Thought I couldn't live without you, it's gonna hurt when it heals too...

I stood in the kitchen, flipping the card over in my hand, growing more and more confused. He was sorry? For what? For sleeping with me? Or for picking Kayla over me? He’d fix it? How was he going to fix it? Was he going to tell Kayla? Was he going to leave me alone? What was going on?

And, how was this ‘too personal’ to read over the phone? Matt didn’t know that I had slept with Jason. Nobody but Jarren did. I was expecting it to be a declaration of love or some gooey love note, or a sappy note for of regret. And all it was, was two sentences.

I had expected to feel sad, but instead I was just filled with anger. I was angry at Matt for making me worry over something that could quite possibly be nothing. I was angry at Jason for once again leaving me with so many unanswered questions.

I threw the card into the trash, and even though it was late, dialed Jason’s number.

“Hello?” He answered quietly. He didn’t sound like he had been asleep.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” I shouted.

“Ella…” I heard him rustling. I imagined him in bed with Kayla, slipping out as quietly as possible so she wouldn’t know.

“No. No. You don’t get to say anything, you just need to listen. I told you, you needed to figure your shit out. You needed to get it together and decide what you were going to do. And you need to leave me out of it. All I want from you Jason is to leave me alone.”

“So. You got the flowers.” Was what he answered.

“Yeah. And you’re stupid cryptic note.”

“What about the letter?”

That stopped me in my tracks.

“What letter?” I asked, looking on the counter for something I missed.

“I wrote a letter. It should have come with the flowers. You know those little cards they give you to write in are like an inch big. I couldn’t say everything I needed to say.”

“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. I’m done. Do you understand that? I’ve been doing this for years Jason, and every time it’s the same thing. It never changes, and it’s just so old. You go back to your wife. You do right by her, and you stay the hell away from me.” I said, slamming the phone down.

I was worked up, and angry. I was tearing up the kitchen, looking for this stupid letter. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when I found it. I kept bouncing between tearing it up, reading it, or just… I don’t know. I knew now, nothing that Jason was going to tell me was going to matter. He was just hot air, a mirage, full of promises, but not action. I had Drew, and Drew was what I wanted all along.

“Ella, what are you doing?”

I jumped a mile in the air. I turned around and saw a groggy Matt, half asleep, looking very confused.

“Did I get a letter?”

“What?”

“I just called Jason. He said a letter came with his flowers.”

“Oh…” Matt was looking more awake now. He spotted the tiny card that was in the trash. “Here.” He said, handing it to me.

“No. A letter. Not a card. A letter.”

“Ella…” He trailed off. He was looking guilty.

“What did you do with it?” I snapped.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“Quit lying. You said that whatever he said was too personal to read. Nothing on that card was personal. What did you do with the letter he sent?”

“Ella…” He tried again.

“NO!” I cut him off. “The letter Matt. All I want to know is where the letter is.”

“Gone.” He said, looking me in the eyes.

“Where?”

“I threw it away. You didn’t need to read it Ella, it was only going to hurt you.”

I stopped looking for it, and stood, staring at him.

“Ella..” He started again.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” I managed to spit out. I realized it was the same thing I had said to Jason moments earlier.

“I just…”

“No. I’m a big girl. I’ve been dealing with Jason a long time before you came.”

“And you’re not doing so hot with it, are you now?” He snapped back.

“Every guy who waltzes into my life thinks he needs to protect me from myself. And none of them stop to think about who’s going to protect me from them when they inevitably turn into a huge jackass.” I snapped back, walking around him and into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

To say I was pissed off would be an understatement. I don’t know how I ended up with all these self righteous jackasses in my life who thought that they could do whatever they wanted. I was mad at Jason for thinking that sending me flowers was just going to undo all the damage that he had done. There was no doubt in my mind that he thought of those flowers as a peace offering. A “let’s go back to how we were” token. Now, without the letter, I didn’t know if he wanted to go back to the us that we were when we were a couple, or the us that we were when he was with Kayla. And then there was Matt. While it was true that no matter what the letter revealed, I was done with Jason, I still wanted to know. I had every right to know. I was so sick of having these guys jump in and act like it’s their right to decide what was best for me. It’s true that Jason had broken a part of me that I didn’t know if I could ever fix, it was true that he hurt me, and it’s true that some of that was my own fault. That sometimes I did let him hurt me. But, it was also true that every time Jason pushed me down or left, I got back up. I was taking OK care of myself. I was still standing after all.

I didn’t sleep. I tried too, but I was just so angry. I gave up and got dressed, slipping out of the house and heading to work early. I had a lot of work to catch up on anyway, and I didn’t feel like bumping into Matt this morning. I was hoping to be able to avoid him at work.

I drove to work blasting Elton John, trying to sing myself into a better mood. I knew if I saw anyone while I was this pissed off, I wouldn’t be able to help but take my piss poor mood out on them. That wasn’t fair. However, Elton couldn’t do the trick. I took comfort in knowing that it would be a few hours before anyone came in, and I would let myself wallow for a little bit and just hope that when I saw someone, I could fake it and not bite their heads off.
I let myself in with my key, locking the door behind me. The neighborhood wasn’t that great, and I always hated coming in early, because the building was big and creepy and made lots of weird noises. I made sure to flip on a lot of lights along the way to my office to make it feel a little better.

I sat at my desk, flipping open my email. I smiled when I saw I had one from Drew.

Hey-
We’re idiots! Thanksgiving in on Thursday, and it looks like both of us forgot. I have a short week. Is it OK if head up there Wednesday night and do Thanksgiving with your family? I can spend the weekend. I miss you and can’t believe I have to wait three days to see you.

With all the drama going on, I did completely forget about Thanksgiving. I knew my parents wouldn’t care about Drew coming, but I did make a mental note to call my Mom and ask if I could bring anything, and I should probably tell them that Drew and I were dating. I knew my Mom would be excited about that. She loved Drew.
Only three more days to see him. Maybe this week wouldn’t be so horrible. I wondered though, if Matt was planning on going home, or if I should suck it up and be polite and ask him to my families house?

Whatever Wednesday: Happy Holidays?

This whatever Wednesday is going to be a modge podge of things, I think, mainly because I have a couple of things I want to talk about. The first one is: What's the big deal with asking people to say Happy Holidays?

I don't like to really get into political/religious conversations, because people tend to feel SO strongly about these sorts of things, and debating just takes up too much energy, and almost always ends in people fighting. But the whole Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas debate? I just don't see what the big deal is.

I, like Ella, worked in an agency for inner city kids. For four years I worked in the winters as an after-school program worker, and then in the summer I was a camp counselor (which, I currently go back too in the summers to teach some sort of class. And I just found out from my meeting last week that if camp happens this year {budget cuts and a new director that hates camp} I'll probably be back full time.) Anyway, after four years of large groups of children, who were usually unruly, with parents who didn't really care much about their behavior, I got a little burnt out. I left the Settlement house to go into private childcare, and was a nanny for two little Jewish girls.

Before nanny-ing for these girls, I hadn't really known anyone who was Jewish. My Mom's college best friend was, but we weren't around enough to really know what it was like, and, she's not really a... Hardcore Jew I guess I would say. I didn't really think about Christmas, and how it's just every where. I talked to the girl's mother a couple of times, and she admitted that sometimes it was hard. If you think about it, walk into a store this time of year, and what do you see? Santa's and Christmas Tree's, presents wrapped up for Christmas morning. And what's playing over the loud speaker? Christmas music. Occasionally you might spot a random Menorah, or a Star of David or Driedel (forgive my spelling, I can speak a TEENY bit of Hebrew from my time with this family, but don't even ask me to spell it.) And I was just shocked when a total stranger walked up to me once when I was shopping with the youngest girl and asked her if she was excited for Santa.

People are SO scared of their rights being trampled on, they don't stop to think about other people's rights. Obviously there are MORE Holidays going on around Christmas time than just Christmas and Hannukah, but that's my point. How often do you hear about THOSE holidays? You don't. Last week at the Wildlights Member Preview Night (a light show at the zoo) I was thinking about the girls and wondering if I may bump into them. And then I realized, no. I wouldn't. Christmas music was blaring, Santa was there... It was just all Christmas.

I'm not a Christmas hater. I don't want them to take down all the decorations, that would be sad. But it would be nice to be a little more inclusive. And if that can start with merely subbing "Happy Holidays" for "Merry Christmas" well... Why not? If someone is wearing a big Christmas Tree sweater or a Santa hat, then sure, go ahead and assume that they're the Christmas Celebrating kind, but if you don't know, why not just play it safe? What do you guys think?

Anyway, let's move on to tattoos. I know a lot of you read bedroom blog, and it was recently discussed that the main character got a tattoo. What about you guys? Do you have any? Want any? Regret any?

