I don't know you anymore

Sorry so late, I'm sick, and spent the whole day sleeping, lol. This is where I'm glad I write ahead so I don't end up empty handed...

I stood in the grass, wet with morning dew. I watched the puppies romp around the yard, and I’d bend down to pet and praise them when they stopped to do their business. I heard Jason walk up behind me.
“I tell you that we need to talk about something and you walk off?” He questioned. I turned to face him.
“I just don’t see how we could possibly have anything to talk about.” I answered, shrugging my shoulders but not turning to face him. I walked over to the picnic table, climbed on top and sat with my feet resting on the bench. I still was facing away from him, and I heard him sigh and follow me.
“Look, Ella.” He said, coming up behind me. He sat next to me. “I’m sorry.”
I snorted, a reflex. I didn’t want to have this conversation. The only thing that hurt worse than being rejected was having that person then feel sorry for rejecting you. It made you not only a reject, but a pathetic reject.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Jason raise an eyebrow, questioningly.
I sighed. “OK, I’ll bite. Sorry for what?”
“I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us. Sorry for… Everything I guess.”
“You didn’t hurt me.”
Now it was Jason’s turn to snort.
“Ella I think I know you a little better than you like to think.”
“You did Jason. You don’t know me anymore.”
There was tense silence for a few seconds, and then Jason sighed.
“Do you feel any better?” He asked.
I couldn’t help but laugh. For someone who claimed to know me so well he really didn’t have a clue.
“What?” He asked, confused.
“Nothing. I’m better. How was the wedding?”
He smiled, a slow steady smile. I fought the urge to cringe. I didn’t want to bask in his happiness.
“Perfect, Ella. I wish you could have been there. Everything was just perfect. They say weddings are for the women, and I wasn’t into the planning at all, but she just did such a great job with everything and she looked…” He trailed off, smiling again.
I wanted to vomit. I felt my head start to spin like it did when I saw the wedding pictures.
He looked over at me. “Are you sure you’re not still sick? You’re looking a little pale.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just… Hungry.”
“Oh. Well.” He glanced at his watch. “It’s breakfast time. You want to hit up Big Boy’s for the buffet?”
“Sure.” I answered, standing. I was grateful for any reason to get out of the house and not be the only person alone with him.

