New Blog!

There it is, the new blog. I know, I know, it took forever, and I have plenty of excuses, but I'm sure you all are tired of hearing excuses. I did have another blog in the works, but I started working on it, and it just wasn't right, so I scrapped it and went in another direction. I have one entry up and one on stand-by, and I have rough ideas for the next couple ones, so hopefully we'll be posted pretty steadily. Right now though I think I'm shooting for once a week until I get more material. Edited: Alright, I tried to directly link you to the blog, but for some reason it's not showing up, so you'll have to copy and paste it from here: http://lanielivingitright.blogspot.com

Just wanted to say that there is a new blog in the works :-) I ended up dropping my classes for this quarter (I was feeling pretty burnt out and was not doing well because I didn't want to do them, so I decided to take a quarter off and start fresh next quarter) I have two posts done now - they haven't been published yet because I'm taking the suggestion a couple of you threw out which is to build up a few before I start releasing. I'd like to have 8 stored up, but I also don't want to wait forever, so I may start posting when I have four. I'll post here when I start publishing though. Things that will be different - no publishing schedule. I'm shooting for once a week. We'll see how it goes. I'm not making a promise to finish this - I want too, but with NMTA I had a rough idea and this one I'm kind of shooting from the hip. I'm also writing directly in blogger where as before I had a word doc I used so lengths may be different. I miss you guys and hope everyone is doing well! I'm excited/nervous to see how you guys like this new one. I'm also terrified that it'll sound too much like Apathy, so here's hoping it doesn't!

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write. I took two english classes this quarter thinking it would be "easy" and really it's kicking my ass with the amount of things we've already had to write.

That was the end. I'm happy so many of you seemed to like it - it was something I honestly worried about a lot. I didn't want things to end perfectly. I didn't want to wrap everything up in a neat little package. But, I also didn't want to leave everyone scratching their heads and going WTF? I didn't want to end it, really, but I was just out of places to take it, and I didn't want it to be one of those blogs where everyone gets bored.

As for another blog, there is one in the works, but I get nervous. I don't want to start something else I can't finish. I don't want something that's an obligation rather than enjoyment. I do think I'll start one, but I'm not making any promises. I think it'll help if I keep posts on the shorter side though. I'll make sure to post here when it's up, I'm hoping to work on it soon, but I have a paper due Friday. Ugh. I wonder if I could get credit for writing the blog? ;-)

Thank you, by the way, to everyone whose stuck by me through the rocky times and the good times, and those of you who supported me in so very many ways. I appreciate all of you, and I'm glad you liked what I did enough to stick around till the end! <3

You better make it count cuz you can't get it back

I spent all of my relationships questioning everything, wondering where it was going to go. I was scared of being hurt, scared of hurting others, and in the end all the worrying usually led to causing pain all around. People say to let it go, just let it happen. It sounds so easy – who wants to worry all the time anyway? But I just never could figure out how to do that.

Then it just happened. I can’t tell you how I did it. Maybe I just go too tired to worry about what I had very little control over. Maybe it was because I was with Drew, who I had already hurt and been hurt by, and I knew that even though it wasn’t much fun, I did come out the other side OK. Maybe it just finally clicked that worrying wasn’t stopping the bad things from happening, so just to quit it. I don’t have any idea what happened, but when I left Drew for Colorado, I wasn’t worried. I knew whatever would happen, would happen. I couldn’t stop the future from happening, I could just ride the waves until I reached the shore.

That’s not to say going back to Colorado was easy. I missed home more than I thought I would, and I think the girls picked up on it. We didn’t go back to as bad as we were, but I knew that we would never have the bond that I did with my camp kids back home. I still tried though, and I think they did appreciate that. When it was time to go back home, it was Santana who volunteered to drive me back to the airport, and it felt an awful lot like our first day all over again. I didn’t bother trying to make conversation though, and neither did he. The more I sat, the more guilt I felt. I was doing exactly what he accused me of doing when I first arrived. I wasn’t in it for the long haul, I was just someone else who didn’t stick around. We rode in silence. We walked into the airport in silence. And standing in front of him at the terminal, I didn’t really know what to say, or if he’d say anything. I couldn’t read his features, I couldn’t tell if he was as disappointed in me as I felt he was.

“I know you’re disappointed in me for leaving, and I’m sorry.” I finally blurted out.
“Oh Ella.” He said, pulling me into a fierce hug. “I’m sorry I made you feel like that. I’m sorry I said those things. You fought a hard fight, and it was one more battle we won in the war, right?”

I nodded against his chest. I knew there was no use promises Santana that we’d stay in touch. We wouldn’t. But I was thankful for the time I got to spend with him, and I knew my life was better because of him.

And with one last squeeze, I turned and boarded the airplane. I didn’t look back. I was going home.

The funny part is though, I assumed I was going home to my old life. My old house, my old job, my old boyfriend. Shortly after I arrived home, my life got turned upside down.
The agency had received emergency funding which we thought was going to save us. I was all set to go back to work when I got the call that the emergency funding wasn’t going to come through. We had enough money to survive the week – and that’s if we cut down to a skeleton crew. I was asked not to come back. They simply couldn’t pay me.

I showed up anyway, as did the rest of the staff. We volunteered for that last week. We laughed, we cried, we told stories, and piece by piece, we packed up a building that was a big piece of who I was. I realized in recent years it had left me a little unsatisfied and disgruntled, but I really did love the agency. I loved the people, I especially loved my kids. My kids… What would they do without me? Who would they become without me? Would they be OK? Would I be OK? I don’t want to come off as egotistical, like I was these kids whole worlds but…. For some of them, we were the only adults who checked their homework. The only adults who asked how their day was. We were the only constant, the only source of rules and discipline, of interest and love. We were their safe place to go, their one last meal of the night. And now that was gone, and we had so little time to prepare them for it. I thought back to Santana now, of how we would become just another group of people who disappeared from their lives… And why? Because some politician decided some other organization needed the funding more. Maybe they did need it more… But, I’d like to know what criteria they were following, how they could make such a decision? It seems anymore we live in a world where you have to choose between the good things while getting hammered with an abundance of bad. I’m off on a tangent now, and that of course, doesn’t really matter. It was over, that’s all that mattered.

Saying goodbye to the agency was like a breakup – one that I took rather hard. I took to driving by the building, and sitting outside, watching it. (Yes, I was the creepy stalker girl in this breakup.) I wasn’t worried about another job – my Dad had let me know that I could work for him until I found another one. It was just… Worrying about my kids. Missing them. Feeling like I lost a piece of me.

Then Matt announced he was leaving. My Dad had offered him a job as well, but he denied it, and decided instead to go back to his original agency to see if they could incorporate some of our ideas into their agency. I wanted to tell him not to leave, to stay. That him leaving made this whole things a million times worse. But… I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t ask him to stay and not give him a reason too. I knew part of his reason for leaving was to get space from me, and I just couldn’t ask him not to do that. I let him go, and then I regretted it and felt selfish for regretting it.

Of course, when it rains, it pours. Two weeks after Matt left, my house caught fire. Faulty wiring. Everything wasn’t a loss, but there was a lot of damage, and after everything else, I just sort of lost it. I had figured I was coming home to my old job, my old friends, and my old life, and I had none of that.

I did go to work for my Father, but it didn’t last too long. That business is not the business for me, I was bored out of my skull. However, it did lead me to my next job. I now work with homeless teens, and using my father’s contacts, I am able to not only find them housing, but also occasionally able to hook them up with my father, who gives them work. I still miss my agency kids. I still talk to some. Some are doing well – I have a girl whose mother died and whose father is a crack head who is currently doing very well at a certain Big Ten school. I have another girl who although she had a baby, is currently taking very good care of that baby while putting herself through nursing school. I have a boy who just got a football scholarship. We’ve had our losses too – ones I don’t particularly like to think about, and we have the kids we’ve been unable to reach and have no idea where they are or what they’re doing. I’m not the praying kind, but I do send a prayer up every night for them.