I have three. One is on the back of my neck, one is on my wrist, the other is on my lower leg. I don't regret any of them, but I do regret the placement of the one on my wrist. I wish I would have gotten it on my ankle or somewhere where I could have hidden it better. The one on the back of my neck is my nickname (Lo) the one on my calf is my son's newborn footprint, along with his name and date of birth, and then one on my wrist is a shamrock with the words "anam cara" (I got it with my best friend, it means "soul friend" in gaelic) I want more desperately (I want to get one in memory of my Dad, as well as the words "No day but today", and I will do footprints for any future children, and when I'm done I may get a quote from the Footprints Poem placed somewhere near them: "my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.") But a.) Tattoos are not cheap, at least not here they aren't. The one I got with my best friend was done in Memphis, it was only 20 bucks, which was amazing, but also done by a friend of my friend, so we probably got a discount. The one on the back of my neck (which is small, just my nickname: Lo) was 40 bucks, and the one on my leg was 120. Which, I realize to some people is nothing (I know people who spend hundreds, even thousands on tattoos.) But it's a lot of money to me. Here's a picture of my favorite tattoo (the one for my son):


Not a great picture, and it was taken right after it was done, so it's a little red. Here's the one on the back of my neck (it's orange because I took it with my camera phone which had a weird tint to it for some reason):

And here's the one of my wrist, with my best friends (her's is on her ankle, so mine isupside down in the picture)



OK, now on to the next bit of business, my Father In Law. He's scheduled to get his heart stents in on the 10th. I don't think I'll be going this time. I'd like to be there, but it was just a lot of work and stress to try to reorganize things so I could be there, and Cayden didn't really handle the changes all that well. If my Mom can get off work and take Cayden, then I'll probably go. So, if I'm home there will be a post. If I'm not home... Then we're going to skip it. There will also probably not be any posts for the rest of this week. As most of you know (though I do realize some of you live in other countries that don't celebrate Thanksgiving) It is Thanksgiving. I'll be going out of town for the day, and when I come back, we usually tend to try to go see a movie. Then Friday, we're going to attempt to do some basic black friday shopping (my first time, I'm a little nervous!) And we may take a trip to go back and see the Wildlights, I'm not sure.

But, back to my Father in law, thank you guys again for all the support. You've been fantastic. Life's gotten a little bit easier, and I don't feel so sad or stressed, at least about my Father in Law. In other news, my period is now 10 days late. I'm super emotional (I sobbed at the end of Jon and Kate plus 8, and I don't even really like that show.) but I've taken 5 pregnancy tests now (I know, it's a little excessive) and still nada. To top it off, one of my friends just found out she's pregnant, so I'm really jealous. It's one of my worst traits, I am a horribly jealous person. I also don't know if she's trying to rub in my face that she's pregnant (she keeps telling me things like she feels like it's a girl, and her lunar calendar says it's a girl... And I know, you're laughing, a Chinese Lunar calendar to predict the sex? You're nuts! But really, I've heard from a lot of people, and looked at it myself, that it works. It worked for my brother, sister, me, my son, my husband... I'll have to post a link sometime and you guys can look and tell me if it was right for your kids!) Anyway, she knows I want a girl, she knows I want to be pregnant, and I can't tell if she's just super excited about it (I know I would be) or if she's trying to rub my face in it. I know I shouldn't be so paranoid, but growing up my group of close friends were a bunch of jealous backstabbers. When I realized this, I kinda left the group, but it took me YEARS to realize what crappy friends we were to each other (and I was included in being crappy to them) So now with some of my friends, especially friends that are newer, I'm just super paranoid. Plus, as I told you before, there's that jealousy issue. I dunno. My one hope is though, that she was 16 days late with her period, and took 3 tests that were negative before she got her positive. So I'm hanging on to some hope that it'll happen with me. I know this makes me sound a little nuts... But I think most women who have tried to get pregnant will agree, that once you decide you want to be pregnant, pregnancy can't come fast enough. It just upsets me too, that my period is late. I feel like we can start trying again until I get it.

I think that covers it all for today. I know I have a poopy diaper to change, a shower to take, and errands to run (I have to take my brother to a job interview, and my sister shopping. But Jeremy gets off early today, so Yay for that!)

Oh, and two found freebies for you guys (thanks to www.freebies4mom.com, which I still need to add to the bloglist): The Bonnie Hunt Show is giving away 250,000 of these photobooks. The books cost 40 dollars, then shipping is also free, and that's 8.99, so it's an amazing deal, IF you can get it. I did mine late yesterday and they were still available (they don't tell you if they're still available or not until you go to check out and enter the code) But, I personally think it's worth the time. I did it on Firefox though, and it did give me a technical error a few times, but if I refreshed (sometimes I had to refresh twice) it would come back. I also noticed that you can't upload a TON of pictures at once, if you do, it won't let you upload them, so I uploaded mine in groups of 20. It did take some time, but I would upload, then go away while it was uploading and do some work, and come back to upload more. This deal is ONLY for the 20 page book, so if you upload a billion pictures, you'll have to pay for any additional pages you want. Depending on the layout you use (which you can change on each page) you can use anywhere from 1 to I think 12 pictures on a page. My photobooks held like 80 pictures I think? Search for the product: #3157086 to make sure you're getting the right book. The coupon code to enter at checkout is BONNIE.

Secondly, if you need free photocards, either for the Holidays, or you want to make thank you cards, or whatever, you can go here (this is also thanks to www.freebies4mom.com) http://www.seehere.com/, The freebie is for 50 free cards (you have to order 50 total, but it can be in any kind of increments, for example I made 10 thank you cards, 20 Christmas cards, a birthday card for my cousin and Mom, and then 18 New Years cards) It does end November 30th, and right now you DO have to pay shipping (they were giving free shipping, but I guess so many people used the offer that they had to cut back.) It's also only good on the 4x8 cards. Shipping is less than 4 dollars, so to get 50 photocards for 4 bucks really is a deal. The coupon code for this is: freebies4mom-1109 A lot of people are saying they had to type in the code in order to get it to work, NOT copy and paste it.

I however think that these offers are only good if you live in America, so sorry for my readers outside the country!

You guys should check our freebies4mom, it's NOT just for Mom (though they do have lots of kid stuff) but they often post free samples, coupons, good deals, ect. I love the site.

What are you guys doing for Thanksgiving? Are any of you going out on Black Friday?

When you see my face, hope it gives you hell

It was easy, being with Jacob. I had thought it was easy to be with Jason, but after being with Jacob I realized that Jason and I spent most of our time arguing. While it could be compared to the great love story of Allie and Noah from The Notebook, most of the time it didn’t feel that romantic, just exhausting. Jason and I both had such short tempers, and big buttons that both of us knew how to push. We were constantly setting each other off. Jacob and I just had fun, and it didn’t matter what we were doing, it was just… Fun.

I didn’t get much sleep being with him either, but it’s not because of why you might think. While we did plenty of… Well, that, mostly it was because we’d lay down in bed together, planning on sleeping, and just start talking. I could talk with Jacob for hours, and we never ran out of things to say. We’d start off on something simple, what we were going to do tomorrow, and the next thing we knew, the conversation would have branched out into what we were doing for the rest of our lives, and then what we thought the future was like, and if we’d ever get the point where the Jetsons were a reality…. We’d bounce from one place to another, one rambling, pointless conversation after another, and the next thing I knew, it was four AM and we were both wide awake.

It was in one word, amazing. I did spend some time with his Mom, as well. She told me that while she loved her rough and tumble boy, she did always want a daughter, and looked forward to the day when Jacob settled down and she’d have one. She took me shopping, to the spa, out to eat… And she was so much like Jacob that it was easy being with her too. So easy, in fact, I often found myself forgetting she was his Mother and gushing on and on about how great he was. At one point I even let it slip that I could easily see myself marrying Jacob. As soon as it came out, I was horrified. I had only physically been with Jacob for a week, if that, and while we did talk through email while he was deployed, that was still not even a year. Who says things like that? I was afraid I looked like some crazy clingy freak who just had her sights set on marrying the first man that came alone.

Jacob’s Mom, however, just laughed. And then she told me that if Jacob was lucky enough to get me, she’d certainly be happy to have me as her daughter-in-law. That made me beam. I was so used to Jason, again, and his family who, with the exception of his little sister, barely tolerated me. His Dad was such an angry man, and his Mother such a broken woman that I never got to know them. And here I was, feeling like I was best friends with Sandy after only a little bit of quality time.
Everything was going so great, but still, I was paranoid. Every place Jacob took me, I wondered if Michelle would be there. Things were going so great, that I couldn’t help but think that someone or something would pop up to ruin it. I didn’t think I was a pessimistic person, but it seemed to me that when it came to relationships, it was never this easy.

“So. How’s it going?” Toni asked me one night I was there. She had called to tell me that they had seen the baby for the first time on ultrasound, a tiny little blob that Nick had named Ping, since they didn’t know the sex and it looked so much like a ping pong ball.

“Good. Really good. I just can’t wait to get home though.”

“Why? Sandy driving you nuts?” I heard her munch down on something.

“No. She’s great, but being here just puts me on edge. I kept expecting

Michelle to pop up and cause some drama. What are you eating?” I asked, slightly annoyed at the loud crunches in my ear.

“Celery. It’s so good.” She said, munching some more. “Michelle’s not going to pop back up, so just relax and have a good time.”

“You hate celery. And how do you know that Michelle’s not going to show up somewhere? She’s like, fifteen different types of crazy. I think random stalker is included in that.”

“She’s crazy, yes. I’ll give you that. She’s also smart, and she just took a HUGE blow to the ego. She’s not going to come back right now. She’s too busy licking her wounds and plotting. I don’t think she’s gone for good, but I think she’s smart enough to wait until you’re gone before she makes a move.”

“Oh great.” I moaned, “now I just need to worry about her making a play for Jacob when I’m not around.”

