FB: If all else fails you can blame it on me

I ordered food, too much of it, just to have something to do, and took it back home. When I got there, Jacob was playing video games. I raised an eyebrow at Jarren, and she just shrugged.

Jacob downed his breakfast, which also surprised me. He also managed to pack away what I couldn’t force myself to choke down. He then went and laid back down, in minutes he was snoring.

“What is with him?” I asked Jarren. “Did he say anything while I was gone?”

“No. He just said he was bored and asked if we minded if he played some games.”

“He’s acting like nothing happened.”

Jarren shrugged. “Give him time, maybe it just hasn’t sunk in. When my Grandma died, I wasn’t sad until the funeral. You know, when I saw her…”

I nodded, hoping that was it. It always made me nervous when people pushed down their feelings and hid them. It never turned out well.

I called work, trying to see if I could just get one more day off. Even though Mama Rivers was very sympathetic to what was going on, she really needed me back. My direct boss was on vacation, and there were interviews lined up for camp counselors, and really, there was no one else to do it. She told me I could take off until the first interview was scheduled at one, and if I wanted to go to Michelle’s funeral, she would see what she could do to rearrange the schedules.

Did it make me a horrible person that I had no desire to go to Michelle’s funeral? That I was a little relieved that I could use work as an excuse?

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be there for Jacob. But… I didn’t really know Michelle, and what I did know, I hadn’t liked. I didn’t dislike her so much that I had wanted her dead. I just felt like it wasn’t my place to be there, that if she knew I had come, she might have been a little upset about it herself. I also didn’t know what she had told her other friends about me. Would it upset them even more that I was there? I knew it would be downright uncomfortable for me. I would suck it up and go if Jacob wanted me too, if I knew I wouldn’t upset anyone else, but I was glad that with work… I wouldn’t have to make that decision. I could just tell everyone that they wouldn’t let me off. Nobody would know the difference.

Earlier than I expected him, Jason came. I was also surprised to see that he had brought Drew, not Kayla with him.

“Where is he?” Jason asked.

“My room.” I said. “He’s sleeping.”

Jason nodded. “I’m gonna go wake him up and see how he’s doing.”

“Good. Tell me if you think he’s acting a little funny.” I said.

Jason rolled his eyes. “Honestly Ella, do you expect him to be acting normally?”

“No, Jason. That’s my point. He IS acting normal.” I shot back, annoyed.

Jason didn’t say anything else, just walked back to my room.

“How are you?” Drew spoke when we were alone, looking at me with sad eyes.

“I’m fine.” I said, absently, walking away from him and into the kitchen.

“Ella.” His voice followed. His sat down at the bar which looked into the kitchen.

“Yes?” I asked, opening the fridge. I don’t know what I was looking for. I just knew I didn’t want to look at Drew.

“How are you really doing?” His voice was low, caring. I felt myself cracking again.

I picked up a towel and started to wipe the counters, but then threw it down a second later, feeling his eyes on the back of me, waiting for my answer.

“I said I was fine, damnit.” My anger was laced with even more tears.

“Oh Ella.” He said, walking into the kitchen and wrapping me up in a hug.

“Don’t do that.” I said, pulling away.

“Don’t do what?” He asked, his hands still on my shoulders, holding me in place so I couldn’t turn away.

“Don’t try to make me feel any better. I don’t want it and I don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible person.”

“Ella, why would you say that?” Drew looked honestly surprised. I was a little surprised that it came out of my mouth as well.

“I just… Can’t help but feel like this is my fault. Toni says it’s not, and I’m sure Jacob would too if I brought it up, but I mean, I can’t dump all this on him. If I’m feeling all this, then I don’t know what he’s feeling. Although by the way he’s acting, I would say he’s feeling just fine, which I don’t get.” I was rambling now. I sometimes did that when I was upset or nervous.

“Why do you feel like it’s your fault?”

“Because. I mean there’s the fact that had Jacob picked her over me? This wouldn’t have happened. Hell, who knows? If I hadn’t gotten into that argument with Jacob, maybe she never would have made him pick. If I had been a little nicer, tried a little harder, or if I had just plain ignored her… I dunno.” I said. I stepped back and leaned against the fridge, sliding down it until my butt hit the floor.