Matt and I do talk, occasionally, but he tends to keep conversation short, and usually via some form of text communication: text messages, emails, chat on facebook. I’m sad about how it all went down, but I also understand. I think to some extent that I am Matt’s Jason. I hope that in time, we can be like Jason and I are now, and I hope that he’s not so busy looking at me that he misses his Drew.

Speaking of Jason, we’re finally back to a normal ground. It was awkward, seeing him when I was with Drew, and I never really was sure how to act. And then it just clicked, and we act just how we did when we all first met. Jason’s still in the Marines, but I have a feeling this will be his last go round. There’s a girl, and it’s looking pretty serious.

Drew is working for my father, which they both love. Drew loves building, and my Father is over the moon to have a “son”. It was weird at first, and to be honest, I was actually quite jealous in the beginning, but now I’m just glad they’re both happy. My Mother has warmed up to Drew as well, as much as my Mom CAN warm up to someone. We still haven’t worked out our issues, and I’m not sure we ever will, but at least she’s acting like she’s happy for me, so that’s an improvement.

As for Drew and I… Well, we’re good. We’re great, actually. After the fire, we decided to sell. The house wasn’t beyond repair damaged, but I know I felt that the house just had so many memories, and I think if Drew was going to move in with me, he wanted a place that was “us” rather than “me.”Drew. Through it all, he was amazing. When I was losing everything left and right, I raged pretty hard, but through my fits of crying, my dramatic ranting, my depression over another guy leaving… He was the old Drew. My rock. He handled me without making me feel like I was being handled. He took care of me but allowed me to feel like I was doing it all myself. And when he finally pulled me out of the funk, he didn’t mention it. Didn’t rub my face in it, didn’t treat me like I was some fragile being who was going to break at any moment. He just loved me. And I’ll spend the rest of my life loving him because of it.
I don’t really know what’s going to happen. I feel like Drew and I are probably headed for the alter, and probably sometime in the near distant future. But, I try not to worry about it. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

Out of the doubt that fills your mind, you finally find you and I collide.

I followed Toni around the mall, vetoing things, and giving in to things when I got tired of her nagging. I was only paying her half of my attention, but she didn’t seem to notice, she just chattered on. My mind was elsewhere – on Drew, and namely on having sex with Drew.

Maybe it was odd, but I hadn’t given it much thought. I mean I guess I figured it would happen at some point, and sure when we had made out on the couch that first night of officially decided to get back together, I had made the choice to pull back – we were taking things slow after all. But did Drew expect me to sleep with him before I left? Toni had said it like it was common knowledge that we’d be doing the nasty before I left.

I wanted to ask Toni what she thought, but I knew exactly what she’d ask. Why was it such a big deal? And I didn’t have an answer for that. Drew and I had known each other for forever, we had had sex before. It was a quick moment, for sure, but it had been done. So why did this just seem like such a big deal to me?

I tried to put it out of my mind. I tried to focus on spending time with Toni, but it’s all she could really talk about – Drew and I, and so it just brought me right back to my train of thought. I was glad when we arrived at her house and I got to wrestle around with the kids. I laughed and had fun and marveled over how much they had grown in the short time I had been gone. But, as I was walking out the door, Toni pressed a bag in my hand and winked at me.

“Have fun tonight.”

“Uh, thanks. I’ll see you later?”

“Sure. We’ll be over for a little bit.”

I tried to focus my attention on other things. Cleaning the house. Taking a shower. Stuffing the stuff Toni made me buy in the bottom of my closet where it would never see the light of day again. But my mind kept wandering back to Drew and I, and what would happen if we were alone. What if something happened? What if something didn’t happen? I was turning circles in my head, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it – whatever happened happened. I wanted to stop thinking about it, but I couldn’t.

Until people started showing up for the party, and it was amazing how quickly those feelings went away. I was so used to being surrounded by people, not having a moment to myself, that I wasn’t used to being alone with my own thoughts, and they consumed me. Being able to catch up with old friends, talk about the work situation, and laugh… I didn’t think about Drew at all. Sure, he was there, but I didn’t worry on what would happen, I just focused on what was, and how good it felt to be at home.

Catching up with my boss was especially fun.

“Ella!” He said, wrapping me in a warm hug. “We’ve missed you! How are things going? We for one can’t wait until you come back.”

“So there’s something to come back too?” I asked, feeling both hopeful and nervous to be hopeful.

“Nothing is for sure yet, but we’ve gotten a lot of press and we’re very hopeful this emergency funding will come through. People know we’re a lifeline, and they want to keep us open.”

I nodded. “I’m enjoying my time in Colorado, but to be honest, they aren’t my kids, you know? I’m ready to be home.”

“Well, we’re ready to have you. Not much longer, and hopefully you’ve learned a lot and can teach us.”

I nodded, and moved on to mingle with other guests.

My comfort, however, soon faded when a silent signal seemed to ripple through the party instructing everyone to leave. I busied myself, getting people their jackets, helping to find misplaced keys, and hugging people goodbye. Honestly, I was hoping for a few stragglers – you know, the people who never seem to know when to leave? But, this time there was only the one I feared the most.

I shut the door behind the last guest and turned to face Drew.

“Well. I guess we’re alone now.” I said.

“Finally.” He answered, walking up to me and putting his arms around my waist. “How is it possible that I miss you when you’re in the same room with me, simply because I’m not touching you?”

I laughed, sounding slightly nervous.

“What’s the matter?” He asked, leaning his forehead against mine. I had forgotten how easy it was for him to read me.

“Are we going to have sex?” I blurted out.

To his credit, he didn’t look nearly as surprised as I knew he must have felt. Instead, he just sort of laughed.

“Do you want to have sex?”

“I don’t know. I mean yes, but…”

“But what? We’ve done it before and managed alright.”

“I’m just scared Drew. I want this so much, and I wanted it so much for so long, and I just. I never thought it was going to happen. And now it’s like I’ve been handled some super fragile, expensive, irreplaceable work of art and I’ve been told not to break it. I don’t even want to move. I know we have to go forward, but it just seems…”

He kissed me. Slowly at first, and then deeper. His hands held my face to his, and then slipped down to lift me up so that I was wrapped around him.

“I have two options right now, El. I can take you upstairs, and we can see where it goes, or I can take you upstairs and we can go to bed. Either way is fine with me. I’m not going anywhere, and we can go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with going. We’ve both waited a long time for this, and I think… I think it’s a lot sturdier than you might believe.”

I kissed him then, and without me having to say anything, he carried me upstairs, laying me gently on the bed. I sat up and Drew reached for the bottom of my shirt.

“You want to do this, or not?” He asked quietly.

I couldn’t manage anything more than a slow nod. He gently tugged my shirt up and over my head. The look on his face took my breath away.

“I forgot just how beautiful you were.” He whispered before covering his body with mine.

We still took things slow. Inch by inch, we rediscovered each other. I learned things about Drew I didn’t know – where to kiss to make him gasp, where to touch that made him giggle, and a few other choice spots.

And then it was the moment I had been afraid of – Drew was poised over me, my arms above my head in surrender.

“Are you sure?” He asked, one last time.

Again, all I could manage was a nod.

“Oh Ella, I love you.” He whispered.

Then we became one.

New post

Will be up at some point tonight - it might be technically tomorrow (i.e past midnight) but it'll be up before I go to sleep. I had it half written and just jumped on to write the rest while Jer is running errands with the boys, but I must have forgotten to save - because the part I had written is gone. Usually it autosaves for me, but I can't find it, so I'm not sure what happened. It shouldn't take too long to crank back out.

I'm back! Kinda, lol. I've been MIA and have only skimmed a few emails (I slacked these last couple weeks in school so when I realized it was finals weeks I was like OH CRAP! One of my classes I didn't do great on the final but I had a really awesome grade in the class, so I still managed to get an A in the class, the other class I was average all the way through, so I think I have a B, and I don't want to talk about my third class - math. I'll be meeting the one again next quarter.)

