So you had a bad day...

Matt sighed. “We’re doing this, really Ella?”

“Well, we either have this argument now, or we wait until it finally explodes, because we both know that neither one of us is happy with the other, and I just don’t really want to have to tiptoe around my house, walking on eggshells, waiting for the shit to hit the fan.”

“Do you want me to leave? Is that it?” He asked, his voice rising.

“No. When and if I want you to leave, I will tell you. But, in case you’re wondering, if things keep going on like this, I will be asking you to leave. I’m not going to feel like an intruder in my own home.”

“You don’t have too. I’m looking for a new place. I’ll be out of your hair soon.” Matt shot back.

“Matt stop turning this argument into something it’s not. I’m not trying to kick you out, I’m trying to figure out when and why you started being such an asshole.”

“I just don’t get how I’m being an asshole Ella. Because I’m dating someone so soon after Kellie? I never cheated, I’m single. I do feel badly that she showed up when Kellie was here, but that wasn’t intentional. Or maybe it’s the fact that you don’t like Amber so you’re taking it out on me.”

“I never said I didn’t like Amber.”

“No, you didn’t say it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell.”

“I won’t say I like Amber, but I can’t really say I don’t like her either. I don’t KNOW her Matt. And while I do think it’s a little shady that what, mere hours after you broke up with Kellie you’re with someone else, you’re right. You’re single, you didn’t cheat, you can do whatever you want. But you can’t say that you didn’t act like an ass when Amber showed up. I know you didn’t invite her over, but you didn’t ask her to leave, did you? You didn’t even leave Amber to make sure Kellie, you’re invited guest, was OK. All you did was blame me, and yell at me for something I didn’t even do. But you know what? I’m glad you dumped Kellie, cuz she sure as hell doesn’t deserve a prick like you.”

“Ella you just need to shut up, because you don’t know shit. And, you also have no room to talk. Couldn’t the same be said about you and Drew?”

“What do you mean?”

“That Drew’s too good for you? You didn’t tell him anything about Jason, did you? He had no idea that he’s runner up. And once you ruin him, like you ruined Jason, you’ll throw him out. Isn’t that what you do?” Matt’s face was turned into an ugly sneer.

“Now YOU need to shut up Matt, because YOU don’t know anything. “
“I think I know way more about you and Jason and Drew than you know about my life.”

“I can’t deny that, because the more I see how you’ve been acting lately, the more I realize I don’t really know you. I thought you were a good guy, Matt. I know good people make mistakes sometimes too, but you aren’t willing to own up to any of your mistakes, you’re deflecting and blaming and making yourself look more and more like a jackass every time you open your stupid mouth. I wanted to know you, Matt. I really did. I thought you’d make an awesome friend, and now? I just can’t wait until you’re out of my life. I was hoping something had gotten into you, a mood, a funk, it happens to the best of you. But, now I’m starting to see that this is just how you really are. And I have no desire to know this person at all.” I crossed my arms, and sat back, waiting for him to go off on me. Instead, he slumped down on the couch, his head falling into his hands.

“You’re right.” He said, not looking up. “You are so right. I just… You ask me what’s wrong, what’s gotten into me, and I just don’t know. The breakup with Kellie… It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I know I’m not in love with her anymore, so I thought moving on would be easy. I still miss her, and I don’t understand that. I know I don’t want to be with her, but I still miss her, and that confuses the hell out of me. Then there’s Amber, and the mess I’ve gotten myself into there.”

“What’s going on with her?” I asked, sitting down on the edge of the couch. I felt bad for Matt, and it was amazing how quickly my anger disappeared, he just looked, deflated. Defeated. Beaten.

He sighed, picking his head up, but still not looking at me. “I met her at the gym. We flirted, but Kellie and I were still together so that’s all it was, flirting. She just seemed like a party girl, and so when Kellie and I were officially split, I thought she’d be someone fun to hook up with. I mean, I know it makes me sound like a jerk, but that’s what I wanted. I’ve never had that, Kellie and I have been serious for what feels like all my life. I’ve never cheated, but also never hooked up with some random girl in a bar, had a friends with benefits relationship, or a one night stand… I’m not sure if I wanted any of that, but I knew I just wanted to have some easy fun with a girl I got along with.”

