And I was hoping it could end on a happy note...

Here's the thing... If you were supportive about me ending the blog, you can read this, but please know, it is NOT directed to you at ALL. I appreciate all the kind responses - especially the ones who said they were disappointed but understood. I get being disappointed, I am disappointed too, but I think MOST of you realize what I am trying to say, and therefore, this explanation is not for you.

I hesitate to say anything at all, because I am afraid of offending people who I don't mean to offend, so again, I stress the fact that if you haven't said anything, if you've wished me well, this is NOT for you in the least bit. There have only been a few negative comments, and since they were all (of course) anonymous, I have no way of telling just how many people have been commenting. But really, it has pissed me off and even hurt my feelings, so please excuse me for ranting.

For those of you who say I'm being inconsiderate, rude, or disgusting by ending the blog... Really? Do you REALLY not get it? This blog was a HOBBY, something I did for FUN. I enjoyed doing it for awhile. I enjoyed the friends I made while doing it. I enjoyed the good comments, and even the bad ones, because some of them made me take a look at what I was doing and see if there was any way to better myself. But the fact of the matter is, as I have said NUMEROUS times: I will end the blog when it's no longer fun. And guess what? It's no longer fun! You guys sitting here calling me rude and inconsiderate and demanding I give you an ending almost make me want to not come back at all. To not even try to write an ending. But I know there are MORE people who appreciate what I did, MORE people who understand where I coming from, and to punish them for a few assholes making stupid, selfish and hypocritical remarks would MAKE me rude and inconsiderate to the people who did nothing but support and love this blog.

I ALWAYS said everyone has a right to an opinion if they express it respectfully - and I don't think some people get that, because it seems to me that people are allowed to say whatever they want to me, using whatever rude and personal attacks that they see fit, but the SECOND I try to explain or defend myself - even WITHOUT the name calling - I suddenly become the bad guy : the rude one who's being selfish, immature, disgusting, whatever fill in the blank that you see fit.

Today I got called hormonal, which, you're totally right I am. I cried during American Idol yesterday and today because I was so sad Simon was leaving. And I don't even like the show all that much! That's hormonal. But responding to an attack someone makes by expressing my opinion respectfully is NOT hormonal, it is a NORMAL reaction. You know what I think is a tad hormonal? People who are SO upset by a FREE blog ending that they would name call like five year olds? If I'm hormonal, you must be MAJORLY on the rag.

Again, saying you wish it would go on, I get. Saying you're disappointed I'm not continuing, I get. Asking me to please try to work out an ending? I understand that as well. Those are normal, those are things I myself are thinking: I wish I felt like going on, I loved this blog SO much and now all of a sudden I don't, I'm disappointed that I just don't feel I can stick it out anymore, and really I would LOVE to give the blog an ending - but one that I think FITS the blog, not just some piece of crap that I threw together to please people, but I know if that happens, people will NOT be pleased. But telling me I'm being ungrateful and selfish and that I OWE you an ending? Again, I pose the question: Why do I owe you anything? As I said in my previous statement, I appreciate ALL the support, well wishes, compliments I got. But it's not like I didn't WORK for them, I spent a lot of time not only writing the posts, but figuring out how to do the layout of the blog, making play lists, answering emails... I didn't get paid for it. I didn't get back the time I spent away from my son, my husband. House work that didn't get done during nap time had to be made up during the evening time - time I normally spent with my husband. I find it hard to believe that any of you making negative comments would do so much work without getting paid - unless you enjoyed doing it. And when you stopped enjoying it? I highly doubt that you would feel as if you owed anyone anything. It's give and take. I wrote entries, people commented. We broke even like that. It's not like I left with a balance due. You gave me support and compliments, and for awhile I gave you what I tried to make a good story. I can no longer make a good story, I no longer want too. I was hoping a break would bring it back, and I said that I may be back, but some people automatically just wanted to jump on the negative and demand that I give them something.

Again, I hope that I am VERY clear to the people who said nothing negative: I appreciate EVERYTHING. Every comment, every note, every word of encouragement. But I just don't feel like I owe anyone anything... I gave you all I had, right now I have nothing left to give, and if that wasn't enough... Well, I don't know what to tell you.

For now, the comments are turned off. I feel bad because I have a feeling some people won't check in till friday and won't get to say their goodbyes, if they want too. But I'm sorry, I just don't want to hear anymore. I made the decision that I felt was best for my family and I. I've always said my family comes first, and I don't want to take time away from them to do something I don't even enjoy - that takes more time to do now, even when I'm only posting 2 times a week, then it did when I was posting four times a week.

Again, I think the majority of you guys get it, and again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! It was hard making this decision, but I am hoping that FOR YOU GUYS I will be back and ready to go at the end of the summer.

As I said before, for those of you who want to keep up on personal life things, the blog link is www.sproutmakes4.blogspot.com

Just to be clear - this post will have no set schedule, it could end at any time (though I will always tell you when and why I'm ending), and I ask that we not talk about the Apathy blog over there. Also, while I was wide open with comments and opinions on this blog, I ask that if you have nothing nice to say, you don't comment. Rude comments will be deleted, as well any comments about this blog. I may one day show my kids that blog.

Again, thanks SO much to the people who wished me well, I really hope to be back when the summer is over.

Whatever Wednesday: I think I'm done EDITED

I wanted to edit this to add a few things that people have been concerned about:

1.) I would really like to make an ending, however I am NOT willing to slap an POS ending on it for the sake of it. I think it's much better to let people imagine their own endings rather than be seriously dissatisfied with an ending I pulled together because I felt like I had too. So basically while on my break, I'm going to at least try to head towards an ending. If it comes, it does, if it doesn't - you'll just have to make up your own.

2.) I won't take the blog down. Many people have said they'd like to go back and read, and you're totally welcome too. I've also been toying with seeing if someone would like to take over - I'm not sure about this one yet because... Well, it's kind of my baby and I dunno if I'd get pissed off if someone took it where I didn't want it to go, lol, but we'll see.

3.) A lot of people have asked to keep them updated on the family and the baby. I've started a new blog for this: http://www.sproutmakes4.blogspot.com/ There's no posts up yet, and I'm not promising a posting schedule at ALL, but I promise to announce milestones - when we find out the sex, what we name the baby, when the baby is born. I may do more - I journal for the baby and Cayden both, so this may take over as the main outlet, I don't know. And for those who may think it's bull that I'm quitting this blog and starting another - it's a lot easier and quicker to jot down notes from real life than to make something up, and again, I'm not even promising I'll be on there a lot. I just don't want to clog this area up with updates, and I thought it would be a good way to also keep in touch with people and let people know if/when I'm coming back.

I think that sums it up.


I know lately there have been a couple of people unhappy/complaining about the blog. I can't really blame them, to be honest. This blog used to be my baby, and I would think about it all the time, and have posts written out in my head before I even sat down to write. I knew where it was going, I was excited to write, excited to see what you guys thought. And people really seemed to like it then.

Now? Not so much. I know some people might say I'm unhappy with the blog because I'm not receiving all praise... But I don't think that's it. I became unhappy with the blog before the negative comments came in, and I think they came in because I was unhappy and it showed in my postings. I just don't like to do it much anymore - and again, I think it shows. It's like, I went from posting four times a week with little to no problem, and now I can barely manage two times a week. It's not because I have all this stuff to do (although I do find myself busier now that the weather is nice and I want to take Cayden outside) but mainly because I just don't WANT to write. I don't know if I burnt myself out posting four times a week, and now I just can't recover, or if the story has just reached it's end (only doesn't yet have an ending). And again, I think people are complaining because I'm rushing to post and it's total and utter crap. At least that's how I feel - that stuff just isn't as good as it used to be. Maybe it was always crap, lol, but I felt differently.

I'm not writing this to get people to kiss my ass and ask me to stay - feel free! ha ha, who doesn't like compliments? But it still sums up to the fact that I just DON'T like to write anymore, and I don't think all the compliments in the world are going to change that.

I've struggled with what to do, and I just don't know. I really enjoyed talking to you guys, and getting to know you, and I loved sharing the story with you, and hate to just leave you hanging, but I just... Dunno if I can bang out an ending that's worthy, ya know? So I think I've decided to take the summer off. I can spend time with Cayden outside, without worrying about when to post, and maybe it'll come back to me and I can save up some posts. Maybe it won't and the blog will just have to end without an ending.

I'm sorry if you're unhappy with the decision I made - I know it sucks leaving you guys hanging, but personally I think it will suck more giving you guys half assed posts that suck.

And if I came out at ALL bitchy in this, or sounding ungrateful, please know that I did NOT mean too in the least bit. Again, I have had negative comments lately, and while negative comments suck (Honestly, do you like them?) I do know that I've gotten far more positive ones than negative, and again, I really think a lot of those comments stem from the fact that it's really just not very good anymore.

Toni's POV: Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken

When I got off the phone with Ella, I felt a little guilty. I knew sometimes I could be pretty abrasive with her, but I just didn’t really believe in treating someone with kid gloves. True, you didn’t need to be rude in order to be honest, but sometimes when you were honest people would accuse you of other things, like jealousy or rudeness.

Nick noticed my face when I hung up the phone. “What’s up?” He asked, sitting next to me.

“This whole Ella and Drew thing…”

“Is not your problem.” He said, cutting me off.

“I know, but it’s just…”

“It’s just nothing honey. All you’re doing is causing drama, and you don’t need the stress right now. Besides, it’s none of your business.”

“UGH!” I yelled, throwing down the book. “Do you ever stop to think that all this de-stressment crap is CAUSING me stress? I’m not allowed to move without someone breathing down my neck. I’m tired of being tired, tired of being stuck in this bed. And you know what, it IS my business. She comes to me, and she asks me for advice, and what am I supposed to do?”

“Tones, look.” Nick said, his voice low and calm. “I know this is hard on you. Trust me. I know you’re watching everyone else go on with their lives and you’re just stuck in your bed…”

“How can you know Nick? You’re not the one going through it. You can walk around and do whatever it is you want to do. I either can’t do what I want to do because you’re bugging me not too, or the doctor is telling me I need to rest or I’ll be put on bed rest, and when I finally do find something that I’m allowed to do, I feel too sick or tired to even do it. It’s bullshit, you saying you understand, because you don’t have a fucking clue.” I snapped.

“How the hell did this turn from Ella and Drew to me and you? You’re right, I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, and you’re right, you do bear the brunt of this Toni. But, I’m struggling too. I’m working at working, I’m driving back here to work on the house, I’m taking care of the kids, and I’m dealing with a very hormonal wife…”

“Oh, don’t even go there…” I tried to cut him off.