“If is a pretty big word, Ella. I mean we can go over all the ifs, if you want too. If you have never gone out to Cali to tell Jason about the baby, you never would have met Jacob, and you probably wouldn’t be dating. If you hadn’t lost your baby, maybe you would have been with Jason, and not dating Jacob. If Jacob had gone after Michelle that night, if he had tried to call her to make it right. If Michelle tried to call him and make it right, if Michelle had called ANYONE to tell them how she was feeling…” It was quiet for a moment.

“It happened like this Ella, because that’s the way it happened. It’s the only way it could have happened, it’s the way it should have happened.”

“Are you saying that Michelle was supposed to die?” I asked, my eyes wide with surprise.

He slid down the counter and sat across from me. “I don’t know what I believe, exactly. I don’t know if God has this big plan for us, laid out. Or if it’s all just coincidence, randomness, luck, chance… But, I do know that either way, the choice that Michelle made, combined with the choices everyone else made, caused this to happen. It’s no one person’s fault, and it can’t be undone. Worrying about it won’t change anything. It is what it is. And I know, you can’t just get over it like that,” he snapped his fingers, and continued, “but beating yourself up and blaming yourself or others? Is just going to make the situation worse.”

We were both quiet for a moment, absorbing his words.

“I also feel… Angry. I’m mad that she had to once again ruin everything for us. You know? And then I feel bad about it, selfish about it. Because, you know, she’s dead. And I don’t want to go to her funeral, I don’t really want to do anything with this mess other than walk away. That also makes me feel guilty.”

“I’m not a therapist, but it sounds to me like everything you’re feeling is normal, El. I mean, I barely knew the girl either, but I’m angry too. It’s just such a waste, you know? I’m sad for her, I really am. But on the flip side of that, I’m pissed off at her. She’s got all my friends feeling horrible about herself, all because of one selfish act. And like you, then I feel bad, because she’s dead. I feel like… There’s some unspoken rule where you can’t be angry at a dead person. But, I don’t think that’s right. I mean you can love a dead person, right? You can feel sorry for a dead person… So I think you can be angry at one too.”

“Are you sad that you never got to know her?” I asked.

He smiled. “Are you asking me if I liked her and wanted to date her?”

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

“She was pretty. She had some issues though, and I had a feeling that she was just using me to try to get under your skin. We did talk a little though, and I don’t think she was a horrible person. Just a hurt and confused girl who had done some bad things.”

I nodded.

“Besides, he answered, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. “Nobody has yet to measure up to the one girl I hold everyone against.”

“Who’s that?” I asked, looking at him curiously. I didn’t know Drew had a crush. We didn’t talk relationship.

He opened one eye, and looked at me seriously. “Sandra Bullock.”

I laughed, and even though the sound shocked me at first, it felt good. It felt like maybe, it was going to be OK.

Jacob packed his things up quickly, and gave me a hug as I stood out by the car.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered into my ear.

“For what?” I asked.

“Dragging you into all of this. Ruining our time together.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m just glad I can be here for you. I’m sorry too.”

“What are you sorry for?” He asked, looking down at me.

“I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry I didn’t like her. I’m sorry I didn’t even try to like her, or make things easier on her. I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

He didn’t say anything, just pulled me closer and pressed his lips to his forehead.

“I’m so lucky, you know? I’m so lucky you’re understanding. I don’t deserve this, but I’m so glad for it.”

I smiled. “Call me, OK? Call me when you get there, and call me if you need anything. I mean it Jake. Four AM, whatever, I’m there.”

He nodded, and kissed me. Then he slid into the car, and was gone.

Guilt was all I felt for the next couple hours. I felt guilty when I walked back into the silent apartment and found myself relieved. I felt guilty when I laid down to take a nap, over slept, and was late to the first interview. I felt guilty that when Jacob did finally call, several hours after he got home, that I was not only annoyed, but I didn’t answer because I was in the shower. I felt guilty when I got off the phone with him, annoyed again, because he was drunk.

I laid in bed that night, a blanket of guilt so thick over me that I thought maybe it would crush me in my sleep. I closed my eyes, and just repeated over and over, that it all gets better in time.

And prayed to God that it would.