Get me off of this I need confidence in myself....

Home. That’s the first word that popped into my head as I was kissing Drew. It felt like home, and I realized, just like home… Other guys were nice to visit, but I always wanted to come back here. All of a sudden though, I felt Drew’s hands on my shoulders, gently breaking away.

“Ella…” He said, but I couldn’t let him finish.
“I’m sorry Drew. I wish I had better words than that, but I don’t. I’m sorry for every time I ever hurt you, I’m sorry I didn’t realize this all sooner, I’m just so sorry. I’ll say it a million times if you just forgive me. You have to forgive me.”
“I do forgive you Ella.” His voice and his face softening. “You weren’t the only one to blame…”
“So?” I asked, looking up at him, feeling so much hope well inside me that I felt like maybe I would burst.
“I’m seeing someone Ella.”

And just like that, I felt myself burst. Or, maybe not burst, maybe deflate was a better word. The hope rushed out of me, and I stumbled back onto the bed.

“I’m sorry.” He said. And I felt guilty at how sorry he sounded.
“No.” I said waving a hand. “Not your fault at all.”

I didn’t really didn’t know what to say next. I had a million questions – did it feel like that when you kissed her? Was she prettier than me? Do you love her? – But I realized none of them were really appropriate.

“I love you.” I said, plainly. I hadn’t expected to say it, but hearing the words come out of my mouth, I wasn’t surprised, only surprised that it took me so long to say.
“I’m sorry.” He repeated. He stood there for an awkward beat longer, and then turned to go.

I wanted to stop him, but really, what could I do? Cry? I already felt embarrassed by being that open with him, but at least I could say I had fought for him. There was a thin line between fighting for your man and becoming a sobbing mess at his feet.

I wished, for the millionth time, for a rewind button. I wanted a do-over, and I was going to do it right.
Then a glint caught my eye. The light from my window was shining on the silver picture frame that housed Chloe and my picture. I walked over to it, picked it up, feeling it’s weight in my hand.

Had I gotten a do-over with Jason, I never would have fallen for Drew. And falling for Drew… Felt right. Felt like something I should have experienced. And had I not messed things up with Drew, I never would have dated Seth, who I did love… And I never would have met Chloe. The thought of Chloe squeezed my heart, and I let the pain wash over me, until the waves eased. I wondered if the pain was worth it – had I never met her, I never would have known to miss her. But, I also wouldn’t have had the many great memories I had of her. I’d take the pain. She was worth it.

So really, hadn’t everything happened the way it was supposed too? Even if it sucked right now… It had sucked before and gotten better. I could dwell all I wanted to on the way things COULD have happened, but it still wouldn’t change anything. They happened this way. This was where I was at. Like it or not, this was where I was supposed to be.

I went downstairs, where I was greeted to Matt lounging on my sofa, one long arm draped over the back, his long legs stretched out in front of him, and Cumulus jumping all over me. That’s the thing about dogs, you could be having the shittiest time ever, and when you see how happy they are to see you, you have to get happy too. Dogs appreciate you like nobody else in the world does. As I realized this, I took Cumulus’ oversized head in my hands and kissed his huge forehead. Then I buried my face in his fur and gave him a long hug. He seemed to sense that I needed this, because he calmed and held still, letting me hold him until I let go.

“How was your trip?” Matt asked, watching me with careful eyes.
“Fine. And stop looking at me like I’m suicidal. I’m fine, Matt.”
“I know… I just…”
I waved him off. “Drew leave?”
“Yeah he said he had to meet someone.”
“His girlfriend?” I asked, looking Matt dead in the face as he cringed.
“He told you huh?”
I nodded, “Yup. After I kissed him, but before I told him I was in love with him.”
Matt sucked air in between his teeth. “Ouch.”
“Yup.” I said, plopping down next to him. His arm fell down off the back, landing around my shoulder. I knew it was by accident, but I took it as invitation, resting my head on his chest.

“I’m just so sad.” I said into his chest.
“I know.” He said, pulling me closer.
I sighed loudly. “When is your apartment finished?”
“Not sure. Is it cool that I crash here?” He asked, looking a little worried. “I mean I can get a hotel room.”
“Don’t waste your money, it’s fine.” I paused. “Do you think Drew will be back?” I tried to keep the hopeful note out of my voice, but it was hard not to be hopeful.
“I don’t know…”
Well, did it matter really? What would happen if he did come back? He was seeing someone, and obviously that person meant more to him than I did, if he was willing to turn me down for her.
“How serious is it?” I asked, even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
He shrugged, and I got a sick feeling in my stomach.
I turned to look at him, and he adverted his eyes.
“Seriously Matt?”
“Ella, you should be talking to him.”
“I did talk to him. He shut me down. Now I’m talking to you.”
“They’re more serious than he was with Christi.”
“I need a drink.”

Matt tried to object, but I really honestly felt that what I needed was to forget. I had been a big girl, I had fessed up my feelings to Drew, and I got shut down. I knew I’d get over it… Well, I hoped I’d get over it. But right now it hurt, and I wanted to dull the pain just a tad.

It started out light. I made a batch of margarita’s while I sent Matt to taco bell for some taco’s. I had planned on just taking the edge off, so to speak, but when Matt came back and announced Drew had texted that he’d just stay somewhere else tonight (and I realized it was the girlfriends house) well… I lost my appetite for those taco’s and starting doing shots of tequila instead.

I felt bad for Matt. I knew he was bewildered, unsure whether he should be trying to keep up with me, or trying to stay sober and keep me either sober or safe. He started out sipping his drinks slow, but I kept bugging him, and eventually he was taking shot after shot alongside me.

“I can’t feel my face Matt.” I said, collapsing next to him on the couch, slapping my face. “And my lips… My lips are numb.” I blew raspberries at him, and he blew them back, which set me off into fits of giggles.

Until I wasn’t giggling anymore. I was crying. Sobbing.

“I’m just so sad.” I said, over and over again, as I had already confessed earlier.
“Shhh… I know, I know…” Matt said, pulling me closer to him and patting my back, and rubbing my hair.

I looked up at him, and I just knew that I was in a bad place, and even worse, I wasn’t going to do anything to stop it. And when he leaned down to kiss me, I kissed him back. I always knew that Matt and I had chemistry, and I had always had the restraint to stop it before, but this time I just didn’t care.

“Make me feel loved.” I mumbled against his lips, and he nodded, sliding a cool hand up my shirt. I didn’t protest. Nor did he protest when I removed his shirt completely from his body, in fact, he only paused to then remove my shirt.
“Jesus Ella.” He mumbled, looking down at me, his voice thick. “You’re gorgeous.” And with them, he buried his face in my neck.

I remember bits and pieces of the night. I remember stumbling up the stairs, and I remember feeling a tiny bit guilty about what I knew was about to happen in the room Drew had just finished for me.

‘But he doesn’t want you’ a voice whispered in my head. And I knew it was right.

I knew I’d hate myself in the morning. I knew it was just going to make another mess for me to clean up, and frankly I had enough of those. But I lost my self control and had no clue where to find it. So I gave in.

“Are you sure?” Matt whispered, poised above me.
“Mmm hmm.” I said, nodding.