Just to keep you informed

Hey guys,

First of all, thanks for all of your wonderful comments! You don't always have to stroke my ego, but comments like that make me really happy to be back, and I appreciate them!

Secondly, I do have a second blog to keep up on baby news, and will be posting this there as well, but I know some of you don't read that one, and while I did say that this blog would pretty much be baby-news free, since it affects the blog, I thought I should post it here as well.

They have scheduled my c-section for November 30th. I was trying NOT to have a c-section, but based on some things, it may be the best route to go - however, if I go into labor on my own before then, I can try to labor and have this baby the old fashioned way. PLEASE hope that that happens! A regular birth would mean faster recovery time for me, which would probably mean less down time from the blog, so that's a win for everyone, correct?

What does the new baby mean for the blog? Well, it means the blog is going to go down again for a little bit - at least most likely. I AM hoping to be able to write ahead and schedule some posts to happen, buuuut I've been planning that all along and I haven't yet. But I'm still hoping to do so, and we DID get a laptop so that means I'll be able to write where-ever now, which may help.

I can't say how long the blog will go down, I really just have to play it by ear and see how things go. I do plan on posting when I can, so it may just mean that for a little bit we're not on a set schedule, but I will keep you informed, and I'm not quitting the blog. We just need to find our groove and I'll be back.

If I go into labor before then, a post may obviously be missed. Since we have the laptop and the hospital has wi-fi, if that were to happen, again, I'll try to let you all know (and let you know when he's here!) But please understand it's not my first priority.

I hope you all understand, and I hope it won't be TOO rocky!

...Well, I've had just enough time

The doctor waited for us all to sit down before he spoke. I couldn’t help but notice the way Chloe’s family looked at him – as if he was God. Which, I suppose in this instance, he was the closest a human was going to get to being a God.

“I don’t know how else to say this, other than to come right out with it… It’s not good. Chloe’s body is really weak from treatment, she’s fighting a pretty nasty infection right now which is causing her body to shut down – which is why she collapsed. Her passing out is another problem to deal with. She hit her head on something – most likely the floor when she fell, and she’s not waking up.”

“What does that mean, for her, exactly?” Ian asked.

He sighed. “It means that basically all we can do right now is wait and see. We’ve given her drugs to help fight the infection but…” He trailed off. “It’s up to her now. And honestly, her body is just… Tired. These next few days are going to be really touch and go, and while I encourage family members to go home and get some rest…. You all may want to stick close by. I know this is going to sound really insensitive, but if she does go, she’s probably going to go quickly – which is a blessing in a way. She’s not in pain nor will she be, but… For you all…” He trailed off again. “I’m so sorry. I’ll continue to do everything in my power. Do you have any questions for me?”

I waited a moment to see if anyone would answer, but they all looked so shell shocked. Chloe had been sick for so long, and they had gotten not great news before, they had thought they were going to lose her before. I knew what was running through their heads. Could Chloe do it again? Get lucky and pull through once again?

“No Doctor, I think everyone right now is just… Absorbing.” I answered.

He nodded. “Well, if you do find you have questions, please feel free to have me paged. And again… I’m so sorry.”

Seth nodded, his eyes blank, and as if on auto-pilot rose and shook the doctors hand. One by one, we filed out of the room, like a bunch of soldier’s in retreat. Shoulders were slumped, heads were hung. Was this really the end of it all?

Chloe had gotten a rather large private room in a quiet corner. She looked better than I expected her too. The doctor was right – she did look tired, but other than that… She just looked like she was sleeping. While the room was large, it was still too small for us all, so we quietly took over the on floor waiting room. Chloe’s family didn’t leave her room – but Christi, Drew, Matt and I would rotate in and out. The boys would leave to go home to sleep, or be our runners to get food that mainly sat untouched, but Christi and I… We never left the hospital. The days seemed to drag on, worry made time slip by like molasses. I felt like I had lived in the hospital for months, when in reality we had gotten there not even forty-eight hours before hand. Every time a doctor made the rounds, it was both a blessing and a curse to hear them utter the words “no change.” We were all walking around pale and tired – looking like ghosts who came from a surrendered battle.