“So what’s the problem?” I asked, feeling my anger bubbling up again. I didn’t like hearing about Matt with Amber. Part of it was that I did feel a connection with Kellie, I liked her and I felt like Matt was betraying her. Another part was I thought Amber was a skank. She rubbed me the wrong way and I just couldn’t put my finger on what my issue with her was, but I knew I had a big one.

“She’s becoming really serious, really fast. I have no idea what to do with her. I mean it started when she asked me to Thanksgiving at her house. I thought she was just doing it to be nice, you know? She knew I wasn’t able to go home, so she thought I’d have nowhere to go. But then she pops over with her cousin who I just had to meet? Then she begs me to go with her to take her cousin to the airport, and her whole family is there waiting to meet me, telling me they’ve heard so much about me… I mean it’s really freaking me out.”

“I mean, what did you expect Matt?”

“I don’t know. I mean she knew I was dating someone when we first met, and when I broke up with Kellie I told her I didn’t want anything serious. I told her that multiple times… I just thought she’d get it.”

“Well. Are you sure she’s trying to get serious?”

“She saw me searching craigslist one day for apartments. She asked me to move in with her.”

“Wow.”

“I know.” He sighed. “I know I’ve been a jerk lately, and I’m sorry. I really am. It’s like, I knew I was being an ass, I knew I was wrong, I just didn’t know how to stop being one. I’m not sleeping well because I’m thinking about Kellie and how I do miss her, and what that means exactly, and then I’m worried of Amber and what to do… I feel like there’s no reason to have a break up talk, we’re not IN a relationship, but then what do I do? Just ignore her calls? That just seems kind of mean and cowardly. So, I’ve been irritable and on edge and it’s not an excuse, because nothing has been your fault and still I’m taking it out on you… I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK. I just wish you’d talk to me about this stuff, you know? It would have made the whole thing easier.”

“I know. It’s just… I mean you’re with Drew now. And you’re happy. I didn’t want to dump all this on you, you just got over your own relationship issues, it’s smooth sailing for you, and you deserve that.”

I laughed. “Sometimes because it’s so easy, it makes things complicated. I have a tendency to over-think things.”

“Well don’t do that.”

“You should know that’s easier said than done, buddy. It’s like the whole Kellie thing. Of course you miss her, she was a huge part of your life for a long time. You’re going to miss those moments. Just because you’re not in love with someone anymore doesn’t mean you stop loving them too. I mean, I miss Jason, but I know I shouldn’t be with him. You just move on. I think Kellie will be a part of your life again, just give it some time.”

“Yeah. You’re right. But what about Amber?”

“I think you just need to tell her that you feel like she deserves a real relationship, and you can’t give her that right now. You’re still raw from a recent breakup, and you need time and space to get your head back on straight.”

“What if she says she doesn’t want a real relationship?”

I paused. “She might do that. Some girls do. They hope by sticking around long enough the guy will see how amazing they are and will change their minds. I guess if she does that, it’s really up to you. Either you can say you need space for you, or you can continue hooking up with her. I mean if she says she wants just friends with benefits, then it’s really her own fault if her heart gets broken.”

“That’s still not going to make me feel any better if her heart does get broken.”

“Yeah. I know. But the thing I’ve learned through this whole Jason mess? You just can’t control what people choose do to with their lives. You can only decide what to do with yours. If you like Amber enough and want to hook up with her, and she agrees to it? I mean…” I shrugged.

“You ever done the whole friends with benefits deal?” He asked, blushing slightly.

“No.” I paused. “Well. I mean, in a way, I guess you could say that’s all Jason and I ever did. The friends with benefits thing. But I didn’t knowingly agree to it. And I don’t think I ever would.”

“Why not?” He asked, sneaking a sideways glance at me.

“Someone always gets their heart broken. In all the cases I’ve seen, it’s always the girl. It’s just not worth the risk to me.” I said, shrugging. I patted him on the knee. “Alright. Let’s go get some food. I’m suddenly really hungry.”