I went in the house and dressed quickly. I had yet to bleach out the crate for the puppies, and didn’t feel safe leaving them in the living room by themselves, so I quickly puppy-proofed the bathroom and stuck them in there. I made a mental note to come home and bring up and wash out the large crate I had stored in my basement. I would need to talk to Nancy and see if she could let me borrow more crates. While the crate I had was for the size of a St. Bernard, and would house all of them for now, I don’t know how long that would work. I felt a little pang at leaving them alone, hearing them cry for me. I made a mental note to stop by the store and pick up some treats and new toys.
Jason was waiting in my car when I came out. I was kind of annoyed that he just assumed he would drive, in my car none the less. But I was starting to feel the effects of being woken up at 6:30, and the draining argument we had this morning, and I didn’t feel like fighting anymore. I slid in the car and shut the door behind me.
All I could hear was the whirring of the air conditioner. Even at this early hour, it was still hot and muggy outside. The end of summer in Ohio always seemed to be miserable, and I couldn’t wait for fall to get here. I reached forward to snap on the radio, hoping for someone’s voice to come on and relieve the awkwardness of the silence. Jason reached forward and blocked my hand. I shot him an annoyed look.
“I came to talk, Ella, and the radio isn’t going to help us do that.”
I slumped back, sighing and pouting. “When are you going home again?”
“Tomorrow. Why? Is it that hard to spend so much time with me.”
Yes. “No.” I answered.
He reached over the center console and grabbed my hand. I jumped a little. He looked over at me and raised an eyebrow again.
“I just. I don’t know how to be around you anymore Jason.” I blurted out. I didn’t mean to be so honest, but I didn’t know what else to do. Here he was, acting like we did when he was single, and I didn’t know if I could handle that. And, I also didn’t know if it was OK. If I was married I wouldn’t want my husband to go around holding girls hands and acting… Well, like he was dating them. Which, is exactly how Jason and I used to act.
“Nothing’s changed El. We’re still us.”
I loved Jason. But sometimes I felt like the boy was so… Clueless.
“No, we’re not.” I answered, pulling my hand away from his. “You and Kayla, you guys are an us. You and me, are just that. A you, and a me.”
“You’re mad at me because I got married?” He asked, looking over at me.
“Not mad Jason. It just changes things. You had to have known that.”
“I don’t see what Kayla and I being married has anything to do with me and you.”
“Because.” I sighed, exasperated. “You can’t kiss me and cuddle me and do all that when you have a wife, Jason.”
“Ella. Nobody was kissing you. It’s a hand hold. That’s it.” He answered.
Maybe I was freaking out over nothing. I just didn’t want to risk going back there. I didn’t want Jason to give me an inch and I try to take a mile and either lose him or go too far. I didn’t know how much I could handle, and I didn’t know how I could tell him that without also telling him that he had broken my heart, and I was still in love with him. Drew said he still knew, but I wasn’t sure if he did or not. And I didn’t want to make sure.
We got to Big Boy’s and both of us were obviously frustrated. I was hoping after we ate I could go home, get a nap in, and maybe de-stress a little. I did want to re-connect with Jason, but all of this felt far too soon, and far too forced. I needed space, time, and I had no idea how to ask for it or achieve it.
We were show to the table and Jason and I headed to the buffet. We separated, and I made it back to the table before him. He came back with two plates, both loaded with food.
“I thought you were hungry?” He asked, eyeing my plate.
“I thought you were human, not a horse.” I answered, eyeing his.
We chewed in silence for a few moments, listening to conversations around us. The waitress came, refilling our drinks, and Jason cleared his throat.
“How’s the marines going?” I asked.
“Good, I’m thinking of re-signing.”
“Oh.” I paused. I didn’t like Jason being in the Marines. But, did anyone like the idea of their loved one having a dangerous job like that? Sure, I was proud. There was no denying that, but I still would have felt better had he been a teacher or a cars salesman or something. “How does Kayla feel about it?”
He shrugged, still chewing, and then swallowed. “I mean, she’s not happy about it, but she knows it’s what I want. She knew what she was getting into.”
“Oh.” I felt almost as if that was a stab at me. I had never handled Jason being gone very well. I shook it off, and told myself to stop being so sensitive and paranoid.
“Ella?” Jason questioned.
“Huh?” I hadn’t realized Jason had been talking.
“Where’d you go?” He asked, smiling.
“Nowhere, I was just… Thinking. What’d you say?”
“There’s talk of another tour. Rumors, right now. But, it’s been my experience that rumors tend to have some truth to them.”
“Oh wow. How does Kayla feel about that?”
“Well… Again, she doesn’t like it, but she knew it was probably going to happen.” He set down his fork, looking up at me, his face turning serious. “She, uh. Wants a baby.”
I stopped chewing, and swallowed harshly. I felt the hash browns I had been munching on lump back together in my throat. I coughed, and took a drink of water. “Little soon, isn’t it?”
“Well. She’s worried that if something were to happen, that she’d be left alone. She really wants kids, and… Well, she wants my kids.”
“You could always, you know. Freeze your sperm.” I said, feeling a little awkward. Could this visit honestly get any worse?
“I mean, that’s costly, El. And… Kayla can’t have kids. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“If she can’t have kids, then why is it even a problem?” I asked. I felt a small sense of relief knowing that she couldn’t. It was selfish, childish, and immature, and I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, but having to suck up and be happy for Jason getting married was hard enough. Pretending to be happy about a pregnancy? I don’t think I could manage that one. “Why can’t she have kids anyway?”
“Don’t let her know I told you this, it’s her business El, and I don’t know how much she wants everyone to know. But, she was raped when she was younger. It was… Pretty brutal, and there’s too much scarring.”
“Oh.” I felt like such an asshole. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know, but she’s OK. She put in a lot of work, she’s really strong. But, that’s kinda why I wanted to come down and talk to you.”
“Oh?” I asked, wondering why exactly he needed to talk to me about Kayla’s fertility issues and desire to have a baby.
“We want you to have our baby.” Jason blurted out.