On the second day, I was out on the main floor’s waiting room, letting Christi take her turn in with Chloe, and was surprised when I looked up and saw Seth watching me from the doorway.

My magazine dropped to the floor. I stood, slowly.

“Everything’s OK, Ella.” He said. “I just needed a break for a moment.”

“Oh.” I said, feeling my heart pound. I took a moment to get my breathing under control.

“Do you want to take a walk? Outside, in the real world?” He asked, smiling a small, sad smile.

“Yeah. Fresh air would do us all some good, eh?” I said, picking up my dropped magazine from the floor and throwing it on the end table.

We walked aimlessly. I didn’t ask him if he knew where we were going, and I didn’t try to press the conversation. I just walked, slipping my hand into his.

We went away from the hospital, leaving the whining sirens behind us, and towards the small town streets. Seth seemed like he knew where he was going, so I let him lead, and knew he would talk when he was ready. We walked steadily for ten minutes, before Seth stopped in front of an old Church. Again, I waited for him to make the first move. Did he want to go in and pray?

Finally, without a word, he walked into the back, where there was a small swing set. He wiped off the seat and the seat next to it – it had rained the night before and the ground was still damp. He sat, and patted the swing next to him, which I took.
“Chloe wanted to get married in this church. Every time we visited Pop’s and he brought us into town, we’d pass it. She’d say it, every time. ‘I’m going to get married there.’ She loved the look of it, how it was a little run down looking but she said it was still gorgeous. ‘It has character. Like you Pops.’ She said that EVERY time.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just took his hand and rubbed the back of it with my thumb.

“She didn’t say that this time though. We passed the church and she didn’t say a word. I should have known…” He trailed off, his eyes filling but not shedding tears. He looked more angry than sad. “She’s given up, Ella. She’s not getting better this time. And I can understand, but I’m still so mad at her.”

“Seth, it’s not over yet.” I said quietly.

“I know. I just… Every other time we’ve done this… I’ve felt something. Hope, I guess. I just knew, in the back of my brain… She’s not done yet. This isn’t over. This time, I feel like she’s given up. And if she’s given up… It’s over.” He whispered the last part, as if he was afraid to say it too loudly – afraid it would be heard and he would make it come true.

He was quiet again, and the rain started coming down lightly. He made no move, so I didn’t either, I just sat and watched his face, and couldn’t help but notice how much he looked like Chloe.

He sighed deeply. “When Chloe got sick, we used to pray all the time. We went to church and praised God for every minor victory. But then the victories… They became smaller and happened less often, and the defeats… They just got so huge and frequent. We got so battered, and I just. I gave up. I stopped praying. I don’t know if there’s a God or not, but if there is, He has his own plan, and what I want doesn’t seem to matter. Then you came along, Ella. And I knew, I knew the first second I saw you, you were different. I can’t believe you’re still here, I can’t believe how amazing you’ve been through this, and I want you to know, that even though this situation is probably the worst situation I’ve ever been in… You’re that light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“It’s not a big deal, Seth.”

“It is a big deal, Ella. You’re the only thing that I have right now that makes any sense. And actually, you don’t make sense. Because I can’t figure out what you’re still doing with me.”

“I love you.” I stated. “I love you, and I’m here because of that. But I also love Chloe, and Ian, and your parents. I want to be there for you and for all of them. And it’s true, if I had my choice right now, I’d be somewhere else, but just because that would mean that Chloe wouldn’t be in the position she’s in right now. I feel lucky to have gotten the chance to know her and all of you. And I’m still pulling for her. I just wish I could jump in the ring and take over for her, give her a break from all this.”

“I’m just so sad Ella.” He said, breaking down into sobs. “I don’t want to lose her. I love my sister, and it’s not fair.”

I got up, fell to my knees in the mud in front of him, and held him. My anger from the Kylie incident had completely disappeared, and I couldn’t believe that just a few days before I had felt weird around him. I loved Seth, and I would give anything to take his pain away right now. I had no idea how to start, so I just held him in the rain.

We stayed like that for awhile, and even though the rain wasn’t heavy, we were both soaked to the bone by the time we had gotten back to the hospital. Chloe’s nurse took one look at us and handed us both a pair of scrubs, and snuck us into the staff showers. After we got out and got dressed, we went in and sat next to Chloe for awhile. Sitting next to him, holding his hand, I knew something had changed in our relationship, and I could have sworn everyone in the room felt it too. Including Chloe, who for the first time looked as if she was smiling.

