So you had a bad day...

Matt sighed. “We’re doing this, really Ella?”

“Well, we either have this argument now, or we wait until it finally explodes, because we both know that neither one of us is happy with the other, and I just don’t really want to have to tiptoe around my house, walking on eggshells, waiting for the shit to hit the fan.”

“Do you want me to leave? Is that it?” He asked, his voice rising.

“No. When and if I want you to leave, I will tell you. But, in case you’re wondering, if things keep going on like this, I will be asking you to leave. I’m not going to feel like an intruder in my own home.”

“You don’t have too. I’m looking for a new place. I’ll be out of your hair soon.” Matt shot back.

“Matt stop turning this argument into something it’s not. I’m not trying to kick you out, I’m trying to figure out when and why you started being such an asshole.”

“I just don’t get how I’m being an asshole Ella. Because I’m dating someone so soon after Kellie? I never cheated, I’m single. I do feel badly that she showed up when Kellie was here, but that wasn’t intentional. Or maybe it’s the fact that you don’t like Amber so you’re taking it out on me.”

“I never said I didn’t like Amber.”

“No, you didn’t say it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell.”

“I won’t say I like Amber, but I can’t really say I don’t like her either. I don’t KNOW her Matt. And while I do think it’s a little shady that what, mere hours after you broke up with Kellie you’re with someone else, you’re right. You’re single, you didn’t cheat, you can do whatever you want. But you can’t say that you didn’t act like an ass when Amber showed up. I know you didn’t invite her over, but you didn’t ask her to leave, did you? You didn’t even leave Amber to make sure Kellie, you’re invited guest, was OK. All you did was blame me, and yell at me for something I didn’t even do. But you know what? I’m glad you dumped Kellie, cuz she sure as hell doesn’t deserve a prick like you.”

“Ella you just need to shut up, because you don’t know shit. And, you also have no room to talk. Couldn’t the same be said about you and Drew?”

“What do you mean?”

“That Drew’s too good for you? You didn’t tell him anything about Jason, did you? He had no idea that he’s runner up. And once you ruin him, like you ruined Jason, you’ll throw him out. Isn’t that what you do?” Matt’s face was turned into an ugly sneer.

“Now YOU need to shut up Matt, because YOU don’t know anything. “
“I think I know way more about you and Jason and Drew than you know about my life.”

“I can’t deny that, because the more I see how you’ve been acting lately, the more I realize I don’t really know you. I thought you were a good guy, Matt. I know good people make mistakes sometimes too, but you aren’t willing to own up to any of your mistakes, you’re deflecting and blaming and making yourself look more and more like a jackass every time you open your stupid mouth. I wanted to know you, Matt. I really did. I thought you’d make an awesome friend, and now? I just can’t wait until you’re out of my life. I was hoping something had gotten into you, a mood, a funk, it happens to the best of you. But, now I’m starting to see that this is just how you really are. And I have no desire to know this person at all.” I crossed my arms, and sat back, waiting for him to go off on me. Instead, he slumped down on the couch, his head falling into his hands.

“You’re right.” He said, not looking up. “You are so right. I just… You ask me what’s wrong, what’s gotten into me, and I just don’t know. The breakup with Kellie… It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I know I’m not in love with her anymore, so I thought moving on would be easy. I still miss her, and I don’t understand that. I know I don’t want to be with her, but I still miss her, and that confuses the hell out of me. Then there’s Amber, and the mess I’ve gotten myself into there.”

“What’s going on with her?” I asked, sitting down on the edge of the couch. I felt bad for Matt, and it was amazing how quickly my anger disappeared, he just looked, deflated. Defeated. Beaten.

He sighed, picking his head up, but still not looking at me. “I met her at the gym. We flirted, but Kellie and I were still together so that’s all it was, flirting. She just seemed like a party girl, and so when Kellie and I were officially split, I thought she’d be someone fun to hook up with. I mean, I know it makes me sound like a jerk, but that’s what I wanted. I’ve never had that, Kellie and I have been serious for what feels like all my life. I’ve never cheated, but also never hooked up with some random girl in a bar, had a friends with benefits relationship, or a one night stand… I’m not sure if I wanted any of that, but I knew I just wanted to have some easy fun with a girl I got along with.”

“So what’s the problem?” I asked, feeling my anger bubbling up again. I didn’t like hearing about Matt with Amber. Part of it was that I did feel a connection with Kellie, I liked her and I felt like Matt was betraying her. Another part was I thought Amber was a skank. She rubbed me the wrong way and I just couldn’t put my finger on what my issue with her was, but I knew I had a big one.

“She’s becoming really serious, really fast. I have no idea what to do with her. I mean it started when she asked me to Thanksgiving at her house. I thought she was just doing it to be nice, you know? She knew I wasn’t able to go home, so she thought I’d have nowhere to go. But then she pops over with her cousin who I just had to meet? Then she begs me to go with her to take her cousin to the airport, and her whole family is there waiting to meet me, telling me they’ve heard so much about me… I mean it’s really freaking me out.”

“I mean, what did you expect Matt?”

“I don’t know. I mean she knew I was dating someone when we first met, and when I broke up with Kellie I told her I didn’t want anything serious. I told her that multiple times… I just thought she’d get it.”

“Well. Are you sure she’s trying to get serious?”

“She saw me searching craigslist one day for apartments. She asked me to move in with her.”

“Wow.”

“I know.” He sighed. “I know I’ve been a jerk lately, and I’m sorry. I really am. It’s like, I knew I was being an ass, I knew I was wrong, I just didn’t know how to stop being one. I’m not sleeping well because I’m thinking about Kellie and how I do miss her, and what that means exactly, and then I’m worried of Amber and what to do… I feel like there’s no reason to have a break up talk, we’re not IN a relationship, but then what do I do? Just ignore her calls? That just seems kind of mean and cowardly. So, I’ve been irritable and on edge and it’s not an excuse, because nothing has been your fault and still I’m taking it out on you… I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK. I just wish you’d talk to me about this stuff, you know? It would have made the whole thing easier.”

“I know. It’s just… I mean you’re with Drew now. And you’re happy. I didn’t want to dump all this on you, you just got over your own relationship issues, it’s smooth sailing for you, and you deserve that.”

I laughed. “Sometimes because it’s so easy, it makes things complicated. I have a tendency to over-think things.”

“Well don’t do that.”

“You should know that’s easier said than done, buddy. It’s like the whole Kellie thing. Of course you miss her, she was a huge part of your life for a long time. You’re going to miss those moments. Just because you’re not in love with someone anymore doesn’t mean you stop loving them too. I mean, I miss Jason, but I know I shouldn’t be with him. You just move on. I think Kellie will be a part of your life again, just give it some time.”

“Yeah. You’re right. But what about Amber?”

“I think you just need to tell her that you feel like she deserves a real relationship, and you can’t give her that right now. You’re still raw from a recent breakup, and you need time and space to get your head back on straight.”

“What if she says she doesn’t want a real relationship?”

I paused. “She might do that. Some girls do. They hope by sticking around long enough the guy will see how amazing they are and will change their minds. I guess if she does that, it’s really up to you. Either you can say you need space for you, or you can continue hooking up with her. I mean if she says she wants just friends with benefits, then it’s really her own fault if her heart gets broken.”

“That’s still not going to make me feel any better if her heart does get broken.”

“Yeah. I know. But the thing I’ve learned through this whole Jason mess? You just can’t control what people choose do to with their lives. You can only decide what to do with yours. If you like Amber enough and want to hook up with her, and she agrees to it? I mean…” I shrugged.

“You ever done the whole friends with benefits deal?” He asked, blushing slightly.

“No.” I paused. “Well. I mean, in a way, I guess you could say that’s all Jason and I ever did. The friends with benefits thing. But I didn’t knowingly agree to it. And I don’t think I ever would.”

“Why not?” He asked, sneaking a sideways glance at me.

“Someone always gets their heart broken. In all the cases I’ve seen, it’s always the girl. It’s just not worth the risk to me.” I said, shrugging. I patted him on the knee. “Alright. Let’s go get some food. I’m suddenly really hungry.”

Whatever Wednesday: What'd ya get?

So. It's after Christmas, and everyone's asking this question, so I will too: What'd you get?

Our Christmas was probably one of the best I've ever had. It did have a few bumps, things that annoyed me, and it very easily could have turned out to be the worst Christmas ever. But, I was determined that since I worked so hard to make it a good Christmas that I wasn't going to let anyone elses bad attitude suck me down.

We'll start with the bad, so that we can get that out of the way and end on a good note. I went over early on Christmas Eve (where we had our first family party) to my Mom's house to help her clean and cook and all that good stuff. My brother was there and was no help what-so-ever. Not only was he no help, but he was actually in the way. When I asked him to do something, I was told flat out no (and it wasn't like I was sitting on the couch eating bon bons and asking him to scrub the kitchen floor.) When I went to vacuum the floor he seriously said to me "you're going to do that now? I'm trying to watch Beverly Hills Cop." ...People were coming in a hour, he has a TV in his room where I wasn't vacuuming, I was pretty much like, really? Then I asked him to bring up an extra chair from the basement and he told me it was too heavy. He had crap to say when I brought the chair up by myself. Then he left with my cousin to go get some weed.

Merry Christmas, right? The icing on the cake was when I asked him to help me catch my Mom's 3 cats to put them in the basement (my cousin was coming and is HIGHLY allergic) And again, he flat out told me no. He hadn't done anything that day. I not only cleaned my own house, but cleaned my moms, rearranged the furniture, and run a billion errands (one of which was for him.) Then my sister comes home from work and has a huge attitude, and starts ordering my brother around, which of course starts a fight between them. My sister's complaining about how the house looks a wreck (we had 9 people in my mom's house, which isn't huge. We had just finished eating, so yeah, there were plates scattered around. I mean it was a party, things get a little messy.)

My sister's gift to me also pissed me off a little. I mean it was a gift, so I can't really complain, she didn't HAVE to get me anything. But I did bust my ass taking her shopping the day before Christmas Eve (so places were CRAZY!) I also went out on Christmas Eve to get her a visa gift card that she HAD to have, which I thought was a gift for someone but later turned out was so she could order a pair of jeans for herself. I wrapped her gifts for her... I mean I busted my ass, and I watched her not only spend a lot of money on people, but also search for gifts they'd really like. What does she give me? A 20 dollar bill. Merry Christmas! It just hurt my feelings because NO thought was put into it.

