Toni's POV: Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken

When I got off the phone with Ella, I felt a little guilty. I knew sometimes I could be pretty abrasive with her, but I just didn’t really believe in treating someone with kid gloves. True, you didn’t need to be rude in order to be honest, but sometimes when you were honest people would accuse you of other things, like jealousy or rudeness.

Nick noticed my face when I hung up the phone. “What’s up?” He asked, sitting next to me.

“This whole Ella and Drew thing…”

“Is not your problem.” He said, cutting me off.

“I know, but it’s just…”

“It’s just nothing honey. All you’re doing is causing drama, and you don’t need the stress right now. Besides, it’s none of your business.”

“UGH!” I yelled, throwing down the book. “Do you ever stop to think that all this de-stressment crap is CAUSING me stress? I’m not allowed to move without someone breathing down my neck. I’m tired of being tired, tired of being stuck in this bed. And you know what, it IS my business. She comes to me, and she asks me for advice, and what am I supposed to do?”

“Tones, look.” Nick said, his voice low and calm. “I know this is hard on you. Trust me. I know you’re watching everyone else go on with their lives and you’re just stuck in your bed…”

“How can you know Nick? You’re not the one going through it. You can walk around and do whatever it is you want to do. I either can’t do what I want to do because you’re bugging me not too, or the doctor is telling me I need to rest or I’ll be put on bed rest, and when I finally do find something that I’m allowed to do, I feel too sick or tired to even do it. It’s bullshit, you saying you understand, because you don’t have a fucking clue.” I snapped.

“How the hell did this turn from Ella and Drew to me and you? You’re right, I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, and you’re right, you do bear the brunt of this Toni. But, I’m struggling too. I’m working at working, I’m driving back here to work on the house, I’m taking care of the kids, and I’m dealing with a very hormonal wife…”

“Oh, don’t even go there…” I tried to cut him off.

“Oh yes, yes Toni, I’m going there. I don’t understand why women take hormonal as an insult when you’re pregnant, because guess what? YOU’RE HORMONAL! And if you deny it, then you’re also delusional!
”
“Well I have every reason to be hormonal.” I said, pouting.

“I know. I’m not saying you don’t have a reason to be hormonal.” His voice was calmer now. “But you have to know that just because I know it, doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. You’re here, you’re there, you’re everywhere, all at once. I feel like sometimes I just can’t keep up with you at all.”

“I know. And I’m sorry, but I can’t do anything about it. And then when I think about it, I get even more pissed off. Nick, I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t plan on this, and I mean… I don’t even know if I wanted it.”

“Oh Toni, you don’t mean that.” Nick said, a look of pain crossing his face.

“But I do, and that’s what you’ve got to understand. I barely got used to the fact that we’re having one new child – a surprise none the less – when the curveball got thrown that it was actually TWO surprises. It’s hard for me. I’m jealous of Ella, she’s got so much going on right now, Nick. She’s got a good boyfriend, another guy pining over her, a job she loves, and this… Freedom. I can’t even take a shower without a time limit.”

“But you have a pretty good life too Toni.”

I sighed deeply, knowing that I had hurt he feelings. “I know, Nick. I know. I’m not saying I don’t. I know you love me, I know we are lucky to have two beautifully healthy kids, and I know I’m lucky to even be pregnant, a lot of women don’t get that. But, sometimes I still feel angry about how things are going, or jealous of other people’s lives. I still can’t do what I want to do, and that makes me angry and resentful sometimes. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I can’t help how I feel.”

“I know.” He said, leaning over to kiss my forehead. “We only have a little while longer Toni.”

“It feels like an eternity.” I whined.

We cuddled close together for a moment, and I’ll have to admit, it was nice. The doctor had put me on pelvic rest, which meant no sex. Honestly, that was just fine with me, I had no desire for it, and at times I was so angry at Nick for knocking me up that I was glad I could withhold it. But we hadn’t even cuddled lately, and I realized that it was my fault, I had been so stand offish and cold lately.

“Look, I just think… Maybe the reason I’m harping on Ella so badly is because I want her to get mad at me. I mean I haven’t been too nice to anyone lately, and I just think… Maybe I want everyone to get mad at me and leave me the hell alone. It doesn’t make much sense though, does it? I mean I’m so lonely because all I really get to do anymore is lay in bed by myself, but I’m also just…”

“You’re mad at everyone else. You probably feel like nobody else gets what you’re going through, and therefore you want to push them away… But Toni, if you push people away, you ARE going to be lonely, and then you’re also going to be angry that they’re not around.”

