Cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you

Much to the annoyance of the people behind me, I stopped in my tracks. I got bumped from behind, but still didn’t move, and barely heard the grumbles of complaints behind me. I didn’t know what to do, I was rooted to the spots. Part of me was really excited, he had come for me. But part of me, probably the practical part, still had doubts. Maybe it was all a coincidence, maybe he was here to pick up someone else – his Mom, or his girlfriend. I hated told anyone I would be coming in, and I don’t know how he would have found out. My parents were the only ones who knew, and I highly doubted Drew had randomly called them.

Still, I could see from the look on his face that he was searching for someone, and in slow motion it seemed, I watched him find me. From the look on his face, it was clear. He was nervous to see me, but not surprised. How he came to find out I was here, I don’t know. But he was here for me.

I watched him make his way over to me. I wasn’t sure what to do. An irrational part of me was actually angry – who was he to just ambush me like this? I looked terrible, I was tired, and I was totally unprepared. But another, calmer part of me realized that when I had left for Colorado, this had been what I wanted. For Drew to show up and…. And do what? I had no idea what I wanted. I also had no idea what he wanted.

“Hi.” He said. He looked good. Tired, but good.

“Hi.” I answered. Then I cleared my throat. “I, uh, wasn’t expecting you.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I asked, confused.

“For everything?” He said, smiling a goofy half smile and running a hand through his hair. “More specifically though for just randomly popping up here, now.”

“Well. I don’t know yet if I’m happy about it. Why are you here? How did you even know I was coming?” I tried to keep my tone even, but I realized it came out with a little bit of an accusing edge. I couldn’t help it, I was tired of being in limbo with Drew – I wanted answers.

“Why don’t we go somewhere and talk? We’re kind of holding up traffic here.”

“Fine, but it needs to be someplace here, and it can’t be too long. Cue is waiting in a kennel somewhere, and he’ll probably be waking up soon.”

Drew led me to a nearly empty restaurant that wasn’t too far from the gate. I wondered if he had already decided on that even before I got here. I suddenly feared that he had bad news to tell me – maybe he was engaged. Maybe he figured I’d freak out less if we were in public.

We ordered drinks, and I also put in an order for an appetizer. I wasn’t really that hungry, but I felt fidgety, and I wanted something to do with my hands. After our drinks had been delivered, Drew cleared his throat.

“I am sorry, for everything. I’ve been thinking a lot about how things went down, and… It was the wrong way for them to happen.” He looked away from me, peering out into the terminal and staring at the people walking by.

“I wasn’t always right either, Drewbie.” I said, my voice softer than I had expected it to be.

“I know. But the ending… That was entirely me.”

I waited, to see if he was going to elaborate, but the waitress interrupted, setting down the appetizer in front of us. Drew reached forward, and chewed on a bite thoughtfully, and I cursed myself for ordering them at all.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was waiting for Drew to say something, hoping I didn’t need to pry, but it was clear that he was concentrating on eating now – because of nerves, or hunger, or just because he was done saying what he had to say, I didn’t know. But, I knew I still had questions that I wanted answered.

“What happened to your girlfriend? Does she know you’re here?”

Drew stopped chewing and eyed me carefully. I watched him swallow.

“We broke up.” He said.

“Who dumped who?” I asked. It was none of my business, and hadn’t been a question on my list, but I found myself curious.

“I guess, technically she dumped me. But, it was kind of a mutual thing. She wanted something, and I wouldn’t give it to her. I knew if I didn’t, she’d be gone. It wasn’t enough to make me give in.”

I wanted to ask what it was that she wanted, but knew it wasn’t my place. “That’s how it was with Seth. I cared about him, so much that I think I would have actually married him. But, when he asked me to move away… I just couldn’t. I realized that meant I probably didn’t love him enough, so…”

“Do you miss him?” Drew asked. That question surprised me, and at first, all I could do was shrug.

“Sometimes. He was a good guy, and like I said, I did care about him. But it’s not like it was with Jason, or with you. I’m sad we’re not really close anymore, but not sad it ended.” I took another bite and then said “why did you come, Drew?”

