Flashback: I want you to know, and feel it in your soul, that someone has come and gone

The party was packed, and I felt a little claustrophobic walking into the wall of people. The house was dimly lit, with loud music, loud talking, and random bursts of laughter and screeches. Nick and Toni saw some friends they knew in Sean’s parent’s living room, and headed over towards them. Drew held fast to my hand, giving it a little squeeze. I looked back at him and winked to let him know I was OK.
I figured I’d settle in, say hi to some people I knew, and try to calm my nerves before I sought Jason out. I wanted to wait towards the end of the night to tell Jason anyway, so that I wouldn’t ruin his going away party. Part of me was worried that I would change my mind again, but the other half knew that if I was worried about it, then it was the right thing to do, and therefore I wouldn’t change my mind.
I didn’t want to drink too much, I didn’t want to be drunk when I told Jason, I wanted to be able to choose my words, not slur the first ones that came to mind. Still, I did want something to ease my nerves a little, so I took a Smirnoff from the cooler on the back deck, and sipped it slowly, glancing out at the backyard. I felt eyes on me, and I turned to see a short, slightly chubby but cute girl staring at me. I met her gaze, and realized too late she took that as an invitation to start talking to me.
“Hi, I’m Molly.” She said, strolling over towards me and extending her hand. I took it and shook it.
“Ella.” I answered, turning away from her slightly to glance back out at the yard.
“You came with Drew?” She asked, either ignoring the fact that I obviously didn’t want to talk, or oblivious to it.
“Yes, Drew, Nick, and Toni.”
“Oh, are you two, like, together?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. I glanced back over at her and was sorry I did. She looked a little hurt, and on second glance, she looked a little young. I pegged her to be around my age, which I guess wasn’t too young, but I got the vibe that she acted more her age than I did.
“Me and Drewbie? No. We’ve been friends for a really long time though. That’s why I laughed, it’s just weird to think about dating him.”
“Oh.” She smiled, and it was with that I realized she was actually pretty beautiful. “Does he have a girlfriend?”
“Drew?” I took another sip. “No.”
“We went on a date.” She said, lowering her voice as if it was some big secret. “I thought we had a good time, but. Then he kind of disappeared. When you showed up with him, I thought maybe you two…”
“Nope, we’re not together.” I said, feeling another pang when I said this. I chalked it up to jealously. I liked my boys, and I felt like they were all leaving me. I couldn’t help but add, “he was with me though, these last couple weeks.” I couldn’t take the slight possessive tone out of my voice, either.
“Oh.” I watched her eyes drop, and felt bad.
“I just had some drama going on though. Drew’s like that, you know. Helping people out. You should go find him. He’s back now, so maybe he’ll ask you on that second date.”
She smiled and left, I assumed to go find Drew. I chose to duck down and go sit under Sean’s parents deck. Years ago we had set up a little swing under there. It was dark, and people usually forget it was there, so I assumed I would be alone. I took a step back when I saw a form in the swing, but relaxed once my eyes adjusted and saw that it was just Sean.
“Well lookie here. Where’s the little wifey?” I joked, surprised that Jen didn’t have him on a leash.
“We couldn’t find a sitter, so the kids are upstairs. The baby woke up so she’s putting her back to sleep.” He paused, and I saw he had a beer in his hand, he lifted it to his lips and took a long pull. “Hell, she may be done with all that. But, I’m hiding out. I’m here to have a good time and I cannot stand the sound of her voice right now.”
I slid in next to him. “Uh oh, trouble in paradise?” I joked. Sean was definitely drunk, I could feel him sway slightly beside me.
“There’s always trouble where Jen is.” He grumbled.
I patted his leg, and he took my hand. I felt a little awkward, Sean and I hadn’t been around each other much lately, but I let it go.
“I should never have married her. Doing the right thing always gets you fucked in the end.” He said.
“Sean, is she really that bad?” I asked. I mean, of course I thought Jen was a horrible bitch, but there had to be something good about her, right?
“Ella, yes. Yes, she is. She’s a great Mom. And she does love me. But she’s so mean and bossy! Things are only good if I do exactly what she says, when she says it. Then I feel like I’m in prison though. When I do what I want, the punishment usually isn’t worth the crime. When I don’t do what I want, I’m miserable anyway. I feel stuck.”
I was quiet for a moment. I knew Sean would not be telling me all of this if he wasn’t drunk. He was a very private person and also liked to keep up appearances. A lot of people said he and Jen got married too young, and I know he’d hate to let anyone know that they might just be right.
“Have you tried talking to her about it? Or like, therapy or something?”
Sean laughed a sad, sarcastic snort. “You know Jen, Ella. Does that sound like something I could do with her?”