“Yeah. I mean, she’ll try. But, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Jacob wouldn’t have picked you over her if he didn’t really want you. He’s not a game player, if he wanted her, he would have chose her. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“How do you know all this stuff?”

I heard Toni munch down on another piece of celery. It cracked loudly in my ear.

“I don’t know. It’s like, if I were still dating, I probably would have told you to be paranoid, and watch your back and protect your man and all that. Once you get married though, it’s like the clouds part and you can see other people’s relationships so clearly.”

“Well thanks for sharing your wisdom, oh wise one.” I joked.

“Thanks for listening to me and not wrecking the best relationship you’ve had yet.” She joked back.

I took Toni’s advice to heart, and decided the next day with Jacob (which happened to be my last in his hometown) I would relax. I would stop looking for Michelle every place we went, stop panicking every time I saw a girl who looked slightly like her, and I would just have fun.

We spent the day with his Mom, going to all the museums and local hot spots they had in their town. You know the kinds of places you go to during every school field trip? We went to a bunch of those. We hit favorite local restaurants for breakfast and lunch, and Jacob’s Mom cooked us a huge homemade meal for dinner. I really felt like I had an idea of who Jacob was now, an inside look as to how he grew up. I could picture him, a little boy, (although when I picture adults as children it’s always the adult head plastered onto a child’s body,) running the streets, playing soccer, raising hell. All the stories Sandy had told me really came together in my head, and I really felt like I knew Jacob a whole lot better.

“So, kids. What are you up too tonight?” Sandy asked, clearing away our dinner plates. I stood up to help her.

“I wanted to take Ella over to the club. See what we can get into.”

Sandy paused, and gave Jacob a look. “Are you sure you want to do that?”
“Yeah. Why not?” Jacob answered, shrugging.

“Well, Ella can’t really dance, not with her ankle. It’s going to be loud and hot…”

“Yeah, but Ella likes music, and they’ll have a live band. We can just go and sit and listen.” Jacob argued back.

Sandy gave him another long look. Then she turned to me. “Does that sound like something you want to do hon?”

Now it was my turn to shrug. “If it’s too much we can always leave. Right?” I asked, looking at Jacob.

“Right.” He answered.

After I got freshened up, I went to meet Jacob downstairs. He was in the kitchen with his Mom. I could tell that they were arguing, but their tones were harsh, and I couldn’t make out what they were arguing about. I tried to eavesdrop for a few moments, straining my ears, afraid that they were fighting over something I did, but I still couldn’t hear. I decided that it was better to not know, rather than to get caught listening in, so I walked into the kitchen where Jacob and his Mom stopped talking.

“Well. Have fun kids.” She said, her voice strained. She was giving Jacob that look again.

“We will.” Jacob answered, breezing out of the house.

“What was that all about?” I asked once we were in his car.

“What?”

“You and your Mom? Arguing? She was shooting you looks? Did I do something?”

“No. God no, Ella. She loves you. So much I think if she could disown me and adopt you she would.”

“Well, then what’s going on?”

“She’s just worrying over dumb stuff. You know, she’s a Mom.” He answered.

Even though he didn’t really tell me anything, I decided to drop it. I was here to have fun, and as long as I hadn’t done something to piss off Sandy then I wasn’t going to worry about it.

Jacob let me out in front of the club and went to go find a parking spot. It was a little chilly, and I was glad he had handed me his coat before he left. I wrapped it around me and leaned up against the wall, trying to get support. My arms were starting to kill me, being on crutches, but at the very least they were also starting to get toned.

Jacob walked up a few moments later, and we went to go stand in line. He wrapped his arms around me, rubbing my arms to help warm me up. I snuggled into him, excited for an evening of music and dancing… Well, chair dancing for me. I loved live music, and I got excited over the prospect of finding a new band to listen too. We talked while we waited, we had gotten there early, and while that meant good seats for us, it also meant waiting a little bit until they decided to let people in.

I was feeling relaxed, chatting with Jacob about the places I was going to take him when he came to visit me. I should have known that’s when it would happen.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her. Or at least I thought I did. I had seen Michelle all over the place since getting her. I turned to get a better look, to assure myself that it wasn’t in fact her.

It was her. And just as I was trying to duck her, to avoid being seen, she turned and spotted us.

There's a danger in loving somebody too much

I held the flimsy little card in my hand. He couldn’t have written too much, it was about the size of a post-it note. Still, that tiny card scared the crap out of me. I kept debating on reading it or throwing it away, going back and forth and at one point I walked all the way over to the trash can to chuck it. However, I knew that if I didn’t read it, I’d always wonder what it said. I was half afraid Matt was going to walk back into the kitchen, and see me looking like a complete nut job. I finally decided to just open it, rip the band-aid off so to speak, so that I could have a good cry over whatever it said, and move on.

Just as I was lifting the flap to remove the card, my cell phone rang, causing me to jump about a mile in the air. I assumed it was Drew, calling to make sure I got home OK.

“Hey Drewbie. I’m home and safe and I miss you.” I said, flipping it open without looking at the caller ID.

“Oh… Well. I’m glad you’re home and safe, but it’s not Drewbie.” Greg chuckled.

Oh no. I had forgotten entirely about Greg.

“Oh hey Greg. How are you?”

“Good. I’m glad your home. I did miss you.”

My stomach turned. I didn’t want to have this conversation. It had been such a great weekend and now it was having such a crappy ending from the card and now from Greg. I wished so badly that I would have looked at the caller ID and could have ignored the call. I still would have to tell Greg eventually that I was with someone, but I wouldn’t have to do it tonight.

“Well… I’m glad to be home.” I answered, hoping he wouldn’t hear the hesitation in my voice.

“I was wondering if you were busy tomorrow? I’d like to see you.” He sounded shy, which made me feel even worse.

“I can’t…”

“Sometime this week then?”

“I… Ah. I can’t.”

“Busy with work?”

“No… I mean, sort of. I was out for half a week so I’m sure I’ll be working late, I do have a lot to catch up on. But, Greg… I’m kind of…”

“Dating someone?” He finished for me. “It’s Drew, isn’t it?”

I didn’t say anything.

“I knew it.” He sighed.

“It just sort of happened.” I explained weakly.

“Whatever. It’s not like we were exclusive. It was bound to happen anyway.” He sounded angry, but I didn’t want to get into it with him. He was right, we weren’t exclusive, and he had no real reason to be angry.

“Well, I better go. I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow and it’s late.”

“Yeah. Bye.” He answered, hanging up.

It shocked me, a little, that he basically hung up on me like that. He seemed so angry, and over what? In the short time that we were together, we had gotten into one blow up argument over nothing really. We weren’t exclusive, I hadn’t cheated on him or done anything wrong. His anger was misplaced, and it kind of put me off a little.

Since the phone was in my hand, I decided that I should call Drew and let him know that I made it home OK.

“Hey you.” He answered. His voice made me smile.

“Hey yourself.”

“You home?”

“Yeah. It’s good to be here, but I wish you were here too.”

“Well, I talked to my Dad and he’s gonna let me leave early on Friday, so I should be there by the time you get off work. I was thinking I could take you out on a real date.”

“What are we going to do?”

“I haven’t really decided yet. But I think it should be a surprise.”

“I’m not very good at surprises Drew.”

“Mmm, that’s too bad. I’m very good at them. Speaking of surprises, guess who emailed me today?”

“Who?”

“Jason.”

Again, I felt my heart stop. I wondered if he had told Drew about what happened, and if he hadn’t, should I tell Drew? Drew had said he didn’t want to hear anything else about Jason and I. I chewed my bottom lip, wondering what to do.

“Ella? Did you hear what I said?”

“No, sorry. Cumulus was distracting me.” I lied.

“He’s coming home for a weekend in a few weeks. He wanted to get together. What do you say?”

“No!” I yelled.

“What?” Drew asked, sounding confused. “You don’t want to see Jason? I mean do you think it’ll be awkward or something since we’re together?”

“No. Sorry. That no was for the dog.” I lied again. “But the answers still no. I mean Jason and I are in a weird place right now… We’re not really talking. And, I mean, it’s getting into the busy season with the agency, and there’s Christmas parties and Thanksgiving dinner… And I missed all that work this past week…. I shouldn’t leave again.”

“OK. Well. I was planning on coming up every weekend if I could to see you, but do you care if I skip that weekend? It’s been awhile since Jay and I hung out.”

“No. No. It’s fine. I can spare you.” I joked.

“You can? I thought I was irreplaceable.” Drew sniffed, acting hurt.

“Someone lied to you.” I said, laughing. “But I better go. It’s late, and I should go in early tomorrow to start playing catch up.”

“Alright well. Sweet dreams.”

“You too.” I answered. “Bye.”

I hung up with Drew and went back to the card. Did it matter what it said? I mean did I need to put myself through all this when I already had a great guy? A guy that had been there for me since the beginning, and through it all, had never given up on me? What was so special about Jason? Why did he have such a hold on me, and was there anything I could do to break it?

I could start with throwing this stupid card away. And his stupid flowers, which is what I did.

