...Well, I've had just enough time

The doctor waited for us all to sit down before he spoke. I couldn’t help but notice the way Chloe’s family looked at him – as if he was God. Which, I suppose in this instance, he was the closest a human was going to get to being a God.

“I don’t know how else to say this, other than to come right out with it… It’s not good. Chloe’s body is really weak from treatment, she’s fighting a pretty nasty infection right now which is causing her body to shut down – which is why she collapsed. Her passing out is another problem to deal with. She hit her head on something – most likely the floor when she fell, and she’s not waking up.”

“What does that mean, for her, exactly?” Ian asked.

He sighed. “It means that basically all we can do right now is wait and see. We’ve given her drugs to help fight the infection but…” He trailed off. “It’s up to her now. And honestly, her body is just… Tired. These next few days are going to be really touch and go, and while I encourage family members to go home and get some rest…. You all may want to stick close by. I know this is going to sound really insensitive, but if she does go, she’s probably going to go quickly – which is a blessing in a way. She’s not in pain nor will she be, but… For you all…” He trailed off again. “I’m so sorry. I’ll continue to do everything in my power. Do you have any questions for me?”

I waited a moment to see if anyone would answer, but they all looked so shell shocked. Chloe had been sick for so long, and they had gotten not great news before, they had thought they were going to lose her before. I knew what was running through their heads. Could Chloe do it again? Get lucky and pull through once again?

“No Doctor, I think everyone right now is just… Absorbing.” I answered.

He nodded. “Well, if you do find you have questions, please feel free to have me paged. And again… I’m so sorry.”

Seth nodded, his eyes blank, and as if on auto-pilot rose and shook the doctors hand. One by one, we filed out of the room, like a bunch of soldier’s in retreat. Shoulders were slumped, heads were hung. Was this really the end of it all?

Chloe had gotten a rather large private room in a quiet corner. She looked better than I expected her too. The doctor was right – she did look tired, but other than that… She just looked like she was sleeping. While the room was large, it was still too small for us all, so we quietly took over the on floor waiting room. Chloe’s family didn’t leave her room – but Christi, Drew, Matt and I would rotate in and out. The boys would leave to go home to sleep, or be our runners to get food that mainly sat untouched, but Christi and I… We never left the hospital. The days seemed to drag on, worry made time slip by like molasses. I felt like I had lived in the hospital for months, when in reality we had gotten there not even forty-eight hours before hand. Every time a doctor made the rounds, it was both a blessing and a curse to hear them utter the words “no change.” We were all walking around pale and tired – looking like ghosts who came from a surrendered battle.

On the second day, I was out on the main floor’s waiting room, letting Christi take her turn in with Chloe, and was surprised when I looked up and saw Seth watching me from the doorway.

My magazine dropped to the floor. I stood, slowly.

“Everything’s OK, Ella.” He said. “I just needed a break for a moment.”

“Oh.” I said, feeling my heart pound. I took a moment to get my breathing under control.

“Do you want to take a walk? Outside, in the real world?” He asked, smiling a small, sad smile.

“Yeah. Fresh air would do us all some good, eh?” I said, picking up my dropped magazine from the floor and throwing it on the end table.

We walked aimlessly. I didn’t ask him if he knew where we were going, and I didn’t try to press the conversation. I just walked, slipping my hand into his.

We went away from the hospital, leaving the whining sirens behind us, and towards the small town streets. Seth seemed like he knew where he was going, so I let him lead, and knew he would talk when he was ready. We walked steadily for ten minutes, before Seth stopped in front of an old Church. Again, I waited for him to make the first move. Did he want to go in and pray?

Finally, without a word, he walked into the back, where there was a small swing set. He wiped off the seat and the seat next to it – it had rained the night before and the ground was still damp. He sat, and patted the swing next to him, which I took.
“Chloe wanted to get married in this church. Every time we visited Pop’s and he brought us into town, we’d pass it. She’d say it, every time. ‘I’m going to get married there.’ She loved the look of it, how it was a little run down looking but she said it was still gorgeous. ‘It has character. Like you Pops.’ She said that EVERY time.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just took his hand and rubbed the back of it with my thumb.

“She didn’t say that this time though. We passed the church and she didn’t say a word. I should have known…” He trailed off, his eyes filling but not shedding tears. He looked more angry than sad. “She’s given up, Ella. She’s not getting better this time. And I can understand, but I’m still so mad at her.”

“Seth, it’s not over yet.” I said quietly.

“I know. I just… Every other time we’ve done this… I’ve felt something. Hope, I guess. I just knew, in the back of my brain… She’s not done yet. This isn’t over. This time, I feel like she’s given up. And if she’s given up… It’s over.” He whispered the last part, as if he was afraid to say it too loudly – afraid it would be heard and he would make it come true.

He was quiet again, and the rain started coming down lightly. He made no move, so I didn’t either, I just sat and watched his face, and couldn’t help but notice how much he looked like Chloe.

He sighed deeply. “When Chloe got sick, we used to pray all the time. We went to church and praised God for every minor victory. But then the victories… They became smaller and happened less often, and the defeats… They just got so huge and frequent. We got so battered, and I just. I gave up. I stopped praying. I don’t know if there’s a God or not, but if there is, He has his own plan, and what I want doesn’t seem to matter. Then you came along, Ella. And I knew, I knew the first second I saw you, you were different. I can’t believe you’re still here, I can’t believe how amazing you’ve been through this, and I want you to know, that even though this situation is probably the worst situation I’ve ever been in… You’re that light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“It’s not a big deal, Seth.”

“It is a big deal, Ella. You’re the only thing that I have right now that makes any sense. And actually, you don’t make sense. Because I can’t figure out what you’re still doing with me.”

“I love you.” I stated. “I love you, and I’m here because of that. But I also love Chloe, and Ian, and your parents. I want to be there for you and for all of them. And it’s true, if I had my choice right now, I’d be somewhere else, but just because that would mean that Chloe wouldn’t be in the position she’s in right now. I feel lucky to have gotten the chance to know her and all of you. And I’m still pulling for her. I just wish I could jump in the ring and take over for her, give her a break from all this.”

“I’m just so sad Ella.” He said, breaking down into sobs. “I don’t want to lose her. I love my sister, and it’s not fair.”

I got up, fell to my knees in the mud in front of him, and held him. My anger from the Kylie incident had completely disappeared, and I couldn’t believe that just a few days before I had felt weird around him. I loved Seth, and I would give anything to take his pain away right now. I had no idea how to start, so I just held him in the rain.

We stayed like that for awhile, and even though the rain wasn’t heavy, we were both soaked to the bone by the time we had gotten back to the hospital. Chloe’s nurse took one look at us and handed us both a pair of scrubs, and snuck us into the staff showers. After we got out and got dressed, we went in and sat next to Chloe for awhile. Sitting next to him, holding his hand, I knew something had changed in our relationship, and I could have sworn everyone in the room felt it too. Including Chloe, who for the first time looked as if she was smiling.

Christi took the night shift that night, and though I hadn’t slept well in the hospital, I passed right out that night, into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

I woke to Seth standing over me.

“She’s gone.”