It's hard with family because sometimes you really just want to strangle them. My brother and sister are both older than me, but sometimes I wonder who's more mature. I have my own moments, don't get me wrong, but this Christmas I was so done with them. I tend to have a guilt complex where I can't really say no to anyone, but next year I'm not doing it. Buy your own gifts, wrap your own crap, take care of your own shit. I have my own family to worry about. And, I'm just the kind of person who I don't mind helping you out as long as you seem grateful for the help. I don't even think I got a thank you from my sister for doing all of that for her. And if I said that to her? I KNOW she'd answer with "Well, you didn't HAVE to do it." And she's right, I didn't, which is WHY she should be grateful. I mean I know if I don't do it, it'd end up on my Mom's shoulders, who has plenty of her own crap to do.

The last thing that bummed out Christmas is the most trivial. I didn't get what I wanted. My period actually came the day after Christmas. So. I'm bummed but at least my period is coming pretty regularly, which makes it easier to know when's the best time to try. Now my next period is due a few days before my birthday, so I'm hoping I'll now get a positive test for my birthday. It'll mean the new baby's birthday will be right around Cayden's, I found out I was pregnant with Cayden a few days before my birthday. So. We shall see.

The only other thing that made me angry was of course, my in laws. They didn't get us anything for Christmas, which is totally fine, and I mean that. That's not what Christmas is about. I complained about my sisters gift because I would have rather had something she spent 5 bucks on but thought a lot about than to just be handed a 20 dollar bill, or even something she spent no money on but made or something. The thing that ticked me off about my in laws? They asked for gifts. And that just seems SO rude to me. I mean of course we were going to buy them gifts, but I just think that if you know you're not going to be able to give gifts, you don't ask for one, ya know? I'm not even sure we got a thank you for the gifts we gave them. They didn't help at all when they were here for Christmas, didn't really socialize. Finally, before they left they said "Well, when are you going to bring the baby up to the house?" Which, I was like, OK good, they're making an effort to see him. Jeremy said he didn't know, we could try to work something out, which was followed by "Well, OK, we just wanted the TV from the basement moved upstairs." They didn't really want us over there, they just wanted Jeremy to move crap around for them.

The good about Christmas: There was so much good about Christmas. Seriously. I mean my sister and my brother annoyed me, as did my in laws, but like I said, I worked SO hard on making this a good Christmas. My Aunt came to Christmas Eve, which was REALLY nice. My Aunt is an alcoholic and had a falling out with my Mom (I may have explained it before, I'm not sure.) But anyway, a lot of times my Aunt will say she's coming to something and then not show, and so it was just really nice that she was there. And I love seeing her with my son, she's so funny and loving. So, it was nice to have her there.

It was nice to spend time with my family in general, really. My Mom really appreciated all the help I gave her, and the food was amazing, which is always nice. Everyone loved the gifts I gave/made, which made me feel really good.

Christmas morning was the best. We spent it with just me, Jeremy, and Cayden in the morning, and at first I was bummed that my Mom wouldn't be there to watch him open up gifts, it was just, really nice to spend the morning with my own little family. Sometimes being with my own family makes me a little sad, just because it's weird, ya know, to spend your whole life doing certain things with certain people and then all of a sudden you're branching off into your own deal. (Does that make sense?)

Cayden did get spoiled this year. I keep telling myself I have to watch it, because I don't want him used to getting everything he wants, I don't want him to be spoiled. But, I think any parent can tell you, sometimes it's hard to hold back, especially since this was really the first Christmas where he gets it.

It was hilarious though, when he finally got the whole opening gifts thing. At first I would hand him a present and have to help him, and he wouldn't understand why I wanted him to tear paper off a box. But he started to see what was under the paper were toys. It was hilarious because we found a little tikes pick up truck (kind of like the cozy coupes? The little cars that you scoot along with your feet?) at the thrift store for 15 bucks. He saw it, loved it, got in it and was playing with it, and then spotted his last presents. He got out of the car, ran over to it all by himself, and started opening it. He stopped halfway through to look inside and went "OoOoo" I know Christmas isn't about the gifts, but it made me so happy to see him so happy.

So. The famous question: What did you get? Well. I got a lot more than I was expecting too. My brother got me the Bop It game, which sounds like an odd gift but I actually really wanted one. I'd play with them all the time in the stores, but it was one of those things that while I wanted one, I couldn't justify spending my own money on it. So I was really happy with that. My Mom went overboard. She bought me my new phone about a month ago, I got it early though. Then she bought me a snuggie, which again, sounds lame, and when they first came out I thought they were lame, but they're actually super awesome and I'm glad I got one. She also got me a sapphire heart necklace with diamonds that I wanted. Sapphires are Cayden's birthstone, and it's funny/weird because my engagement ring is actually a sapphire on either side of a diamond. While my husband and I got married while I was pregnant, we were engaged months before I was, so there was no way of knowing that sapphire would be our baby's birthstone. Cayden was also actually supposed to be an October Baby, so his birthstone almost wasn't sapphire. So. I now have a thing with sapphires. There's actually a wedding band that I hope to get some day that is sapphire/diamonds which would match my engagement ring. I'm not huge on jewelry but I love my sapphires. She also got me a new journal and actually put 75 dollars in it, which was REALLY nice of her. I also love the fact that I got a new journal, I used to keep one all the time and I've stopped for awhile. It'd be nice to pick it up again.

Jeremy said he wasn't giving me a gift, but went out Christmas Eve and got me one of those foot spa things, which I wanted. We ended up taking it back though, because it didn't heat up the water like it was supposed too. Still, I was surprised that he got me a gift at all! My cousin got me an amazing gift, she bought me a gift card to Jeni's, an ice cream place around here that I'm obsessed with. It's a little expensive but SO good. Then she got me a gift card to go to the spa with her, which I am SO excited about. I think I'm going to use it to get a fancy hair cut. I've never had a "real" haircut, where they give you a consultation and all that, so you don't know how excited I am. I may even wait till hubby gets paid again and also get some highlights. I'm not sure.

We did Christmas at my husband's Aunt and Uncle's house Sunday, which was a lot of fun. I love that part of his family so much. His cousins are SO nice and super interesting. His Aunt and Uncle gave us a walmart gift card, and his cousin gave us a visa gift card, and his other cousin gave us a history channel dvd, which is super awesome because his cousin is really into Native American history and that kind of stuff and is actually in the movie as a reinactor (is that the right word to use?) So I'm actually really excited to go watch it.

I believe that's all. I got a lot of things, and I'm so lucky and blessed. We went shopping after Christmas and were able to get a lot of things on mark down that we're saving for holidays or birthdays or next Christmas, so I'm actually ahead of my shopping once again!

So, how was your Holidays? What'd you guys get?

I guess the whole point of it all is that we never know really

The next day I was honestly too busy to breathe, let alone think about Jacob, which was probably the best thing that could have happened.

I was excited about starting a new camp season. It really was my favorite job. Sure, it got hot and the kids got annoying, but they pretty much paid me to be outside, playing all day. How could it get any better?

I had been anxious though, about meeting the new staff. Camp could be a lot of fun, if everyone pulled their weight and did their job right. However, a lot of people think that they did get hired JUST to play. And while a lot of our job WAS about playing, it was also work. We were supposed to be the adults, we were supposed to set the rules and make sure the kids followed them, we were supposed to be responsible. Some counselors forgot about that part and only focused on the playing part. That was where things could get tricky.

I usually was pretty good about reading people. Most of the camp staff I was excited to work with. There was Jessica, a gorgeous tiny girl with shiny black hair and perfect dark skin. Her eyes were a deep chocolate and her smile was wide, easy, and white. I could tell she was up for having fun, but was also no nonsense. There was Amanda, who we joked was the token white girl (every year at camp we ALWAYS got someone who was really “white”, your stereotypical “Oh-my-Gawd” valley girl. They were always nice, but usually only lasted one summer. I was the exception. My first year I had been the token white girl, and I had stuck around.

Anyway, Amanda was blonde hair, blue eyed, but pretty average. She came paired with her boyfriend Derrick, who seemed nice enough. His reddish blonde hair reminded me of Jason, and his blue eyes matched Amanda’s. He seemed almost too nice, and I did wonder if they’d be able to keep the kids in line.

Then there was Jeremiah. I found out later that he was Jessica’s brother, but they seemed to be polar opposites, the only thing linking them together was their smile. However, while Jessica’s seemed easy and welcoming, Jeremiah’s seemed sly, like the cat who ate the canary. He should have been good looking, and you could tell he thought he was, but his features just didn’t match. His body was small, and he was short, but muscular. Even though his body was small, his head was slightly still too small for his body. His eyes were set too close together. Just talking to him left a bad taste in my mouth, and I could tell already we would have issues with him.

There was Bethani, a short, slightly chubby girl. I wasn’t sure how I felt about her. She was bubbly, and seemed excited to be there, which was a good thing, but I could also see her eyeing the guys, and I knew a lot of the counselors came looking for summer love, which usually spelled disaster.

There were a few regular staff members who would be back, and Ed had brought two of his friends on board. There was Patrick, who looked kind of like Jesus, a skinny white boy with long brown hair and kind brown eyes. I knew there would be no issue with him, he had worked with kids before, and I trusted Ed’s judgement. Last was a guy who was named Ted. We called him Ed’s twin, because he seriously looked just like Ed, only he was white. It was even more hilarious that his name was Ted, which sounded so much like Ed. They were both huge guys, easy to laugh and joke. I was really excited to work with them.

After the new staff left, I had to stay longer, helping with the accreditation paperwork, and to start roughly planning some activities for camp. I had left my phone on silent so it wouldn’t disrupt the meeting we had earlier, and forgot to turn it back on. I was shocked when I got back to my car and saw that I had seven missed calls from Jacob. Fearing it was an emergency, I didn’t bother to listen to the messages, I just called him back.

“Hello?” He answered, sounding chipper and awake.

“Hey?” I ventured carefully.

“Hey! Where you been, I’ve tried to call you.”

“I had a meeting this morning. I told you that when we talked.”