“Oh yes, yes Toni, I’m going there. I don’t understand why women take hormonal as an insult when you’re pregnant, because guess what? YOU’RE HORMONAL! And if you deny it, then you’re also delusional!
”
“Well I have every reason to be hormonal.” I said, pouting.

“I know. I’m not saying you don’t have a reason to be hormonal.” His voice was calmer now. “But you have to know that just because I know it, doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. You’re here, you’re there, you’re everywhere, all at once. I feel like sometimes I just can’t keep up with you at all.”

“I know. And I’m sorry, but I can’t do anything about it. And then when I think about it, I get even more pissed off. Nick, I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t plan on this, and I mean… I don’t even know if I wanted it.”

“Oh Toni, you don’t mean that.” Nick said, a look of pain crossing his face.

“But I do, and that’s what you’ve got to understand. I barely got used to the fact that we’re having one new child – a surprise none the less – when the curveball got thrown that it was actually TWO surprises. It’s hard for me. I’m jealous of Ella, she’s got so much going on right now, Nick. She’s got a good boyfriend, another guy pining over her, a job she loves, and this… Freedom. I can’t even take a shower without a time limit.”

“But you have a pretty good life too Toni.”

I sighed deeply, knowing that I had hurt he feelings. “I know, Nick. I know. I’m not saying I don’t. I know you love me, I know we are lucky to have two beautifully healthy kids, and I know I’m lucky to even be pregnant, a lot of women don’t get that. But, sometimes I still feel angry about how things are going, or jealous of other people’s lives. I still can’t do what I want to do, and that makes me angry and resentful sometimes. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I can’t help how I feel.”

“I know.” He said, leaning over to kiss my forehead. “We only have a little while longer Toni.”

“It feels like an eternity.” I whined.

We cuddled close together for a moment, and I’ll have to admit, it was nice. The doctor had put me on pelvic rest, which meant no sex. Honestly, that was just fine with me, I had no desire for it, and at times I was so angry at Nick for knocking me up that I was glad I could withhold it. But we hadn’t even cuddled lately, and I realized that it was my fault, I had been so stand offish and cold lately.

“Look, I just think… Maybe the reason I’m harping on Ella so badly is because I want her to get mad at me. I mean I haven’t been too nice to anyone lately, and I just think… Maybe I want everyone to get mad at me and leave me the hell alone. It doesn’t make much sense though, does it? I mean I’m so lonely because all I really get to do anymore is lay in bed by myself, but I’m also just…”

“You’re mad at everyone else. You probably feel like nobody else gets what you’re going through, and therefore you want to push them away… But Toni, if you push people away, you ARE going to be lonely, and then you’re also going to be angry that they’re not around.”

“I know.”

“I think, though, maybe it’s time to get some help…”

“Like what? We tried a sitter, and you saw how well that worked. What are you going to do? Pay someone to spend time with me?”

“No, I mean like some sort of therapy or support group…”

“I do NOT need therapy.” I protested.

“But I think you do… You don’t talk to anyone about what’s going on Toni. I know you consider yourself a strong person, but this situation is very stressful, and I think that part of being strong means you know when to ask for help. You’re not asking for help. You’re taking on everyone elses issues to forget about yours and getting moody and defensive. You can always talk to me, but I don’t think you want too. You said it yourself. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t feel like you can be open and honest with me because you’re too afraid to hurt my feelings. I think someone on the outside of all of this will help. You can be open and honest and know that they’re giving you an unbiased opinion.”

“I don’t know…” I grumbled. I was never one for that touchy feely crap. Therapy had been suggested to me after my Dad died, and while I went a few times, I could never really get into it. The therapist was just too hokey.

“Just… Let me talk to some people. See what I can find. Go a couple of times, and if you don’t like it… Well, then you can quit. But, at least it will be an excuse to get out of the house.”

“I still don’t understand how this turned from a conversation about Drew and Ella into me needing therapy.”

Nick laughed. “I said that earlier. But you were the one that flipped it on me. Look, you know my opinion about the Drew and Ella thing… I know Ella’s made some mistakes, but the fact of the matter is, Drew did too. And if he hasn’t learned by now that he needs to be upfront with things… Well, he’s never going to learn. I feel like you’re putting all this pressure on Ella, and really, there’s not much else she can do. She shouldn’t have to be the one to force Drew to talk to her, or figure things out, you know? I just think you need to back off.”

“It’s just frustrating to see it happen and not be able to do anything about it. And I can’t talk to Drew, I can only talk to Ella.”

“I know, but you can’t DO anything Toni. They’re grown adults.”

I pouted for a moment. “I just also feel so bad for Drew. He’s got so much other crap going on, and I think he really misses Ella.”

“But did you ever stop to think that because he has so much other stuff going on, that now might not be the best time to jump into a complicated relationship? And you know, restarting a relationship with Ella – if it gets that far – will be complicated. Not to mention, he’s got to make the first step himself. I mean I just don’t get you Toni. You were so pissed at Jason for never making his move, and now you’re pitying Drew for not doing it.”

“That was different though. Jason knew how Ella felt for him, it wasn’t a mystery, everyone knew how she felt. It’s almost like Ella is Drew’s Jason. And I hate that, and I think when she realizes it, and she will realize it one day, she’s going to hate it too.”

“You know, that may be the case. But everyone has their own regrets Toni. You just can’t save everyone all the time, people have to make their own choices. I think right now, the important thing is, as much as you may hate it, is concentrating on you and what’s going on in your life.”

“I guess. I dunno. I just…”

“I know, you hate the situation.” Nick said, nodding.

We were quiet for a few moments, before Nick kissed my forehead and rose.

“Wanna go out to dinner tonight? We haven’t taken the kids out in awhile.”

“No. I’m pretty tired.” I answered, rolling over.

I heard him sigh. “Fine. I’m going to pick something up then. What do you want?”
I shrugged. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter.”

I felt guilty all over again when I heard him leave the room. It seemed like if I wasn’t feeling tired or sick, I was feeling guilty. I was being a horrible wife, a horrible mother, a horrible friend. The worst part about it was, I usually knew I was doing it, while I was doing it, or shortly after. I still didn’t stop, or correct myself, or usually even apologize. I just didn’t care. I knew I should get up, offer to go out to dinner, or at least sit downstairs with the rest of the family, but it just seemed like too much work. I would have to get up, make sure I looked presentable, find clothes, which I would probably discover that most of my pants no longer fit me, even though I just bought them last week, and I knew just walking down the stairs would wear me out…

I heard Nick talk to the kids, and I heard them ask for me. My heart broke, but I still couldn’t make myself get out of bed.

Oh God. Nick was right. If I couldn’t even leave my bed for my kids… I decided not to fight him on the therapy thing. I was ready to get my life back, even if that meant delving into icky feelings.

And it's alright, alright

This vacation was turning out to be a lot better than I had ever expected. I had been worried about Drew, but happy to get away from work drama and Jarren drama. She had been arrested, but since it was her first violation, she had gotten off pretty light. She agreed to stay away from me and had to do some community service and probation, but other than that… It’s not like I was worried about her coming back to get me or anything… If anything, the only reason I was afraid of bumping into her on the street is that I was afraid I’d kick the crap out of her. She had caused such a headache with court stuff, not to mention the drama she created for me at work… I was still so very angry with her.

I was really looking forward to spending time with Seth as well. I knew soon, I’d be away for the summer, and even though I was home on the weekend, there was so much to do in those short two days… Catch up on sleep, plan out the next weeks activities, get supplies together, do laundry… Well, there wasn’t a whole lot else I wanted to do, let alone had actual time to do. My boss had told me before that camp either makes or breaks couples. We saw it every summer, and it didn’t matter if it was a relationship at camp, or a relationship that was at home. So many couples didn’t make it. It was like a long distanced relationship on crack.

I wasn’t really worried that Seth and I wouldn’t make it. If anything… Well, I don’t know. Our relationship had just been feeling really strong lately. But I still realized how badly I would miss him, I really liked that on this vacation I could spend some quality time with him. I was even more happy when Drew and I managed to work out our issues. It seemed almost too good to be true, but I was back with accepting the go with the flow attitude.

That was, until I called Toni to talk to her about what had happened.

“So. You fell. Drew came to your rescue. Then both of you fell and all of a sudden everything’s A-OK?” Toni questioned. I didn’t like the tone of her voice, she sounds skeptical and sarcastic.

“Yes Toni. I just started laughing. It was like when we fell, I realized how absurd it was, which made me realize how absurd our fight was. So I told him that, I told him I missed him and asked if we could be friends.”

“Hmmm.” Toni said. Again, skeptical.

“Tone.” I sighed. “I just don’t get it. This is what you wanted, wasn’t it? Now that it’s happening, why is it so hard to believe?”

“First of all, it’s not exactly what I wanted. I think you and Drew both need to face your feelings for each other and get over your insecurities.”

“Toni I don’t have feelings for Drew anymore…” I interrupted.

“Whatever. We disagree on that part, I know that.”

“Drew doesn’t have feelings for me either. He’s with someone else.” I argued.

“Yeah, because he couldn’t have you. Besides, how much longer do you think they’ll be together?”

“What are you talking about? They’re fine, I haven’t even heard them play fight, let alone argue for real.”

“Just because a couple argues doesn’t mean they’re doomed to fail, and just because a couple doesn’t argue doesn’t mean everything’s sunshine and lollipops El. If you really watch them, they also barely talk to each other anymore, let alone touch. I mean are your eyes open at all?”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m one of your children Toni. Just because I disagree with you doesn’t make me an idiot.” I said through clenched teeth, annoyed at how I was being treated.

Now it was her turn to sigh. “I’m sorry Ella. I didn’t mean to talk to you like that. It’s just that I’ve been around Christi and Drew a lot more than you have, and I’m telling you, they aren’t in it for the long haul. I just worry about you. Sometimes I think you go into things with your eyes half closed, hoping for the best. You and Drew just agreed to make up, but you didn’t TALK about anything. I’m telling you, he, at least, still has feelings for you, and this isn’t going to end well at all.”

“You know Toni, maybe sometimes I do hope for the best. But really, I think that’s a better attitude that the cynical one you tend to adopt most of the time. And all I’m saying is… I said my peace. I told Drew how I felt. I miss him, I want him back in my life. I’m OK with what happened. He had a chance to say whatever he needed to say – if he has feelings for me, if he wasn’t OK with being friends. He didn’t say anything, instead, he just agreed with me. So I don’t think I’m going in it with my eyes half closed at all. If Drew doesn’t feel that way, well, then he lied to me. And it’s not my fault for believing it. He’s a grown ass man, and he’s fully capable of forming words and telling me how he feels, just as much as I am.”

