Flashback: I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter

It seemed like every time I would move closer to Jacob, or he closer to me, Jason would initiate some kind of contact with Kayla. When Jacob wrapped his arm around me, Jason put his arms around Kayla’s shoulders. When I leaned my head on Jacob’s shoulder, Jason rested his head on Kayla’s. I grew tired of the competition, but I knew I wouldn’t stop watching Jason to see if he was still watching me.
“Wanna go for a walk?” I asked Jacob, suddenly feeling very closed in and needing space.
“Sure.” He answered. He stood and offered me his hand, pulling me up. I couldn’t help but sneak a peek at Jason’s face as we walked off, and I was glad to see that Kayla wasn’t facing him to see the scowl he had on.

Jacob kept a hold on my hand as we walked off towards the lake. The breeze picked up, and I pulled Jacob’s sweat shirt around me tighter with my free hand. Doing this released a puff of his scent. I’m not sure what it was, part cologne and part of a unique smell that I thought all cute boys must naturally have. I love boy smells. Well, the good kind. I stole a glance over at Jacob, and felt a little bad when I saw his bare arms.
“You look cold, I’m sorry, do you want this back?” I said, shrugging off one shoulder.
“No, no it’s OK. I’ll just stop by the tent real quick.”
The tent was empty, much to my surprise and relief. I don’t know why I had pictured Drew and Jarren inside, doing the deed. Or, why I cared even. Drew was a grown man, and while I didn’t think Jarren was the one for him, it didn’t mean he couldn’t decide for himself. Jacob exited the tent with a blanket in one hand, and took my hand back with his other. He pulled me gently towards the lake.
We sat on the rickety old dock that Nick’s Dad had built way back when. I sat in front, my legs dangling over the sides but not touching the water. Jacob sat behind me, wrapping the blanket around us both. I held the blanket closed in front of me, and under the blanket he ran his hands up and down my arms, once again trying to get warm.
“I love the cold.” I said.
“Well then, give me the blanket.” He joked. He stopped rubbing my arms and instead wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my shoulder.
“Ha, fat chance.” I answered, pulling the blanket tighter, which brought him a little closer to me. “I just mean… You can always get warm when you’re cold. It’s a lot harder to get cool when you’re hot.”
We sat in silence for awhile, watching the wind occasionally blow tiny waves across the lake. I could hear the rest of the group in the background, and it sounded like Jarren had joined the group again.
“It really sucks that I just met you and I have to leave.” Jacob said, his voice low and close to my ear.
“I know. Why’d you have to go and join the Marines anyway?” I mock pouted.
“If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met you!” He laughed. “But honestly, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. A challenge I issued myself when I was younger. I’m not a lifer though, like I get the feeling Jason might be. I just wanted to know that I could do it.”
I quieted at that thought. Jason being in for life meant a lot more dangerous opportunities for him. I shivered, as all the possibilities of what might happen to him popped into my head.
“Aw, you’re shivering.” Jacob said, pulling me even closer. “Maybe we should get you back to the fire.”
I didn’t really want to go back yet, didn’t really want to face Jason and Kayla. His jealousy annoyed and confused me, and frankly I was tired of dealing with it. It was OK for him to go get a girlfriend, but I was supposed to stay single forever? Screw that.
With that thought in my head, I turned around and kissed Jacob. He pulled back a little at first, surprised I think, and then pressed forward. His lips were soft, yet firm, and warm. He tasted like fire and beer, which I loved. He moved his hands up to the side of my face, and for the second time, he made me swoon. It was such a movie perfect kiss, complete with sparks that had caught me off guard and left me breathless. I had been expecting a rebound, a boost to help me get over the train wreck that was Jason. Instead I know felt like chemically at least, I had a real and honest connection with Jacob.
We kissed for awhile, but it never ventured anywhere outside of kissing. His hands only went below my shoulders to rub my arms or my back, and while I could feel his… Happiness, he never made a move to push me any further than kissing.
We finally pulled away from each other, my face feeling a little raw from the stubble on his face, and both our lips red and slightly swollen. He smiled at me, looking a little shy.
“Well.” He said, clearing his throat. “That was nice.”
We decided to head back to the fire then, and we were greeted with an “ooooh” from the group when we arrived back, by everyone except Jason, who was shooting daggers from his eyes at both Jacob and I.
“And what were you two doing?” Jarren asked as I blushed a deep red.
“Probably the same thing you and Drew were doing when you guys left.” Jacob shot back.
I shot a look at Jarren, trying to read her face to see if I could tell if she and Drew were doing anything.
“Maybe, maybe not.” She answered, shooting a sly smile over to Drew.
