When there's no one else to love keep me in mind

----Just to let you guys know, I posted an extra post on Thursday, so if you didn't catch it, scroll down a little before you read this one----

I woke up the next morning with an aching head. I tried to roll over, but felt heavy. For a moment I panicked, feeling weighed down, and then I looked down to see Matt’s arm tossed across me.

“Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit.” I mumbled to myself. I almost had to laugh, this was ridiculous. I hid my face behind my hands and tried to figure out exactly how I had gotten here. It was that moment that Matt chose to wake up.

I peeked out from behind my hands, watching him stretch and roll over on his side. He propped his head on his arm, looking down on me.

“Hey.” He said, his voice thick with sleep.
“Hi.” I said, moving my hand from my eyes down to my mouth.
He reach forward and brushed a stray piece of hair off my face, I turned, feeling insanely guilty.
“I’m sorry.” He said. “I feel like this is all my fault.”
I shook my head. “It’s not really anybody’s fault.”
“But I knew you were upset, and I should have stayed sober…” He trailed off. “Are you mad?”
“I’m mad at myself.” I answered honestly.
“Why?”
“I just did it again. What I always do. I can’t stand to be alone, so I run to the first person who’s going to show me any sort of interest. And I mean, that’s why Drew left me in the first place. He felt like he was a runner up, and I can’t blame him, because I keep doing crap like this.”
“I can see what you mean Ella, but I also don’t think it’s fair for any guy to assume you’ll just wait for him. If he wanted to be with you, he’d be with you.”

The honesty of the statement shocked me, mainly because I knew he was right, in a way. If Drew wanted to be with me, he would have broken up with his girlfriend. But he chose her over me. The end. However, I disagreed with the fact that by abstaining from a relationship it meant that I was waiting for him. It merely meant that I was taking time to get over him, which I guess I had never really done with any relationship I had been in. I just kind of went from one guy to another, and then always seemed to end up back in the same place.

“I just think I need some time, before I move on.” I said, avoiding Matt’s eyes.
“I’m sorry if it seemed like I pushed you.” He said, reaching for my hand.
“Again, it just happened. Nobodys fault.” A few choice images flashed in my mind, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Besides, it was fun.”
“Fun, huh?” He said, raising his eyebrows at me.
“Yeah… Why?”
“Oh, I would have used different words.”
“Like?” I prompted, wondering if I even wanted to know.
“Hot. Sexy. Pretty fucking fantastic.”
“That’s three words.” I pointed out, with a smirk on my face.
“Smartass.” He mumbled.

That’s what started a pillow fight, which ended up in a tickle fight, which ended up with Matt pinning me down, his face inches from mine.

I know, I know, I’m an idiot. But I leaned up and kissed him, and he kissed me back. I couldn’t help it. Matt and I always had this crazy chemistry – purely physical. At least I thought it was physical. It certainly felt very physical.

We didn’t have sex again. But, we did have a pretty hot and heavy make out session. When it ended, I felt even worse than I have before, because this time I couldn’t even blame it on the alcohol. That had been one hundred percent me.

When I finally managed to pull myself away from Matt, I flopped on my back, groaning.

“I can’t apologize for that one. You started it. Though I can’t say I tried to stop you.” He said.
“I know. I can’t help it. Do you feel that? I mean from the moment I met you Matt, I felt a spark. It’s dangerous.”
“But fun.” He said, inching towards me.
“Uh uh.” I said, putting a hand on his still bare chest. “I can’t do this, I have feelings for Drew.”
“I know that. But who’s to say we can’t have fun, Ella?”
“You said that. And I said it too. Do you not remember the whole conversation we had about friends with benefits? How it always ends horribly?”
“It does for other people. But we do have the chemistry. That’s all it is, Ella. A physical connection. Not emotional.” He was sliding his hands over my hips now.
“You just say that because you want to get in my pants.”
“Well, a little bit, yeah. But I also wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. I mean if anything, it may just help you out. You said you jump from relationship to relationship so you don’t have to be lonely. I can make it so you’re not lonely. And nobody has to know. It can be just between us.”

I just shook my head. I didn’t trust myself to speak, because I really wanted to say yes. The sex and the making out was mind blowing, but I also really believed what I said when people in friends with benefit relationships just wind up hurt. Not to mention, I knew if it ever got back to Drew, it would kill any chances I had of getting back together with him – and I wasn’t even sure I had any chances left to begin with. If things went south with Matt, I’d also lose our friendship.

“Well, fine. But if you change you change your mind, the offer stands.” He said.

I glanced at him, from the corner of my eye, wondering if he was mad. He caught me, and winked.

“But now I feel like I should buy you dinner. So get up, let’s go.” He said.

We headed over to Red Door Tavern, a place I didn’t visit a lot because while the food was amazing, the service sucked. Walking in, it took me a moment to let my eyes adjust to the dark bar, but then they did. As I searched for a place for us to sit, my eyes fell on the couple in the corner. Drew. With a girl. His new girl.

At first I thought this was something planned by Matt, as he had been the one to suggest the restaurant. Maybe he knew Drew was coming here and decided to use it as a ploy to try to get me to agree to the whole friends with benefits thing. Matt didn’t seem that sneaky, but I don’t know. But, I knew by the look on his face when he caught what I was looking at, he had no idea that they were going to be there.

“You wanna go somewhere else?” He asked.
I couldn’t answer him. I was too busy staring at her. I couldn’t stop myself, I tried to tear my eyes away, and I just couldn’t. The thing about her, and I realize how shallow and horrible this makes me sound, but she wasn’t even that pretty. Her mouth was slightly too large for her face, and her hair was frizzy. And, while she wasn’t anywhere near fat, she wasn’t really all that skinny either. I know looks don’t really matter all that much, and I have met some beautiful girls who are very ugly where it does matter, but it was a blow to the ego, none the less. Drew not only picked another girl over me, he picked an ugly girl over me.

I was about to tell Matt that maybe we should move it somewhere else, when the girl glanced over, perking up.

“Hey Matt!” She said waving “C’mon over and join us!”