“You’re right Ella. You’re totally right, and I’m not trying to put the blame on you. I’ve told Drew he needs to talk to you and tell you exactly how he feels, but he won’t listen to me. I just figured you may listen a little better. I know you’re both adults, but you’re both my friends, close friends who I care about, and I just hate to see either one of you hurt again… So just… Be careful, OK?”

“Fine.” I said, still annoyed, even though I knew Toni was trying to be more rational. “I’m gonna go, the others will be home soon, I’d like to have dinner started.”

“Alright. Take care. And Ella?”

“Yeah?” I asked, hoping she wouldn’t say anything else to piss me off.

“Have fun. You deserve a break.”

“Thanks Toni.” I said, softening a little.

I hung up the phone with her and limped to the kitchen. My ankle was feeling better, I think it was just a bad twist, but it did still hurt to put weight on it. I had planned on making fried chicken, but didn’t think I could stand in the kitchen for that long. Instead, Drew had suggested grilling out. Even though it was raining, there was a part of the porch that had an awning over it, keeping the grill (and the griller) dry. He was grilling meat and some corn we had picked up, and I had told him I’d throw together a salad. After I chopped everything and mixed it, I stored the bowl in the fridge and hobbled outside to check on him.

“Hey.” He called when he saw me approaching. “You should be inside, with that ankle up.”

I sat in a chair a few feet away from him and away from the smoke. The rain had died down, a faint sprinkle misting the air. “I’m fine. I’m not going to spend this whole time on the couch, so… Besides, if I go to camp with a busted ankle it means I don’t have to hike.” I said smiling.

He nodded. An awkward silence fell over us, and Toni’s words popped into my head.

“So…” I started. He looked up, an eyebrow raised. “How are you and Christi doing?” I decided to nip that one in the bud. Drew would tell me everything was OK, and that would put one of Toni’s little theories to rest.

“We’re fine.” He said. Silence again. “Uh, you and Seth seem to be doing well.”

“Yeah… It’s nice…” I trailed off. Maybe relationships were too much, too soon. “Uh. How’s your Dad?”

“He’s good, real good. Working on redoing some of Nick and Toni’s old house. I thought at first Toni might be mad, you know, she put a lot into that house, but the changes he has made? She loves. She says it’s a good thing they ran out of room, or else she’d make him sell it back to them.”

“How’s your Mom?” I asked, and then regretted it. Drew’s shoulders stiffened instantly.

“She’s… Fine.” He said his tone clipped. He shut the grill lid, and came to sit next to me. “Getting remarried. Younger guy, he has his own kids.” He shrugged, like he didn’t care, but I knew better.

“When’s she getting married?”

“Don’t know, don’t care.” He said. “Mom was just out of my life for so many years. I don’t really see a point in trying to fix that now.

I wanted to push him further… To argue with him. Just because something’s been broken for years doesn’t mean it can never be fixed. But I could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“Well, I’m gonna go make the salad dressing.” I said. “Christi and Seth should be home soon. Meat gonna be done?”

“Yeah, should be another five minutes or so.” He answered, getting up himself to check on it.

I walked away, and I was sure Toni was wrong. I mean yes, for awhile our friendship would be a little awkward, but I didn’t think Drew was harboring these deep dark feelings for me. He gave no indication what so ever to that. Things would be fine, we may struggle for a little bit, but it wouldn’t long before we were back where we used to be. I mean Jason and I were there again, after I didn’t think we’d ever be. Drew and I wouldn’t be any different.

Whatever Wednesday:

Not much to say this week you guys. It's been... I don't want to say a crappy week, because that's not the right word, but not a very good week.

The best news was I got another ultrasound, and everything is good. I'm actually not measuring behind anymore... Well, that's not entirely true. I'm still measuring 3 days behind, but the tech said that if it's not a week difference, they won't change the date. So, I'm 11 weeks, 1 day today, amd at my ultrasound I was 10 weeks, 3 days.

Here's the picture:




Heart rate is now up to 179 beats per minute, which the tech said was very good, and I was very excited about. I know it's an old wives tale, but Cayden's heart rate never got over 150, and he turned out a boy, so I'm hoping the old "high heartrate equals girl" rings true for me. (Although, I KNOW it might not work out that way. My friend just had her baby. All signs pointed to girl for her, including high heart rate, but he's all boy.)

As for the rest of the week... I dunno. I was supposed to be in a friends wedding and I had to back out... She was going to loan us the money to get my bridesmaid dress, was super nice of her, but then she had issues with her tax money, so then she asked if we could do it. And I thought... Maybe we could swing it. But then we got a letter from the IRS ourselves, and if everything is correct, for some reason we owe them 450 dollars from 2008. Super. I just couldn't afford to be in her wedding, so I backed out. She luckily, was very understanding and really still wants me involved, which I am very thankful for, but still bummed.

Sunday we went and found my sister's wedding dress, which was fun, but exhausting. We were shopping ALL day, and I know to most people that sounds like fun, but shopping wears me out. But I am excited that she bought her dress, it really makes the whole wedding thing seem like it's a real go.

It's weddings galore over here though, it's crazy. It's like all my friends and family are getting engaged and married. My friends is in September, I have a cousins in November, another cousins in January, though I probably won't go - the baby will be a newborn, so I think sitting this one out might be the best, but we'll see. My best friend is supposed to be getting married in March, and then my sisters is in June. I love that they've all found good guys, but next time I'm hoping they spread it out a little more, lol. Round two will be babies, I know it, ha ha.

That's pretty much it. We scheduled a 3d ultrasound in a month to see if we could find out the sex of the baby. So, keep your fingers crossed! It was my mother's day present so I'm really hoping it all works out. I'm also hoping this cold I have goes away. It's way worse in the morning, but unfortunately the cough seems to aggrivate the morning sickness I have left... So, bummer :-)

Drew: You go your way, I go mine But I'll see you next time

I had both worried and looked forward to this trip, all at the same time. Worried, for the obvious reasons. It had gotten better between Ella and I, but things were still strained, and it was still hard to see her with Seth. I looked forward to it because things with my Mom had become impossible. She had gone on for weeks, emailing me and calling and bugging me about wedding details. Each time ended in a fight, and finally I told her – I just wanted it to go back to the way it was. When she was self absorbed and drowning in her own grief, too busy to pretend to care about me.

Since then, nothing. I had thought that that was what I wanted… Now I wasn’t so sure. I guess all along I wanted a normal Mom, and my Mom just couldn’t be that. Either she was wallowing in self pity and ignoring me, or trying to hard to be some sort of Betty Crocker-Martha Stewart Super Mom love child.

My Dad had taken the news of my Mom getting remarried surprisingly well. I think he needed it, actually. It seemed to give him permission in a way to move on. He had started going out again, first with some guys to work… Nothing major, bars to watch a game and have a few drinks, fishing trips… He had asked me to come home for a weekend to go on this camping trip with him. I was glad he was moving on, finally, but again, it brought more anger and resentment to my Mom. It didn’t seem fair that for years my Dad had struggled to hold the family together, and Mom just woke up one day and decided to be happy. He had struggled with her leaving, struggled with selling the house, struggled with everything. And she finds someone and gets married. Dad finally had some friends, but Mom… Mom had a whole new life. It didn’t seem fair, considering she was the one who had wrecked everything.

I was also kind of dreading this trip because I had a feeling it was a make or break moment for Christi and I. I could feel something was missing, and I knew she could too. We still had fun together, but the spark… Well, it was dying out. I knew after this weekend, if nothing major happened, we would be having the talk when we got back. And again, I resented that. It was the same situation with my Mom… Ella had messed up. Ella had hurt me. Sure, I had been the one to leave, but I didn’t really have any other choice after what had happened. But Ella was the one that was happy. It should have been the other way around.

I had other reasons to resent Ella too. I was trying hard not too, I knew it wouldn’t do any good, it wouldn’t fix anything, it wouldn’t make me feel better. But I hated the fact that she and Jason seemed so chummy again. How could she forgive him so easily? He had done a lot more hurt and damage to her then I ever had, and yet, she was over it. They went back to normal.

Maybe my problem was that I wasn’t really sure I wanted normal with Ella. Maybe Jason got her back because he would take whatever he could get for her, and I wasn’t willing to accept less than everything. It was all or nothing with me. But, like my Mom, I just couldn’t decide what I wanted from Ella: All, or nothing.

Despite everything I had to brood over, I promised myself that I was going to have a good time during this trip. I had been in a funk for months, and I knew I had to get out of it. It wasn’t doing me any good.

We had picked a gorgeous couple of days to go, and even though it was barely spring, the temperature was well into the 80’s, which was nice. The girls broke out the swim suits, even Chloe. At first she was a little self conscious of her pale skin and scars, but the girls prodded her and eventually they were all running around, screaming at the temperature of the lake water. The rest of the guys and I didn’t think to pack swimsuits… But, we did have shorts, which was good enough. We spent the day terrorizing the girls… Dripping water on them while they were sunbathing, and throwing them into the lake. At first we were more careful with Chloe, but after Seth picked her up and tossed her in, we thought of her as fair game.

We took a break, eating a picnic lunch and talking about what we wanted to do that night.

“I think we should have a slumber party.” Chloe suggested.

“Yeah, we can all camp out in one room and play a bunch of slumber party games.” Ella chimed in, the excitement clear in her voice.

“Oooh, and we can do hair and nails and call ALL the cute boys.” Matt joked, his voice high pitched. Chloe smacked his arm.

“Yeah, we’ll HAVE to call them, because no cute boys will be at the party.” Chloe said back, shooting Matt a look.

“I think it could be fun.” I said. Everyone looked at me. “As long as we don’t play twister.” I added, winking at Ella.

Everyone looked to Ella to find out what that meant. She shot me a look I couldn’t decipher. Was she pissed that I had brought up the past? Or did she take it as a peace offering?

“I think it’ll be awesome. We’ll eat junk food, watch movies, do all the slumber party games, and maybe even give the boys a makeover.” Christi said, smirking.

“Then it’s decided.” Seth said, standing and shaking grass off of himself. “Who wants to go into town with me and pick up supplies?”

Christi volunteered, and for a second, I thought I should go too, but I wanted to stay, swim some more. It had been such a long winter, and the sun felt good on my back. I was surprised when Ella didn’t offer to go either. She just stood, pecked Seth on the cheek, and went and headed for the dock.

