I close my eyes and the flashbacks start...

I was a drama loving teenager, so we’ll leave out the countless times that I called Jason up on the phone at four in the morning, crying over some nonsense. So we’ll flash back to a couple choice moments to show you what kind of guy Jason was.

The first major time was when I was 17, and senior prom rolled around. I didn’t date much in high school, I had grown up in a small town where everyone knew everyone. I knew who pooped their pants in first grade, who threw up on who’s dad’s shoes in fourth grade… I grew up with these boys. And they were too much like brothers for me to get romantically interested in. Senior year that all changed. Jake Catunio was new to our little school. Tall, dark, handsome stranger rolled around. And he was gorgeous.
Jake was not interested in me. Jake was interested in everybody BUT me, and he seemed to be especially interested in anyone who was a close friend of mine. So I once again fell into the position of being the best friend, and not the girlfriend. However, prom popped up, and I wanted to do it up big. It was the last big hurrah of school, and the girls and I planned to dropped tons of money to make it a night to remember. Hair, dress, shoes, limo, and we all wanted dates.
I was shocked, personally, when Jake asked me to the prom. Being his best friend, I knew he was holding a serious crush on two different girls – who both happened to have pretty serious boyfriends. He thought it’d be fun to go together, and while I realized it was just as friends, I was still excited. Call me young, call me stupid, call me naïve, call me a watcher of too many teen romance comedies… But I just had this scene in my head that when I came down the stairs in the perfect dress with the perfect hair, and the perfect shoes, and the perfect makeup, that Jake would fall in love, and we’d have the perfect night, and everything would be – perfect.
I spent an insane amount of time combing through dress after dress. I ordered three online, had them shipped overnight, and sent them all back, because while they were good, they were not good enough. I spent hours online with Jason, sending him link after link to dress websites, asking him – is this the one? And when I finally did find it, I spent an insane amount of money on it.
It’s funny, I don’t even really remember many details about that dress now. I know it was a halter dress, because they look best on me, it was tight over my chest and then flowed down to hide my “trouble” areas (ha, yes, at 17 I thought I had trouble areas!) The bottom was flowing and it was the color of a sunset.
I bought it with a week to spare. Two days before prom, I went to meet my friend Kellie to get a mani/pedi (I hate pedicures, and frankly am terrified of them, but I had open toed shoes, and I think I stressed the importance of how perfect this night had to be.) I walked into the salon and was met with Kellie’s surprise.
“Oh!” She jumped up to greet me. “You came!”
“Yeah!” I said, laughing and hugging her. “Why wouldn’t I have?”
“I just heard about Jake is all. I mean it’s kinda pointless to go through all this if you don’t have a date. Might as well save a few bucks since you’ll have to buy yourself dinner, you know!” She said, chuckling.
I stopped. I felt the color drain from my face.
“What do you mean, you heard about Jake?”
She stopped laughing. “You mean HE didn’t tell you?” She sounded outraged.
“Tell me what, Kel?”
She sighed. “Oh no, this is NOT my job. But if I don’t tell you, will he? You should really hear it from him. But I mean, it’s two days away and he still hasn’t told you so is he going too….”
“Kellie!” I said, hissing through my teeth, interrupting the argument she was having with herself.
“Oh!” She squeaked. “Becca broke up with her boyfriend because he was cheating on her and now he’s taking new skank girl to prom and Bec was really upset and Jake found out and you know he likes her so he figured he could save the day and asked her to prom he said you wouldn’t care because you weren’t real dates just friends.” She stuttered through quickly, without pausing for a breath.
I sunk down in the chair. My dress. My hair. My shoes. They all disappeared in little clouds of smoke. Looking at Kellie’s face, I saw she was concerned, and I knew I had to act like I didn’t care.
“Well, it would have been nice to know but…” I shrugged.
“You’re still going right? I mean, it wouldn’t be fun without you.” She said, sliding down next to me.
I knew I had to go. It’s not like a date was required, and if I didn’t show… Well, people would feel sorry for me. Because I got dumped. Not even for real dumped though, friend dumped.
“Oh sure. I’ll be there. With freshly done nails too!” I said, faking a grin and waving my own nails, torn and jagged, in her face.