“We talked?” He sounded confused.

I suddenly was beyond pissed. “You don’t remember?” I said, working to keep my tone even.

“Sorry hon. The boys and I went out last night and I guess I drank too much.”

“Damnit Jacob, that’s the story of your life lately, isn’t it?” I snapped.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. Forget about it.” I knew if we got into this right now we’d end up in a really big fight. I was tired and on edge, I didn’t want to deal with it right now.

“No, Ella, tell me.”

I paused. “It’s just, Jacob. Whenever I talk to you lately, you’re drunk. And then the next day you have no idea what we talked about. This morning you bit my head off and I was worried we were breaking up, and now you tell me you don’t remember it at all? It’s really stressful for me.”

“Well it’s been really stressful for me too Ella. I’ve had a lot going on, I’m just trying to blow off some steam is all.”

“I know, but I’m just worried about you.” I answered.

“Nobody else is, so you shouldn’t be either. I’m fine, Ella. Just having some fun, is all.”

“Alright.” I said, still feeling uneasy.

We got off the phone a few minutes later. I was feeling slightly deflated, and also extremely worried. I knew I couldn’t deal with another sleepless night, I was exhausted as it was. I decided to call Jason and get his opinion on the matter.

“Hey El, what’s going on?” He answered.

“Not much… Have you been around Jake lately?”

“We’ve hung out. Why?” He sounded evasive.

“Jason, tell me what’s going on with him?”

“What do you mean?”

“I just… Should I be worried?”

“About what Ella?”

“Stop answering my questions with question. Should I be worried about anything? He’s just been acting so weird lately… I mean I know the whole thing with Michelle is affecting him, but he’s just drinking a lot.”

“Ella shouldn’t you be talking to him about this and not me?”

“You’re hiding something. Tell me what.” I couldn’t hide the desperation in my voice.

“Who says I’m hiding anything? This just isn’t my relationship. It’s yours. Why are you talking to me instead of him?” He sounded a little hostile, and a lot annoyed.

“Jason, I’ve tried to talk to him. He tells me not to worry. But I am worried. You’re there, and I need you to tell me. Should I be worried?”

He was quiet, and for a moment, I thought he had hung up. Then he sighed a long, partly disgusted sigh.

“Yeah. If I were you I’d not only be worried, but also pissed off.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, panic gripping my stomach.

“Ella. It’s not my place. And with our history, I should not be getting in the middle of this. But I want you to know, as bad as it got between us, I would have never treated you like this, and you shouldn’t let him either.”

“Jason…”

“Ella, I’m not going to say any more. And if you’re my friend, don’t ask me too. This is an uncomfortable position for me to be in already, OK?”

I was quiet, the pain in Jason’s voice shook me. He was pretty good at hiding his emotions, and it was clear that for some reason, whatever Jacob had done had rattled him.

“Thanks Jason.”

“Just… Talk to him, OK. Don’t let him back down, don’t let him tell you things are OK. Ask him just what, or who he’s doing while he’s partying. I’ve gotta go.”

“Wait, what do you mean who…”

The phone clicked. Jason had hung up on me.

I didn’t know what to do. Jason pretty much told me that Jacob was cheating on me. On the one hand, I knew Jason was jealous of Jacob and my relationship. Jason may not want me, but he also didn’t want anyone else to have me. Still, Jason wouldn’t lie, would he?

I was just so torn. Jacob didn’t seem like a cheater, but he had also been acting really weird lately. And, who’s to say he intentionally cheated? If he couldn’t remember calling me in the middle of the night, would he remember hooking up with someone? Is that even cheating? I knew it wasn’t right, but I also know it wasn’t as bad as intentionally cheating. Jason also wasn’t usually a liar. But, if he was jealous, or mad at me, well. There’s no telling what he would do. Still, he had seemed really upset by the whole thing.

My head was spinning, and I had to really concentrate on driving home. My thoughts were at war with each other, and I didn’t know what to do, or where to start, or who to believe. I wanted to go back to how things were, I wanted to concentrate on another fun summer at camp, I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to believe my best friend, and I wanted to believe my boyfriend.

I wasn’t able to wait until I got home to call Jacob back. I also knew this wasn’t a conversation to have while I was driving.

“Forget something?” Jacob asked, laughing.

“We need to talk.”

“Oh Ella, didn’t we just go over this?” Jacob went from sounding cheerful to annoyed.

“No. We didn’t. You didn’t give me any answers, Jacob, and I’m not doing this. I’m not sleeping, I’m stressed, and damnit, I’m trying to be supportive, but I have a life too. I have things to do, and I just can’t keep being so worried all the time.”

“So don’t be. Nobody asked you to worry about me Ella.”

“I worry because I care about you, Jacob. I thought you cared about me.”

“I do care about you Ella.”

“Then why are you getting drunk and hooking up with girls who aren’t me?”

Little Note:

Hey guys-

This isn't as good as I'd like it to be, but I did literally take all week off and not write anything expect the Whatever Wednesday. We ended up having a really good Holiday, but it also lasted into the weekend (we had Christmas with Jeremy's Aunt, Uncle, and cousins, whom I love. It was made even better by the fact that my mother in law was "sick" and didn't go.) I didn't have a whole lot of time to write and I was kinda in a block, but I didn't want you guys to have to wait even longer for another post. As of right now, I'm still planning on posting New Years Eve and New Years Day, so we should be back on track.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

Even at my worst my best was you

The Barbie twins spent the night. I was too tired to be angry when I stumbled out of bed in the morning to head out shopping with Drew and saw their car was still in the driveway. Matt’s car was gone, so I assumed they accompanied him on his shopping mission. Originally we had planned to go together, but after the spat Matt and I had in the kitchen, I told him he could hit Toys R Us at midnight and then do Wal-Mart after, and I would go to Kohl’s and Target. It meant I would have to use my own money and have the agency reimburse me, since Matt would take the agency credit card, but I didn’t care. Spending my own money was better than having to deal with him AND the Barbie Doll twins.

I knew Matt and I would have to have a talk. I didn’t know if this was the real him, and the person I had known before was just an act, or if something had gotten into him, but I wasn’t going to share my house with this type of person. He would need to shape up or get the hell out. I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation, I didn’t really hold my temper well and I didn’t want it to erupt into an argument, but I knew the longer I waited, the worse it would get between us.

Still, I did put it off for the weekend. I wanted to spend time with Drew, and so I decided to try my best to avoid Matt as much as I could.

Friday we spent shopping literally, all day. While I didn’t love to shop, I didn’t hate it either, and I often enjoyed doing it, but I had still never shopped that much in my life. We started at about four AM, we didn’t end until way past that. I was beyond exhausted, in fact, if I had been any more tired by the end of that, I would have been asleep. The combination of fighting the crowds and the walking and the lack of sleep did me in. Still, we got a good deal of shopping knocked out for the agency, and saved them a lot of money, which means more money able to be spent on the kids. And, I happened to also get a good deal of my shopping done. While I obviously couldn’t shop for Drew with him with me, I made a mental note when he eyed something so I could go back later and look at it. I loved Christmas, I loved finding the perfect gift for someone and watching their eyes light up, it sounds cliché, but I really did enjoy giving more than getting.

I was relieved to pull up in the driveway to see that the girl’s car was gone, but I couldn’t explain why I was so upset at the fact that Matt’s car was missing too. I was geared up for a fight, I knew that. I knew I was annoyed, and I knew I was looking to pick an argument with him. I sent a prayer up that Matt would just stay away until Drew left. Drew, of course, had seen me flip out and argue before, but that was different. That was when we were just friends. While I felt really comfortable around Drew, I also didn’t want him to see me at my worst like that. I wanted to be the best possible person I could be for him.

It was a little confusing though, to be with Drew sometimes. First of all, everything was just so easy, and so natural. I know that probably sounds like a good thing, but it left a lot of room for worry and over thinking. I wasn’t used to things being easy, and I know it sounds stupid, but I wasn’t really sure what to do if I wasn’t arguing and worrying over what was going on. When we were together, it was easy. When we were apart, my mind wandered. Could this be too good to be true? Would it be this good forever?

We did spend the rest of the weekend drama free. Matt popped in and out, but really didn’t talk to me, and I didn’t speak to him either. Drew and I spent the weekend lounging around, not going anywhere, just spending time with each other, cuddling on the couch, kissing, laughing. Again, it was a nice change of pace, for everything to be so easy. I didn’t have to think about what I said before I said it. Jason had been so… Sensitive, that I couldn’t really ever be sure what would set him off. And Jacob… Well. Drew actually reminded me of how it was with Jacob, at least when things were going good. But, Jacob had his moods, and while my relationship with him had been good until the end, it had been filled with drama.

I was really sad when Sunday came, all too soon of course. Drew had a work thing the next weekend, and the weekend after that, Jason would be in town.

We stood outside his car, kind of like we had the weekend before. His arms were around my waist, I laid my head against his chest, breathing him in.

“Don’t go.” I whined.

“I don’t want too.” He said simply.

“So don’t. Move in.” I was only half joking.

I heard him chuckle. “Are you serious?”

I looked up at him. I didn’t know if there was hope in his eyes.

“Kind of.” I said, shrugging. This was another hard part of our relationship. Drew and I knew each other already, but I could never tell if our relationship was moving too fast. I mean we had only technically been dating a week, which was obviously too soon to move in together. But again, Drew and I had also known each other for a long time.

“You don’t think that’s a little too soon?”

“I don’t know.” I answered honestly. “I just know it sucks having you so far away.”

“I know. I don’t like being that far from you either. But, I just… Don’t want to ruin this, you know?”

“I know.” I answered, laying my head back down on his chest. I knew he was right, but I was still sad.

“Hey.” He said, lifting my chin with his finger. “It wasn’t a no to moving down here. And it wasn’t a no to moving in. I don’t think moving down here is such a bad idea. My Dad’s gotten over the shock of the divorce and is going out again, and Mom… She’s living it up too. There’s really nothing keeping me there, and there’s everything here. But, I think first things first. I move here, not in with you. We’ll see how that goes and then we can look at maybe taking other step. I just think it’s easy for us to move really quickly, but again, I’m afraid if we do, we’ll wreck this. And I want this, Ella. I want you.”