I got a snack, let Cumulus out, and jumped in the shower so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it in the morning. I watched some TV with Matt, trying to keep him away from his phone. He had went from feeling bad for Kellie, to becoming annoyed by her, and then moving on to just pissed off. I made him turn off his phone and come sit with me, assuring him that by morning she would have filled up his voicemail and wouldn’t be able to leave anymore messages. I was also trying to distract myself from the note in the trash. I knew that I was right, I knew that reading it wouldn’t do anything for me, except possibly mess everything up between Drew and I, I knew that if I read the note I would most likely want to respond, and there was nothing I could say to fix this situation. Really, the best thing for me to do was to ignore it and hoped that it just went away on it’s on.

I finally turned off the TV and Matt and I went to bed. I laid there for hours, still talking to myself, one second telling myself it was OK to read it, the next second talking myself out of it. I actually managed to fall asleep a couple times, only to dream about the note and what it may have said. There were a couple variations, one of Jason confessing his undying love to me, and saying he had left Kayla, another of him saying he knew about Drew and I and threatened to kill Drew. The last one was strange, it was just a grocery list containing all the foods I hated, from onions to hot sauce. In my dream I stood there for hours trying to figure out what it meant. Finally, when I woke from the last one, I had had enough. I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the card out of the trash and opened it.
All it said was: “I’m sorry. I'll fix it.”

I love this bar?

Jacob, Sandy and I walked up the rooms.

“See you in a few.” Sandy called, going into her room to change.

Jacob and I went into his room, where he went into the bathroom to change into his own bathing suit. He came out a few moments later.

“Go ahead and go down. I think I should call Toni and make up with her. I’ll come down in a little bit.” I said, sitting down on the bed.

“OK.” He answered, crossing the room to kiss me quickly before he left the room to meet his Mom. I waited for a few minutes to make sure they were gone and wouldn’t be busting back in for a forgotten towel or something. Then I dialed Toni’s number.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Still mad at me?” I asked.

She sighed. “Ella, I was never mad. I just think sometimes you make stupid choices.”

“What did I do, exactly, that was stupid?”

“You spent the night with Jason! What was that about? You are dating someone, it’s time to stop acting like you’re dating each other!”

“I spent the night with Jason after I left the hotel room to be with my boyfriend and caught him canoodling with some little hussy.”

“Whatever Ella. I just think sometimes you mix your own recipe for disaster. Why are you calling anyway? Just to make sure I’m not angry?”

“I mean that’s part of it.”

“Well what’s the other part?” She asked, sounding frustrated.

“I saw Jacob’s mom in a bar last night.”

“So? I’m pretty sure she’s old enough to drink.”

“Yeah, but she told me tonight that she’s a recovering alcoholic.”

“Again, I repeat: so? The girl can’t see in a bar and sip a diet coke?”

“She can. But see, we were at dinner and the waiter wanted us to leave, but we still wanted to talk, so I suggested we go to the bar. And she said being in a bar made her uncomfortable.”

“Ella, honey, what’s your point?”

“I just find it odd that I see her in a bar, and the next day she tells me just being in a bar makes her uncomfortable. If that’s true, then why was she in the bar?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, do you think I should talk to Jacob about it? Or maybe Sandy?” I asked, biting a nail.

“Ella, this is what I meant by mixing up your own recipe for disaster. You just got the guy to drop his friend, and now you want him to confront his Mom about something that may or may not have happened?”

“I saw her Toni!”

“You think you saw her. Did you go and talk to her?”

“Well, no. I was trying to leave with Jason to get to you guys…”

“So you may have just seen someone who looked like her. Or you may have seen her in the bar, but she was just trying to get some change for the vending machine. You don’t know. Why do you want to go open a whole can of worms over something you don’t know anything about? And quite frankly hon, it’s none of your business.”

“I know, I just want to be there for him…”

“And should anything happen Ella, you can be. But right now you don’t even know for sure if that was her. You’re jumping the gun and it’s gonna backfire of you.”

“Yeah…” I trailed off. I knew Toni was right, but I still wanted to know what was going on.

“Ella.” Her tone was warning. “Drop it, OK? You’re lucky enough that he’s still around after you went off on his friend like that. He obviously likes you, you like him, and he’s a good guy. Don’t ruin this just because you’re curious.”

“Alright, alright.” I gave in.

We talked for a few moments longer, making plans to eat breakfast tomorrow before I left to go home with Jacob. I was only spending two days there, and then I had to be back at work. Jacob was going to come home with me for a few days, and then he was going to spend what he had left of his leave at home with his Mom. Thinking of him leaving again made my heart ache a little. I felt like these last few days were so drama filled that I hadn’t actually gotten any quality time with Jacob. I was looking forward to spending some alone time with him, and prayed that my visit in his home town would be relatively drama free.

I got off the phone with her and headed downstairs where I sat by the pool and watch Jacob and his Mom splash around. I thought I would be bored, or bummed because I loved the water and hated the fact that I had to sit it out. But Jacob and his Mom ended up keeping me so entertained with stories and jokes, that I forgot that I wasn’t in the water with them.

After about an hour, Sandy said she was exhausted and headed upstairs to go to bed. Jacob stayed in the water for a little while longer, and I ventured over to a dry spot, putting my un-casted leg in the water and leaving my casted leg splayed out on Jacob’s towel.

Finally, after about fifteen minutes, Jacob pulled himself out of the pool.

“Ew.” I whined. “You’re dripping on me.” I said as he came over to get his towel.

He smiled an evil grin, shook himself like a dog, and then to top it all off, reached down and wrapped me in a tight, wet, long hug.

“Jacob!” I squealed. “You’re getting me wet!”

He pulled away and shot me another evil look, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

“Ew, perv!” I laughed, pushing him away. “You’re getting me wet and NOT in that way!”

“Let’s go to the room and get you out of these wet clothes.” He said, laughing and wiggling his eyebrows again. “We’ll see if I can get you wet in any other ways.”

“You are SUCH a pervert.” I said, reaching for his hand as he pulled me to his feet.

“You love it.” He answered, holding out my crutches to me. I just rolled my eyes as we headed up towards the room.

“Oh shoot.” I said while we were waiting for the elevators. “I forgot my book at the pool.”

“Want me to go grab it?” He asked.

“Yeah. I’ll sit in the lobby and wait for you.” I answered and he jogged off to grab my book. I plopped down in one of the overstuffed chairs, almost choking on a huge plotted plant that was so overgrown it was sharing the chair with me. As I fought my way through it, I saw Jacob’s Mom get off the elevator. I watched her, open mouthed, as she once again entered the bar.

Jacob came back while I was still toying with whether or not I should tell him his Mom was in the bar. I had wanted the rest of our time to be drama free, but… Didn’t he have a right to know? However, what if it was like Toni said, and had some innocent explanation? While lost in my thoughts, we had already made it to the room, it was too late to point out his mom in the bar. I wondered still, if I should take him back down there and show him.

“So.” I said, trying to sound casually as I sifted through my bag for dry pajamas. “What’s your Mom doing tonight?”

“I think just hanging out in her room. She said she was really tired, so she’s probably just going to crash.” Jacob answered. “I’m not concerned about her.” He said, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Oh yeah?” I said giggling. “And what are you concerned about?”

“I told you already. Getting you out of those wet clothes.”

And as he started kissing my neck and my ear, I’ll admit, I forgot all about his Mother.

Sometimes love just ain't enough

Drew and I spent the rest of the day trying to get to know each other all over again. Of course, I had known Drew most of my life, and I thought I knew him inside and out, but there were parts of him I didn’t know. Like the way his lips felt on mine, how my hand fit inside of his, the way his hair felt running through my fingers. I had originally planned on leaving shortly after lunch, but I stayed on through dinner, trying to get to know him in this new way.

“I wish I could wake up next to you tomorrow.” He said, as we stood out by my car.
“I wish that too.” I answered, leaning my head against his chest. “I wish I hadn’t called off so much last week, I could have stayed longer.”

He held me for a moment, and I loved feeling this close to him. Drew and I had obviously hugged before, but I just felt so much closer to him for some reason. I couldn’t get enough.

“Well. Do you mind if I make a trip there this weekend?”
I smiled up at him. “Do you even really have to ask?”

He squeezed me, and then let me go.

“Alright Ella. I hate to see you leave, but you’ve gotta make him home at a decent hour. It’s late enough as it is.”

“I know.” I said, but I still didn’t move.

Drew leaned down to give me one last lingering kiss. Then, after opening my door, he gave me a gentle nudge. I got in the car, and drove away, not taking my eyes off his shrinking figure in the rearview until it was completely gone.

I was sad to be without him, and there was a sort of emptiness I got when I left. Still, there was also a giddiness, and I sang stupid love pop songs to Cumulus all the way home.

Even though I was bummed to leave Drew, I was really glad to be home, and so was Cumulus. He started whining once we hit our neighborhood, and when I let him out of the car, he hiked his leg on what seemed like every blade of grass in my front yard. I finally drug him inside, leaving my suitcase in the car. I was notoriously bad an unpacking, I had been known to live out of a suitcase for months when I returned from a vacation. The only exception to that rule was my camp clothes. After a week of having my clothes marinate in sweat and dirt inside my laundry bag, I didn’t ever procrastinate dropping those straight into the washer.

I opened the door and was greeted with Matt shouting on the phone. I couldn’t really make out what he was saying, I could just tell his voice was loud. I wasn’t sure whether or not I should go and announce that I was home, but then I heard him swear and throw what I assumed to be the phone down. He threw open his door and came face to face with me.