Matt and Chloe ended up going off shortly after Seth and Christi left. I meant to get up too, head back to the house where I wouldn’t be alone with Ella. Even though I was willing to work on things… Well, I still didn’t want to be alone with her. That was just too much too soon. However, I was frozen in the sun, dozing like a fat cat on a windowsill.

I was almost asleep when I heard a cry and bolted upright. I had partially forgotten where I was, so it took me a second to get my bearings. I scanned the lake and the dock, which were now empty. Then I saw her… Ella was crouched in the grass a few dozen yards ahead of me. She must have been headed back towards the house. I got up and jogged towards her.

“What’s wrong?” I called.

She looked up, startled, and then seemed a little angry that it was me.

“Nothing, I’m fine.” She said, attempting to stand. She winced in pain, and crumpled back to the ground. “Fuck!” She yelled, exasperated. “Why does this crap always happen to me?”

“What happened?” I asked, crouching down next to her and examining her ankle. Like it had been after the twister incident, it was already swelling.

“I was headed to the house to start dinner. I didn’t see this stupid rabbit hole and stepped in it.”

I touched her ankle but jerked my hand away when she winced again.

“You sprained it. You must have the weakest ankles in the world.” I joked.

“Yeah, and the worst luck. Vacation away from friends, and I always wind up hurt. Well, I’ll tell you what, I am NOT spending tonight in some backwoods country ER. I’m fine. A wrap, some ice, I’ll be OK.”

I nodded. “I don’t think it’s broken, and I do think a trip to the ER would be a waste, but you definitely need to stay off of it.”

She waved me off. “I’ll be fine. Go join the others.”

“Who? Christi and Seth are gone, and Matt and Chloe are busy flirting.”

“Yeah.” She said. “They would make a cute couple, right?”

“C’mon. I’ll help you into the house.”

It started off with her trying to use me as a crutch – one arm around my shoulder and trying to put her weight on me. But we were moving so slowly, and it was beginning to hurt having to hunch down like that. I wanted to pick her up, but hesitated. It was hard enough being this close to her… Feeling her body, smelling her hair… Having her totally in my arms? I just didn’t think I could do it.

However, it seemed fate had other plans. It had been sunny most of the afternoon, but I hadn’t noticed that while I was sleeping, the clouds were rolling in. It started sprinkling lightly at first, and Ella picked up her pace, screwing her face into a mask of determination. But then it started pouring, and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I scooped her up.

“Drew, put me down, I am NOT a baby.”

“I know Ella.” I said as I broke out into a brisk walk. “But I’m not going to get soaked just so you can keep your pride.”

“Just put me down then and go on inside. I’ll get there.”

“Yeah, and then you’ll die of pneumonia and everyone will blame me. Besides, we’re almost there.” I said as the house came into view.

Of course, as we were right in front of the house, fate stepped in again. Mud had formed, and I wasn’t being careful enough. I slipped, and fell. I landed with an oof and Ella fell right on top of me.

We were both totally still for a moment. I was trying to decide if anything of mine hurt, and then when I realized Ella wasn’t moving, I was worried that she had been hurt worse. Then I realized she was shaking.

“Ella?” I asked. “You OK?”

“Yes.” She managed to squeeze out. I realized she was laughing. At first I was confused, but then I started laughing too. She rolled off me.

“Oh Drewbie. I missed you. This whole thing is so utterly ridiculous… I know I hurt you, and you hurt me… But do you think maybe we can get over it now? I missed you.”

I didn’t know what to say. I froze. I wanted to forgive her… Hell, I wanted to kiss her. I didn’t want to do this all over again, this whole ‘sure I’ll be your friend but secretly be in love with you’ deal.

But I couldn’t say no. So I just nodded.

Seth's POV: What would I be Living without her here?

If you had asked me when the idea had come up, I would say that Ella was less than enthusiastic about going out of town with the group of us. I suspected that she didn’t really want to hang out with Drew, but I also knew how hesitant she was to go out of town with just me, so I didn’t know if Drew could be totally blamed, or if maybe she just didn’t like going out of town. I knew she hated to be from work, Nick had told me that even when work wasn’t busy, she hated to be away. I knew that was a turn off for a lot of guys, when a girl was in love with her work… But it made me love Ella just a little bit more. A lot of people might look at the kids she worked with and see a lost cause, or be afraid, but Ella looked at them and saw hope. Sure, she had told me stories of kids who didn’t make it, and I could tell it broke her heart whenever one of her kids messed up… But the way she talked when one of her kids did something right… Well, it was like she had won an Oscar or something.

However, after the whole Jarren debacle, I think getting out of town is something Ella not only needed, but wanted. She wasn’t afraid… I had made the mistake of asking her once if she was afraid Jarren would come back, and she had laughed.

“Jarren’s crazy, not dumb. She knows she’s in a mess of trouble right now. She won’t add any more to it. “ Was her annoyed, but amused response. She didn’t like people worrying about her, and she didn’t love the fact that us guys were making sure she was never alone.

I knew work had given her a hard time about the bruises. She knew people talked about it behind her back, wanting to know the real story, but Ella would never tell them. She just said it was an accident. I told her if she just told them she had been attacked, they might stop with the dirty looks and such, but Ella didn’t want to give them the satisfaction. She had made a few comments that made it seem like she had some issues with a few people who worked there. She wouldn’t quit, she was there for the kids, but… I could tell she really needed a break.

The break also seemed to come at a good time for Chloe. She had seemed drained these last couple of weeks, barely ever making it out of the house. When I mentioned maybe postponing the trip though, she got angry and told me to quit babying her. And sure enough, the days leading up to when we were supposed to leave, she slowly but surely got a new life to her. She ran around the house, packing, demanding to supervise our grocery shopping. It almost gave me hope that things were getting better with her… If she hadn’t pooped out halfway through the grocery trip and needed to get one of those ride on carts, or if it didn’t take her three days to pack her bags because she kept getting tired and needing a nap.

I was looking forward to this mini-vacation because I was hoping if Chloe had fun, it might bring back some of the fight in here. I got the feeling that she was just tired, and while I couldn’t blame her, I wasn’t ready for her to give up yet. I was hoping this trip might inject new life into us all, I had a feeling we all needed it.

We were planning on leaving early morning, so the night before we all went to Ella’s to spend the night. It was awkward at first with Drew and Christie and Ella and myself… Ella was avoiding Drew and being fake-nice to Christie. But, Matt went out to Blockbuster and picked up Raving Rabbids for the wii, and as soon as we were snowboarding on our butts, the tone seemed to lighten up. Ella even razzed Drew when she beat him at a mini-game.

I went to bed that night excited. I really felt like this trip was going to be a good thing for us all, that I wouldn’t worry so much, that Ella would relax, that Chloe would see how much fun life could be and want to beat her cancer… I almost couldn’t wait to get on the road the next morning.

Morning came quickly, and even though I was excited to get on the way, I was tired! I was relieved we had packed the mini-van that we had borrowed from my Mom the night before so we didn’t have to do it in the morning. Unfortunately, everyone else was able to climb into the van and go back to sleep, but since my dumb ass had offered to drive, I was stuck awake.

“Regretting it now, aren’t you?” Ella asked as she snuggled down into her blanket.

“No.” I lied. “You all need your beauty sleep. I don’t, it’s only fair.” I said, smiling at her.

She slapped me. “I was going to offer to buy you breakfast and coffee, but now forget about it.”

I mock pouted, and Ella shrugged, smiling. By the time I hit McDonalds, most everyone else was asleep, but Ella was ready, wallet in hand.

“Thought you were mad at me and weren’t going to buy me anything?” I said, smiling over at her.

“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had McDonald’s breakfast?” She said. “You could murder my Mom and I’d still probably buy you breakfast.”

She leaned over to ask if anyone in the back wanted to order anything, and laughed.

“Hand me the camera.” She said.

“What, why?” I said, glancing around.

It was comical, they were all already passed out. Christi had claimed the front seat to herself, and Chloe was up against the window. The funniest part was Drew, who had passed out and must have fallen over onto Matt’s chest. In his sleep, Matt had wrapped an arm around him. They were cuddling.

Ella snapped a few pictures, grinning at me. We ordered, and on the road we went. I thought Ella would be my traveling companion, but soon after she finished her food, she cuddled down and fell asleep.

Of course, this meant when we finally arrived, everyone was wide awake, and I was exhausted. Ella and Chloe offered to show the guys some of the land. I sat on the deck, half dozing, half watching them walk away, when Christi plopped down next to me.

“He’s cute, huh?” She said, nodding her head in the direction of the group.

“Who? Drew?” I shrugged. “Sure. But he’s not really my type.” I said, winking at her.

“No. I mean, yeah Drew’s cute. I meant Matt though.”

“Matt? Aren’t you dating Drew?” I asked, confused.

“Yeah. But that doesn’t mean I’m blind…”

“Are you and Drew OK?”

She shrugged. “I guess so. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I like him. We have fun together. But, I dunno. I just don’t know if he’s it, you know? So now I’m wondering if I hold on, because there’s nothing really wrong with the relationship, and wait awhile longer to see if feelings pop up, or if I…” She trailed off. “I dunno. Maybe it’s dumb, I mean we haven’t been together that long, so could I really know if he was the one?”

Now it was my turn to shrug. “I don’t think you have to KNOW, but I do think you have to at least feel like it could head in that direction. If you know that it’s not… Well, there’s really no point in hanging on.” I answered.

“But I mean, why break up with someone when there’s nothing really wrong?” She asked.

“Because you’re not feeling it? I mean you can give a little more time and see if feelings pop up… But I just think that if they aren’t even a little there, they won’t be. I mean you could hang on and have your fun, but who’s to say the other person doesn’t have feelings? Feelings only get stronger, Chris.”

“I know…” She trailed off, and I know she was thinking.

“So. You and Matt, eh?” I said, squinting in his direction. “You don’t think that’ll be a little awkward?”

She laughed. “I said he was cute, Sethers. I didn’t say that I wanted to date him. I think someone else does.” She said, keeping her eye on the group.

“Ella?” I asked. “You think Ella wants to hook up with Matt?”

“No, stupid. I think Ella’s happy with who’s she with now. I mean…” She looked over there again.

“Chloe?” I asked, surprised. Chloe didn’t date anymore.

“Mmm. And from the looks of things, I’d say the feeling is mutual.” Christi said, again nodding her head towards them.