Do you see what I mean by things being easy? He knew exactly what I was thinking. He knew exactly what to say. And I believed him. Drew could tell me the sky was green, and I would believe him.

I nodded. “So… You’re really going to move here?” I said, smiling.

He smiled back. “I only signed a six month lease. So. It’ll be up in a couple months, which gives me time to find a new place and a new job here. If I happen to find a new job here first and have to move in with you for a couple weeks, I think that would be OK, don’t you think?”

“Sounds perfect!” I said, pulling away from him.

“Hey, where you going?” He said laughing and pulling him back to me.

“I need to get the want ads!”

“You need to talk to Matt about it first too, Ella. Make sure he’s OK with me staying here for a couple weeks, if it comes to that.”

“It’s my house.” I said, becoming annoyed.

“I know.” His voice soothing ruffled feathers. “But, you asked him to move in first. He has to live there too, and I just think it’s only fair to ask him if he’s OK.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass what he thinks.” I grumbled.

“Ella. Play nice.” He warned.

I didn’t say anything.

“Ella…”

“Drew, just don’t push this one, OK? I’ll handle it. I’ll be as nice as I can be. But, the fact of the matter is, Matt is acting like an asshole. And I’m not going to ‘play nice’ with someone who treats me like crap.” I snapped.

I watched his face freeze. It was pretty much the closest we got to an argument since we started dating. I wondered if he was thinking what I was thinking, that I had played nice with Jason, who treated me like crap for too long. I wondered how often he thought of Jason, if he wondered how much Jason crossed my mind. I wondered if Jason was always going to be between us, if we would ever talk about him, if I should tell Drew what had happened between us.

“I should go.” He finally spoke, licking his lips.

“Don’t, Drew. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap, it’s just…”

“No.” He cut me off. “You’re right about Matt. Maybe he does need a kick in his ass. I do appreciate you not fighting with him while I’m here though. But, I just need to go. I don’t want to, but if I don’t leave now it’ll be really late before I get back and I have to make up some hours early with Dad.”

I nodded sadly. He had already pushed back his leaving time, I knew I couldn’t make him wait any longer.

We kissed goodbye, and while my heart was sad, I tried to comfort myself with the fact that in a few months, Drew and I would be able to see each other whenever we wanted. I decided to go inside, wrap gifts, and then head online to try to get a few job tips for Drew. I didn’t know if he’d want to continue to do landscaping or maybe try something else. Landscaping gave him a really nice body, but it was something he did because his father wanted him too.

I was happy to walk into an empty house. Matt had disappeared with Amber a few hours ago, and I was glad to have the house to myself. I had planned on holing up in my bedroom so I wouldn’t have to see Matt. Again, I knew I would have to talk to him eventually, but. Not tonight.

I let Cumulus out and spread out my wrapping supplies on the living room coffee table. I knew I was starting early, but with everything I had to do with the agency to get ready for Christmas, I really needed to stay on top of my own stuff or it wouldn’t get done.

I had just finished wrapping one gift when I heard Matt walk in. Great. I strained my ear, trying to hear if he brought Amber home with him. I still couldn’t figure out if I liked her or not, but something about her did rub me the wrong way, and I couldn’t put my finger on why.

She wasn’t with him. I didn’t know if I should be relieved because I wouldn’t have to deal with her, or upset because now I had to deal with him. I decided I couldn’t live like this, loathing being in my own house. I decided to bite the bullet.

“Matt!” I yelled.

“Yeah?” He answered, popping his head into the room. It was the longest conversation we had had in days.

“I think you and I need to talk.”

“OK.” He said, walking in and plopping down on the couch. “What’s up?”

“What is your problem lately?”

Whatever Wednesday

You're probably like, "What the hell, Laura?!? You bail all week because you can't find time to write, but here you are wasting time on a Whatever Wednesday???"

Well. Yeah. I thought I was going to have time, actually. My husband proved to be quite useful while stuffing pillows, so that job got done on Sunday. Then I decided to add a homemade present for my Aunt and my Cousin at the last second, thinking that was going to take me the rest of the time to do. I actually worried about finishing them for a second. But, they too, went quicker than I anticipated (I made them bags using the leftover backing to the pillows, and I decorated with scraps left over from Cayden's old baby clothes. I'll have to upload pictures, I think they're super cute.) and I finished them Tuesday. I thought, well, maybe I'll have time to write up a post, maybe hit them with a special double whammy post for a Holiday present.

Obviously? That didn't work out. I forgot about my sick son (Monday morning he woke up and hated me. No joke, he didn't want anything to do with me. He woke up earlier than normal and I was trying to let Daddy sleep, but as soon as he saw it was me and not Daddy, he screamed his head off. I thought, OK, we'll say good morning to Daddy and once he gets breakfast, he'll be fine. No dice either. He screamed his head off and actually slapped me in the face. Daddy came downstairs, I nursed some hurt feelings while making him breakfast. Cayden repeatedly broke through the barrier to get upstairs while Daddy was showering. Daddy turned on Handy Manny and distracted Cayden while he snuck out the door. Then Cayden fell asleep for ten minutes in the car while I took my sister to work, and pretty much refused to go back down when he got home. But, at least he liked me again!)

He's kinda weird with his moods. He wakes up REALLY grumpy, but then as he's awake for awhile he gets back in his normal mood, a little clingy, but OK. I just wish I could give him something, ya know? If he has what I had, I know his throat is killing him. I can't give him a cough drop to sooth it, he won't take any honey from us, and I looked at those suckers that are supposed to sooth throats? I don't think they do, their first ingredient is corn syrup, and according to my husband who's worked at a pharmacy all his life practically, there's nothing in them to help. I almost wanted to buy them because they would at least make me feel like I was doing something. But, I said no to wasting four bucks on a bag of suckers. (It also helped that I remembered the sucker incident from before. I gave Cayden a sucker in his car seat to keep him happy on the way home from somewhere. When I went to take him out, the kid was covered in sucker goo. I mean sticky hands and face I can handle, but this kid had it EVERYWHERE. Legs, feet, his hair looked like it had gel in it. It was pretty horrible.)

Honestly, I love my son, but he's been a holy terror. He's either really clingy, really grumpy, or in full out destruction mode.

I also forgot about cleaning my house. Which is a HUGE undertaking. My house isn't dirty, but it is ALWAYS messy. It's just damn near impossible for me to clean when Cayden's awake, and when he's napping? I want a break too! We also needed to throw out a couch (it took up a LOT of room, and was kinda beat to hell. My Mom is giving us hers until we can buy a suitable replacement.) So now I have to clean up all the crap that was shoved under it (it's Cayden's job to shove stuff under couches, I think.) It also doesn't help that our house is tiny. Two bedrooms, one and a half bath (I know, that sounds nice to someone who only has one bathroom. But the bathroom? Is seriously so small I think it may be impossible to turn around in.) a TINY kitchen, useless dining room, and a living room. And my husband? Won't admit it, but he's a pack rat. He's got TONS of crap. Tools that he never uses, kitchen appliances that he never uses, because we probably have seriously two feet of counter space and the kitchen is so small that if you open the fridge door it blocks the entraces. Two people in the kitchen? Is REALLY cramped. I've BEGGED him to take some of his kitchen stuff and tools to his parents or my Moms, just to store in the basement. It's REALLY nice stuff, stuff I'll be glad to have when we have room to use it, but right now it just takes up SO much space. We did get rid of a bunch of Cayden's toys, to prepare for all his Christmas toys, which is a help. But it's just, we have all this... stuff, crammed in. Along with three adults (kinda. My sister was staying with us, now she's mainly with her fiance who lives two doors down) a dog, three cats, and a baby. So even when it IS cleaned? It looks cluttered. And I'm cramming even more people into it for Christmas. Why? Because I'm insane. Everyone wanted to watch Cayden open his gifts but I didn't want to lug his presents to someone elses house. So we'll have my in laws, my Mom, my Aunt, my two cousin, my brother, the baby, and me and Jeremy. My sister and her fiance claim not to be coming. We'll see.

So. Why am I chatting with you instead of cleaning? Because, overhauling the living room took two days. And not two days of half assed cleaning either. I cleaned while Cayden was napping, I cleaned after he went to bed. Monday I was up until 2:30 cleaning, I started at 8:30 when Cayden went to sleep, last night I was only up till Midnight, but Cayden had a freak out and was up for hours. I'm tired, and I'm still not done. I haven't touched the kitchen, haven't even looked at the dining room, and while I kinda started on one of the bathrooms, there's still upstairs to be concerned about. How come my house seems so tiny until I go to clean it? And I'm still not even done with the living room. It's just little stuff now, all the crap we piled on top of the book case and computer desk because I had no idea where to put it. The furniture is rearranged, the carpets are vacuumed and shampooed, stuff for the most part is put away, and I'm still not done.

So, again, why am I here, writing this, and not cleaning? Because I REALLY don't want to clean anymore. I mean I'm not normally one of those people who LIKES to clean. With my son it's hard to see a point in constantly picking up toys. My sister likes to pick them up when he goes down for a nap, and me, I'm kinda like... He'll be up in two hours, he'll dump them all back out, what's the point? I'll pick them up when he goes to bed, and we'll have a few hours of being able to walk on a clear floor. Even as I type he's finding random things on bookshelves and such to throw on the ground. It's frustrating to put this much effort into something and watch it all go to hell in a matter of minutes.

I want to thank you all, so much, for your understanding though, when I decided to take time off. I know, I write for fun, and no one will die if I were to quit the blog tomorrow. But, I did sort of make a commitment to you guys, and I want to uphold that commitment for as long as I can. I don't like to be let down, therefore I don't want to let anyone else down. You guys have been great, as far as listening to me vent about various things, and supporting me in my writing. I say it over and over, and I hope you all now how genuine I am. You guys are the best, and I appreciate your kind words and support. Thank you, so much.

I hope you all get what you wanted, this holiday season. I hope you all are well, I hope you're surrounded by Family and Friends. I hope that you had a good time. We put ALL this work into preparing for something, and it's easy to get stressed. But I hope you all take time to relax, breathe, and enjoy it. Even if I don't get anything this Christmas, I'm really excited about it. My family together always means lots of laughs, this is the first Christmas where my son is semi-aware of what's going on, where I get to play Santa, and even though I have my moments where I forget how lucky I really am, I am feeling very blessed right now, and I hope that feeling continues on for awhile.

