Nothin' 'bout love is less than confusing, you can win when you're losing..

I couldn’t figure out if I was mad, or if depressed was the better word for it. I had gotten in trouble with Drew for not being honest about the whole Jason deal, and Seth himself had asked me to be honest with him. I was honest and it had gotten me in trouble… Now where were we? Were we breaking up? Was it just a fight?

Honesty sucked.

I sat on the couch, pouting, going back and forth between mentally kicking myself and mentally kicking Seth. I mean did I even want to be with someone who said they wanted me to be honest and then got angry when I was? Didn’t that mean he was the one who was lying? That he didn’t want me to be honest at all? How could such a dumb little fight ruin everything?

Isn’t that always how it ended? I mean, look at Drew and I. A dumb little fight over someone I had slept with before I even started dating Drew had ruined us.

I decided just to forget about the whole thing. Seth needed to call and apologize, and if he didn’t… Well, I was done. I was so tired of dwelling on things that weren’t my fault, and this wasn’t my fault. Seth had asked for honesty. It wasn’t my fault that he couldn’t handle the truth.

I got up off the couch and went to the kitchen, letting Cumulus out the back door. Then I rummaged through the kitchen, looking for something to eat. I heard a knock on the front door, and was slightly confused. Had Matt forgotten his keys?

I peeked through the window, and there stood Seth. My heart did a flip, and I was surprised to see how relieved I felt to see him.

“Hi.” I said, opening the door. “Forget something?” I said, leaning up against the door casually. I was relieved to see him, but still a little hurt and pissed off. I wanted an apology.

“Yeah.” He said, sheepishly running his hand through his hair. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier… I thought I was right, but then I talked to Chloe and she made me see that really I was just being stupid. I just… I like you a lot Ella. I know it sounds like a cop out, but it scares me a little.”

“It does sound like a cop out. ‘I’m going to tell you to be honest and then get mad and run away when you do because I like you so much it scares me’?”

He smiled. “Well… When you put it like that…”

“Look Seth, the thing is, I don’t know where this thing is going to go. I know that I like you a lot, but I can’t predict the future, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t make any promises. I might hurt you, you might hurt me, or we could end up married with kids and sixty years down the road still be together. I don’t know. But I’m so sick of guys telling me that they like me or love me and then turn around and bolt. It makes absolutely no sense. If you like me so much, I should be worth sticking around for, whether or not we’re fighting, whether or not you like what I have to say. I understand there’s a risk involved, you might get hurt. But if you like me so much, that risk should be worth it. And if it’s not, then you can just leave now.”

He was quiet for a moment, his blue eyes searching my face for something. I held my breath, I had meant what I said. If he was just going to leave, he could leave now. But still, I didn’t want him to leave.

He reached up with his hand and stroked my face. “You really think we could still be together in sixty years?” He said, quietly, smiling a shy grin.

I shrugged, and smiled back. “Maybe. Will you still like me when I’m all wrinkly?”

“Well… I dunno about that.” He teased.

I gently slapped him and faked insult, to which he answered by pulling me close to him and kissing me.

“I’m sorry I got so upset. It was jealousy. You and Drew have a history, a long one. I realize that doesn’t go away over night… But I also don’t like it. I feel like I’d feel better if I got to know him better. Maybe we could double sometime? You know, him and Christi, me and you?”

I pulled away a little, surprised. “I mean, we’ll be spending time together, at your Grandpop’s house. Can’t you get to know him then?”

Seth shrugged. “You’re not really comfortable with us being around each other, are you?”

“No, that’s not it.” I said, turning around to walk into the house. Seth followed.

“Then what is it?”

I sighed. “I’m just not comfortable being around him. We used to be best friends, and then dating… It just destroyed everything. It’s so weird now. All we do is fight.”

“You guys seemed OK earlier.”

“Yeah well… We play nice.” I said, shrugging.

“Do you not want to go to Grandpop’s with them?” He asked.

“Not really. But, I don’t really have a good excuse not too.”

“The fact that you don’t want to go is a good enough reason.” He answered, laughing slightly.

“I know, but I don’t want to drag you guys into our drama. And Chloe’s finally feeling better, she deserves a break… I don’t know. Maybe the trip will be good for us. Maybe being forced to be together will help us go back to how we were.”

“You miss him?” He posed it as a question, but I knew it was more of a statement.