He didn’t look away from me, as I half expected him too. He stared right at me for a few moments, and then began to speak.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer that question. I knew you would ask. I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer everything – why I did what I did, why I shut you out. I can’t really explain it. I wanted you for so long, Ella. Since we were kids. For you, it was always about Jason, and for me, it was always about you. I spent so long telling myself to get over you, that you were always going to be in love with Jason, that when I finally had you, I just couldn’t stop thinking that way. When I heard you slept with Jason… That’s all I could think about. You were always going to be his. I knew I could have stuck around, but in my mind, you were going to go back to him, it was just a matter of time, and either I could end things now and move on, or it would end later. I figured later would just hurt more.” He looked down at his hands now. “But, it did still hurt. A lot more than I thought and I think… I just had to shut myself off for a while.”

I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. I understood all of what he said, knew where he was coming from, and believed it all, but… I was still hurt. I was still angry. I was still upset that things happened the way that they did. He couldn’t turn back time, and neither could I so… What now? And even though he explained why he had done what he had done, he still didn’t explain why he came.

“I get it. But, why did you come now? What do you want from me? And how did you even know I’d be here?”

“Your Dad came by to check on some stuff at the house for Matt. He told Matt. Matt told me. Matt actually yelled at me.” He said, smirking at the last part.

I couldn’t be mad at my Dad. I never told him not to tell anyone I was coming in, I just figured he wouldn’t talk to anyone. I also couldn’t be mad at Matt, but I was confused as to why he would tell Drew, and why he would yell at him.

“He yelled at you?” I asked.

“He told me I was an idiot. That I was going to lose you and if I kept being so slow by the time I realized it, it was going to be too late.”

I was stunned for a second, that Matt would do that – encourage Drew to come after me when I knew he wanted me, but then I realized what Drew was saying.

“What does that mean, exactly?” I asked. Nerves jumbled in the pit of my stomach.

“To be honest, I don’t know. I think we took it way too fast last time – we’ve known each other forever so I realize that’s easy to do but…” He trailed off. He looked really nervous. “I guess, I was just wondering, if maybe we could, you know, start over?”

I nodded. “Sure, that’s fine.”

We walked and got my bags and Cumulus, and walked out to load them up into Drew’s car. We drove home in silence, each of us lost in thought. I didn’t expect this at all, and it was going to take some time to really let it sit in. When I looked up, I saw Drew had taken me to my house, not to my parents, so I guess that solved one decision to make. I was a little nervous about seeing Matt, but I was also a little grateful.

“One last thing, El.” Drew said as he dropped my bags on the porch. I had already let Cumulus out of his crate and he was happily peeing on everything in the front yard.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“If you’re free tonight, I’d really love to see you. Around eight?”

“Sure. See you then, Drew.” I said, unable to hide the smile.

Cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you

Much to the annoyance of the people behind me, I stopped in my tracks. I got bumped from behind, but still didn’t move, and barely heard the grumbles of complaints behind me. I didn’t know what to do, I was rooted to the spots. Part of me was really excited, he had come for me. But part of me, probably the practical part, still had doubts. Maybe it was all a coincidence, maybe he was here to pick up someone else – his Mom, or his girlfriend. I hated told anyone I would be coming in, and I don’t know how he would have found out. My parents were the only ones who knew, and I highly doubted Drew had randomly called them.

Still, I could see from the look on his face that he was searching for someone, and in slow motion it seemed, I watched him find me. From the look on his face, it was clear. He was nervous to see me, but not surprised. How he came to find out I was here, I don’t know. But he was here for me.

I watched him make his way over to me. I wasn’t sure what to do. An irrational part of me was actually angry – who was he to just ambush me like this? I looked terrible, I was tired, and I was totally unprepared. But another, calmer part of me realized that when I had left for Colorado, this had been what I wanted. For Drew to show up and…. And do what? I had no idea what I wanted. I also had no idea what he wanted.

“Hi.” He said. He looked good. Tired, but good.

“Hi.” I answered. Then I cleared my throat. “I, uh, wasn’t expecting you.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I asked, confused.

