I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong

“So.” Brook said, plopping down on the couch, popping a piece of popcorn in her mouth. “What’s the deal with you and Matt?”

It had been weeks since Brook and I met at the gym. Work fiasco was solved, for now, but my boss had warned us that it was basically duct taping a dam, and that if we didn’t find a real solution soon, we were going to drown. Camp was in session, but it was a day camp only. It was insanely weird to be at home in the summer – something I hadn’t done since I was 18. My nights were usually pretty lonely and slow going – so I tried to fill them with Brook, bad reality television, and Matt.

“I don’t know what you mean? We’re just friends.” I said, settling down next to her. We had a ritual – gym, a healthy dinner, and then we’d veg out in front of the TV and usually cancel out our healthy dinner and workout with junk food.

“He sleeps over. I mean I can’t tell you the last time I had regular sleep overs with a guy who was just my friend.”

I shrugged. “I get lonely sometimes.”

“You know, there’s a solution for that. You could get a boyfriend. And Matt seems like a good option.”

“Uh uh. I don’t do boyfriends.” I hadn’t spilled the whole messy detail to Brook yet, and I wasn’t really sure if I was going too. The whole Jason-Drew-Me triangle seemed so dramatic and ridiculous, I was almost embarrassed. And I was definitely embarrassed to admit that while it had been weeks, I still couldn’t bring myself to speak Drew’s name. He seemed to have had such an easy time erasing me from his life, and I just couldn’t do it. But, I could give the illusion that I had, so. That’s what I was trying to do.

“Are you a lesbian?” Brook asked. At first I thought she was joking, and didn’t answer. After a few minutes of silence, I turned to see she was looking at me intently.

“Oh you’re seriously asking?” I asked. She raised an eyebrow. “No, I’m not a lesbian.”

“Well, not that there’s anything wrong with it. I just didn’t want to be pushing guys on you when you wanted girls.” Brook answered.

“I’ve just had one complicated relationship after another, and I’m not looking to jump into another.”

“You don’t think the whole friends with benefits thing is extremely complicated?”

“No.” I lied.

“Huh. Well. I do. I mean you’re never really sure where you stand. What if he’s hooking up with someone else and not telling you? I mean even if emotionally, you don’t care, don’t you care physically? I mean to protect yourself?”

“Matt’s not hooking up with someone else. And I highly doubt he has the desire to hook up with someone else, anyway.”

“Yeah, but… Don’t you have to wonder why that is? I mean that means he obviously wants you. Aren’t you afraid it’s all going to blow up in your face?”

I didn’t really know what to say. I had been afraid of that very thing, but I also knew that Matt was a crutch that I was not yet ready to get rid of. I knew in a sense that I was using him, and I was a bitch for doing so, but I excused it with the fact that he knew where I stood.

“Where is Matt, tonight, anyway?” Brook asked. Even though reality tv night was SUPPOSED to be a girls thing, Matt regularly crashed it.

“At the bar. With some friends.” I said. Matt hadn’t said WHICH friends he was meeting at the bar, but I knew by the fact that he omitted that information, plus the fact that he hadn’t invited me along, meant that it was Drew, and probably his little twat of a girlfriend. I’ve never really disliked a person I didn’t really know before, but just hearing her name made my blood boil. “We should have our own bar here… Play some drinking games.” I suggested.

“Ooooh, I’ve never played a drinking game before!” Brook said, clapping her hands together.

Famous. Last. Words.

Four hours and an insane amount of shots later, Brook was half stumbling, half being carried to the car by her fiance, who I had had to call to come get her. He seemed annoyed, but also sort of amused, as Brook kept professing her love to him, and how happy she was that she had met such a good friend in her new hometown.

The night was warm, so after I watched their car drive off, I sat on the front porch, letting Cumulus explore the front yard. I wasn’t surprised when a few moments later, a car pulled into my driveway. Matt was spending more time here than he did at home anymore.

“Hey.” He said, shutting his car door. “What are you doing outside?”

“Just hanging out. B just left. We got a little drunk.” I said, trying not to slur my words.

“I can tell.” He said, smirking and walking up the walk.

“Where were you?” I asked, bumping his shoulder with mine. “We expected you to crash.”

“I told you I was going out to the bar.”

“Oh yeah?” I knew I was stepping into dangerous territory, but I didn’t care. “Who’d you go with?”

“Just some people.” He answered, looking slightly uncomfortable.”

“Do these people have names?” I asked. I knew who it was. Matt knew I knew who it was. But, for some reason, I needed to hear him say it.

He sighed. Loudly, and I could tell he was worried and annoyed. “Drew. Jess and some of her friends – Heather, Stacy, Jazmine…”

“Jazmine? Seriously? What, does she have stripper friends?” I scoffed.

“Ella, don’t go there. Jazmine’s not a stripper and she’s really nice…”

“If she’s so nice, why didn’t you go to her house? At my house I can say what I want about who I want.”

“Are you jealous?” He asked, turning to look at my face.

“Of what? Of you hanging out with other girls?” I laughed. “No. You can hang out with whoever you want.”

“Then where’s all this anger coming from, El?”

“Who’s says I’m angry?”

“You’re attitude, says you’re angry, Ella. I come here to see you, and you bite my head off and start talking crap about my friends.”

“Ooooh so now her friends are your friends. I see. I get it. Why don’t you just go, Matt? Why don’t you go home, and you and Drew and Jessica can all hang out together, and have tons of fun, and forget all about me.”

“So, you’re saying if I’m friends with them, I can’t be friends with you? Isn’t that a little middle school?”

“You know, maybe it is. But I also think it’s pretty middle school to be friends with someone for decades pretty much, and then drop them because your girlfriend is too insecure to handle it.”

“Ohhhh so that’s what it’s about. I’m not Drew, Ella. You can’t punish me for what he did. I’m really tired of you comparing the two of us all the time. I’m not him.

“I know you’re not him, Matt. I tell myself that every night when I go to bed with you and wish it was him.” I blurted out, angrily.

Matt looked at me, a wave of hurt passing over his face. Then he shook his head and walked to his car.

“You win.” He called over his shoulder. “You have officially succeeded in pushing everyone away.”

And with that, he slammed his door and drove away.