Chloe's POV:

The cancer diagnosis had been a shocker, for obvious reasons. Nobody wants to be told that their body is being taken over by this horrible invader. Nobody wants to know that they have a risk of dying. Nobody wants to be sick.

But, it has it’s rare perks. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t sign up to get cancer just to get these “perks”, but… I try to look for the silver lining in things. And one of those silver lining in cancer, is the attention. You can pretty much get anyone to do anything for you, just because they feel bad.

However, that can also stab you in the ass. Sometimes I want to be left alone, or I want to do things by myself, and people don’t think that I can be. My Mom, bless her heart, is constantly looking at me like I might break. My Dad, unable to save me from this, has gone into a shell, fixing everything in the house that he can actually fix, and even ‘fixing’ a few things that weren’t broken. Ian and Seth have been great, worried, but still the perfect amount of support. Still, it wasn’t always easy. Some of my friends freaked out, unable to deal, and quit talking to me. I had been dating someone I really liked when I got my diagnosis, and he is now long gone, telling me that he thought it was unfair to stick around because he didn’t think he could offer the support I needed.

At first, I’ll admit, I was sad. It was a lot to deal with. First cancer was threatening to take away my life, and now it was taking away the relationships I had in whatever time I had left. Now I realized that in a way, I was lucky to see who my true friends were.

Still, it was kind of tough seeing Seth with Ella. He was happy, and he deserved that, but all over again I wondered why it wasn’t me that was happy. Didn’t I deserve it too? I tried not to feel sorry for myself or throw myself a pity party, but I was so young going through so much…

I shook my head, shaking it off. I was just glad Seth had someone in his life. I was glad she was so nice. I was glad that when she found out about me, never once did she look at me with pity.

It still seemed like everyone around me had someone. Would this whole process be easier or harder if I was in love?

Who knew? It might just be one more person I had to leave behind.
I finally decided I had spent enough time, alone, holed up in my room, and knew that I was headed into the depressed zone. I forced myself to head downstairs, even though I didn’t really want to be around other people.

“Hey.” I said, surprised to find Seth camped out on the couch. “Why are you here?”

“Uh, I live here?” He answered, not looking away from whatever game he was watching.

“I thought you’d be with Ella.” I said, plopping down next to him, not waiting for him to move his feet.

“Ouch, get off me.” He said, struggling to get up.

“I’m not THAT heavy, ya baby.” I answered back. “Now why aren’t you with Ella? I thought since you spent the night there last night that you two made up?”

“We did make up.” He said, sounding slightly annoyed. “I like her, but I don’t need to spend every waking moment with her. Besides, I haven’t been home in awhile. I wanted to hang out with you.”

“Oh yeah. We always hang out while you watch stupid basketball games. Isn’t March Madness over? Why are you still watching this?”

“I recorded it. I missed it.”

“Don’t you already know the outcome?”

“Yes. But I heard it’s a good game and I wanted to actually see it.” Again, annoyance tinged his voice. I know normally this might hurt someone’s feelings, but again, I was glad Seth was annoyed with me. It showed he was treating me just like a little sister who could get on one’s nerves sometimes.

“Well pause it and spend time with me.” I mock-whined. “I wanna hear about Ella.”

“There’s nothing to say.” He said, but he gave up and turned his game off with a sigh.

“Did you guys make up last night?”

“Yes. That’s why I didn’t come home.”

“So everything’s OK?”

“Yes, Chloe, for the hundredth time, everything is fine.” He paused for a second. “How are you doing? Feeling OK?”

I hated that question, but it came up so often. “Yeah, I’m feeling fine… Kind of restless though.”

“You go out at all today?”

“Nope, been kinda tired.”

“Wanna go for a walk?” Seth asked.

“Not really.” I said. I didn’t want to tell Seth that I was still feeling tired, otherwise he would worry. “Wanna go sit on the porch swing?” I asked, hoping that would be a good substitute.

“Sounds good.”

I grabbed my snuggie and wrapped my bald head in a scarf. It was spring, and warming up, but you couldn’t imagine how cold your head got until you no longer had hair covering it. Seth was already on the swing, having grabbed a beer on the way out of the house.

“So.” I said, plopping down and wrapping my snuggie around me. “What’s going on with you and Ella?”

“What is with your obsession with us?” His voice was light and joking, but I could hear some defense underneath.

“I don’t know.” I answered honestly, shrugging. “Just living vicariously, since I’m never going to have another real relationship.”

“Oh Chloe, stop it.” Seth answered.

“Contrary to popular belief Seth, bald is not beautiful.” I joked.

He was quiet for a moment, looking out over the yard. “You know I don’t like it when you get all pessimistic Chloe.”

“It was a joke, Seth. Lighten up.” Now my voice was guarded, annoyed.

“How are you really feeling?” He asked, looking at me. I knew there was no point in trying to lie to him.

“I’m tired.” I admitted. “Physically and emotionally, I’m just tired. Tired of feeling like crap, tired of being in hospitals, tired of people looking at me and wondering how I’m feeling… I’m tired of not being able to go out, I’m tired of sleeping all the time, I’m tired of head wraps and blankets and being cold all the time… I’m just done with the whole situation. Everyone’s expecting me to be this fighter Seth, and I want to be, but I’m just so tired.”

“I know you are Chloe.” He said, wrapping an arm around me. “I just wish I could do the fighting for you.”

We were both quiet for a moment, and I know that we were both thinking about my death. Would it be soon? Or, despite how tired I was lately, would I continue to fight, and make it out of this OK? I had no idea. Some days, I was so fired up, so sure I could beat this thing. Cancer wouldn’t bring me down, I’d end up being OK. Other days… Well, other days I could die right then and there, and I’d be happy. I was so over everything, I just wanted it to be over, whether that meant I beat the cancer or if it beat me.

“Let’s talk about something happier.” I said.

“Like what?” Seth said, cautiously.

“Like our trip to Grandpop’s house. Are you excited?”

Seth didn’t answer, just shrugged his shoulders. I took his lack of excitement to be from worrying about me, and I hated the fact that his worry could possibly ruin the trip.

“C’mon Seth, don’t be sad. The trip could do me a lot of good. Maybe being in the fresh air will help, give me a new mind-set, ya know? And they say laughter is the best medicine, I know we’re going to have tons of fun and lots of laughing.”

“Yeah.” He hesitated, and looked like he was about to say something, and then changed his mind.

Again, I blamed the crappy situation we were in. More than being sick, I hated the fact that I had pulled my family into all of this. I hated the fact that the worried over me. Even when I thought of death, I wasn’t sad or scared for me. By this point, I had accepted that death may just be it for me. But, I worried about leaving my family behind. Worried about what would happen to them, worried that they would hurt and miss me.

Though, instead of dwelling on death, I decided to blab on and on about my plans for Grandpops house, and chose to ignore the nagging feeling I had that Seth was not listening to me.