I watched as Matt said something to Chloe, and Chloe laughed and shoved him a little. A moment later, Matt bent down and lifted Chloe onto his back.

No brother likes the idea of his baby sister dating a guy, so my first reaction was a protective one. But, then I realized… Well, maybe this is what Chloe needed. Maybe a new relationship would make her want to fight a little harder, hold on a little longer. I was all for that.

“So. You and Ella.” Christi said.

“What about us?” I asked, breaking my stare and turning my eyes back to Christi.

“You think she’s the one? Or is this for fun.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I think she has a strong possibility of being the one.”

I expected Christi to respond in some kind – either laugh and whoop and ask me when I was going to pop the question (she was always ahead of herself) or protest and ask how I could know after such a short amount of time. Instead, she did nothing but nod. Then she left the deck, to go join the others.

Whatever Wednesday: Birthday's, zoo's and doctor's appointments... Oh my

Hubby's birthday went quite well. He got money from his parents, which went to getting license plates and renewing his license (fun stuff, eh?) but they also got him a blue ray player, which I know he's wanted, especially since I made him sell is ps3 to replace the stolen Christmas presents we had. They took us out to a really nice dinner, where we ate AMAZING sour kraut balls. It was a smokehouse, and while I'm usually a big meat and bbq fan, about halfway through dinner I could barely stomach to look at dinner anymore. One of my friends on babycenter said that for her last pregnancy, they quit eating out. She said it wasn't worth it to pay for dinner only to get sick after. We may be at that point, which is a bummer. I'm obviously a huge fan of food :-) Anyway after dinner, they came back and I was feeling dumb because I hadn't even thought to make hubby a cake, but it didn't matter, cuz the in laws bought them a cake from this place called Resch's (I may have spelled that wrong) Anyway, this place just got voted number one bakery in Columbus by readers of the 614 magazine, and it's SO amazing. Seriously, if you're in Columbus, look it up. It's kinda in not so great of an area, but SO worth it.

Here's my newest problem with my inlaws. My mother in law keeps asking me if we have a middle name for a girl yet. She doesn't bug me about the boys, which makes me think she has a suggestion for a middle name. I'm guessing she wants us to have the middle name after her Mom (Cayden's middle name is after her Dad.) I keep telling her we don't have a middle name... Because we plan to use my Mom's, and I want to keep it a secret till after the birth. But I get the feeling it's really going to hurt her feelings/piss her off that we're not using a name suggestion from her family. I mean, at first I didn't care. I'm sorry - we named Cayden after her Dad and it's ALL I hear about... So what's so wrong about taking a name from my family? But Mary Anne... She can be kinda nuts. And I'm just not looking forward to telling her. I know we may not even have to worry about it... The baby may be a boy. But I just wondered... Any other Mama's have name drama? How did you handle it?

Alright... The zoo... I love my zoo. I'm a huge animal lover, a HUGE fan of Jack Hanna, and our zoo just got ranked number one in the country, which was amazing. It really is just a fantastic place. Jack's working on getting Panda's back, and he's upgrading a lot of things, and it's just... A really nice zoo. I haven't been to a ton of zoo's, but it is the nicest of all the one's I've been too. Anyway, we've been waiting for them to open this new exhibit - the polar frontier. We were getting polar bears! It finally opened Thursday. I didn't think we'd be able to go opening day... Jer really wanted to go and I felt bad going without him, but he ended up getting off work in time. So we made it! I am glad we waited too... I looked at some of the news coverages, and the crowds in the AM were INSANE. But, by the time we got there in the afternoon, it had died down a lot. There were still a lot of people there, but a tolerable level where we still got to see things. The polar exhibit? AMAZING. Seriously gorgeous. I wish I was a polar bear. The brown bear exhibit was also really nice, and the bears loved it - they were fighting in the water when we came by. I'll post a few pictures... We didn't get to take many, because after my brand new nice camera bit the dust (Cayden put it in the dog's water bowl) my Mom got me another camera. Not as nice, but still amazing that she bought me one. Only this one takes two batteries. Which, I actually kind of like, because I don't have to worry about charging the camera. However, I do have to worry about batteries... Jeremy bought me some, only they were dollar store ones. And we should have realized that when you got 12 for a dollar that they were going to be crap. So, the batteries died (and the back up set I brought) so we didn't get as many as I liked. But still, we did get some good ones of the polar bears!










As for the doctor... Well, I didn't get to see the doctor. For those of you who have never been pregnant, sometimes you don't see your doctor right away (a lot of doctors make you wait to come in anywhere between 8-12 weeks. Sometimes they'll have you in earlier, but it's just a visit with the nurse. Sometimes even if you're seen between 8-12 weeks, it's a nurse visit.) Anyway, even though I knew this, I wish they would have told me that today was just going to be a nurses appointment. I assumed that since they didn't say anything, I'd be seeing the doctor. So I had my husband take off work so he could watch my son while I was being examined. If I had known it was just a nurses thing, I wouldn't have brought him. So he took the time (and money) off to watch me pee in a cup and get some blood drawn.

So that was a bummer. I do go back Friday to get my TB test read and to get an ultrasound, but now I'm struggling to find a sitter to watch Cayden while I'm having my ultrasound. But, the Nurses appointment went well. They ran another urine pregnancy test and it was still positive, so that's always a good thing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my TB test doesn't pop. It shouldn't, but I just had a friend who's test came back as a false positive and she had to go through a bunch of hassle to prove it wasn't, so now I'm paranoid, ha ha.

I hope y'alls week is going well! I'm starting to feel less sick, so I'm hoping it's going away... We may be bumping up posts soon! I just wanna wait and make sure I really do feel better first!

Some days you're the windsheild... Some days you're the bug

I was shaking as I walked away from Jarren, but I felt better. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. To say I was surprised when I felt something yank on the back of my head and pull me to the ground was an understatement. For a moment, the wind was knocked out of me, and I was so confused to what had happened. Did my hair catch on something? Then I felt a fist connect with my face and I realized what was happening. I was getting the crap beat out of me.

It sounds stupid now, but it didn’t occur to me that it was Jarren. That first blow had made me see stars, so I couldn’t SEE anyone. I thought maybe my house had been broken into or something. Jarren was crazy, but I had never seen her get violent. Anyway, the mystery person had me pinned as a few more blows connected… Finally my brained cleared enough to tell me that I should fight back, but before I could, I felt the weight being lifted off me.

“What the hell?” Seth’s voice yelled. “What are you doing?”

Whoever the mystery person was didn’t answer. I heard the front door slammed and assumed they had bolted.

“Ugh, don’t let them get away Seth!” I yelled. I could feel my eye swelling already, and the taste of blood swam in my mouth.

“Are you OK? What the hell was she doing?” Seth asked as he gently helped me up.

“She?”

“Yeah, Matt’s girlfriend. Jarren? I thought you two were friends, what the hell was that?”

“Ugh.” I said, gingerly touching my face and the spot on my head with the hair had pulled. “I don’t know. She came over and I told her off… I’m just so sick of her. I mean she’s always been a little crazy, but even this… This is really nuts.”

“I’m calling the police and then we’re taking you to the hospital…”

“You can call the police, but I don’t need a hospital Seth. It’s just a few bruises, I’m fine. She caught me by total surprise… I wish I could have gotten a shot in on her.” I wasn’t a hardcore fighter, and because of my job with kids… Well, I couldn’t go around threatening to kick peoples asses or anything like that. But, thanks to self defense classes my Dad made me take, I could handle my own if the situation called for it. The attack had blindsided me though, and I didn’t have a chance in hell of responding.

Suddenly, the whole situation hit me. Jarren had gotten angry. She had jumped me. She had never done anything like that, but she did this time, and if Seth hadn’t come over…

Would she have stopped? I mean I don’t think she would have tried to kill me or something… But I also didn’t think she’s jump me either. Would she have stopped? What the hell was wrong with her anyway?

I got up and walked to the bathroom to access the damages. They weren’t really that bad. My eye was puffy and red, I’d have a shiner by morning. My lip was split and swollen. That was pretty much it. Certain parts of my face and head felt tender to the touch, but she hadn’t gotten in many good punches before Seth came in
.
Again, a chill ran through me. What would happen if he hadn’t come in?

Seth walked into the bathroom, and gently wrapped his arms around me from behind.

“You really OK hon?” He asked, gently kissing the side of my head.

“I don’t know…” I said, my own voice shaking. “I just… It didn’t occur to me that it was her, ya know? I mean yeah, that was the most logical conclusion, but she’s never acted like that before. She’s assaulted me verbally before… But never physically. I just didn’t think… And now all I can think is what she would have done if you haven’t come in? I mean I don’t think anything… But then again, I just didn’t think…” I wasn’t making much sense. I knew that. But Seth nodded anyway.

“Let’s get you dressed. The police are on their way, OK?”

I nodded, and Seth gently helped me into an oversized tee shirt that I actually think belonged to Matt and had gotten mixed in with my clothes, and a pair of sweatpants. I looked awful, but who cared, right?

The whole situation was surreal as I was being questioned by the police. They took pictures of my face, asked me what happened a million times, and ask for a description of Jarren. The more I told the story though, the calmer I became. Of course, I was, until my Dad showed up.

“Ella!” He called, coming in the house. He found me quickly in the living room, and his eyes grew wide at the sight of my face. “What the hell Ella?” Then he noticed Seth. “Did you…” He questioned, advancing on Seth.

“No Daddy. That’s my boyfriend… Seth. Seth, this is my Dad.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. McLean. I wish it were under better circumstances…” Seth trailed off as my Dad glared at him.

“Who did this?”

“Jarren. Believe it or not.” I said. The look on my Dad’s face told me he didn’t believe me.

“Can I talk to my daughter, alone?” He asked, glancing at Seth and the police officers.

“Sure. We’re about done here.” One of the officers said. “Seth, we have a few more questions for you…” And with that, they exited the room.

“Ella… Jarren did do this, did she?”

“Oh Dad.” I said, laughing. Then I winced as my split lip throbbed. “I know. It sounds insane, doesn’t it? I mean Jarren’s always been a little off, but I wouldn’t think she’d snap like that either. I dunno, she was just so angry… We had an argument and when I told her I didn’t want to be her friend anymore… I turned away, and she grabbed me from behind. My first thought wasn’t that it was her even. But Seth got her off of me and saw her run away.”

“I mean that’s awfully convenient, isn’t it Ella? For him to just show up?”