Christi took the night shift that night, and though I hadn’t slept well in the hospital, I passed right out that night, into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

I woke to Seth standing over me.

“She’s gone.”

Just wanted to let you guys that next week's posting is on the site and scheduled to come up so it will be on time. Well, of course if the internet blows up or something it won't be, but hey, at least this time it won't be my fault!

New post below.

Light does the darkness most fear

The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever, and neither Matt nor I was in the mood for talking. Personally, I had enough going on inside my head, and was also trying to pray at the same time all these other thoughts were going on. My head felt like it would explode with all the things that were jammed in there – Seth and Kylie, Chloe being sick… Was it my fault? I mean maybe I should have just let the whole Kylie thing go. Maybe if I hadn’t made such a big deal Chloe wouldn’t have gotten stressed and wouldn’t have gotten sick.

Oh please, just let her be OK.

We finally got to the hospital, Matt dropping me off at the door and going to park the car. I found Seth sitting in the waiting room, his head in his hands, and instantly my anger at him disappeared. I just couldn’t be mad at him, not when he looked so scared and lost.

I touched his shoulder, and he jumped, his eyes growing wide.

“I thought you’d leave.” He blurted out.

“Did you really think I’d leave, not knowing what was going on with her?” I asked, sitting down next to him.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “You were pretty mad.”

“I still kind of am Seth. But it doesn’t matter right now. I love you… And I love Chloe. I’m not going anywhere.”

He puffed out a breath that I hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and leaned back over, his head resting in his hands again.

“I’m sorry. I really am. I don’t know why I let her stay. I knew she was causing you stress and Chloe stress and I knew… I just don’t why I didn’t ask her to leave.”

“It’s hard to let go sometimes…” I said, echoing what Jason had said to me earlier.

“I just… I mean did I do this? It was supposed to be Chloe’s vacation and here I let someone who she didn’t like come stress her out… And for what?” His voice cracked. “To be honest, I didn’t even want Kylie there… I just couldn’t tell her to leave either.”

“It’s not anyone’s fault Seth.” I said, rubbing his back. “Chloe is sick. I think… I think sometimes we forget that because she looks better, or maybe even because we want her to BE better so badly. But she’s very sick Seth, and unfortunately these things happen to people who are sick. You didn’t cause it, and all you can really do is just hope she gets better.” I was quiet for a moment, wondering if I should tell him the conversation Kylie and I had. I didn’t want to tattle on her, and I also didn’t want to cause him anymore stress, but in the past when I kept my mouth shut, it just came back to bite me in the ass.

“I did… Um. I did kick her out, though.” I said. He looked up at me, and I couldn’t decipher the look in his eye, so I continued speaking fast, hoping to get it all out before he blew up at me.

“I know, it’s not my house and not my place, but I asked her if she wanted to come to the hospital and she just said some not nice things, and you don’t need to know what those things are… But I just kind of snapped and I told her to get out.”
He was quiet for a long time, and I worried that I had made him angry.
“Seth, I’m sorry if I crossed a line.”

He waved me off. “You didn’t. I just… I love you, Ella. And again, I’m really sorry for even…” He trailed off.

I let that sit between us for a moment, absorbing it. Things with Seth had gotten pretty serious pretty quickly and now… I don’t know. Now I was feeling slightly uncomfortable with it. Maybe it was just because I was still a little angry at how he had treated me with Kylie, and maybe I didn’t want to let it go so easily… I couldn’t put my finger on what I was feeling, but was that really such a surprise? So much had happened, my emotions were in a tornado. I chalked it up to stress and decided to let the whole thing slide for now.

“Have you heard anything?” I asked, finally breaking the silence.

“Her vitals were decent when we got here. Not great. She had spiked a pretty high fever – which makes me feel even more guilty because chances are she wasn’t feeling well and decided not to tell anyone.”

“That’s not your fault.” I interrupted.

