what I do know.”
“Well?” He prompted after a beat of silence.
“Well what?” I asked, confused and slightly annoyed.
“Well, what do you know?”
I looked over at him, to see if he was being a smartass, but no. His face was devoid of humor. He wanted to know. Problem was, I had viewed it more of a rhetorical question and didn’t really know the answer.
“I know…” I stumbled a bit, unsure, but decided just to let my mouth run unfiltered for a moment. “I know I love you, too. But I don’t know if that’s good enough anymore. I don’t know if being with you is a good idea, or even right. I don’t know if I can trust you. I know I still miss Drew, and I even miss Seth. I know that I’m terrified that I’m just never going to get anything right.” I swallowed back the tears that were surprisingly building up behind my eyes. “I was once so damn sure of how everything would end up. And then even when I wasn’t, I was still sure that it would end up alright. And now I just don’t know.” I absently wiped at my eyes. “Everything changing, and I used to be so excited for change, but now I’m just… I’m tired of it. And I’m scared. I don’t know where I’m going to end up anymore. I don’t think I’m doing any of this right, and most days I feel like I go to bed with nothing accomplished.”
“Is there really a right way to do anything El? I thought the whole point of life is we all go through it partially blind. You make choices, you hope their the right ones. In the end, you never really know if they are or not.”
“I realize that. I just used to be better about leaping, and now… Now I hesitate so much, that I don’t do anything at all.”
“So kiss me now, and think about it later.”
“What?” I asked, wondering if I heard him right. I was pouring my heart out about how unsure I was, and he wanted me to kiss him?
“Kiss me now, worry later. Don’t look before you leap, Ella.”
I shook my head. “Coming, it was a mistake.”
“Ella, I was just trying…”
“You were just trying to push your agenda on me at a time when I just needed you to listen and be supportive. You can accuse me of being old and cautious Jason, but you need to grow up a little bit. Sometimes some things need time, and you’re not willing to give things time. You want what you want, and you want it now, and that’s why you always end up in so much trouble. I need to go.”