Cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you

Much to the annoyance of the people behind me, I stopped in my tracks. I got bumped from behind, but still didn’t move, and barely heard the grumbles of complaints behind me. I didn’t know what to do, I was rooted to the spots. Part of me was really excited, he had come for me. But part of me, probably the practical part, still had doubts. Maybe it was all a coincidence, maybe he was here to pick up someone else – his Mom, or his girlfriend. I hated told anyone I would be coming in, and I don’t know how he would have found out. My parents were the only ones who knew, and I highly doubted Drew had randomly called them.

Still, I could see from the look on his face that he was searching for someone, and in slow motion it seemed, I watched him find me. From the look on his face, it was clear. He was nervous to see me, but not surprised. How he came to find out I was here, I don’t know. But he was here for me.

I watched him make his way over to me. I wasn’t sure what to do. An irrational part of me was actually angry – who was he to just ambush me like this? I looked terrible, I was tired, and I was totally unprepared. But another, calmer part of me realized that when I had left for Colorado, this had been what I wanted. For Drew to show up and…. And do what? I had no idea what I wanted. I also had no idea what he wanted.

“Hi.” He said. He looked good. Tired, but good.

“Hi.” I answered. Then I cleared my throat. “I, uh, wasn’t expecting you.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I asked, confused.

“For everything?” He said, smiling a goofy half smile and running a hand through his hair. “More specifically though for just randomly popping up here, now.”

“Well. I don’t know yet if I’m happy about it. Why are you here? How did you even know I was coming?” I tried to keep my tone even, but I realized it came out with a little bit of an accusing edge. I couldn’t help it, I was tired of being in limbo with Drew – I wanted answers.

“Why don’t we go somewhere and talk? We’re kind of holding up traffic here.”

“Fine, but it needs to be someplace here, and it can’t be too long. Cue is waiting in a kennel somewhere, and he’ll probably be waking up soon.”

Drew led me to a nearly empty restaurant that wasn’t too far from the gate. I wondered if he had already decided on that even before I got here. I suddenly feared that he had bad news to tell me – maybe he was engaged. Maybe he figured I’d freak out less if we were in public.

We ordered drinks, and I also put in an order for an appetizer. I wasn’t really that hungry, but I felt fidgety, and I wanted something to do with my hands. After our drinks had been delivered, Drew cleared his throat.

“I am sorry, for everything. I’ve been thinking a lot about how things went down, and… It was the wrong way for them to happen.” He looked away from me, peering out into the terminal and staring at the people walking by.

“I wasn’t always right either, Drewbie.” I said, my voice softer than I had expected it to be.

“I know. But the ending… That was entirely me.”

I waited, to see if he was going to elaborate, but the waitress interrupted, setting down the appetizer in front of us. Drew reached forward, and chewed on a bite thoughtfully, and I cursed myself for ordering them at all.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was waiting for Drew to say something, hoping I didn’t need to pry, but it was clear that he was concentrating on eating now – because of nerves, or hunger, or just because he was done saying what he had to say, I didn’t know. But, I knew I still had questions that I wanted answered.

“What happened to your girlfriend? Does she know you’re here?”

Drew stopped chewing and eyed me carefully. I watched him swallow.

“We broke up.” He said.

“Who dumped who?” I asked. It was none of my business, and hadn’t been a question on my list, but I found myself curious.

“I guess, technically she dumped me. But, it was kind of a mutual thing. She wanted something, and I wouldn’t give it to her. I knew if I didn’t, she’d be gone. It wasn’t enough to make me give in.”

I wanted to ask what it was that she wanted, but knew it wasn’t my place. “That’s how it was with Seth. I cared about him, so much that I think I would have actually married him. But, when he asked me to move away… I just couldn’t. I realized that meant I probably didn’t love him enough, so…”

“Do you miss him?” Drew asked. That question surprised me, and at first, all I could do was shrug.

“Sometimes. He was a good guy, and like I said, I did care about him. But it’s not like it was with Jason, or with you. I’m sad we’re not really close anymore, but not sad it ended.” I took another bite and then said “why did you come, Drew?”

He didn’t look away from me, as I half expected him too. He stared right at me for a few moments, and then began to speak.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer that question. I knew you would ask. I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer everything – why I did what I did, why I shut you out. I can’t really explain it. I wanted you for so long, Ella. Since we were kids. For you, it was always about Jason, and for me, it was always about you. I spent so long telling myself to get over you, that you were always going to be in love with Jason, that when I finally had you, I just couldn’t stop thinking that way. When I heard you slept with Jason… That’s all I could think about. You were always going to be his. I knew I could have stuck around, but in my mind, you were going to go back to him, it was just a matter of time, and either I could end things now and move on, or it would end later. I figured later would just hurt more.” He looked down at his hands now. “But, it did still hurt. A lot more than I thought and I think… I just had to shut myself off for a while.”

I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. I understood all of what he said, knew where he was coming from, and believed it all, but… I was still hurt. I was still angry. I was still upset that things happened the way that they did. He couldn’t turn back time, and neither could I so… What now? And even though he explained why he had done what he had done, he still didn’t explain why he came.

“I get it. But, why did you come now? What do you want from me? And how did you even know I’d be here?”

“Your Dad came by to check on some stuff at the house for Matt. He told Matt. Matt told me. Matt actually yelled at me.” He said, smirking at the last part.

I couldn’t be mad at my Dad. I never told him not to tell anyone I was coming in, I just figured he wouldn’t talk to anyone. I also couldn’t be mad at Matt, but I was confused as to why he would tell Drew, and why he would yell at him.

“He yelled at you?” I asked.

“He told me I was an idiot. That I was going to lose you and if I kept being so slow by the time I realized it, it was going to be too late.”

I was stunned for a second, that Matt would do that – encourage Drew to come after me when I knew he wanted me, but then I realized what Drew was saying.

“What does that mean, exactly?” I asked. Nerves jumbled in the pit of my stomach.

“To be honest, I don’t know. I think we took it way too fast last time – we’ve known each other forever so I realize that’s easy to do but…” He trailed off. He looked really nervous. “I guess, I was just wondering, if maybe we could, you know, start over?”

I nodded. “Sure, that’s fine.”

We walked and got my bags and Cumulus, and walked out to load them up into Drew’s car. We drove home in silence, each of us lost in thought. I didn’t expect this at all, and it was going to take some time to really let it sit in. When I looked up, I saw Drew had taken me to my house, not to my parents, so I guess that solved one decision to make. I was a little nervous about seeing Matt, but I was also a little grateful.

“One last thing, El.” Drew said as he dropped my bags on the porch. I had already let Cumulus out of his crate and he was happily peeing on everything in the front yard.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“If you’re free tonight, I’d really love to see you. Around eight?”

“Sure. See you then, Drew.” I said, unable to hide the smile.

Cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you

Much to the annoyance of the people behind me, I stopped in my tracks. I got bumped from behind, but still didn’t move, and barely heard the grumbles of complaints behind me. I didn’t know what to do, I was rooted to the spots. Part of me was really excited, he had come for me. But part of me, probably the practical part, still had doubts. Maybe it was all a coincidence, maybe he was here to pick up someone else – his Mom, or his girlfriend. I hated told anyone I would be coming in, and I don’t know how he would have found out. My parents were the only ones who knew, and I highly doubted Drew had randomly called them.

Still, I could see from the look on his face that he was searching for someone, and in slow motion it seemed, I watched him find me. From the look on his face, it was clear. He was nervous to see me, but not surprised. How he came to find out I was here, I don’t know. But he was here for me.

I watched him make his way over to me. I wasn’t sure what to do. An irrational part of me was actually angry – who was he to just ambush me like this? I looked terrible, I was tired, and I was totally unprepared. But another, calmer part of me realized that when I had left for Colorado, this had been what I wanted. For Drew to show up and…. And do what? I had no idea what I wanted. I also had no idea what he wanted.

“Hi.” He said. He looked good. Tired, but good.

“Hi.” I answered. Then I cleared my throat. “I, uh, wasn’t expecting you.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I asked, confused.

“For everything?” He said, smiling a goofy half smile and running a hand through his hair. “More specifically though for just randomly popping up here, now.”

“Well. I don’t know yet if I’m happy about it. Why are you here? How did you even know I was coming?” I tried to keep my tone even, but I realized it came out with a little bit of an accusing edge. I couldn’t help it, I was tired of being in limbo with Drew – I wanted answers.

“Why don’t we go somewhere and talk? We’re kind of holding up traffic here.”

“Fine, but it needs to be someplace here, and it can’t be too long. Cue is waiting in a kennel somewhere, and he’ll probably be waking up soon.”

Drew led me to a nearly empty restaurant that wasn’t too far from the gate. I wondered if he had already decided on that even before I got here. I suddenly feared that he had bad news to tell me – maybe he was engaged. Maybe he figured I’d freak out less if we were in public.

We ordered drinks, and I also put in an order for an appetizer. I wasn’t really that hungry, but I felt fidgety, and I wanted something to do with my hands. After our drinks had been delivered, Drew cleared his throat.

“I am sorry, for everything. I’ve been thinking a lot about how things went down, and… It was the wrong way for them to happen.” He looked away from me, peering out into the terminal and staring at the people walking by.

“I wasn’t always right either, Drewbie.” I said, my voice softer than I had expected it to be.

“I know. But the ending… That was entirely me.”

I waited, to see if he was going to elaborate, but the waitress interrupted, setting down the appetizer in front of us. Drew reached forward, and chewed on a bite thoughtfully, and I cursed myself for ordering them at all.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was waiting for Drew to say something, hoping I didn’t need to pry, but it was clear that he was concentrating on eating now – because of nerves, or hunger, or just because he was done saying what he had to say, I didn’t know. But, I knew I still had questions that I wanted answered.

“What happened to your girlfriend? Does she know you’re here?”

Drew stopped chewing and eyed me carefully. I watched him swallow.

“We broke up.” He said.

“Who dumped who?” I asked. It was none of my business, and hadn’t been a question on my list, but I found myself curious.

“I guess, technically she dumped me. But, it was kind of a mutual thing. She wanted something, and I wouldn’t give it to her. I knew if I didn’t, she’d be gone. It wasn’t enough to make me give in.”

