It's not so bad, you're only the best I ever had

---Sorry it's late. I stayed up late last night and SWORE I posted it before I went to bed, annnnd then I checked the blog tonight and either it didn't post or I didn't.---------

Miserable. Pathetic. Lonely. Angry. Desolate.

Those would be the top five words I would use to describe my life right now. Do you have any idea how badly it hurts to realize THOSE are the words to describe your life? Even worse, there’s nobody you can blame. It’s all my fault.

The thing is, after he left, I sobered up pretty quickly. A slap in the face will do that to you, and Matt had verbally slapped me pretty hard (and no, I can’t say that I didn’t deserve it.) I realized he was correct. I was pushing everyone away. With Drew, being forced away hurt, so I think I figured that pushing everyone away would hurt a lot less than waiting for them to push me away. I realized that was a flawed way to think about things, but it also made me see just how damaged I was. I needed to get away – and not to Jason out in California, or to anyone anywhere else. I needed to get away, by myself.

It was late, and I was tired, but I logged on to my computer anyway and sent out a few emails to people I had made connections with who worked in other camps in other places. It was a long shot, I realized, and I knew leaving the agency was going to be hard, especially in the shape it was in. But, I was afraid if I didn’t go, I was going to go insane.

It’s not like work was that great anyway. Despite the money issues, Matt wouldn’t speak to me. Or at least, I assumed he wouldn’t. I hadn’t really tried. I had called him the next day and apologized to his voicemail, but he hadn’t returned the call, and at work, he went out of his way to not speak to me. If he had a work related thing that he absolutely couldn’t talk to anyone else about, he emailed me. And even his emails were short, to the point, and cold.

I had also gotten a few emails back about my job search, and had sent my resume to a few different people. As I predicted, it was a long shot. A few people emailed me back to let me know that their agencies were facing budget cuts themselves. I was beginning to get discouraged when Sandy, the senior social worker walked in and shut my office door behind her.

“I have a proposition for you.” She said, sitting down in the chair across from my desk.

“You sound like the God-father.” I joked. “What’s with all the hush hush?”

She sighed, deeply, and ran a hand through her hair. “We’re trying to keep the negative quiet. Morale and all. But, Ella, it’s really not looking that great. They’re talking about furloughs.”

“Forced days off? Fuck.” I thought about a couple of my co-workers, and how one had just confided in me that she was having issues feeding her daughter on what she made right now. Cutting hours would just hurt her even more.

“I know. But, we did the budget, and if we could get rid of a few people, it would give us some more time to write some grants or try to come up with a better idea.”

“So you want to let people go?” I asked, thinking that was even worse than cutting back hours.

“Not exactly. Here’s my proposition. I know you’ve been looking for jobs elsewhere… I’ve had a few friends tell me that you asked. And I totally understand, with the way things are around here… Things are stable. And, I can tell you and Matt are having some issues.”
“That obvious, huh?” I said, frowning.

“You two went from being inseperable to not even looking at each other. Yeah, it’s obvious.”

“Look, I’m really happy with everything the agency has taught me, and I’m sad to leave it. But, I do think it is time. And maybe I should have talked to you guys about that before, and given you a heads up… But I just didn’t think about it before I sent those emails.”

“I didn’t come in here to yell at you about some emails you sent, Ella. Randy told you guys to put out your resumes, and he meant it. The agency is in some serious shit right now, and we don’t know if anyone us will be able to keep our jobs. It’s noble to go down with a sinking ship, but it’s not smart and nobody here expects you to do that.”

“So what’s your proposition then?”

“I have a friend in Colorado who runs a camp for at risk kids, but not like what we work with here. A lot of them have wealthy parents, but they act out. It’s like, a last stop before juvie type of deal. She has an opening. It’s really more of a paid internship, it’s not permanent. But, it really is kind of perfect. You go out there for a few months, the agency doesn’t have to pay you, you get more experience…”

“It sounds almost too good to be true, Sand. I mean what exactly does the program entail?”

“Honestly, Ella, I’d take this job if it weren’t for the husband and the kids. I can’t relocate. It’s a really interesting mix of therapy and hands on work. I can get you the brochure, and if you’re interested, I can have Tess call you for an interview and she could explain more. I’m sure it’s not always an easy job – you are working with kids with behavior problems – but, again, I think it’s an interesting one.”

I thought about it for a moment. It’s what I wanted, right? A way out? A break? A new experience? And if the agency really was going down in flames, this sounded like a nice add to the resume.

“Give me the brochure, and set up the interview. It wouldn’t hurt anything to hear more about it.”

“I knew you’d say yes, so she’ll be calling you tonight around eight, at home. Is that good? If you have other plans, I can let her know.”

“Nope. No other plans. I’ll be at home. Like always.”


Sandy left and then stopped by a little later to drop off the brochure. I read it over, and then spent the rest of the work day googling the camp. Like Sandra said, it was a really neat mixture of therapy and work. The camp was actually on a working farm, and the kids were expecting to care for the farm and the general run of things. Most of the feedback I looked up was positive – which surprised me. In this line of work, parents tended to get unhappy if they didn’t see instant results, or when their kids experienced set backs. But, this camp seemed to also place emphasis on home therapy as well, and even had a weekend where the families would come up and also work on the farm doing various things.

When Tess called that night, I was insanely nervous. I hadn’t been on an interview in… Well, the agency interview was pretty much my first interview. I had been with them forever. I was also a little sad at the thought of leaving them, even temporarily.

However, the conversation flowed naturally, and Tess was easy to talk too. Maybe too easy. I worried, for a moment, that I had talked too much, but at the end of the conversation, she offered me the job. I agreed, a lot more quickly than I thought. She had informed me that Cumulus was welcome on the farm as long as he passed a tolerance test and I could show his shot record. I had three weeks and then I would be on a plane to Colorado.