I saw one suggestion to poll you guys and see where you would like to see the blog go - that is an awesome idea, and one I didn't think of! I read a few comments after that, but honestly I don't think I've been in my email for two days, so I'm a little afraid to go back (not just because I'm afraid some mean comments might be there - which I kind of am - but also because I'm sure there's 5 billion emails waiting me. So. Much. Junk.)

So... If I ended the blog today - what would you be pissed off that didn't get finished?

Some of the things I saw were:
What happens to Matt and Jason? (I may not be answering the Matt question - if I do another blog, he might be in it, so I don't want to spoil anything)
What's up with Ella's Mom?
What about Santana and the girls?

Anything else? I'll poll you through the weekend and then take a look at Sunday night - hopefully it inspires a post to go up that night or Monday :-)

I know, I know I went MIA again, and I'm so sorry. Part of it is school - finals are this week and my classes kicked it into hyper drive. The second part is... I just don't know where to go from here. Ella and Drew are back together... Now what? Part of me wants to end it now, but then I worry it'll end up like the bedroom blog with people unhappy that plot lines were started and not finished. I know it sucks because you all are waiting, but I don't want to give you total crap, you know?

My last final is due Wednesday or Thursday - so I'm hoping I have something figured out and posted by then.

New post below!!! I wanted to repost this so it gets seen by everyone:

Eli is in a photo contest (I know! boo! hiss! Don't bug me with your child's stuff!) BUT, he has a chance of winning, so, I gotta ask you all to vote for him. Downside: You have to make an account on her website and like her facebook page. The account takes about three seconds to do, then you go here: http://gensanguide.com/rumpkinz/index.php?view=detail&id=153&option=com_joomgallery&Itemid=19 and click vote (don't worry about the "good/bad" rating, I have no idea what that's about.) You then have to go like her facebook page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Rumpkinz/163016213758926 Then you're done. The lead is currently at 28 votes, and Eli is at 26. It ends on the 29th, so a week from tomorrow. You can only vote once, BUT, if you want to encourage your husband, boyfriend, sister, whoever to vote, that's awesome.

You don't have to do it, of course, and I won't post daily and bug the crap out of you (I'll probably post one more time before the contest is over) BUT if Eli wins, I'll post three posts in one week (I might even attempt a full week of postings, but if I do that it might have to wait until finals is over!)

I will wait for you

We went back to his office, where my Dad did sit at his computer and pulled up the website to show me the houses he had bought. I pretended to be interested, going through the same charade as he was, but when he was done, we didn’t leave the office. He sat at his desk, swiveling in the chair, while I stretched out on the sofa.

“Lot’s going on, huh? I’m not sure what I should ask about first.” He flipped the pages in his planner on his desk absently.

“You could be like Mom and not bother to ask at all.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure your Mom would ask.”

“You might think so, but she didn’t.”

“Ella…” My Dad’s voice was a warning.

“I know Dad. That’s just Mom.” I said, shrugging.

“Your Mom doesn’t like you working with those kids. She knows you’re doing good, but she worries about you.”

“I don’t really like them being called those kids, Dad. They’re just kids, and usually they’re just trying to deal with some adult situations. And I appreciate her worry, but I’m still going to do it, so the least she can do is ask me about it.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Ella, and you know it.” He rubbed his forehead. “Your Mom… Oh hell, she’s just weird Ella. She doesn’t like what you do, and thinks ignoring it is better than fighting with you about it, so she ignores it.”

“Yeah, that is so much better.” I said sarcastically. “I think, really, the best option would probably be just to get over it, since obviously ignoring it hasn’t stopped me.”

“I don’t know what to tell you El. It may not be how you want her to handle it, but she does love you.”

“Mmm.” I said, unsure of what else to say. I know my Mom loved me. And at least she didn’t try to tell me what to do, or pass judgment. Except for… “What’s her problem with Drew?”

“Drew?” My Dad looked confused. “Your Mom doesn’t have a problem with Drew. We both love him, he’s a good guy.”

“She loves him when he’s my friend, but the last time we dated, she got weird. And now she’s weird again.”

“Ha.” Dad said smiling. “I knew you two would get back together.”

“We’re not… I mean, we are but… We’re taking things slow.” I fumbled with my words, but couldn’t help but smile. Seeing as how my Dad was watching me also caused me to blush, hard.

“I think that’s good. I’m happy for you.”

“Mom’s not.”

“What makes you say that? I know for a fact your Mom likes Drew.”

“She told me today that she didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be together, and she was weird the first time we were dating.”

“What did she say, exactly?”

“She asked if I thought if it was a good idea, because last time it didn’t end so well.”

“Ella, again. Your Mom just worries about you. I know, I know,” he said, holding up his hand when he saw I was about to protest. “She has a funny way of showing it. She isn’t good about expressing emotions. She never really has been. But when you went through everything with Jason… She struggled with it. She didn’t know what to say to you, she didn’t know how to make you feel better, and I think she felt a little hurt herself. You’ve been close to those boys for such a long time that your Mom and I both view them as our boys. We all thought you and Jason would get married, so I think watching him hurt you like that made her feel a little betrayed. I think she just doesn’t want you to be hurt again, and she doesn’t want to be in that position where someone she cares about is hurting someone else she cares about.”

“I just don’t know, Dad. I feel like I don’t know Mom at all.”

“Well, honey, I’m sorry for that. Despite all your Mom’s quirks, she’s really one amazing person.”

I nodded, although I’m sure it was true, it made me sad that I didn’t know that first hand.
Dad and I shot the shit for a little while, and then made plans to see each other before I left. It was hard to believe I would only be home for a few more days. It was hard to leave their house – even leave my Mom. She sent me home with a basket of muffins, which I know was her way of saying I love you and be safe.

I headed over to Toni’s, expecting to bum around the house and play with her kids, but she barely let me say hello to everyone before she grabbed her coat and was pulling me out the door.

“I didn’t even get to say hi to the kids!”

“That’s OK!” She said, getting into her car.

“I haven’t seen them in forever!”

“You haven’t seen me in forever, and I see them every day, I’ll tell you all about them.”
I was a little bummed I didn’t get to play with them, and it must have shown.

“Don’t worry, we’re coming back for dinner and you can see them then. I just need a break. And apparently, you have a lot to fill me in on.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Cut the crap, Ella. Drew picked you up at the airport. And he didn’t come home last night and I know he was going to see you.”

“Yeah, you were supposed to come over, what happened to that?” I asked, pretending to be miffed.

“Oh, don’t act like you missed me.” She said, smirking.

“Where are we going anyway?” I asked, deflecting.

“To look at wedding dresses.”

“For who?” I asked, a little louder than I needed too.

“Chill out.” She said, laughing. “I’m just kidding. But, you know it won’t be long now.”

“Oh please. We just got back together. We’re taking things slow.”

“No offense Ella, but how much slower could you guys take things? You’ve known him for your whole life pretty much, and you guys have had sex, what, once?”

I blushed. “I’ve known him as a friend, we didn’t date for too long last time. Besides, I’m heading back in a few days, so it can’t get too serious, I’ll be a million miles away.”

“You’re going back?” She asked, sounding surprised.

“Of course I am, this was only a break.”

“I just figured… I mean you left because of Drew and now…”

“I didn’t leave because of Drew. I mean it was a benefit to get away from things, but I left because it was a good opportunity and it helped out the agency. Did you really think I’d just quit like that?”

“I don’t know. I mean I guess not.” She said, but she didn’t sound too convincing. “That’s a long time to be away, don’t you think?”

“Yeah. It’ll be hard, but…” I shrugged.

“So, have you guys talked at all? About the future?”

“No. I told you, we’re taking things slow.”