I arrived home, bummed, and slunk down on the couch. I had a tanning appointment at three, and I fingered the phone, contemplating canceling. I wasn’t big on the fake baking, and had never really tanned in real life. I did enjoy laying in the sun with a book, feeling the warmth of rays starting to slowly cook my skin (and while I realize that may sound like I’m being sarcastic, I’m not. I know it’s a weird, slightly gross way to put it, but I think it every time I lay in the sun and start to get that glowy warm feeling this thought always pops up in my mind: I’m being cooked.) But actually working to tan just seemed like… Too much work to me.
It shocked me a little when the phone rang. I almost dropped it, but regained my composure and answered.
“H’lo?” I mumbled, getting up to raid the fridge.
“Hey El, what are you doing? More froo-froo prom stuff?” Jason laughed.
“Oh, hey Jay. No, no more prom stuff.” I said, unable to hide the twinge of sadness in my voice.
“Really?” He sounded honestly surprised. “Just yesterday it was all about prom. Nail appointments and hair appointments and dress colors and all that junk.”
“Yesterday I had a date.” I said glumly.
“You’re date bailed? And prom’s in like, what, a week?”
“Two days.”
“What’s his excuse? Dead grandma?”
I paused for a minute, lifting my nail up to my mouth and realized I couldn’t chew these hard acrylic nails. Instead I tapped a finger on my chin.
“Ella?” Jason prompted.
“The girl he liked became available. Her boyfriend dumped her and left her without a prom date. So, he was rescuing her.” I shrugged.
“Oh what a douche in shining armor.” Jason snorted.
“Jason… Don’t.”
“I know your sad, El, and I don’t like that.” His voice suddenly got soft and quiet.
“I’m OK.” I mumbled.
“You’re disappointed.” It wasn’t a question, simply a statement, and one I could not argue with.
“Yeah well…”
“Is there anyone else you can go with?”
“I mean, there probably is, but nobody I want to go with. I’d rather go alone. I’ll be fine.” I said, sounding more sure of myself than I felt.
“You sure?” He asked.
“Positive.”

I hung up with Jason after promising to call him after prom. I was supposed to go with a group of friends out to another friend’s cabin, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to tag along or not. I figured I’d play it by ear and see how the night went, if I had fun, I’d go. If for some reason, I remained bummed, or felt like a third wheel, I’d come home to the loving arms of my favorite old tee shirt and old classic romance movies.
I spent the night before prom at Kellie’s house, doing facials and giggling, and trying to put myself in as much prom mood as I possibly could. It was fun to stay up with the girls, to watch bad teen romance movies that centered around the prom, to sneak into the band candy’s supplies (the band boosters ran the concession stands at all the games, earning the band money. Kellie’s Mom was the President of the band boosters, and therefore her house was always chock full of candy, soda, and chips that they sold at the game.) We all started with the plan to sleep on the floor, but somehow after watching Carrie and freaking each other out, we ended up jamming four girls into her small twin. I don’t even remember falling asleep that night, I remember one second playing “fuck him, marry him, throw him off a bridge” and the next second waking up a foot in my face.
It was hard to get as excited as the other girls were while we were getting ready. They had someone to impress and I had… Myself? And to be honest, I went around in track pants and tee shirts most of the time, I wasn’t that hard to impress. If we had been a bigger school, maybe I could have tricked myself into thinking there’d be someone there who I’d impress. Someone new. But I literally knew everyone in school by name, and if anyone brought someone new, they’d most likely be coming as a date. I let my mind briefly cross to the dark side, hoping I’d impress Jake enough to feel bad about his choice, but I really didn’t want Becca to get dumped twice. It’s not like she had asked him to take her, he had offered.
The parents, excited to see their first, last or just another child all dressed up, decided they would call us down one by one, fashion show style, so everyone could ooh and ahh over us. Our dates would be waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I made Kellie’s little six year old nephew promise he’d stand at the bottom waiting to escort me.
I made their girls let me go last. I figured since I was dateless, we wouldn’t have to pose for as many pictures, and could leave right after I got down.
I waited upstairs for what felt like forever as I heard parents cheer and cameras go off for the other girls. Finally I hear Kellie’s Dad call for me.
“Ella Enchanted!” He joked. “C’mon down!”
I sighed and pushed myself off of Kellie’s bed. I gave myself one last once over in the mirror hanging on the back of the door, sighed, and plastered a smile on my face. Most of the songs would be fast songs anyway, I’d have fun dancing with the girls, and I’m sure at least one of them would make sure their dates would dance with me during one slow song. I stepped out of her room, and made my way to the staircase. I paused at the top to pose so pictures could be taken. I was blinded for a second by all the flashes, but as my vision cleared and I looked down on all the families and friends waiting for me, my eyes finally rested on the face waiting at the bottom of the stairs for me. And my heart stopped. It wasn’t Jordan, Kellie’s nephew. My heart skipped a beat.
“Jason!” I screamed. I couldn’t get down the stairs fast enough. The parents laughed and Kellie squealed and Jason cracked his famous wide smile. I got to the bottom and jumped into his open arms.
“You look amazing, El.” He whispered into my ear, and he picked me up slightly and squeezed me into a hug.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, with my arms still wrapped around his neck.
“Being your knight in shining amour.” He said, setting me down and smiling again.

