we're gonna try again next year

First, sry about the typos. I'm on my phone and way too lazy to edit. Second I really do apologize for the lack of posting. You all have been super understanding and I know obviously my family comes first but I didn't want it to be like this and personally I miss writing. I had planned to come back this week since christmas is over and eli is sort of sleeping better... I even had a post almost done... and then I got sick. Go figure huh? I spent all day yesterday in bed and would be baxk there today but jer has a job interview... which is good but it super syucks that I'm home alone with both kids feeling like crap. So I think we're gonna chalk this up to a loss and try again next year. So sorry guys!

I know plenty of you have emailed or commented to tell me it's not a big deal on being late, and I appreciate that, but I wanted to just give you a little update.

I'm hoping to get a post up this week. Eli's sleep schedule is still wonky, but I think Jer and I have worked out a system where I'm not so tired (and personally I think he's exhausted, but he won't sleep when he gets the chance too, so that's on him.) Cayden's sleep is back to normal - meaning he's still waking in the middle of the night, but it's just for milk and right back to sleep, so at least we're not getting 3 AM freak out's from him.

I was attempting to write today, since I finally wasn't so tired that I needed to nap, but I first really needed to clean (my Mom has been cleaning up after us and doing our laundry. Which, is a huge help, but makes me feel like a super loser - living in my Mom's house AND having her clean up after me.) Then I sat down to write and of course, Eli woke up - he's been having bad gas (you care about this so much, I know.) So he was not in a good mood. I was also going to write these past couple evenings but had things to do to get ready for Christmas - my shopping was done, but my Mom asked me to go to the mall and finish her shopping. So I did. And then the next night she asked us to grocery shop for her, so I did, and last night I finished up making their Christmas ornaments. Tonight we're taking Cayden to see some lights and then I'm finishing up the last few things I need to wrap.

Basically, I know you guys don't want/need a run down on my life, but I just wanted you to know that I'm REALLY trying not to slack, just with all this added Christmas stuff it's been even more hectic than normal. Still, I'm hoping it's going to die down here soon so I can get a post up this week, because I miss writing it and hearing from you guys. Push comes to shove, the post may just not be as long as it normally is, but I will try to get something up.

Again, thanks for hanging in there!

No post tomorrow

Sorry guys, it's been a rough week - Eli's been having gas - of course it hits about 3 AM so he's been waking me every hour just by being fussy, and Cayden is going through this thing where he doesn't want to sleep in his own bed. Today we had to run some errands and tomorrow I have to go get my staples removed. I am hoping to have a post up by the end of the week. Hang in there, I'm hoping to get a schedule down soon.

I started running but theres nowhere to run to

I was in total shock, and all I could do when the “oh my god’s” and “congratulations!” rolled in was smile and nod my head. What the hell? This hadn’t been an engagement. I mean, it was, in a way… But the way he had explained it… It was more of a promise. I didn’t want to marry Seth right now. Someday, yeah, maybe… But I was banking on seeing how this whole separation deal worked out first.

“This is such good news!” Seth’s Mom exclaimed, wrapping me up in a hug.
Even Ian was grinning ear to ear and patting Seth on the back.
All I could do was eye Seth from across the room, and all he did was smile and shrug at me. What was that supposed to mean?

I looked around and noticed that Drew was missing. My heart started thumping – Oh God, what did Drew think of all of this?
I exited the room, under the guise of needing to use the restroom, and found him putting on his coat at the door.
“Drew…” I started.
“No, Ella, it’s OK. I’m happy for you, I am.” He said, smiling.
“If you’re so happy, then why are you leaving?”
He shrugged. “Just a little awkward is all. I just think that this moment should be about you and your family celebrating. Not you, your family, and your ex boyfriend.”
“Drew.” I sighed. “You’re more than my ex boyfriend…”
“I was.” He said. “I’m not anymore.”
I didn’t really know how to respond to that. He was right, of course he was. But I couldn’t figure out just why I was so sad about it. I was happy with Seth, I knew that. But this whole thing had thrown me for a loop, and my head was spinning.
“Ella, don’t look so sad. You’re getting married!” He said smiling at me.
Do I tell him the truth? That I had never agreed to be engaged to Seth, at least not yet?
“Yeah. I just… I dunno. I guess I always figured it’d be to you or Jason…” I said, sitting on the couch. “Life is funny, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Well…” He sat there, looking uncomfortable for a moment. “I told my Mom I’d try to stop by, so I guess I better get on the road.”
“You’re going to see your Mom?” I asked, doubting him.
“Sometimes it’s just time to let go of anger and move on.” He said. “Congrats again.” He called over his shoulder as he shut the door.

I stood there for a moment, trying to figure out what it was I felt, and I just didn’t know. So many thoughts were running through my head, so many emotions…

That’s when Seth walked in.
“You mad?” He asked, looking a little timid.
“I’m not sure. I think I’m more confused than anything. I didn’t think what you asked me was a proposal, I thought…”
“You thought right, I just thought… I mean everyone seemed so happy and it’s been a rough year so…”
“So you chose to lie to everyone to make them happy?” I realized then I was angry. Seth had put me in a very uncomfortable position – I either had to go through with an engagement I wasn’t sure about, or be the bad guy and tell everyone the truth – that the ring was just a promise ring, and that if Seth lying was any indication that things were not going to go in that direction.
“Ella, I figured… I mean I told you that I wanted to be engaged, I just figured it wouldn’t be a big deal.”
“And I figured that IF we got engaged, I would be asked, I would agree to it, and I wouldn’t be in total fucking shock when my boyfriend randomly announces at thanksgiving dinner that we’re engaged. That I would be in on it when we announced it to everyone, and that I would be happy and excited.”
“You’re not happy and excited?” Seth asked, looking hurt.
“To be honest? No. Because I’m not sure we’re ready for this. We already have a huge hurdle to overcome, and I don’t think we need the extra pressure of an engagement added on.”
“So what do you want me to do?” He asked, looking annoyed.
“I don’t know why you’re the one who’s aggravated. You’re the one who went ahead and chose to lie to everyone. You could have helped me out, you could have told them the truth, and instead you decided to take the easy way out. I know everyone’s had a bad year, and I do understand wanting to make everyone happy, but Seth you did it the wrong way.”
“I guess I just don’t understand, Ella. I mean I figured we were well on our way to getting engaged. So what if everyone thinks we’re engaged now? I mean we’ll just tell them we plan on a long engagement is all. And if it doesn’t work out…” He shrugged. “Well, people break off engagements all the time.”
“I guess I just can’t believe you’re being so… Whatever about this.” I shrugged.
“I can’t believe you’re being so uptight about it. Everyone is happy about this. And I guess I just don’t understand why you aren’t too.”
“You make this huge announcement in front of EVERYONE without talking to me about it first and you can’t understand why that might make me a little upset? You’re leaving Seth. I’m the one who’s going to be stuck here fielding questions about a wedding that I don’t even know if I want yet.”
“So basically what you’re telling me is you don’t know if you want to get married to me.”
I sighed. “We’ve been over this Seth. We haven’t been dating that long. So no, I don’t know if I want to get married to you.
The look of hurt of his face caught me by surprise.
“Do you know if you want to marry me?” I asked, and it slipped out before I realized I honestly didn’t want to know the answer.
“Yes, Ella. I want to marry you. And I know that now. I can’t believe you’re still not sure.”
“Seth, don’t act like that. I know I love you. I know I want to be with you. But I’ve rushed into every other relationship that I’ve ever had, and marriage is a forever kind of deal for me. My parents have been married forever, and I want to be them. I just don’t think we should rush into this. I think we should take it all one step at a time. You just put me out on the spot, and now… Now I feel forced, like I have to go along with it.”
“Don’t do me any favors Ella.” Seth snapped. “I’ll let them all know that it was a misunderstanding on my part.”

His face looked hurt and angry, and I didn’t know what to say. Was I really being that unreasonable? How did could Seth not think this wasn’t a big deal? And how could he know for sure already that he wanted to marry me? I knew from Jason that experiences could change you – some things made you become a different person. Who knew what this dancing gig would do to Seth? We would have the strain of long distance, and on top of that he would be experiencing things that I wouldn’t… He could come back a whole different person. He could come back wanting different things. Was it so wrong for me to want to wait and see how that went before I made any type of commitment? He acted like getting engaged was something you could just walk in and out of. While I knew being engaged wasn’t a binding contract, I also didn’t want to be engaged to every guy I was serious with – how was that special at all?

I wanted to explain this all to him, hoped that it made more sense to him… But he stormed off, back into the dining room. And as bad as this makes me sound, I honestly was too chicken to join him. So I grabbed my coat and I left.

Ahhh sorry!

Of course, I spoke too soon. Post is not done - yesterday started out pretty good but Cayden had a stage 11 meltdown and then never really recovered from it and needed extra attention ALL day. Then I was going to write in the evening but Eli decided to fuss every time I set him down, which led me to being up with him until 4 AM. This morning we had his newborn check, and now I desperately need a nap, and then we're off to the inlaws. However, they know I'm pumping so we told them the max we could stay was two hours. I plan on coming home and finishing the post. The LATEST it will be up is tomorrow morning, but I said it would be Wednesday so damnit, I'm gonna try to get it up today.

Sorry guys, I think I jinxed myself!

Expect a post Wednesday

Not sure what time, but I've written half a post and know what I want to happen with the rest of the post, so it shouldn't be too hard to finish - I'm hoping to finish it tomorrow evening (tomorrow during the day we plan on venturing out with Cayden, he keeps asking to play outside but it's FREEZING, so we're hoping to take him to COSI or at the very least to a play place to kill some energy.)

Anyway, just wanted to update since I said I didn't know if there would be one or not. If all goes OK tomorrow, it should be up on time Wednesday :-)

Any other posts about the baby will be on my other blog - the link is over on the right in the links section. I just know some people got annoyed with baby talk here, so I'm trying to keep it un-cluttered.