“Maybe it is. I mean with everything else going on…”

“It’s Chloe, Seth. She wanted to have a good time. She didn’t want to get babied.”
He nodded. “Other than that, we don’t know much. They took her back and wouldn’t let me go. She still wasn’t awake… The doctor thinks she may have fainted and when she fell, bumped her head which caused her to pass out. Which is a whole other problem to worry about – how badly did she hurt herself when she fell and all that.” He shook his hand. “It’s such a mess, and I feel so useless. All I can do is sit here.”

“Seth, what you’re doing is not useless. If you weren’t here, Chloe would have no reason to fight, and would have given up a long time ago.”

He just nodded, and I wasn’t sure if he was really listening to me or not. I didn’t know what else to say, so I left it alone, sitting in silence until Matt joined us. I quietly updated him on what we found out about Chloe.

“Where are Christi and Drew?” He asked, and I realized for the first time that I hadn’t seen them.

“They’re trying to find a hotel room nearby. Mom and Dad won’t want to stay at the house – it’s too far. I doubt they’ll leave at all, but usually if we have a place that’s close I can talk them into leaving for a shower or a nap or something, so they went to go get one.” Seth answered.

I had never really spent much time in a hospital. True, I had visited Chloe before, but that was usually after she was settled, when things were at least a tad bit more calm, a little less touch and go. After this experience, I was convinced hospitals were some sort of strange torture device. The smells, for one, were interesting to say the least. There was nothing to do – which I wasn’t expecting go-karts in the middle of the floor or anything, but the walls were pretty blank, the magazines were ripped and old, and the TV was set to some fishing channel – and really, who watches fishing? I realized we weren’t there for a party, but there was nothing to do to attempt to distract yourself at all. The clock seemed to tick louder with every passing second that we didn’t hear news.

Chloe’s parents arrived along with Ian, and we still hadn’t heard anything – not for lack of trying. Seth had been up to the nurses desk every ten minutes or so, but they all told us the same thing – no news yet. The first time Seth came back, I tried to tell him that no news was good news, but he shot me a look that told me to keep my cliché’s to myself.

Finally, just as I was about to suggest a break to the cafeteria, the doctor walked out, a tired look on his face – that had to be good, right? Tired meant he had been working hard, and if he was working hard that meant there was something worth saving, right?

“Can I see the immeadiate family please? We have a conference room right over here.” He asked.

I stayed in my chair as Chloe’s parents, Ian, and Seth rose. But Seth reached around and tugged my hand.

“You too, El.” He said quietly.

I shook my head – this wasn’t my place. I wasn’t going to butt in.

“Please.” He said quietly. “I need you.”

I looked over at Chloe’s Mom – I really didn’t want to intrude on something so personal, but her eyes smiled. I looked at Ian – the most private one of them all.
“Ella, you’re family too.” He said, which almost made me break down right there.
So I rose and took Seth’s hand in one hand, and Chloe’s Mom’s hand in the other. She linked hands with Ian, who surprised me by linking hands with his father. Together we walked, a human chain, hoping that if the news wasn’t good, somehow with us being together like this… It would be easier to absorb the blow.

Yup - another postponement

Sorry guys, I'm going to most likely have to postpone this weeks posting AGAIN. I'm getting pretty frustrated with things, and I do have to thank you so much for being patient with me.

I had the entry written and ready to go - but my husband uninstalled and re-installed to "fix" the computer and now my WHOLE apathy file is MIA. My husband thinks he'll be able to find it - we'll see. I'm going to give him a chance to look, but if he doesn't find it by thursday I'll just have to re-write it and then try to re-save all my info from the blog. Latest it'll be up by friday.

So sorry again. The good news is, we are looking at new computers, and I may be getting a laptop which would be SUPER nice and would help me be able to write more - since I could take it to the bedroom and stuff.

Again, I apologize SO much. It's been such a pain in the ass.

I'll stand by you

I had seen Chloe sick – and even been there a few times when we thought we were going to lose her, but I had never been there at the moment it started. Seth bolted into her room, and I followed quickly on his heels, but stopped dead in my tracks when I got to her door. I always thought I’d be good in an emergency, and had proven it many times when the kids had an accident. But seeing Chloe laying lifeless on the floor… It took everything I had not to freak out. Because I was trying so hard not to be a spaz, I remained frozen.

