You don't really want to stay, but you don't really want to go

Things slowly began to get better. Santana and I were hanging out a little – we weren’t best friends by any means, but the chilly reception he had been giving me (read: acting like I didn’t exist) had melted. We did some lunches together. We occasionally hung out on our breaks. Not only did it ease up on the loneliness, but it seemed to give me some credibility with the girls, and we were slowly making progress there.

I was drawing close to my first break. I got a long weekend off and I needed to decide whether or not I should go home. My Dad offered to pay for the plane ticket, and I knew he missed me, but I just wasn’t really sure if I should be home right now. Of course, I didn’t really have anywhere else to go. I could rent a hotel room in town and just stay here, but that seemed like a waste of money. So, even though I was unsure, I called my father and told him to go ahead and book tickets home for me. I wasn’t sure if I would tell anyone I was home, or just stay with my parents and away from Matt and possibly Drew, if he had in fact moved in with Toni down the street. I decided that could wait until I got home to actually be determined.

I was also worried about leaving the girls. We had made some progress and I was worried my leaving them would mess that all up. I went into breakfast the morning before feeling down. I was uneasy about my decision to go home, I was undecided about whether or not I should see anyone, and I was nervous about leaving the girls.

“Turn that frown upside down.” Micah joked, plopping down next to me. “You should be happy, you’re busting out of here!”

“I know. I’m just tired. And honestly I’m terrified I’m going to come back and the girls are going to totally hate me all over again. It took us this long to move three steps forward.”

“You think five days is going to take you three steps back?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Yes. And I think my fears are well founded. We just haven’t clicked yet and I’m not sure it’s going to happen.”

“It’ll happen, Ella. It just takes them longer, but once they click, they click for life.” She said. “Why don’t you do something fun before you leave?”

“Bribe them?” I asked, smiling.

“Noooo. Bond with them. Make them have fun. They’re probably going to get stuck with Judy and you know how she’s such a stick in the mud. They’ll remember how much fun you were, then get hit with how much Judy sucks, and that’ll make them even more happy to see you when you get back.”

“But I leave tomorrow. So, what am I going to do tonight?”

She paused, thinking. Then suddenly she snapped her fingers. “I know. Spa party. I heard Judy say they needed to run into the town, have her pick you up some junk food. I have a bunch of spa stuff I was going to use with my girls, face masks and nail polish and junk. You can have it. Just pick me up some more when you’re home.”

“That’s a really good idea.” I said, and with that I ran off to find Judy to give her a list of food I wanted.

I not only had a lot of junk food and soda (which my girls hadn’t had since they come from home, since it wasn’t served unless an adult bought it for a treat.) but I managed to snag Santana’s ipod and speakers. He even put together a play list for me that he said was not too risqué, but promised the girls would still enjoy. I promised to keep an eye on it (things like that had a habit of walking away) and to drop it off before I left for my flight the next morning.

I hadn’t told the girls what was going on, so when it was time for dinner, and I told them to stay in the cabin, they were confused and a little angry.

“Why we gotta wait Miss Ella? Food’s gonna get cold.” Infone said, crossing her arms across her chest.

“We’re not going down there. We’re going to stay here. Go on back upstairs girls.”

“This isn’t funny, I’m hungry.” Harmony complained. She was a tiny girl but she was always hungry.

“Relax guys. I have food for you. I thought we’d do something fun before y’all get rid of me for a few days.” I pointed to the bags and watched the girls rifle through them.

I had gotten subs for dinner, and several different kinds of chips. There were snack cakes and candy, and soda. I was going to sugar the girls up, and I knew I probably wouldn’t get much sleep tonight, but I didn’t know how much sleep I would get anyway, worrying about going home.to the bags and watched the girls rifle through them.

I had gotten subs for dinner, and several different kinds of chips. There were snack cakes and candy, and soda. I was going to sugar the girls up, and I knew I probably wouldn’t get much sleep tonight, but I didn’t know how much sleep I would get anyway, worrying about going home.

“Why you doin all this?” Jaleesa asked, skeptical. She did grab a couple of the bags and head for the stairs.

I shrugged. “Do I have to have a reason? It sounded like fun. I get to go and get a break, I figured you guys deserved one too. We’ll eat and then Micah gave me some stuff to give each other facials and paint our nails.”

At first it was a little awkward. While the girls had been more tolerant of me, they still weren’t used to talking openly, so they were pretty quiet, but the more they ate, the more they started to joke and dance and open up.

I didn’t know that most of the girls liked to write, especially Jaleesa. I promised to bring them all journals when I came back, and we talked about doing a weekly writing assignment. I forgot all about being nervous about going home, and instead loosened up, dancing and singing with the girls, painting their nails, and even busting out my make up to make them over.

I even ended up falling asleep with them, all of us piled onto the floor.

I had forgotten to set my alarm, and I awoke the next morning to shaking.

“Miss Ella, get up! You’re going to be late! Mr. Tana’s here, he said he’s driving you in and you have to leave in ten minutes!”

Shit. Shit shit shit. I grabbed my cosmetics and ran down stairs, throwing random things in a bag. I might have to swing by home to pick up some clothes, I was in such a hurry I wasn’t sure I packed enough. I threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and threw my hair up in a ponytail.

“Be good girls!” I called.

“Miss Ella!” Infone yelled.

“What?” I asked, turning around, wondering if I forgot something.

“Your nose, Miss Ella, you have one of those things on it.”

I reached up and touched my nose and felt a hard cover. My pore strip thingy. I must have fallen asleep with it on. I pulled it off and cringed.

“Ouch. Thanks! Be good!” I said, running out the door. “The dog! I almost forgot the dog!” I said, running back.

“Mr. Tana already took him. Go on Miss Ella!”

This ride back to the airport was different. This time, Santana was trying to make small talk, and I was the one giving him the cold shoulder. I was just still so groggy and now the nervousness was starting to hit me again.

“You excited to be going home?” He asked.

I shrugged. “I guess.”

“Really?” He asked, glancing over at me. “Cuz you sound estatic.” He said, smiling.

“I’m just tired.”

The rest of the drive was in silence. We got to the airport, Santana helped me with my bags and got a cart so I could push Cumulus in his giant crate. I had slipped him something to make him sleep during the flight, and he was already passed out.

“Well. Thanks for the ride.” I said, rifling through my bag for my ID.

I was a little speechless when he reached for me to pull me in a hug.

“It’ll be OK Ella. Whatever you’re worried about, it’ll turn out fine.”

I hadn’t realized how much that calmed me down until I reached the plane and sat down in my seat. I was actually able to fall asleep. Santana was right. Whatever I faced at home was not that big of deal, I’d handle it and get over it.

I woke when we landed, and I was still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes while searching for my Dad who was supposed to be picking me up.

That’s when I saw him. It wasn't my father, and my heart nearly stopped.