“For everything?” He said, smiling a goofy half smile and running a hand through his hair. “More specifically though for just randomly popping up here, now.”

“Well. I don’t know yet if I’m happy about it. Why are you here? How did you even know I was coming?” I tried to keep my tone even, but I realized it came out with a little bit of an accusing edge. I couldn’t help it, I was tired of being in limbo with Drew – I wanted answers.

“Why don’t we go somewhere and talk? We’re kind of holding up traffic here.”

“Fine, but it needs to be someplace here, and it can’t be too long. Cue is waiting in a kennel somewhere, and he’ll probably be waking up soon.”

Drew led me to a nearly empty restaurant that wasn’t too far from the gate. I wondered if he had already decided on that even before I got here. I suddenly feared that he had bad news to tell me – maybe he was engaged. Maybe he figured I’d freak out less if we were in public.

We ordered drinks, and I also put in an order for an appetizer. I wasn’t really that hungry, but I felt fidgety, and I wanted something to do with my hands. After our drinks had been delivered, Drew cleared his throat.

“I am sorry, for everything. I’ve been thinking a lot about how things went down, and… It was the wrong way for them to happen.” He looked away from me, peering out into the terminal and staring at the people walking by.

“I wasn’t always right either, Drewbie.” I said, my voice softer than I had expected it to be.

“I know. But the ending… That was entirely me.”

I waited, to see if he was going to elaborate, but the waitress interrupted, setting down the appetizer in front of us. Drew reached forward, and chewed on a bite thoughtfully, and I cursed myself for ordering them at all.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was waiting for Drew to say something, hoping I didn’t need to pry, but it was clear that he was concentrating on eating now – because of nerves, or hunger, or just because he was done saying what he had to say, I didn’t know. But, I knew I still had questions that I wanted answered.

“What happened to your girlfriend? Does she know you’re here?”

Drew stopped chewing and eyed me carefully. I watched him swallow.

“We broke up.” He said.

“Who dumped who?” I asked. It was none of my business, and hadn’t been a question on my list, but I found myself curious.

“I guess, technically she dumped me. But, it was kind of a mutual thing. She wanted something, and I wouldn’t give it to her. I knew if I didn’t, she’d be gone. It wasn’t enough to make me give in.”

I wanted to ask what it was that she wanted, but knew it wasn’t my place. “That’s how it was with Seth. I cared about him, so much that I think I would have actually married him. But, when he asked me to move away… I just couldn’t. I realized that meant I probably didn’t love him enough, so…”

“Do you miss him?” Drew asked. That question surprised me, and at first, all I could do was shrug.

“Sometimes. He was a good guy, and like I said, I did care about him. But it’s not like it was with Jason, or with you. I’m sad we’re not really close anymore, but not sad it ended.” I took another bite and then said “why did you come, Drew?”

He didn’t look away from me, as I half expected him too. He stared right at me for a few moments, and then began to speak.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer that question. I knew you would ask. I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer everything – why I did what I did, why I shut you out. I can’t really explain it. I wanted you for so long, Ella. Since we were kids. For you, it was always about Jason, and for me, it was always about you. I spent so long telling myself to get over you, that you were always going to be in love with Jason, that when I finally had you, I just couldn’t stop thinking that way. When I heard you slept with Jason… That’s all I could think about. You were always going to be his. I knew I could have stuck around, but in my mind, you were going to go back to him, it was just a matter of time, and either I could end things now and move on, or it would end later. I figured later would just hurt more.” He looked down at his hands now. “But, it did still hurt. A lot more than I thought and I think… I just had to shut myself off for a while.”

I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. I understood all of what he said, knew where he was coming from, and believed it all, but… I was still hurt. I was still angry. I was still upset that things happened the way that they did. He couldn’t turn back time, and neither could I so… What now? And even though he explained why he had done what he had done, he still didn’t explain why he came.

“I get it. But, why did you come now? What do you want from me? And how did you even know I’d be here?”

“Your Dad came by to check on some stuff at the house for Matt. He told Matt. Matt told me. Matt actually yelled at me.” He said, smirking at the last part.

