It's beautiful missing someone so much

Jason and I hadn’t always had good times. Shortly after the Tater incident, what turned out to be the beginning of the end as us as I knew it, Jason called me and told me that his old sister Jen thought she was pregnant. Jen and Sean had continued to date on and off, he would get sick of her shit and break up with her, only to be dragged back in all over again. She had already had one baby with Sean, a beautiful baby boy who we all loved, but was overwhelmed by the thought of having two before she was even out of college. She talked to Jason and said that if she was pregnant, she planned on having an abortion.
Jason explained all of this in great detail, ranting and raving and going on and on about ‘how could she do that.’ While abortion was never an option for me, I strongly believed in the rights of women. And I found it a little hard to stomach at times when men got a say in something that they didn’t have to go through.
There’s a great song by John Mayer, called “my stupid mouth”. My best friend once told me that it should be my theme song, and she’s right. I’m so outspoken and so opinionated that I have a really hard time knowing what I should say and when I should bite my tongue. So I spoke up, I told Jason that I personally thought he was not only being selfish, but an idiot, and that it was his sisters body, and therefore should be her choice.
Jason hung up on me. And he wouldn’t answer my calls.
We didn’t speak for months. I had given up on trying to call him, he’d either answer and hang up, or click ignore. I wouldn’t apologize for what I said, but I did apologize several times for offending him. Still, I heard nothing in response.
I went through every emotion I think possible. From anger to annoyed, to sad, to feeling sorry for myself. I had days where I didn’t want to get out of bed. Days where I missed Jason so much that my body hurt physically. I went through bursts of not caring, being insanely happy, being content. Finally, I had just plain gotten used to it. I was online one night, working on a paper for school randomly logged into my instant messager when I got the IM:
CasaBlanco: Hi. Do you mind if I call?
McElla: Um. Do you remember the number?
CasaBlanco: lol
Jason had laughed but I hadn’t been kidding. I sat with my phone in my hand, actually nervous to talk to him. I was so preoccupied with the nervous, bunched up, churning feeling in my stomach, that I actually threw the phone when it rang. I dived across the bed and answered.
“Hello?” I said, hesitating slightly.
“Hey El. Been awhile. How you been?” He said, laughing a little.
“Good. Busy.” I kept my tone light, and guarded myself. I left out that I had been seeing someone. “You sound happy. What have you been up too?”
“Not much… Working… I enlisted.” He said calmly.
“Enlisted in what?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. Jason had talked about enlisting in the Marines since… Well, forever. I didn’t think he’d actually do it though.
“The Marines, Ella. My Dad and I just got into a huge blow out and he hit me. So I hit him back. He told me to get out, and this time he meant for good. I crashed for a little while on Sean’s couch, but I don’t want to live like that. So I finally took the plunge and enlisted.”
“You enlisted just because you and your Dad fought? You guys are always fighting.” I said, chewing on a nail.
“You know I’ve always wanted to do this Ella. Don’t sound so sad, I’m excited!”
“When do you leave?” I asked.
“I’m not sure yet. I haven’t even been officially accepted, I have to run through a bunch of tests and things. Physicals and placement testing.”
“Oh.” Was all I could say.

We hung up shortly after. The weeks drug on and I felt like I was suddenly in a fog again. A Jason induced fog. My boyfriend at the time, Chris, could sense my distraction and was jealous. We started fighting. A lot. And when we fought, I ran to Jason, like I always used too. Jason heard all the horrible things Chris said to me while we were fighting (to be fair to him, I said my own horrible things to warrant them. But of course, I never told Jason what I had said, only how mean Chris had been.) And Jason begun to hate him. I already suspected Jason was a little jealous when I told him I had a boyfriend. I had never really dated a lot during Jason and my friendship. He wasn’t used to me being taken. Jason and I begun to fight because when I was happy with Chris, he would still knock on him. It all came to a head one night.
Chris and I were house sitting for his father and step-mother. I was upset because it was supposed to be just Chris and I. At the time, Chris lived with his Mother, and I still lived at home while going to school. We hardly ever had any time alone, and I had been looking forward to it. I was extremely pissed when I walked in and found Chris’ cousin Mike, who I didn’t get along to begin with, playing video games on the couch.
Chris and I ended up getting into a huge argument, Mike jumped in as well, and it made me even angrier that Chris was letting his cousin, who had no place in our relationship, say the things he was saying to me. I had tried to leave, buy Chris had blocked the door, saying he didn’t want me driving when I was so upset. I ended up locking myself in Chris’ parents room, with Chris banging on the door, trying to get in to continue the argument that I was already so over. I had my cell phone, and I decided to call Jason.
“What’s going on?” He asked when he answered, hearing the noise in the background.
“Chris and I are fighting.”
“Oh.” Was all he said.
“Aren’t you going to ask me what happened?” I asked, annoyed by his lack of sympathy.
“No, you two are always fighting. The guy is a jerk El, and if you stay with him, that’s what you deserve.”
“That’s not fair Jason.” I snapped. I felt like everyone was ganging up on me.
“Yes it is. If you don’t like it, then break up with him, it’s that simple.”
“It’s not that simple, I love him.”
Jason snorted. “If you think that’s love? You’re an idiot.”
“I’m the idiot? Who stayed with the girl who cheated on him and dumped him? Who begged her to come back by sending her flowers when she ran off to Arizona? To meet some guy off the freaking internet?”
“You’re so freaking needy and clingy Ella.”
“Funny, I was about to say the same for you. You’re just jealous that for once I’m not chasing you around like some puppy on a leash. I’m not with you, and you hate that. Admit it.”
“Please Ella.” He said, and I could just picture him rolling his eyes.
“What?”
“It’s just about time you moved on. I am. I’m getting my own life, joining the marines, and you hate that. You hate that for once you’re not a part of something I’m doing. You latch on to people, and you suck the life out of them.” He voice had turned mean, hateful. His words stung. I was already wounded from the fight with Chris, I wasn’t looking for this.
“I don’t care about you leaving, Jason. They can send you to Iraq and you can die, and I wouldn’t give a damn.” I said. I calculated my words so they were devoid of emotion. Low, even, clean. It was a damning blow.
“Fuck you Ella.” Jason spit back, hanging up the phone.