I wanted to ask what it was that she wanted, but knew it wasn’t my place. “That’s how it was with Seth. I cared about him, so much that I think I would have actually married him. But, when he asked me to move away… I just couldn’t. I realized that meant I probably didn’t love him enough, so…”

“Do you miss him?” Drew asked. That question surprised me, and at first, all I could do was shrug.

“Sometimes. He was a good guy, and like I said, I did care about him. But it’s not like it was with Jason, or with you. I’m sad we’re not really close anymore, but not sad it ended.” I took another bite and then said “why did you come, Drew?”

He didn’t look away from me, as I half expected him too. He stared right at me for a few moments, and then began to speak.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer that question. I knew you would ask. I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer everything – why I did what I did, why I shut you out. I can’t really explain it. I wanted you for so long, Ella. Since we were kids. For you, it was always about Jason, and for me, it was always about you. I spent so long telling myself to get over you, that you were always going to be in love with Jason, that when I finally had you, I just couldn’t stop thinking that way. When I heard you slept with Jason… That’s all I could think about. You were always going to be his. I knew I could have stuck around, but in my mind, you were going to go back to him, it was just a matter of time, and either I could end things now and move on, or it would end later. I figured later would just hurt more.” He looked down at his hands now. “But, it did still hurt. A lot more than I thought and I think… I just had to shut myself off for a while.”

I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. I understood all of what he said, knew where he was coming from, and believed it all, but… I was still hurt. I was still angry. I was still upset that things happened the way that they did. He couldn’t turn back time, and neither could I so… What now? And even though he explained why he had done what he had done, he still didn’t explain why he came.

“I get it. But, why did you come now? What do you want from me? And how did you even know I’d be here?”

“Your Dad came by to check on some stuff at the house for Matt. He told Matt. Matt told me. Matt actually yelled at me.” He said, smirking at the last part.

I couldn’t be mad at my Dad. I never told him not to tell anyone I was coming in, I just figured he wouldn’t talk to anyone. I also couldn’t be mad at Matt, but I was confused as to why he would tell Drew, and why he would yell at him.

“He yelled at you?” I asked.

“He told me I was an idiot. That I was going to lose you and if I kept being so slow by the time I realized it, it was going to be too late.”

I was stunned for a second, that Matt would do that – encourage Drew to come after me when I knew he wanted me, but then I realized what Drew was saying.

“What does that mean, exactly?” I asked. Nerves jumbled in the pit of my stomach.

“To be honest, I don’t know. I think we took it way too fast last time – we’ve known each other forever so I realize that’s easy to do but…” He trailed off. He looked really nervous. “I guess, I was just wondering, if maybe we could, you know, start over?”

I nodded. “Sure, that’s fine.”

We walked and got my bags and Cumulus, and walked out to load them up into Drew’s car. We drove home in silence, each of us lost in thought. I didn’t expect this at all, and it was going to take some time to really let it sit in. When I looked up, I saw Drew had taken me to my house, not to my parents, so I guess that solved one decision to make. I was a little nervous about seeing Matt, but I was also a little grateful.

“One last thing, El.” Drew said as he dropped my bags on the porch. I had already let Cumulus out of his crate and he was happily peeing on everything in the front yard.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“If you’re free tonight, I’d really love to see you. Around eight?”

“Sure. See you then, Drew.” I said, unable to hide the smile.

Monday Dec. 26th: I hope you guys had a wonderful holiday. I had planned to have a post up by now, especially since Jer only had a half day on Saturday and then Sunday and today off, buuuuut it was a LOT crazier than we thought it would be, and I honestly did not have any time to write (and Cayden has been on the war path, too much Christmas, I think.) I'm hoping that tomorrow the boys will be occupied with their new toys (normally I would scoff at that, since as we all know, kids like the boxes better than the toys, but they seriously got SO much that there's still 1/2 the toys they got in the play room that they haven't touched since opening them Christmas Eve.) And I can bang out a post. Worst case scenario, Jeremy is taking a half day on Thursday so we can go out of town for a friend's birthday party. It's an hour and a half drive time so I can bring my lap top and write in the car, but I'm really hoping not to make you guys wait that long.

New post below. I'm going to try not to leave you guys hanging on this one and get one up before Christmas, but again no promises - Jer's day off is Wednesday and we have to go to my in laws (ugh) and I'm going to try to see if I can get Eli's vaccines done that day so he might be a barrel of fun.

I also got the comment about the date thing and I'm so sorry! I didn't realize it wasn't showing what day I posted. I will play with my settings and see if I can fix it, but if I can't, I will try to include the day/date in the posting when I do it. (Today is Monday the 19th)

I also read some of the comments on the end of the bedroom blog, and I do want to apologize for being so flaky with posting. I saw how hard people took that blog ending (and I totally understand, and feel the ending was weak as well.) On the one hand, I can see where Jessica is coming from. I've only been writing this blog for a year or two (and not consistently) and I am running out of things to write about. She wrote for 6 years. But, on the other hand, I do think it stinks that all these big plans were happening, and we didn't get to see any of it. I realized it was a dating blog, and I didn't expect it to last after the wedding, but I was hoping they'd let us see the wedding, and maybe pass it on to a new voice - hand it over to Sarah, or meet K's single cousin who would then take us on her journey, ya know?

But again, from Jessica's point... It's hard to keep coming up with new stuff to write about. And maybe after 6 years she wanted a change. I know from my point... I would love to be able to update you guys daily and have the time to write, but life gets in the way. Since I don't work, my job is taking care of kids and taking care of the house. I won't get into all that again, cuz I know we've been over and over and over it... But I guess I just want to say as a reader of blogs, I do understand how frustrating it must have been - and I really am sorry and will try to be more consistent and give you guys an ending that is awesome.

If I don't post before Christmas, I do hope you all have Happy Holidays.

You don't really want to stay, but you don't really want to go

Things slowly began to get better. Santana and I were hanging out a little – we weren’t best friends by any means, but the chilly reception he had been giving me (read: acting like I didn’t exist) had melted. We did some lunches together. We occasionally hung out on our breaks. Not only did it ease up on the loneliness, but it seemed to give me some credibility with the girls, and we were slowly making progress there.

I was drawing close to my first break. I got a long weekend off and I needed to decide whether or not I should go home. My Dad offered to pay for the plane ticket, and I knew he missed me, but I just wasn’t really sure if I should be home right now. Of course, I didn’t really have anywhere else to go. I could rent a hotel room in town and just stay here, but that seemed like a waste of money. So, even though I was unsure, I called my father and told him to go ahead and book tickets home for me. I wasn’t sure if I would tell anyone I was home, or just stay with my parents and away from Matt and possibly Drew, if he had in fact moved in with Toni down the street. I decided that could wait until I got home to actually be determined.

I was also worried about leaving the girls. We had made some progress and I was worried my leaving them would mess that all up. I went into breakfast the morning before feeling down. I was uneasy about my decision to go home, I was undecided about whether or not I should see anyone, and I was nervous about leaving the girls.

“Turn that frown upside down.” Micah joked, plopping down next to me. “You should be happy, you’re busting out of here!”

“I know. I’m just tired. And honestly I’m terrified I’m going to come back and the girls are going to totally hate me all over again. It took us this long to move three steps forward.”

“You think five days is going to take you three steps back?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Yes. And I think my fears are well founded. We just haven’t clicked yet and I’m not sure it’s going to happen.”

“It’ll happen, Ella. It just takes them longer, but once they click, they click for life.” She said. “Why don’t you do something fun before you leave?”

“Bribe them?” I asked, smiling.

“Noooo. Bond with them. Make them have fun. They’re probably going to get stuck with Judy and you know how she’s such a stick in the mud. They’ll remember how much fun you were, then get hit with how much Judy sucks, and that’ll make them even more happy to see you when you get back.”

“But I leave tomorrow. So, what am I going to do tonight?”

She paused, thinking. Then suddenly she snapped her fingers. “I know. Spa party. I heard Judy say they needed to run into the town, have her pick you up some junk food. I have a bunch of spa stuff I was going to use with my girls, face masks and nail polish and junk. You can have it. Just pick me up some more when you’re home.”

“That’s a really good idea.” I said, and with that I ran off to find Judy to give her a list of food I wanted.

I not only had a lot of junk food and soda (which my girls hadn’t had since they come from home, since it wasn’t served unless an adult bought it for a treat.) but I managed to snag Santana’s ipod and speakers. He even put together a play list for me that he said was not too risqué, but promised the girls would still enjoy. I promised to keep an eye on it (things like that had a habit of walking away) and to drop it off before I left for my flight the next morning.

I hadn’t told the girls what was going on, so when it was time for dinner, and I told them to stay in the cabin, they were confused and a little angry.

“Why we gotta wait Miss Ella? Food’s gonna get cold.” Infone said, crossing her arms across her chest.

“We’re not going down there. We’re going to stay here. Go on back upstairs girls.”

“This isn’t funny, I’m hungry.” Harmony complained. She was a tiny girl but she was always hungry.

“Relax guys. I have food for you. I thought we’d do something fun before y’all get rid of me for a few days.” I pointed to the bags and watched the girls rifle through them.

I had gotten subs for dinner, and several different kinds of chips. There were snack cakes and candy, and soda. I was going to sugar the girls up, and I knew I probably wouldn’t get much sleep tonight, but I didn’t know how much sleep I would get anyway, worrying about going home.to the bags and watched the girls rifle through them.

I had gotten subs for dinner, and several different kinds of chips. There were snack cakes and candy, and soda. I was going to sugar the girls up, and I knew I probably wouldn’t get much sleep tonight, but I didn’t know how much sleep I would get anyway, worrying about going home.

“Why you doin all this?” Jaleesa asked, skeptical. She did grab a couple of the bags and head for the stairs.

I shrugged. “Do I have to have a reason? It sounded like fun. I get to go and get a break, I figured you guys deserved one too. We’ll eat and then Micah gave me some stuff to give each other facials and paint our nails.”

At first it was a little awkward. While the girls had been more tolerant of me, they still weren’t used to talking openly, so they were pretty quiet, but the more they ate, the more they started to joke and dance and open up.