“Dad… We had a date. I knew he was coming over. He has no reason to want to hurt me. And it would be totally odd if he landed a few blows and then stopped for no reason. I mean this isn’t some lifetime movie…”

“I know… I know.” He said, sitting down next to me. “It’s just hard to believe that someone we welcomed into our home, could do this to you…” He said, gingerly touching my cheek.

I shrugged. “Again, you and Mom both told me that Jarren was jealous of me. I guess she finally went over the edge.” I paused for a moment. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“Your Mom made some meatballs. She wanted me to bring them to you… I tried to call…”

“Yeah.” I said, smiling a half smile, leaving the bad side of my lip turned down. “We’ve been a little busy over here.”

“I’ll say. So… That’s the new beau huh? Will he be spending the night?”

“Dad…” I whined.

“I just don’t like the idea of you out her by yourself, Jarren could come back. If he’s not staying I want you to come stay with me and Mom… Tomorrow I’ll come out here and install some flood lights and an alarm… I should have done that awhile back, when your car got vandalized.”

“Daddy, I don’t think she’ll be back. She probably realizes how much trouble she’s in now. Jarren’s nuts, but she’s not stupid. She’s probably trying to figure out how to get out of this whole thing.”

“I still would feel better…”

“I know Daddy.” I said, kissing him on the cheek, even though it hurt. “You can install all the gadgets you want. And I’ll ask Seth to spend the night. I’m sure he will. I’d feel better having someone here too. But, Matt will be home later too… So even if Seth doesn’t stay, I won’t be alone.”

“Alright. Well. I better get back to your Mom. I’ll be over tomorrow, bright and early, so don’t be surprised. “

“Alright, well… I’ll probably be at work anyway. Don’t let Mom freak out.”

“Ella, you can honestly go to work. Have you seen yourself? You should stay home and rest.”

“Dad, we’re not getting into this. I have to go to work. It’s a busy time, and I’ve already taken time off, and I’m taking vacation over spring break to go… So, it’s settled. I’m going. I’ll probably hole up in my office all day doing paperwork, it’s no big deal. Go home, OK? I gotta make sure you didn’t scare my boyfriend away.”

“Ha.” Dad said. “If only it were that easy.” He studied me for a moment, and I knew he was worried. I had always been a little bit closer to my Dad than my Mom. He babied me sometimes, but I didn’t resent it like I tended to do when my Mom babied me.

“Daddy, I’m fine. Promise. It’s just like in second grade when I fell off my bike?”

“When you knocked your tooth out? That was an adventure.”

“Becca searched that alley for hours, searching for my tooth. She felt so bad.”

“Well. It was her bike you were riding. And you two were racing… It kind of was her fault.”

I laughed. “Daddy, I’m the one who fell. It’s not like she pushed me or anything. But anyway, it’s just like that. I’m a little scraped up, but no real damage done. I’m sure my face will heal. Maybe it’ll even look better.”

“Not possible.” Seth said, walking back into the room. “Again, Mr. McLean, I’m so sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.”

“Yeah. Me too. I’m just glad you were here… Watch out for her, OK?” Dad asked, looking Seth in the eye.

“Sure thing.” He said.

My Dad stood, and put out his hand. Seth shook it. He turned and gave me a hug.

“The meatballs are on the table by the door. Get them in the fridge before they go bad. OK?”

“Alright Daddy. Tell Mom I’m fine. Don’t exaggerate. I don’t need her flying over here to see me herself tonight, OK?”

“Fine. But I’m not making any promises about keeping her at home. You know how your Mother is…”

“Yeah. I know.” I said, nodding.

Seth and I walked him to the front door and watched as he drove away.

“Well. I’m glad that’s over.” Seth said.

“Yeah, well. It’s not over yet. When Matt gets home I’m going to have to explain the whole thing to him all over again.”

Just wanted to say...

I know some of you say I complain too much, so I wanted to make it a point to write about when something awesome happens. And today? Was pretty awesome.

Hubby let me sleep in, made breakfast, and my Mom came over, along with my sister and her fiance. We eat, and hubby let me go back to bed, where I got to read!!! I got chocolate covered strawberries from Cayden, and from my hubby he's going to take me to get a gender identification ultrasound at the 3d place (which means we can find out early!)

Then I got out to dinner with my in laws. Now, I'm only telling you this because a few of you expressed that you like to hear my Mother in law is crazy stories... She's been SO good lately, but today? She was just uber bitch. Not really to me, but she was complaining about the service at the place we ate at (Which, was slow. But the place? Was SLAMMED. I mean seriously... They ran out of silverware and cups! We had to wait for some to be washed!) Then I think she got jealous because my Father in law and I ordered the same type of crab... King Crab (which, was DELICIOUS. I hate most seafood except shellfish it seems, and I love me some crab. Obviously, I don't get to eat it a ton, because it's expensive, and now I have to watch how much I eat since I'm pregnant. But so good.) Well she got crab too... But it was Dunegoness (I spelled that wrong) Anyway, we're at her favorite place to eat, we've ordered there 10 million times, she KNOWS the king crab is bigger. But, I think she got mad that ours was bigger than hers. She ate her whole crab and then started complaining about how small it was and how it wasn't very good. She ordered another one... I think she thought because of her complaining that she would get it for free. But when the check came, they charged her for it. Which, she of course was outraged about. But it's like... What do you want? I see if you took a couple of bites and sent it back, getting mad if they charged you, but you ate the WHOLE thing.

It didn't help that the night before? They went out to eat at Eddie Merlots, this really expensive, really NICE steakhouse. My husband went once because his work paid for him to go, but he's always wanted to go together. Anyway, I tasted some of his steak after he brought it home, and it was cold, but seriously? BEST steak I've ever eaten.

My MIL? HATES this place. My husband was shocked (I wasn't) She sent TWO steaks back, and ended up not eating anything. She got dessert for free, as well as my FIL's meal free, and next time she comes in? She gets their most expensive steak, personally made by the owner, free. But she's still saying she won't go back, or if she does she won't eat any steak. It's crazy. I hate going out with them the majority of the time, because not only do they eat super slow, they're pains in the asses when it comes to food and ordering. My MIL has NEVER ordered a steak that she's liked, so I dunno why she keeps doing it. If it's the LEAST bit pink she says it's bloody, and then anything else? Is burnt and overdone. So if you're a waitress/waiter in Ohio, and you see me come in with them, I apologize in advance!

Still, even though MIL was snapping at my FIL the whole time we ate, the meal? Was SO good. Even my hubby said the crab was better than normal. And it was free, which makes it even better :-)

Then hubby and I went and got Jeni's, this gourmet ice cream. If you come to Columbus? Go. It's amazing. I got some cute pictures of a sleepy Cayden eating ice cream:











Basically, even though I felt a little sick today, and a little tired, I'm so glad to be a Mom. It was a fantastic day, and I'm about to go cuddle on the couch with my hubby and eat my strawberries :-)

What about you Momma's? You have a good day? And for those who aren't Momma's yet... How'd you spend it?

Happy Mother's Day to all my Mama's!

Hey guys-

Just checking in (It's OK I'm writing this, right? I mean I have Monday's post all set, so don't scold me for not doing my homework, haha!)

Anyway, hubby and I spent today getting Mother's day stuff done. We had already bought gifts luckily (My Mother in law collects perfume bottles, so we got some on sale after Christmas. My Mom collects Angel stuff, and we also got some figurines after Christmas for her) But we had to get cards, wrapping paper, ect. Plus, since Cayden was born I like to have him "make" something from him. Last year we got these wooden heart plaques and put his hand and footprint on them (we originally tried to do it in plaster... It didn't end well.) This year I was stumped. I didn't want to repeat the same thing again, but I didn't know what else he could really do, being so small. I googled some stuff last minute and found an ADORABLE idea for turning a baby shoe into a planter... And since Cayden has been growing out of shoes in the blink of an eye, we have tons of those. So we used one of his first pairs and planted flowers in them, combined with this poem I wrote (that is cheesy, but it's a mother's day poem, so cut me some slack, alright!):

Little by little
But every day
I’m getting bigger
In every way
Smiling, laughing
Crawling and walking
I’m even doing
A little talking!
I know at times
It’s hard to remember
Just how little I was
That September
So here’s a reminder
On this Mother’s Day
Tiny shoes
I wore yesterday
I planted these flowers
In a shoe I once wore
I’m just too big
To wear them anymore!
So when I am grown
Bigger and taller
You’ll look at this
And remember when I was smaller!

Anyway, I'm SUPER excited to give it to our Mom's. I think it'll be really neat, and I think they'll like them a lot.

Jeremy took Cayden to buy my gift this morning. I kept hounding him to tell me what I got (I love surprises, but if you tell me I'm getting a surprise? I just can't wait for it!) But he kept saying "I have no idea what he got you, I gave him some money and sent him into the store by himself." to which I joked back "Great, that means I'm getting an Elmo" cuz that's Cayden's current obsession (he can seriously spot any Elmo from miles away. It's impressive, and leads me to believe that Elmo sprinkles crack dust on little kids.)

Anyway, I digress.. My whole point of this post is, I wanted to take time to wish all my Mama's who read a very happy Mother's Day. I know I have single Moms who may not have someone to help their child get them a gift, and I know I have Mom's with husbands who are too stupid to show their appreciation... But I want you to know that I know just how hard your job is, and I appreciate what you do... Try, if at all possible, to take a moment for yourself. And all my first time Moms-to-be, please know that Motherhood does NOT begin at birth. From the moment you conceive you give up your body (and at times your life, lol) to protect your child. You're the one who gives them everything they need to grow, so a Happy Mother's Day to you as well!