As for the next post, I'm hoping it'll be this Wednesday, but it may not be. We're just trying to get settled in at home, and this week my Mom goes back to work and we have a couple of appointments (Eli's first doctors appointment and pictures tomorrow.), and I'm tired, recovering, and woring from home, so lots of things to juggle. Basically, we're trying to get settled in and I'm not sure how it's going to go... So please hang in there with me! I'm trying! :-)

Elijah "Grunt" is here

I posted on the other blog, but it was just a quick blurb so I thought I would update here and the other blog for those who care :-)

We had our baby Tuesday via repeat c-section. The c-section was supposed to happen at 10:30 but there was a mistake in scheduling so we got bumped back. We were also supposed to record for a new reality show, BUT the doctor that was in charge ended up being the ONLY doctor that didn't let people in the OR. So, we didn't get too.

Other than that, things went pretty well... The spinal which I was most worried about was a total breeze - actually I didn't feel it going in and was shocked when they told me to lay down because it was done. The c-section itself was worse than last time - I think because last time I was so drugged up and this time I could "feel" more - no pain, but more tugging, pressure... I could also hear more and that was just gross, lol. I felt like I was having issues breathing as well, even though I knew the machines would pick up on it if I really was, but it just felt more uncomfortable.

Eli also had issues breathing, just like his big brother. However, he didn't have to go to the NICU like Cayden - they had NICU nurses in the OR with us, and they were able to "fix" him there. I cried when I heard him cry, and they laid him on me and I got to "carry" him out as we were wheeled into recovery together. He latched there and nursed like a champ - but I haven't been producing milk, so now unfortunatly I think we're going to have another formula baby.

While the c-section was worse than my first, the recovery? Has been WAY better. I'm still sore, I still have some pain, and it's still something I would have rather skipped, but I'm just able to do SO much more this go around - at least when it comes to Eli. It's hard with Cayden because I can't do much and when he comes to visit he wants held and stuff and I can't really do that.

Oh, Elijah is a beast. Born at 1:18 PM a week early he weighed in at 9 lbs, 6 oz. We were told he was 21 inches, but his bassinet says 20 inches, so we're not 100 percent sure on that!

We call him Grunt because he constantly makes these little grunting noises. So cute.

Nurses here have been amazing, but I am exhausted so I'm signing off.








I'll post more pictures (including some of big bro) later on the other blog.

There's nowhere to run I have no place to go

That night, after Seth and I had finished… Uh, welcoming him home, we laid in bed discussing the details the producers had given him. They would start practice after the first of the month. Each of them had an area of expertise when it came to dance, and they would spend two weeks learning a routine that they would then teach to the kids when they were touring around. They would also learn a couple of group dances that they would put on during the kids shows. They were going to tour twelve schools in the year, spending three weeks at every school, two weeks teaching the kids the routine, and one week performing. They then got a week off, which the show would pay to fly them home and back. They had free time on the weekends and could come home if they wanted, but those trips they would have to pay for themselves.

“You’ll be gone for almost a month at a time?” I asked, trying to keep my whining in check.

“I know.” He said, sighing and pulling me closer to him. “But, you know, it won’t be so bad. I’m hoping some of the shows will be close to home so I can jet back on the weekends. And, you could always try to come visit me too… And I’m sure it’s going to fly by.”

“Yeah, I’m so sure.” I said, sarcastically.

“Well… We’re not going until after the Holidays. So you have me until then.” He said, kissing the side of my head.

“Speaking of the Holidays….” I said, trailing off.

“Yeah?”

“My Mom wants me to invite you over for Thanksgiving. But, I didn’t know how hard it would be… The first Holiday since Chloe…”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Mom said she wasn’t sure if she was up to doing a huge thing.”

“Well. I told my Mom about that, and she kind of also wanted me to invite your parents and brother. I mean we usually tend to do a big thing at our house, everyone’s welcome type deal. I just didn’t know if it would be weird…”

“I’ll be there for sure. I’ll have to ask Mom and everyone though.”

With everything I had to do with work, November flew by, and before I knew it, it was Thanksgiving. I didn’t even have time to get nervous about the fact that my parents were meeting my boyfriend and his family for the first time. In fact, I barely had time to talk to my Mom and hammer down details. All I knew is I was bringing a side, Seth’s family was bringing a ham, and my Mom would do the rest.

In fact, I was so busy doing things for the agencies Thanksgiving that I didn’t even make my own side – a point my Mother picked up on quickly.

“Ella, you couldn’t even take it out of the store bought package to pretend like you made it?” She whined when I handed her the casserole container.

“Mom, I’ve made stuff all week. If you want to taste my homemade goodness, you’ll have to go to the agencies Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. Don’t you think the homeless and down on their luck deserve my lumpy mashed potato’s more than you guys do?” I asked, shrugging off my coat.


She rolled her eyes, but smiled at Seth. “So this is this young man I’ve been hearing so much about? When you call, which, you never do anymore.”

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. “Yeah Mom, this is Seth. Seth, this is my Mom.”

Seth went to stick out his hand, but my Mom pulled him into a hug.

“Your parents are still coming?” She asked, looking over his shoulder.

“They’re running late.” He answered. “They usually are. Sorry about that.”

“Oh no worries at all. I’m running a little behind myself, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t make all this food and have no one show!”

“Well, Matt and Drew are coming by too. You know how they can put it away.”

Mom nodded. “Your father is out in the living room, decorating. Why don’t you all go out and help him?”

My Mom seemed to like Seth, which was a good thing, out of my parents she was the most difficult. My father, on the other hand, was the most laid back guy in the world, and I wasn’t at all worried about how he’d react to Seth. Dad got along with everyone. I know a lot of girls worried about their Dad’s trying to intimidate their boyfriends, but I never did. One time, in high-school teen girl moment, I had thrown a fit and had told my Dad that meant he didn’t care about me. I was totally not ready for his reaction – he laughed! Then he answered me very calmly, and I’ll always remember what he said word for word: “oh honey, it’s just that I trust you. I know you’re too smart to end up with a dead beat.”

I was right – Seth shook Dad’s hand and within two minutes they were talking sports and stringing lights. And when his family came, they blended in perfectly, Seth’s Mom was cracking jokes with my Mom (making her laugh, which was a shocker!) And even Ian seemed comfortable talking to my Dad. I felt like we were one big family, and I could see us doing this many years down the road – my parent’s two lazy dogs slobbering all over everyone and tripping everyone up. The boys doing what boys do, being lazy and in everyone’s way while they lounge in front of the TV.

I was worried that the dynamic may get a little upset when Matt and Drew came over... Matt had opted out of going home this year, and Drew… Well Drew was still avoiding his Mother. His Father had offered to hold a small thing at his house, but he had gotten invited to his new girlfriend’s house, and Drew didn’t see the point in his Dad cooking a whole turkey for the two of them, and while he was comfortable with his Dad dating… Well, he wasn’t ready to meet her family yet. So to us he came, and from what I heard, his Mother had not taken it well. I was worried that they wouldn’t feel comfortable, since they weren’t technically family or something. But when they showed, my Dad broke out the wii and challenged everyone to some game where you ski on your butt. Needless to say, the boys were content.

I floated back and forth between the kitchen and the living room. Oddly enough, I was the one feeling out of place. Mom and Seth’s Mom were talking in the kitchen, and while they tried to include me in the conversation… Well, it was about cooking and other things I didn’t really care much about. The boys were absorbed in their game, and while they offered to give me a turn… Well, I felt like the pesky girlfriend crashing in on her boyfriend’s boy’s night out.

I sat in the side room, listening to the noise of the house, and it hit me how different it would be if Chloe was here. I looked down at my ring, knowing I could tell her all about that night… I hadn’t really told anyone about the promise ring. I didn’t really have any girl friends anymore… Toni was so busy with the twins, we didn’t really talk a whole lot anymore. I didn’t discuss my relationships with my Mom, and the guys… Well, not only would they not care, but Drew and I still didn’t really talk relationships.

I was trying not to bum myself out, but it was hard. I missed Chloe. I wondered what it would be like if Seth and I DID get married. Who would I do all the wedding stuff with? What would it be like without her? She would have been so excited for us.

I fought back tears, but gave a moment to feel sorry for myself. Then I shook it off. Everyone else was having such a good time, I didn’t want to be the Debbie Downer of the bunch.

My Mom called everyone to the table, and the spread was gorgeous. With everyone laughing and joking it was hard to feel so sad. I missed Chloe, I wish she was here, but I knew, in a way, she was.

“Alright, I know we’re in mixed company here, and I don’t know if you guys pray or not, but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable… But we do have a tradition of giving thanks, and I would like to do so…” My Mom trailed off, looking uncomfortable for a second. “I just want to say… I know you recently lost your daughter, and… I don’t want to bring anymore sadness on you by bringing her up, but from what Ella told me about her… She seems like a wonderful person. And hearing about your loss, well. This year it just makes me especially grateful that my own daughter is healthy.”

There was a moment of silence as everyone absorbed what my Mom said. I had to swallow the lump that was forming again in my throat. My Mom was rarely open with her emotions, so it was surprising to hear her talk so openly about me… And nice. Seth’s Mom reached over and squeezed my hand.

“We’re grateful for Ella too. She’s been a rock in this whole situation, and we like to think we’ve gained a daughter.” She went to pat my hand and felt the ring. Looking down she gasped.

“Did we gain a daughter? Do you and Seth…. I mean is there something you wanted to announce today? Oh god, did I ruin the surprise?” She asked, looking from Seth to me, shocked.

“What?” My Mom asked, confused, and then she glanced at my hand and the ring on my finger. “Ella?” She asked.

“I… No, I mean, it’s not…” I didn’t know how to explain it. I looked around the table, and while everyone’s faces seemed happy, they were all definitely shocked. I looked at Seth, trying to send him a silent ‘help me explain this’ message.

“Well. I mean, we were going to wait to tell you…” Seth said.