Alright, well. I have things to do, and procrastinating is only going to make me more stressed.

Hey guys-

I think I'm going to take the next week off. I'm really sorry, but this weekend is going to be a lot of running around trying to get last minute finishing touches on things, I'm still sick (this damn cold is clinging to me.) And now Cayden's also sick with my cold. I also have a few homemade presents to finish up (I'm making pillows for the Grandparents out of some of Cayden's old baby clothes. I sew by hand. I had a sewing machine and just kept breaking it, so even though it takes me longer, it's a helluva lot easier for me.)

It would help if I had some written ahead, but I don't, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to get to it this weekend or not. I'm trying to use Cayden's nap time to work on the projects, but he's also sleeping pretty crappy since he's so clogged up.

I am in a much better mood though, if that makes you all feel any better, lol. The people at my Mom's work collected money for her to help her replace the gifts. Again, it's not really about the gifts, but I'm just amazed that so many people would give money to her when they didn't have too, and it makes me feel so much better to know that there are more people out there willing to give and do something... More than the right thing, if that makes sense, than there are people who steal someone's Christmas gifts with little over a week till Christmas.

Anyway, you guys can check back, and I MAY have something posted, I just don't want to make any promises when I really don't know. But I will for sure be back the monday after Christmas (the 28th, I think it is?)

FB: And if I tried to save him, my whole world would cave in. It just ain't right

Jacob called daily and still had his calm demeanor whenever I talked to him. I worried so much about him, that I actually called Sandy. Everyone thought it was weird that I took his “normal” behavior to be so unusual, but it just rubbed me the wrong way. I knew he cared about Michelle, so why wasn’t he falling apart at the seams? Why wasn’t he acting upset? It just didn’t seem right.

I was actually relieved, when he finally did crack.

It was the day of Michelle’s funeral. Or technically the day after, because my phone didn’t ring until two o’clock in the morning. His voice was so full of tears, it took me a second to realize he was also slurring his words. He was drunk.
“I dream about her, you know.” He said, in lieu of hello.

“Oh really?” I asked, trying to ignore that pang of jealousy that hit me. It was stupid, being jealous of a dead person. “What about?”

“We’re at her apartment, and I can smell smoke, but I don’t say anything. Then we see the flames, and she’s trying so hard to put out the fire but I don’t help, I don’t even get off the couch. I want too, I think in my head that I should, but I don’t. Then the next thing I know, I’m in a fire truck, and I’m the one driving. I know we’re driving to her house, and I’m trying to speed, but then all of a sudden, the breaks aren’t working right. I have to pound down on them to get them to work and it takes awhile and I’m going too fast. I get up to her house and she’s outside, but I can’t stop and I hit her with the truck.”

“Wow.” Was all I was able to say. Toni said to be there for him, and I wanted to be, but I was just at a total and complete loss on how to be.

“Do you think there’s a hell, Ella?”

I thought for a moment. “Yeah. I do.”

“Do you think she’s in it? Because I overheard my Aunt talking to my Mom. She said it was such a shame that Michelle did that, because now she’s in hell. I mean according to the bible, she’s right, right? Killing yourself is a one way ticket down south, isn’t it?”

I panicked. I was not qualified to be talking about this stuff. “Um…” I hesitated.

“It just hurts even worse.” He said, his voice slurred and thick with tears. “I thought I’d get to see her again someday. But now… I don’t know. I mean I hope I won’t, at least. I don’t want to go to hell.” He sounded so childlike, my heart broke.

“I do think there’s a hell, but I don’t think Michelle’s in it.”

“Why not?” He asked, his voice skeptical.

“I think hell is a place reserved for people who aren’t sorry for the evil things they did. I think Michelle… Well, I think she would be sorry she did it. I think she would be sorry for the people she hurt. I think a lot of people who kill themselves do it because they don’t know what else to do, they don’t know how to fix things. If they saw another way out, they’d take it, but they’re so sad, that they don’t. I think God knows that. I think He forgives them, and if He does, then He wouldn’t send them to hell.”

He was quiet then. So quiet that I would have thought he hung up on me, if I hadn’t heard his breathing. Finally, in a voice so quiet, I almost didn’t hear it myself, he spoke.

“Yeah. I think you’re right.”

He made me sit on the phone with him that night until he fell asleep. He said he missed me, and wanted to fall asleep with me. He said I could fall asleep too, but I stayed awake, wanting to be there in case he needed me again. When I heard his breath go slow and even, I called his name a few times, when he didn’t answer me, I hung up the phone, snuggled down into the blankets, and proceeded to toss and turn until the alarm rang the next morning. Needless to say, I was pretty much worthless at work the next day.

Then, the next day, Jacob had flipped back to his old calm self, and made no mention of the night before. In fact, when he called me the next day, he apologized for forgetting to call me the night before.

“It was just a long day, Ella. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I just kind of passed out.”

“You did call, Jake. Really late. You don’t remember?”

He laughed a little. “No. I guess I don’t. I did drink a little bit, so maybe that’s why. I didn’t say anything embarrassing, did I?”

I wasn’t sure if he really did forget what he had said, or if he was embarrassed and wanted to have an excuse for acting the way he did. There was no way I was going to find out, so I decided to just let it go.

“No, not really.” I answered.

Jacob quickly changed the subject after that, focusing instead on the trip I planned to make after camp was over. I had bought my ticket, and Jacob talked on and on about what he wanted to do when I was here.

I was still worried about Jacob. He was still for the most part acting totally normal and had gone back to the base in California, but I would get three AM phone calls every weekend, and he would always be upset and drunk. Sometimes he’d talk about Michelle, sometimes he wouldn’t. However, with all the stress of getting ready for camp going on, I was already exhausted and putting in extra hours at work, losing more sleep to crazy phone calls didn’t help matters. Still, I knew I was supposed to be there for him, so I continued to pick up, continued to try to calm him down, and more often than not, continued to sit on the phone with him until he fell asleep.

One night though, I missed a call. I’m not sure what happened, if I had forgotten to take my phone off silent from a meeting earlier in the day, or if I was just so tired that I blocked out the phone ringing, but in the morning I woke to a sobbing voicemail from Jacob, where he went on and on about how everyone he loves leaves him, and asking me repeatedly to tell him what was wrong with him.

I called him immediately, despite the time difference. I had to get to the bottom of whatever was going on, I had to fix it. The phone rang and rang, but he didn’t answer. With panic in my gut, I couldn’t help but think of how the phone sounded when it rang and rang and Jake was trying to reach Michelle. I kept calling, until he finally picked up, sounding groggy and a little hung over.

“Hello?”

“What the hell is going on?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I got a phone call from you in the middle of the night last night. I didn’t hear it, and you left me this voicemail…”

“I’m sorry, I was drinking with the guys, I didn’t know I called you.”

“Jake… I think we need to talk about what’s going on with you.”

“There’s nothing going on, Ella.”

“How can you say that? You don’t talk about Michelle at all…”

“I don’t NEED to talk about Michelle. I don’t know what kind of guys you’ve dated, but most men aren’t all touchy feely with their emotions and junk. She died, I miss her, but being sad and crying all the time isn’t going to bring her back. I’m OK.” He sounded really defensive.

“And you’re drinking an awful lot…”

“I don’t drink anymore than anyone else here. We all do it. It’s how we unwind. I’m a freaking Marine Ella, the job’s a little bit more than stressful.”

“Then why are you calling me at three am, drunk and crying every weekend? If everything is OK, and everything is fine, why are you doing that?”

“I don’t know, I’m drunk!” He yelled. “People do dumb things when they’re drunk, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, I obviously don’t even remember what I did! Jesus, why can’t you let it go?”

“Because I’m worried about you. Because you’re waking me up every weekend night and I want to know what’s wrong!”

“If you’re so concerned with your sleep Ella, I’ll just take your number out of my phone and you don’t have to worry about me calling at all!” He yelled. “Now be concerned with my sleep and leave me alone!” With that, he hung up the phone.

I sat in my bed, knowing I needed to get ready for work, knowing we had our first camp meeting with all of the staff in an hour. On a normal Sunday, I could have laid in bed all day, but this Sunday… I needed to get up and go. I just felt so… Empty. So unmotivated. I knew I was hurt by what he said, but I couldn’t make myself get upset. Or cry. Or anything. I just was so lost, and I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know if this meant we were breaking up, and I didn’t know if I even really cared if we were breaking up. Long distance relationships were already so hard. Dating a marine was harder, but dating a marine with issues? I felt like since even before the start of our relationship, we were constantly dealing with things, with no real time to enjoy just being together. It was exhausting.

Still, I knew that I was falling in love with Jacob. I wasn’t sure I was ready to give that up yet.

Note

Hey-

To be honest, I wasn't going to post today. I feel worse than I did yesterday and I'm still sad and pissed off and stressed. But you guys have left such nice comments, and really, it's not your fault. Whenever I've had rough times, you all have been very supportive, and I know I keep saying it, but I REALLY appreciate it. I know a lot of blogs have had issues with dramatic readers, so either I'm doing something right, or I just managed to snag the best readers, cuz I can't say it enough, you guys are just so supportive and amazing.

The thing with my Mom's house being broken into... She did file a police report. She doesn't have renters insurance. I just really want her to move the hell away from there. She personally lives in a nice neighborhood. Her neighbors are nice and friendly, and they obviously watch out for each other, it was after all my Mom's neighbor who called and told her she saw someone on her porch (and no, I don't think this woman is the one who stole from my Mom. She's like, 800 years old.) But the set up is weird. One block up is Parson's Avenue, a not nice area where my sister and I were flashed and my brother was jumped and mugged. One block over though, is German Village. A really nice, affluent neighborhood.

I just keep trying to tell myself that whoever took those presents must have really needed them. But, like someone else said, it still doesn't make it OK. My Mom has had her share of "down on her luck" times. We used to live in the bottoms, which is a really not nice area. The crackhead who lived behind us tried to steal our boxed air conditioner out of the window while it was running. There was a time when my Mom couldn't afford to feed us anything other than hotdogs (I don't remember it, but my Mom sure does. She cries whenever she tells the story, thanking God that we loved hot dogs) I'm not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me, we got out, we were lucky, but to let you know, my Mom has been there. And she's NEVER stolen from anyone else to get out. She busted her ass, put herself through nursing school while taking care of 3 young kids, and got out. She never stole. Never.