I couldn’t be mad at my Dad. I never told him not to tell anyone I was coming in, I just figured he wouldn’t talk to anyone. I also couldn’t be mad at Matt, but I was confused as to why he would tell Drew, and why he would yell at him.

“He yelled at you?” I asked.

“He told me I was an idiot. That I was going to lose you and if I kept being so slow by the time I realized it, it was going to be too late.”

I was stunned for a second, that Matt would do that – encourage Drew to come after me when I knew he wanted me, but then I realized what Drew was saying.

“What does that mean, exactly?” I asked. Nerves jumbled in the pit of my stomach.

“To be honest, I don’t know. I think we took it way too fast last time – we’ve known each other forever so I realize that’s easy to do but…” He trailed off. He looked really nervous. “I guess, I was just wondering, if maybe we could, you know, start over?”

I nodded. “Sure, that’s fine.”

We walked and got my bags and Cumulus, and walked out to load them up into Drew’s car. We drove home in silence, each of us lost in thought. I didn’t expect this at all, and it was going to take some time to really let it sit in. When I looked up, I saw Drew had taken me to my house, not to my parents, so I guess that solved one decision to make. I was a little nervous about seeing Matt, but I was also a little grateful.

“One last thing, El.” Drew said as he dropped my bags on the porch. I had already let Cumulus out of his crate and he was happily peeing on everything in the front yard.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“If you’re free tonight, I’d really love to see you. Around eight?”

“Sure. See you then, Drew.” I said, unable to hide the smile.

Monday Dec. 26th: I hope you guys had a wonderful holiday. I had planned to have a post up by now, especially since Jer only had a half day on Saturday and then Sunday and today off, buuuuut it was a LOT crazier than we thought it would be, and I honestly did not have any time to write (and Cayden has been on the war path, too much Christmas, I think.) I'm hoping that tomorrow the boys will be occupied with their new toys (normally I would scoff at that, since as we all know, kids like the boxes better than the toys, but they seriously got SO much that there's still 1/2 the toys they got in the play room that they haven't touched since opening them Christmas Eve.) And I can bang out a post. Worst case scenario, Jeremy is taking a half day on Thursday so we can go out of town for a friend's birthday party. It's an hour and a half drive time so I can bring my lap top and write in the car, but I'm really hoping not to make you guys wait that long.

New post below. I'm going to try not to leave you guys hanging on this one and get one up before Christmas, but again no promises - Jer's day off is Wednesday and we have to go to my in laws (ugh) and I'm going to try to see if I can get Eli's vaccines done that day so he might be a barrel of fun.

I also got the comment about the date thing and I'm so sorry! I didn't realize it wasn't showing what day I posted. I will play with my settings and see if I can fix it, but if I can't, I will try to include the day/date in the posting when I do it. (Today is Monday the 19th)

I also read some of the comments on the end of the bedroom blog, and I do want to apologize for being so flaky with posting. I saw how hard people took that blog ending (and I totally understand, and feel the ending was weak as well.) On the one hand, I can see where Jessica is coming from. I've only been writing this blog for a year or two (and not consistently) and I am running out of things to write about. She wrote for 6 years. But, on the other hand, I do think it stinks that all these big plans were happening, and we didn't get to see any of it. I realized it was a dating blog, and I didn't expect it to last after the wedding, but I was hoping they'd let us see the wedding, and maybe pass it on to a new voice - hand it over to Sarah, or meet K's single cousin who would then take us on her journey, ya know?

But again, from Jessica's point... It's hard to keep coming up with new stuff to write about. And maybe after 6 years she wanted a change. I know from my point... I would love to be able to update you guys daily and have the time to write, but life gets in the way. Since I don't work, my job is taking care of kids and taking care of the house. I won't get into all that again, cuz I know we've been over and over and over it... But I guess I just want to say as a reader of blogs, I do understand how frustrating it must have been - and I really am sorry and will try to be more consistent and give you guys an ending that is awesome.

If I don't post before Christmas, I do hope you all have Happy Holidays.