Baby watch update

No baby yet, and I go back and forth between wishfully thinking he'll be here before Tuesday, and knowing he's staying put till then. BUT, I do have Wednesday's post up. I'm not completely happy with it, but I don't think it's going to get any better if I work on it more. As I said before, I know WHERE I want the story line to go, I'm just not 100% sure on how it's going to get there. SO, you will have at least one post in December. The rest is touch and go - besides a new baby, I'm also doing some working from home to bring in some extra cash since Jeremy is taking December off to help me while I'm recovering from surgery. So again, PLEASE hang in there with me. I'm going to still try to get posts up once a week, but with new baby, working, and the holidays, it really is going to be touch and go for a minute :-)

I’ll admit, I was nervous to be alone with Seth’s Mom, but it went well. We talked easily, laughed and joked, and decorated the house. When I left, it was starting to fill up with people, and I was excited to show Seth just how supportive we were all being.

I was worried, however, when I got to the airport and didn’t receive the welcome I thought I would. I had missed Seth, I figured we’d have an issue keeping our hands off each other, but Seth… He was distant, and distracted. I barely got a hug hello.

“You OK?” I asked, eyeing him warily while we were standing at baggage claim.

“Fine. Just…” He sighed. “Tired.” He finished, shooting me a small smile.

We didn’t talk much on the way to the car, and I began to get nervous. Here I was talking myself into a relationship with him. What if he had been talking himself out of one with me?

“Can we stop somewhere, grab a bite to eat?” He asked as he climbed into the car.

“Oh… I figured we could go home. I was going to call in a pizza…” I trailed off, weakly raising my phone and waving it at him.

“I’m not really in the mood for pizza. I should probably start watching what I eat…”

“Well, I mean. It’s a celebration tonight.” I tried to protest lamely.

“Yeah… I still don’t really feel like pizza.” He snapped.

“O-K then.” I said, trying to figure out how to convince him to go home first. “I need to run by the house first.” I said.

“Ella, I’m hungry, can it wait?”

“No.” Now it was my turn to snap back at him. “And frankly Seth, I could do without the attitude.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry Ella, I didn’t mean to give you attitude…”

“Well, you wanna tell me what’s going on? Because obviously there’s something and it’s not just tiredness.”

“I didn’t want to do this here, in some parking lot.”

“Oh God.” I said, swallowing hard. “You are breaking up with me!” I thought about the party waiting for us at home, and how awkward that was going to be, and the Christmas presents I had just bought… Was it weird to give your ex boyfriend and his family presents?

“Oh, no, Ella. No, that’s not it at all.” He said quickly.

“Then what IS it? You barely hug me hello, haven’t touched me since, you’re yelling at me and I haven’t seen you for a week, and I missed you damnit.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Man, I fuck everything up, this wasn’t how I had pictured it at all, and now look, I’ve made you cry and… Geez, just forget it. Let’s just go home and order a pizza and I promise I’ll stop being so funny.”

“No. You need to tell me why you’re being so weird Seth.”

“Ella, I don’t want to do this here.”

“Do WHAT?” I practically yelled.

“Just forget it! Nothing!”

“No, because now I’ll be thinking about it all night and worrying about it, and then it’ll turn into some big deal when it’s not, so just… Please. Tell me.”

He sighed yet again. It must be a new record for him, sighing so many times in a row.

“Look, I’m sorry I’m so exasperating but I just…” I started.

“I bought you this.” He said, thrusting a small box at me.

I was dumbfounded when I opened it up and saw a ring. Not what I was expecting, not in the least bit.

“Are you….?” I wasn’t even able to finish the question.

“No. Not yet at least… Well, I mean, kind of… I just. I had this whole thing planned out in my head. But I got so nervous, and that made me distant and snappy… The whole point of this was to make you feel more at ease about me leaving, not to make you feel like I was breaking up with you.”

“Can I hear your speech?” I asked, wanting to know exactly what this ring meant.

“My speech?” He asked, confused.

“I mean you said you had this whole thing planned out in your head. What were you going to say, exactly?”

“Ella, can we just drop it? I’m not exactly on my A-game right now… I’ve already botched this up big time.”

“I don’t care. I still want to hear what you had to say. It’s important to me. Besides, how can I accept this ring if I don’t know what it means?”

He sighed, but this time with a smile, and turned to face me in the car seat.

“It means I love you. I know I tell you that a lot, but it doesn’t always feel like enough, and sometimes I wonder if you know how much… Especially after moments like these. I mean if you honestly knew how much I loved you… You would know that I would never leave you. I keep saying it, but you’ve really been my rock, and I would be in a very bad place right now if I didn’t have you.” He paused for a moment, and then continued. “I know I’m being selfish, by choosing to leave…”

“Seth, I don’t think that at all.” I interjected.

“I know you don’t, but I do. I know this is something I need to do, I know you understand, but it is incredibly selfish. Even though I am helping out others, I’m ultimately doing it for me. I know we haven’t been together for an insane amount of time, so no… I’m not proposing. But, I did want to give you something to show you how serious I am about our relationship. So, this is a promise ring. I know it’s a little high school, but... I just have so many promises I want to make to you. I promise that I’ll come home as much as I can, I promise that I’ll be faithful while I’m away, I promise that I’m committed to this relationship and will do whatever it takes to make it work.” He paused again, this time looking away. “And maybe, after this year is over, I can replace that ring with the other kind.”


I was quiet for a moment, absorbing what he said. It really was the most perfect thing anyone could say in a time like this.

“I just worried, when you saw the ring, that you would freak. Think I was taking things too fast, and… Well, I hope I’m not… Do you accept?”

“Oh Seth… Of course.” I answered, and he smiled wide as he slipped the ring on my finger, and pulled me into a deep kiss.

“Now that is how you should have greeted me.” I said, smiling at him when we finally broke apart.
“Well… There’s always more where that came from.” He said, smiling slyly at me and coming back in for another kiss.

Of course, it was that moment that my phone chose to buzz, and when I looked down, I saw it was a text from Christi:

Christi: U 2 pull over to have a quickie and 4get about us?

“Let’s head home and order that pizza. I’m starving. Then you and I can celebrate.” I said.
“If you insist.” Seth answered, only looking slightly disappointed.

I called Seth’s Mom and put in our fake pizza order. She was surprisingly realistic, even telling me to pretend like I was on hold for a few moments. I heard the noise in the background and it sounded like a lot of people were there. I was happy that with such short notice, so many of Seth’s friends were able to be there.

When we arrived at the house, it was dark and quiet, and it was hard for me not to burst out in giggles. Seth had no idea, which is exactly how we wanted it. When we walked in and switched on the lights, everyone jumped out yelling surprise, and Seth jumped about a mile in the air. He then thanked his Mom and I both, and truly was surprised.

The party was a success, and I was feeling like the happiest girl in the world.

New post below - just baby news here!

Just keeping you guys updated - We're at under 2 weeks until baby is supposed to make his entrance. I've had no labor signs other than some contractions at 35 weeks that while painful have apparently done nothing to help me out. So, I really don't think the little guy is coming sooner than that.

I currently have all of November scheduled to post - and I'm trying hard to get December written and scheduled so that I can at least promise you guys that. It's just a little bit trying because a.) I'm tired and b.) I've hit kind of a writers block where I know where I want the story to go, I'm just not exactly sure how to get it there. At the VERY very least I'm hoping to get the first week in December up and then maybe muddling through, lol.

Someone also mentioned putting up a donation button for the blog - I had done this previously but took it down. If you guys want "donations" are ALWAYS welcome, but not expected. Here's the button and I'll post it again over on the side bar:

Just FYI - It is my husband's pay pal account, so if his name shows up, that's why!

I come undone in this mad season

I managed to sound excited while on the phone with Seth, letting out a squeal and a loud congratulations after he told me. He gave me the few details he knew, saying there would be a meeting later tonight to go more in depth – he would get his marching orders then, but he did know that he’d be on a plane the next day. I was excited to see him, but knew it was going to be hard, putting on a happy face when really, I wasn’t sure how I felt about this whole deal.

And I’ll admit, when I hung up the phone with him, I sat and had a nice long cry. I cried because I missed Seth, I cried because I knew missing him would be something I would do a lot of this upcoming year. I cried because I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I also cried because I missed Chloe. I hadn’t really cried for her since she died, I was too busy being the support person. I missed her, and I felt like everything had changed since she was gone.

After I was done and my breathing calmed down, I picked up the phone to call Seth’s Mother. I wanted to plan something special for him when he arrived home the next day, and I thought she might want to be included.

“Hey there Miss Ella, did you talk to Seth?” She answered.

“I did, did you?” I asked, not wanting to spill the beans if she hadn’t yet.

“Just got off the phone with him.” I could hear the smile in her voice.

“You proud Mama?” I asked, smiling back at her.

“Sure am. How are you handling it though? I know the idea of being away from him that long can’t be an easy one to swallow.”

Her bluntness took me off guard, and I swallowed hard.

“Oh, it’ll be…” I started, trying to keep my voice light. But I could clearly hear the warble in it, and knew I wasn’t going to fool anyone. “I’m happy for him, I am… I’m just not so happy for us.” I admitted.

“Oh honey…”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to get him to stay or anything… I think this is great for him, and I..”

“Ella, I get where you’re coming from sweetie. Look at Seth’s dad. He loves his jobs, and it’s great for him, he gets to travel, and it’s good money… But he’s gone a lot. I would never tell him to quit, but I miss him.

“I just don’t want you to think I’m trying to hold him back.” I blurted out.

“With all you’ve put up with Ella? Even if you did tell him to stay, I couldn’t fault you for that.” Now her own voice was getting a little shaky. “I’ve been meaning to thank you… For everything you’ve done for Seth and the family, and especially Chloe…” Her voice broke at the mention of Chloe’s name.

“You don’t have to thank me…” I said, feeling bad about bringing her pain.

“But I do. You did an awful lot for my family. So even if you were to tell Seth to stay at home and give this up… I wouldn’t fault you for that at all honey. But, I know you wouldn’t. You’ve shown over and over again that you’re not that type of person.”

“Sometimes though I wish I was.” I said, laughing.