My brain was working though, and screaming at me all the things I SHOULD be doing – but I just couldn’t move. Chloe looked dead, but I didn’t know for sure that she was. If I moved and touched her and found no pulse, my fears would be confirmed. If I just stood here, as dumb and in the way as I was, frozen, my brain screaming at me.

Seth, however, was already in action. I didn’t know how he did it. Sure, he had been in this situation multiple times before, but did that make it any easier? I mean, wouldn’t it make it even scarier, knowing you had been lucky so many times before? Would this be the time Chloe’s luck and health ran out?

I jumped a mile in the air when I heard Seth call my name.

“Ella, it’s alright, OK? She just passed out. Go get my cell phone and call my Mom, let her know we’re taking Chloe to the hospital and I’ll call her as soon as I know what’s going on. Matt, get one of her pill bottles and call the doctor on it. I’m taking her into the hospital.”

“What about an ambulance?” Matt said, moving for his phone.

“I can get her there a lot faster, just call her doctor please and let him know we’re going to Mercy General, OK? And Ella – go. I need you to do this.”

I unfroze long enough to nod and feel guilty. Here I was freaking out when Seth needed me, and he was calm as a cucumber. I felt even worse when Christi walked in, and seeing the scene, sprung into action.

“I’ll grab her medication list and be right behind you.” She said, moving towards Chloe’s bag.

I shook my head quickly, rather than feel sorry for myself or be jealous of other people, I needed to do what Seth asked me to do. I needed to be there for Chloe any way that I could be, so I walked into Seth and my room and grabbed his cell phone. I dialed the number before I had a chance to think about how I was calling Chloe’s mom that she was sick but none of us knew what was going on. I was about to hang up and rehearse what I was going to say when her voice clicked on.

“Hey Seth, how’s it going down there?”

“It’s Ella…” I was startled at just how shaky my own voice sounded.

“Oh no. What’s wrong? It’s Chloe isn’t it…”

“I… I don’t know what happened. Seth and I were talking and then Matt came in and when we saw her she was on the floor. Seth left, to take her to the hospital, he said he’d call you as soon as he found out anything…”

“I knew I shouldn’t have let her go, she wasn’t feeling good… I just…” She trailed off, then took a deep breath. “Thank you for calling sweetie. Please tell Seth that I’m going to call his Daddy and we’re going to head on down. If he hears anything, we’ll have our cell phones.”

I was going to protest her coming down, and I almost told her that it wasn’t that big of a deal, when I realized… It’s not like Chloe fell and broke her arm. She passed out. We don’t know WHY she passed out. In reality, it could be a very big deal, and if it were my daughter…

“I’ll let him know. I’m heading over to the hospital now, so he’ll have his cell phone back if you need him.”

“Thanks for calling hon.” She said, her voice soft. “And hang in there, Chloe’s a fighter, I’m sure she’ll be OK.”

We got off the phone, and I realized how silent it was – creepily so. I wondered if I was the only one left in the house or not. Then, I also realized that Chloe’s Mom had comforted me, and again felt like an ass for not doing more.

However, I also realized again, that feeling inadequate wasn’t going to help anyone else at this moment, so I quickly got up and reached for my bag that I had been packing. I shook out all my clothes, and filled it with a few things for Seth and I. I assumed Chloe would have to stay at least overnight at the hospital, and Seth would want to stay with her, so I wanted him to have some of his stuff to try to be comfortable. I also knew as long as Seth was there, I would be there. I may be angry at him, but I would be there for him – to run and get food he wouldn’t eat, to nag him to get some sleep, and just be his punching bag.

I also ran into Chloe’s room and to grab a few random things – I’m not sure she’d want or need them, but I knew things like her head scarf and her worn blanket brought her comfort. I was expecting the room to be empty, and was a little surprised to see Matt sitting on her bed, head in his hands.

“You OK?” I asked, dropping the bag and sitting next to him.

“Did you see her? She looked dead. I thought…”

“I know.” I said, cutting him off. “I thought so too, but she’s not so now we need
to get a move on, OK?”