“Ella, I just… I mean, what’s the point in taking things slow? I’m not saying get engaged in the next hour or whatever, but how much more can you possibly learn about Drew? You’ve seen him at his worst, he’s seen you at your worst, you know all his secrets, he knows all of yours… I mean isn’t that the point of dating? To get to know someone?”

“It is, but there’s other points too. I mean it’s also about compatibility and such.” At this point, we pulled up to the mall. “What are we doing here?” I asked, confused.

“If you’re hell bent on taking things slow, that’s fine, but the least you’re going to do is put out before you go all the way back to lonely, cold Colorado. Off to Victoria’s Secret we go.”

I knew there was no point in arguing with her, so instead I just rolled my eyes and followed her into the mall.

I'm working on this week's post - I got caught up in a crap ton of reading, but I wanted to stop by and ask you guys to do me a favor. Eli is in a photo contest (I know, collective groan) It's a cloth diaper photo contest and so he actually has a chance to win (current headliner is at 22 votes and hasn't moved since the contest started, Eli, last I check was at 8) Lame part - you have to make an account. You don't get spammed, it's for what we call a wahm (a work at home mom who makes cloth diapers) Then you confirm your account in your email, and go to the gallery and find Eli's picture (he's the only Eli in there, in a red diaper with an angry bird face on it) http://gensanguide.com/rumpkinz/index.php?view=detail&id=153&option=com_joomgallery&Itemid=19 there's the direct link. Don't worry about the "rate the picture" part, just click the vote button. Again, I hate hitting you guys up for stuff like this, I know it's lame, but he has a real shot at winning, and I do love my cloth.

And hey - here's incentive, if Eli wins, I'll make it a three post week? Contest winner will be announced Feb. 29th.

Update: Thanks for all the votes guys! Last I checked, he was at 21, which is down one from being tied for first place! There IS an issue, however. She just posted and said that people have to have liked her facebook page in order for their vote to count. If you don't want to do this, I understand totally (Personally, I think if she wanted facebook likes, she should have held it on facebook, people are already registering to her site. BUT, it's her contest, she can do what she wants) Again, if you don't want to like her page, I get it, but if you voted and want to make sure your vote counts, you can like her page here: Alright, issue: If you have voted for this, I really appreciate it, but I just read the rules and you also have to like her page to have your vote count. I think that's bogus because people already have to register to the site, BUT, if you voted, and you want your vote to count (and I want your vote to count) can you like her facebook page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Rumpkinz/163016213758926? Sorry guys

I'm working on my math homework that's due tonight and then I have to go take a test that's due today, but then I only have one assignment left to do and it's not due until Saturday, SO, I'll be working on finishing the post and it should be up today (Tuesday the 21st) or tomorrow (Wednesday the 22nd)

Whatever Wednesday - late again :-)

New post below.

Sorry that took longer than I thought. I know the majority of you don't care, but I still really hate being that person who is constantly postponing. Then, I don't set a date and the next thing I know it's been three weeks without a post. Classes aren't too bad for the most part. I'm taking two that really interest me, and even though there can be a lot of work in them, I like doing the work so it's not so bad. But, I'm taking a math class. Oh my. I suck so bad at math it's almost comical. I was watching this weeks video on how to do what we needed to do, and it was like he was speaking in another language. Which, I mean I guess math is it's own language, but it is a language I simply do not grasp. I struggle so much in the class, even with a friend tutoring me - I've always had this problem, it's just like my brain rejects math. I used to scare math teachers because I would get so frustrated I would cry. It's horrible. It's even worse when it's geometry! I had three math assignments due today that I was working on this past week - there weren't too many of them in each, I think one had 24, one had 28, and one had 30 maybe? But it took me hours. Just when I thought I grasped one thing, it was like it totally changed up on me. And each question had 20 steps to get to the solution and if I messed one thing up... Blah. I'm not passing, and I almost want to say screw it, but I know I'll have to take it again and I might as well learn as much as I can this time to hopefully make it a little easier next time. Math and science, I just am not that great at. How about you guys? Any subjects you cringe when you see?

Let's see, as far as everything else... Life has been pretty good. Eli's getting four teeth (finally. 14 months and he only has his two bottoms ones, but now he's getting four uppers in at once) He's always been pretty good with teeth, no real fussiness or anything, which is nice. Cayden is good, he's so funny but such a trouble maker. Jeremy and I finally got to go out by ourselves tonight for a bit - I won tickets to this party a food magazine was throwing. It was pretty good, and free, which is always nice :-)

The only thorn I have in my side currently is that we filed our taxes on the 21st of January, they were accepted the 22nd, and we still haven't gotten our refund yet. We were super confused as to why, and I even blamed Jeremy, sure that he had done something wrong. The Where's My Refund website thing went from saying we'd have then on the 3rd to the 14th, then said they had no record of our return, then said that it would get to us in 6 weeks. I knew there was a glitch in their system which held some of them up if you filed before the 26th, but everyone else I had known had already gotten theres. The IRS says to call them with questions, but the number they direct you to is totally automated and doesn't give you the option to talk to someone, and doesn't really give you any information. Well, after digging around, we finally figured out you have to hit the # key in order to talk to someone. The good news is, we didn't get it back yet because we're getting more money than what was estimated (when does that ever happen? Seriously nice.) But the bad news is, it may take up to another 2 weeks to get it. Whomp whomp. Still, for the extra money, I'll totally wait.

What about you guys? Getting a refund back? If so, what are you planning to do with the money? We're paying off bills (always bills) and then saving some and taking the boys to Sesame Place with some. I've also toyed with the idea of a giveaway on here - other blogs do a giveaway and you guys are so awesome and have stuck by me. I just wouldn't know what people would want or even how to run it. Any suggestions?

Don't forget it, you'll regret it, Mother knows best.

Drew and I spent the evening talking, kissing, and cuddling. When things started getting too heavy physically, we’d both pull back and take a break, talking, updating each other on our lives, and really getting to know each other all over again. If you had asked me before, I would have told you I knew Drew, inside and out. But, the thing I didn’t take into consideration is that people change, and Drew had changed. I had changed. At first, the thought of taking things slow seemed almost agonizing. We had none each other so long, how slow could we possibly take things? But I found I liked getting to re-know Drew. I liked the excitement and anticipation of things. I thought I liked him before – now I was downright giddy.

He did end up spending the night, but only because we both fell asleep on the couch talking. I woke up the next day to the sound of the door opening and closing. Even in my groggy state, I knew it would be Matt, and I knew this had the potential of being very awkward. I untangled myself from Drew carefully and padded out to meet him.

I was surprised by what I saw. Wherever Matt had been, he had very clearly had a rough night.

“Hi.” I said, unsure of how to proceed.

“Ella, I can’t right now, OK?”

“Can’t what?” I asked, confused.

“I can’t pretend like I’m OK with all of this. I meant what I said about wanting to work through it so we can stay friends, but I guess I’m just having a weak moment right now, and I want to go to bed. I’m sorry.”

“Oh..” Was all I got out before he brushed past me and went into his bedroom.

“What was that about?” Drew asked, coming up behind me.

I shrugged. “Rough night, I guess.”

I knew by the look on Drew’s face that he knew what was going on, but he didn’t say anything.
“What’s on the agenda today?” He asked, heading for the kitchen.

“I really need to go visit my parents, and I should stop by and see Toni and the kids.” I almost added that I should also spend time with Matt, but I didn’t know if I should or not. I knew things would be a little awkward for a while, and I was willing to push through it, but I also thought I should probably leave the ball in his court. I didn’t want it to seem like I didn’t care, but I also knew this was a lot harder for him than for me, and I didn’t want to be insensitive.

“Well, I’m going to head home then. Maybe I’ll see you at Toni’s?”

“Yeah…” I trailed off. This was hard. I wanted to spend more time with Drew, and I knew I only had a few more days left before I had to go back to Colorado, but I also didn’t want it to become all about Drew before I left. Not only would that make going back harder, but I just didn’t want to become that consumed again. But, I also didn’t know how to broach it with him without it sounding like I didn’t want to spend time with him, I did, I just…

“Alright, well. See you later.” He said, kissing my forehead and moving out the door.