“Well, you know, sometimes there’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish every now and then.”

We were both quiet for a moment, and then she cleared her throat.

“Oh, yeah! I called because he’s coming home tomorrow night. I wondered if you wanted to help me throw a celebration for him? I know it’ll be last minute but…”

“That’s a great idea! I think we’ve all earned a little bit of a celebration! What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know. We could use my house, if you don’t care. We don’t have a lot of time, so I’m thinking something pretty simple. Ordering pizzas and wings and drinks, just having friends over… Maybe setting up the wii. Pretty low key, but… As much as I don’t want Seth to go, I don’t want him to know that. If he knows… He’ll stay. So I just want to put on a happy face and let him know that I support him.”

“Sounds good. If you handle the drinks, I’ll handle the food. We can both call people.”

“Alright.”

“What time are you picking him up from the airport? I’ll come over before and have you set up, and then we can all be there when you come back.”

“Oooh, it’ll be a real surprise party.” I said, smiling. “He says his plan lands at six, so we should be home by seven. I can call you and place a fake pizza order or something to let you know we’re on our way home.”

“Perfect. Seth always says we can never surprise him, but I think this will get him. I’ll come over around four to help you set everything up. I’ll tell everyone to be there between five-thirty and six so they’ll have plenty of time to be there before Seth comes.”

“Thanks so much for helping.” I said.

“Well, thank you for thinking of it, and for asking me to help.” She answered.

I hung up the phone, feeling good for a moment, and then reality came crashing down. The last guy I dated that I had a good relationship with his Mother was Jacob. And this relationship was eerily similar to that one: a death of a close female, the whole long distance thing… Actually liking and getting along with his Mom… Was this a sign of things to come?

I didn’t sleep well that night. I was so worked up over this whole situation. And if I was this worked up before it even started… Well, how well could the rest of it go? Should I stay with Seth, or was it better for us to call it quits now? I was terrified that we’d try to do this long distance thing and end up growing apart… Or worse, that I would resent him for some reason. I mean wouldn’t it be better to call it quits now, with the memory of when things were still good? Maybe then we’d have a chance of working it out once the timing was better….
However, wasn’t that what Drew had said? That he just needed time and space, and he’d come back to me? Only he didn’t. He moved on and THAT made me resent him, and things were still weird between us.

I flipped over onto my other side, settling into my pillows. I was scared of getting hurt again, scared of losing someone else… But really, that’s what relationships were, finding someone who was worth risking the hurt. Seth and I could end at any time, long distance or not. Sure, more could go wrong once he was long distance, it would be easier to grow apart. But, if we did grow apart, wouldn’t we have eventually come to the same end?

My head hurt, I was thinking too much, but I think the final conclusion was that I spent a lot of the relationships I was in over-thinking things and trying to avoid the hurt, and obviously that wasn’t really working out too well for me. When I first started dating Seth, the whole motto of dating him was “go with the flow”, and it had worked, hadn’t it? Hadn’t we gotten this far? Who’s to say that it wouldn’t take us the rest of the way?

I could, after all, see myself marrying Seth. And with that thought in my head, I finally fell asleep with a smile on my face.

I decided to take the next off work, calling in to tell them that I’d be working from home with a cold if they could get someone else to cover my group. I had no intention on working from home, but I desperately needed to clean the house before anyone came over, and I also had a few things to pick up for the party that night.

Cleaning went quicker than I expected, as did shopping for drinks and a few decorations, so I decided to swing by the mall and get a jump start on Christmas shopping. I always felt like I was on double duty for Christmas, with everything the agency did, so the earlier I got my stuff done, the better.

I knew I wanted to get Seth something Chloe centered. I didn’t want to keep bringing her up, but I knew this being the first Christmas without her… Well, she was going to be on everyone’s minds. I walked into a store called Things Remembered where they did engravings and such, and immediately was drawn to the jewelry.

There they were sitting, a collection of plain silver bands with a teardrop shaped birthstone in the middle. They were perfect, simple, and not too morbid, but it got the point across.
I was originally just going to order one for each member of his family, but then decided to get one for myself and Christi as well, and at the last minute, Matt. He may not have known Chloe as well as the rest of us did, but there’s something a little more painful about ‘what might have beens’ and I knew he still thought of her often. It was a good thing I had come in today, because the rings wouldn’t be in until the week before Christmas. It cost me a pretty penny, but I felt good about the purchase, and the majority of my Christmas shopping was finished.

Seth's POV: I got a hole in me now - yeah I got a scar I can talk about

Getting on the plane to California for my audition, I was conflicted. Part of me was excited, and hopeful, and the other half… Well, the other half wanted to turn around and go home. For one, it was such a long shot, and I knew I’d be disappointed if I didn’t make it. And secondly, I almost didn’t want to get it, didn’t want to have to leave Ella. And what about my family? This was a time when they needed me most, and here I was jet-setting off, and for what? For something that would only benefit myself.

My Mom and I had a long conversation the night before, and when I told her that… That I felt selfish for even trying, she had gotten outraged.

“It won’t just be helping you, Seth. You’ll be helping kids who need you. Do you get something out of it? Maybe. Maybe not. All you get is the exposure, the chance to MAYBE be seen and liked by someone with connections. And honey, not to rain on your parade, not to say you aren’t talented, but that’s a big maybe. There is no maybe about whether or not those kids will get something from you. They will.”
“But I’m leaving you all and we just lost…”
“Chloe.” She said, smiling sadly. “Seth… What do you think Chloe would want you to do? Sit and home so a few of your friends and family won’t miss you, or go try to do this tour, which has the potential of helping thousands of children?”
“I just feel so selfish Mom.” I admitted.
“I think us asking you to stay would be the really selfish thing.”

Really, I had been surprised when my Mom supported me going on the tour. When I told her I was taking the summer off school, she had understood, but when I had also opted out of fall quarter… Well. She started talking about me seeing a therapist. She thought I was running away from my responsibilities, that losing Chloe had cracked me up, when really it had just made me see things a little more clearly. Chloe had always wondered why I hadn’t chosen to do something with dancing, and I had always told her that dreams were nice in theory, but sometimes you needed to be practical. And with Chloe dying… Well, it just opened my eyes. What was the point in being practical? It would all be gone one day, so I better enjoy it while I had it. I could always go back to school, but a dancer’s shelf life was pretty limited. I could do this for a few years, and if it worked out, super. And if it didn’t… Well, back to school I could go.
Even with this decision made, I still sometimes struggled with it. The urge to do the responsible thing came often, and I often felt… Well, guilty and selfish. I often felt like two different people struggling and fighting to get what I really wanted. Conflicted, I guess was the best word.

And that night when I fell asleep next to Ella, I considered shutting off the alarm so that I’d “accidentally” miss my plane in the morning. I loved falling asleep next to her, and it hurt to think of not doing so for the next week – let alone not for weeks at a time.

I woke the next morning on time, because Ella rose before I did and woke me up with breakfast in bed.
“You have a long week ahead, you gotta get started on the right foot.” She said, laying a tray of bacon, eggs, and toast down in front of me.
“Thanks baby…” I said, again feeling a pang of guilt in my stomach. I was giving this up, and for what?
Ella then spoiled me even more when she joined me in the shower after breakfast. In fact, that almost did make me miss my plane…
We got to the airport with little time to spare, especially with all the security I had to go through. Ella and I only had time for a quick goodbye.
“I love you.” She said, pulling me down so my forehead was against hers. “Good luck, or break a leg, or whatever.” She smiled that half smile that got me every time.
“I love you too.” I said, kissing her forehead.
“Hey, don’t be worried.” She said, pulling away and looking up at me. “It’s a win-win. You make it, that’s awesome. If you don’t, you get to come home to me.”
“I’ll always come home to you.” I said, wrapping her in a tight hug.
“Promises promises.” She joked.

I hugged my Mom, who had met us at the airport in order to send me off. Ian would be holed up in his room, and my Dad was away on business. Walking away from Ella and my Mom was hard, I felt like I was leaving everyone behind and for what? I kept waiting for the excitement to hit me, and when it didn’t come, I wondered if I was making a mistake. I felt guilty and nervous and… Jumpy. I really wanted to take a drink, a shot, something to help calm my nerves, and maybe even help me catch a nap, but I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing once I landed, and I decided if I was going to do this, I would give it my all. There was no point in putting everyone through all this stress if I was just going to flake out.

It was a good thing I didn’t, because I didn’t have a second to blink once we touched down. The guilt and nerves disappeared, mainly because I had to concentrate on remembering to breath, that’s how fast paced it was. I was picked up at the airport, and rushed to the hotel, where I was thrown into a conference room turned dance studio, and immediately choreography was being thrown at me. Just when I thought I was starting to get the moves, we were called out on stage to perform. While I didn’t know if I expected to make it, I didn’t think I’d get knocked out in the first round, but now… I guess I just didn’t realize how good everyone else would be, or how hard the choreography was. While I was waiting for my specific group to take the stage, the nerves came back, and even more guilt. My Mom’s words echoed in my ears… Chloe would want me to do this. Chloe would want me to give my all. I needed to make Chloe proud of me.

Once I got on stage, I blanked out. There we lights and people staring and just so much pressure. I could feel the sweat already pouring down my back, and I hadn’t even started yet. I couldn’t remember any moves at all, and I fought back a panic attack.
But then the music started, and it seemed my body went on auto. I just moved, and for the first time in a long time I could actually feel the music in my body. When the music stopped, I did too, and I really have no recollection on how well I did. My palms were sweaty and my mouth was dry. It was over, and I couldn’t remember a single thing about it.

When they called my name as one of the ones to stay, I felt relieved, exhausted, and for once, not guilty. I was here doing what I needed to do. Everyone at home not only understood, but wanted me to be here. More than that, I had an overwhelming feeling that Chloe had been the one to help me, that she wanted me to be here.