Last year Jeremy and I had each been through surgeries, we had a new baby, we were broke and we were tired. We couldn't afford to give each other or anyone else gifts. But, we didn't steal. I know at least we were lucky in the sense that the adults understood why we weren't giving gifts, and Cayden was too little to realize he wasn't getting anything other than the necessities (diapers. Formula. Bottles.) I know it's got to be hard to have a child who expects Christmas and not be able to give it to them, but I still would not steal from someone else's child to give to my own. I would honestly take Cayden to where people have less than we do, a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, to volunteer, so he could see and be grateful for all we do have.

Anyway, we're still lucky that Cayden doesn't really know what's going on. And we really did get him a lot of stuff. It just hurts me the most because my Mom is so disappointed. However, my husband, bless his heart, went out to Toys R Us this morning at 6 AM and managed to get another zhu zhu pet and accessory. My Mom about cried when I called to let her know that we had it. We found another sit and spin at the thrift store, and got it for her to give to him, we found a ball pit on craigslist that we're going to pick up, and my cousin is going to buy a new Chuck the talking truck and give it to my Mom as her Christmas present, so my Mom can give it to Cayden.

I really do appreciate the suggestion to add my paypal account to here. Right now, I think we've managed to have most of it under control. I would ask that if you have some extra money, and you want to give it, go buy a toy for toys for tots or something. There's still time to donate to them. However, if you all don't mind, I may add my pay pal account after Christmas. I don't want anyone to think that they HAVE to give me money or anything, I realize times are hard for everyone, and I would never put this site up for paying people only. But, times are rough for everyone, being a stay at home Mom doesn't pay well, and as I said before, it looks like my summer camp job will not be happening this year. So if people don't mind (and don't feel pressured into paying) I will post it.

And I'm sorry for not titling the last post. I don't really feel well (although I obviously felt well enough to sit here and type all this out. Geesh I hadn't realized it got so long!) to search for a song lyric, my brain is full of crud right now. Hopefully tomorrow's post will be up on time. It's only halfway done, so I'm hoping to suck it up and bang it out and then take the weekend to rest up and shake this cold off.

And again, everyone, thank you SO much for your kind words and everything. I hope you all have a very happy Holiday season.

Untitled

As soon as Kellie entered the house, she went to Matt’s room, where she had been staying. Matt had given her his bed and had bunked on the couch. She shut the door.

“What’s going on?” Drew asked, raising an eyebrow, looking confused.

“Kellie and Matt were dating.” I said, keeping my voice hushed, not wanting Kellie to overhear me talking about her and Matt’s problems. “They broke up not too long ago. I’m pretty sure Kellie came here to kind of win him back.”

“Then who was that?” Drew said, motioning outside.

“I’m not sure. I mean her name is Amber, that much I know, she was over here a few nights ago, but that’s the first I’ve seen or heard of her. I don’t know what Matt’s doing with her. Poor Kellie.”

“I don’t see why it’s poor Kellie. They broke up.” He shrugged. “He can date whoever he wants.”

“They were together for like, four years or something, Drew. And he’s with some other girl not even a week after they split? You have to admit, that’s gotta sting a little.”

Drew shrugged, then nodded. “Yeah, I guess that is a little cold hearted.” He paused. “They’re coming in.”

I sighed in disgust, and left the room, knocking lightly on Matt’s door.

“Come in.” Kellie called softly.

I managed to close the door just as I heard the front door open.

Kellie was sitting on the bed, her back towards me, holding something in her hands. When I walked around the bed to sit next to her, I noticed it was a picture frame, holding a picture of a younger looking Matt and Kellie.

“I was hoping he’d remember this.” She said, touching the picture lightly with her finger tips.

“What?” I asked, looking at the picture.

“Happy. I was hoping I’d come here and he’d remember when we were happy.” She sighed, and set the frame back in her bag, and zipped it up.

“You’re not leaving, are you? I thought Matt said you were going to stay until at least tomorrow?” I was confused.

“When Matt and I first started having issues, I blamed you.” She said, smiling a half smile at me. “It’s not easy when your boyfriend lives so far away, and it’s even harder to find out that he’s living with a pretty girl, who was single at the time, who also shared a ton of the same interests as him. I trust Matt. We’ve been together so long, and he’s never given me a reason not too… Jealousy has never been an issue for us before but… You should have heard the way he talked about you. He thinks you’re… Amazing.”

I blushed when she said this, looking down quickly and hoping she wouldn’t notice. I remember the spark I felt that first day I met Matt. Had it all been in my head?

She shook her head slightly. “It’s not your fault. I mean, I’m sure you already know that but… Now I know it too. My Mom warned me, about coming here. She said the whole clichéd, let love go and if it’s meant to be, it’ll come back. Matt’s just been a part of me, a part of my life for so long that… I don’t think I know how to be without him. But, maybe that’s our problem. We just know each other too well. He’s with that other girl because he wants to explore other options. Maybe in the end, he’ll find that she’s not the one for him and he’ll come back to me. Maybe I’ll still be around. Maybe not. However, if he’s already moved on, then I should at least give it a shot.”

Her little speech reminded me of me and Jason, and how she was handling her whole break up with Matt a hell of a lot better than I handled the Jason situation.

“You think you can do that? Just pick up and move on?”

“What’s the other option Ella? Sit here and wait and hope? I’m not the patient kind. I came because I had to see if Matt was really over me. I did think that once he saw me, the old feelings would come back, and he’d remember and tell me he was sorry. But, that didn’t happen.”

“Are you sad?” I asked.

“Of course I am.” She said, smiling at me. “I love Matt. But, I also believe that everything happens for a reason, and so he must not be the one for me. Or maybe he is, and it’s just not the right time.” She shrugged. “Only time will tell.”

“Can I just say, wow. You’re the amazing one, Kellie. Really. I mean, here I am, livid at Matt, and he didn’t even do anything to me. And you’re just very calm about it. I mean are you angry at all?”

She was quiet for a second, thinking the question over. “A little. I mean it is kind of bull that he has that girl here. Whether or not he knew she was coming, he still should have told her to leave. The Matt I know though isn’t like that. Of course, the Matt I know has always been dating me, so I’ve never really seen him in the dating game.” She shrugged.

“You don’t have to leave, you know. You could stay. We could hang out.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I’d like to go home. My family is still in town for the weekend, and I mean you’ll have Drew… But it’d be cool if we could stay friends?” She asked, looking at me.

“Facebook me?” I asked, laughing.

“Sure thing.” She smiled, picking up her bag.

To Matt’s credit, when he saw Kellie was leaving, he did get off the couch and walk her out to the car. I spied on them from the window, and they stood outside her car talking for a moment. I think he was trying to talk her into staying, but she just kept shaking her head no. Then she hugged him, got in the car, and left. He stood in the driveway for a moment, and then turned around. Unfortunately, I’m a horrible spy and he caught me looking.

Even worse, I had left Drew alone in the living room to entertain Amber and her cousin Nicole. I was not happy when I entered the room and saw Nicole sitting way too close to Drew, practically purring in his lap. Drew looked really uncomfortable, and for a moment, instead of being angry, I had to laugh. Poor Drew had never really had a girl throw herself at him before, and he most certainly had never had a girlfriend while she did it. He was too nice to be mean, and also too nice to sit there and flirt back.

“Hey hon, what do you want to do tonight?” I asked, walking over to Drew. When I realized Nicole was not about to move from next to him, I just plopped down on his lap. My back was towards her, so I’m not sure how she reacted to this, but I felt her tense up and pull back a little.

“Ella, can I talk to you for a minute? Alone?” Matt asked, standing in the doorway.

“Nope.” I said, not bothering to look at him.

“Please?” His voice was strained. I could tell he was annoyed, and that gave me a little bit of satisfaction.

“Ella.” Drew said quietly. “Go talk to him, please? So it’s not totally awkward when we all shop in the morning?”

“Oooh shopping on black Friday?” Nicole squealed. “I’ve never been! Have you?”

I didn’t want to leave Drew alone with her again, not because I didn’t trust him, but because she obviously made him so uncomfortable. But he pushed me slightly and I knew h e meant business. I sighed, pouting, and followed Matt into the kitchen.

“What the hell did you say to her?” Matt asked, once we were safely alone in the kitchen.

“I didn’t say anything Matt. I pretty much just listened.” I said, crossing my arms across my chest and leaning against the counter.

“Then why did she leave like that?”

I snorted. “Seriously? You’re going to ask me that question? Like it’s my fault? I mean why do you even care anyway?

“I care about Kellie. Don’t imply that I don’t.”

“I don’t HAVE to imply. You’re actions just said it all Matt. You broke up with her, than mere days later hook up with the first girl that you find. Whatever, you were broken up so technically you weren’t doing anything wrong, even though I personally think it’s a little shady. But to bring her here when you KNOW Kellie’s here? After I freaking WARNED you that Kellie was trying to win you back? You’re a freaking idiot.”

“I didn’t ask her over. She just came.” Matt said, a weak excuse.

“You also didn’t tell her to leave, did you?”

“That would have been rude.”

“It was rude to have her stay!” I exclaimed. “It was rude for her to come over uninvited. So rather than be rude to her back, you were rude to Kellie, who was supposed to be your guest. And then you come in here, accuse me of doing something I didn’t do, and were rude to me. But you know what? I’m done with being rude, and right now you and I are both being rude to the people in the living room. I’m done with this conversation, and I don’t give a damn if you think by saying all that that I’m being rude to you.” I said, walking out of the kitchen and back to the living room.

Whatever Wednesday: Bah fucking humbug

I meant to post earlier. Buuuut I didn't. I was in such an agitated mood today, and as the day has worn on, it's gotten progressively worse.

It started off with me waking up and realizing I was sick. Full force cold, it sucks. Then my husband calls, his truck is leaking break fluid and he can't drive it. We're hoping he can fix it himself, but it might cost money, which we don't have. I'm still trying to keep an upbeat attitude about all of this, my husband's bummed and I'm trying not to be.