It took about two seconds for me to realize exactly what I said. I mean, most people had one point said that they didn’t care if someone died, or that they were so angry they could kill them. For the most part, it was just an expression. But, for Jason, it was a real possibility. We were at the start of the Iraq war, and it was a very real possibility that Jason would get sent over there. And people were dying every day.
I felt the regret build in my stomach. I made it to the bathroom just in time, and managed to throw up in the toilet. I wanted to call him back, to express my guilt, to apologize. But, I knew Jason. I knew he was incredibly angry and hurt. And I knew that my words would mean nothing now. I would have to wait.
I snuck downstairs. I heard Chris and Mike laughing in the kitchen. I snuck out the front door, got in my car as quietly as possible, and left. I drove home, and picked up the phone and called Sean.
“What happened?” He asked, hearing the tears in my voice.
“I’m a bitch, that’s what happened.” I sobbed. “Chris and I got into a fight, and I called Jason. And he just started in on me. So then we started fighting and he said some mean things and then I said something horrible and now he’s never going to talk to me again.” I was whining. I hated it when anyone whined, myself included.
“What’d he say?” Sean asked. I heard him munching on something.
“He told me I sucked the life out of people and I needed to get over him.”
“Harsh.” Sean said. “What’d you say back?” His words were slightly mumbled, his mouth was full.
“That I didn’t care if he left for the Marines.” I paused, not wanting to repeat the next part. “That I didn’t care if they sent him to Iraq and he died.”
“Oh Ella.” Seans voice rushed out.
“I know Sean. I didn’t mean it, but…”
“What he said wasn’t nice either.” Sean countered. “Did you apologize?”
“Sean you know Jason. I’ve got to give him a few days to get over it.”
“Yeah, you both are like that. Grudge holders.” I heard someone speaking in the background. A whine of a baby, Jen’s harsh voice, Sean covering the phone.
“I’ll let you go.” I said.
“Sorry El.” He replied, and hung up. Jen had him on a short leash.

I contemplated calling Drew, wondering if he would have any ideas on how to fix it, but remembered that when I had talked to Drew earlier, he had mentioned going out on a date. I didn’t want to interrupt him. I sighed, and got into bed. It was early, but I was exhausted.

Jason and I didn’t speak for another month. I didn’t hound him as much this time, as I did last time, but sent an apology email, and told him I was going to wait until he contacted me. When he finally did call me, I wasn’t as shocked as I was the first time. I was starting to realize (after a conversation with Drewbie.) That Jason and I were both changing. And we were going to crack and split a little, but eventually we were either going to grow together, or apart. I was banking on the fact that we’d grow together.
I was shocked, however, when Jason dropped the bomb that he was leaving for Parris Island in a month. The Marines bootcamp was the longest of all military bootcamps, he’d be there for thirteen weeks.
I cried.
Jason and my relationship had been strained for awhile now. When he and his dad really started fighting, Jason shut down and closed everyone out. Gone were our four hour rambling phone conversations, his random visits to Ohio. He became flaky, hard to get ahold of. What had once seemed like a budding romance between best friends suddenly turned into a struggling friendship.
However, when he told his Dad he was going into the Marines, things suddenly changed for them. His Dad started listening to him, respected him in a way. While this was the reaction I knew Jason had secretly hoped for, it made me sick in a way. I don’t think your child should have to jump through hoops in order for you to love them. It did work out in my favor though. With the weight of a strained father-son relationship off Jason’s shoulders, he became mine again. We were talking, daily, for hours. He was planning a huge trip down before he left for South Carolina. He promised to write as much as he could.
I had a work event and couldn’t make it to Jason’s goodbye party. He was supposed to come down the next day… Only he didn’t. And he didn’t call either. When I finally got him on the phone he gave a lame excuse about being hungover.
“Sorry El. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to make it down there before I leave.”
“It’s OK.” It wasn’t, but what else was I supposed to say? “Just promise you’ll write?”
“Promise El.”
“I’ll miss you, Jay.”
“I’ll miss you, too, Ella.”

We hung up then. The day he left, I went on as normal. But, my heart felt heavy. I didn’t feel like myself.
I gave him a week to settle in. And then I would race home from work, checking the mail. Bills, junk mail, occasionally an invitation to a party or a wedding. But nothing from Jason. After the first month I stopped counting. I stopped looking. I moped.
Drew called me on it. He tried to shake me out of my funk, but I could never get past faking it. I missed Jason. I was angry, hurt, and sad. I felt forgotten about, like I didn’t matter. I knew then that Drew ha d been right, both Jason and I were changing. And I wasn’t sure if I liked the new Jason.