Even though I should have been exhausted, I was running on adrenaline, so when I heard that we’d have an half an hour to eat and the back into another room to practice another routine, I was actually relieved. I felt like if I slowed down at this point, I would lose whatever magic seemed to be flowing through my veins. I ate to keep my energy up, made sure to drink some water, and then back to the room to stretch, warm up, and start all over. Then back to the stage with another barely learned routine, and to my shock, I made it again.
That’s pretty much how it went the rest of the week. There was barely any time to socialize with anyone else there. We were eating, sleeping, practicing, and getting cut. Every round I made it I was shocked and relieved, and scared and nervous… I’d tell myself that I shouldn’t get used to it, because next time I wouldn’t be so lucky. Next time I was probably going home.

But I didn’t, and the last day in California we preformed a solo that we choreographed, and then met with the producers of the show to interview with them. I was more honest that I intended to be, talking openly about Chloe, and about how hard It was for me to leave home so soon after her death – but that I knew she’d want me to not only follow my dream, but help others. I spoke of Ella, and how she inspired me with the work she did.

“Ella?” I said, calling her as soon as it was over.
“Hey you, how’s it going out there?”
“Good. I’m ready to come home.”
“I’m ready for you to be home.” She said, sighing. “I miss you.”
“Oh…” I trailed off. “Well… When I get home we need to discuss some things…”
“Like?”
“Well. I made it.”

Without you, the earth turns...

The days after Chloe’s death were a blur now. I remember going back to the house, feeling so strange and empty to be leaving Chloe behind at the hospital alone. I called work and arranged for another week off. They weren’t happy about it, but I didn’t really care, I knew where I needed to be. I worked holidays and extra hours all the time, someone else could take over now.

Then Seth pulled me into bed, and while I didn’t think either one of us would sleep, we did – for a solid twelve hours actually. I hadn’t realized how much these last few days had worn on me, I hadn’t felt just how tired I was. I woke up to Seth crying, and I rolled over and held him, neither one of us saying a word.

Chloe’s funeral was pretty simple, but I was surprised at how many people showed up. I had known Chloe was popular, but I just hadn’t realized how popular. Car loads of her friends poured in, and we set up in the back yard, picnic style. Chloe had spoken to her Mom about her funeral, and hadn’t wanted something stiff and sad. We drank, we laughed, we told stories of Chloe, and then we spread her ashes by the lake that Chloe had been swimming in only days before. It was hard to believe she was really gone, and I kept seeing her everywhere, and expected her to walk in at any second, asking who had started the party without her. She never came though, and that night it had been a lot harder for all of us to sleep.

We went home the next day, Seth breaking down on the way home so badly that he had to stop and let me drive. He waved off any effort to try to comfort him, saying simply he needed to do this – and so we let him. I kept watching for signs that he was cracking, kept fearing that what happened to Jacob would happen to him, but he acted like I would expect anyone to act in a situation like this. He did go out and get rip-roaring drunk when we got home, at a memorial service that they held for anyone who hadn’t been able to make it out to Chloe’s funeral, but it wasn’t a habit. Seth was open about his feelings and his pain. The good outcome of Chloe’s death was that Seth and I had gotten closer.

I couldn’t say the same for Drew and Christi though – they broke up shortly after we arrived home. Drew said the cracks were there before Chloe died, but that her death had made Christi realized that she couldn’t waste time being with someone she just wasn’t “feeling”. I had felt bad for Drew, and it had seemed like a sudden thing to me, but he seemed to be handling it well. With their split I had expected things to get weird between Christi and I, but actually we ended up getting closer. She took a job with me at camp for the summer, and while we weren’t best friends, I did consider her to be one of my friends, rather than just one of Seth’s friends that I hung out with when he did.

Camp went well, though to be honest my heart wasn’t in it as it had been in years passed. It used to be that when I went home on the weekends, I’d be chomping at the bit to go back – and I’d spend my weekend planning the upcoming week. Instead, I spent my weeks counting down till the time I could be home with Seth, and the weekends I dreaded because time seemed to go by so quickly. I worried about Seth when I first left, worried that he’d need me and I’d be gone, worried again, that I’d have another Jacob situation. It didn’t go like that. Seth did have his moments where he got sad, and I’d feel bad for not being able to be there for him, but he talked to me about it. He wasn’t in denial like Jacob had been. We were OK.

To be honest, it was a little strange to me, to be in a “normal” functioning relationship. I’ve said ti so many times before, but with Seth it really was natural, just so easy to be, and to be happy just being.

Camp ended, and I took some more vacation time in order to go on vacation with Seth and his family. We went back to Seth’s Grandfather’s house, and while I expected it to be a weird and sad time, it wasn’t. We thought about Chloe, and I think each of us spent some time by the lake where we had spread her ashes, thinking about her, but it wasn’t this whole depressing situation I had imagined. Chloe had been here, and now she was gone. We missed her, but we all seemed to realize the best way to honor her was to move on with our lives, and keep her alive by doing so. Toni gave birth to her twins, slightly premature, but little fighters. They were boy/girl twins, and she named them Jackson and Chloe, which Seth and his family appreciated.

The weather turned colder, and I fell back into the whole work routine. We were busy, preparing for Thanksgiving and the Holidays. Seth, however, did not return back to school as I had expected him too. He had taken the summer off classes. At least, off educational classes. Instead he took more dance classes, and when it was time to enroll in fall quarter, he decided not too. He wanted to dance, and took more dance classes, even teaching a few for extra money. This was the one place where I did feel that Seth had gone a little insane – he thought he could make a career out of dancing, and like a cynical father, I thought he should choose a more practical path. It wasn’t that Seth wasn’t a good dance, he was an excellent dancer, but how likely was he to get a serious gig anywhere? Especially in the middle of Ohio… However, I knew pushing him one way wouldn’t do anything but make him resent me, so I kept my mouth closed and hoped it was just a phase.

So to say I was not prepared for the phone call I got from him at the beginning of November was a complete understatement.

“Hey baby, how are you doing?” I answered, taking a break from the tedious paperwork I had been pouring over.

“Good. Actually, great. You got a minute to talk? I know you’re at work.” He said, his words coming out super fast and excited. I smiled, I loved hearing when his days were good.

“Yeah, I got a few. You’re saving me from some paperwork. What’s going on? You sound happy.”

“I am. You remember that audition I went out for?”

I wracked my brain, trying to think. There had been several, mostly local stuff, the children’s theatre, a few preformance groups, even a couple volunteer gigs.

“I remember a couple, which one in particular?”

“The big one, with the dizzy feet foundation?”

“What?” I asked, confused. I had no idea what the big one was, and while the dizzy feet foundation sounded vaguley firmilar, I couldn’t remember from where.

“Maybe I didn’t tell you… I honestly forgot about it myself, I sent in a video and didn’t think anything would come of it, but they called me today and they want me to fly out to california to audition.”

“Oh?” I asked, a little shocked. “What is it exactly?”

“The dizzy feet foundation… It’s run by the people from So You Think You Can Dance… They go around and help dancers especially from impoverished areas? Anyway, I auditioned for a new program they have. It’s kind of like what I do with you guys, except I would tour the country going to inner city places and places where the art’s budgets have been cut. We’d spend a couple weeks in each city, teaching the kids, and then at the end of our time there, we have the kids put on a show. It’s really awesome actually, because not only do they help by teaching the kids dance, but then the show is used to raise money for that particular cities arts program.”

“Oh…” I said, taken off guard. “How long would you be gone?”

“The audition is just a few days. If I make the tour it’s a year. Which sounds like a really long time, I know, but they give you breaks after every city so it won’t be that bad.”

“Uh huh…” I answered, not really knowing what else to say. The conversation we had had while on vacation came back – how he didn’t want a long distance thing… Would touring around the country count as long distance?

“…The most awesome part about it isn’t the pay, though that’s nice. I mean not only will I be helping people Ella, but I’ll also be working with and be seen by some pretty big deal people. It may lead to something bigger…”

“Oh that is awesome. Hey, I’m really sorry, but my boss just walked in and really needs to talk to me. We can talk about this more over a celebratory dinner, OK?”

He laughed. “Alright, but so far, there’s nothing to celebrate. It’s still a big maybe El. Love you.”

“Love you too.” I said. When I hung up the phone, I knew working was a moot point, and packed up my things to head home.

Just to keep you informed

Hey guys,

First of all, thanks for all of your wonderful comments! You don't always have to stroke my ego, but comments like that make me really happy to be back, and I appreciate them!

Secondly, I do have a second blog to keep up on baby news, and will be posting this there as well, but I know some of you don't read that one, and while I did say that this blog would pretty much be baby-news free, since it affects the blog, I thought I should post it here as well.

They have scheduled my c-section for November 30th. I was trying NOT to have a c-section, but based on some things, it may be the best route to go - however, if I go into labor on my own before then, I can try to labor and have this baby the old fashioned way. PLEASE hope that that happens! A regular birth would mean faster recovery time for me, which would probably mean less down time from the blog, so that's a win for everyone, correct?

What does the new baby mean for the blog? Well, it means the blog is going to go down again for a little bit - at least most likely. I AM hoping to be able to write ahead and schedule some posts to happen, buuuut I've been planning that all along and I haven't yet. But I'm still hoping to do so, and we DID get a laptop so that means I'll be able to write where-ever now, which may help.

I can't say how long the blog will go down, I really just have to play it by ear and see how things go. I do plan on posting when I can, so it may just mean that for a little bit we're not on a set schedule, but I will keep you informed, and I'm not quitting the blog. We just need to find our groove and I'll be back.

If I go into labor before then, a post may obviously be missed. Since we have the laptop and the hospital has wi-fi, if that were to happen, again, I'll try to let you all know (and let you know when he's here!) But please understand it's not my first priority.

I hope you all understand, and I hope it won't be TOO rocky!

...Well, I've had just enough time

The doctor waited for us all to sit down before he spoke. I couldn’t help but notice the way Chloe’s family looked at him – as if he was God. Which, I suppose in this instance, he was the closest a human was going to get to being a God.