You don't really want to stay, but you don't really want to go

Things slowly began to get better. Santana and I were hanging out a little – we weren’t best friends by any means, but the chilly reception he had been giving me (read: acting like I didn’t exist) had melted. We did some lunches together. We occasionally hung out on our breaks. Not only did it ease up on the loneliness, but it seemed to give me some credibility with the girls, and we were slowly making progress there.

I was drawing close to my first break. I got a long weekend off and I needed to decide whether or not I should go home. My Dad offered to pay for the plane ticket, and I knew he missed me, but I just wasn’t really sure if I should be home right now. Of course, I didn’t really have anywhere else to go. I could rent a hotel room in town and just stay here, but that seemed like a waste of money. So, even though I was unsure, I called my father and told him to go ahead and book tickets home for me. I wasn’t sure if I would tell anyone I was home, or just stay with my parents and away from Matt and possibly Drew, if he had in fact moved in with Toni down the street. I decided that could wait until I got home to actually be determined.

I was also worried about leaving the girls. We had made some progress and I was worried my leaving them would mess that all up. I went into breakfast the morning before feeling down. I was uneasy about my decision to go home, I was undecided about whether or not I should see anyone, and I was nervous about leaving the girls.

“Turn that frown upside down.” Micah joked, plopping down next to me. “You should be happy, you’re busting out of here!”

“I know. I’m just tired. And honestly I’m terrified I’m going to come back and the girls are going to totally hate me all over again. It took us this long to move three steps forward.”

“You think five days is going to take you three steps back?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Yes. And I think my fears are well founded. We just haven’t clicked yet and I’m not sure it’s going to happen.”

“It’ll happen, Ella. It just takes them longer, but once they click, they click for life.” She said. “Why don’t you do something fun before you leave?”

“Bribe them?” I asked, smiling.

“Noooo. Bond with them. Make them have fun. They’re probably going to get stuck with Judy and you know how she’s such a stick in the mud. They’ll remember how much fun you were, then get hit with how much Judy sucks, and that’ll make them even more happy to see you when you get back.”

“But I leave tomorrow. So, what am I going to do tonight?”

She paused, thinking. Then suddenly she snapped her fingers. “I know. Spa party. I heard Judy say they needed to run into the town, have her pick you up some junk food. I have a bunch of spa stuff I was going to use with my girls, face masks and nail polish and junk. You can have it. Just pick me up some more when you’re home.”

“That’s a really good idea.” I said, and with that I ran off to find Judy to give her a list of food I wanted.

I not only had a lot of junk food and soda (which my girls hadn’t had since they come from home, since it wasn’t served unless an adult bought it for a treat.) but I managed to snag Santana’s ipod and speakers. He even put together a play list for me that he said was not too risqué, but promised the girls would still enjoy. I promised to keep an eye on it (things like that had a habit of walking away) and to drop it off before I left for my flight the next morning.

I hadn’t told the girls what was going on, so when it was time for dinner, and I told them to stay in the cabin, they were confused and a little angry.

“Why we gotta wait Miss Ella? Food’s gonna get cold.” Infone said, crossing her arms across her chest.

“We’re not going down there. We’re going to stay here. Go on back upstairs girls.”

“This isn’t funny, I’m hungry.” Harmony complained. She was a tiny girl but she was always hungry.

“Relax guys. I have food for you. I thought we’d do something fun before y’all get rid of me for a few days.” I pointed to the bags and watched the girls rifle through them.

I had gotten subs for dinner, and several different kinds of chips. There were snack cakes and candy, and soda. I was going to sugar the girls up, and I knew I probably wouldn’t get much sleep tonight, but I didn’t know how much sleep I would get anyway, worrying about going home.to the bags and watched the girls rifle through them.

I had gotten subs for dinner, and several different kinds of chips. There were snack cakes and candy, and soda. I was going to sugar the girls up, and I knew I probably wouldn’t get much sleep tonight, but I didn’t know how much sleep I would get anyway, worrying about going home.

“Why you doin all this?” Jaleesa asked, skeptical. She did grab a couple of the bags and head for the stairs.

I shrugged. “Do I have to have a reason? It sounded like fun. I get to go and get a break, I figured you guys deserved one too. We’ll eat and then Micah gave me some stuff to give each other facials and paint our nails.”