Nope. It sure didn’t. Sean and I sat there, him chugging beers in long swigs, emptying one, throwing it behind him, and reaching into a cooler that I hadn’t noticed for another.
“How many have you drank?” I asked.
“Not enough.” Was his reply.
I decided it was probably best to leave Sean alone to wallow in beer and self pity, so I let go of his hand, patted him on the leg again, and got up to leave. Just as I was walking out, Jen caught sight of me.
“Sean’s under there, isn’t he?” She asked, she looked me up and down. I assumed she was looking for evidence of cheating.
“Yup.” I answered. I didn’t really want to get into it with her, not here and now. I figured maybe if I kept things short, sweet, and honest, she would leave me alone.
“He’s drunk, isn’t he?” She asked again.
“Yup.” I replied. I waited to see if she had anything else to ask.
I was surprised to see her sigh deeply and run her hand through her hair, looking both frustrated and sad. Sometimes I forgot that Jen was a person, and every person, even a mean person, also had feelings. For the first time in awhile, I really looked at Jen. And noticed how tired and run down she looked.
“Whatever he said, just… Forget it, OK?” There was a hint of pleading in her voice. Had I been like Jen, I probably would have smiled, and shook my head no. But, I actually felt bad for her.
“Yup.” I answered. She nodded once, a thank you, and ducked down into the darkness.

I hung around a bit longer, catching up with Drew, who was now chatting to Molly and laughing. He caught my eye, shot me a look, and I nodded. Yes, I was OK. He eyed me up and done, much like Jen had, looking for clues that I was lying. Finding none, he turned back to his conversation. I hung out with Nick and Toni, the three of us joking and inventing the worlds worst dances. I laughed hard, for the first time in awhile. As the night got later, more and more people left. When I spotted Kayla leaving, I decided it was the best time to go seek out Jason.
I found him in the barn, playing beer pong with a group of guys I didn’t know.
“Ella!” He greeted me loudly. He was drunk. I hesitated as I hugged him, and wondered if I should still tell him. I decided it was now or never, and while he may react badly now, in the morning when he sobered up, he’d remember and come and find me.
“Hey, Jay. Can you and I go somewhere and talk, maybe?” I asked.
“Sure! Sure!” He replied. “Guys, I’ll be back.” He said, even though his friends had already returned to their game and were paying no attention to him.
He took me under the porch, where I was worried that Sean and Jen would be, either arguing or making up. However, the swing was empty, and the only sign that Sean had been around were the empty beer bottles and the cooler. I wondered if Jen had put him to bed like the rest of her babies.
Jason reached into the cooler and pulled out two beers. He handed one to me, but I just shook my head. I was not a beer drinker. Jason shrugged and opened both bottles, drinking from both.
“So, what’s up Bella-Ella? Did you know Bella means beautiful? Bella-Ella, beautiful Ella.” He said, smiling.
Again, I thought about stopping. And again, I made the choice to press on.
“Jason, you remember when I came to visit you out in California?”
“Mmmhmm.” Jason nodded, taking another pull from the bottle.
“I came because I had something to tell you. And I chickened out and then planned to tell you tonight, but then something happened…”
He looked at me, a little worried. “What happened Ella?”
“You remember when we slept together? Like, the last time we slept together?”
He nodded, quiet, and took another drink.
“Well. I. I got pregnant, Jason. I came to California to tell you that I was pregnant.” I saw him open his mouth to say something, but I had built up so much momentum that I couldn’t stop now. “I didn’t tell you because. I dunno why, I just couldn’t. But, I knew you deserved to know, so I decided to tell you tonight. But, at my last appointment, I found out… The baby died, Jason.”
His mouth snapped shut. Then opened again. He took a deep breath.
“Why are you telling me this, Ella?”
“Well, wait. What?” I was expecting a lot of reactions from him. This one, was not one of them.
“You found out about Kayla and me, didn’t you? And now you’re just trying to ruin everything. You always do this. You don’t want me when you can have me, but the second I get happy. Jesus Christ Ella.” He stood, swaying a little. “Just, in the future, keep this shit to yourself.” And with that, he walked away.
I sat in the darkness, looking at my hands. What did he mean, I found out about him and Kayla? And did he have a right to be so angry? It was true, I kept something very important from him, but given our circumstances… I don’t know if I could be blamed for that. I felt hurt, and I wanted to cry, but I just couldn’t. I felt so empty and hollow on the inside, and I was so sick of caring.
Drew found me, probably about an hour later. The night had turned cold, and it had started to rain. He didn’t say a word when he saw me, just pressed me into a hug. And I let him, I let his warmth seep into my skin. I was so tired, that when he picked me up and carried me to the car, I didn’t protest. Just laid my head on his shoulder, and finally cried.