“I don’t know how else to say this, other than to come right out with it… It’s not good. Chloe’s body is really weak from treatment, she’s fighting a pretty nasty infection right now which is causing her body to shut down – which is why she collapsed. Her passing out is another problem to deal with. She hit her head on something – most likely the floor when she fell, and she’s not waking up.”

“What does that mean, for her, exactly?” Ian asked.

He sighed. “It means that basically all we can do right now is wait and see. We’ve given her drugs to help fight the infection but…” He trailed off. “It’s up to her now. And honestly, her body is just… Tired. These next few days are going to be really touch and go, and while I encourage family members to go home and get some rest…. You all may want to stick close by. I know this is going to sound really insensitive, but if she does go, she’s probably going to go quickly – which is a blessing in a way. She’s not in pain nor will she be, but… For you all…” He trailed off again. “I’m so sorry. I’ll continue to do everything in my power. Do you have any questions for me?”

I waited a moment to see if anyone would answer, but they all looked so shell shocked. Chloe had been sick for so long, and they had gotten not great news before, they had thought they were going to lose her before. I knew what was running through their heads. Could Chloe do it again? Get lucky and pull through once again?

“No Doctor, I think everyone right now is just… Absorbing.” I answered.

He nodded. “Well, if you do find you have questions, please feel free to have me paged. And again… I’m so sorry.”

Seth nodded, his eyes blank, and as if on auto-pilot rose and shook the doctors hand. One by one, we filed out of the room, like a bunch of soldier’s in retreat. Shoulders were slumped, heads were hung. Was this really the end of it all?

Chloe had gotten a rather large private room in a quiet corner. She looked better than I expected her too. The doctor was right – she did look tired, but other than that… She just looked like she was sleeping. While the room was large, it was still too small for us all, so we quietly took over the on floor waiting room. Chloe’s family didn’t leave her room – but Christi, Drew, Matt and I would rotate in and out. The boys would leave to go home to sleep, or be our runners to get food that mainly sat untouched, but Christi and I… We never left the hospital. The days seemed to drag on, worry made time slip by like molasses. I felt like I had lived in the hospital for months, when in reality we had gotten there not even forty-eight hours before hand. Every time a doctor made the rounds, it was both a blessing and a curse to hear them utter the words “no change.” We were all walking around pale and tired – looking like ghosts who came from a surrendered battle.

On the second day, I was out on the main floor’s waiting room, letting Christi take her turn in with Chloe, and was surprised when I looked up and saw Seth watching me from the doorway.

My magazine dropped to the floor. I stood, slowly.

“Everything’s OK, Ella.” He said. “I just needed a break for a moment.”

“Oh.” I said, feeling my heart pound. I took a moment to get my breathing under control.

“Do you want to take a walk? Outside, in the real world?” He asked, smiling a small, sad smile.

“Yeah. Fresh air would do us all some good, eh?” I said, picking up my dropped magazine from the floor and throwing it on the end table.

We walked aimlessly. I didn’t ask him if he knew where we were going, and I didn’t try to press the conversation. I just walked, slipping my hand into his.

We went away from the hospital, leaving the whining sirens behind us, and towards the small town streets. Seth seemed like he knew where he was going, so I let him lead, and knew he would talk when he was ready. We walked steadily for ten minutes, before Seth stopped in front of an old Church. Again, I waited for him to make the first move. Did he want to go in and pray?

Finally, without a word, he walked into the back, where there was a small swing set. He wiped off the seat and the seat next to it – it had rained the night before and the ground was still damp. He sat, and patted the swing next to him, which I took.
“Chloe wanted to get married in this church. Every time we visited Pop’s and he brought us into town, we’d pass it. She’d say it, every time. ‘I’m going to get married there.’ She loved the look of it, how it was a little run down looking but she said it was still gorgeous. ‘It has character. Like you Pops.’ She said that EVERY time.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just took his hand and rubbed the back of it with my thumb.

“She didn’t say that this time though. We passed the church and she didn’t say a word. I should have known…” He trailed off, his eyes filling but not shedding tears. He looked more angry than sad. “She’s given up, Ella. She’s not getting better this time. And I can understand, but I’m still so mad at her.”

“Seth, it’s not over yet.” I said quietly.

“I know. I just… Every other time we’ve done this… I’ve felt something. Hope, I guess. I just knew, in the back of my brain… She’s not done yet. This isn’t over. This time, I feel like she’s given up. And if she’s given up… It’s over.” He whispered the last part, as if he was afraid to say it too loudly – afraid it would be heard and he would make it come true.

He was quiet again, and the rain started coming down lightly. He made no move, so I didn’t either, I just sat and watched his face, and couldn’t help but notice how much he looked like Chloe.

He sighed deeply. “When Chloe got sick, we used to pray all the time. We went to church and praised God for every minor victory. But then the victories… They became smaller and happened less often, and the defeats… They just got so huge and frequent. We got so battered, and I just. I gave up. I stopped praying. I don’t know if there’s a God or not, but if there is, He has his own plan, and what I want doesn’t seem to matter. Then you came along, Ella. And I knew, I knew the first second I saw you, you were different. I can’t believe you’re still here, I can’t believe how amazing you’ve been through this, and I want you to know, that even though this situation is probably the worst situation I’ve ever been in… You’re that light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“It’s not a big deal, Seth.”

“It is a big deal, Ella. You’re the only thing that I have right now that makes any sense. And actually, you don’t make sense. Because I can’t figure out what you’re still doing with me.”

“I love you.” I stated. “I love you, and I’m here because of that. But I also love Chloe, and Ian, and your parents. I want to be there for you and for all of them. And it’s true, if I had my choice right now, I’d be somewhere else, but just because that would mean that Chloe wouldn’t be in the position she’s in right now. I feel lucky to have gotten the chance to know her and all of you. And I’m still pulling for her. I just wish I could jump in the ring and take over for her, give her a break from all this.”

“I’m just so sad Ella.” He said, breaking down into sobs. “I don’t want to lose her. I love my sister, and it’s not fair.”

I got up, fell to my knees in the mud in front of him, and held him. My anger from the Kylie incident had completely disappeared, and I couldn’t believe that just a few days before I had felt weird around him. I loved Seth, and I would give anything to take his pain away right now. I had no idea how to start, so I just held him in the rain.

We stayed like that for awhile, and even though the rain wasn’t heavy, we were both soaked to the bone by the time we had gotten back to the hospital. Chloe’s nurse took one look at us and handed us both a pair of scrubs, and snuck us into the staff showers. After we got out and got dressed, we went in and sat next to Chloe for awhile. Sitting next to him, holding his hand, I knew something had changed in our relationship, and I could have sworn everyone in the room felt it too. Including Chloe, who for the first time looked as if she was smiling.

Christi took the night shift that night, and though I hadn’t slept well in the hospital, I passed right out that night, into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

I woke to Seth standing over me.

“She’s gone.”

Just wanted to let you guys that next week's posting is on the site and scheduled to come up so it will be on time. Well, of course if the internet blows up or something it won't be, but hey, at least this time it won't be my fault!

New post below.

Light does the darkness most fear

The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever, and neither Matt nor I was in the mood for talking. Personally, I had enough going on inside my head, and was also trying to pray at the same time all these other thoughts were going on. My head felt like it would explode with all the things that were jammed in there – Seth and Kylie, Chloe being sick… Was it my fault? I mean maybe I should have just let the whole Kylie thing go. Maybe if I hadn’t made such a big deal Chloe wouldn’t have gotten stressed and wouldn’t have gotten sick.

Oh please, just let her be OK.

We finally got to the hospital, Matt dropping me off at the door and going to park the car. I found Seth sitting in the waiting room, his head in his hands, and instantly my anger at him disappeared. I just couldn’t be mad at him, not when he looked so scared and lost.

I touched his shoulder, and he jumped, his eyes growing wide.

“I thought you’d leave.” He blurted out.

“Did you really think I’d leave, not knowing what was going on with her?” I asked, sitting down next to him.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “You were pretty mad.”

“I still kind of am Seth. But it doesn’t matter right now. I love you… And I love Chloe. I’m not going anywhere.”

He puffed out a breath that I hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and leaned back over, his head resting in his hands again.

“I’m sorry. I really am. I don’t know why I let her stay. I knew she was causing you stress and Chloe stress and I knew… I just don’t why I didn’t ask her to leave.”

“It’s hard to let go sometimes…” I said, echoing what Jason had said to me earlier.

“I just… I mean did I do this? It was supposed to be Chloe’s vacation and here I let someone who she didn’t like come stress her out… And for what?” His voice cracked. “To be honest, I didn’t even want Kylie there… I just couldn’t tell her to leave either.”

“It’s not anyone’s fault Seth.” I said, rubbing his back. “Chloe is sick. I think… I think sometimes we forget that because she looks better, or maybe even because we want her to BE better so badly. But she’s very sick Seth, and unfortunately these things happen to people who are sick. You didn’t cause it, and all you can really do is just hope she gets better.” I was quiet for a moment, wondering if I should tell him the conversation Kylie and I had. I didn’t want to tattle on her, and I also didn’t want to cause him anymore stress, but in the past when I kept my mouth shut, it just came back to bite me in the ass.

“I did… Um. I did kick her out, though.” I said. He looked up at me, and I couldn’t decipher the look in his eye, so I continued speaking fast, hoping to get it all out before he blew up at me.

“I know, it’s not my house and not my place, but I asked her if she wanted to come to the hospital and she just said some not nice things, and you don’t need to know what those things are… But I just kind of snapped and I told her to get out.”
He was quiet for a long time, and I worried that I had made him angry.
“Seth, I’m sorry if I crossed a line.”

He waved me off. “You didn’t. I just… I love you, Ella. And again, I’m really sorry for even…” He trailed off.

I let that sit between us for a moment, absorbing it. Things with Seth had gotten pretty serious pretty quickly and now… I don’t know. Now I was feeling slightly uncomfortable with it. Maybe it was just because I was still a little angry at how he had treated me with Kylie, and maybe I didn’t want to let it go so easily… I couldn’t put my finger on what I was feeling, but was that really such a surprise? So much had happened, my emotions were in a tornado. I chalked it up to stress and decided to let the whole thing slide for now.

