I'm looking for a place, searching for a face... Is there anybody here I know?

Taking off after a random dog barking in the middle of the night in pitch black woods was not the smartest move I’ve ever made. I ran smack dab into a tree branch, scratching and probably bruising my face. Still, all I could think about was Cue, lost in the woods all night, and I kept going.

I found him in a ditch. He was shaking, he was wet, his fur was covered in burrs and sticks and random items. He smelled like he had found something dead, ate it, then threw it up and rolled in it. I didn’t care. I dropped to my knees and hugged him.

By now, Santana and the girls had caught up with me.

“Ew, Miss Ella, don’t hug that think, he stinks.” One of the girls called out.

“You guys better get used to that smell, because you’re going to be bathing him. In your shower.” Santana told them.

A chorus of “No way Mr. Tana” rang out, along with another few choice words. Santana held up his hand.

“You ladies need to learn that for every action there is a consequence. Sometimes that consequence is good, sometimes it’s not – it really depends on your actions. Your actions stunk, so now you get to deal with the stench.”

The girls grumbled again, but this time it was under their breath, and Santana ignored them.

We made the trek back to our cabin. I knew Que wouldn’t run off, but I still kept a finger looped to his collar just in case.

“Why don’t you run down to the kitchen and get him some of those leftover burgers? He’s got to be starving. I’ll watch the girls and make them give him a bath.” He looked down at Cumulus. “We may have to cut some of his fur.”

I nodded. “I figured that. Just don’t hurt him, OK?”

Santana nodded, and off I ran to get Cumulus all the people food he could eat.

Later, after Cumulus had gotten his hair cut (he did not look pretty, some fur had matted and needed cut out, other parts had burrs so tangled it couldn’t come out either, so he had chunks of fur missing all over) and gotten a bath, the girls had showered and were in bed. Santana was still around, sitting on my bed when I came down from lights out.

“Thank you. For helping me find him.” I said, not really sure why he was still there. He nodded. I waited a moment. “And thanks for spending your night off with us. You didn’t have too.”

“I know.” He said. He almost sounded defensive.

“Why did you do it? You told me you didn’t want to be friends. And this is something a friend would do for another friend.”

“I never said I didn’t want to be friends.”

“Yes you did. I believe your exact words were you didn’t want to know me, or something. It’s hard to be friends with someone when you don’t know them.”

He shot me a side look, studying me again. I crossed my arms against my chest and leaned against the stair case door.

“I wanted to help you because you were sad. And just because I didn’t like you, didn’t mean I couldn’t feel badly for you. It didn’t mean I couldn’t feel for the dog. The girls didn’t like you – they took it out on your dog. That wasn’t fair to the dog. He didn’t do anything.”

“Gee thanks, so I guess the girls should have gotten me lost in the woods?”

He sighed. “That’s not what I said, or what I meant Ella. I just try to teach these kids that you have to deal with your problems head on. A lot of time they take their anger at their Mom who is in jail, or their Dad who is a deadbeats, and they take it out on someone else. I want to teach these kids that they need to have a problem with the person they have a problem with – and how to deal with it properly.”

“I get it. I guess. But you still didn’t need to help me.”

“How about you just say thanks?”

“I already did. But, I will again. Thank you. Really. You said you thought I’d only last a week… And honestly it’s been hard. Que is my only link to home and it was really hard to think I’d lost him.”

“I was thinking about what you said – before, about not knowing your background. I’m sorry about that. The thing is… I used to come here. When I was a kid. I was a real hellion.” He said, smiling and looking embarrassed at the same time. “Anyway… This place, it saved me. But, we did have people who came in here and they just… They wanted to seem like they cared, and they didn’t. I was just someone’s project. Someone’s way to make them feel better about themselves. It made me angry, and it made me resent new people. Anyway, thanks to the people who were really here for the long haul… I got my act together. I got it right, and I came back here to help save other kids.” He paused for a moment, looking away. “So. Basically I did to you what I tell the kids not to do. I had a problem with someone else and I took it out on you. I apologize.”

I was quiet for a moment, contemplating how I should respond to all this information. It was hard to picture Santana as a kid, an angry kid at that. Though he had been shut off… I don’t know. I guess it shouldn’t have been surprising.

“Well. You were kind of right. I hate it here.”

“Why? The girls? They’re just giving you shit.”

“It’s the girls. It’s the people. It’s the fact that this just isn’t home. The girls… I can’t say I love them, because I don’t, but I know they’re just trying to protect themselves. I don’t blame them for how they are. But, they don’t like me. And honestly it hurts. My kids at home… They adore me. Sure, I get newcomers who aren’t always sure, but they tend to warm up pretty quickly. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to prove myself to anyone, and it’s discouraging and lonely and frustrating. I miss my kids at home. I’m worried about how the agency is doing, and how they’ll manage if they go under. I miss my friends. And honestly, I left my life kind of a mess, and I just feel… Unsettled because of it. I don’t know. I came out here to get away and clear my head, to meet new people, to learn new things. And I don’t feel like I’m doing any of it. I just want to go home.”

“Maybe you needed to come here, not to clear you head, but to better appreciate what you have at home. It’s easy to take things for granted when they’re in front of your face day in and day out. It’ll get easier, Ella. The girls will warm up to you. By the end of it, you won’t want to leave.” He stood. “I better let you get to sleep.”

“Well, thanks again, for helping.”

“Thanks for forgiving me. I’ll see you around.”

I nodded and he shut the door behind him.

I was left in total silence, other than the sound of Cumulus snoring on my bed. I didn’t realize how lonely I was, until I had an actual conversation with a person. I realized how badly I missed talking to people, confiding in them. It was almost enough to make me reach for the phone and call Matt, or even maybe Drew. But I couldn’t. So I didn’t.

What Santana had said, about appreciating what you had… He was right. I appreciated everything I had with the boys, now that I didn’t have it anymore, and now that I was far enough removed from the mess that it had ended up becoming. But was that enough? Or was it already too late? And how did I find out if it was too late? I had tried to be totally honest with Drew, and it hadn’t mattered. The ball was in his court now, and he wasn’t making a move. With Matt… Well. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. So shouldn’t I just stay away? Maybe it would just be easier if I completely started over. I came here to find answers, and I didn’t have anything. And having nothing was awful lonely.