I went upstairs and showered and dressed, realizing that my Mom was probably going to chew me out for waiting for so long to come to see her. I almost hoped she wasn’t home, that it’d be just my Dad.

As I pulled up to their house, I cursed my luck. Not only was my Mom home, but my Dad wasn’t, which meant I could either come back later, or just suck it up and get it over with. But, I hadn’t told Toni I would be over until later, and I didn’t want to just waste time when I had so little of it. Plus, I sounded like a big baby hiding from my Mom. It wasn’t that she was horribly mean or anything. We didn’t really fight, but it was just… Awkward.

I pulled in the driveway and got out, heading for the door. I knocked and tried the knob. It was open, so I went on inside, and was greeted by my parents too old dogs. I bent down for kisses and belly rubs.

“Greeting the dogs before you greet your old mom, huh?”

“Hi Mom.” I said, standing to give her a hug. I knew she was joking, but it still rubbed me the wrong way.

“I didn’t know if we’d see you or not this weekend. Your Dad said Drew was going to pick you up.”

“He did. Where is Dad?”

“He ran to the store. I’ll give him a call and let him know you’re here.”

“No big deal. I was planning on hanging out for a while. I mean, if that’s OK.”

“Oh. OK.” She answered. “I was just in the kitchen, making cupcakes. Come on back.”

My Mom was pretty much Martha Stewart. She cooked, she baked, she decorated and sewed. She was home every day after school and on paper was the world’s best Mom. But she was always just a little bit detached. It always came across to me that she was more worried about the overall appearance rather than the actual details. She presented a pretty picture, but if you were to open the closet, a lot of crap would come falling out.

She fussed around for a few moments, getting me a drink, asking if I wanted a snack, getting me some cookies even though I said no. Then she turned and went back to her work. I expected her to say something – ask how Colorado was, how Drew was, but no. Silence.

“So, uh. What are you making cupcakes for?” I asked after I couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Nancy next door asked if I could make them for her daughter to take to the bake sale. She’s swamped with work, I guess. She tried to pay me for them, but you know me. I love baking, and I can’t do it too much anymore since there’s nobody but me and your Dad to eat.”

Again, she probably didn’t mean it as a dig, but it felt like one. I wasn’t home to eat her things anymore, so I was the one stopping her from doing what she enjoyed.

“Well. Colorado’s been fun.” I said, even though she hadn’t asked. “I’m glad to be home, but I’m looking forward to getting back to the girls.”

“Oh? How much longer do you have?”

“I go back for six weeks and I get a week off. Then I have five more weeks and I’m home for good.”

“Oh good. Not too much longer.”

She said it as though I didn’t enjoy being there, or as if I shouldn’t enjoy being there.

“Yeah, not too much longer. I’ll miss it, though.” I expected that to be the end of our conversation, and was prepared to wait in silence for my Dad to come home, but my Mom surprised me.

“So your Dad said Drew came and got you? You two not fighting anymore?”

I hadn’t told her we had been fighting, so my Father must have said something to her.

“Yeah, we worked it out.”

“That’s good. Drew’s been a good friend to you.”

“He has. We’re more than friends though.” I said, treading carefully. I remember being in this same spot the last time I dropped this news. She hadn’t handled it well then, and I didn’t know how she’d take it now.

“What do you mean?” She asked. She had been in the middle of decorating a cooled cupcake, the icing bag poised above, a drip of icing threating to fall from the tip.

“We’re trying again. He’s my boyfriend.” I said, stumbling over the words.

“I see.” She answered, and she dropped her gaze back to the cupcake. “Are you sure that’s such a good idea? Last time it didn’t end so well, now did it?”

“Last time was a mistake.” I felt myself getting defensive.

“I know, honey. No one is blaming you. I just mean how do you know the same thing won’t happen again? You two were so rocky afterwards. Drew’s a good friend to you, are you sure you want to risk that?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that, and I wasn’t entirely sure where all this was coming from. My Mom always seemed to love Drew, you would think that would mean she wanted us to end up together.

“I don’t really know what to say to that, Mom. We’re together, it’s what I want.”

She sighed and wiped her hands on her apron. “Sometimes Ella, what you want may not be what you need. Or it may not be good for you. Sometimes, you don’t always get what you want.”
Now I was pissed off and confused. I was about to ask her what she meant when my Dad walked in.

“Ella!” He called. “It’s about time you came to see your old man!” He walked in the kitchen and must have seen the look on my face. He glanced at me, glanced at my Mother, and then pulled me to my feet.

“C’mon, let me show you my newest property I’ve bought!”

Good old Dad. He knew I didn’t give two shits about his property, but he’d been saving me from my mother for years.

It's Wednesday the 15th - I had expected to get a post up yesterday (and have one half written) but I also didn't plan to be up until 3AM working on math homework (I just don't get it. And then I think I get it and I don't and what can I say except I really hate math!)I don't think I'm technically "due" for a post yet, but I thought it'd be nice to have it up early for a change, and you know, on Valentines Day. I'm hoping it'll be up later today (again, Wednesday the 15th) but I have one more Math assignment due and I'm supposed to be going out for a bit with the hubs. So if not later today, Thursday it should be up.

Hope y'all had a great Valentines day!

Whatever Wednesday

New post below this - it's short, but I think combined with part one it's a normal post length.

Whew. Life is hectic - but it's getting a little better. Jeremy got a new job and the hours were killer - I was pretty much alone with the kids from almost the time they woke up until they went to bed. We also only have one car so I was stuck alone in the house with them. I literally thought I was going to go insane - Single Mom's and Mom's with husbands who are deployed, I do not know how you do it. Jeremy and I were fighting, I was being mean to the kids, I literally felt like I was losing my mind. It probably sounds so dumb, but to be stuck in the house with the kids all day by myself was just a lot harder than I ever thought possible.

So, he decided to go back to his old job. The hours there are way earlier, which stinks, but we pretty much have the whole early afternoon to evening together. It's still not ideal, but it leaves him time to job hunt for something better.

My dog is better - that was hard. We had two puppies, Koopa and Goomba. Koopa was the runt of the litter, and Goomba is... Well, we call him Big Fat Goo Dog for a reason. I knew when she started throwing up what it was. I freaked a little because she was vaccinated and I didn't understand how or why it was happening. We hadn't had them around other dogs or anything. Anyway, we took her to the vet. There's not a whole lot they can do, and Koopa was already still so small from being the runt, and she just didn't make it. Goomba, for a few days after, was fine. We had hope that maybe his vaccine took when hers didn't, or because he was bigger he was just stronger than she was and was able to fight it off. But then on my birthday he started throwing up. It was really scary and he got really bad, but through medication and force feeding of water and gatorade, he's better. And it's insane to know that last week he wouldn't even jump up on the couch and to see him now. It's still not great - I can tell he misses Koop and he does get lonely and bored by himself I think, but we can't bring in another dog and risk it getting sick too, and to be honest two dogs was quite a bit of work that I don't really know if I want to do. So, we're trying to lavish extra attention on him.

Then there's school, which hasn't been too difficult, but it's funny because I'll be like "whew, this assignment is complete" and then realize I need to start working on the next one, lol. I'm also mad at myself because I stupidly missed a math quiz, and I need ALL the points I can get in math because it is not my strong suit at ALL. So I'm hoping I pass the class or I guess I'll be adding it on to my class list for next quarter, lol.

Other than that, nothing else. School, kids, dog is my life, lol. The 24th is Jer and my wedding anniversary. We've been married for four years and it blows my mind. I know four years isn't a super long time, but it is my longest relationship.

How's everyone else doing?

