It's a chance I'd take, even if I break

It didn’t matter where I had been, I was always happy to come home. I had been on some wonderful vacations to some amazing places, and while I had been sad to see those vacation end, I was never sad about coming home. The saying “It’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there” rang true for every place I visited. I was still in my funk, but leaving and coming home made me appreciate my life a little more. Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty good.

I decided to drop my things off at home before heading to Toni’s house. I couldn’t wait to see Cumulus, but I also imagined he would be pretty excited to see me, and I didn’t want to try to get my luggage and an excited dog into the house by myself. Maybe I’d take Cue on a run, try to get back into my old routine.

However, I freaked when I reached my door and discovered that it was unlocked. I had locked it when I left, hadn’t I? I was sure of it. Leaving for camp each summer, I had a routine of things to shut off and turn off, and I never forgot to do any of them. I contemplated for a moment, wondering if I should go to Toni’s and get the dog, or Nick.

I shook my head. I was a big girl, I could handle myself, right? Cautiously, I pushed open the door?
“Hello? Who’s here?” I called. Yeah. Smart. Because I’m sure if the robbers were in my house they’d hear my voice and answer me. I turned, deciding this was crazy. I’d just go get Nick, I’d rather be safe than…

I screamed and jumped as a hand grabbed my shoulder. Spinning around, I punched and connected with someone’s jaw, and then it was their turn to scream.

“Jesus Ella, it’s just me!” Drew yelled.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry!” I said. “I didn’t know! What are you doing creeping around in my house anyway?” I accused, trying to deflect the fact that I might have broken Drew’s jaw for no good reason.
“Some crazy lady in the apartment under us accidentally set fire to her apartment. We had to get out while they assessed the damage. We were going to stay with Toni, but she said your place was empty. I was going to call and ask but she said not to bother. If I had known you were going to be pissed off enough to punch me I would have asked…” He was teasing, that was a good sign.
“I’m not mad, I just wasn’t expecting you, and then you got all grabby… Is the apartment OK? Are you OK?” I asked. “Let’s go inside and I’ll look at it.”
“ The place is fine, I’m fine, it’s all good.”
“Well, just let me look at it. I’ve seen plenty of fights with the kids, let me assess the damage.”

He let me lead him into the house, shutting the door behind him. I took him into the bathroom, and immediately the air around us changed. The space was small, I hadn’t been this close to Drew in a long time. I gently took his chin in my hand, tilting it at different angles.

“You’re going to have a bruise.” I said, touching the red spot with my fingertips, his stubble scratching a little.
“I’ll be fine.” He said, pulling away gently. “It’ll add to my bad boy image.” He reached up to rub the spot, and I couldn’t help but think that he was trying to rub away my touch.

He moved past me, out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, where he opened the freezer and pulled out some ice.

“How was the trip?” He asked as I hoisted myself up onto the counter.
“Good.” I said automatically. Then I paused for a moment. “Actually. Weird. It was just… Weird.”
“Why?” He asked, looking a tad surprised.
“I dunno.” I said shrugging. “I guess… When things get rough I go to Jason because I thought he fixed things for me… And I guess now I’m just seeing that he doesn’t really fix anything, he’s just a distraction so I don’t have to focus on what needs to be fixed. And it’s just not working anymore.” I hadn’t realized I was going to say that. I hadn’t even realized that I had that thought.
Drew looked as surprised as I felt, as he came over and leaned beside me on the counter.
“Huh.” He said.
“What?” I asked, slightly embarrassed that I had revealed so much.
“When did you go out and grow up on me?” He teased, bumping my shoulder with his.
“Shut up.” I said, smiling and bumping him back. This was Drew. I missed this. I almost turned to tell him so, but he started speaking.

“How are you, for real though? Toni said you were going through kind of a thing…” He wouldn’t look at me, and the ease that I had just felt between us quickly dissipated. I stiffened.
“What, exactly did Toni tell you?” I asked suspiciously.
“Not much, honestly. I called to ask if we could stay with her. She told me about your trip. Said work had told you to take some time off and you seemed a little off when you told her. It’s why we didn’t call to ask about the house… She told us she thought you needed some space and not to bug you.”
I was quiet, unsure of what to say.

“So…” He prompted, after a minute. “I know we’re not best buds anymore, but… You wanna talk about it?”
The not best buds part stung. A lot. I had to blink a couple of times to keep the tears from coming out.
“It’s nothing. Quarter life crisis I guess.” I smiled, hoping to leave it at that, but the look on my face told me that that reply wasn’t good enough. I sighed, loudly.
“It’s been a rough couple of months, is all. Chloe dying, and then Seth and I broke up.” I didn’t look at him. Didn’t want to see his reaction, didn’t know if he knew. “It’s like… I kept getting hit and hit… It just disoriented me for a minute.”
“I know how that feels.” He said, rubbing his jaw and smiling at me.

We were both quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say or do.
“Look, Ella. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, like I should have been. I got caught up in my own stuff and…”
I waved him off. I couldn’t hear an apology, I was afraid that it would make me hunt for a deeper meaning.
“It’s fine, Drew. I’m a big girl. It was probably time for me to learn to deal with my own stuff by myself. I should probably go get my stuff, and go get Cumulus.”
“Matt has him. He took him for a run. I, uh… I did something.”
“You did something?” I asked, confused.
“Yeah. Let’s get your stuff and I’ll show you.”

He went outside where I had left my bags and grabbed them. Instead of heading for my bedroom, he headed for the stairs. I followed him, unsure of what was going on.
He opened the door, and I gasped. The big room upstairs, the one that I had always planned on converting into a bedroom for myself… It was converted. The walls were… Dusted, I guess I would say, with a dusky blue paint, some of the white showing up behind it, so it looked like clouds in the sky. Pictures were framed and hung, of Chloe, of Toni and the kids, of Jason and Drew, and even one of Cumulus and I. The bedspread was new, a cool light blue that matched the walls. My dark wood dresser was up here, and the room was big enough for a new desk and a small dark wood vanity. I walked around, touching it all, taking it all in.
“I worked a little on the bathroom too.” Drew said, opening the door. “I wanted to put in some new tile, but I didn’t really have the time, but if you want me to do it some other time…”
“Why did you do this?” I asked, stopping to look at a picture of Chloe and I at the country house.
“Are you mad? I mean you’ve been talking about doing it for so long I just figured…” He trailed off.
“I’m not mad, I just… Why?” I finally made myself look away from Chloe’s smiling face and focus on him.
He walked closer to me, looking at Chloe’s picture as well.
“Toni said you were sad Ella. She didn’t say you were off, she said she had never seen you so sad before in her life. I just… Wanted to make you happy.”
Before I could stop myself, I was wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him.