Jarren: We bout to throw them bows

I sat around my apartment, sulking. It had been a late night the night before, and Matt had busted in early this morning. I was tired, pissed off, and had a headache. To make matters worse, it didn’t seem like anyone was going to answer my texts. At least not Ella. That pissed me off even more. She had said she wanted to make amends, said she wanted to try again and be friends, but she not only introduced me to Matt, but then completely ignored me when he dumped me. For no reason! A true friend would have been over with doughnuts and coffee to watch bad romance movies and bitch about how all guys were dirtbags, but Ella was off… Doing what? Probably hanging out with Matt. Or her own wonder boyfriend.
I thought about calling Greg, to see if he wanted to hang out, but I wasn’t really in the mood for that. He’d ask me why I was all bummed out, and I’d have to tell him about Matt. He didn’t know I was seeing anyone. I had told him I wasn’t sure I wanted to get back together with him. That was the truth, partially. I liked Greg, but he ran off too quickly, touring the country doing his stupid comedy shows. And a kid? I wasn’t Mommy type. At least to other people’s children. Maybe someday I’d have one of my own…
But anyway. Matt was a good enough guy, but when Greg came back spouting off about how he was sorry he had left like that, and he felt really badly about how I ended things… Well, I had to give him another chance. Maybe I pushed it too far, telling Matt that Greg was a physco. It’s just that Matt had been getting so jealous lately, and I didn’t want him getting suspicious. I just wanted to figure out which guy was right for me. How was that so wrong? I just wanted to be sure of who I was with, and really that was the best thing for all parties involved, right?
I still knew I couldn’t explain it like that to Ella. She was Miss. Always Right. In her eyes, I would be acting selfish. Maybe I was, but in my opinion, Ella could stand to be a little selfish herself. Maybe then she wouldn’t be with Seth. Maybe she’d be with Drew too, and maybe then she’d finally figure out who was the right guy for her.
Whatever. Ella would never listen to any advice I ever gave her, because I was just her fuck up friend.
I glanced at the clock, and sighed. I should be getting ready for work right now. I didn’t feel like going. It had been a late night last night, and then a rough morning. I knew I should go… I was down to part time… My Dad had told me that if I looked at going back to school, he’d let me cut back to part time and help me out bill wise. He was starting to push me into actually going, but I knew I had a few more months before I actually had to put in some applications. I picked up the phone and dialed in work… I knew my Dad would spot me a twenty to get me through…

Of course, calling off work meant I had nothing else to do for the day. I really wished Ella would call me back. I decided if she wasn’t going to call me back I would just head on over there… See if maybe she wanted to do some shopping. I realized I may run into Matt, but hey, that wasn’t my problem. Ella was my friend first, just because they lived together doesn’t mean I was going to avoid my best friends house. I showered and changed and got in my car before I could change my mind.
Matt’s car wasn’t in the driveway when I pulled up, but Ella’s was. I was actually disappointed that Matt wasn’t there. I had gotten a little dressed up for him… I wondered if he regretted breaking up with me yet.
I knocked on the door, and when Ella didn’t answer, I tried the knob. It turned, and I let myself in. I heard the shower running, and then stop, I made my way back to Ella’s room.
“Jesus!” Ella said, jumping as she emerged from the bathroom. She hugged her towel around her tighter.
“I tried calling you.”
“I know. I went over to Toni’s to visit. I haven’t seen her in forever.”
“You haven’t seen me in awhile either, Ella. And my boyfriend just dumped me. I thought you’d be there for me.”
“I’m sorry Jarren, I’ve just had an awful lot going on myself right now.”
“You ALWAYS have stuff going on.” I said. I was coming across more defensive than I meant too. I didn’t want to come over to fight, even though I was pissed off at how Ella was acting.
“Jarren…” Ella started.
“No. I’m sorry. That came out wrong. I mean you are busy an awful lot El. I know you have things to do, but I dunno… I’m feeling a little hurt over the Matt thing… I thought maybe you could take some time… We could do a girls thing?”
“Oh cut the crap Jarren!” Ella snapped.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, confused.
“Look, I wasn’t going to say anything. I was going to let it go. But I can’t anymore. You? Playing the victim? Really is such bullshit. Matt didn’t want to tell you the real reason he dumped you, he didn’t want to drag me into the middle of it. But I saw you Jarren.”
“Saw me what?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.
“Seth and I were at that carnival last night. YOU were supposed to be out with friends. Instead you were out with Greg.”
“Oh, jealous much?” I asked, laughing. “Greg’s my friend. We were hanging out.”
“Really, Jar? We’re going to pull the I’m jealous card again? That’s really getting old. Just because I don’t like or agree with what you do does NOT make my jealous. You know what you did wrong. The whole drama with Greg being crazy? Dragging Matt over there to rescue you, putting on this big show, making him feel BAD for you? And then you turn right around and go out with Greg. You not only lied about who you were going out with, you lied about all the drama with Greg, and you lied when you said you’d never see him again.”
“Matt was so jealous of Greg Ella. I didn’t want to be told who I could and couldn’t be friends with, but I also wanted to respect his wishes. What he doesn’t know, doesn’t hurt him.”
Ella laughed. “Jarren are you really that stupid? God. It’s not even stupidity… It’s selfishness. You know DAMN well that if Matt hung out with another girl, you would be LIVID.”
“He hangs out with you ALL the time!” I shouted back.
“You know what I mean, Jarren. If Matt had told you he wasn’t hanging with a girl, and then you found out he did it, you would never let him live it down. You’d be playing the part of the heartbroken and betrayed. Well, newsflash, when you are the one who breaks hearts and betray’s someone? You cannot play victim anymore.”
“Why not? You’re still doing it.” I shot back.
“How am I doing it?”
“The whole Drew thing? It’s clear you still want him Ella. It’s clear you’re pissed off that he has another girlfriend. Meanwhile, YOU’RE the reason you two broke up, and YOU have another boyfriend. If you’re telling me it’s not fair to play the field, then you are a hypocrite.”
“Jarren, I’m not doing this anymore. It’s obvious that you just don’t care about anyone but yourself. You’re selfish, self centered, and manipulative. You try to compare situations that cannot be compared. The fact of the matter is, what you did was wrong. YOU hurt MATT, not the other way around. And if you ended up being hurt that he broke up with you… Well, you have no one but to blame but youself. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I don’t want you to call me, email me, come by the house. I want you to leave me the hell alone. And if you need to tell all your friends that I’m some sort of crazy selfish jealous bitch to make yourself look and feel better… Well, go right ahead. I really do hope that some day, Jarren, that you get your shit in order. But, I can’t wait around anymore for that to happen. Please, leave.” She turned around and headed back to her bathroom.

I tried to help myself. I really did. I felt the anger bubbling up in my chest. I had been friends with Ella for years, and she always had to be the self-righteous one, the better one. She was the one with all the guys, all the friends, the good job, the life… I was so sick of it, so sick of her. How the hell could she judge me when she had no idea what I’d been through? What it was like to be me?

It was like my hand had a mind of it’s own when it reached up and grabbed a handful of her wet hair…

Here's another rant for you

I realize this is going to make me come across as all the things lately I've been accused of... Self pitying, playing victim... Whatever the hell you want to call it.

I know some people are pissed off that I've been ranting and not posting. But here's the thing. My "rants"? Take about five minutes to write. I know what I'm going to say, and it seriously does not take that much time to write them. Writing the blog on the other hand? Can take me hours, and usually at least an hour. I know, that may not seem like a lot of time, but when you have laundry, dishes, cleaning, vacuuming, as well as a 19 month old who demands your attention and only naps for about an hour to two hours a day... Well, an hour of my time is a HUGE chunk. Not to mention, people complain about not knowing what to write just because they don't know what to do next. How do you think it feels to worrying about a million and one different things and try to write? I rant to try to get it off my mind so I can go back and focus on other things. Whether that be my son, my husband, my family, or what comes next with Seth and Ella and Drew and Jason.

I come here to rant because I don't have anyone else to rant too. My husband is worried enough about everything that's going on, and I cannot and will not make him feel worse when I know he's trying SO hard. My husband and I fight, and he's not perfect, but he is trying so hard, and I know he feels so guilty about getting laid off. It wasn't his fault and I'm not going to let him know just how worried I am. My best friend? Doesn't want me to be pregnant. I can't talk to her about it, or money issues, because all she's going to do is tell me I told you so, and probably suggest that we not have this baby. My other best friend lives MANY miles away in Memphis, and wants a baby of her own so badly that I feel HORRIBLE for even saying I'm worried about how this is all going to go when I'm lucky enough to get pregnant.

Point blank: Whether you think I'm a cry baby, or a whiner, ungrateful, or playing a victim, that's your opinion, and you are allowed to it. Everyone is allowed to think and feel however they want too. But MY opinion? Is that I'm dealing with an AWFUL lot right now. It could be worse, much worse, I know that. No matter how bad it gets, it can ALWAYS get worse. But it doesn't lessen the load I'm carrying right now. I can't say it's more or less than whatever load your carrying. I don't know that. I know I had a reader who posted who is going through more than I am right now. You can NEVER compare someone's life to someone else's and say "Well I have it worse" because it doesn't WORK that way. Someone's mountain is another person's molehill, and what I've been trying to say all along is that I am dealing with my mountain right now. You can look at it and see a molehill, or even an anthill if you want. But it's my blog and if I want to spend every day coming here and complaining that is my right, and if you have a problem with that, it's easy to solve. Don't come back.

For those of you who have been understanding, PLEASE know this was not directed to you at ALL. I've just gotten some emails and read some things on other people's blogs and I am pissed off. Because I think people who have no idea what's going on, shouldn't judge. Shouldn't talk shit. However, I do realize the same could be said about me, and I apologize for that as well. The whole book deal thing? Again, that shouldn't matter to me. It was none of my business, and as stupid as I think it is... Well, that doesn't mean that it isn't important to someone else, that it isn't their dream, and I shouldn't have dogged that. It was wrong of me, I was wrong, and again, I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget that just because it isn't the way I would do it doesn't mean that it isn't the wrong way.

The blog will continue mainly on a Monday-Friday schedule. There may be three page rants thrown in. I may choose not to share my personal life anymore. I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to keep my mouth shut about other blogs: They have the right to run it however they want, and I can only hope that other blogs keep their mouth shut about mine.

Whatever Wednesday: I apologize in advance if I bite your head off

Lately, it seems like I am sick of a lot of things. I'm sick of being tired, I'm sick of feeling sick, I am sick of waiting for things to happen. I'm sick of my friends, I'm sick of being crabby, I'm sick of complaining...

But really, complaining is all I ever want to do anymore. And even that, is getting on my last nerve.

With my son, we got pregnant SO easily. We talked about being pregnant, and suddenly I was knocked up. With this little Sprout, it took much longer. We actually had to try. With my son I was the same negative Nancy I am now. I told myself, with this one, it will be different... I mean, this one took much longer to happen, so while I hesitate to say that I wanted it more (that makes it sound like I want this baby more than my son, and that's not true.) I will say that I... Appreciate it more. Or at least I should. But I don't. I feel horrible for being so ungrateful, as I told myself that I would put up with anything just to be pregnant again, but all I feel myself doing is dwelling on the bad stuff. Plus, I want to pick a fight with EVERYONE. Lately I've been feeling so damn mean, it's like, I just want to snap and everyone for everything they do. It's hard keeping it in check, and I'm honestly super afraid that one of these days I'm going to snap.

It'll be interesting, to say the least.