Part TWO

-Short, but combined with part one, they would make a normal size post-

All I had wanted while I was away was to be at home, by myself, and just be able to do nothing. Now I had that, and I was so beyond bored. I sat around the house, time ticking slowly by, trying to find ways to occupy myself. I knew one thing was for sure, when I went back I wouldn’t complain about being too busy. I kept waiting for Matt to come home, and he did not. I was more than ready for the time when people would start arriving to hang out – and quickly became annoyed when that time rolled around and nobody was showing.

At first I was just antsy. I paced and checked the window. Then I tried to call the people who said they were coming over – and got frustrated when nobody answered. Then I got both pissed off an annoyed, and was about to head upstairs to change into my pajama’s when I heard the knock on the door.

I opened it and saw Drew standing on the door step.

“Hey, sorry I’m late.” He said, walking through the open door. “Or am I late? Where is everyone?”

“Good question.” I said. “I was told we’d be meeting for dinner and games and nobody has shown and nobody has answered their phone, or returned my texts. So.”

“Oh. Well. I mean… You still want me to hang around? In case anyone else decides to show? Or, uh, you know, we could do something?”

“Yeah, I mean… You did come all the way over. And I’m starving.”

“You wanna go out and get a bite?”

I shook my head. The earlier thought of getting into my pajama’s still sounded like a good one. “I’m not really in the mood to go out. I’m kind of bummed everyone bailed. But maybe pizza?”

“Sure, pizza’s good.”

“Can you order? I’m gonna go change. And hey, why don’t you order a movie?” I said, tossing him the remote.

When I came back down, Drew was sitting in the middle of the couch, a movie paused on the TV in front of him.

“That’s my shirt.” He said, smiling at me as I sat next to him with my legs curled underneath me.

“I have a whole wardrobe full of your stuff. It’s the most comfortable stuff I have.”

Drew slipped his arm over the back of the sofa, and without thinking about it, I leaned into him. My head hit his shoulder, and as soon as it did, a thought hit me and I popped back up.

“This was totally planned, wasn’t it?” I asked, looking over at Drew.

“What was?” He asked, looking confused.

“Tonight. Us. Being here alone. I mean maybe you weren’t in on it, but…” I remembered Matt leaving earlier. He had probably called everyone and told them not to come, and then stayed away from the house all day. He knew if he came home he didn’t have an excuse for leaving again.

“I’m not following.”

“Matt and I talked this morning, and he asked what the plans were for tonight and some other things. Anyway, he left pretty abruptly and I thought I had made him mad or something. I’m pretty sure he called everyone and told them not to come.”

“Why?”

“He wanted us to be alone I guess.”

“You don’t find that weird at all? I mean he likes you, right? Why is he pushing us so hard? I mean not that I mind, but it just makes me a tad suspicious.”

I sat up all the way now so I could turn and face Drew.

“Are you really worried about him?”

He shrugged. “I mean, yeah, a little. And don’t give me that look, it’s not because I don’t trust you. I mean it’s always a risk in a relationship, right? Things might not work out and people move on.”

“I think Matt just wants me to be happy. And I think he knows you make me happy.” Then I smiled. “And you said it was a risk in a relationship. So… Is this a relationship?”

That caused redness to creep up in his cheeks and a smile to cross his face.

“I don’t know yet. I wanted to take things slow, but it’s hard. It’s definitely where I want things to go, though.” He reached forward and brushed a stray strand of hair across my forehead and tucked it behind my ear. “What about you? What do you want?”

I swallowed hard. “You. I want you.”

I couldn’t tell you who initiated it. I couldn’t tell you if Drew leaned forward or if I did, or if maybe we both did it at the same time. But somehow, I was in his arms and his lips were on mine.

And the world was perfect.

Part ONE

---This is super short and uneventful, I know, but I wanted to get something up and got a later start than I had planned because even though my Math was super quick, the boys have colds AND Eli has three top teeth coming in so he was super fussy and didn't fall asleep until 10. Part 2 will be up tomorrow, probably later - look for something around 11PM-12AM est time tomorrow---

I had expected Matt and I to go out to breakfast, so imagine my surprise when I walked down the stairs the next day to find that he had cooked. Pancakes, fruit, sausage, and bacon.

“Wow. Trying to make it really hard for me to go back, huh?” I asked, stealing a sausage link and biting into it.

“That’s the plan.” He said, setting down a carton of orange juice in front of me. “How was the date?”

The question caught me off guard. I figured we wouldn’t talk about it.

“Isn’t that kind of awkward for you to hear about?” I asked, reaching for the carton to pour myself a class.

“Of course it is. But, it’s also awkward to ignore. You’re sitting there knowing I’m thinking about it, wondering when or if I’m going to drop the bomb and ask, I’m sitting here knowing you know I’m thinking about it, wondering how it really went, and wondering if I should ask. So, it’s just better to get it out in the open, get it over with.”

“Good point I guess.” I said. Still, I stalled by taking a long drink of juice, trying to figure out what to say to him, how much information to divulge. “It was… Nice.”

“Oh, come on El. That’s just adding insult to injury, don’t make me drag it out of you.”

I laughed. “This is weird! I don’t know what to say. It was good. At first it was a little weird. Then we both loosened up a little and it got easier. But, I’m still not sure it was a date.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know…” I said trailing off.

“Ella.” He whined, drawing out the a on the end.

“You seem awfully invested in this.” I countered, taking a bite of my food.

“I’m just afraid if we don’t do this, work through the awkwardness, that it’ll always be there, you know? I want to stay your friend.”

“Fine. He didn’t kiss me at the end. I asked him to come in and watch a movie or something and he said no. It was just weird. Maybe I considered it a date and he just considered it trying to re-new our friendship.” I shrugged.

“Well. That is weird. Do you guys have plans again?”

I nodded. “Tonight. Some people are coming over. He said he’d stop by.”

“Well. I mean that’s promising, right?” Suddenly Matt stood. “I’m not so hungry. I’m going to go for a run.”

“Oh… I thought we were going to hang?”

“I’ll be around tonight.” He said over his shoulder and he walked out the door.

And then I was a little mad. It was clear that Matt cut things short because it had hurt to hear about Drew. And I understood that. I remembered how bad I felt watching Drew with his girlfriends or hearing Jason talk about Kayla. But, I also didn’t push for details when I was uncomfortable. It seemed unfair to push and push and then bail.

“Well. He didn’t yell at you.” I mumbled to myself. “It’s just going to take some time.”

Just to keep you in the loop

I totally expected to have a post up by now. But the week hasn't gone so well.

First - THANK YOU for the birthday wishes. I really appreciate them :-)
Second - My other dog got sick - which is why I've been MIA. I was really afraid we were going to lose him too, and yesterday morning he looked really bad. I was a wreck. Cayden didn't really understand what was happening. He kept asking where Koopa (our other dog who we had to put down because of this) was, and when she was coming home. And even though I explained it to him, he didn't really get it. So, I didn't want to lose my dog, and I also didn't want my kids to go through that again.

He turned a corner last night and seemed to be doing really well. We're about 24 hours free without vomiting, and he pooped this morning and it was solid (gross, I know, but I've never been so excited to see poop before) He's also eating and drinking on his own. I'm not saying we're out of the woods yet, in these few days he's lost quite a bit of weight that we need to work on putting back on, but he's much better than he was (and not having to force feed him water from a medicine dropper is also nice.)

I also started working on the new blog. Nothing is up yet, but I set up the address and am playing with some nice and will be working on posts soon - after I get a new post for this up :-) Be on the look out for it Monday at the latest (but I'll probably work on it while bored at the superbowl party we're having!)

Let's start over, I'll try to do it right this time around

-I do apologize for my earlier post. It's been a pretty crappy day. I attempted to get math homework done, and it just wasn't happening. Eli is currently been down for 2 1/2 hours and Cayden has been wrapped up in TV (I know, horrible Mom here) so I got this done. It's for everyone who has taken the time to read the blog, and especially for all those who have been patient and understanding. -

Matt left me alone, and I was surprised how weird it felt to be alone. I guess I had been alone a couple of times in Colorado, but not really. I also felt like since I was at home, I should feel at home, but it was taking some re-adjustment that I hadn’t expected.