“Have you heard anything?” I asked, finally breaking the silence.

“Her vitals were decent when we got here. Not great. She had spiked a pretty high fever – which makes me feel even more guilty because chances are she wasn’t feeling well and decided not to tell anyone.”

“That’s not your fault.” I interrupted.

“Maybe it is. I mean with everything else going on…”

“It’s Chloe, Seth. She wanted to have a good time. She didn’t want to get babied.”
He nodded. “Other than that, we don’t know much. They took her back and wouldn’t let me go. She still wasn’t awake… The doctor thinks she may have fainted and when she fell, bumped her head which caused her to pass out. Which is a whole other problem to worry about – how badly did she hurt herself when she fell and all that.” He shook his hand. “It’s such a mess, and I feel so useless. All I can do is sit here.”

“Seth, what you’re doing is not useless. If you weren’t here, Chloe would have no reason to fight, and would have given up a long time ago.”

He just nodded, and I wasn’t sure if he was really listening to me or not. I didn’t know what else to say, so I left it alone, sitting in silence until Matt joined us. I quietly updated him on what we found out about Chloe.

“Where are Christi and Drew?” He asked, and I realized for the first time that I hadn’t seen them.

“They’re trying to find a hotel room nearby. Mom and Dad won’t want to stay at the house – it’s too far. I doubt they’ll leave at all, but usually if we have a place that’s close I can talk them into leaving for a shower or a nap or something, so they went to go get one.” Seth answered.

I had never really spent much time in a hospital. True, I had visited Chloe before, but that was usually after she was settled, when things were at least a tad bit more calm, a little less touch and go. After this experience, I was convinced hospitals were some sort of strange torture device. The smells, for one, were interesting to say the least. There was nothing to do – which I wasn’t expecting go-karts in the middle of the floor or anything, but the walls were pretty blank, the magazines were ripped and old, and the TV was set to some fishing channel – and really, who watches fishing? I realized we weren’t there for a party, but there was nothing to do to attempt to distract yourself at all. The clock seemed to tick louder with every passing second that we didn’t hear news.

Chloe’s parents arrived along with Ian, and we still hadn’t heard anything – not for lack of trying. Seth had been up to the nurses desk every ten minutes or so, but they all told us the same thing – no news yet. The first time Seth came back, I tried to tell him that no news was good news, but he shot me a look that told me to keep my cliché’s to myself.

Finally, just as I was about to suggest a break to the cafeteria, the doctor walked out, a tired look on his face – that had to be good, right? Tired meant he had been working hard, and if he was working hard that meant there was something worth saving, right?

“Can I see the immeadiate family please? We have a conference room right over here.” He asked.

I stayed in my chair as Chloe’s parents, Ian, and Seth rose. But Seth reached around and tugged my hand.

“You too, El.” He said quietly.

I shook my head – this wasn’t my place. I wasn’t going to butt in.

“Please.” He said quietly. “I need you.”

I looked over at Chloe’s Mom – I really didn’t want to intrude on something so personal, but her eyes smiled. I looked at Ian – the most private one of them all.
“Ella, you’re family too.” He said, which almost made me break down right there.
So I rose and took Seth’s hand in one hand, and Chloe’s Mom’s hand in the other. She linked hands with Ian, who surprised me by linking hands with his father. Together we walked, a human chain, hoping that if the news wasn’t good, somehow with us being together like this… It would be easier to absorb the blow.

Yup - another postponement

Sorry guys, I'm going to most likely have to postpone this weeks posting AGAIN. I'm getting pretty frustrated with things, and I do have to thank you so much for being patient with me.

I had the entry written and ready to go - but my husband uninstalled and re-installed to "fix" the computer and now my WHOLE apathy file is MIA. My husband thinks he'll be able to find it - we'll see. I'm going to give him a chance to look, but if he doesn't find it by thursday I'll just have to re-write it and then try to re-save all my info from the blog. Latest it'll be up by friday.

So sorry again. The good news is, we are looking at new computers, and I may be getting a laptop which would be SUPER nice and would help me be able to write more - since I could take it to the bedroom and stuff.

Again, I apologize SO much. It's been such a pain in the ass.

I'll stand by you

I had seen Chloe sick – and even been there a few times when we thought we were going to lose her, but I had never been there at the moment it started. Seth bolted into her room, and I followed quickly on his heels, but stopped dead in my tracks when I got to her door. I always thought I’d be good in an emergency, and had proven it many times when the kids had an accident. But seeing Chloe laying lifeless on the floor… It took everything I had not to freak out. Because I was trying so hard not to be a spaz, I remained frozen.

My brain was working though, and screaming at me all the things I SHOULD be doing – but I just couldn’t move. Chloe looked dead, but I didn’t know for sure that she was. If I moved and touched her and found no pulse, my fears would be confirmed. If I just stood here, as dumb and in the way as I was, frozen, my brain screaming at me.

Seth, however, was already in action. I didn’t know how he did it. Sure, he had been in this situation multiple times before, but did that make it any easier? I mean, wouldn’t it make it even scarier, knowing you had been lucky so many times before? Would this be the time Chloe’s luck and health ran out?

I jumped a mile in the air when I heard Seth call my name.

“Ella, it’s alright, OK? She just passed out. Go get my cell phone and call my Mom, let her know we’re taking Chloe to the hospital and I’ll call her as soon as I know what’s going on. Matt, get one of her pill bottles and call the doctor on it. I’m taking her into the hospital.”

“What about an ambulance?” Matt said, moving for his phone.

“I can get her there a lot faster, just call her doctor please and let him know we’re going to Mercy General, OK? And Ella – go. I need you to do this.”

I unfroze long enough to nod and feel guilty. Here I was freaking out when Seth needed me, and he was calm as a cucumber. I felt even worse when Christi walked in, and seeing the scene, sprung into action.

“I’ll grab her medication list and be right behind you.” She said, moving towards Chloe’s bag.

I shook my head quickly, rather than feel sorry for myself or be jealous of other people, I needed to do what Seth asked me to do. I needed to be there for Chloe any way that I could be, so I walked into Seth and my room and grabbed his cell phone. I dialed the number before I had a chance to think about how I was calling Chloe’s mom that she was sick but none of us knew what was going on. I was about to hang up and rehearse what I was going to say when her voice clicked on.

“Hey Seth, how’s it going down there?”

“It’s Ella…” I was startled at just how shaky my own voice sounded.

“Oh no. What’s wrong? It’s Chloe isn’t it…”

“I… I don’t know what happened. Seth and I were talking and then Matt came in and when we saw her she was on the floor. Seth left, to take her to the hospital, he said he’d call you as soon as he found out anything…”

“I knew I shouldn’t have let her go, she wasn’t feeling good… I just…” She trailed off, then took a deep breath. “Thank you for calling sweetie. Please tell Seth that I’m going to call his Daddy and we’re going to head on down. If he hears anything, we’ll have our cell phones.”

I was going to protest her coming down, and I almost told her that it wasn’t that big of a deal, when I realized… It’s not like Chloe fell and broke her arm. She passed out. We don’t know WHY she passed out. In reality, it could be a very big deal, and if it were my daughter…

“I’ll let him know. I’m heading over to the hospital now, so he’ll have his cell phone back if you need him.”

“Thanks for calling hon.” She said, her voice soft. “And hang in there, Chloe’s a fighter, I’m sure she’ll be OK.”

We got off the phone, and I realized how silent it was – creepily so. I wondered if I was the only one left in the house or not. Then, I also realized that Chloe’s Mom had comforted me, and again felt like an ass for not doing more.

However, I also realized again, that feeling inadequate wasn’t going to help anyone else at this moment, so I quickly got up and reached for my bag that I had been packing. I shook out all my clothes, and filled it with a few things for Seth and I. I assumed Chloe would have to stay at least overnight at the hospital, and Seth would want to stay with her, so I wanted him to have some of his stuff to try to be comfortable. I also knew as long as Seth was there, I would be there. I may be angry at him, but I would be there for him – to run and get food he wouldn’t eat, to nag him to get some sleep, and just be his punching bag.

I also ran into Chloe’s room and to grab a few random things – I’m not sure she’d want or need them, but I knew things like her head scarf and her worn blanket brought her comfort. I was expecting the room to be empty, and was a little surprised to see Matt sitting on her bed, head in his hands.

“You OK?” I asked, dropping the bag and sitting next to him.

“Did you see her? She looked dead. I thought…”

“I know.” I said, cutting him off. “I thought so too, but she’s not so now we need
to get a move on, OK?”

“I don’t know what to do, Ella. I mean I called her doctor like Seth asked, but I just don’t know what else to do.” He shoulders were slack, and I knew he felt hopeless. “I really like her. And I thought I could handle her being sick, but I just didn’t realize…”

“I know.” I repeated, trying to keep my voice level and calm. “But you don’t have to make any decisions about any future relationships right now. Besides, just because you like her doesn’t mean she likes your dumbass.” I said, bumping his shoulder lightly with mine. “I feel pretty helpless too, but I know I need to be there – and so do you. Chloe keeps on fighting for us, you know. We should be there to cheer her on in her fight. I know it’s not a whole lot, and yeah it does make you feel pretty helpless, but I for one plan on doing whatever I can do – even if it’s not much.”

Matt nodded. “You’re right. I just was wrapped up in my own head for a minute. I’ll go get the car and drive you to the hospital, OK?”

“Alright.” I answered. “I’m just going to grab a few things of Chloe’s and I’ll be down.”

As confident as I may have sounded with Matt, being in Chloe’s room alone spooked me a little. To be totally morbid, at this moment, she could be gone, and I could be standing in a dead girls room. Insensitive of me to think this way, yes, but I couldn’t help it when my mind went in that direction. I quickly grabbed some things and shoved them in the bag, running out of the room and down the stairs.

And smack dab into Kylie.