“Yeah, I do. He and Jason were such a big part of my life for so long. First I lost Jason, and we’re just starting to be OK. And now Drew… I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel like we’ll ever be OK again. He was my go to guy, ya know?”

“I can be your go to guy.” Seth said, a tad of jealousy seeping into his voice.

“And you are.” I said, smiling at him. “It’s just, a guy best friend is a good thing to have. If we’re having issues I can go to him and he can decode guy speak for me. He can tell me if I’m over reacting.” I paused, shrugging. “It was just a nice thing to have.”

He nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” I answered quietly.

Seth and I ate an unhealthy dinner, and I realized that since my life had calmed down, I wasn’t eating right, nor exercising like I should. I didn’t obsess over the scale, but I could tell I was gaining, and while a few pounds didn’t matter, I made a mental note to fit in some running time so a few pounds wouldn’t turn into ten or twenty.

We didn’t end up having sex that night, which I’ll admit, was kind of nice. Instead, we curled up in bed, watching old re-runs of I Love Lucy until we passed out. I was starting to feel like Seth and I were a real couple, not just dating, not just having sex, but like we were together.

The next morning, I left Seth sleeping on the bed while I hopped in the shower. He woke up as I was getting out, and after a quick peck on the cheek, got into the shower himself. We got ready side by side, and for the first time I got this weird feeling… I’m not sure if I’d call it déjà-vu, but it’s almost like a got a glimpse of the future. I could see us doing this in ten years, the only difference is there would (hopefully) be kids to wake up and get ready for school. I had never really been able to picture a future with someone so clearly… Maybe because I never really had too. With both Jason and Drew… They were just there. And with Jacob… Well, we were always so busy dealing with one issue after the other that I didn’t really have time to think of the future. With Seth is shocked and scared me.

However, I found myself daydreaming throughout the day of wedding dresses and baby names, and even caught myself doodling his last name with my first during a meeting. Misty saw me do it, and smiled a wide smile.

“I better get invited to the wedding.” She whispered to me. I couldn’t help but blush.

Did normal girls think like this? Hell, less than twenty four hours ago we were fighting, and I was wondering if we were going to make it, and now I was picking out china patterns?

I was both a little bummed and a little relieved when Seth told me he couldn’t hang out that night. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, but with all the feelings swirling around in my head, I just wanted some alone time to try to figure it out, or at least adjust to it all. I was looking forward to going home, watching mindless reality tv, and eating ice cream for dinner. (I know what I said about my diet. It starts tomorrow, I promise!)

Unfortunately, when I arrived home, I found my couch already occupied by Matt and Jarren. I pouted for a moment, but then realized some time with other people might also take my mind off of the many conflicting emotions I had about Seth.

Luckily, they agreed to watching bad reality TV with me, but Matt was against the ice cream for dinner idea. After a few moments of arguing, we finally agreed on Chinese. We placed our orders, and shortly thereafter, Matt left to go pick it up, giving Jarren and I our first alone time in awhile. For a split second, I contemplated confiding in her about Seth, but before I could decide whether or not this was a good idea, she took over the conversation.

“Matt is great, isn’t he? So cute. I’m so glad we both have someone for once. Seth seems nice.”

“Yeah, he is…” I was going to continue, tell her about the flash forward I had this morning, but she quickly spoke.

“You know who called me the other day though?”

“Who?”

“Greg.”

I was surprised. “I thought you two split?”

“We did. I have no idea why he called. He said he wanted to be friends. He asked me to come see his show at the club.”

“Are you going to go?” I asked, after a moment’s hesitation. Jarren and I were still on thin ice. I didn’t want her to feel as if I was controlling her, but Matt was my friend, and I wanted to protect him.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean he said friends, and I can always use friends. Not a slam towards you, but you’re so busy these days with Toni and work and all that…”

“Did you talk to Matt about it at all?”

“Why would I?” She asked, looking away from me. “I don’t want him to think I’m just trying to make him jealous. Besides, if all I am is just friends with Greg, what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is he may feel like you’re hiding something from him.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know, I still don’t know if I’ll meet him. I told him I’d get back to him on it.”

She quickly switched topics after that, probably because she didn’t find approval from me. I didn’t know how I felt about the whole thing, whether I should mind my own business, or mention something to Matt.

I decided since I didn’t know what Jarren was going to do, to keep the information to myself. But, I did not have a good feeling about it…