I had some time to kill before I had to get ready, and I wasn’t sure how to do it. There was really no point in unpacking my things when I wouldn’t be home that long. Nothing really needed to be cleaned – my room was how I left it, and Matt was pretty tidy. I threw in a load of laundry, but that didn’t take much time at all. I considered TV, but knew there wasn’t anything I was interested in watching. I thought about calling some friends, but realized nobody knew I was home and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to reveal that or not. Finally I gave in, picked up the phone, and called Brook.

“Hello?” She answered. “Is everything alright?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” I asked, confused.

“You just hardly call me anymore, and especially not at this time of day. It made me wonder if something was wrong. But I’m glad you called – I missed you! What’s going on?”

“I’m actually home for a few days, on my break.”

Brook squealed. She actually squealed. I had to hold the phone away from my ear.

“Don’t get too excited,” I said, chuckling. “It’s only for a few days.”

“When can I see you? I missed you! Oh geez, I sound like some sort of weirdo, all excited huh? Are you free now? Wanna do something? Or did you just get in and are all tired?”

“Slow down there, sparky.” I joked. “I’m free now for a little bit. I’m not tired and I’m actually bored out of my skull. I have plans later tonight, but if you want to meet up and hang…”

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Mall? I can leave now.”

“Awesome, I could stand getting some new clothes. I’ll be there in like twenty.”

“So. What are these mysterious plans you mentioned having tonight?” Brook asked after we exchanged hug and hello’s.

There was that goofy smile that ran across my face again. I thought I had gotten that thing under control? It was too late, Brook had spotted it.

“It’s a boy! You met a boy? Or is it a boy you already knew?”

“It’s Drew, actually.” Goofy smile managed to get even bigger and even goofier.

“Really?” Brook asked. “When did that happen?”

“He met me at the airport this morning. We had a heart to heart.”

“So are y’all back together?”

“I don’t know, actually. I don’t even know what this thing tonight is. I guess at first I kind of assumed it was a date, but now…”

“Well what did he say?”

“He said he wanted to start over, take things slow, and then when he dropped me off he said he’d really love to see me tonight.”

“Hmm…” Brook said, tapping her lip. “C’mon.” She said, grabbing my hand and pulling me in the direction of a department store.

“Where are we going?” I asked confused.

“I think to play it safe, you should keep it casual. Now we’re off to find the hottest casual outfit we can find!”

Calling Brook had turned out to be an excellent idea. Not only was she fun to be around, but she had helped me choose an awesome outfit (jeans, which sounds boring but these made my butt look fantastic and my thighs look tiny, and sweater that flowed over all the bad places and clung to all the good places), and then she headed back to my house with me to do hair and makeup. At first I was a little worried, Brook tends to go a little overboard, but there turned out to be no need. She did my hair in a simple half up do, but left my hair damp so that it natural curled and waved on its own. Make up she also kept light, and I didn’t even really looked like I was wearing anything – I just looked brighter and fresher, if that makes sense.

She left me about a half hour before Drew was due, making me promise to call her with updates as soon as I was able. I sat, my nerves jumbling in the pit of my stomach, and I waited. I expected Drew to be late – isn’t that always how it is? When you’re really waiting for something, it shows up late? So the knock on the door fifteen minutes after Brook left caused me to jump. And almost vomit.

“This is Drewbie, El. You’ve been around him a million times. This is just a million and one.” I said to myself, before I opened the door.

The second I saw him, I knew it wasn’t a million and one times. This time was different. And looking at him, I knew that he knew it too. This was a big moment for us – I didn’t understand why. I just knew that this was the deciding moment.

“Hi.” I said.

“Hi.” He answered. “You look nice.” He reached his hand up, as if to brush a stray strand of hair away from my face, and then stopped himself and dropped his arm back down.

“You do too.” I said, partly because I was unsure of what else to say, and partly because it was true. I was glad I picked casual – Drew had gone that way too, jeans and a button up with a tee shirt underneath. But he wore it well.

“You ready?” He asked.

I nodded and followed him to the truck.

It was awkward for a few minutes. But then Drew asked me about Colorado, and the kids, and I found them just as easy to talk about as my kids back home. I told him about them luring away Cumulus, how scared I was, how angry I was. But, with pride I also told him about my last night there, and the plans I had when I got back. And just like that, the awkward wall broke. We talked about his job, what he had been doing, and eventually the conversation turned to Jessica.
“So. What happened?” I asked. I figured now was the best time to take the plunge. We were waiting for the check, so if the conversation turned ugly or painful, we’d be leaving soon.

“She wanted things I wasn’t willing to give. I told you that.” Drew said, playing with his fork.
“What kind of things, Drewbie?”

He studied me for a moment, and I could tell he was trying to decide whether it was a good idea to tell me the truth, or a bad idea.

“She asked me to quit speaking to you. And I know that hurt you, but I was OK with it. Well, OK isn’t the right word, because it was hard for me. But… I understood. And I did agree that it was probably the best thing for our relationship, but I just stupidly figured it was a temporary thing. When our relationship got on solid ground, maybe then she’d be alright with us working on our friendship.” He smirked. “I realize how dumb that sounds now. Anyway. She overheard Jason and I talking you, she flipped out and pretty much squashed the idea that you and I would ever be friends again as long as she was around. Then she just kept pushing us to further our relationship. First it was us needing to move in together, then she started dropping all these proposal hints. We’d watch a romance movie and when the guy would propose she would say ‘keep that in mind, my ring size is a six.’ Just stuff like that. At first I thought she was just joking but she just kept doing it. Then one night one of her friends said something about ‘putting a ring on it already.’ That made me realize that not only had she not been joking when she made those comments, but that she also had discussed it with friends. That led to a discussion after her friend left where I said I wasn’t ready for marriage yet, and she told me I could either get ready or leave. So I left.”

“Crazy.” I said, unsure of what else to say.

“A little bit. I also think that she just never really felt secure in our relationship. She was so worried about you so she kept trying to push our relationship into a place where she felt secure. I don’t think she would have been happy even if I had married her.”

“Did you want too?”

“Want to what?” He asked. The waitress brought back our check and he signed it.

“Marry her?”

“No. If I had, I would have.”

We left the restaurant and got back in his car. The awkwardness was back, and I was disappointed when instead of heading somewhere else, we pulled up in front of my house. Drew got out of the car and opened the door for me, and walked me to the front step.

“You want to come in and watch a movie or something?” I asked.

“Do I want too? Yes. Do I think I should? No. So, I’m not going too.”

“I’m confused.” I said.

“Don’t be. Are you busy tomorrow morning? Want to do breakfast or something?”

“I told Matt I’d do breakfast with him, and catch up. Lunch?”

“I have some school stuff to do. Evening again?”

“I told Brook we could hang out – but we did say it’d be kind of party-like. You’re welcome to come over.”

“Text me tomorrow, and let me know what time.”

“Alright.”

There was an awkward beat, where I knew Drew was trying to decide what to do, and I knew Matt knew I was wondering if he was going to kiss me. Instead though, he leaned forward and gave me a crushing hug.

“I missed you.” He said into my ear. He held me a moment longer, then let go and walked away. “See you tomorrow.” He called over his shoulder.

I called Brook as soon as I got into the house. I felt like a highschool, replaying our outing word for word. When I got to the end though, Brook sounded disappointed.

“Just a hug? What is up with that?” She asked.

“I know I should be saying the same thing Brook, but… I’ve never had a hug that made my toes curl before.”

Shocking!

I'm trying really hard not to say anything in anger that I will come to regret. I hope you all realize that this is NOT directed towards everyone. I wouldn't even say that it is directed towards the majority.

Shocking that there's no new post, huh? I found it shocking that someone would say that, which I saw when I was coming to announce the fact that this morning I had to put my dog down.