I didn’t know that most of the girls liked to write, especially Jaleesa. I promised to bring them all journals when I came back, and we talked about doing a weekly writing assignment. I forgot all about being nervous about going home, and instead loosened up, dancing and singing with the girls, painting their nails, and even busting out my make up to make them over.

I even ended up falling asleep with them, all of us piled onto the floor.

I had forgotten to set my alarm, and I awoke the next morning to shaking.

“Miss Ella, get up! You’re going to be late! Mr. Tana’s here, he said he’s driving you in and you have to leave in ten minutes!”

Shit. Shit shit shit. I grabbed my cosmetics and ran down stairs, throwing random things in a bag. I might have to swing by home to pick up some clothes, I was in such a hurry I wasn’t sure I packed enough. I threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and threw my hair up in a ponytail.

“Be good girls!” I called.

“Miss Ella!” Infone yelled.

“What?” I asked, turning around, wondering if I forgot something.

“Your nose, Miss Ella, you have one of those things on it.”

I reached up and touched my nose and felt a hard cover. My pore strip thingy. I must have fallen asleep with it on. I pulled it off and cringed.

“Ouch. Thanks! Be good!” I said, running out the door. “The dog! I almost forgot the dog!” I said, running back.

“Mr. Tana already took him. Go on Miss Ella!”

This ride back to the airport was different. This time, Santana was trying to make small talk, and I was the one giving him the cold shoulder. I was just still so groggy and now the nervousness was starting to hit me again.

“You excited to be going home?” He asked.

I shrugged. “I guess.”

“Really?” He asked, glancing over at me. “Cuz you sound estatic.” He said, smiling.

“I’m just tired.”

The rest of the drive was in silence. We got to the airport, Santana helped me with my bags and got a cart so I could push Cumulus in his giant crate. I had slipped him something to make him sleep during the flight, and he was already passed out.

“Well. Thanks for the ride.” I said, rifling through my bag for my ID.

I was a little speechless when he reached for me to pull me in a hug.

“It’ll be OK Ella. Whatever you’re worried about, it’ll turn out fine.”

I hadn’t realized how much that calmed me down until I reached the plane and sat down in my seat. I was actually able to fall asleep. Santana was right. Whatever I faced at home was not that big of deal, I’d handle it and get over it.

I woke when we landed, and I was still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes while searching for my Dad who was supposed to be picking me up.

That’s when I saw him. It wasn't my father, and my heart nearly stopped.

Look for a post either tomorrow, Friday, or Sunday. We had a plumbing issue so my husband had to switch his days off and it really threw off my schedule. My sister is taking my older son for the night tomorrow so I may be able to get something up either tomorrow, Friday before he comes home during Eli's nap, or Sunday when he's home all day.

ETA: Remember when I said cursed? Yeah. It strikes again. Eli was in the ER last week because he had a nasty case of croup that we could not get to calm down. He's home, he's better, the post is *almost* done (I usually write 2.5 pages, it's almost to two) Unless tomorrow is a total trainwreck, look for it tomorrow afternoon.

New post below

Sorry it's late. Of course, as soon as I said "I'll have it up as long as Eli naps" Eli woke up. ANd I was going to finish it last night, but it was such a horrible day I just went to bed.

Also, this was posted in the comments, and I wanted to post it in a main post because I know not everyone reads the comments/goes back and reads comments, and if anyone has any advice, I think it would be appreciated :-)

*Totally off-topic question: Does anyone know how common it may or may not be to have an older dog (going on 13 years) experience a stroke? My little guy went from "normal" to drugged-acting over the course of an afternoon. He started randomly walking up to walls, stopping and staring in an unfocused way at the wall, became unresponsive (didn't seem to acknowledge us at all), "dragged" his hind-end (kind of looked like dead-weight) around somewhat, shook, his eye was bulging and very red...lets see: what else? He ate very little (even his favorite canned food that he normally wolfs down in practically one bite), "listed" or leaned to one side, seemed to be off-balence...just all-around spacey and drooping, also. Of course, we took him to our vet (he'd just been in the week before for shots-boosters and to have a patch of fur that'd fallen out on his ribs looked at)...he was fine at that appt. They thought he looked great for a dog his age. We had his teeth worked on extensively (had to have some pulled) this past September...but he's been good since. Sleeping more lately, but we attributed that to him losing his sister of the same age this past July (she had a tumor). I automatically thought all his symptoms (came out of nowhere) resembled a stroke, and I brought that up to the vet on Wednesday. He was very definitive about it NOT being a stroke, but didn't really offer any reasons why not. (Background: I don't like this guy. This appt. was the 2nd time we'd gotten stuck with him, and neither time was positive; he's arrogant, too eager to appear over-the-top knowledgeable, condescending, and unpleasant when I ask how much something is going to cost. I had the front-desk women note in our file not to give him to us again). Anyway, the lady vet who called me back yesterday am with test results told me the direct opposite: he very well COULD have had a stroke. Naturally, they don't really know anything definitive.

Opinions? (I know Laura is a dog-lover, and there are other animal-people on here as well). He's WAY better now...almost back to his "normal" self...only a couple of days after being so sick-acting. Such extreme changes really make me think it was a stroke - but I don't know.

---- I don't really have any advice for you (I haven't had an experience like this) But I'm also wondering if it might be a brain tumor or something? I believe in humans those can act up and cause symptoms and then the person goes back to being fine, I think it's the same in animals. But I wanted to post it up here in case anyone else could help you out! -----

I'm looking for a place, searching for a face... Is there anybody here I know?

Taking off after a random dog barking in the middle of the night in pitch black woods was not the smartest move I’ve ever made. I ran smack dab into a tree branch, scratching and probably bruising my face. Still, all I could think about was Cue, lost in the woods all night, and I kept going.

I found him in a ditch. He was shaking, he was wet, his fur was covered in burrs and sticks and random items. He smelled like he had found something dead, ate it, then threw it up and rolled in it. I didn’t care. I dropped to my knees and hugged him.

By now, Santana and the girls had caught up with me.

“Ew, Miss Ella, don’t hug that think, he stinks.” One of the girls called out.

“You guys better get used to that smell, because you’re going to be bathing him. In your shower.” Santana told them.

A chorus of “No way Mr. Tana” rang out, along with another few choice words. Santana held up his hand.

“You ladies need to learn that for every action there is a consequence. Sometimes that consequence is good, sometimes it’s not – it really depends on your actions. Your actions stunk, so now you get to deal with the stench.”

The girls grumbled again, but this time it was under their breath, and Santana ignored them.

We made the trek back to our cabin. I knew Que wouldn’t run off, but I still kept a finger looped to his collar just in case.

“Why don’t you run down to the kitchen and get him some of those leftover burgers? He’s got to be starving. I’ll watch the girls and make them give him a bath.” He looked down at Cumulus. “We may have to cut some of his fur.”

I nodded. “I figured that. Just don’t hurt him, OK?”

Santana nodded, and off I ran to get Cumulus all the people food he could eat.

Later, after Cumulus had gotten his hair cut (he did not look pretty, some fur had matted and needed cut out, other parts had burrs so tangled it couldn’t come out either, so he had chunks of fur missing all over) and gotten a bath, the girls had showered and were in bed. Santana was still around, sitting on my bed when I came down from lights out.

“Thank you. For helping me find him.” I said, not really sure why he was still there. He nodded. I waited a moment. “And thanks for spending your night off with us. You didn’t have too.”

“I know.” He said. He almost sounded defensive.

“Why did you do it? You told me you didn’t want to be friends. And this is something a friend would do for another friend.”

“I never said I didn’t want to be friends.”

“Yes you did. I believe your exact words were you didn’t want to know me, or something. It’s hard to be friends with someone when you don’t know them.”

He shot me a side look, studying me again. I crossed my arms against my chest and leaned against the stair case door.

“I wanted to help you because you were sad. And just because I didn’t like you, didn’t mean I couldn’t feel badly for you. It didn’t mean I couldn’t feel for the dog. The girls didn’t like you – they took it out on your dog. That wasn’t fair to the dog. He didn’t do anything.”

“Gee thanks, so I guess the girls should have gotten me lost in the woods?”

He sighed. “That’s not what I said, or what I meant Ella. I just try to teach these kids that you have to deal with your problems head on. A lot of time they take their anger at their Mom who is in jail, or their Dad who is a deadbeats, and they take it out on someone else. I want to teach these kids that they need to have a problem with the person they have a problem with – and how to deal with it properly.”

“I get it. I guess. But you still didn’t need to help me.”

“How about you just say thanks?”

“I already did. But, I will again. Thank you. Really. You said you thought I’d only last a week… And honestly it’s been hard. Que is my only link to home and it was really hard to think I’d lost him.”

“I was thinking about what you said – before, about not knowing your background. I’m sorry about that. The thing is… I used to come here. When I was a kid. I was a real hellion.” He said, smiling and looking embarrassed at the same time. “Anyway… This place, it saved me. But, we did have people who came in here and they just… They wanted to seem like they cared, and they didn’t. I was just someone’s project. Someone’s way to make them feel better about themselves. It made me angry, and it made me resent new people. Anyway, thanks to the people who were really here for the long haul… I got my act together. I got it right, and I came back here to help save other kids.” He paused for a moment, looking away. “So. Basically I did to you what I tell the kids not to do. I had a problem with someone else and I took it out on you. I apologize.”

I was quiet for a moment, contemplating how I should respond to all this information. It was hard to picture Santana as a kid, an angry kid at that. Though he had been shut off… I don’t know. I guess it shouldn’t have been surprising.

“Well. You were kind of right. I hate it here.”

“Why? The girls? They’re just giving you shit.”

“It’s the girls. It’s the people. It’s the fact that this just isn’t home. The girls… I can’t say I love them, because I don’t, but I know they’re just trying to protect themselves. I don’t blame them for how they are. But, they don’t like me. And honestly it hurts. My kids at home… They adore me. Sure, I get newcomers who aren’t always sure, but they tend to warm up pretty quickly. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to prove myself to anyone, and it’s discouraging and lonely and frustrating. I miss my kids at home. I’m worried about how the agency is doing, and how they’ll manage if they go under. I miss my friends. And honestly, I left my life kind of a mess, and I just feel… Unsettled because of it. I don’t know. I came out here to get away and clear my head, to meet new people, to learn new things. And I don’t feel like I’m doing any of it. I just want to go home.”