“Ella!” He yelled. I winced. “Sorry.” He said, his tone normal. “You’re home late. When did you get here?”

“Just a few minutes ago. I stayed longer than I planned on today.” I said, looking Matt up and down. He looked horrible, his eyes were bloodshot, his hair was mussed, and he was sporting a serious five o’clock shadow.

“Oh. Did you have fun?” Matt asked. His phone started to ring on his bad, and he shot it the evil eye.

“Yeah, it was just what the doctor ordered.” I answered.

We stood there for a moment. His phone stopped ringing and then immediately started again.

“Do you need to get that?” I asked, pointing to his bed.

“No. It’s just Kellie.” He said, shrugging it off.

“Ooook. How’d your visit go?” I asked, walking to the kitchen where Cumulus was waiting to be fed.

He sighed, loudly.

“She took the news that great, eh?” I said, laughing slightly as I scooped out Cumulus’ food.

“She freaked out. Said if I loved her so much that I wouldn’t even consider moving without her. She said that all her friends ask her over and over again when she’s going to be getting a ring, and now she’s going to have to tell them that I’m leaving her behind. Went three different kinds of ape shit crazy, demanding to know what the future held for us, and if I was planning on purposing. She said that if I wasn’t sure by now that she was the one, then I wasn’t going to be and that I should quit wasting her time.”

“And what’d you say?” I asked, opening the fridge to get a drink. I grabbed a coke, and grabbed Matt a beer. I handed it to him where he sat at the table.

“I told her she was right.”

“Ouch.” I answered, wincing.

“I know. I know it was a horrible thing to say, but it had to be said. Everything she said was right. If I wanted to really be with her, I wouldn’t be so excited to leave. I would be thinking marriage by now. I mean hell, we’ve been together for practically forever, and here I am still wondering if I’m in love with her. She was trying to bully me into proposing. She wanted me to say that even though I was leaving, I would promise to come back and marry her. She had every right to want a promise, she’s already invested a lot of time in us. But I wasn’t willing to make a promise that I’m really not sure if I can keep.”

We were both quiet for a moment. I knew he had done the right thing, but it still had to hurt both him and Kellie. I felt a little bad for her, but in the end I knew Matt was doing the right thing. His phone went off again, breaking the silence.

“She keeps calling. Offering alternatives for us to be together. First she wanted to move up here, and then she got mad at me for not trying to talk her out of it, then she called to try to find out where I planned to be in five years to see if it matched up with her plan and if maybe we could work something out. I keep telling her, you do what you want, but right now we’re just not going to work. But she just keeps calling.”

“So now what are you going to do?” I asked.

He shrugged, sighing. He looked defeated. “I think I’m just going to ignore her. I don’t really know what else to do. You have any ideas?”

“I mean, if you’ve already told her you’re done? I don’t think there’s much else you can do hon.” I smiled sympathetically. He nodded, taking a long swig of beer.

“I’m glad your home Ella. The place was a little lonely.” He said, standing to head back to his room.

“I’m glad to be home.” I called to him. It was true, even though I wished Drew was here, it did feel good to be back at home.

I walked over to the counter where we placed the mail, and began sorting through it. Halfway through, I smelled flowers. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them. The flowers Jason sent. Panic cramped my stomach, and for a second, I was afraid to really look at them.

“Stupid.” I muttered to myself. “They’re just flowers, they aren’t going to bite.” With that little pep talk, I crossed the room to read what Matt had deemed to personal to tell me over the phone.

Whatever Wednesday: I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight...

It's been a shitty week. I've been in a sad/bummed mood and I keep trying to shake myself out of it, and I can't. It's true, when it rains, it pours, and right now it feels like it's coming down awfully hard.

George went home. He's doing OK, I guess. There's not much to do, we wait till after Thanksgiving, he gets his heart stents put in, and then I guess they'll tell us what our next step is. It's a whole bunch of waiting, which I was never really good at.

I do want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughts, prayers, well wishes, understanding... It honestly means more to me than you'll ever know. I wouldn't say I'm not a religious person, but I do think that I have a slightly less than traditional view on the whole thing, but people offering up prayers REALLY makes me feel good. I don't even consider it a really religious thing. There's just something really nice about a bunch of people sending their good thoughts for you out into the universe, you know? Anyway, again, thank you SO much for that.

But, after the whole George debacle, we came home to find our bank account was over drafted. Turns out the direct deposit my husband was supposed to get Thursday didn't come till Friday. So everything we paid for Thursday pretty much bounced. Then, to top it all off, not only was it not there on time, it was short. So. It's been fun.

It just sucks too, because I feel like I can't get a job to help out, because then what will I do with Cayden? Right now we qualify for free childcare, but that'll disappear if I start working, and then pretty much whatever I make will go to childcare, so it'll be like I'm working to have someone else take care of my child. It's dumb. I guess my only other option is to get a 3rd shift job, so Jeremy can watch the baby while I work, but I don't feel super safe doing that. I keep holding off, but if it gets to that, it gets to that.

Then, the grand finale on this, the straw that has broken this camel's back, (and this may be TMI, so...) My period is late. Which you would think I would be excited about, right? Wrong. I took a test. It's negative. I waited a few days and took another, it's still negative. So I'm most likely not pregnant, and on top of that, that means my cycle is messed up, so it's going to be even harder to try to get pregnant.

I'm trying to be positive. I know lots of people have it worse, I know that my situation could get worse. I'm trying to think positively and shake this bad mood, it's just a rough spot, we've had them before, and we've made it through. It's just rough.

How are you all doing? How has your week been?


I'm not sure what the rest of this week looks like as far as posting. I don't have tomorrow's post written yet, the meeting today took WAY longer than I had planned (good news, I may get a job out of it, bad news, I have to help raise a lot of money and I dunno if we'll be able to do it.) Tomorrow Jeremy's off work, and we have a zoo trip planned, plus I think we're going over to his Mom's house, as it's her birthday today. I really feel like I need to spend some time with Jeremy. I feel like the time we've spent together lately has been us trying to deal with his parents and we're both exhausted and stressed, so I'm looking forward to trying to spend a stress free day with him tomorrow.

FB: You can't really place blame cuz blame is much too messy. Some was bound to get on you while you were trying to put it on me

“Neither one of you are being fair to me right now. You both say you care about me, and if that was the case, you would realize how much the other person means to me and wouldn’t be asking me to choose.”

“I’m not the one asking you to pick Jacob. All I want is for you to realize that Michelle is a grown woman, and she’s in charge of how she acts, her past isn’t to blame.” I spoke calmly. Inside, I was freaking out. I was angry at Jacob, sure. And it may have seemed like I was ready to walk away. But, I didn’t really want to lose him. I had a nagging feeling that he would end up picking Michelle, and I’d be left behind.

Michelle didn’t say anything, just stood in the doorway, her arms crossed tight over her chest, starring Jacob down. I felt rage slowly build up in my chest, and all I wanted to do was walk over to her and punch her, but I didn’t think that would help my cause at all.

“I need some time to think.” Jacob said, heading towards the door. Michelle didn’t move out of his way.

“No. I’ve waited long enough for you to come around and I’m not going to wait any longer. What’s it gonna be, Jacob? Her or me?”

Jacob stood in front of her for a moment. His jaw was clenched, I knew he was thinking. Finally, he spoke so low that I couldn’t be sure if I heard him right.
“Michelle, if you make me choose, you aren’t going to like the outcome.”

“Sounds to me like you’ve already chosen.” Michelle spit back. “Say it.” She commanded.

“I’ve already said it. Anyone who really cared about me wouldn’t ask me to choose. Ella’s not telling me to drop you. Why are you telling me to drop her?”

“Did you not hear what she said to me last night?” Michelle’s voice was rising in pitch. I knew she was upset, and for a second felt bad for her.

“You and I both know that you weren’t entirely innocent in all that.”

“Whatever Jacob. I don’t have all day, who’s it going to be? Her or me?”

“It’s her. If you’re making me pick, then I have to pick Ella.”

The room was totally silent for a moment. Nobody spoke, nobody moved, I don’t even think anyone breathed or blinked. Then Michelle shot me the meanest look I have ever seen come out of anyone’s eyes, turned on her heel, and stormed out. Both Jacob and I winced at the sound of the slamming door. With a squeal of tires, she was gone.

“Jake…” I said, breaking the silence. “I’m sorry.”

He turned to look at me, as if he forgot I was even there.

“Don’t be Ella. You didn’t make me pick, she did. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s hers. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m just so used to protecting Michelle that I just assume that everyone is really out to get her. I should have known something else was going on.”

“Do you… Do you still want me to go back home with you?” I asked. Even though Jacob had picked me, I couldn’t be sure we were still together. Regardless of why I said what I said, I did freak out on Michelle, and was harsher than I needed to be. Who knew if that turned him off of me or not?

A slow smile crossed Jacob’s face. “Of course. I need to spend some time with my girlfriend.”

I felt his smile spread to my own face as I crossed the room to give him a tight hug.
“I care about you a lot, Ella. I want this to work.” He said softly.

“Me too.” I answered.