“I don’t know what to do, Ella. I mean I called her doctor like Seth asked, but I just don’t know what else to do.” He shoulders were slack, and I knew he felt hopeless. “I really like her. And I thought I could handle her being sick, but I just didn’t realize…”

“I know.” I repeated, trying to keep my voice level and calm. “But you don’t have to make any decisions about any future relationships right now. Besides, just because you like her doesn’t mean she likes your dumbass.” I said, bumping his shoulder lightly with mine. “I feel pretty helpless too, but I know I need to be there – and so do you. Chloe keeps on fighting for us, you know. We should be there to cheer her on in her fight. I know it’s not a whole lot, and yeah it does make you feel pretty helpless, but I for one plan on doing whatever I can do – even if it’s not much.”

Matt nodded. “You’re right. I just was wrapped up in my own head for a minute. I’ll go get the car and drive you to the hospital, OK?”

“Alright.” I answered. “I’m just going to grab a few things of Chloe’s and I’ll be down.”

As confident as I may have sounded with Matt, being in Chloe’s room alone spooked me a little. To be totally morbid, at this moment, she could be gone, and I could be standing in a dead girls room. Insensitive of me to think this way, yes, but I couldn’t help it when my mind went in that direction. I quickly grabbed some things and shoved them in the bag, running out of the room and down the stairs.

And smack dab into Kylie.

With everything going on, I had totally forgotten about her, and I assumed everyone else did as well.

“Did they tell you what was going on?” I asked, out of breath. I wasn’t sure why I even bothered, but I thought Kylie would want to know.

“I figured it out. Chloe always pulls this shit when I’m around. She hates for anyone else to have the attention. I’ll just wait here for them to come back.”

I was stunned, and raised my hand to smack her, but luckily was able to stop myself before I connected.

“You need to get out.” I said instead.

“This isn’t your…”

“You need to get out right now, or I will call the police and tell them I caught you trying to break in, and before you say that story won’t fly, think again, because I have another witness willing to back me up out in the car right now – and if you think he won’t, he will after I tell him what you just said to me. You just crossed a big line missy, and if I thought you were worth it, I’d put you out of this house right now, and trust me, it wouldn’t be fun for you. But I have other places to be – important places, with people who are far more important than you. Get the fuck out right now, and don’t you dare come back.”

We stood toe to toe for a moment, and I thought maybe I’d have to make good on my threat. But suddenly, without warning, Kylie turned and walked out the door. I was stunned in place for a moment, not thinking it would be that easy, but then quickly followed her out, watching her peel off in her car.

Ugh - every week it seems I'm messaging you guys about a possible late post. I'm so sorry, stuff just keeps popping up! This time it's not really my fault per say - and it may not even happen - but our computer seems to be dying. It's running SUPER slow lately and doing some weird things and my husband thinks it might kick the bucket soon. He's run several different virus scans, as well as updated the memory and deleted some programs and a bunch of other computer mumbo jumbo that I don't understand, but not a whole lot seems to be working. As of right now, we're still on for a new post Wednesday - but if for some reason the day comes and goes without a post from me, it's probably because something happened with our computer. It's really old and my husband has kept it going for a long time now, it may just be time to lay the poor thing to rest. So if I go MIA, please assume that is the reason - and if I can I'll try to post via my phone so you know for sure.

Also - I saw someone posted asking me to change it so the actual dates show on the posting. I will try that, but I'm not sure if I can or not. It may just be the layout I selected, and I would change the layout but again, my computer is going way to slow for me to play around with that.

Hopefully nothing pops on and the computer will hang on for a few more weeks and by that time maybe we'll have saved enough to get another one. But again, just wanted to give you a heads up in case something does happen :-)

I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you

I heard him call after me, and I shouldn’t have turned around, and I’m not sure why I did, but I did. Kylie had spun around, but was still leaning on the counter. Seth’s back with to her and a small smile played on her lips. For a second, my mind flashed to grabbing the knife next to her and slashing her face – that’s how livid I was.

“It’s not… She…” He ran a hand through his hair. “She got into a fight with her fiancé, I let her crash on the couch.”

“Even you know how weak that sounds Seth.” I snapped.

“It’s not weak, it’s the truth!” He yelled back.

