Flashback: It's something unpredictable but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life

I woke the next morning to Jacob curled around me, and Jason’s hand still in mine, with the sound of rain pattering on the roof of the tent. Everyone else was still asleep, and I took this quiet time to take in Jason’s face. He had touched me last night, as if to memorize me. I wanted to touch him back, to commit his face not only to my brain but to my fingertips as well, but had been afraid of where it might lead. I didn’t want to be under Jason, I was tired of loving him and getting nothing in return, but I knew that if he made a move, I would be unable to resist. He just had a hold on me, and I had learned there was no point in trying to figure out why and how. Logic doesn’t work when it comes to matters of the heart, and sometimes there’s no more of a reason than just because.
I did finally reach out and touch his face, softly, with one finger. I ran it down his jawline, rough with patches of a beard that he had grown in the two days of not shaving. I moved it over his lips, soft, firm, and slightly chapped, and over his nose, crooked from the break that I had given him on accident while tossing a football around. I ran it around the edge of his face, brushing his eyebrows and eyelashes, down the center, over his chin, where I stopped and pulled away. I knew I would be saying goodbye in a matter of a few hours, and I wouldn’t know if I’d ever be saying hello again.
All of a sudden, and Irish prayer popped into my head, and I couldn’t help but whisper it into the universe.
“And until we meet again,” I said, my breath accented with little clouds of cold. “May God hold you in the palm of his hand.” I prayed this one line over and over, meaning it more than I had ever meant anything in my whole life.
Finally, someone else stirred, and I was forced to put on a happy face.
“Morning.” Toni said, her throat thick and scratchy. “How long have you been up?”
“Oh, not long. Just… Thinking.”
I never really knew how much sadness to show when it came to Jason, or anyone for that matter, leaving. I didn’t want to make things harder on him than they already were. I felt like crying and pitching a fit, but I held it in, not wanted to make him sad. But, then I wondered if he knew I cared. Knew that I was sad, and didn’t want him to go.
I laid there that cold, rainy morning, holding onto Jason’s hand for dear life. I was so scared to let go, knowing that when I did, he would be gone. I already regretted wasting so much time being angry at him, knowing that I’d never get that time back. If this was all I got now, a secret handhold in cold and wet weather, well, I would take it.
Finally, Nick woke, cursing softly when he heard the rain.
“Guys.” He said loudly. “We better get up. We didn’t lay tarps on the ground, and the water’s going to soak through, if it hasn’t already.”
People grumbled, but slowly sat up, wrapping blankets around them and complaining about the sudden rain. The guys rain to the cars, filling them up and getting soaked with each trip, leaving us girls to pack up the contents in the tents. They finally pulled the cars up close to the tent, letting us get in, and quickly pulling the tent from the ground and shoving it into the back, not bothering to pack it right.
It was seven AM, and Jason would be gone by ten. I wanted to ride back to Nick’s with him, but I knew there was no way I could pull that one off without seeming obvious. Jacob ended up climbing into Jarren’s care with us, and rode the whole way with his head leaning on my shoulder. I watched the rain fall down and wondered why it was allowed to cry, and I wasn’t. I suddenly felt very bitter. Jason was finally acting like he gave a damn about me again, and I wasn’t allowed to have him because he was someone else’s. To make matters worse, I wasn’t even allowed to see him, he was being whisked away and thrown into a deadly situation. The icing on the cake, meeting a great guy who may help me get over Jason, two days before he was sent into the same situation. I felt like kicking life square in the balls, but instead crossed my arms across my chest and sulked.
We pulled up to Nick and Toni’s, where we all got out. Nick had stopped along the way to pick up some doughnuts and coffee, and upon entering the house, set them up on the table. I grabbed one, and nibbled it, but it felt like sand in my mouth. I sat it down on a napkin, and went into the guest bedroom.
Jason followed, shutting the door behind him.
“It’s gonna be OK El.” He said quietly, resting his hands on my shoulder.
“You don’t know that.” I sniffled. I was trying my best to hold up this fake brave wall that I had built, but I felt it start to crumble.
“Yes I do.”
“How?” I asked, spinning to face him. “How can you honestly sit here and tell me that you know it’s going to be OK? That you won’t get hurt or killed? How can you promise me that you’ll come back to me? You don’t know. You don’t have any idea. And if you do come back safely, are you going to be able to be the same person?” I spit out, feeling the words gush out of me before I had the chance to stop them. “We’ve been through a lot Jason. A LOT. But it’s still not enough. I feel like I’ve already lost you once, a huge part of you, at least.”
“Ella, sweetie, you’re not making any sense to me.” He said, keeping his voice soft and even.