I looked over at Drew, who just smiled and shrugged his shoulders. I watched him for a second, and noticed he was swaying slightly. Drew, was drunk. I rolled my eyes. He probably did mess around with her, but it didn’t mean anything. Poor Drew probably just got himself into a heap of trouble. Jarren was probably picking out her wedding dress, and Drew was just doing his damndest not to pass out. I had to stifle a laugh, although I did feel bad for both Drew and Jarren.
The rest of the night was pretty low-key. We sat around the fire for longer, we seemed to have partnered up, Nick and Toni, Jason and Kayla, Jarren and Drew, and Jacob and me. I felt a pang for a second, feeling badly for Sean who was missing out. Jen had banned him from coming. He had even invited her along, and even though her parents had agreed to watch the kids, she was adamantly against it. Camping was not her thing.
We told stories about Jason, and Jason told stories about all of us, and suddenly I remembered why we were there. To say goodbye. A lump formed in my throat, and my eyes started to water. I wiped at them, trying to be discreet, but Jacob noticed.
“You OK?” He asked. Jason was in the middle of telling the story of taking me cow-tipping. It was an unsuccessful adventure, but hilarious none the less. We had to slip under an electric fence to get there, getting all muddy in the process. We ended up not even getting within five feet of a cow before the farmer came out and chased us away. I ended up falling into a cow pie, and we found out when we were trying to escape that the fence hadn’t even been on, so slipping under it had been pointless.
I nodded. “It’s the smoke, from the fire. It’s hurting my eyes.”
He looked at me a little longer, then nodded, pulling me close to kiss the top of my head. He squeezed and then let go.
We broke up not too much longer, heading off to lay down in our tents. Drew climbed into bed with Jarren with no hesitation or protest. I slipped into the cold sheets with Jacob, who wrapped me in his arms. He promptly fell asleep, and I ended up tossing and turning for most of the night. I didn’t sleep well while camping, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Jason and how he was leaving. If I didn’t tell him all the things I had to say, would I end up regretting it if something were to happen? If I did tell Jason, would it ruin everything? I eventually slipped away from Jacob and out of our tent, pulling on a hoodie, and glad I had Jarren bring my fleece pajama pants. Even though it was barely September, the nights were freezing.
I walked towards the lake, back to the dock, needing fresh air and more space for my thoughts. I was looking up at the sky while walking, eyeing the stars, and didn’t notice the figure at the end of the dock until I reached it.
“Oh, sorry. I’ll go back.” I said to Jason when he turned around and eyed me up and down.
“No, it’s OK. I don’t mind company if you don’t.” He patted the space next to him, and held open part of the blanket that was around him. I sat next to him, and wrapped the blanket around me. I bumped his shoulder, and he bumped mine back, smiling at me.
“So. You and Jacob, eh?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. It’s not the best timing, it’s not like I can get to know him in the two days before he leaves. But, it’s nice. For now.” I paused, looking back up at the stars. I watched my breath puff out in little gray clouds. “So. You and Kayla, eh?” I couldn’t look at him. It was a question I didn’t want to ask, but knew I had too.
“Yeah…” He trailed off. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye. He was gazing up at the stars too. “Makes you remember prom, doesn’t it?” He nodded his head up at the stars.
“That was a great night.” I wanted him to elaborate more on him and Kayla. I didn’t want to know the details, but felt like I needed to know. Still, I felt like if he dropped it like that, I should too.
“It was.” He slipped his hand into mine and gave it a squeeze.
“Are you-“ I hesitated, not wanting to bring up any issues, but decided to press forward “Are you scared?”
He looked away from me, and nodded, just slightly. “Yeah. I am.”
“I don’t want you to go.” I blurted out. I had planned on being nonchalant about it, putting on a brave face for him, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“I don’t want to go.” He said, still not looking at me.
“Jas? You remember what I said way back when?”
He looked at me and shook his head. “What do you mean? When?”
“When I was dating Chris and we got into that huge argument? I said I hoped they would send you to Iraq…”
He licked his lips, and nodded.
“I didn’t mean it Jason. And I’m so sorry I even said it.” I couldn’t stop the tears from falling down my face now. “If anything happens to you I…” I couldn’t continue, instead I trailed off and shook my head.
Jason pulled me close, enveloping me in a hug. He kissed the top of my head, and rocked slightly back and forth. “Shhh, Ella. I know you didn’t. And I promise you, I’ll come home to you. I’ll always come home for you.”
We sat there for awhile, hugging, each of us absorbed in our own thoughts. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but was afraid he would ask me my thoughts, and I wouldn’t be able to answer him honestly. My mind had been made up, Jason would never know about the baby that was almost ours.