At first it was a little awkward. While the girls had been more tolerant of me, they still weren’t used to talking openly, so they were pretty quiet, but the more they ate, the more they started to joke and dance and open up.

I didn’t know that most of the girls liked to write, especially Jaleesa. I promised to bring them all journals when I came back, and we talked about doing a weekly writing assignment. I forgot all about being nervous about going home, and instead loosened up, dancing and singing with the girls, painting their nails, and even busting out my make up to make them over.

I even ended up falling asleep with them, all of us piled onto the floor.

I had forgotten to set my alarm, and I awoke the next morning to shaking.

“Miss Ella, get up! You’re going to be late! Mr. Tana’s here, he said he’s driving you in and you have to leave in ten minutes!”

Shit. Shit shit shit. I grabbed my cosmetics and ran down stairs, throwing random things in a bag. I might have to swing by home to pick up some clothes, I was in such a hurry I wasn’t sure I packed enough. I threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and threw my hair up in a ponytail.

“Be good girls!” I called.

“Miss Ella!” Infone yelled.

“What?” I asked, turning around, wondering if I forgot something.

“Your nose, Miss Ella, you have one of those things on it.”

I reached up and touched my nose and felt a hard cover. My pore strip thingy. I must have fallen asleep with it on. I pulled it off and cringed.

“Ouch. Thanks! Be good!” I said, running out the door. “The dog! I almost forgot the dog!” I said, running back.

“Mr. Tana already took him. Go on Miss Ella!”

This ride back to the airport was different. This time, Santana was trying to make small talk, and I was the one giving him the cold shoulder. I was just still so groggy and now the nervousness was starting to hit me again.

“You excited to be going home?” He asked.

I shrugged. “I guess.”

“Really?” He asked, glancing over at me. “Cuz you sound estatic.” He said, smiling.

“I’m just tired.”

The rest of the drive was in silence. We got to the airport, Santana helped me with my bags and got a cart so I could push Cumulus in his giant crate. I had slipped him something to make him sleep during the flight, and he was already passed out.

“Well. Thanks for the ride.” I said, rifling through my bag for my ID.

I was a little speechless when he reached for me to pull me in a hug.

“It’ll be OK Ella. Whatever you’re worried about, it’ll turn out fine.”

I hadn’t realized how much that calmed me down until I reached the plane and sat down in my seat. I was actually able to fall asleep. Santana was right. Whatever I faced at home was not that big of deal, I’d handle it and get over it.

I woke when we landed, and I was still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes while searching for my Dad who was supposed to be picking me up.

That’s when I saw him. It wasn't my father, and my heart nearly stopped.

Look for a post either tomorrow, Friday, or Sunday. We had a plumbing issue so my husband had to switch his days off and it really threw off my schedule. My sister is taking my older son for the night tomorrow so I may be able to get something up either tomorrow, Friday before he comes home during Eli's nap, or Sunday when he's home all day.

ETA: Remember when I said cursed? Yeah. It strikes again. Eli was in the ER last week because he had a nasty case of croup that we could not get to calm down. He's home, he's better, the post is *almost* done (I usually write 2.5 pages, it's almost to two) Unless tomorrow is a total trainwreck, look for it tomorrow afternoon.

New post below

Sorry it's late. Of course, as soon as I said "I'll have it up as long as Eli naps" Eli woke up. ANd I was going to finish it last night, but it was such a horrible day I just went to bed.