“Maybe you needed to come here, not to clear you head, but to better appreciate what you have at home. It’s easy to take things for granted when they’re in front of your face day in and day out. It’ll get easier, Ella. The girls will warm up to you. By the end of it, you won’t want to leave.” He stood. “I better let you get to sleep.”

“Well, thanks again, for helping.”

“Thanks for forgiving me. I’ll see you around.”

I nodded and he shut the door behind him.

I was left in total silence, other than the sound of Cumulus snoring on my bed. I didn’t realize how lonely I was, until I had an actual conversation with a person. I realized how badly I missed talking to people, confiding in them. It was almost enough to make me reach for the phone and call Matt, or even maybe Drew. But I couldn’t. So I didn’t.

What Santana had said, about appreciating what you had… He was right. I appreciated everything I had with the boys, now that I didn’t have it anymore, and now that I was far enough removed from the mess that it had ended up becoming. But was that enough? Or was it already too late? And how did I find out if it was too late? I had tried to be totally honest with Drew, and it hadn’t mattered. The ball was in his court now, and he wasn’t making a move. With Matt… Well. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. So shouldn’t I just stay away? Maybe it would just be easier if I completely started over. I came here to find answers, and I didn’t have anything. And having nothing was awful lonely.

Working on a new post now - should be up later as long as Eli actually takes a nap. Both boys are sick with a cold and Eli is not sleeping well at all, and it's impossible to get anything done while he's awake.

Hey, I ain't trippin but the truth is really, you don't know me.

***If you haven't checked in this week, or checked in on Monday, there is a post below this one that I posted on Tuesday. At the top of that post, you will find a link to the last post I posted before that, if you need to refresh. This will probably be the last post for this week, as I have a paper due and two finals, as well as Eli's first birthday and first birthday party. His birthday is today - HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELI!!! :-) I'm going to try to get a post out next week, but since I don't know what/when my English final is due, it will probably be later in the week!***

I wanted to head out when I got my evening break – after the girls were supposed to be asleep, but not knowing the woods very well, I didn’t trust myself to search in the dark. I hated being a pansy about it, but if Cumulus was stuck or lost, I’d be no help to him if I got stuck or lost myself. I was breaking up a fight about the shower schedules when there was a knock on the front of the cabin door. I rushed down the stairs, wondering if one of the earlier search parties had found Cumulus.
Imagine my surprise to find Santana standing there.
“Everyone decent?” He asked. I nodded, and without being invited in, he entered the cabin.
“GIRLS! DOWN HERE ON THE DOUBLE!” He yelled. He turned to me. “Sorry to take over like this, but mind if I borrow you and your girls for a little bit?”
“Do I have a choice?” I asked. I was slightly annoyed – him being a jackass and then just barging in like this, but more than annoyed, I was curious. I wanted to find out what he was doing.
He studied me for a moment. “You always have a choice Ella.”
By this time, the girls were downstairs, eyeing Santana.
“Whatcha want Mr. Tana? I was just about to hop in the shower.” Infone said. She tried to sound annoyed, but I knew most of the girls had a crush on Santana – or Mr. Tana as he was often called.
“Where’s the dog?” He asked, calmly. Now I was really annoyed. Did he think I hadn’t bothered to ask? Or did he just figured since he was a badass and I was just some suburbian white girl that they’d be honest with him and not me?
Jaleesa sighed, and rolled her eyes. “This again? Seriously, we already told the lady, we didn’t touch her stupid dog. Do I look like I want flea bites?”
Santana crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back on the door. “You all talk so much about being real, and being grown, but when someone asks you to be real, and asks you to be a grown up and own up to what you did, you back down, and you lie. Lying isn’t real, and it’s childish. I’m going to ask you one more time, and if you are so real and so grown, you’re going to answer me with the truth. Where is that dog?”
It fell silent. The girls stared at Santana, but he didn’t seem phased, he just looked right back at them. His face didn’t look angry, or annoyed. It was stone – cool. Still. The quiet lasted for so long that I was about to throw in the towel. That’s when Jaleesa spoke.
“Infone had some potato chips. We used them to get the dog to follow us. Then we bolted.”
I was seeing red, I was so angry. I was about to go off when Santana spoke, so quietly I thought I heard him wrong.
“Go get dressed. All of you.”
“Why Mr. Tana? We need to go to bed.” This was from one of the younger girls – Ebony.
“You guys are going to show me where you took him. And if he’s not still there, we’re going to look for him. And while we’re looking, I want you to think about being alone, out in the woods, with no food, no water. Lost, cold, tired, hungry… This isn’t some object that you stole – it’s a live being. If you had beef with Ms. Ella, you should have taken it up with her.”
Jalessa opened her mouth to protest, but Santana shot her a look. She rolled her eyes, but she backed down.
“Again, it goes back to being real, and being grown. This is not how grown people handle their problems. They talk about things, they work them out. And if they can’t do that, then they leave each other alone. If you girls put this much effort into something productive, it would be amazing what you could do with your lives. But instead you’re hell bent on being hoodrats who destroy everything they touch – including themselves. Go get dressed. I would advise you dress warmly, and wear comfortable shoes. It might be a long night.”
I expected a protest. There were some under breath mumbles and grumblings, but the girls turned and marched upstairs.
“You don’t have to do this.” I said.
“I know.” He was quiet for a moment. “I expected you to quit the first week.”
“Why?” I asked, truly shocked.
He shrugged. “Like I said, I’ve seen your type. They don’t last long here.”
“Do you even know my background at all Santana? Do you have any idea why it’s so frustrating to me to hear you say that?” I sighed, and bent down to pull on my own hiking shoes.
“You don’t have to come with us. I can take the girls.”
“They’re my girls, and it’s my dog. I’m coming.” I snapped.
The girls headed down then, and we headed out, Jaleesa leading the way, much like she led Cumulus away. Nobody spoke for a while, we just walked, breaking the silence by yelling for Cumulus. The girls were a little ways ahead of us – trying to speed this process along, but I was dragging behind, waiting a few moments to see if I could hear him bark. Santana decided to fall back with me.
“What is your background?” He asked. I peered at his face, trying to gauge if he really wanted to know, or was just making conversation. It was hard to see him in the dark, so I let it go.
“You were right about two things. I am white. I did grow up in a wealthy suburban neighborhood. When I was in eighth grade, we had to take this class… They basically lumped everything they needed to teach you but didn’t have a place to do it in this class. Sex ed, home ec… We also had to do volunteer work, and one of the units was on poverty. To make it ‘fun’, we had this game, and we were broken down into families. We had money, but then we also had things taking away from our money. Gas or other transportation bills, childcare, food… We’d have to draw these cards and sometimes good things happened. More often than not it was a problem that we’d have to come up with a solution too. It was just a game to us. We came up with all these crazy schemes that wouldn’t work in the real world. It taught us nothing. But, at the end of that unit, we had to take a tour of the inner city neighborhoods. It shook my whole world. You hear about kids without food, or without homes… But when you actually SEE it… I decided then that was my mission. Those kids. I worked with an agency for years, went to school for it. Now with the economy…” I paused, feeling like I was going to cry. So I just shrugged instead. “I hated leaving my kids for here, but I was starting to feel slightly burnt out, and I knew this would be a change of pace. I also knew practically it’d be good for a resume, if it comes to that. But the main reason I came is because they could stop paying me at the agency. Which bought them some time to hopefully come up with a solution. That agency… It’s all some kids have. I don’t know what they’d do without it. And honestly, I have no idea what I’d do without them.” I paused for a moment, to call Cumulus’ name.
“You know, Santana… I bet these kids get labeled a lot, based on how they look or where they come from. Hell, you might have experienced some of that too. But, it works in both ways. You looked at me and you saw one thing and you didn’t even bother to find out if your assumptions were true or not. I’m sure it happens to these kids a lot more than it happens to me, but it still doesn’t make it right. And even IF I’m just some white suburbian do-gooder, so what? Sure, these kids don’t need more people walking in and out of their lives, but at least someone’s willing to help out for a bit. Whether it’s for six months or six years, why does it matter? You said it yourself, it’s a war, but every war has it’s battles and every battles need soldiers.”
I didn’t bother to hear his reply, because in the distance, I could hear barking, and I took off after it.

Out here it's like I'm someone else, thought that I could find myself...

click here for the last post I fixed it so it should directly link you. Before you had to copy and paste.

I fixed it so it should directly link you to the post, the address I posted before WAS the post, but you had to copy and paste.

This is shorter than most posts - It just seemed like a good place to cut off. However, I already know what the second post will be, so it shouldn't take too long to write and I'm hoping that will either be up tomorrow (er... Later today I guess) or Thursday.