“You know what the truth is? Yesterday afternoon you were in here bitching about how you hated her. You used the word hate Seth, and that’s a mighty strong word. And not even twenty four hours later she’s standing in the kitchen wearing your shirt and smiling at me like the cat who ate the canary. Everyone knows what’s she’s trying to do – why do you think they’re high tailing it out of here? Nobody wants her here, except for you apparently.”

“Oh, I was just supposed to kick her out last night?” He answered.

“YES Seth. Because you don’t talk about how you HATE someone and then welcome them into your home – especially when it’s at the expense of people you actually like.”

“You know, I am standing right here.” Kylie piped up.

“Oh I know.” I answered, glancing at her. “But I’m talking to him, not to you. I have nothing to say to you.”

“But you’re talking ABOUT me.” She said, rolling her eyes. “And if Seth doesn’t want me to leave, I don’t have too.”

“You’re right. Totally right. You don’t have too. But I don’t have to stay either, and I’m not going too. I’ve done this whole song and dance with exes before and all that jazz, and I’ve ALWAYS tried to be the bigger person. But not this time. Not with someone who clearly has ulterior motives. I told you Seth, it is clear to everyone else that she just wants you back. And it’s also clear just how uncomfortable she makes everyone. I’m going home. I told you this morning, if you want to get back with her, that’s all fine and good with me. Good luck to you, because from your past, it certainly sounds like you’ll need it.”

This time when he called me, I didn’t turn back around. I headed for my room and I started packing my things.

I was on edge, wondering when he was going to come up and try to talk to me, the longer it took, the more relieved I got, and the more angry. If he wasn’t upstairs with me, he was downstairs with her. I had meant what I said earlier – if he left me for her, I would know he got what he deserved, but I still had feelings for him, and I still would feel sad for myself.

Lost in my thoughts, my phone went off, and I jumped about a mile in the air. I glanced at it curiously – anyone who would call me was here, with the exception of Toni, my parents, and Jason. Glancing at the caller ID, I saw it was the latter, and had to smile despite myself. Did this boy have some sort of sixth sense that picked up on whenever I was fighting with my current boyfriend? Maybe the fates were trying to push us back together.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hey, I didn’t expect you to answer, being on your fancy vacation.”

“Then why’d you call me?” I asked, moving into the bathroom to gather my things.
“Your voicemail and I have a thing going on. It likes it when I check in on a regular basis.”

“Oh really?” I said, smiling despite myself. “You want me to hang up and not answer so you can reach her?”

“No, no. I’ll just call back later and talk to her. What’s wrong? You sound tired. I thought a vacation was supposed to make you all well rested.”

“This one’s not going as planned. I’m actually heading home now.”

“Uh oh, what happened?”

“Ex-girlfriends. What is it with me and guys who have ex-girlfriends who are psychotic and pop up all over the place?”

“Well. I mean you do carry your own share of ex-boyfriend drama.” He pointed out.

“Yeah, I know, but the one thing I can say for you guys is none of you have ever stepped into a relationship to create drama. You may not have helped the drama that was there – but you never intentionally created it.”

“So what happened?”

“He ran into his ex at a grocery store. Came home all pissed off, ranting about how he hates her, but then she shows up and he just lets her stay. She was even here this morning when I woke up! And it’s clear she makes EVERYONE uncomfortable – Christi and Drew are leaving as well, and I get the feeling Chloe will probably tag along too. I just don’t understand it at all. If he hates her so much, why is he letting her stay? Especially at the risk of losing everyone else? I mean it’s not just me. She’s pissing off EVERYONE.”

Jason was quiet for a moment, and I thought I had lost him. But then he spoke, so quietly I had to strain to hear him.

“Sometimes you can realize that it’s not going to work out with someone, but it doesn’t mean you stop having feelings for them. It’s hard to let go sometimes.”

I wondered if he was talking about us, but I didn’t really have the guts to ask. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know. There was always a part of me that wondered if Jason and I would get back together, and I knew hearing him admit that we weren’t right for each other would kill that off. I wasn’t sure I wanted it dead.
I realized though that maybe that’s how Seth was feeling. And while I still didn’t like it – nobody liked hearing that their current boyfriend had feelings for an ex – I could also understand it. I mean hadn’t I just admitted to myself that I still held out a little bit of hope that Jason and I would get back together? If Seth knew that, wouldn’t he be upset by it?

