Firs you gotta decide what to do, then you gotta do it.

(Sorry it's a bit shorter than usual. It's been a hellacious day of non-stop crying and laundry. And my husband hasn't gotten my strong hints that he should give Cayden his bath, so now I'm off to do that, but I figured you guys would rather have shorter than normal that not at all!)


“Ella wait!” Jason called out, running after me.
“Uh uh Jason, this was a mistake, I shouldn’t have come.” I said, not slowing down. Jason still caught up easily, and grabbed my arm to gently spin me around.
“Look, I get it. Bad timing. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I only meant…”
“You only wanted what you wanted, Jas. You don’t think about anyone else, you’re so impulsive, you just jump without looking where you’re leaping.”
“And I understand that’s not always a good thing Ella. But don’t you think it’s better than what you do?”
“What do you mean, what I do?” I said, crossing my arms defensively.
“You just… Let things happen, Ella. You don’t fight for things, you don’t try, you just let them happen.”
“That’s not true…” I started, but Jason was quick to cut me off.
“Really? Not true? You didn’t say squat to me the whole time you had feelings for me, you never once tried to convince me not to marry Kayla. And it’s not even just about me, about us. Look at you and Seth. You guys were this close to being engaged, and he walked out of your life, and you haven’t even called him, haven’t even confirmed that you’re together, or broken up, or said boo to him since then. And then there’s Drew…”
“I tried with Drew, Jason. And I really don’t see how Seth is any of your business.” I snapped. He was hitting too close to home.
“God, Ella. It’s my business because I care about you. Yes, I want to be with you. I haven’t made that a secret. But more than wanting to be with you… I just want you to be happy. And you’re never going to be happy Ella, living like this. I don’t even think it could be considered living, you’re just… Existing. Letting things happen. That’s why you’re not happy right now.”
“I’m not happy because I never get what I want.”
“You never try for what you want Ella. And really, this whole ‘woe is me’ thing is really old. You don’t want me? Fine. You don’t want Drew? Fine. You don’t want Seth? Fine. But seriously, pick SOMETHING that you want.”
“I need time, Jason. I don’t know what I want, we just went over that.” I said, frustrated.
“I know. I know.” He said, his tone softening. “I just want to make sure that when you decide what you want, you go for it. I love you Ella. I just want the best for you. I know in the past I got jealous of other guys, but now, I swear… I just want you happy.”
“Walk me back to my hotel?” I asked. He nodded.
Jason didn’t even ask to come in, which both made me feel relieved and surprised me. With his whole trying to get me to kiss him thing, I figured he was trying to take advantage of my ‘weakened’ state. It’s sad because as much as I loved Jason, I realized I didn’t trust his motives at all anymore, but I did believe that he really just wanted me to make a decision.
My hotel room was pretty plain, the cost of a last minute ticket out here had been expensive, so I had gone cheap on the room. Just a bed, tv, and a bathroom in the corner. It was much hotter out here already than it had been back in Ohio, so when I had come to drop off my luggage, I had walked into a stifling room. I had cranked the air conditioner and left in that way, and now the tiny room was freezing. I turned it down and slipped under the blanket into a cold bed. I shut my eyes, trying to slip off into sleep, and instead was greeted by a memory….
It was Toni’s bachelorette party. Since her wedding had been moved up so quickly, since her Father got sick, we had thrown together a tiny party. Just me, Jarren, Toni… And Drew. We had roped Drew into being the designated driver, and while he had grumbled about it, he had stuck with us throughout the night, driving us to different bars, and even venturing into the Full Monty with us (a male strip club. A fact we may not have told Drew when we asked him to take us there.)
At the end of the night the three girls were wasted, and Drew’s patience was wearing thin. We decided to head home, a sack full of greasy fast food. We all crammed ourselves into my bed, pulling a grumbling Drew in with us. We talked about how lucky Toni was to be getting married, Jarren and I jealous that she would not be lonely anymore.
‘What is loneliness, really?’ Toni slurred. ‘You can be lonely with a husband.’
‘Loneliness is an empty bed. It’s all cold and it doesn’t matter what you do, when you’re the lone person in the bed, it never gets warm. That’s loneliness.’ I managed to slur before passing out.
The next day, when we woke up, Drew was gone, three bottles of water and a bottle of tylenol next to the bed. I passed out the waters, and dosed out tylenol, all three of us laying next to each other and grumbling about dying. Drew came back a little while later, and handed me a bag.
‘What’s this?’ I asked, confused.
‘An electric blanket.’ He answered.
‘Um, thanks. I think?’ I replied, wondering if I was missing the joke.
‘You said last night that loneliness was a cold bed. Now your bed won’t be cold.’ He said, shrugging, a slight blush on his cheeks.
I opened my eyes, and realized that while Jason had been busy causing drama after drama with me, Drew had been doing all he could do to keep things calm and settled, and… Comfortable. That was the perfect word for Drew. He was comfortable. Jason was the opposite of that. He was exciting.
I could just give both of them up, to search for someone new. But it always came back down to them, and I think I knew it always would. I used to think I was blessed to know two incredible people, blessed to have that kind of connection. Now it seemed that nobody would ever measure up. That was the main problem with Seth. He was a good guy. I should have loved him, and I did, but… He wasn’t Drew or Jason. He never would be.
I wanted to give up – it was too hard. I didn’t have to make a decision now, did I? But then the conversation with Jason floated back into my head, and I realized I had been doing that all along – not deciding because it was too hard, putting it off because I still had time.
Still, it didn’t have to be a decision I made in a day, and I had a lot of other things to tackle – like wrapping up loose ends with Seth. I needed to call him. Needed to see if he wanted the ring back, to see what he had told people. I also was curious to see how he was doing on the show, to make sure everything was going well with him…
I glanced at the clock. Better now than never, right?