My situation was made even more frustrating when I realized I had no one to vent too. I hated to admit it, but I hated it here, and I wanted to go home. Not only did it sting that Santana wanted nothing to do with me, but his reasoning really hit me in my core. I had messed up a lot in life. My love life was in shambles and it was pretty much all my fault, my professional life was severely threatened, and I really had no friends. But I loved my kids. I had and would continue to fight for them, even if I was no longer employed with the agency. I still kept in touch and helped out camp kids who were no longer in the program. I care about the cause, I cared about the kids. So Santana flat out saying that I was just doing this for the bragging rights… Well. He was wrong.
I however, decided that I couldn’t do anything to change Santana’s mind. Telling him my accomplishments with my kids at home would just sound like I was bragging. I had to put my money where my mouth was – which meant giving my all to these kids here and now. I met them the morning they came back, full of big ideas… And I was knocked flat on my ass. These kids were different from my kids at home. They were slightly older, and therefore a little more jaded. And mean.
The ringleaders were two girls named Infone and Jaleesa. The other girls were manageable one on one, but that rarely happened, and the way they acted in a group was out of control. Within the first week, we had three fights (the first one I made the mistake of jumping in to break up, and ended up with a black eye and bloody lip.) We also had Infone attempt to sneak out and Cumulus barked and foiled her plan, and then on Friday Jaleesa stupidly tried to sneak two boys in. How they managed to get out of their cabin, I have no idea, but Cumulus was not letting them enter ours.
They also messed with my things. Nothing major, but they’d accidentally knock pictures over, or look at them and call Toni fat or her kids ugly. I had some make-up go missing. I was able to handle these things, and mainly tried to ignore them so I wouldn’t add fuel to the fire, but something happened in the middle of my third week there, and I ended up snapping.
One of the girls needed walked to the infirmary. She claimed she “fell” but it looked to me like someone hit her. I didn’t want to take all the girls with me, as it was dark and I knew one of them would try to slip out, so instead I called the security guard and asked that he do extra checks on my girls while I was gone. I also knew the girls were terrified of Cumulus for the most part, and I didn’t think they’d attempt to cross him.
I was wrong.
The girl ended up needing to go the hospital for some stitches, so there were incident reports to fill out and parents to call. I didn’t have to go with her, but it took me longer than I thought to get back to my cabin. I was beyond nervous when I saw that the lights were out and it was quiet. My door was also cracked open, which made my stomach flip. I bolted up the stairs and it was dark in the girls’ room as well. I was almost afraid to enter, but I needed to do a head check. I didn’t think they’d seriously hurt me… Right?
I used my flashlight and counted heads. All the girls were there. Even Infone and Jaleesa. There were no extra heads. I searched under beds and even in their bathrooms shower stalls. I acted like I was headed downstairs and listened outside their door. Nothing. They were asleep, and they were alone.
Something still didn’t sit right with me, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. It was quiet. Cumulus was gone, but he often went outside at night. It made me nervous the first couple times he did it, but he always came back, so I had gotten used to it. My stomach was still in knots and I didn’t know how to settle it down, so I decided to break my vow of silence and call Jason.
“Hey there stranger.” He answered.
“Hey, how are you?”
“Good, you alright? You sound funny.”
“Just…” I sighed. Homesick. That’s what it was. The jumble in my stomach was homesickness. “I wanna go home.” I blurted out.
“Aw, Ella…” Jason said. I knew he felt badly, but I also know he didn’t know what to say.
“It’s OK. It really is. I’m just a little homesick tonight. I feel like I have no real friends here, no one to talk too. The girls hate me, and the feeling is pretty mutual. I just… I didn’t think it’d be this hard, you know? I mean I didn’t think I’d come in and fix everything like super woman or something, but every second of every day is such a struggle with them. I miss my kids, I miss my house, I miss Ohio.”
“So leave. Nobody’s forcing you to stay there.” His words may have sounded harsh, but his tone was kind – he thought he was offering a great solution.
“I can’t do that. I can’t give up.” Santana was in the back of my mind, but I wasn’t going there. “Anyway. I’ll get over it. How are you? What have you been up too?”
“I’m at home actually.” He said, chuckling. “In Illinois.”
“Lucky.” I teased. “What are you doing there?”
“Drewbie’s Dad needed some help on the house. I had some time and Mom’s been bugging me to see me, so I came home to hang out with him for a bit and see her.”
It took everything I had not to ask about Drew, but I bit my tongue, and instead asked about his Mom and sister. We chit-chatted for a while, and by the time we got off the phone, the pit I had at the bottom of my stomach was almost gone. Jason had made me feel better, and it also made me feel good that we were starting to be able to talk like true friends.
I got up to get changed, and realized Cumulus still wasn’t back. That was starting to get unusual. While he liked his night strolls, he usually didn’t stay out this long. I peeked out the front to see if he was camping out on the porch. No Cumulus. I called his name a few times, and heard nothing. I decided to read for a while. I felt stupid waiting up for a dog, but the homesickness was starting to creep back in, and I knew I’d feel better if I could cuddle up next to my one link to home that I had here.
At some point, I must have dozed off. I woke the next morning to sun streaming in the window. I bolted upright and looked on my floor to see if Cumulus had come in. No dog. I tip toed across the cold floor to see if he was on the porch. No dog. I paused for a moment and then bolted up the stairs, flipping on the girls light.
“What did you girls do with my dog?”

I swear, every time I tell you guys I'm going to try to get a post up, something happens. So I probably shouldn't say this, but I am going to try my damndest to get a post up by Tuesday. I have a paper due Friday, but I plan to work on it tomorrow and Thursday, and I think that should cover it for me(and my professor has given us an extension on EVERY assignment we've had in this class, so it would not shock me at all if he bumped this one back as well.)

I had totally planned on having one up before Thanksgiving, but Saturday Jeremy started complaining of not feeling well, and by Monday morning he had full blow... I don't know. Everything. Jeremy very rarely gets sick, but when he does, he gets hit really hard. He was down for three days, and while I didn't get it anywhere nearly as bad as he did, it did touch me, so I was taking care of two kids and a sick husband while feeling crappy myself. Luckily we had no homework due.

If something horrible SHOULD happen, I take my final on the 3rd and then classes are over, so it'll be up for the next week.

You guys have been more than patient. I hope that it wasn't all for nothing.

I also wanted to say - I don't think I've deleted any comments unless they were spam. I know a comment or two got deleted last post - I didn't do them. I just wanted to say that because I know a few people alluded that someone said something mean and that's why I deleted it, but if someone said something snarky, I didn't see it.

ETA: Whoo-hoo, I may regret saying this, but I just got my paper done except for citing, which shouldn't take me too long at all (I just have to plug things into easybib) My kids are being insanely good today (I may regret uttering those words) so I should def. be able to post Tuesday - possibly even later tonight!

So you asked for an update

Please understand that I am saying this with no harshness, it's just the truth.

I did and do still have every intention of coming back. Yes, I said I can't stand when things are in boxes, and so moving would be easy - I apparently was full of crap. Moving with two children was insanely difficult and stuff still isn't unpacked. The re-model company who re-modeled our place didn't do several things right. So, even though I had internet when I first moved in, I had no outlets because out of all the outlets in our place, only three were grounded (meaning they were only two prong outlets and I couldn't plug in either computer) This caused me to get behind on school work and I actually had to drop a class because of it. I've also been dealing with the apartment people coming in and out to fix things (broken front window that was broken when we moved in, broken back window that was broken when we moved in, broken dishwasher that was broken when we moved in... There's been more, but I won't bore you) Then, the power in my living room blew for no reason (and yes, we tried to fuse box) so I had to deal with a BUNCH of people coming in and pulling out all my outlets to try to figure out what went wrong.

I already mentioned school, but there have been two tests since, and two papers - and that's not including what I attempted to do in the one class I ended up dropping. My husband started a new job, and he's now gone a lot more, meaning I'm alone with the kids a lot more and a lot more exhausted at night.

We've also been dealing with an issue with Eli - we started to switch him over to milk and he's having a bad reaction to it. I won't go into the messy details, but there's been a lot of carpet cleaning going on.

I know that these sound like a bunch of excuses - and they are. You guys wanted reasons, these are it. I totally understand wanting a response, an explanation, a time frame, but at the same time I can't always do that. I like the blog. It's fun for me, but right now fun often comes last. There are just too many other things I have to take care of. I know some people argue that I made a commitment to this, and therefore I owe it to at least end it, and I understand that. But, as I've said before, I don't get paid for this. It isn't a priority. I wish it could be, but it's not and it can't.

I do plan on keeping it going, but I can't promise when posts will be. Right now school is breaking for Thanksgiving, so all I have due this week is a discussion board. Soon, school will be over for the quarter and I won't be going back until January. I should have a lot more time - but it seems like every time I say that, something horrible pops up. I have Eli's birthday at the end of the month and his birthday party beginning of December, but I'm hoping over our Thanksgiving break to pop out a post. No promises.

Sorry if this makes you angry. Sorry for letting anyone down.

People have been sending me kind words and I really appreciate it, and I thought you all deserved an update. I was hoping to wait until the update came with a post attached, but I just haven't had the time.

The good news - my brother's case was dropped. It was a very scary time (It wasn't dropped right away - he was in jail for like a week and a half I believe, maybe two weeks) We couldn't really get any information from anyone, so none of still really know what it was about (my brother claims he doesn't know, which I don't believe, but he's not talking, so whatever) We also have no idea why it was dropped. He had one court date where bond or bail or whatever was set (I still don't know the difference between them, but honestly I hope I never have to find out the difference) and it sounded really serious - they just said there were two felony charges. Then they set another court date in felony court, and when we went to that one, they told us the charges were dismissed. He wasn't there for that court date for some reason, and it took them almost 24 hours to release him from jail, which was torture for us, and I imagine him too.

The good news though is, we found a place and we're moving hopefully this weekend (they're trying to get it ready for this weekend, but it may not be ready till the first) That's where I've been. Worrying about my brother, and then packing and getting ready for the move, and also working on school (this stuff with my brother happened a few days before the quarter started, and it kind of messed up my quarter) I'm still planning on coming back. Internet should be on at the new place the day we move in, and so as soon as we unpack (and I unpack quickly - I can't stand to have stuff in boxes) I'll be back at it.

So. Where have I been? Well, to give you the bare bones of the story (which is all I can give you, and honestly I don't know a whole lot more)

I finally started feeling better Thursday (which is also when I was contemplating a hospital visit)Well, guess who shows up at my house on Thursday? The police. My brother was arrested, and we're still not really sure what's going on, other than the fact that whatever he did (if he did it) is very serious.

To say I'm a wreck is an understatement. It's been a very long weekend and is looking to be a very long week and maybe months. The blog is on hold right now. I'm sorry.

Im so sorry guys. I know I sound like a broken record, but Im really really sick. I wanted to get on yesterday and post an update but I couldnt get out of bed and my cell phone is broken. I apologize I know this is getting to be an every week thing and again, im so sorry. Ill update as soon as I can.