But, in my defense, I didn’t let him know that. When Jason was around, which was very rarely, I didn’t hang all over him and flirt with him, and wear skimpy clothing. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that you were only capable of having feelings for one person. I believed you could fall in love many times, and when you fall in love, you never fall fully out of it again. I was more upset by the fact that Seth was allowing Kylie to be so disrespectful to me, our relationship, our vacation, and our friends.

“You still there?” Jason asked.

“Yeah, just thinking about some things…” I trailed off.

“Well. I better let you go. Just wanted to call and say hi.”

“Oh. Hi.”

“Hi.” He said, laughing. “Just, talk to him before you throw in the towel, OK? You really seemed to like him, and he did seem like a good guy. I mean if you can’t make it work, you can’t, but you do have a tendency of walking away rather than trying to work things out, El.”

“Alright.” I agreed.

Just as we hung up, Seth entered the room.

“Look Ella…” He glanced at the bed. “You’re really leaving?”

“Yeah. I have things to do at home, and I’m not having any fun here. There’s no point in staying and making myself miserable.”

“Ella…” Seth started.

“No. Don’t. You’re not going to convince me to stay. Look, I understand where you’re coming from. I have been in the position before where I cared for someone who I shouldn’t, and I knew I shouldn’t, even when I had someone else around that I cared just as much for. It’s a tricky spot. But you’re allowing her to be so disrespectful to me, to us, and to our friends, and because you’re allowing her to do so and not saying anything to her about it… Well, now YOU’RE being disrespectful. I get it, you’re the nice guy, you like to be nice to everyone, you like everyone to get along. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. Sometimes you have to let people go.”

“Really? I mean I’m sorry Ella, but shouldn’t you take your own advice?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.

“Letting people go? Who were you on the phone with just now? Jason. Your ex who cheated on his wife with you!”

“How did you know I was on the phone with Jason?” I asked, getting angry.

“I was outside and…”

“And you were listening. Oh, I really can’t believe you. Didn’t you tell me you’d trust me until I gave you a reason not too? And when have I EVER given you a reason not too? You can’t compare the Jason and Kylie situation, at all Seth, and you KNOW it. When Jason was around, he didn’t try to hang all over me and flirt with me. When Jason was around I didn’t hang over a counter wearing nothing but a tee shirt showing my ass off to the world. Jason being around didn’t piss off everyone and their Momma, and if it had, I most certainly wouldn’t ignore it. You keep trying to turn this shit back around on me Seth. Grow up, be a man, and own up to it – you fucked up. If you want to be with Kylie, then be with her. But if you want to be with me, you need to kick her to the curb, and admit that it’s NOT because she’s your ex girlfriend, but because she is a girl who is after you and doesn’t care who she has to walk on to get to you.”

I looked at him, so angry I could spit, wondering if I even wanted him back. I did love him, but really was any guy worth this? He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it when we heard a loud thump. A second later, Matt ran into the room.

“You gotta come quick. It’s Chloe.”

No post today

So sorry guys, I know I left things at a bit of a cliffhanger last week, and I so meant to have the post up on time, but between the party and being sick, things lagged. And then, these last few nights my son has been awake no joke every two hours or more. I have no idea what his issue is, we thought it was because we switched him to 2% milk and maybe he wasn't getting the calories he needed or something, but then we switched him back and nada... I've been trying to get up with him at least the majority of the time, because hubby has to go into work at 4 AM and needs sleep. And even though he tends to go right back to sleep in less than 5 minutes, it's hard for me to get comfortable again (I'm almost 8 months pregnant and starting to feel it) so it takes me awhile to fall back asleep and then he's up and at it again.

I've been a walking zombie and taking naps when he has just so I can function at work (which has also been draining because they added two new lawyers and are trying to expand so it's a little nuts), so I haven't been writing when I usually do. I have it half done and I promise I will have it up tomorrow - if my son gets up every two hours I may just sit up and write during one of his sleep lulls or something.

Again, I apologize, and really really hope this is over soon. People keep cracking jokes that he's just trying to get me used to the new baby coming, but honestly I don't want to "practice" I just want to sleep!