I wonder if he knows, he's all I think about at night

I did drink, after I saw the pictures. Again, I know it’s cliché, and with my family history of alcoholism a little dangerous to use drinking as a coping mechanism, but I couldn’t help it. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw close ups of them. Her face, smiling. Him, looking at her like… Well, like he looked at me on prom night. And my brain and heart were arguing with each other. My brain said that if I really loved him, then all I would want is for him to be happy. And it was very clear that he was happy. But my heart, while knowing that was a novel idea, kept breaking, over and over, and one phrase kept running through my mind when I saw those mind pictures: She’s not me.
I woke up the next morning – actually it was the late afternoon, my mouth dry and tasting like I had made out with the inside of a garbage can. I had decided to go through old photos at some point, and one was pasted to the side of my face with what I hoped was drool. Other than the dry mouth, I wasn’t hung-over (the one thing I can thank the alcoholic genes for.) I did, however, have to cringe when out of the corner of my eye, I saw the blinking light of my cell phone. Messages.
Oh, technology, how I loathe your easiness when I was wasted. Any drunken fool still knows how to dial a cell phone (usually), or send a text message. And the power of these things is mighty. I didn’t want too, but I needed to face the music. And, to go through my call log and make sure I hadn’t called Jason. He wouldn’t have answered, that I was sure of. He probably didn’t even have cell phone reception, still being on his honeymoon. But I needed to see if I had to break into his voicemail and delete any messages.
Luckily, I had shut my computer down after I had seen the pictures, and sitting down at my computer desk, I saw that it was still off. There’s no way I would have gone through the effort of booting up my computer and then shutting it back down. I barely do it sober, drunk just makes me a million times more lazy. I took a drink of water that I had left on the desk (I always start off very good about taking a drinks of water along with whatever I happen to be drinking. But, of course, the more buzzed I get, the more I forget. Therefore I always end up with dry mouth in the morning.) And looked down at the messages.
Drewbie had texted twice since I last texted him, and called four times. Toni texted once and called three times. I had some other missed calls and texts, but I knew Toni and Drew were the ones I drunk texted or dialed. We all have safety nets, and these two were mine. Ever since I’d stopped being able to tell Jason everything, I subbed in Drew whenever there was something I needed to hold back. Drew knew the whole sordid affair, and had been the first one to call me when the wedding invitation arrived in the mail. Drew had been the one who had found me, a sobbing mess in the hotel room before the wedding, and was the one to finally convince me that maybe it was best if I just sat that one out.
All the boys in our little “gang” fell into sub-catagories. Jason was the geeky one, red hair, freckles, pale. But he was also the clown. Nick, was the charmer. He was chubby, always had been, always would be, but knew how to flash his eyes, and girls just loved to squeeze him and call him their teddy bear (that was, of course, until Nick married Toni. Now she’s the only one calling him her teddy bear.) He was always smoozing, always scheming, and always had a girl. Drew was by far the cutest one of the boys. He had black curly hair (but wavy-curly, not bad perm curly), deep brown eyes, and had that whole tall, dark, handsome thing going for him. His hair had a way of falling into his eyes, giving him a slight sheepish appearance. Although, I guess it wasn’t much of an appearance. While Jason was the loud funny one, and Nick the party boy social butterfly, Drew was the shy one. At first I thought he didn’t like me because he hardly ever spoke to me, and always hung back, but I spent one night with him in the ER (note to all you readers: Standing in the back of a cargo van while someone drives it around recklessly and over speedbumps SOUNDS like fun, but it is NOT a good idea.) And he ended up really opening up. Ever since then, Drew and I developed our own special relationship.
I noticed that I also had several voicemails, and I knew a couple of those had to be from Drew or Toni. I also knew that I needed some food before I even ventured into that territory. Both Drew and Toni believed in the “tell it like it is” philosophy. There was no sugar coating anything, they were going to give it to me, and they were going to be brutally honest.
I shuffled into the kitchen and rifled through the fridge. I hit jackpot: cold sesame chicken that didn’t smell like it had gone bad yet. I grabbed it and a water, and shuffled back into the living room.
I dug in with one hand, and with the other hand started going through my text. My phone saves all texts together in conversations, which can really be a handy feature in times like these.
Me: I saw the pictures
Toni: Oh, I told you that was a bad idea.
Me: She’s supposed to be me, Toni. Why isn’t she me?
Toni: I don’t know hon. I know it’s supposed to be like this. But I know it hurts you and for that I’m sry.
Me: How culd u say that? How culd he do this 2 me?
Toni: You need to just let it go, Ella. It’s over.
Me: I;;; nver let him go itll be like tittantic
Toni: You’ve been drinking? Not a good idea.

