If you ever loved me please, have some mercy on me

“Matt told you.” I said, crossing my arms and facing him.
“No.”
“You don’t have to protect him Drew.”
“I wouldn’t. He didn’t tell me. Toni did.”

I had forgotten that I had bumped into Toni while shopping for supplies. I hadn’t told her not to tell Drew – hadn’t really thought of it. I hadn’t even really gone into detail about where I was going, just that I’d be gone for a while for work.

“Whatever. I guess who told you doesn’t really matter. I guess a better question is why are you here?”
“I think the best question is, why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”
I couldn’t help myself. I snorted.
“Really? Why didn’t I tell you? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you picked some girl you knew for two hot seconds over me.”
“Ella. That’s not the point. We’ve known each other for how long? And you were just going to leave?”
“Seriously Drew? What have you been smoking that makes you think that makes ANY sense? We have known each other for a long time, and YOU chose to cut off our friendship, which means I don’t have an obligation to tell you anything.”

He was quiet for a minute, studying me, and it put me on edge. It hurt being near him, and I just wanted him to leave.

“You have no right to be here, Drew. And you certainly have no right to question where I’m going or act hurt that I didn’t tell you. You can’t blame me for this one. You asked for space, and I gave it to you. You can’t complain for getting what you wanted.”
“You’re right Ella. Totally right.”
“Then let me ask you again. Why are you here?”

Again, he was quiet, and I thought he was just going to leave. But instead he sat down on the corner of my bed.

“This was my choice Ella, but I guess I just didn’t realize what it entailed and how difficult it would be. When I heard you were leaving, I got so pissed off. That’s why I came over here. I felt like I deserved to know what was going on, and you’re right. I don’t.”

I didn’t expect Drew to be so honest. It seemed like the last time we talked, all we had done was yell at each other and blame each other. I figured this time would go that route too, and now that it wasn’t, I didn’t know what to say or do.

“I honestly just don’t know what to tell you Drew. I said everything I had to say last time we talked. I laid it all on the line for you. You made your choice. I didn’t like it then and I still don’t like it, but it’s not my choice to make.” I paused for a moment. “Does Jessica know you’re here?”

Drew turned red. I knew she didn’t know.
“I’m not doing this Drew. I’m not hiding. If you want to be my friend and be involved in my life then she needs to know. If she can’t accept it, or you won’t tell her, then you need to pick. I can’t make you choose me, but I’m not doing this again.”
“I just…. I don’t know what I can give you Ella. I think I used Jessica as an excuse. Yes, she was the one who asked, but I think I agreed to it because I can’t handle being around you.”
“Then why are you here?” I shouted, louder than I meant too. It was just so frustrating and I was tired of running in circles with everyone.
“Because!” Drew shouted back. “I don’t know. I just… Where are you going?”

I sighed. He was deflecting, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell him anything.
“I’m going to Colorado.”
“That far? Toni said it was for work…”
“It is.” I said, standing, I turned my back and started packing.
“Ella, don’t do this.”
“Do what Drew? I have things to do.”
“Don’t shut me out. Don’t run away.”
“We’ve been over this. If anyone shut anyone out, you shut me out. I don’t know how I can be anymore clearer: you told me to leave you alone. I did. You can’t come back and demand answers just because you want to be nosey. And you know, I’m tired of the whole ‘running away’ thing.”
“I’m tired of you running whenever shit gets hard, El.”

I wanted to explode. And I came really close to doing so. I was tired of being accused of running away. Instead I took a deep breath.

“Drew, I’m going to give you an explanation – even though you don’t deserve one, but because I’m tired of always beating around the bush. I’m sure Matt told you about work’s money issues. I don’t know how much detail he got into, but it’s really bad. They told us to find new jobs and were talking furloughs. My boss found out I was sending out my resume, she got me a temporary job in Colorado. It helps build my resume and my contacts, and also cuts back on the money the agency needs to spend, which may buy them more time to come up with a solution.” I paused for a moment, to get his attention. He looked at me, and I made sure I held his eye. “I’m only going to say this one, and then I’m going to ask you to leave and to not contact me again until you can for sure say you want me back in your life. I’m not running away. I do plan to use this distance to get my head on straight and to figure things out. I miss you. Every day I miss you, and I’ve already said I want you back, but I learned my lesson with Jason, and I am not going to waste time pining over someone who doesn’t care enough about me to say he wants me around. I can’t blame you for not choosing me. I messed up. I can’t blame you for moving on. But, I can get upset when you keep flip flopping back and forth. If you want me in your life, as a friend, or as more, I’m willing to try. If you don’t, then you really do need to just let me go.”

I was scared to hear his answer. The reason I never put it on the line with Jason is because I never wanted to hear the words no. They were so final. Even when Jason treated me badly or left, there was always still hope that he’d come back. It was never final.

“I just don’t know what you want me to say, Ella.”
“What I want you to say doesn’t matter. I just want you to make a decision Drew. I deserve that much – if you ever loved me at all, at least respect me enough to be honest and make a decision.”

He was quiet for a long time, and I was just about to tell him to leave when he spoke.
“You’ve been pretty open with me Ella, and I haven’t been with you. I do still love you. I probably always will. I just don’t know if that’s a good thing, or if you’re my Jason – the one I WANT to be with, but ultimately know it’ll never work with. I don’t know if I can get over things. I don’t know if I want too. You want answers and I don’t know. I guess the best thing would be for you to leave. For us both to get some time, and to figure it out from there. I don’t want to be a Jason to you, I don’t want to keep you hanging on. I also don’t want to walk away when I’m just not sure what I want.”
“Well, then you go. And I’ll leave. We’ll just have to see, I guess.”

I couldn’t watch him leave. So I turned and busied myself with my clothes until I heard my front door shut.