I'm on the phone with him to get directions to his work to pick him up when I hear a loud crash. His desk randomly collapsed. Luckily he wasn't AT it, so he didn't get hurt. But he had this little Columbus Bluejackets Santa Clause (our local hockey team) and it's broken.

Then we get home, he checks the bank account, and realizes we're overdrawn because the place where we took Santa pictures this weekend charged us twice. Of course, at the hour we realized it, no one's answering the phone, so we can't do anything about it.

My husband then snaps at me because he's frustrated, which then leads me to cry and fall apart because I don't feel good and damnit I'm just trying to keep it together so he keeps it together.

So we're upstairs where he's trying to make me not mad at him when I hear my phone ring. I ignore it. It rings again a few moments later so I figure it must be important, so I rush downstairs to answer it.

It was my sister. My Mom called. Someone walked into her house when she, my brother, my cousin, and my brother's friend were home and stole all the Christmas presents she had sitting in her living room. My brother, cousin, and his friend were downstairs in the basement and my Mom was in her room when her neighbor called to say she saw someone on their porch. My brother goes into the living room and sees that the front door was open, and the screen door was propped open. My Mom had placed ALL my son's Christmas presents in the living room under their mini-tree, my sister had placed everyone's presents under there, except for her fiance's and her fiance's parents, and they're all gone.

I'm trying to be grateful in this situation. I'm grateful that my Mother didn't come out into the living room while she was being robbed, because if this guy/girl was bold enough to walk into someone's home when they were clearly there, there's no telling what else they were bold enough to do.

I'm hoping that who ever took these presents needed them badly for their own children.

But still, I'm angry, hurt, and sad. First of all, my sister's gifts to everyone else, are gone. Meaning my brother won't get anything from her, my husband won't, nor my Mother. I know Christmas ISN'T about giving, but I know how excited my sister was to buy those things, knowing she picked out gifts they all really wanted.

Luckily my son is too young to realize my Mom doesn't have anything for him. But, she knows. She was SO excited about getting him a zhu zhu pet, the seasons hottest toy, and now it's gone. She bought the damn thing seriously like 3 months ago off amazon, paid an insane amount for it, just because she wanted her Grandson to have the best toy, and someone just walked in and took it. It makes me so freaking angry. Again, I know, it's just material things, but I hate the fact that my Mother is hurt. I hate so much that we don't have the money to go out and replace everything. Who does that? It's Christmas for God's sake, do you not have a soul? What's WRONG with you?

It hasn't been a very good week either. I got a phone call Thursday of last week telling me that my old boss had been fired. It was part money issues, partly a new bitchy director who has fucked up priorities. He luckily had a feeling it was coming, and had a new job lined up, but it just makes me so freaking sad. He not only ran the camp that I love so much (the camp Ella works at) but he went to it as a child. He's done EVERY job there is to do there, has been there for 41 years, and they just boot him out.

I'm so angry, I can't even see straight. I feel like I'm living in an upside down world where nothing makes sense.

FB: If all else fails you can blame it on me

I ordered food, too much of it, just to have something to do, and took it back home. When I got there, Jacob was playing video games. I raised an eyebrow at Jarren, and she just shrugged.

Jacob downed his breakfast, which also surprised me. He also managed to pack away what I couldn’t force myself to choke down. He then went and laid back down, in minutes he was snoring.

“What is with him?” I asked Jarren. “Did he say anything while I was gone?”

“No. He just said he was bored and asked if we minded if he played some games.”

“He’s acting like nothing happened.”

Jarren shrugged. “Give him time, maybe it just hasn’t sunk in. When my Grandma died, I wasn’t sad until the funeral. You know, when I saw her…”

I nodded, hoping that was it. It always made me nervous when people pushed down their feelings and hid them. It never turned out well.

I called work, trying to see if I could just get one more day off. Even though Mama Rivers was very sympathetic to what was going on, she really needed me back. My direct boss was on vacation, and there were interviews lined up for camp counselors, and really, there was no one else to do it. She told me I could take off until the first interview was scheduled at one, and if I wanted to go to Michelle’s funeral, she would see what she could do to rearrange the schedules.

Did it make me a horrible person that I had no desire to go to Michelle’s funeral? That I was a little relieved that I could use work as an excuse?

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be there for Jacob. But… I didn’t really know Michelle, and what I did know, I hadn’t liked. I didn’t dislike her so much that I had wanted her dead. I just felt like it wasn’t my place to be there, that if she knew I had come, she might have been a little upset about it herself. I also didn’t know what she had told her other friends about me. Would it upset them even more that I was there? I knew it would be downright uncomfortable for me. I would suck it up and go if Jacob wanted me too, if I knew I wouldn’t upset anyone else, but I was glad that with work… I wouldn’t have to make that decision. I could just tell everyone that they wouldn’t let me off. Nobody would know the difference.

Earlier than I expected him, Jason came. I was also surprised to see that he had brought Drew, not Kayla with him.

“Where is he?” Jason asked.

“My room.” I said. “He’s sleeping.”

Jason nodded. “I’m gonna go wake him up and see how he’s doing.”

“Good. Tell me if you think he’s acting a little funny.” I said.

Jason rolled his eyes. “Honestly Ella, do you expect him to be acting normally?”

“No, Jason. That’s my point. He IS acting normal.” I shot back, annoyed.

Jason didn’t say anything else, just walked back to my room.

“How are you?” Drew spoke when we were alone, looking at me with sad eyes.

“I’m fine.” I said, absently, walking away from him and into the kitchen.

“Ella.” His voice followed. His sat down at the bar which looked into the kitchen.

“Yes?” I asked, opening the fridge. I don’t know what I was looking for. I just knew I didn’t want to look at Drew.

“How are you really doing?” His voice was low, caring. I felt myself cracking again.

I picked up a towel and started to wipe the counters, but then threw it down a second later, feeling his eyes on the back of me, waiting for my answer.

“I said I was fine, damnit.” My anger was laced with even more tears.

“Oh Ella.” He said, walking into the kitchen and wrapping me up in a hug.

“Don’t do that.” I said, pulling away.

“Don’t do what?” He asked, his hands still on my shoulders, holding me in place so I couldn’t turn away.

“Don’t try to make me feel any better. I don’t want it and I don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible person.”

“Ella, why would you say that?” Drew looked honestly surprised. I was a little surprised that it came out of my mouth as well.

“I just… Can’t help but feel like this is my fault. Toni says it’s not, and I’m sure Jacob would too if I brought it up, but I mean, I can’t dump all this on him. If I’m feeling all this, then I don’t know what he’s feeling. Although by the way he’s acting, I would say he’s feeling just fine, which I don’t get.” I was rambling now. I sometimes did that when I was upset or nervous.

“Why do you feel like it’s your fault?”

“Because. I mean there’s the fact that had Jacob picked her over me? This wouldn’t have happened. Hell, who knows? If I hadn’t gotten into that argument with Jacob, maybe she never would have made him pick. If I had been a little nicer, tried a little harder, or if I had just plain ignored her… I dunno.” I said. I stepped back and leaned against the fridge, sliding down it until my butt hit the floor.

“If is a pretty big word, Ella. I mean we can go over all the ifs, if you want too. If you have never gone out to Cali to tell Jason about the baby, you never would have met Jacob, and you probably wouldn’t be dating. If you hadn’t lost your baby, maybe you would have been with Jason, and not dating Jacob. If Jacob had gone after Michelle that night, if he had tried to call her to make it right. If Michelle tried to call him and make it right, if Michelle had called ANYONE to tell them how she was feeling…” It was quiet for a moment.

“It happened like this Ella, because that’s the way it happened. It’s the only way it could have happened, it’s the way it should have happened.”

“Are you saying that Michelle was supposed to die?” I asked, my eyes wide with surprise.

He slid down the counter and sat across from me. “I don’t know what I believe, exactly. I don’t know if God has this big plan for us, laid out. Or if it’s all just coincidence, randomness, luck, chance… But, I do know that either way, the choice that Michelle made, combined with the choices everyone else made, caused this to happen. It’s no one person’s fault, and it can’t be undone. Worrying about it won’t change anything. It is what it is. And I know, you can’t just get over it like that,” he snapped his fingers, and continued, “but beating yourself up and blaming yourself or others? Is just going to make the situation worse.”

We were both quiet for a moment, absorbing his words.

“I also feel… Angry. I’m mad that she had to once again ruin everything for us. You know? And then I feel bad about it, selfish about it. Because, you know, she’s dead. And I don’t want to go to her funeral, I don’t really want to do anything with this mess other than walk away. That also makes me feel guilty.”

“I’m not a therapist, but it sounds to me like everything you’re feeling is normal, El. I mean, I barely knew the girl either, but I’m angry too. It’s just such a waste, you know? I’m sad for her, I really am. But on the flip side of that, I’m pissed off at her. She’s got all my friends feeling horrible about herself, all because of one selfish act. And like you, then I feel bad, because she’s dead. I feel like… There’s some unspoken rule where you can’t be angry at a dead person. But, I don’t think that’s right. I mean you can love a dead person, right? You can feel sorry for a dead person… So I think you can be angry at one too.”

“Are you sad that you never got to know her?” I asked.

He smiled. “Are you asking me if I liked her and wanted to date her?”

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

“She was pretty. She had some issues though, and I had a feeling that she was just using me to try to get under your skin. We did talk a little though, and I don’t think she was a horrible person. Just a hurt and confused girl who had done some bad things.”

I nodded.

“Besides, he answered, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. “Nobody has yet to measure up to the one girl I hold everyone against.”

“Who’s that?” I asked, looking at him curiously. I didn’t know Drew had a crush. We didn’t talk relationship.

He opened one eye, and looked at me seriously. “Sandra Bullock.”

I laughed, and even though the sound shocked me at first, it felt good. It felt like maybe, it was going to be OK.

Jacob packed his things up quickly, and gave me a hug as I stood out by the car.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered into my ear.

“For what?” I asked.

“Dragging you into all of this. Ruining our time together.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m just glad I can be here for you. I’m sorry too.”

“What are you sorry for?” He asked, looking down at me.