I sighed. “When you joined the Marines Jas, you changed. You can deny it all you want, but you did. You came back from boot camp and you were someone else. Every once in awhile I’ll get a glance of the old Jason, and it make me ache because I miss him so badly. And this Jason,” I said, gesturing toward him, “well, I’m just getting to know him. What if you come back and what you see and do changes you so much that the old Jason is wiped completely away?” I felt my bottom lip quiver. “What if… What if you don’t come back at all? I honestly don’t know which situation is worse. I don’t know what to do and I don’t like this at all. So please, just tell me you’ve changed your mind. Just tell me you’re not going.” I looked up at him with tear filled eyes, and considered falling to my knees and flat out begging. I felt filled with such a desperate hopelessness. Jason did have to be mine anymore, I just wanted him to be alive, I wanted to continue to have the chance to know him.
“Oh Ella.” He said. He pulled me to him quickly, wrapping me up in his arms tightly. “I have to go. You know this. I made a promise and a commitment, and I have to go.” He kissed my forehead. “But you gotta know, I don’t want too. And I will do everything in my power to make it back here. They’re not going to get rid of me that easily, only the good die young, remember?”
I couldn’t answer him, I was too busy crying my eyes out into his sweatshirt. My head kept alternating between thinking “it’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair.” And “don’t go, don’t go, don’t go.”
Jason squeezed me extra tight, and continued, “Ella, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I know I haven’t always shown it, and I’ve done some things I’m not proud about.” His voice cracked a little at this part, and I felt him swallow hard. It shocked me. I don’t think I’ve ever known Jason to cry. “I love you, I always have, and I always will. And when things get rough over there, you’re the one I’m gonna think about to help me make it through. If for some reason I don’t make it home… Just remember that, OK? And remember me?”
I nodded against his chest, and he continued to hold me, rocking me for a moment. There was a soft knock at the door, which neither of us answered. Drew popped his head in, and seeing us crying, walked in. He came up behind me, and put his arms around Jason. I was squeezed in the middle between my two best friends, and it just made me cry harder to know how much Drew would also miss him. I wondered if we’d be able to get through this, if we’d make it to the other side in tact. I knew no matter what Jason said, if he did come home, he’d be a changed man, and that made me as nervous as the thought of him dying. At some point Nick came in and joined the hug, and soon after Toni, with a camera, asking us all to pose. We did, and even though we were all red-eyed and puffy, it became my favorite picture. Pain and sadness showed on our faces, but there was also an air of hope that I clung to like it was a raft. Everyone says hope floats and I just didn’t want to sink.
Kayla came and pulled Jason away shortly after, and as jealous as I was, I knew she deserved time with him too. They were heading over to Jason’s parents house. Jacob was going with him, his parents meeting him there so they could all make they drive to the airport. I gave Jason one last hug, and kissed his cheek, and turned to give my goodbyes to Jacob, who took my email address and promised to write, and to take me on a proper date when he got home.
Jarren and I didn’t stay long after they left. The place honestly felt so empty without Jason and Jacob’s loud, boisterous voices. The quiet haunted me, and pressed in on me until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It had been a rough couple of weeks, and I was aching to get back to normal life, even if I had to fake being normal. I wanted to go to work, and throw myself into my job, hoping that maybe I’d work so hard that for a few minutes I would forget this whole mess.
Drew walked us to the car, not saying much of anything, just pulling me to him for a quick, tight hug. He shut the car door after me, patted the roof, and walked away without looking back. I did my best to breathe, concentrating on taking slow, even breaths. I even started counting them in my head, trying to focus my attention and my thoughts on something else.
I was worried when Jarren flicked on the radio, knowing that when you’re in a sad mood, turning on the radio only seems to make it worse. Every sappy, sad love song will pop on and play until you’re depressed enough to want to hang yourself with the radio cord. I nervously bit my nail, waiting for the commercial to end to see what song would come on, hoping against all odds it would be something upbeat that didn’t remind me of Jason or Jacob or war. Now, God has a funny sense of humor, I think, and He has His own way of doing things. We don’t always know why He does the things He does, but I find they almost always end up having a reason. And I felt it oddly reassuring, that the next song that came on was “only the good die young” by Billy Joel. Jason considered this to be his theme song.
It was fitting, to drive down that highway, the windows down despite the rain pouring in, wind blowing in our faces, with the radio up as loud as it could go, singing along with the song.
When the song was over, I held my face up towards the sky, letting the rain wash away my tears and screamed as loud as I could “And Jason Blanco is a bad son-of-a-bitch so you let us keep him for awhile longer!”
Jarren laughed, and rolled the windows up, and I managed a smile too. I was hoping that God would hear us, and agree.