Also, this was posted in the comments, and I wanted to post it in a main post because I know not everyone reads the comments/goes back and reads comments, and if anyone has any advice, I think it would be appreciated :-)

*Totally off-topic question: Does anyone know how common it may or may not be to have an older dog (going on 13 years) experience a stroke? My little guy went from "normal" to drugged-acting over the course of an afternoon. He started randomly walking up to walls, stopping and staring in an unfocused way at the wall, became unresponsive (didn't seem to acknowledge us at all), "dragged" his hind-end (kind of looked like dead-weight) around somewhat, shook, his eye was bulging and very red...lets see: what else? He ate very little (even his favorite canned food that he normally wolfs down in practically one bite), "listed" or leaned to one side, seemed to be off-balence...just all-around spacey and drooping, also. Of course, we took him to our vet (he'd just been in the week before for shots-boosters and to have a patch of fur that'd fallen out on his ribs looked at)...he was fine at that appt. They thought he looked great for a dog his age. We had his teeth worked on extensively (had to have some pulled) this past September...but he's been good since. Sleeping more lately, but we attributed that to him losing his sister of the same age this past July (she had a tumor). I automatically thought all his symptoms (came out of nowhere) resembled a stroke, and I brought that up to the vet on Wednesday. He was very definitive about it NOT being a stroke, but didn't really offer any reasons why not. (Background: I don't like this guy. This appt. was the 2nd time we'd gotten stuck with him, and neither time was positive; he's arrogant, too eager to appear over-the-top knowledgeable, condescending, and unpleasant when I ask how much something is going to cost. I had the front-desk women note in our file not to give him to us again). Anyway, the lady vet who called me back yesterday am with test results told me the direct opposite: he very well COULD have had a stroke. Naturally, they don't really know anything definitive.

Opinions? (I know Laura is a dog-lover, and there are other animal-people on here as well). He's WAY better now...almost back to his "normal" self...only a couple of days after being so sick-acting. Such extreme changes really make me think it was a stroke - but I don't know.

---- I don't really have any advice for you (I haven't had an experience like this) But I'm also wondering if it might be a brain tumor or something? I believe in humans those can act up and cause symptoms and then the person goes back to being fine, I think it's the same in animals. But I wanted to post it up here in case anyone else could help you out! -----

I'm looking for a place, searching for a face... Is there anybody here I know?

Taking off after a random dog barking in the middle of the night in pitch black woods was not the smartest move I’ve ever made. I ran smack dab into a tree branch, scratching and probably bruising my face. Still, all I could think about was Cue, lost in the woods all night, and I kept going.

I found him in a ditch. He was shaking, he was wet, his fur was covered in burrs and sticks and random items. He smelled like he had found something dead, ate it, then threw it up and rolled in it. I didn’t care. I dropped to my knees and hugged him.

By now, Santana and the girls had caught up with me.

“Ew, Miss Ella, don’t hug that think, he stinks.” One of the girls called out.

“You guys better get used to that smell, because you’re going to be bathing him. In your shower.” Santana told them.

A chorus of “No way Mr. Tana” rang out, along with another few choice words. Santana held up his hand.

“You ladies need to learn that for every action there is a consequence. Sometimes that consequence is good, sometimes it’s not – it really depends on your actions. Your actions stunk, so now you get to deal with the stench.”

The girls grumbled again, but this time it was under their breath, and Santana ignored them.

We made the trek back to our cabin. I knew Que wouldn’t run off, but I still kept a finger looped to his collar just in case.

“Why don’t you run down to the kitchen and get him some of those leftover burgers? He’s got to be starving. I’ll watch the girls and make them give him a bath.” He looked down at Cumulus. “We may have to cut some of his fur.”

I nodded. “I figured that. Just don’t hurt him, OK?”

Santana nodded, and off I ran to get Cumulus all the people food he could eat.

Later, after Cumulus had gotten his hair cut (he did not look pretty, some fur had matted and needed cut out, other parts had burrs so tangled it couldn’t come out either, so he had chunks of fur missing all over) and gotten a bath, the girls had showered and were in bed. Santana was still around, sitting on my bed when I came down from lights out.

“Thank you. For helping me find him.” I said, not really sure why he was still there. He nodded. I waited a moment. “And thanks for spending your night off with us. You didn’t have too.”

“I know.” He said. He almost sounded defensive.

“Why did you do it? You told me you didn’t want to be friends. And this is something a friend would do for another friend.”

“I never said I didn’t want to be friends.”

“Yes you did. I believe your exact words were you didn’t want to know me, or something. It’s hard to be friends with someone when you don’t know them.”

He shot me a side look, studying me again. I crossed my arms against my chest and leaned against the stair case door.