Let me hold your crown, babe

I didn’t want to go meet up with my co-workers. But, I knew my only other option was to sit in my cabin and dwell, and I didn’t want to do that either. I wanted to fix this situation I was in, I wanted things to be good again, so I could try things with Matt or simply just move on with my life. However, I realized rushing things had only blown up in my face before, so now I needed to sit and let time do it’s thing. Time would go a lot faster if I went on living my life.
My room had the tiniest bathroom in it – I had first assumed the door was a closet. There was an even tinier shower that made me claustrophobic every time I shut the curtain behind me. Still, it was better than the community showers that kids had to share, and better than the shower at camp, so I stuffed myself in it and took a shower. I didn’t bother to dry my hair or put on make up – no one seemed to care about cosmetics around here. I threw on jeans and a white tee shirt and a gray zip up over that, struggled with my socks on my still damp feet and slipped them into my tennis shoes. I was out the door in fifteen minutes and on my way to meet in the dining hall for our ride into town.
Micah was the first person who I saw, and to my shock and surprise, she was actually a little dressed up. Not to the nines or anything, but she was in a skirt and a one shouldered dress shirt.
“You’re wearing that?” She asked, eyeing me up and down.
“I didn’t know this was a formal thing.”
“Go change.” She said, shooing me with her hands.
“I didn’t really bring anything dressy. I thought we’d be hiking in the woods and you know…. I packed practical.”
She sighed, loudly. She was shaping up to be the drama queen, but in a funny, non annoying way.
“C’mon. Those jeans will work, and we can fix your shirt, but you need some hair and make up…”
She grabbed me and pulled me off to her cabin before I could ask her what fixing my shirt meant.
Ten minutes later my brand new white shirt was cut to reveal more skin. My zip up was left on Micah’s bed, and even though I was entirely happy with her taking a pair of scissors to my shirt, she was the fastest hair and makeup artist I’ve ever seen. Still, as quick as she was, we had to run to meet the vans going into town. Of course, the two vans that were left had only room for one in each, so I couldn’t ride with Micah. She shrugged as she hoisted herself into the first van, and I shrugged it off. It’d be good to get to know other people, right?
Of course, the only seat left was in the very back row, between Santana and the window. I cursed my luck and wondered how awkward it would be if I played sick and stayed here, or asked someone to switch with me. I could say I got car sick, and needed to sit in the front. But… Maybe I was wrong about Santana. Maybe he had just been having a bad day. Or maybe he was shy. Micah did say he needed to get used to you. I could take this time to get to know him, and then maybe we wouldn’t have issues the rest of the time.
However, the second I settled in next to him, he made it a point to turn away from me. And he wasn’t even talking to anyone else, he just angled himself so his shoulder and part of his back was toward me – a clear signal that he did not want to speak to me. I should have let it go, but after being so honest today, I felt like I couldn’t hold back. Before I could stop myself, I felt myself reaching out to tap him on the shoulder.
“Hmm?” He said, barely turning around.
“Can I talk to you?” I asked.
“Sure.” He said, after a moment’s pause. He slowly sat back against the seat.
“Did I do something to offend you?” I asked, keeping my voice low. It was probably not the smartest place to initiate this conversation, around so many people, but it was too late now. Everyone seemed engrossed in their own conversations or were wearing headphones hooked to ipods.
“No.” He said, shaking his head. “Why would you think that?”
“Because you haven’t been very friendly since I got here, and I wondered if I did something to cause that.”
He raised an eyebrow, but other than that, his face stayed stony. He also didn’t say anything more, which frustrated me.
“So, are you like this towards everyone?”
“Like what?” He asked, now seeming irritated himself.
“Getting you to talk to me on the car ride from the airport was like pulling teeth, then you don’t even stay to listen to my introduction, I get in the car and you turn your back to me – you’re sending out very clear signals that you don’t want to talk to me. Which is fine, I guess, but I kind of want and think I deserve to know why.”
“Picking you up at the airport was a friendly gesture itself.” He pointed out.
“Did you volunteer to do it? Or were you assigned?”
He didn’t answer, and that told me what I needed to know.
“It’s not a friendly gesture when you’re made to do it.” I said.
“Look, I don’t know what you want me to say here. Maybe I’m just not a friendly person.”
“I’ve watched you with others. You’ll carry on a conversation. You’ll joke and laugh. You’ll talk to them. You do none of that with me.”
“I don’t know you.” His voice was calm, and that was making me even more flustered. If someone had accused me of being unfriendly or rude, I would be apologizing for my actions. He was arrogant and annoying.
“You don’t seem to want to get to know me.” I said, working hard to keep my own voice level.
“You’re right. I don’t.” By now we had pulled into town, into the bar where we were going to eat dinner and relax one last time. I felt anything but relaxed.
I let him exit the van because of the other people sitting in the back, I didn’t want to hold them up, and I certainly didn’t want to call attention to our conversation. I jumped out of the van, but stood next to it, assuming he’d take that as a signal that I wanted to continue our conversation on the outside of the van. He either didn’t notice, or didn’t care, but I was too pissed off to let him off that easy.
“Why?” I called to him. A couple of heads turned to look at me, and so did he. I think to avoid a confrontation, he turned and headed back towards me.
“Why what?” He asked, as if he had forgotten what he had just said two minutes prior.
“Why don’t you want to get to know me?”
He sighed, now seeming slightly annoyed. “Because there’s no point. I know your type.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Now that everyone was in the bar and away from us, I didn’t hold back. My tone was dripping with aggravation.
“I mean what I say, Ella. It’s not that difficult. I know your type, and it’s not the type of person I want to know.”
“I meant what’s my type.” Jackass. I added in my head.
“You’re the white suburbian do-gooder. You want to change the world. Which isn’t always a bad thing, but your type? Comes in for a few months. Pats themselves on the back, and then leaves to go home and brag about your accomplishments. This war ain’t over in a couple of months, it probably won’t be over in a lifetime. You aren’t in it for the long haul, so frankly I can’t waste any time or energy getting to know you. I save that for the battle.”
With that, he turned and walked away. I wanted to say something smart, I wanted to argue with him, but honestly, I was too shocked to say much of anything. As soon as I stopped shaking and knew I wasn’t going to burst into angry tears, I went into the bar and sat down beside Micah.
And I made sure to take a different van home.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

“Wait!” I shouted, just as I heard him take a breath in to form his response. “Don’t answer that. Jesus, what is wrong with me?”
“Nothing is wrong with you… I’m so confused right now, what are you talking about?” He answered, sounding both irritated and amused.
“There is something wrong with me Matt. I’m an asshole. I can’t believe I haven’t talked to you in so long and the first words out of my mouth are about Drew. Hell, I can’t believe I even care what the hell Drew is up too, since he couldn’t even be bothered enough to come tell me goodbye. But, I do. I came all this way to get away from him, and yet I’m still jumping at the first chance I have. This is ridiculous.”
“Ella… It’s a tough situation.”
“Oh Matt, it’s not. It’s really not. I mean sure, breaking up sucks, and it sucks to care about someone who doesn’t care about you back. But people do it all the time. People move on, people get over it. People deal with real life problems that are much bigger and much harder than being dumped.”
“Some people’s molehills are other people’s mountains Ella. Just because someone else is going through worse doesn’t mean that what you’re going through doesn’t suck too.”
“Why are you so nice to me Matt? It seriously makes me a little angry. I don’t deserve this. I was an asshole to you too, asking about Drew before I even asked about you. I just don’t get why people like me. And I know that’s what someone says when they’re fishing for compliments, but I swear I’m not doing that. I just… I look back and I see one train wreck after the other, and most of the guys have been around to see the previous train wreck, or even multiple train wrecks, and I don’t understand why they want to get involved with me after witnessing that.”
“Maybe they’re hoping it’ll be different for them.”
“But isn’t the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I mean if over and over again things get messed up, why would anyone expect it to be different for them?”
“Because Ella.” He sighed, clearly frustrated with the tone of this conversation. “That’s how relationships are. They all end until you find the person you’re supposed to be with. So, yeah, you pretty much go into every one thinking that it might be different. It doesn’t always happen, but the one time it does is supposed to be worth it.”
“I don’t know Matt. Maybe I’m the crazy one – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
“What do you want, Ella? What is your end goal?”
“I don’t know anymore. I just want to be in a healthy relationship. And you know, it doesn’t even have to last forever, but one that doesn’t end in a complete crash and burn.”
“Not all of your relationships have ended in a crash and burn Ella. You’re still friendly with some of your exes.”
I laughed. “Oh? Who exactly am I friendly with? Let’s see – there’s Seth, who moved really far away and I don’t speak too anymore. There’s Jacob, who didn’t even have the balls to break up with me himself and who knows where the hell he is now. There’s Greg, which, I guess wasn’t a crash and burn relationship, because it didn’t even get off the ground. There’s Drew, who despite being my best friend for, oh, my whole life, couldn’t be bothered to even come say goodbye to me.”
“There’s Jason.”
“Jason and my relationship is so warped from what it used to be. And it’s only like this after a very extensive and expensive repair. I know I sound like I’m whining, but I’m not trying to say poor me. It’s not poor me. While some of them have not been my fault, a lot of them have been. I suck at moving on. I suck at relationships.”
“Ella…”
“No, Matt. I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say I just haven’t met the right person yet and when I did, it would click. And I know that’s how it’s supposed to happen, but I think even if I met the right person right now, it wouldn’t happen. I’m just messed up. I know you like me, and I like you too. But, I love you as a friend Matt. You need to know that right now, I just can’t take that risk. I just don’t feel confident enough in myself that it would work out. Even if you’re the one for me, I think I’d ruin it, and I don’t want to risk another friendship for a relationship I know is doomed.”
“Ella, you’re being ridiculous. You don’t know our relationship is doomed, you haven’t even tried yet. I think you go into every relationship with the expectation of doom and it’s no wonder it always ends up crashing and burning.”
“While I agree that that is an issue, it is one of several Matt. And since I think that way, I can’t begin yet another relationship when that is my mindset. You’re arguing with me and it’s a moot point. I came here to clear my mind and get away from everyone. And while I’m crazy homesick, I think the best thing to do is to cut off contact with people from home. I just can’t hear stuff about Drew and not ask what’s going on, but you know… It’s over. It doesn’t matter what he’s doing or if he and his girlfriend broke up. He doesn’t want me. I’ve got to move on.”
“And how is not talking to anyone from home going to help that? I’m not Drew. Why should you cut off contact with me?” Matt sounded confused, and also a little pissed off.
“I’m not saying you’re Drew, or you’re like Drew. But, I know you have feelings for me Matt. And as I told you earlier, I do have feelings for you too – they just aren’t strong enough for me to want to get involved right now. I want to be able to give you a chance, but I also want to give you the best possible chance I can and getting involved with you right now won’t give you that. I need to get over Drew, I need to be on my own for a little bit, I need to figure things out. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, you have been amazing and I wouldn’t have made it this far without you. But right now, I need it to be just me.”
“I don’t think you need to be that drastic El.” He said, the anger gone from his voice.
“I think I do, Matt. I think I’ve never given myself a chance to mourn any of my lost relationships, so I’m carrying around all this extra grief and baggage from them. It seems like every ex-boyfriend I have had has butted into my current relationship, and maybe it’s just time I take some time to work through the issues I have with them so they’re gone for good.”
“What happens if I find someone new, Ella?”
“Then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”
“You won’t be sad? You won’t regret it.”
I sighed. “Yes, Matt. I’ll be sad. But I won’t regret it. I’ve said it already, I’d rather go into a new relationship with you knowing I could give it the best shot possible.” I paused for a moment. “Look, I’m going to say something really mean right now, but it’s the truth, and I think it’ll put things into perspective for you: if I started dating you today, and Drew showed up tomorrow asking for another chance, I’d give it to him. And that’s why I can’t start a relationship with you right now Matt. It’s not fair to you. Again, you deserve better than that. You deserve better than me.”
He didn’t say anything, and I was afraid I hurt his feelings.
“I’m sorry Matt.”
“I know Ella. I know you’re just trying to be honest and I appreciate that, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“I’m sorry.” I repeated. “I hate to end things like this, but I have to go get ready. Please, just give me some space. If you need me, I’ll be there, but if you don’t…”
“I’ll let you call me when you’re ready.”
“Thanks Matt.”
“Bye Ella.”
“Bye.”

