FB: And if I tried to save him, my whole world would cave in. It just ain't right

Jacob called daily and still had his calm demeanor whenever I talked to him. I worried so much about him, that I actually called Sandy. Everyone thought it was weird that I took his “normal” behavior to be so unusual, but it just rubbed me the wrong way. I knew he cared about Michelle, so why wasn’t he falling apart at the seams? Why wasn’t he acting upset? It just didn’t seem right.

I was actually relieved, when he finally did crack.

It was the day of Michelle’s funeral. Or technically the day after, because my phone didn’t ring until two o’clock in the morning. His voice was so full of tears, it took me a second to realize he was also slurring his words. He was drunk.
“I dream about her, you know.” He said, in lieu of hello.

“Oh really?” I asked, trying to ignore that pang of jealousy that hit me. It was stupid, being jealous of a dead person. “What about?”

“We’re at her apartment, and I can smell smoke, but I don’t say anything. Then we see the flames, and she’s trying so hard to put out the fire but I don’t help, I don’t even get off the couch. I want too, I think in my head that I should, but I don’t. Then the next thing I know, I’m in a fire truck, and I’m the one driving. I know we’re driving to her house, and I’m trying to speed, but then all of a sudden, the breaks aren’t working right. I have to pound down on them to get them to work and it takes awhile and I’m going too fast. I get up to her house and she’s outside, but I can’t stop and I hit her with the truck.”

“Wow.” Was all I was able to say. Toni said to be there for him, and I wanted to be, but I was just at a total and complete loss on how to be.

“Do you think there’s a hell, Ella?”

I thought for a moment. “Yeah. I do.”

“Do you think she’s in it? Because I overheard my Aunt talking to my Mom. She said it was such a shame that Michelle did that, because now she’s in hell. I mean according to the bible, she’s right, right? Killing yourself is a one way ticket down south, isn’t it?”

I panicked. I was not qualified to be talking about this stuff. “Um…” I hesitated.

“It just hurts even worse.” He said, his voice slurred and thick with tears. “I thought I’d get to see her again someday. But now… I don’t know. I mean I hope I won’t, at least. I don’t want to go to hell.” He sounded so childlike, my heart broke.

“I do think there’s a hell, but I don’t think Michelle’s in it.”

“Why not?” He asked, his voice skeptical.

“I think hell is a place reserved for people who aren’t sorry for the evil things they did. I think Michelle… Well, I think she would be sorry she did it. I think she would be sorry for the people she hurt. I think a lot of people who kill themselves do it because they don’t know what else to do, they don’t know how to fix things. If they saw another way out, they’d take it, but they’re so sad, that they don’t. I think God knows that. I think He forgives them, and if He does, then He wouldn’t send them to hell.”

He was quiet then. So quiet that I would have thought he hung up on me, if I hadn’t heard his breathing. Finally, in a voice so quiet, I almost didn’t hear it myself, he spoke.

“Yeah. I think you’re right.”

He made me sit on the phone with him that night until he fell asleep. He said he missed me, and wanted to fall asleep with me. He said I could fall asleep too, but I stayed awake, wanting to be there in case he needed me again. When I heard his breath go slow and even, I called his name a few times, when he didn’t answer me, I hung up the phone, snuggled down into the blankets, and proceeded to toss and turn until the alarm rang the next morning. Needless to say, I was pretty much worthless at work the next day.

Then, the next day, Jacob had flipped back to his old calm self, and made no mention of the night before. In fact, when he called me the next day, he apologized for forgetting to call me the night before.

“It was just a long day, Ella. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I just kind of passed out.”

“You did call, Jake. Really late. You don’t remember?”

He laughed a little. “No. I guess I don’t. I did drink a little bit, so maybe that’s why. I didn’t say anything embarrassing, did I?”

I wasn’t sure if he really did forget what he had said, or if he was embarrassed and wanted to have an excuse for acting the way he did. There was no way I was going to find out, so I decided to just let it go.

“No, not really.” I answered.

Jacob quickly changed the subject after that, focusing instead on the trip I planned to make after camp was over. I had bought my ticket, and Jacob talked on and on about what he wanted to do when I was here.

I was still worried about Jacob. He was still for the most part acting totally normal and had gone back to the base in California, but I would get three AM phone calls every weekend, and he would always be upset and drunk. Sometimes he’d talk about Michelle, sometimes he wouldn’t. However, with all the stress of getting ready for camp going on, I was already exhausted and putting in extra hours at work, losing more sleep to crazy phone calls didn’t help matters. Still, I knew I was supposed to be there for him, so I continued to pick up, continued to try to calm him down, and more often than not, continued to sit on the phone with him until he fell asleep.

One night though, I missed a call. I’m not sure what happened, if I had forgotten to take my phone off silent from a meeting earlier in the day, or if I was just so tired that I blocked out the phone ringing, but in the morning I woke to a sobbing voicemail from Jacob, where he went on and on about how everyone he loves leaves him, and asking me repeatedly to tell him what was wrong with him.

I called him immediately, despite the time difference. I had to get to the bottom of whatever was going on, I had to fix it. The phone rang and rang, but he didn’t answer. With panic in my gut, I couldn’t help but think of how the phone sounded when it rang and rang and Jake was trying to reach Michelle. I kept calling, until he finally picked up, sounding groggy and a little hung over.

“Hello?”

“What the hell is going on?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I got a phone call from you in the middle of the night last night. I didn’t hear it, and you left me this voicemail…”

“I’m sorry, I was drinking with the guys, I didn’t know I called you.”

“Jake… I think we need to talk about what’s going on with you.”

“There’s nothing going on, Ella.”

“How can you say that? You don’t talk about Michelle at all…”

“I don’t NEED to talk about Michelle. I don’t know what kind of guys you’ve dated, but most men aren’t all touchy feely with their emotions and junk. She died, I miss her, but being sad and crying all the time isn’t going to bring her back. I’m OK.” He sounded really defensive.

“And you’re drinking an awful lot…”

“I don’t drink anymore than anyone else here. We all do it. It’s how we unwind. I’m a freaking Marine Ella, the job’s a little bit more than stressful.”

“Then why are you calling me at three am, drunk and crying every weekend? If everything is OK, and everything is fine, why are you doing that?”

“I don’t know, I’m drunk!” He yelled. “People do dumb things when they’re drunk, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, I obviously don’t even remember what I did! Jesus, why can’t you let it go?”

“Because I’m worried about you. Because you’re waking me up every weekend night and I want to know what’s wrong!”

“If you’re so concerned with your sleep Ella, I’ll just take your number out of my phone and you don’t have to worry about me calling at all!” He yelled. “Now be concerned with my sleep and leave me alone!” With that, he hung up the phone.

I sat in my bed, knowing I needed to get ready for work, knowing we had our first camp meeting with all of the staff in an hour. On a normal Sunday, I could have laid in bed all day, but this Sunday… I needed to get up and go. I just felt so… Empty. So unmotivated. I knew I was hurt by what he said, but I couldn’t make myself get upset. Or cry. Or anything. I just was so lost, and I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know if this meant we were breaking up, and I didn’t know if I even really cared if we were breaking up. Long distance relationships were already so hard. Dating a marine was harder, but dating a marine with issues? I felt like since even before the start of our relationship, we were constantly dealing with things, with no real time to enjoy just being together. It was exhausting.

Still, I knew that I was falling in love with Jacob. I wasn’t sure I was ready to give that up yet.