You know it's you who calls me back here baby

As I was dialing I considered hanging up. I didn’t really have any idea what I would say to Seth. But I pushed on, knowing that if I hung up, it would be weeks before I would call – or I might never call at all. It rang and rang until his voicemail clicked on. This was something I hadn’t been expecting and it caught me totally off guard.
“It’s Seth, you know what to do.” Followed by a beep.
“Hi,” I croaked, and then coughed. “Um, hi, sorry. It’s uh, me.. Uh, Ella, in case you didn’t realize” a tight, manic giggled escaped my throat and I cringed. “I thought maybe we should… Um, talk or something, and I uh… Wanting to know how the tour was going and all that, so… Give me a shout back when you get a moment…” A beep broke out over the line, and I thought for a moment his machine cut me off (maybe decided to save me from the worst voicemail left in the history of time?) but glancing down I saw that it was Seth, calling me back. “Oh, that’s uh, you. I better go get it.”
I clicked over. “Hi. I was just leaving you a voicemail.” I said, hoping that maybe he would just delete it now that he was talking to me. “How are you?”
“Good. How are you?” He asked, his voice friendly enough to show me he wasn’t hostile, but also too guarded to be considered casual.
“I’m good… I um, am on vacation. In California.”
“And how is Jason?” He asked, his voice flat.
I wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. If I should lie and say I didn’t know, hadn’t seen him, or just…
“Fine. I just saw him a little bit ago…” I trailed off, not sure why I added that last piece of information.
Awkward pause. Seth cleared his throat.
“Why are you calling, Ella?” His voice wasn’t mean. Just honest. Which I think actually hurt more than if he had been mean.
“I just thought we should talk. I mean things just kind of got left…”
“Uh-huh.” He said, encouraging me to go on. But, I had nothing else.
“I love you, Seth. But I don’t think I’m in love with you.” I blurted out, and then cringed. Really, this is why I should have scripted this phone call. Could I be any more cliché? What romantic comedy was I starring in, anyway? “I feel like a total asshat for saying that. I mean for one, it makes me sound like an asshole. And for two… You are an amazing guy. And I should be head over heels in love with you and thanking sweet baby Jesus that you love me back. But, it’s not like that. And I can’t for the life of me figure out why it’s not.”
Seth laughed. And not a bitter laugh either, a “wow that’s funny” real belly laugh. I didn’t know whether to laugh too, or bust out in tears.
“I’m sad that it’s over, Ella. I miss you. But you’re right. You weren’t in love with me. And it was hard competing with Jason and Drew all the time. There’s history there that I don’t have with you.”
“It’s more than just Jason and Drew, Seth.”
“I know that, babe. But it’s a big part of it. I just felt like I had to say that, because I do still care about you, and I want you to know that if you ever want to find someone to be with who isn’t one of those two… You’re going to have to put some space between you and them.”
I was quiet, unsure of what to say to that. He was right, I knew it, but I didn’t know how to respond.
“I met someone. Here.” He finally broke in. And even though I was the one to say I hadn’t been in love with him, those words stung a little. “It’s not serious at all, or actually anything at all… But I like her.”
“I’m glad.” I said, and was a little stunned to realize that I was, actually glad for him.
We talked a little bit more, I asked how his family was, and got more details on the tour and the girl. I knew Seth and I would keep in touch, but it wouldn’t be a frequent thing.
I hung up the phone. Just like that, it was over. I face planted on the bed. I felt empty. Not sad, not mad, not hurt, not even really lonely. Just… Empty. And it was actually worse than feeling any of those other things.
I sat up, and pulled my knees to my chest, laying my chin down on top. I thought about Jarren, how she always thought my life was so much better than hers. I wondered where she was now, what she was doing, and what exactly she would think of the wreck that was my life. She’d probably dance in the rubble, I thought, snorting out loud.
“So melodramatic.” I said out loud to myself, knowing that if Drew was here, he’d tell me the same thing. And then that ache returned to the center of my chest. Missing Drew physically hurt.
On a whim, I decided to call him. I smirked when I realized I was making a lot of on-a-whim decisions tonight, and actually laughed out loud when I realized I was doing exactly what Jason had told me to do. Everyone who said I always did everything Jason wanted me to do was right, but this time it was working out all right, at least so far.
I was giddy, like a school girl pranking her crush, and I felt my blood rush and my heart beat loudly in my ears. I hadn’t felt this happy or smiled this much in weeks. But Drew’s home phone just rang and rang, and his cell phone went straight to voicemail. And I felt crushed.
I got up, changed into my PJ’s, hopped into my cold bed, and turned out my lights. I was trying to fall asleep when my phone rang, and I looked at my called ID, hopeful that it might be Drew.
“Hi Jason.” I answered, trying to hide my disappointment.
“Hey. I just wanted to check in, make sure you were all right.”
“I’m fine. Talked to Seth. It went well. We’re done. I can keep the ring, so whoo-hoo.” I said, tiredly.
“You sure you’re fine? You don’t really sound fine.”
“It’s just been a long day, Jas. A long month, actually.”
“I’ll let you get some sleep. Can I see you tomorrow? It won’t be until evening, but I thought we could do dinner.”
“As friends?”
“Just as friends.” He promised.

I spent the majority of the rest of my trip alone. Jason and I would hang out in the evenings, and he shockingly behaved himself, and I began to see the Jason I knew back when we first met. Still, I was anxious to get home. Being alone that much gave me plenty of time to think, and while I needed time to think, I didn’t need THAT much. Being away from home and alone just seemed to magnify my loneliness. I was relieved to board the plane to head back home.