I started my conversation with Drew a little later, and it went like this:
Me: Ill nvr let go Jason. Nvr let go.
Drewbie: U know Im not Jason rite?
Me: I no, u wuld nvr leave me for Kayla kangaroo.
Drewbie: U OK?
Me: nvr b ok again. Im gunna die alone. Missed my 1 tru luv.
Drewbie: Do u need me 2 come over?
Drewbie: Seriously El I’ll come.

I groaned. It was embarrassing to be that dramatic over things. I mean, sure, it was how I really felt, but I didn’t want anyone to know like I felt like I was going to die alone. I mean, best case scenario is that at least I said it to two really close friends, but still. I didn’t really want anyone to know how hard I was hit by Jason leaving. It made it more, real, in a way.
And I didn’t really want Drew to come down, either. I’d be forced to act happy, go out and about my business. Which, I knew I needed to do. Eventually. Right now I wanted to wallow in self pity, bad food and equally bad TV.
I was getting ready to text Drew back that no, he didn’t need to come, I was just fine, when there was a knock at my door. I paused, sesame chicken halfway to my mouth, and starred at the door. I looked down at my gizmo pajama pants, raised a hand and felt my hair, in a huge rats nest, and blinked my swollen eyes. For a second I contemplated not answering, but then decided that if whoever was going to annoy me with whatever they were selling, I would at least look the part of huge crazy bitch as I told them off.
I got up, setting my Styrofoam container on my coffee table. I looked out the peephole and groaned.
“Drewbie, go home!” I shouted through the door.
“C’mon El, I drove all night. Let me in!” He called back.
“I didn’t tell you to come.” I grumbled, unlocking the door and letting him in.
“Wow, Ellie. You look like crap.” He said, walking in and looking me up and down.
“Thanks Drewbie. Go home.” I said, trying to push him out the door.
“Stop, El. I’ve got a weeks vacation. I’m staying or else Toni says she’s coming down. And, she said to tell you, she’ll bring the kids.”
I sighed and moved aside to let him back in. I love Toni and Nick’s kids, when I could give them back to her at the end of the day.
“Go get in the shower. We’re going out.”
“I don’t want to go out.” I said, curling up on the couch.
“I know you don’t. But I’m under strict orders to get you out of the house. And you can’t go out looking like you do.”
“Since when did you become Toni’s bitch?” I asked, glaring at him.
“Since when did you become Jason’s?” He returned.
While that was warranted, it still stung a little. Rather than let him see how he had gotten to me, I huffed myself off the couch and into my bedroom. I needed a shower anyway.
Under the hot, streaming water, I felt some of my anger float away. He and Toni just wanted to help out. It was a rough time for me. I was not only losing the love of my life, but my best friend. I don’t care what anyone said, Jason and I would never be the same again. And I just didn’t know what to do with this all, didn’t know how to move on. I washed my hair and body, and stepped out. I wrapped a towel around myself and stepped into my room.
“You’re naked.” Drew mumbled. He was sprawled out across my bed.
“No, I’m toweled. I very well could be though. Why are you in here?”
“I told you, I needed a nap.” He said, looking me up and down.
“Stop looking at me like that. You’ve seen me in less, Drewbie. You know there’s a futon in the computer room.”
“That thing is a death trap, and you know it. I’m not sleeping on that thing.”
“Whatever. Where are we going?” I asked, walking over to my closet.
“Out. The club. Toni said you needed loud music, a few drinks, and dancing.”
“I hate the club.” I sighed. “And I don’t have anything to wear.” I felt the tension that was relieved from my shower coming back.
“Toni said to wear the dress you were supposed to wear to Jason’s wedding.”
“Really?” I asked, a little shocked. I fingered the dress through it’s plastic.
“That’s what she said.”
I shrugged. At this point I had nothing to lose.