Just a heads up, next week I have a buuuuunch of finals (well, all of them, lol) so Monday's post will probably not happen on Monday (I would write it ahead of time, but I've been a major slacker this wee and have pretty much done zero homework). I'm hoping this is the last time it happens, because I have two weeks off and plan on using them to get ahead before the next quarter starts.

When the hell does you'll get over it begin

(sorry guys, I'm sick, again, but I got it done only 2 hours after Monday ended! And if there's any typos I blame the nyquil, lol)


The next few days were a blur of meetings, orientations, team building exercises, and hikes. I felt bad because at the end of the night, I was so tired I would come back and just crash, but at least I didn’t have time to feel homesick. Cumulus was having the time of his life romping around in the woods, and I knew when I took him home, he’d miss the space. However, we were given the last two days before the kids were due back as time off – we were encouraged to get to know each other better, and a group had asked me to go out to dinner and a local bar with them. I agreed, but I knew I needed to make some catch up phone calls first.

I called my Mom first, and we had a strained conversation. She never really loved me working with at risk kids – said it was dangerous – but me going away to work with at risk kids really rubbed her the wrong way. It’s not like Mom and I were super close anyway. I think honestly we were just took similar to do so. I also wished at some point she’d stop Mothering me. I know it sounds weird, because she’s a Mom and that’s what she’s supposed to do, but I think at a certain age a Mom should step down and become more of a friend or at least realize that she has no control over what you do anymore. I also got to talk to my Dad, and it made my heart ache when I realized just how much I missed him.

Next on the list was actually Jason. I probably should have called Matt first, as he was the one who had been trying to get ahold of me, but curiosity won when I saw that I had a missed call from Jay the night before. He and I hadn’t spoken in a while, and I was curious to see what he wanted.

“Hey you.” He answered. “Didn’t think I’d hear back from you. Word on the street is that you fell off the face of the planet.”
“Ha, who’d you hear that from?”
“Drewbie.”
I choked on the soda I had just taken a sip of.
“You OK over there?”
“Yeah…” I answered, catching my breath. “How would Drew know what I was up too?”
“…You guys still aren’t talking?”
“Not really. No.”
“Huh. He didn’t mention that. I just called him last night and mentioned trying to call you. He said nobody’s been really able to get ahold of you.”
“I’ve been working a lot. You know how it is.”

I wanted so badly to press Jason for more info: what did he say about me? Who had Drew talked too about me? But, I refrained. I was supposed to be here getting a break from everyone, and I highly doubt Jason knew anything anyway, especially since he hadn’t realized Drew and I weren’t talking.

“Oh yeah. How is that new job?”
“Don’t really know yet. We’ve just been doing all the getting to know you stuff. Which, I’m not a fan of. It always comes off so cheesy to me. And I don’t like talking about myself. I’m also a lot more home sick than I thought I would be.”
“Well, you’re an Ohio girl at heart.”
“I know.” I paused for a moment. “So… What’s up?”
“I can’t just call you to say hi?” Jason asked, pretending to sound offended.
“Well. You haven’t, in I don’t know how long. So. No?”
“OK, you’re right. I do have a reason for this phone call, BUT I should call you more often just to say hi.”
“What’s the reason?”
“I met someone. And, I know you don’t have to know, or approve or anything, but… I’m just trying to do things right this time. Taking things slow, and being as honest as I can be. So, I thought you deserved a heads up. I just met her, so I’m not talking marriage or anything yet, but I do really like her.”
I paused for a moment, to register how I felt. I was a little sad, but I think that’s to be expected. I think Jason and I had had something at one point, and it’s always sad when things ended, but I think I knew deep down that things were way too complicated to ever work out between us.
“You still there?”
“I am. Just thinking about things.”
“What kind of things?” He asked.
“You and me. We had a run, didn’t we?”
“We did. To be honest, I wanted to tell you so that if you wanted to give it one last shot, we could. Before things got serious. I don’t want you to have any regrets later on down the road, and I don’t want to think that I didn’t try either.”
“We can’t, Jas. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I didn’t want too, but there’s too much to get over. And, I don’t think our friendship could take it. I don’t want to lose you.”
“I figured you’d say that. I just had to give it a shot.”
We were quiet for a moment, neither of us sure what to say.
“Why aren’t you and Drew talking?”
“He has a girlfriend, who asked him to distance himself from me. It really hurt. I kind of get it now that I’ve had some distance from the situation. Drew was after me for so long and his and my history is almost as complicated as mine and yours, and I get she didn’t want it to interfere, but…” I shrugged, even though I knew Jason couldn’t see me. “It really hurts that he picked someone else over me. And what happens if they like, get married or something? Am I out of his life for good? I dunno. It’s just a mess.”
“Well… I’m not sure if I should tell you this…”
“Tell me what? You can’t say that and not tell me.”
“I think she’s moving out.”
“They just moved back in together.”
“I know. But when I called, Drew said he needed to go get boxes for his move back to Toni’s. I don’t know why he’d move back in with Toni if he was staying at a place with her.”
“I feel so out of the loop.” I said. And I did. But really, I don’t know if I minded. I wasn’t sure what to do with this new information, and I didn’t like the way it was making me feel.
“You’ll be home soon enough.”
“I know. Speaking of which, I hate to cut this short babe, but I do have some other calls to make. We’ve been so busy these last couple of days and I haven’t been able to talk to anyone. I finally have some down time and I have to squeeze everyone in.”
“Well, thanks for making time for me. I’m back home for a couple days actually. I might drive in tomorrow and visit Drew.”
“I’ll always have time for you Jay. I wish I could be there.”
“I know, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Hey Jay?”
“Yeah?”
“I am glad you found someone. I hope it works out.”
“Me too El.”
“Bye Jason.”

I didn’t have much time left before I had to start getting ready to go out with the group, and I couldn’t ignore Matt again, so instead of sitting and processing all that information, I called him as soon as I hung up with Jason.

My phone was hot against my face, and even though I hadn’t planned on anything, I blurted out when he picked up “what’s going on with Drew and his girlfriend.”
“Well, hello to you too. I’m doing fine, thanks for asking, I’m glad you’re not dead as I presumed.”
“Sorry Matt, how are you? I’ve been super busy. Now what’s going on with Drew and his girlfriend?”

Just a question

If you haven't checked in in awhile, there is a new post below, but I had a question, because I know we have a lot of Mom's or Aunts or people who are involved with kids who read.

Cayden's birthday is coming up (in a month and two days - crazy!) and I wondered if anyone has any suggestions on what to get him? I've picked up a few little things, and have a few other things in mind, but those aren't really toys (he has TONS of toys, and I know will only be getting more from his Aunt, Uncle, grandparents, friends, ect. so I'm buying him clothes. Sounds boring, but it's stuff I wouldn't buy normally because it's more expensive then I'd spend, so kind of splurging on 'special' stuff.) Anyway, I do want to get him maybe one or two (littler) toys, and I'm stumped.

He likes cars still, but is mainly moving into super hero stuff. Batman is his favorite. He also is starting to get into video games, but I'm finding it hard to find ones he can do. He also likes blocks (like the mega blocks)

I like things that come with a case, ha ha, for easy clean up and storage.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone had seen anything cool as of lately?

So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste any more of mine

(Note: A couple people point out that I forgot all about Cumulus in the last entry. They were correct, and so I went back and edited it so he was in it. Sorry guys, my memory is not the greatest and since I don't have an editor and don't proofread, sometimes I miss stuff and mess stuff up! So, if you read it before the edit, Cue didn't pop out of thing air, I did fix it!)

I wanted to call someone from home, but I was sure if it would help me feel more or less home sick. This is what I wanted, though. To be away from everyone, to stand on my own two feet, to figure things out for myself and by myself. I just hadn’t realized that it would be this hard.

I also didn’t want anyone from home to know how hard it was for me. Hadn’t I whined about being a big girl and being able to do it on my own? So I should suck it up and do it on my own. I just needed to get settled – being settled would help settle me down. But Cumulus whined at the door, and I knew before anything else, I needed to give him a better walk.

The kids hadn’t arrived yet – a session was as long as they needed it to be (and the director had told me some of those sessions had lasted a year or longer.) But the kids did get what they called “vacations” – some of the kids earned the right to go home for vacations, and other kids who were still on the lower rungs went to a different facility, and their families came out to do family counseling. At the end of vacations, caseworkers went out to the homes to meet with the kids who went home, and sometimes they were allowed to stay there. I was coming in after one of these. The caseworker’s had mad their decisions about who was staying home and who was coming back, and tonight at the meeting I predicted I would get my list of girls.