We went downstairs, where I was greeted awkwardly by Toni. I was still angry with her for meddling, and I had the feeling she was probably upset at me for handling things the way I did. While Jason and Nick acted happy to see me, Toni mainly ignored me, and so did Drew. I wanted to ask Drew if he was upset that Michelle was gone, and if they had made any plans to hang out again, but I knew it would just come out sounding like I was snooping. And, I didn’t know if I really even wanted to know. If he WAS hanging out with Michelle again, did that mean that they were going to start a relationship? If so, I don’t think I could hold my tongue and keep my opinion on that matter to myself, which would in turn start another fight, and really, I was tapped out for the day.

I also noticed Jason watching Jacob and I, frowning when I sat on Jacob’s lap, or rolling his eyes when Jacob would kiss me. I wondered if he missed Kayla, and wanted to suggest that he call her and see if she wanted to come over and hang out with us. But, I wasn’t sure if that would set him off or not, and again, I wasn’t looking for any more fights today.

Eventually Jacob and I decided to head back to the hotel, where we met up with his Mom to have dinner. She didn’t ask about Michelle, and I wondered if she had bumped into her at the hotel or just assumed Michelle was elsewhere. Then that led me to wondering if Michelle was still at the hotel, which made me so nervous that I couldn’t really concentrate. I got the feeling that Michelle was a little nuts, and I didn’t know her well enough to know what kind of stunt she would pull while she was angry. While eating dinner, Jacob excused himself to go to the bathroom. I was so busy looking around for Michelle that I didn’t hear Sandy speak.

“I’m sorry, what’d you say?” I asked, forcing my eyes to look at Sandy.

“I said, Michelle left. So don’t worry.”

My heart sank a little. So Sandy did know what had happened.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked.

“No. I’m a little disappointed.” She said, which stung. “But, I think Michelle needed that. Jacob told me what you said, about everyone offering up her past as an excuse for her present behavior, and you’re right. We do. And you’re also right when you say it’s not OK. It isn’t. Michelle, however, is the reason Michelle isn’t here right now. She’s the one who offered up the ultimatum, and so she only has herself to blame for where she’s at right now. She’s used Jacob as a crutch for so long, maybe some space will do her some good. I still believe she’ll be back, with her tail between her legs. I just hope she’s done some growing in the meantime.”

I dropped the conversation when Jacob came back to the table. I knew even if he didn’t blame me for Michelle’s leaving, it still had to be a sore spot for him. I knew Jason could be a huge jerk, but if he were to ever drop out of my life for good, I would still miss him. We finished up dinner, talking about what we were going to do when we got back to Jacob’s home town. Sandy promised to show me baby pictures, and when Jacob groaned she got an evil smile on her face, and started telling embarrassing stories. I hadn’t laughed that hard in so long.

“Hey guys, I think the waiter’s giving us the stink eye. I think he wants this table.” Jacob said.

I looked around and noticed that the hotel restaurant WAS pretty full.

“Wanna move this party to the bar?” I asked. I didn’t want to get drunk, but I also wasn’t ready for the night to be over. I liked talking to Sandy, and I figured we could nurse a couple of drinks while she told some more stories.

“Oh.” She said, looking a little embarrassed. “I’m a recovering alcoholic. Being in a bar isn’t really comfortable for me.” She said.

“Oh…” I replied.

I was quiet for a moment, a little embarrassed by my mistake. Jake and his Mom made plans for a night swim. I agreed to grab a book and sit down by the pool with them. Heading up to the room from the restaurant, we passed the bar, and I remembered. If Sandy didn’t drink, and being in a bar was uncomfortable, what was she doing in the bar, alone, last night?

All I really wanna do is love you a kind much closer than friends use

Drew opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the hostess calling our names to be seated. I couldn’t read his face as we walked in, it seemed to be a mix of emotions. Annoyance, doubt, relief? Or was I just reading too much into all of this?

We sat down, Drew picking up his menu and studying it. I followed suit, not sure if I should try to bring up the conversation again, or if I should just wait and see if he brought it up, or drop it all together. The waitress came over to take our drink orders. I kept scrambling, trying to figure out what to say to him, how to bring the topic back up. I wanted answers, but I didn’t know how to get them, other than just blurt them out, and I didn’t want to handle things like that. I wanted to be in control, but realized how badly I was failing at that.

Breakfast was… Awkward. It was full of long pauses, of one of us opening our mouths to say something, only to decide better of it. We basically sat there and listened to conversations around us and watched each other chew. He asked about my job, I asked again about his parents. Safe topics that he and I had already covered earlier in the week. We both ate quickly, and I waited outside while he stood in line to pay the check.

Standing outside by myself, I suddenly got very sad. The whole reason I hadn’t wanted to admit my feelings to Drew was because I didn’t want anything to change, I didn’t want to lose him. That breakfast proved that everything had already changed.
Drew walked out, and took a look around.

“It’s a really nice day. You want to take a walk over to the park?”

I nodded, too lost in my own thoughts to actually speak. We started walking, and the silence came back.

Maybe I would go home, get some space from Drew, and everything would go back the way it was. Maybe it was just an awkward situation that with time, we would get over. But if that was the case, if I admitted my feelings to him, and that was awkward, wouldn’t we get over it too? And at least then I would know for sure that I had tried. And if we couldn’t get over this awkward situation, then what else did I have to lose? I would have already lost him, so I might as well take a chance, right?
I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Jason popped into my head. I felt a shiver run through me, even though, for a fall day, it was pretty warm outside. My heart ached a little. I missed Jason. I missed him so badly, and while I didn’t want to go that route with Drew… I couldn’t help but think maybe, had I just confessed to Jason on how I felt… Maybe he’d still be around. Maybe he would have married me, or maybe we would have seriously given a relationship a try, realized it didn’t work, and gone back to being friends. Maybe we’d still be where we were at now, at a dead end road, with no options other than to just walk away. But, at least I would know. At least I wouldn’t be sitting around for the rest of my life, wondering, questioning, and agonizing over all the “might have beens” and “could have beens” and “if onlys”.

We had stopped by the pond, standing on a small bridge. Drew was pressed up against it, looking down into the water, and I was just standing there, thinking. Decided, finally, that thinking had gotten me pretty much nowhere, I decided all I could do was act.

I didn’t realize that I had been starring at him, but he must have felt my eyes on him, because he turned to look at me. I took a deep breath and kissed him.
A sense of déjà vu came over me, kissing Drew by a fountain, all the same feelings overcoming me all over again. And I realized, even if this ended badly, I had to do it.

I couldn’t read Drew. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t reach for me either. He still stood with his arms over the top of the bridge, leaning against it, his face turned towards me and his lips against mine. Unlike last night, I wasn’t afraid to pull away. I needed to see his reaction.

While I believed in soul mates, and think everyone has a perfect match, I also thought that your soul mate didn’t have to be in a romantic sense. I had met mothers and daughters who were soul mates, sisters who were soul mates, best friends who were soul mates. As I’ve said before, I really believed that my dog was my soul mate. I thought all soul mate really meant was that you were two halves on the same whole. When it comes to romance, I believed there were millions of people out there that you could be compatible with. While I knew I cared for Drew, probably a lot more than I was willing to admit, if it didn’t work out, I was just glad to know. I really believed that I would be able to move on. Maybe that’s why I was so stuck on Jason, I never got a clear cut answer on how he felt about me or where we stood. I was excited to see Drew’s reaction, even if it was bad. I was excited to be able to move on with my life, whether that meant I was in a relationship with Drew, or trying to get over my feelings for Drew.

He pulled back first, which made my stomach drop. While I realized I would be OK if Drew didn’t feel the same way about me, it’s not what I hoped for. I hoped that he did care about me, I hoped we could try for something.

“So. What was that about?” He said, after a moment.

“I guess fountains do it for me.” I joked. He smiled.

It was quiet for a moment, and I admit, I panicked. Were we just going to go back and not talk about it again? Would I not get the answers? All my courage had been used up when I took the leap and kissed him, I wasn’t sure that I could be the one to bring any questions on what we were doing up. I wasn’t sure if his way of letting me down easy was just avoiding the issue all together.

“Ella. You asked if I kissed you last night because I was drunk. And the truth is… Yeah. I did. If I wasn’t drunk, I never would have kissed you.”

My heart sunk, I felt like I was going to either throw up or cry, neither of which I really wanted to do in front of Drew. I turned away from him, trying to gather myself.

“Hey.” He said softly, grabbing my arm gently and turning me towards him. “I have had… feelings for you since the first day that I met you. I’ve put them on hold for so long because it’s always been about you and Jason. I never thought I had a chance. When he got married, I thought, well. Maybe she’ll get over him now. But, it still didn’t happen. And then even when I did see you making steps towards getting over him, I thought, well, the time’s not right. It’s too soon. And then I guess I psyched myself out. It was never going to be the right time, even if you did get over Jason, you wouldn’t go for me because we were friends and you’d be afraid that the same thing would happen. So. I kept my mouth shut. I figured if you could get over Jason, than I would be able to get over you eventually.”

He paused for a minute, and I didn’t know if he wanted me to say something, or what I could even say. I was speechless. I didn’t know if this was an “I’m finally over you” speech or what.

“But, last night… We were drinking, and you looked so cute, and I hadn’t seen you smile like that in such a long time, and the moment was just so right…. And I was drunk, so I did it. I figured if you reacted badly, I could blame it on the alcohol. It might be awkward for a second, but we’d get over it. I kissed you because I was drunk, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to kiss you. I’ve wanted to kiss you for… Well. Forever.”