“I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry I didn’t like her. I’m sorry I didn’t even try to like her, or make things easier on her. I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

He didn’t say anything, just pulled me closer and pressed his lips to his forehead.

“I’m so lucky, you know? I’m so lucky you’re understanding. I don’t deserve this, but I’m so glad for it.”

I smiled. “Call me, OK? Call me when you get there, and call me if you need anything. I mean it Jake. Four AM, whatever, I’m there.”

He nodded, and kissed me. Then he slid into the car, and was gone.

Guilt was all I felt for the next couple hours. I felt guilty when I walked back into the silent apartment and found myself relieved. I felt guilty when I laid down to take a nap, over slept, and was late to the first interview. I felt guilty that when Jacob did finally call, several hours after he got home, that I was not only annoyed, but I didn’t answer because I was in the shower. I felt guilty when I got off the phone with him, annoyed again, because he was drunk.

I laid in bed that night, a blanket of guilt so thick over me that I thought maybe it would crush me in my sleep. I closed my eyes, and just repeated over and over, that it all gets better in time.

And prayed to God that it would.

You look so dumb right now, standing outside my house

Not many work people showed up to our game night out. But, Ed did pull through, although I nearly had a heart attack when I saw him, wondering if he’d bring along Matt’s new friend. He hadn’t, but he had brought some of his other friends with him, funny, loud, large guys, who looked like walking, talking guys from "you might be a redneck" jokes, but still the sweetest, most polite people I’ve ever met. One of his friends actually pulled out my chair for me as I sat down.

Ed’s friends kept the awkwardness from creeping into the situation. I watched everyone, laughing and smiling, and was happy to see that Kellie looked more comfortable. She was even flirting with a few of the guys, although I did notice that she often checked Matt to see if he noticed. Matt was half there, half gone, and I was sad to see he paid more attention to his cell phone than Kellie. I liked her, which surprised me. While I wasn’t sure if they were a good match, she seemed so nice it killed me to know that he was breaking her heart.

We ate dinner, and played some games. I felt like Drew and I were in a cheesy music video for a love song, he kept looking at me and smiling, and I couldn’t help but smile back, and we couldn’t keep stop touching each other. It wasn’t full out PDA, or groping, but he either had a hand on my back, or my hand was holding his, his knee touching mine under the table… We were the brunt of couple jokes all night long, but even that made me smile. I was a couple with my best friend. It seemed too good to be true.

We finally wrapped things up about midnight, and piled into my car to head over to Wal-mart. We had no idea what to make, no recipe with us, no clue what we needed. We wandered the aisle, throwing various things in, chattering on about what we wanted to make, but being pretty aimless about it. We paid for our things, went home, and aimlessly wandered through google, trying to figure out what we could make with the various supplies we did have. We finally settled on some casserole thing, and it was about four AM before we finally headed to bed.

OK, Drew and I headed to bed. But, it was about five thirty before we went to sleep.


I didn’t normally dress up for Thanksgiving. I know a lot of people do, but I always found it stupid. You were just going to see your family, who usually saw you at your worst at some point or another. You were going to eat tons of food, why would you want to be restricted in dress clothes? Or have to worry about not spilling gravy on your good pants? Usually I wore my sweatpants and an old hoodies. Some years I even wore my pajama pants. This year, however, was different.

I’m not quite sure why. I mean yeah, Drew was going to be there, but he had been at Thanksgiving dinners before. I just felt like looking good. So even though I had just gone to bed six and a half hours before (I know, to some people, that’s a normal amount of sleep. I love to sleep though, so it’s not nearly enough.) I drug myself out of bed and got into the shower. While waiting for my hair to dry a bit, I put on my makeup. Then, once I styled my hair, I slipped the sweater dress I had picked out over my head. It was sort of dressy, but still comfortable, and I knew if I spilled something on it, I could just throw it in the washer and be done.

We were out the door at one, arriving at my parents around one-twenty. Most of my family was slotted to show up around two, and I was glad not to be walking into an already full house.

“Mom, this is Kellie and Matt. I work with Matt.” I said, hugging her.

She smiled at both of them, reaching forward to shake their hands. “I’m glad you guys could be here with us today!”

“And of course, you know Drew.” I said. Drew stepped forward to hug my Mom, and I was glad to see that she greeted him warmly. I wasn’t sure what the deal was the other day.

“Need any help?” Kellie asked, looking shy and even more childlike.

“No, no. It’s all under control. Why don’t you guys go sit with Ella’s Dad out in the living room? He’s decorating, I’m sure he can use your help.”

“Sure thing.” Matt said, and Drew led them into the living room. I stayed behind in the kitchen, trusting Drew to make the introductions to my Dad.

“So.” Mom said, breaking the silence that had fallen over us. “You and Drew, huh?”

“Yeah.” I said, smiling and sliding onto a bar stool at the island in the kitchen. I picked up a potato and peeler and started peeling it.

Silence again.

“You sure that’s such a good idea?” My Mom ventured cautiously.

“Yes Mom.” I said, not being able to hide the annoyance in my voice. My Mom and I didn’t talk personal business. I didn’t know why she was pushing this issue.

“It’s just that… You know, you and Jason didn’t work out.”

“I know.”

“Why was that anyway? We all thought you two would end up getting married.”

I sighed, loudly, hoping she’d get the hint and leave me alone. It only caused her to turn and look at me.

“Because he got married, Ma. Remember? They invited you to the wedding.” Jason had been close to my family. I suspected he considered my Mom more his Mother than his own.

Now it was her turn to sigh. “I know. I just still thought… How’s he doing anyway?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why not? Don’t you talk to him?”

I paused, wondering exactly how I should handle this. “No. Not really. Not anymore.”

“What happened? His wife put a nix on it?”

I didn’t say anything.

“You know, I never liked her. She always did give off a jealous vibe. That’s a shame, you two were so close…”

“Mom, I don’t want to talk about it.” I said, pushing my chair back.

“I just think, you know, that Drew’s such a good friend. I worry about you losing him, like you lost Jason.”

I know my Mom didn’t mean to place the blame on me. I knew she was just genuinely concerned for me. I was able to appreciate that, but her words still hurt. She said that I had lost Jason, implying that I had done something wrong, and that it was my fault he was gone.

Silence settled over the room again. My mom turned back to the stove. I felt tears well up in my throat. I swallowed hard, and when I was sure they weren’t going to escape, I spoke.

“I’m going to go into the living room. See if I can help any. You let me know if you need any more help in here.”

I walked out of the kitchen, my chest feeling tight. I talked to myself in my head, tried to kick Jason out of my thoughts, but he hung in there. No matter what I told myself, about him being a jerk, about me being too good for him… All that crept into my mind was, my Mom thought he was perfect for me too.

However, turning the corner and entering the living room, I couldn’t help but smile at the sight. My Father had some football game on TV, muted, and Christmas music playing. My Dad was in his “holiday hat”, a fisherman’s cap decorated with all kinds of gaudy Christmas pins: rhinestone Santa’s, snowman’s, reindeers, buttons that flashed and sang… It was his favorite thing ever, and whenever I went to a thrift store or flea market, I always searched for something to add to his collection. He was up on the ladder, with Drew was on the ground, following his command to hand him whatever ornament my Dad needed to hang. Kellie was on tree duty, tinsel in her hair. Matt had gotten stuck untangling the lights, and he was covered in them. It was so cheery that I almost forgot the conversation with my Mom in the kitchen, although a tiny, nagging voice in the back of my head kept whispering Jason’s name.

I went over to help Kellie with the tree, stepping over my parent’s twosleeping dogs, a black and white pitbull named Moose, and an English Bulldog named Buddah who was missing an eye.

The rest of the evening went well. The food was great, and the family behaved as well as they could manage. At the end of the night we left, me feeling warm and slightly sleepy with arms full of leftovers. We drove home in silence, everyone too full to talk, but happy. You could feel the happiness and satisfaction penetrating the air.

When my headlights swept the house, I was surprised to see a car idling in the driveway.

“Were you expecting anyone?” Drew asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No. And I don’t recognize the car… Matt, what about you? Was anyone coming over tonight?” I asked, looking at him in the rearview. He had been dozing on Kellie’s shoulder.

“What?” He asked, his head popping up. He rubbed his eyes, and looked out into the driveway.

It was when his face turned a deep shade of red that I realized who it was. Matt looked at me, his eyes wide in an “oh shit” expression.

“Who is it?” Kellie asked, glancing from me to Matt.

I felt my mouth lock into a straight line, and I couldn’t help shaking my head slightly in disgust. For one, I couldn’t believe that Matt had moved on to another girl so soon after breaking up with Kellie. But to invite her over when Kellie was there? I was suddenly very pissed at Matt.

“She wasn’t supposed to be here.” Matt said quietly. He knew I was mad, and he was offering up excuses.

Kellie still looked bewildered, but hearing the “she” part, I watched her face fall.

I didn’t say anything back to him, just swung my car a little more violently than necessary into the driveway. I slammed my door getting out, just as Amber was climbing out of her car.

“Hey!” She said, smiling as she saw Matt duck out of the car.

“Hey.” He responded, I saw him glance at me. “What are you doing here?”

“Thought since you couldn’t come to my Thanksgiving, I’d bring my
thanksgiving to you.” She said, ducking back into her car. She pulled out a couple of things, covered in foil. Another blonde got out of the passenger side. “My Mom’s famous pie, and my cousin!” She said, giggling.

“Oh wow. Thanks.” Matt said. I rolled my eyes, leaning on the door and waiting for Kellie and Drew. I half hoped they would hurry in before everyone else, and I could lock the rest of them out.

“This is my cousin. I told her all about you and she really wanted to meet you.”

“Oh…” Matt trailed off as Kellie got out of the car. She didn’t look at him, just reached back for some of the leftovers and strode past him briskly and towards me.

I watched Amber eye Kellie as she walked up the walkway. “Is this a bad time?” Amber asked, her eyes not leaving Kellie.

“No.” Matt said too quickly. He was trying to look like he had nothing to hide, but he answered so fast that he seemed overly eager and flustered. “Why don’t you all come in?” He asked, glancing at me.

At this point, Drew had made it to the door. I let Kellie and Drew inside, and slammed the door behind me. I was being a brat, I knew, but the look of hurt on Kellie’s face made me want to murder Matt.