The “camp” I guess we’ll call it, for lack of better terms, was relatively small. I wasn’t sure how many adults we had on staff, but I knew I’d have no more than eight girls in my group – and I was told that eight was pushing it, and if they needed a cabin that sized, was usually given to a more experienced staff member. I’d be in charge of this “core unit” (they used to call it a “family unit” until the kids started calling it their “F.U”) We’d take meals together, and do “core activities” together. However, the girls would each have classes and therapy, and when they were doing that, I’d be doing one on one therapy with a few other kids. All in all, from my packet of information, they wanted our core kids to get close to us, BUT, they also wanted them to get used to trusting other adults, which is why they mixed up staff members a little. Keeping it close knit meant any problems that arose could easily be discussed and understood between staff.

All in all, I loved the idea of the place. But the actual reality was a cold room with a naked full-sized bed and empty white walls.

“It’ll get better.” I mumbled to myself. “Once the girls are here and you’ve made friends and you’re settled.”

With that pep talk, I pushed myself off the bed and leashed up Cue to take him for his walk.
After a nice long walk, where Cumulus relieved himself on every tree he came into contact with, I headed back to my cabin with the hopes of decorating it a little to make it feel more like home. Instead, I ended up making my bed, and falling asleep with Cumulus snuggled up beside me.

I awoke to a loud knock on the door, and I jumped.

“Damnit!” I mumbled to myself, feeling groggy all over again. I stumbled out of bed and in the direction I remember the door being.
It was the guy, again.
“Ready?” He asked, turning before I could answer.
“Sure… But hey. What’s your name?”
“Santana.”
And with that, he was off again, again so quickly I had to run to catch up.

Santana took the last seat in a row, so I couldn’t sit with him. I had planned on it, since I knew nobody else. However, a warm face waved me over and patted the seat next to hers. She was short, with spiky brown hair, and clunky jewelry.

“You must be new recruit. I see they sent out the welcoming committee for you.”
“Uh, what?” I asked, confused.
“Tana. They sent him to pick you up, I’m assuming? You look lost, and that’s usually how Tana leaves ‘em. Oh,” she said, smacking her forehead. “Where are my manners? My name’s Micah. Have a seat.”
“OK. I’m Ella. And I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t really have a clue what you’re talking about.”
“I’m sorry.” She said, laughing. “Sometimes people say I talk cryptically. I don’t mean too, I guess I just assume everyone is always on the same wavelength as me. Let’s start over. Santana greeted you at the airport, correct? Or maybe greeted is too warm a word.”
“Yeah.”
“He’s like that with all the noobs. Totally cold, totally stand off-ish. I don’t know why they send him to pick people up. I remember not that long ago they sent him, and some girl almost left the day she got here. He made her cry.”
“Oh, well, he wasn’t mean to me…”
“He wasn’t mean to her either. And really, he’s not a mean guy at all, he’s just very closed. The girl thought she had done something to offend him and was just hurt. Which, honestly she was way too sensitive to be here anyway. Anyway, so I don’t sound like a total gossip, Tana is a really good guy, once you get to know him. He’s just very closed off. You looked so lost standing there, I didn’t want you to think we were all like that. New places can be confusing.”
“Well, no offense to Santana, but if he’s like that with all noobs, how do the kids take him?”
“He’s not like that with the kids at all. He’s one of the best and actually takes on the harder cases most of the time. It’s just the adults.”
“Oh…”

I wanted to ask more questions, but before I could, the meeting was called to order. Still, I couldn’t shake Santana from my mind, and I kept peeking at him out of the corner of my eye. I guess most girls would consider him good looking. I usually went for the clean cut all American boys, but I could appreciate the beauty in his features. His skin was a caramel color, his eyes a deep brown. His jaw was chiseled and a tad on the scruffy side, while the hair on his head was buzzed and barely there at all. He was tall, and broad shoulder, but as I noticed earlier, quick on his feet.

I didn’t like him. While Micah had called him closed off, I thought him to be more rude. The fact that he was only this way with strangers ticked me off even more – it was almost as if he thought I had something to prove to him. I wasn’t there to earn anyone’s trust except for the children, so he could go fuck himself. I sat there, fuming more and more, wondering if there was any way I could nicely request that someone else be in charge of showing me around, when Micah nudged me.

“What?” I asked, breaking out of my thoughts.
“They asked you to introduce yourself.” She mumbled, eyeing the room.

I felt my cheeks turn red at the fact I had been caught not paying attention. I stood slowly, facing the opposite way of Santana.

“Hi, I’m Ella. I’ll be an intern here for the next six months. I came from a program that worked with inner city kids. I loved it there, and I miss my kids right now, but the time came to grow and move on to better things. I’m eager to meet you guys and the new kids and see what all you have to teach me.”

I then sat down, and I couldn’t help but glance in Santana’s direction. That fucker hadn’t even stuck around from my introduction.

I wanted to fume, but instead made myself focus on the rest of the meeting – which was short. We were dismissed to go pick up our information packets and head off for small group meetings.

new post tomorrow hopefully

hey guys, excuse the typos, im mobile. I will hopefully be able to post tomorrow. its done, but my internet is down for some reason. we are having a storm, but I still have cable and electric so idk whats going on with the net. if its still down in the am, ill call and see whats going on and when they expect it to be restored. sorry!

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Gee, but it's lonely being alone...

(Obviously my brain is fried, because as several of you mentioned, I forgot about Cumulus. I did edit it to add him in. I'll post this note at the top of the page on the next posting so if you read this before the edit, you can come back and see where I added him in. Thanks for letting me know!)

I ended up falling asleep on the plane, and when we touched down, I woke up discombobulated. I stretched, feeling stiff, and shuffled off the plane. I regretted sleeping, now I was seriously tired and grumpy. The nap had done nothing to improve my mood or up my energy, and I also realized I had no idea where I was going, who I was looking for, no idea where to go. This is when I needed to be sharp, and instead I just felt fuzzy and muffled.
Stepping off the plane, I turned on my phone and waited to see if I had any messages. We had gone over so much about the job, I just didn’t even think to ask about who would be picking me up, or where to go. I had a missed call and a couple of missed text messages. Even though I was checking to see if the director messaged me, I was really hoping one of them would be from Drew. I still couldn’t believe he didn’t even bother to say goodbye.

No messages from him. Of course not. I had one from my mother and Matt, both requesting I check in so they knew I arrived safely, and one from an unknown number, telling me they’d meet me at baggage claim. I assumed that was my ride.

I tried to shake off the mood I was in. I didn’t want to give a funky first impression to someone, so I plastered on a smile as I made my way to the baggage claim. Arriving, I looked around and spotted no one that seemed like they were looking for me. I contemplated texting the person back, asking for a physical description or something, but figured that maybe they were just running late – my plane had actually arrived on time, so maybe they were banking on me being late. I grabbed my bags and lugged them to the wall, out of everyone else’s way, and proceeded to text Matt and my Mom and let them know that I was OK. Matt called about thirty seconds after I hit send.

“Miss me already?” I asked.
“Just wanted to see how your flight was. And yes, work is a little boring without you.”
“It was pretty uneventful. I fell asleep.”
“You OK? You sound weird.” He asked. I heard his chair squeak and I pictured him, back at the agency. It made my stomach clench.
“Can I be homesick already? I’ve only been here for like, five seconds.”
“Home is sick for you too.” He said, his voice going soft.
“Well. I better go. I need to look for whoever is supposed to be picking me up.”
“I miss you.”
“Matt…” I said, sighing. I didn’t want to go there.
“What?”
“Nothing. Nevermind. Miss you too.”
“Call me later?”
“We’ll see. Bye.”

I hung up the phone and glanced around. There was a man scanning the area, obviously looking for someone. I felt weird, approaching someone I didn’t know, but I didn’t really know what else to do. When I caught him looking in my direction, I offered a half wave.

“Ella?” The man asked, his voice deep.
“Yeah… Are you my ride?” I asked, smiling.
“Yes. Do you need help with your bags?”
“Um, if you don’t mind? That’d be great.”
He walked over to my bags and grabbed the biggest one, leaving me with the three smaller ones. I slung one over my shoulder and picked up the other two, following behind him. He walked briskly, and I had trouble keeping up. I wanted to ask him to slow down, but I didn’t want to seem like I was whining, or like I couldn’t keep up. Our job was an awful lot of hiking, and the buildings looked like they were a good distance from each other. I didn’t know if he was a boss or simply a co-worker, but I didn’t want to appear lazy.

We were almost on our way out when I remembered Cumulus. How I could possibly forget my dog, I have no idea.
"Um, I forgot, I have my dog... I just need to go pick up his crate."
"I'll wait here." He said.
I wasn't sure I could handle his crate and my bags, so I left them by his feet and hoped he'd keep an eye on them.

I got Cumulus, and thankfully was given a cart to wheel him on. When I got back to the guy, whose name I realized I didn't even know, I set my bags on the cart and wheeled him out. We finally reached his truck, and he threw my bags in the back.
"You care if I walk him for a sec? It's been a long flight." I asked.
He shrugged in response. I let Cue out of his crate and took him for a short walk, letting him do his business. When I arrived back at the car, the guy had loaded the crate into the back.
"Go ahead and put him in the cab with us." He said "I don't have anything to secure the crate with, and you don't need him to jump or fall out."

All three of us squished into the tiny cab and settled into uneasy silence - which I couldn't handle.

“So. How long have you been working for the program?” I asked.
“Awhile.” He answered, then after an awkward beat of quiet “I think this is my sixth year.”
His tone in his voice was clear that he didn’t want to converse, but after a few minutes of silence, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“It sure is really pretty here. Did you grow up nearby?”
“Nope. Grew up in Cali.”
“How’d you get here?” I asked, and then worried after the fact that it could be considered nosy.
Again, he was quiet for a long while, and I began to fidget.
“I was in the program, actually. When I graduated, I just sort of stayed on. Left a bit for college, but came right back.”
“Oh….”

I couldn’t think of anything else to say. We spent the rest of the trip in silence, and walked to my cabin in silence.

“This is your cabin. The girls will stay upstairs and you get the room downstairs. Unfortunately, there’s little privacy, as your room has the only exit, but it’s to prevent the girls from sneaking out at night. You can unpack and get settled in, there’s a staff meeting in a couple hours. I’ll come back and get you before.”
I nodded and tried not to cry. The walls were blank, the bed was hard, and all I could think was this was clearly not home.