With everything going on, I had totally forgotten about her, and I assumed everyone else did as well.

“Did they tell you what was going on?” I asked, out of breath. I wasn’t sure why I even bothered, but I thought Kylie would want to know.

“I figured it out. Chloe always pulls this shit when I’m around. She hates for anyone else to have the attention. I’ll just wait here for them to come back.”

I was stunned, and raised my hand to smack her, but luckily was able to stop myself before I connected.

“You need to get out.” I said instead.

“This isn’t your…”

“You need to get out right now, or I will call the police and tell them I caught you trying to break in, and before you say that story won’t fly, think again, because I have another witness willing to back me up out in the car right now – and if you think he won’t, he will after I tell him what you just said to me. You just crossed a big line missy, and if I thought you were worth it, I’d put you out of this house right now, and trust me, it wouldn’t be fun for you. But I have other places to be – important places, with people who are far more important than you. Get the fuck out right now, and don’t you dare come back.”

We stood toe to toe for a moment, and I thought maybe I’d have to make good on my threat. But suddenly, without warning, Kylie turned and walked out the door. I was stunned in place for a moment, not thinking it would be that easy, but then quickly followed her out, watching her peel off in her car.

Ugh - every week it seems I'm messaging you guys about a possible late post. I'm so sorry, stuff just keeps popping up! This time it's not really my fault per say - and it may not even happen - but our computer seems to be dying. It's running SUPER slow lately and doing some weird things and my husband thinks it might kick the bucket soon. He's run several different virus scans, as well as updated the memory and deleted some programs and a bunch of other computer mumbo jumbo that I don't understand, but not a whole lot seems to be working. As of right now, we're still on for a new post Wednesday - but if for some reason the day comes and goes without a post from me, it's probably because something happened with our computer. It's really old and my husband has kept it going for a long time now, it may just be time to lay the poor thing to rest. So if I go MIA, please assume that is the reason - and if I can I'll try to post via my phone so you know for sure.

Also - I saw someone posted asking me to change it so the actual dates show on the posting. I will try that, but I'm not sure if I can or not. It may just be the layout I selected, and I would change the layout but again, my computer is going way to slow for me to play around with that.

Hopefully nothing pops on and the computer will hang on for a few more weeks and by that time maybe we'll have saved enough to get another one. But again, just wanted to give you a heads up in case something does happen :-)

I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you

I heard him call after me, and I shouldn’t have turned around, and I’m not sure why I did, but I did. Kylie had spun around, but was still leaning on the counter. Seth’s back with to her and a small smile played on her lips. For a second, my mind flashed to grabbing the knife next to her and slashing her face – that’s how livid I was.

“It’s not… She…” He ran a hand through his hair. “She got into a fight with her fiancé, I let her crash on the couch.”

“Even you know how weak that sounds Seth.” I snapped.

“It’s not weak, it’s the truth!” He yelled back.

“You know what the truth is? Yesterday afternoon you were in here bitching about how you hated her. You used the word hate Seth, and that’s a mighty strong word. And not even twenty four hours later she’s standing in the kitchen wearing your shirt and smiling at me like the cat who ate the canary. Everyone knows what’s she’s trying to do – why do you think they’re high tailing it out of here? Nobody wants her here, except for you apparently.”

“Oh, I was just supposed to kick her out last night?” He answered.

“YES Seth. Because you don’t talk about how you HATE someone and then welcome them into your home – especially when it’s at the expense of people you actually like.”

“You know, I am standing right here.” Kylie piped up.

“Oh I know.” I answered, glancing at her. “But I’m talking to him, not to you. I have nothing to say to you.”

“But you’re talking ABOUT me.” She said, rolling her eyes. “And if Seth doesn’t want me to leave, I don’t have too.”

“You’re right. Totally right. You don’t have too. But I don’t have to stay either, and I’m not going too. I’ve done this whole song and dance with exes before and all that jazz, and I’ve ALWAYS tried to be the bigger person. But not this time. Not with someone who clearly has ulterior motives. I told you Seth, it is clear to everyone else that she just wants you back. And it’s also clear just how uncomfortable she makes everyone. I’m going home. I told you this morning, if you want to get back with her, that’s all fine and good with me. Good luck to you, because from your past, it certainly sounds like you’ll need it.”

This time when he called me, I didn’t turn back around. I headed for my room and I started packing my things.

I was on edge, wondering when he was going to come up and try to talk to me, the longer it took, the more relieved I got, and the more angry. If he wasn’t upstairs with me, he was downstairs with her. I had meant what I said earlier – if he left me for her, I would know he got what he deserved, but I still had feelings for him, and I still would feel sad for myself.

Lost in my thoughts, my phone went off, and I jumped about a mile in the air. I glanced at it curiously – anyone who would call me was here, with the exception of Toni, my parents, and Jason. Glancing at the caller ID, I saw it was the latter, and had to smile despite myself. Did this boy have some sort of sixth sense that picked up on whenever I was fighting with my current boyfriend? Maybe the fates were trying to push us back together.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hey, I didn’t expect you to answer, being on your fancy vacation.”

“Then why’d you call me?” I asked, moving into the bathroom to gather my things.
“Your voicemail and I have a thing going on. It likes it when I check in on a regular basis.”

“Oh really?” I said, smiling despite myself. “You want me to hang up and not answer so you can reach her?”

“No, no. I’ll just call back later and talk to her. What’s wrong? You sound tired. I thought a vacation was supposed to make you all well rested.”

“This one’s not going as planned. I’m actually heading home now.”

“Uh oh, what happened?”

“Ex-girlfriends. What is it with me and guys who have ex-girlfriends who are psychotic and pop up all over the place?”

“Well. I mean you do carry your own share of ex-boyfriend drama.” He pointed out.

“Yeah, I know, but the one thing I can say for you guys is none of you have ever stepped into a relationship to create drama. You may not have helped the drama that was there – but you never intentionally created it.”

“So what happened?”

“He ran into his ex at a grocery store. Came home all pissed off, ranting about how he hates her, but then she shows up and he just lets her stay. She was even here this morning when I woke up! And it’s clear she makes EVERYONE uncomfortable – Christi and Drew are leaving as well, and I get the feeling Chloe will probably tag along too. I just don’t understand it at all. If he hates her so much, why is he letting her stay? Especially at the risk of losing everyone else? I mean it’s not just me. She’s pissing off EVERYONE.”

Jason was quiet for a moment, and I thought I had lost him. But then he spoke, so quietly I had to strain to hear him.

“Sometimes you can realize that it’s not going to work out with someone, but it doesn’t mean you stop having feelings for them. It’s hard to let go sometimes.”

I wondered if he was talking about us, but I didn’t really have the guts to ask. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know. There was always a part of me that wondered if Jason and I would get back together, and I knew hearing him admit that we weren’t right for each other would kill that off. I wasn’t sure I wanted it dead.
I realized though that maybe that’s how Seth was feeling. And while I still didn’t like it – nobody liked hearing that their current boyfriend had feelings for an ex – I could also understand it. I mean hadn’t I just admitted to myself that I still held out a little bit of hope that Jason and I would get back together? If Seth knew that, wouldn’t he be upset by it?

But, in my defense, I didn’t let him know that. When Jason was around, which was very rarely, I didn’t hang all over him and flirt with him, and wear skimpy clothing. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that you were only capable of having feelings for one person. I believed you could fall in love many times, and when you fall in love, you never fall fully out of it again. I was more upset by the fact that Seth was allowing Kylie to be so disrespectful to me, our relationship, our vacation, and our friends.

“You still there?” Jason asked.

“Yeah, just thinking about some things…” I trailed off.

“Well. I better let you go. Just wanted to call and say hi.”

“Oh. Hi.”

“Hi.” He said, laughing. “Just, talk to him before you throw in the towel, OK? You really seemed to like him, and he did seem like a good guy. I mean if you can’t make it work, you can’t, but you do have a tendency of walking away rather than trying to work things out, El.”

“Alright.” I agreed.

Just as we hung up, Seth entered the room.

“Look Ella…” He glanced at the bed. “You’re really leaving?”

“Yeah. I have things to do at home, and I’m not having any fun here. There’s no point in staying and making myself miserable.”

“Ella…” Seth started.

“No. Don’t. You’re not going to convince me to stay. Look, I understand where you’re coming from. I have been in the position before where I cared for someone who I shouldn’t, and I knew I shouldn’t, even when I had someone else around that I cared just as much for. It’s a tricky spot. But you’re allowing her to be so disrespectful to me, to us, and to our friends, and because you’re allowing her to do so and not saying anything to her about it… Well, now YOU’RE being disrespectful. I get it, you’re the nice guy, you like to be nice to everyone, you like everyone to get along. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. Sometimes you have to let people go.”

“Really? I mean I’m sorry Ella, but shouldn’t you take your own advice?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.

“Letting people go? Who were you on the phone with just now? Jason. Your ex who cheated on his wife with you!”

“How did you know I was on the phone with Jason?” I asked, getting angry.

“I was outside and…”

“And you were listening. Oh, I really can’t believe you. Didn’t you tell me you’d trust me until I gave you a reason not too? And when have I EVER given you a reason not too? You can’t compare the Jason and Kylie situation, at all Seth, and you KNOW it. When Jason was around, he didn’t try to hang all over me and flirt with me. When Jason was around I didn’t hang over a counter wearing nothing but a tee shirt showing my ass off to the world. Jason being around didn’t piss off everyone and their Momma, and if it had, I most certainly wouldn’t ignore it. You keep trying to turn this shit back around on me Seth. Grow up, be a man, and own up to it – you fucked up. If you want to be with Kylie, then be with her. But if you want to be with me, you need to kick her to the curb, and admit that it’s NOT because she’s your ex girlfriend, but because she is a girl who is after you and doesn’t care who she has to walk on to get to you.”

I looked at him, so angry I could spit, wondering if I even wanted him back. I did love him, but really was any guy worth this? He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it when we heard a loud thump. A second later, Matt ran into the room.

“You gotta come quick. It’s Chloe.”