This is exactly what I wanted to happen, but I still didn’t know how to react.

“Do you care if I maybe kiss you now that I’m sober?” He asked, looking shy.

I smiled and shook my head. He touched my face, gently brushing a thumb across my lips. Then he took my face in both hands, gently, and brought my face to his. And even though I had done a lot of kissing of Drew these last few days, this was the best one yet. I thought my heart was going to explode, and when he pulled away this time, I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face.

Note:

Thank you all for your well wishes, thoughts, prayers, ect. I finished the half post today and posted it below. For those of you who haven't check in a few days because you weren't expecting a post, I have posted two new ones below, and so we're all caught up from last week.

We're going to be switching the schedule to a whenever/whatever I can do schedule. I'm going to try my best to maintain the old schedule, but things are so up in the air right now I don't know what's going on. I know I don't have to worry about the blog at all, but honestly it's such a nice distraction. My brain is so fried from everything, that I liked being able to escape into Ella's world and deal with some entertaining drama. Right now there's nothing I can do, anyway. I would even just keep up the old schedule, but my laptops still broken, so I have to use our desktop to write, and that makes my writing schedule a little more limited. So. We'll see how it goes. Again, I know I don't have to worry about it, and trust me, I won't stress myself out about it, but I do like to do it. SO I'm going to try.

As far as what's going on with my Father in law... The second surgeon came in and did say that a heart bypass isn't an option. So, we had to wait around for the first surgeon to come around and let us know what they were going to do. It's just SUCH a mind game, I feel like, all this waiting. I mean, I get it, surgeons are busy people. And they are important, they're doing things that save peoples lives. But, I don't understand why they can't give you a time frame on when they'll be there. A ballpark estimate. You have to wait around all day, and God Forbid you leave to eat or pee, because they may come then, and you may miss them. It's just so frustrating. I mean my Father in law isn't senile, and he can make his own decisions. But, he is hard of hearing, and the surgeon had a very thick accent, making it even more difficult to understand him. And, my father in law doesn't really always know what questions to ask. So, we really needed to be there. And it was just really difficult trying to schedule it so Jeremy was off work and I could find someone to watch Cayden and just... My brain is so overloaded that it seriously took me a good 10-15 minutes to figure out what to give Cayden for Breakfast. I just stood in the kitchen, looking at everything. It's not like we didn't have anything, just the thought of deciding whether to give him milk or juice, or whether to give him a cereal bar or actually cereal... Was just WAY too much for me. Then I sent an email to a friend before I had even finished writing. Like, I seriously was in the middle of a sentence and went down to click send. It's crazy.

Anyway, so the first surgeon finally came back. They're going to have him back in sometime after thanksgiving to put heart stents in his partially blocked artery. They said there's nothing they can do for the ones that are completely blocked. They said weight loss and the plavix might help, but for this partially blocked one, they're hoping that the stents will open it up a little and at least get a little better blood flow. So, its basically back to waiting and praying that he doesn't have a heart attack in the mean time.

Again, thanks for all the well wishes, and I do really appreciate all the support.

Lay down a list of what is wrong

“I don’t have anything to say to you.” I answered, hating the fact that I was stuck on the floor at his feet like some sort of dog.

“Well, maybe then I need to talk. And you need to listen.” He answered, lowering himself on the ground next to me.

“I don’t want to listen.” I tried, lamely.

“Ella.” He said with a sigh. He waited a minute, to see if I was going to get up and leave. When I didn’t, he continued.

“What you said to Michelle was way out of line. Jealousy isn’t a good look on you, Ella….”

“For the last fucking time, I am NOT jealous of Michelle..” I yelled. He looked shocked for a minute, and then just pissed off. I didn’t let it stop me though.

“I love how everyone just assumes that I lashed out because of jealousy. Did you ever stop to think that there was another reason? Did you ever think to, oh, I dunno, ask me why I did what I did?”

“I asked Michelle and she said…”

“Oooh, and Michelle can’t lie? I’ll admit Jacob, that I was NOT a happy camper when I walked in last night and you had your arm around Michelle. I mean, what the hell was THAT anyway? I left the hotel with Jason because I thought it might look bad. I thought maybe me being alone in a hotel room with my ex boyfriend MIGHT make you a little uncomfortable. So even though I was tired, and just wanted to lay down and veg out for a little bit, I went back out to find YOU. But you never ONCE thought about me last night at all. Not when I was sitting alone in the bowling alley, bored out of my skull, not when I left to go back to the hotel room, and not even after I stormed off, by myself, at night. You didn’t even bother to pick up the phone and send a ‘I’m still pissed but are you OK’ text. The only one you were ever concerned with was Michelle. So maybe you’re with the wrong girl. Maybe you should just be with Michelle.”

“Ella you ripped her a new one in front of EVERYONE. What was I supposed to do? ‘Oh sorry ‘Chelle, my girlfriend was just a huge bitch to you for what looks like no reason. Let me go find HER and make sure she’s OK’?”

“No. But again, you didn’t even bother to take five seconds to send a text to make sure I wasn’t lying somewhere raped and strangled. And even coming in here now, instead of asking me why I did what I did, you jump to conclusions. You assume Michelle is right, and I’m wrong, and I’m just some huge crazy bitch. And if that’s the case, then why are you even here?”

“Because I wanted to talk to you!” He yelled back, frustrated.

“Then why didn’t you talk? Why did you come in here shooting off accusations and not even bothering to ask me why I did what I did, or if I was OK?” I was crying now. Last night I had been pissed off, but now that had gone away, and all I was left with was the hurt. I was even more embarrassed that I was showing the hurt. I didn’t want him to know he had gotten to me, I wanted to appear like I didn’t care what he thought. But, I did.

“Ella…” He sighed. His voice was softer, but there was still a touch of frustration on it. You could tell he was still angry, but that he didn’t want to hurt me either.

“It doesn’t matter Jacob. It’s not a big deal. I’m going home, you can go on with Michelle, and it’s fine.”

“But it’s NOT fine, do I even get a choice? Are you even going to listen to what I want?”

“I don’t see why I SHOULD listen. How would you feel if you and Jason got into a fight, and you stormed off and I didn’t even call you to make sure you were OK? And then, when I do see you, instead of asking what happen, I just assume it was all your fault? It doesn’t sound like you were even willing to listen to me, so why should I listen to you?”

Jacob was quiet for a moment. I could tell he was thinking over what I had to say.

“Look, I’m not saying I wasn’t wrong to do what I did. I was being a brat. I was tired, cranky, sore, and yes, I was a little jealous. I handled it badly. I’m willing to admit that. But what I’m not willing to do is say that I was entirely to blame. Michelle has done her fair share of pushing my buttons. She was just made sure to do it when no one else was around.”

“Do you think maybe you’re just being a tad paranoid? Maybe a little more jealous that you’re willing to admit? I mean I’ve known Michelle for a long time…”
“Right, and again, you’re just willing to assume she’s perfect and didn’t do anything wrong. How is this going to work when you’re not willing to trust me? Or even listen to me. Jacob I watched her flirt with Sean. When I went to the bathroom at the party the other night, they were off alone in a corner together. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she didn’t realize he was married. So I went over there and I mentioned his wife in front of her. Then she followed me in the house and told me that I didn’t have to worry about her breaking us up…”

“See! She’s trying to reassure you!” Jacob chimed in before I could finish.

“…Because she knew you’d tire of me and throw me away like the rest.” I finished.

Again, Jacob was quiet.

“Jason has even told me about the looks he sees her give me. She doesn’t like me. She’s jealous of me. And again, I can admit that I’m a little jealous too. No girl is going to LOVE that her boyfriend is best friends with another girl. However, I also have been in that position, I’ve also been treated poorly just because I was a guy’s friend. I know how irritating it is, because I would never get between Drew and his girlfriend or Jason and his girlfriend. So I was willing to give her a chance. She wasn’t willing to give ME the chance. And, I have to suspect too, since I doubt I’m your first girlfriend ever, that you’ve probably had this issue with Michelle before. I can’t be the first one she’s tried to run out on a rail.”

I waited for him to say something, and he still didn’t speak.
“Am I right?” I pressed.

“She’s had some issues before. But, I mean, that’s not the reason we broke up.”
“Really? Because honestly, if we had dated for a long time, I wouldn’t have been able to put up with Michelle. It’s draining.”

“She’s had a rough life, Ella.”

“Yeah, I know. Your Mom told me all about it. Everyone keeps offering it up like it’s some sort of an excuse, but it’s not.”

“It’s not an excuse Ella, it’s just… A reason.”

“No, it’s not, it’s an excuse. I should be more tolerant of Michelle and the way she is because her childhood was rough. I’m sorry that her childhood was bad. I really am. I see kids all the time, and it’s so unfair that they have to go through the things they do. Some of their situations… I don’t think full grown adults could handle. But at some point, you have to get over it. You can’t keep clinging to it, saying it’s OK to act whatever way you want because this bad thing happened to you when you were a kid. You have to work through your issues, and you have to move on. A LOT of people have had bad lives and have been placed in horrible situations. It doesn’t give them a pass to do whatever they want.”

“You don’t understand, Ella. You don’t know everything. And, it’s easy for you to say something like that when you haven’t been through something like that.”