It's really enough to make me say fuck the blog. Why should I give a damn about this blog? It was supposed to be fun for me - it started out as being fun for me - and now all it is, is something else on a long list of things to do. I don't get paid for it. I don't really enjoy doing it anymore - but I have a very long list of people who are invested in it, and rooted for it, and supported it, and complimented it, so I did feel like I owed them, and for them I will complete the blog. But for people who find it so shocking that there's no post? Go fuck yourself. Not nice, not mature, but neither is making a snide remark on a FREE internet blog and not even having the balls to slap a name on the comment. There will be a post when you see a post. If it's too much of a hassle for you to type in the address and check every once and awhile to see if that post has shown, then stop coming. Nobody is forcing you to be here. You didn't pay anything for it, you didn't invest anything in it.

Again, there have been SO many people who have been supportive, amazing, kind, funny, and people I would now consider friends - and this is not directed towards you in the LEAST. But basically, if it's a hassle to spend five seconds to check to see if there's a new post, then save yourself the time. Don't come back.

I'm still shooting to get a post up this week. I'm guessing it'll be Saturday night/Sunday morning. I also have 200 math questions due monday, and a test to due Tuesday, which is also my birthday, as well as dealing with a depressed dog who misses his sister and two kids who keep asking when their dog is coming home, so don't be too shocked if it doesn't happen.

I disappeared again. I apologize (I know, I know, you all get it, but I still feel as if I owe an explanation, plus a "I'm still here!") I looked in one of my classes and saw I had to read a book and due a paper and I flipped and devoted myself to it. Turns out the book was a quick (and fun) read, and it's not actually a paper I needed to write, but a list of questions to answer, which, while that took some time, loads easier than a paper. So, good news is, that's done, bad news is, because I was so concentrated on that I haven't gotten any writing done. But, more good news, I decided that since I wasn't doing any writing to focus soley on school work, and in one class I'm two assignments ahead and in another, I've got half the reading done for the next assignment.

Long story short, expect a post up this week :-) Thanks for hanging in there guys.

Whatever Wednesday - a little late

It's been awhile since I've done one of these, huh?

Well, it won't be long, it's supppppper late (almost 4 am! I wanted to get the rest of the post done and after homework, this is when I had time to do it!)

I've come up with an idea for another blog. Matt will be involved. I really like the idea, and I really want to do it, but I'm just not sure. I don't want to start something and then not be able to finish it, or not be able to update it a ton. With this blog I'm shooting for once a week, and I'm really struggling on that. I may attempt it, I just want you all to know going into it, it's only an attempt. Posts will probably be a lot shorter as well (and the post below is shorter than normal, but it just seemed a good place to cut it off.)

How are you all? I've missed you. Laura B. I saw that you commented and now I can't find which post - but I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering about how you were doing, how your kids were and how school was going (though at this point, you might be done, it's been that long, huh? If you have my email address, email me, the newer one. If you don't have it, leave your email here so I can email you and catch up!)

You said I get it, it is what it is

He left me then, and I stood on the porch watching him drive away. I was totally aware of the goofy smile plastered across my face, and I was unaware of how to remove it – didn’t matter, I didn’t want too.

However, as his car disappeared I realized that I would be alone with Matt, and I wasn’t sure how to act. I cared about Matt, I would even admit to crushing on him, but my feelings for Drew were much stronger and I knew this was the direction I needed to go in. Still, I knew he had feelings for me, and I didn’t want to hurt him. I had no idea how to handle this. Should I ask him why he decided to talk to Drew? Thank him? Pretend nothing was going on? I took a deep breath and entered the house.

Cue followed me into the house. It was good to be home, to breathe in the scent of home, to be surrounded by things that I knew were mine and that brought me comfort. I listened for a moment, to see if Matt was home, and heard noises at the back of the house in the kitchen.

“Here goes nothing.” I mumbled to myself. “Hey! Anyone home?” I called out louder, heading for the kitchen where I knew Matt was.

He was leaning against the counter, shirtless, in the middle of taking a bite out of an apple. He smiled, his mouth closed. Juice slid down the corner of his mouth.

“I didn’t know if you’d be coming back here or not.” He said after he swallowed his bite. He used the back of his hand to wipe away the juice.

“I wasn’t sure either. I didn’t think anyone knew I was coming home. I had originally planned on hiding out at Mom and Dad’s.”

Matt nodded. “I figured you might. I assume then that Drew picked you up?”

I hadn’t expected him to be the one to mention Drew.

I nodded. “You sent him, right?"

Matt shrugged and turned away from me, busying himself with the dishes in the sink. I got the distinct feeling that he was just trying to find something to distract himself so he didn’t have to look at me. “I went and talked to him, yeah. I wasn’t for sure what his plans were though.”

“Matt…” I said, reaching out and touching his shoulder. I wasn’t quite sure how to handle this.

“Ella, it’s fine.”

“Why’d you send him, though?” I asked. I hoped the question would hurt Matt, but I needed to know.

He sighed and turned around. At first I thought he was going to tell me to fuck off or something, but then he moved to the table and sat.

“You told me that you would be with me, but that if Drew came back, you would leave.”

“I’m sorry I…”

Matt held up his hand, and so I quit talking.

“When you told me that… I realized that if I was ever going to try things with you, Drew needed to clear the air first. I talked to him a couple of times, about calling you. He said he didn’t want to do things over the phone, which I understood, and he didn’t want to bother you out there. When I found out you were coming home…” He shrugged. “I know I could have not told him. He probably wouldn’t have found out. If he did, he still might not have come to talk to you. But, I didn’t want it to be like that. If we were together I wanted to know that it was because you WANTED to be with me, and not because your first choice was being an idiot.”

“This whole thing makes me sound like such a jackass.” I said, slumping down in a chair across from him.

He shook his head. “No. You can’t help who you have feelings for, El. You were honest with me. Was it the answer I wanted? No. Did it hurt? Yeah. But, it is what it is. If we could choose who we had feelings for, I’d be with Kel right now. That would be the easy thing.” He shrugged. “I told Drew all this too. That he could get over his issues and try to work things out, or he needed to let you know it was never going to happen. I’m guessing he chose the first one?”

I nodded.

“Smart guy.” He said, smirking at me.

“I feel so guilty.”

“Like I said El, it is what it is. You didn’t do anything wrong. The situation isn’t how I would have chosen it to be, but that’s life. You can’t choose how it’s going to go all the time. Besides, I still have a chance, Old Drewbie can still mess up.” He said, winking at me.

“I almost want him too. You really are an amazing guy, Matt.”

He sighed dramatically. “I know. It’s hard work being this awesome.”

“Oh whatever.” I said, rolling my eyes and laughing.

“Well. Come over here already and give this amazing guy a hug!” He exclaimed.

I did. And I was surprised at how un-weird the whole situation was. I was worried he would attempt to put a move on me, or it would be too hard for him, or just feel awkward, but it didn’t. And I realized then, I really meant what I said. Matt was amazing, and I was really lucky to have him as a friend.

“What’s on your agenda, now that you’re home?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I know I should see a bunch of people, but I don’t want it to be running all around. I’m going out with Drew tonight, and I have to see my parents at some point, but I think other than that, it’s plan free. People can stop by if they want too.”
“Sounds good. I’m going to go out for a run, I think. I know you’re plan free but maybe breakfast in the AM? Catch up a little?”

“Sure. I’ll see you then.”

Sunday Jan. 8th: Sorry guys. I know I'm really late on getting a posting up. The holidays screwed with Jeremy's work schedule and I had five days alone with the kids in a row. My house is a wreck, I'm exhausted, and I have not had time to write (and I hope that hasn't come off as snappy, I'm not trying to be and nobody has been pushy or anything, lol. I just wanted to give it to you straight) I started working on the next post. Very latest it will be done Wednesday. I do apologize, but trust me, it has not been a fun week at all and I would have MUCH rather been writing.