“I wanted to help you because you were sad. And just because I didn’t like you, didn’t mean I couldn’t feel badly for you. It didn’t mean I couldn’t feel for the dog. The girls didn’t like you – they took it out on your dog. That wasn’t fair to the dog. He didn’t do anything.”

“Gee thanks, so I guess the girls should have gotten me lost in the woods?”

He sighed. “That’s not what I said, or what I meant Ella. I just try to teach these kids that you have to deal with your problems head on. A lot of time they take their anger at their Mom who is in jail, or their Dad who is a deadbeats, and they take it out on someone else. I want to teach these kids that they need to have a problem with the person they have a problem with – and how to deal with it properly.”

“I get it. I guess. But you still didn’t need to help me.”

“How about you just say thanks?”

“I already did. But, I will again. Thank you. Really. You said you thought I’d only last a week… And honestly it’s been hard. Que is my only link to home and it was really hard to think I’d lost him.”

“I was thinking about what you said – before, about not knowing your background. I’m sorry about that. The thing is… I used to come here. When I was a kid. I was a real hellion.” He said, smiling and looking embarrassed at the same time. “Anyway… This place, it saved me. But, we did have people who came in here and they just… They wanted to seem like they cared, and they didn’t. I was just someone’s project. Someone’s way to make them feel better about themselves. It made me angry, and it made me resent new people. Anyway, thanks to the people who were really here for the long haul… I got my act together. I got it right, and I came back here to help save other kids.” He paused for a moment, looking away. “So. Basically I did to you what I tell the kids not to do. I had a problem with someone else and I took it out on you. I apologize.”

I was quiet for a moment, contemplating how I should respond to all this information. It was hard to picture Santana as a kid, an angry kid at that. Though he had been shut off… I don’t know. I guess it shouldn’t have been surprising.

“Well. You were kind of right. I hate it here.”

“Why? The girls? They’re just giving you shit.”

“It’s the girls. It’s the people. It’s the fact that this just isn’t home. The girls… I can’t say I love them, because I don’t, but I know they’re just trying to protect themselves. I don’t blame them for how they are. But, they don’t like me. And honestly it hurts. My kids at home… They adore me. Sure, I get newcomers who aren’t always sure, but they tend to warm up pretty quickly. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to prove myself to anyone, and it’s discouraging and lonely and frustrating. I miss my kids at home. I’m worried about how the agency is doing, and how they’ll manage if they go under. I miss my friends. And honestly, I left my life kind of a mess, and I just feel… Unsettled because of it. I don’t know. I came out here to get away and clear my head, to meet new people, to learn new things. And I don’t feel like I’m doing any of it. I just want to go home.”

“Maybe you needed to come here, not to clear you head, but to better appreciate what you have at home. It’s easy to take things for granted when they’re in front of your face day in and day out. It’ll get easier, Ella. The girls will warm up to you. By the end of it, you won’t want to leave.” He stood. “I better let you get to sleep.”

“Well, thanks again, for helping.”

“Thanks for forgiving me. I’ll see you around.”

I nodded and he shut the door behind him.

I was left in total silence, other than the sound of Cumulus snoring on my bed. I didn’t realize how lonely I was, until I had an actual conversation with a person. I realized how badly I missed talking to people, confiding in them. It was almost enough to make me reach for the phone and call Matt, or even maybe Drew. But I couldn’t. So I didn’t.

What Santana had said, about appreciating what you had… He was right. I appreciated everything I had with the boys, now that I didn’t have it anymore, and now that I was far enough removed from the mess that it had ended up becoming. But was that enough? Or was it already too late? And how did I find out if it was too late? I had tried to be totally honest with Drew, and it hadn’t mattered. The ball was in his court now, and he wasn’t making a move. With Matt… Well. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. So shouldn’t I just stay away? Maybe it would just be easier if I completely started over. I came here to find answers, and I didn’t have anything. And having nothing was awful lonely.

Working on a new post now - should be up later as long as Eli actually takes a nap. Both boys are sick with a cold and Eli is not sleeping well at all, and it's impossible to get anything done while he's awake.