I've gotta figure out what's going on in this head of mine

I slept well that night – for the first time in a long time. I felt relieved, like I was finally, maybe, starting to get a grip on things. I knew in a sense, I was running away, but I felt like this time it was different. I wasn’t running to Jason or Drew to fix my problems – I was taking a breather and some time to figure out how to fix them myself. It was a time out of sorts, a pause button.

I really should have done it a while ago, but to be honest, I was just terrified of being alone (as if you hadn’t realized this already.) It was about time I sucked it up, grew up, and faced my fears.

When I woke up the next morning though, I realized there was something I had to do – something I also really didn’t want to do. I needed to apologize to Matt, and tell him I was leaving before they announced it at work. He deserved a personal apology, and he also deserved to hear why I was leaving. That part wasn’t what I was dreading though. I knew in order to talk to Matt, I was going to have to surprise him (otherwise, I highly doubted he was going to talk to me.) Which meant going to his apartment. Which meant possibly running into Drew – who I did not want to see, nor did I want to tell him I was leaving.

I got dressed simply, in a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt. I got in my car, and stopped by Krispee Kreme. I was stalling, but I figured Matt would be less likely to turn me away if I came baring hot and fresh gifts. I think drove the short drive to their apartment – where I sat in my car for ten full minutes before I finally talked myself into walking and knocking on their door.

I nearly threw up when Jessica opened the door. It was a scenario I should have expected, but didn’t. Her hair was mussed, she was in pajama pants, and with a pang in my heart, I realized she was also wearing one of Drew’s shirts. Clearly, she had spent the night. Clearly, she was not happy to see me.

“Hi.” I said, surprised at how calm and even my voice sounded. “I need to speak to Matt, is he home?”
“He’s asleep.” She answered, and started to shut the door.
“I can wake him up. It’s kind of important.”
I watched her look me up and down, and saw the slight shake of her head, as if she was going to tell me no again, when Drew walked up behind her.

“Who is it Jess?” And then when he saw me, “oh.”
“Hi. I need to talk to Matt.”
“I told her he was sleeping.” Jessica said to Drew. “Late night, he was out with one of my friends.” She said to me, a smirk on her face. I knew she had known that Matt and I had a fling, and I knew she said it to try to get a dig at me.
“That’s fine. Ten minutes is all I need and then he can go back to sleep. Or, you guys can tell him that I had a work issue, and explain that since you wouldn’t let me see him, it might cost him his job. Up to you.” I lied. I felt a little bad about lying, but not bad enough to not do it.
“Such a pressing work issue that you had time to stop and get doughnuts?” Jessica said.
“I figured since I was coming over so early, the least I could do was bring breakfast. But you know, I have things to do, and I don’t really have time to be wasting. When Matt gets up, tell him to call me.” I said, and I turned to walk away.
“Ella, wait!” Drew called after me. I turned around to see him holding the door open for me. Jessica was clearly pouting in the background.
“Thank you.” I answered, walking past him and back into Matts room. I shut the door behind me, which I’m sure pissed her off – but again, they didn’t need to hear what I was talking to him about. Let them think it was work. Hell, let them think I was fucking Matt’s brains out. I didn’t care anymore.

I sat down on the edge of his bed, and paused to look at his sleeping figure. He was so tall, his feet hung over the edge of the bed. Looking at him, I felt an insane amount of guilt pass over me for what I had said to him. Matt hadn’t ever hurt me. Why did I want to hurt him so badly?

I reached out and gently shook his shoulder. He stirred for a moment, but didn’t wake. I shook a little harder, and his eyes popped open. It took him a second, but then he focused on me.

“Am I dreaming?” He asked.
“No. Why, do you dream of me often?” I asked, unable to hide my smile.
“No. You’re just the last person I’d expect here.” He said. He stretched. “Everything OK? What are you doing here?”
“I needed to talk to you. I figured you wouldn’t answer the phone if I tried to call and set a meeting up. So I ambushed you. It wasn’t easy, your guards tried to turn me away.”
“My guards?” He asked, confused. He rubbed his eyes and sat up further in bed.
“Drew and Jessica.” I said, resisting the urge to call her a guard dog. “I come baring krispee kreme as a peace offering?” I said, opening the box.
“You know it’s going to take more than doughnuts.” He said. Still, he took one.
“I know.” I said, sighing. “Matt, what I said to you… It was uncalled for. And mean. I said it just to hurt you, and you didn’t deserve that. You’re right. I was trying to push you away.”
“Why?” He asked.
“I don’t know. My head is fucked, that’s all I’ve got. And, I mean, for a long time, all Jason and I were, were friends with benefits. I guess I didn’t want to go down that road again. I should have just talked to you, but I didn’t. I’m finding communication is one of my weaker points.”
“I’m not them, you know.”
“I know that. Drew isn’t Jason. You aren’t Drew or Jason. Seth isn’t Drew or Jason. Jason isn’t Drew. I feel like I spend all my relationships blaming the guy for things another guy did. I think I really just need to take a break from relationships, I really need to get over everything, so with the next guy, I can start fresh. No baggage. No blame.”
“What are my chances of being that next guy?” He asked.
“I don’t know. And that’s the truth. I like you as more than a friend, Matt, but I LOVE you as a friend, and after losing so many friends to relationships… I just don’t want to go down that road again. But, I also can’t predict the future. I just can’t say.”
“Fair enough. I missed you.”
“Even with hanging out with Jessica's friends?” I said, smirking.
“She told you I went out with her friend?”
“Yeah, she told me you were still asleep, because you had a late night with one of her friends.”
Matt laughed. “Yeah. Her friend called about ten last night. Had a flat tire. I went out and changed the tire for her. I was home by eleven-thirty.”
“She really hates me, huh?”
“Hate’s a strong word. You intimidate the hell out of her.”
“There’s something else I came to tell you… I wanted to tell you before anyone else.”
“Uh oh. You aren’t pregnant, are you?”
“No. But… Sandy came to me with a proposal. The agency was about to make some people take furloughs. We all know there are some people there who can’t afford that, so she wanted to get rid of some people so that wouldn’t happen.”
“You got fired?” Matt asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No… Sandy has a friend who runs another camp. I interviewed there and I got the job. It’s a temporary thing – the hope is that while I’m gone they can write some grants and get some more funding. But, they don’t have to pay my salary while I’m there, which means they can keep other staff on. I’ll be gone for six months.”
“I’ll miss you at work, but it sounds like a really awesome situation. Thanks for taking one for the team.”
“It is a really awesome opportunity for me. But, here’ts the thing…” I said, hesitating for a moment. I had no idea how Matt was going to react, and I was kind of afraid. “I have to go to Colorado for it.”