“I know.”

“I think, though, maybe it’s time to get some help…”

“Like what? We tried a sitter, and you saw how well that worked. What are you going to do? Pay someone to spend time with me?”

“No, I mean like some sort of therapy or support group…”

“I do NOT need therapy.” I protested.

“But I think you do… You don’t talk to anyone about what’s going on Toni. I know you consider yourself a strong person, but this situation is very stressful, and I think that part of being strong means you know when to ask for help. You’re not asking for help. You’re taking on everyone elses issues to forget about yours and getting moody and defensive. You can always talk to me, but I don’t think you want too. You said it yourself. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t feel like you can be open and honest with me because you’re too afraid to hurt my feelings. I think someone on the outside of all of this will help. You can be open and honest and know that they’re giving you an unbiased opinion.”

“I don’t know…” I grumbled. I was never one for that touchy feely crap. Therapy had been suggested to me after my Dad died, and while I went a few times, I could never really get into it. The therapist was just too hokey.

“Just… Let me talk to some people. See what I can find. Go a couple of times, and if you don’t like it… Well, then you can quit. But, at least it will be an excuse to get out of the house.”

“I still don’t understand how this turned from a conversation about Drew and Ella into me needing therapy.”

Nick laughed. “I said that earlier. But you were the one that flipped it on me. Look, you know my opinion about the Drew and Ella thing… I know Ella’s made some mistakes, but the fact of the matter is, Drew did too. And if he hasn’t learned by now that he needs to be upfront with things… Well, he’s never going to learn. I feel like you’re putting all this pressure on Ella, and really, there’s not much else she can do. She shouldn’t have to be the one to force Drew to talk to her, or figure things out, you know? I just think you need to back off.”

“It’s just frustrating to see it happen and not be able to do anything about it. And I can’t talk to Drew, I can only talk to Ella.”

“I know, but you can’t DO anything Toni. They’re grown adults.”

I pouted for a moment. “I just also feel so bad for Drew. He’s got so much other crap going on, and I think he really misses Ella.”

“But did you ever stop to think that because he has so much other stuff going on, that now might not be the best time to jump into a complicated relationship? And you know, restarting a relationship with Ella – if it gets that far – will be complicated. Not to mention, he’s got to make the first step himself. I mean I just don’t get you Toni. You were so pissed at Jason for never making his move, and now you’re pitying Drew for not doing it.”

“That was different though. Jason knew how Ella felt for him, it wasn’t a mystery, everyone knew how she felt. It’s almost like Ella is Drew’s Jason. And I hate that, and I think when she realizes it, and she will realize it one day, she’s going to hate it too.”

“You know, that may be the case. But everyone has their own regrets Toni. You just can’t save everyone all the time, people have to make their own choices. I think right now, the important thing is, as much as you may hate it, is concentrating on you and what’s going on in your life.”

“I guess. I dunno. I just…”

“I know, you hate the situation.” Nick said, nodding.

We were quiet for a few moments, before Nick kissed my forehead and rose.

“Wanna go out to dinner tonight? We haven’t taken the kids out in awhile.”

“No. I’m pretty tired.” I answered, rolling over.

I heard him sigh. “Fine. I’m going to pick something up then. What do you want?”
I shrugged. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter.”

I felt guilty all over again when I heard him leave the room. It seemed like if I wasn’t feeling tired or sick, I was feeling guilty. I was being a horrible wife, a horrible mother, a horrible friend. The worst part about it was, I usually knew I was doing it, while I was doing it, or shortly after. I still didn’t stop, or correct myself, or usually even apologize. I just didn’t care. I knew I should get up, offer to go out to dinner, or at least sit downstairs with the rest of the family, but it just seemed like too much work. I would have to get up, make sure I looked presentable, find clothes, which I would probably discover that most of my pants no longer fit me, even though I just bought them last week, and I knew just walking down the stairs would wear me out…

I heard Nick talk to the kids, and I heard them ask for me. My heart broke, but I still couldn’t make myself get out of bed.

Oh God. Nick was right. If I couldn’t even leave my bed for my kids… I decided not to fight him on the therapy thing. I was ready to get my life back, even if that meant delving into icky feelings.