I'm already gone

“What?” He asked.
“I’m going to Colorado.”
“You’re leaving?”
“Yes.” I said, trying to read his face.
“How could you do that?”
“What do you mean, how could I do that?”
“I mean it’s one thing to take another job, but in a whole other state? How are you going to be able to help the agency at all?” His voice was rising, he was getting angry, and I was confused.
“I am helping the agency, by leaving Matt.”
“No, you’re turning your back on it.”
“I don’t understand.” I said, reaching up to rub my head. “Me leaving the agency was fine when I was in the state, but now all of a sudden it’s not? Why?”
“Because, how are you going to help out at all?”
“Help out with what, Matt?” I was trying hard not to get frustrated, but it was becoming hard. I really was confused as to what he was talking about.
“Help out with saving the agency!”
“Matt, I’m doing what I can do save the agency – which happens to be leaving for a little while. The agency is way past doing some fundraisers to get them out of this hole, we need more than that. They’re doing some emergency grant writing, which is the only thing I could help with if I stayed. And believe me, I’m helping out more if I’m leaving.”
“I just don’t get why you’re the one who has to go.”
“Matt, is this really about the agency? Or is it about us?”
“What?” He said, looking up at me. “No. I mean I don’t want you to leave for the agency but… I just don’t get why they couldn’t send someone else.”
“Who else are they going to send? The only person there that has the qualifications needed is Sandy, and she has a husband and a son here. And my salary is pretty significant, Matt. Cutting it will save them a lot of money. Look, I love the agency, I really do. I don’t want to see it go under either, and I’m trying to do what I can to help. I also am realistic, and reality is, our situation does not look good. This place with give me new experiences, teach me new skills, look great on my resume, and give me more contacts. And, if you haven’t noticed, my social life is also in ruins. Really, this opportunity is a win for everyone, and it couldn’t have come at a better time.”
“I guess you’re right.” He said, refusing to look at me.
“I was wondering too… If you wanted to stay at my house while I was gone? Keep an eye on it? I mean if you don’t want to pay rent here while you’re living somewhere else, I understand, and I can ask Brook. But, I’ve known you longer, and I figure it might be getting cramped with…”
“Actually, it’s funny you should mention that…” He said, now refusing to look at me and seeming nervous.
“What?” I asked.
“Jessica's is moving in. Well. She pretty much already has moved in. But they want to make it she pays rent and is on the lease official. We were going to tough it out here until the lease was up, but I think the place is kind of small for three people, and I don’t want to watch them play house.”
“Huh.” I said, processing the information. “They’re that serious?” I asked, unsure if I really wanted the answer.
“I don’t know El…” Matt’s voice was soft, gentle. “I mean to be really honest with you, she is the one who is initiated all this big plans, and she’s definitely pushy. But, he’s also not putting up much of a fight.”
I worked my jaw, trying to fight back tears. I wondered if it would be like Jason all over again, and I’d watch Drew get married to someone else.
“Hey.” He said, reaching his arm out to touch mine. “If it makes you feel any better, it seems like he’s more… Complacent. As if he just is letting things happen.”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter I guess.”

We sat there in silence for a few moments. I knew that I probably looked like someone had just shot my puppy, and I didn’t want to walk out and let them see my like that. In fact, I didn’t want them to know my business at all.

“I don’t want Drew to know I’m leaving, OK?”
“Why not?” He asked, confused.
“He initiated the cut off. He’s the one who didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I know it might sound really childish, but I just… If he’s not going to be in my life, this isn’t something he needs to know. It’s not like I’m going forever, you know? If he asks where I am while I’m gone, you can tell him then.”
“I don’t like that Ella.”
“You don’t have to like it, Matt. You just have to respect it.”
“I don’t like lying to my friends.”
“You aren’t lying. You’re omitting the truth.”
“Fine. But I want it on the record that I don’t like this. At all.”
“So noted.” I said, winking at him.

We sat and ate some doughnuts, catching up on the time we spent apart, and discussing how the move in would go. I wouldn’t charge him rent as long as he did basic up keep of the house. He was a little bummed that I was taking Cumulus with me to Colorado.

“You should leave him Ella. Then you don’t have to worry about him while you’re learning the ropes of your new job.”
“Uh uh. No way. I’d miss him way too much.”
“But I’ll miss him too.” Matt fake whined.
“I know, but he’s not your dog.”
“I know. I miss having one.”
“You should get one.” I said.
“I’m not allowed pets here.”
“Well, you’ll be in my place. You can have a dog there. Then you’ll just have to find a place that allows dogs when I come back. Or, if you don’t want to mess with that, just call the Stop the Suffering. That’s the place I fostered Cumulus from. Temporary dog for you, AND you’re doing a good deed. Both those things help you score with the ladies.” I said, winking at him.
“I’ll think about it.” He replied. “Won’t be as good as Cumulus though.”
“That’s cuz no dog is as good as my dog.”

Later, Matt got up and walked me out. Thankfully, neither Jessica or Drew were to be seen.
“She probably got irritated that you were still here and made him leave.” Matt speculated.
“Whatever. As long as I don’t have to see her.” I replied, giving him a hug.

The next week was a blur. Announcing at work that I was leaving, helping out with the grant writing while I was still there, trying to explain to my kids that it was only a temporary assignment (I didn’t have the heart to tell them that the agency might be closing down.) I was also doing a lot of paperwork for the new job, for both Cumulus and I, as well as making lists for what I still needed to buy for my trip. I was also trying to spend time with Brook, who was sad that I was leaving so soon after I had met her.

A few days before I was scheduled to leave, I was upstairs packing my bags. It was sort of sad to see my life laid before my in those two duffle bags, but also sort of freeing. This is what was important to me, this is what I needed, this is what I was choosing to take with me. I felt almost as if I was shedding some of my skin, and honestly I was exciting to see what this whole thing was going to bring me. The doorbell rang.

“Come in!” I called downstairs. I was expecting Matt, who had been bringing his stuff over a couple boxes at a time to try to avoid renting a truck. I heard him walking up the stairs, and I zipped up one of my bags before turning around to greet him.

I swear my eyes almost fell out of my head when I saw that it was Drew, standing in my door way instead.

“So it’s true.” He said, eyeing my bags. “You are leaving.”