Ain't got no time for no haters just live your life

I left Toni’s feeling a little dejected. I thought my feelings for Seth were genuine, but to have someone else shake my foundation made me a little uneasy. And if that’s all it took to make me feel uncomfortable? Well… How real could my feelings be then?

I thought I liked Seth. Hell, I thought I was in love with him. If I wrote down a list of all the characteristics that I found attractive in a guy? Seth would have all those, and probably a few more that I hadn’t even thought of. He really was the perfect guy, and I was lucky to have him. But is that the only reason I had feelings for him? Because I knew I was lucky to have found someone like him?

And was it so wrong that things were easy? What, to be truly in love I had to have this drama filled relationship and be “tested” every two seconds? I had that with Jason, it didn’t work out. Had it with Jacob, didn’t work out, went through it with Drew, and surprise surprise! It didn’t work either. Maybe sometimes things were just easy. Why did a person need to be challenged to appreciate what they have, or to know it’s real? Maybe I could just take my past experiences and realize a good man when I had one.

I knew in my heart I was right, but I still didn’t feel much better. I knew Toni was just trying to be a good friend, by pointing out her fears and supporting me in the choices I made, but still, I just wish she would stop raining on my parade.

I entered the house in a foul mood. Jarren brought my down and I felt like Toni kicked me while I was down. Matt wasn’t home, and for that I was relieved. I didn’t want to have to put on a happy face when I felt so lousy, but I knew in the end, I was the one who needed to be there for him. I was relieved to strip down to a wife beater and boxers and just lay on the couch, basking in self pity an annoyance. Everyone was pissing me off. It was just one of those days where everything seemed to be going wrong, and I just wanted to either be alone, or be able to snap and bite everyone’s head off.

I almost didn’t answer my phone when it rang. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, and I didn’t feel like fighting with anyone. But when I glanced and saw Jason’s name on the caller ID, I just couldn’t answer. He still had a pull on me, and he probably always would.

“Hey.” I answered. “You’re calling early.” I said, glancing at the clock. It was about ten in the morning there, which for most not too early, but Jason usually spent his weekends unwinding. Meaning drinking. He usually wasn’t up until early afternoon.

“I know, I’m trying to be good. I’m getting too old for partying.” Despite my mood, I had to smile.

“Yeah, you are getting up there in age.” I joked.

“You’re not too far behind me Missy.” He cracked back. “So what’s going on?”

“You called me, what’s going on with you?”

“Nothing. Just woke up and you were on my mind. You sound sad. Something happened?”

I sighed deeply. “I caught Jarren cheating on Matt. Well, maybe cheating. It’s a long story, but there was some drama, and she said she was never hanging out with this guy again. Then she lied to Matt, said she was hanging out with friends and went out with him. Anyway, I’m just sick of Jarren and her stuff. I told Matt, Matt broke up with her but didn’t tell her why, so now she’s bugging me, and I don’t know whether I should just spill the beans and cut her off or suck it up and try to deal with it.”

“Well, if you don’t want to be friends with her anymore, why would you ‘suck it up and deal with it’?”

“Because, I dunno. I just feel like I kind of owe to Matt. He didn’t tell her why he was breaking up with her to try to keep me out of trouble, and I mean… It probably would have been easier for him to go off on her for being a liar. Now she’s playing the victim card… And then I know it’s going to come with a fight and I just don’t wanna deal with that anymore.”

“I mean as mean as this may sound, Ella, if you don’t want to be her friend anymore, put on your big girl panties and cut her off. You’re not in high school anymore. Jarren’s never been a good friend to you, so why are you so worried? Tell her you don’t want to be friends, give her a reason or don’t and then cut her off. If she harasses you after, then call the police and get a restraining order. I mean it may sound drastic, but you don’t have to put up with her crap. It’s your life. Live it.”

“Yeah…” I answered, biting a nail.

“Alright, McLean, what else is going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“I can hear it in your voice. You’ve got your sourpuss face on.”

I hesitated for a moment, and then thought the hell with it. Jason used to be my go-to for guy advice. Then it turned into Drew. I guess the cycle could be completed now and it could go back to Jason.

“Seth dropped the L bomb, and I said it back.”

“Well… I mean that sounds like a good thing…” He trailed off, and I paused, reading his voice to see if maybe this was too much for him. His tone had been even, so I felt safe to continue.

“Well… If you had asked me before hand, I would have told you I wasn’t ready. But, that moment was so perfect… And it just slipped out. Not in a ‘I feel forced’ way, but in a… Natural way.”

“Again, Ella, all I’m hearing is good things.”

“Well I talked to Toni about it and she’s wondering if maybe I’m just with Seth because things are easy and he’s a good guy. If maybe I think I’m in love because I know I should be.”

Now it was Jason’s turn to sigh. “Look, El, I know you love Toni, and sometimes she does give you the advice you need to hear, but sometimes… She just needs to keep her mouth closed. She constantly preaches you to live your own life, but then gets mad when it doesn’t go the way she dictates. She wants you with Drew. She’s going to find fault with anyone who is not Drew.”

“You think?”

“She’s a strong woman. She likes to get her way. Sometimes I just think she needs to back off a little. However, I do have to question your feelings… I mean, it may not be my place to say, and I may come off as having ulterior motives… But Ella, everyone told you not to hold on to me, to let go… And you never waivered. You held on to me and your feelings until I got married… Heck, even passed my marriage. And now, one person says one thing, and you’re doubting everything. I don’t know if you have real feelings for Seth or not. Only you can answer that question. But I know by how wobbly you seem on the subject, that you need to take a good long hard look at how you feel. If you have feelings for him, then don’t let anyone else tell you differently. And if you don’t… Well, don’t be bullied into forcing feelings for someone because he’s a good guy. There are plenty of good guys out there, but unfortunately we can’t help who we fall in love with. If we could, I would be with Kayla still.”

“Wow, Jay, you’re growing up right before my very eyes.”

“I know. I’m getting all mature and stuff. It’s kind of scary.” He said, laughing.

“Oh Jas. Maybe I should just pack it all up and move away. Forget everything and start all over.”

“Some place sunny, like Cali maybe?” He joked.

“I’m being serious! Don’t you ever wish you could start over?”

He was quiet for a moment. “I mean, sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could pull a do-over card. But if you mean start over in the sense of moving away and leaving everything and everyone behind… No. I could never do that. I mean everyone and everything in my past has made me who I am, and if I forget that… Well, it’s like I forget myself.”

“Wow. You really are growing up. And now it’s kind of scaring me.” I joked back.

Jason and I talked a little bit more about various things, and I felt my poor mood lifted. I realized just how much I missed having a guy best friend, and I was glad to have Jason back in my life. I was also starting to see a real change in him, and once again, a little voice inside me wondered if it was really over for us. Or, if someday…

I got off the phone with Jason and decided to call Seth and see if he wanted to meet for a low key dinner. I wasn’t sure yet if I really loved him, but I knew that I felt like I did. I knew that I enjoyed spending time with him, and I knew he treated me right, so I would continue to enjoy that until I didn’t anymore.