It's just been another bad week. It shouldn't have been, the sun is shining and it's finally gorgeous outside. Not too hot, not too cold. But even that pisses me off because it's finally gorgeous outside and we're stuck inside all day because I can't motivate myself to move off the couch unless it's to go to the bathroom to puke. Fun times. Then I found out my son's crib's been recalled. I was planning on moving him to a toddler bed, but not yet, because he's not quite ready. I was hoping to get a new toddler bed for him and then the baby could have his crib. Toddler beds are cheaper and it would be a good way to save money, but we were going to hold off a little longer, because as I said, I don't think he's ready yet, and I wanted to make sure he was ready before we bought a bed. Well, now I either have to buy two cribs, or a crib and a toddler bed, because apparently what he's sleeping in now is a death trap. Only we don't have the money for a crib. So I have no idea what to do. I'm going to borrow my Mom's toddler bed and see how he does, but if it doesn't go well? We're screwed. And I still need a new crib.

Then it seems like all these blogs are going off in search of book deals, and that aggrivates me too. It shouldn't, it's really none of my business and doesn't have anything to do with me at all, but I find it annoying. Do I wish this blog could be a book? Sure. I like writing it. It would be AWESOME to make money off something that not only I like doing, but I do at home so I can still take care of my kids. But am I going to shut down production to go search for some elusive agent or editor? No. Maybe it's my lack of ambition, and maybe I'm just jealous that everyone else is willing to try when I'm not. I don't know. I just feel like it's a snub to the people who do read you. Like, oh, let me shut this down when you've been reading it all along to go do something that's probably not going to happen anyway. Again, maybe it's just me. Maybe I just don't think my stuff is good enough (and for the record, I don't think this blog is good enough to be a book. And the only blog I've come across that I do think was good enough to be a book was Utopia.) But it's just annoying to me.

Oh. Man. See? I'm just a bitch lately. I mean is it really just me? I mean, how do you guys feel about blog-turn-book-deals?

Alright, some good news... It's almost time for another ultrasound! At least I think. I have my first doctors appointment on the 11th, and when I went in when I was pregnant with Cayden, they gave me an ultrasound, so I'm hoping for a repeat! If it happens and I get pictures, I'll be sure to show you guys.

I've been thinking when it gets closer to the big gender ultrasound (which, I may be going in earlier than 20 weeks. I think hubby is getting me the gender id at the 3d ultrasound place for mother's day. I can go in at 15 weeks) I'd do a poll to see how many people think it's a boy, and how many people think it's a girl. Just for shits and giggles. I want to think girl, but I'm so scared to get my hopes up, so I'm trying to tell myself boy. Hubby says girl, and he was right last time, so, we'll see. We also have our girls name picked out, but no boy's name yet, and we had the opposite problem for Cayden. (Anyone got any boy's name ideas? Everything I like rhymes with Cayden. Like Aiden, Brayden... I also really like Elijah, but hubby hates it for some weird reason.)

And today is my hubby's birthday! So happy birthday to him!

New Post Below

Sorry it's a little later than normal. I wrote most of it last night and only had like a paragraph to write this morning. I thought I could bang it out and have it up at normal time, only I just need to give up on trying to get stuff done last minute and plan ahead, cuz something always seems to pop up.

What popped up this time is hubby couldn't sleep, so he was watching TV, and that made it really hard for me to fall asleep, so this morning I was super tired. But it's up and it's here now, and I PROMISE you with the new schedule there will be no more late posts.

Just remember, it's only Monday and Friday with a possibility of a Whatever Wednesday. I know the story will move a little more slowly with so few posts, but I'm hoping it's a temporary thing until this morning sickness quits.

Ain't got no time for no haters just live your life

I left Toni’s feeling a little dejected. I thought my feelings for Seth were genuine, but to have someone else shake my foundation made me a little uneasy. And if that’s all it took to make me feel uncomfortable? Well… How real could my feelings be then?

I thought I liked Seth. Hell, I thought I was in love with him. If I wrote down a list of all the characteristics that I found attractive in a guy? Seth would have all those, and probably a few more that I hadn’t even thought of. He really was the perfect guy, and I was lucky to have him. But is that the only reason I had feelings for him? Because I knew I was lucky to have found someone like him?

And was it so wrong that things were easy? What, to be truly in love I had to have this drama filled relationship and be “tested” every two seconds? I had that with Jason, it didn’t work out. Had it with Jacob, didn’t work out, went through it with Drew, and surprise surprise! It didn’t work either. Maybe sometimes things were just easy. Why did a person need to be challenged to appreciate what they have, or to know it’s real? Maybe I could just take my past experiences and realize a good man when I had one.

I knew in my heart I was right, but I still didn’t feel much better. I knew Toni was just trying to be a good friend, by pointing out her fears and supporting me in the choices I made, but still, I just wish she would stop raining on my parade.

I entered the house in a foul mood. Jarren brought my down and I felt like Toni kicked me while I was down. Matt wasn’t home, and for that I was relieved. I didn’t want to have to put on a happy face when I felt so lousy, but I knew in the end, I was the one who needed to be there for him. I was relieved to strip down to a wife beater and boxers and just lay on the couch, basking in self pity an annoyance. Everyone was pissing me off. It was just one of those days where everything seemed to be going wrong, and I just wanted to either be alone, or be able to snap and bite everyone’s head off.

I almost didn’t answer my phone when it rang. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, and I didn’t feel like fighting with anyone. But when I glanced and saw Jason’s name on the caller ID, I just couldn’t answer. He still had a pull on me, and he probably always would.

“Hey.” I answered. “You’re calling early.” I said, glancing at the clock. It was about ten in the morning there, which for most not too early, but Jason usually spent his weekends unwinding. Meaning drinking. He usually wasn’t up until early afternoon.

“I know, I’m trying to be good. I’m getting too old for partying.” Despite my mood, I had to smile.

“Yeah, you are getting up there in age.” I joked.

“You’re not too far behind me Missy.” He cracked back. “So what’s going on?”

“You called me, what’s going on with you?”

“Nothing. Just woke up and you were on my mind. You sound sad. Something happened?”

I sighed deeply. “I caught Jarren cheating on Matt. Well, maybe cheating. It’s a long story, but there was some drama, and she said she was never hanging out with this guy again. Then she lied to Matt, said she was hanging out with friends and went out with him. Anyway, I’m just sick of Jarren and her stuff. I told Matt, Matt broke up with her but didn’t tell her why, so now she’s bugging me, and I don’t know whether I should just spill the beans and cut her off or suck it up and try to deal with it.”

“Well, if you don’t want to be friends with her anymore, why would you ‘suck it up and deal with it’?”

“Because, I dunno. I just feel like I kind of owe to Matt. He didn’t tell her why he was breaking up with her to try to keep me out of trouble, and I mean… It probably would have been easier for him to go off on her for being a liar. Now she’s playing the victim card… And then I know it’s going to come with a fight and I just don’t wanna deal with that anymore.”

“I mean as mean as this may sound, Ella, if you don’t want to be her friend anymore, put on your big girl panties and cut her off. You’re not in high school anymore. Jarren’s never been a good friend to you, so why are you so worried? Tell her you don’t want to be friends, give her a reason or don’t and then cut her off. If she harasses you after, then call the police and get a restraining order. I mean it may sound drastic, but you don’t have to put up with her crap. It’s your life. Live it.”

“Yeah…” I answered, biting a nail.

“Alright, McLean, what else is going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“I can hear it in your voice. You’ve got your sourpuss face on.”

I hesitated for a moment, and then thought the hell with it. Jason used to be my go-to for guy advice. Then it turned into Drew. I guess the cycle could be completed now and it could go back to Jason.

“Seth dropped the L bomb, and I said it back.”

“Well… I mean that sounds like a good thing…” He trailed off, and I paused, reading his voice to see if maybe this was too much for him. His tone had been even, so I felt safe to continue.

“Well… If you had asked me before hand, I would have told you I wasn’t ready. But, that moment was so perfect… And it just slipped out. Not in a ‘I feel forced’ way, but in a… Natural way.”

“Again, Ella, all I’m hearing is good things.”

“Well I talked to Toni about it and she’s wondering if maybe I’m just with Seth because things are easy and he’s a good guy. If maybe I think I’m in love because I know I should be.”

Now it was Jason’s turn to sigh. “Look, El, I know you love Toni, and sometimes she does give you the advice you need to hear, but sometimes… She just needs to keep her mouth closed. She constantly preaches you to live your own life, but then gets mad when it doesn’t go the way she dictates. She wants you with Drew. She’s going to find fault with anyone who is not Drew.”

“You think?”

“She’s a strong woman. She likes to get her way. Sometimes I just think she needs to back off a little. However, I do have to question your feelings… I mean, it may not be my place to say, and I may come off as having ulterior motives… But Ella, everyone told you not to hold on to me, to let go… And you never waivered. You held on to me and your feelings until I got married… Heck, even passed my marriage. And now, one person says one thing, and you’re doubting everything. I don’t know if you have real feelings for Seth or not. Only you can answer that question. But I know by how wobbly you seem on the subject, that you need to take a good long hard look at how you feel. If you have feelings for him, then don’t let anyone else tell you differently. And if you don’t… Well, don’t be bullied into forcing feelings for someone because he’s a good guy. There are plenty of good guys out there, but unfortunately we can’t help who we fall in love with. If we could, I would be with Kayla still.”

“Wow, Jay, you’re growing up right before my very eyes.”

“I know. I’m getting all mature and stuff. It’s kind of scary.” He said, laughing.

“Oh Jas. Maybe I should just pack it all up and move away. Forget everything and start all over.”

“Some place sunny, like Cali maybe?” He joked.

“I’m being serious! Don’t you ever wish you could start over?”

He was quiet for a moment. “I mean, sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could pull a do-over card. But if you mean start over in the sense of moving away and leaving everything and everyone behind… No. I could never do that. I mean everyone and everything in my past has made me who I am, and if I forget that… Well, it’s like I forget myself.”

“Wow. You really are growing up. And now it’s kind of scaring me.” I joked back.

Jason and I talked a little bit more about various things, and I felt my poor mood lifted. I realized just how much I missed having a guy best friend, and I was glad to have Jason back in my life. I was also starting to see a real change in him, and once again, a little voice inside me wondered if it was really over for us. Or, if someday…

I got off the phone with Jason and decided to call Seth and see if he wanted to meet for a low key dinner. I wasn’t sure yet if I really loved him, but I knew that I felt like I did. I knew that I enjoyed spending time with him, and I knew he treated me right, so I would continue to enjoy that until I didn’t anymore.