We took picture after picture, I couldn’t stop looking at Jason. At how perfect this all was, how good he looked, how right we felt. Jason and I had altered between having crushes on each other the whole time we’d been friends, but we’d never done anything about it. The timing wasn’t right, or we’d realize it when he was in Indiana and I was in Ohio. But I knew from the beginning, tonight was going to be special.

I won’t go into all the boring details of how dinner tasted, how we danced to every song, how Jason held me close and we didn’t even feel the need to talk. I had wanted a movie perfect date, and I got it. Jake did take notice in how I looked, and made it a point to tell me I looked good, but Jason put his hand protectively around my waist, and Jake took the hint and went back to his date. The icing on the cake for the night, was going out to the cabin. We ate tons of food, played loud music and danced some more, played truth or dare, and even at one point the girls all jumped into the lake (ruining our hair, makeup, and REALLY expensive dresses, but we’d probably never wear them again anyway. We all ended up donating them to Cinderella’s Closet, where the were professionally cleaned and resold at five dollars a dress to girls who otherwise couldn’t afford a prom dress.) After it had died down a little, Jason took me by the hand and led me out to the deck. He sat down in a chair, and I sat down on his lap, pulling a blanket over us both. I laid there, my head resting on his chest, his head resting on mine, just talking and star gazing.
“You didn’t have to come all the way out here just for me. I know you had to work.” I said. I had also wondered how much money Jason had spent. He had become really tight fisted about his cash flow lately, as he and his Dad had begun to fight more and more. He was desperate to get out of the house and out from under his father.
“I know. I toyed with it for awhile after we had gotten off the phone, but I knew had I offered to come, you would have said no. You just sounded so… Disappointed.” He said, his voice low. He twirled a piece of my still damp hair around his finger.
“I was disappointed.” I admitted, shrugging. “But, I would have gotten over it.”
“Well, I hopped online later and tried to IM you, but I got Kellie instead. She said you had logged on when you stopped at her house after the salon, and she had forgotten to sign you off. We talked about you, and she said you had been pretty bummed too. So she filled me in on all the details and got me a prom ticket.”
“Kellie helped you do this?” I said, turning slightly to look at him. “Can’t keep anything a secret for more than a second, Kellie?”
He smiled and touched my cheek. “It was worth it you know. You really did look just…” He trailed off, looking into my eyes. My stomach jumbled as I knew what was coming. I felt my eyes involuntarily start to close. The next thing I knew, his lips, warm and firm, were on mine.
The next thing I knew, I was melting into him.

The night Jason made my dream prom night come true. He also made me fall head over heels, undeniably in love with him. Regardless of our connection that night, we never made it “official” so to speak. I’m not sure why not, but I just knew Jason was mine. Again, I repeat, he was such a big part of me, how could I ever lose that? And now that I have lost it, I can’t help but wonder: Does that mean I’m losing myself?