“I’ve been through plenty, Jacob. Maybe not as bad as Michelle has been through, but I’ve also seen kids who have been through worse and act better than she does. Life is hard on everyone at some point. One person’s mountain is another’s molehill, and vice versa. Life is rough, it’s unfair, bad things happen to good people. I’m willing to tolerate Michelle’s behavior as long as she is working on getting better about it. But, I am not willing to give her a free pass just because her life sucked at some points. So, it’s up to you to decide what to do with that.”

“Are you saying it’s you or her? Are you giving me an ultimatium?”

“In a way, yeah.” I said, shrugging. “I don’t expect you to drop her, but I’m also telling you that I’m not tolerating anymore bitchy behavior.”

“What does that even mean?” He asked, clearly frustrated.

I was about to open my mouth to answer, when I heard Michelle’s voice chime in.

“She doesn’t have the guts to say it, so I will. It’s her or me. What’s it gonna be Jacob?”

i know i said the blog was on pause but im stuck at home till someone can get off work and watch cayden. he's napping and while i was playing around trying to make my laptop work i somehow opened an on screen keyboard. so i was able to get to my files. i thought i had two posts done but it turns out its just one and a half... so. sorry to about the punuation.

....But I still can't say it after all we've been through

Toni tried to push me into going back to Drew’s, but I refused, and to my surprise, she relented pretty easily. I knew I would have to face him, and Toni was right, it was time to put up or shut up. I had a habit of ducking out when things got rough, and honestly that’s probably what cost me Jason.
Jason.
His name popping into my head made me heart ache a little. I wondered where he was right now. If he had settled back into his life with Kayla. I desperately wanted to talk to him. Jason had a way of taking the tangled, jumbled mess of thoughts in my head and straightening them all out. I wanted to talk to him about Drew, to help me fix this. I even went so far as to reach for the phone a couple of times, but I knew it would just add to the mess.
Though, even without him being here, it added to the mess. This is what happened with Jason. We fell in love, and we gave into that, and look where we were now. I didn’t have him anymore. Is that what would happen with Drew too?
However, on the flip side of that, maybe Jason and I would have worked if I would have fought for him instead of walking away. But, if that was the case, did that mean Jason was ‘the one’ and now I had missed out on that?
My thoughts WERE jumbled, and I started off on one train, and end up jumping track and heading in a different direction. Eventually I realized I was just going back and forth, and that I wasn’t getting any answers, all I was doing was giving myself a HUGE headache. I tried to force myself to turn off my thoughts and go to bed, but it wasn’t working. My head was filled with Drew and Jason, and my stomach burned from all the panic I kept swallowing. I kept glancing at the clock and thinking “8 hours until I have to see him and I have no idea what to do…. 7 hours until I see him and I have no idea what to do… 6 hours…”
That’s when I heard Izzy start to stir. She was just whimpering, but I knew her routine from Toni. She’d whimper for a few moments, and if you didn’t go get her, she’d let out an extremely loud cry. Toni had complained about it because they usually never heard her before the cry, but the cry was so loud, it would often wake Kyle up, and then Nick and Toni both had to get up to try to get two kids back to sleep.
Rather than going to wake Nick or Toni up, I slipped into Izzy’s room. I scooped her up, sat in the plush rocking chair, and she nuzzled down into my arms. I reached for the bottle that was left on the side table, and popped it into her mouth. She sucked happily, not bothering once to open her eyes.
The thing about babies is, you can’t hold one and think of anything else. The second Izzy settled into my arms, Drew and Jason left my thoughts. All I could think about is how good holding a baby felt, how perfect her tiny features were. How trusting she must be, to stay asleep while someone scooped her up and stuck something into her mouth. I started rocking back and forth, finally calm on the inside.

I must have fallen asleep in Izzy’s room, because I woke to Toni easing her out of my arms.
“What time is it?” I mumbled.
“Eight. Izzy woke up last night?”
“Yeah. She didn’t cry, just started fussing, but I was awake anyway so…”
Toni nodded, setting Izzy on the changing table to change her diaper.
“You coming to breakfast with us?” I asked nervously.
“Ella I really think you need to do this on your own.” Toni answered, using one hand to hold Izzy down while she reached for a fresh diaper.
“Drew loves the kids though, and it’ll seem so weird and forced if you guys don’t show. Just. Breakfast. And then you guys can make an excuse about seeing Nick’s Mom or something and leave.” I was begging. I knew I sounded pathetic. I couldn’t help it, I just needed some more time.
“Ella, no.” Toni answered firmly. “I know you, you’ll come up with an excuse for us to stay longer and you’ll put this whole thing off, and you’ll end up running away, again, like you always do.”
“Just breakfast, I swear.”
“I already called Drew and told him we were busy. He’s picking you up by nine, so you better go get ready.” Toni replied, picking up Izzy.
“Why are you trying to push me on Drew?” I snapped. I knew I was just angry because she wasn’t coming with me, and I knew that wasn’t very grown up of me.
“I’m not trying to push you on Drew. I’m trying to make you act like a grown woman who faces her problems and makes decisions.”
The thing I loved about Toni is most of the time she ignored my temper tantrums, and didn’t engage in them. She said what she had to say very calmly, and then she left the room with Izzy. I pouted in the rocker for a moment, and then decided that like it or not, I had to have breakfast with Drew. And I definitely needed a shower before that happened. I luckily had left a stash of clothes over here from the last time I crashed at Nick and Toni’s, so I wouldn’t have to do the walk of shame wearing a Jessica Rabbit costume and without the satisfaction of actually getting laid.
It was hard to get ready. Part of me wanted to make sure I looked really good. Part of me wanted me to tone it down. Eventually I just decided on a middle ground. I dried my hair, but I didn’t bother with makeup.
Drew was a few minutes early, and I spent that time sitting in the guest room, pretending like I was still getting ready, when I was pep-talking myself the entire time. I had to pretty much force myself out of the room and down the stairs.
“So. Where do you want to go?” Drew asked, walking to his truck.
“Pancakes.” I said. “I want pancakes.”
“So. Mom and Pop’s?”
“Sounds good to me.

Mom and Pop’s had another name, but nobody really ever cared to find out what it was. The place was a Mom and Pop shop, so everyone just called it Mom and Pop’s. The place was run by an ancient woman who still did all her cooking from scratch. It was a tiny place, and usually pretty crowded, but Drew and I always managed to snag a seat at the bar.
This time though, Drew put us on the wait list for an actual table.
“What’s up with that?” I asked, as we walked outside where it was less crowded to wait for our name to be called.
“I’m not all that hungry yet. Plus, I dunno. I think maybe we should talk?” He wasn’t looking at me.
“About?” I asked, starting to squirm.
“Last night?” He offered.
“Drew…”
“Ella, I kissed you because I was drunk, and I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to get all weird between us. I know you’re having Jason issues right now, and I know that was probably the worst time ever to be so careless and stupid. It was the alcohol. It won’t happen again.”
My heart sank. So it was because he was drunk? I didn’t want to ask this next question, but I knew if I didn’t, I’d be left wondering, possibly for the rest of my life.
“Drew. Is the alcohol the ONLY reason you kissed me?”
He looked nervous, and I couldn’t tell if he was nervous because it wasn’t the only reason, or because he could tell that I hoped it wasn’t the only reason.

The blog is on pause

It's been a week of ups and downs. My laptop busted, but we won our vacation. My husband got hired at a new place that's closer to home, pays more, and he'll be working again with an old friend. But, my Father in law's surgery didn't go well.

Everything's really up in the air right now, so I can't give any for sure answers. I do know right now that the best thing to do is to put the blog on pause. I'm hoping it's just for the rest of this week and the weekend, which wouldn't really be that long, but since I don't really have any answers.... I don't know how to give you guys any.

Here's what happened: I finally found out today that the name of the heart thingy my Father in law was having was called a heart cath. They stick a cath through your groin and go up your body to your heart and take a look around. What they were hoping would happen is that they could find the block, and fix it with an angioplasty (they stick a balloon in there, and blow it up so it clears the block) We thought the WORST case scenario would be that he would need a by-pass. We were wrong.

They went in and found that my Father in law is completely blocked. I believe the surgeon said he has ONE artery not completely blocked, and that one is 1/2 blocked. The surgeon says that it's so bad, he doesn't think they can even do a bypass to fix it. He compared it to a highway: If there was an accident, you could go around it and still get where you're going. My father in laws "highway" is gone. No way to get around it. What this surgeon wants to do is discharge my father in law tomorrow, put him on plavix, then bring him back in a week or two to put in stents. Then he wants my father in law to lose at LEAST 120 lbs (and he suggested he do this by gastric bypass, because with my father in laws artificial knees and bad heart, he can't really exercise too much. But, he's not a cardiac surgeon, so he wanted a consult with a cardiac surgeon. Who, we waited around ALL day today to hear from, and didn't. When we asked what time they thought he would be there tomorrow (so we could be there) they told us they didn't know. He could be there at 6 AM, he could come at 8 PM.

So now we're scrambling, trying to figure out how to be there so we can talk to the surgeon. My husband was supposed to work tomorrow (They're keeping my father in law overnight because he didn't do so well with the test. His blood pressure skyrocted and so did his blood sugar, and they couldn't pull his cath out for awhile because his blood was too thin, and then before we left, his blood pressure was too low. So.) , he doesn't have any vacation time. I don't have any one to watch Cayden so I can go over there. We talked about taking my Mother in law over in the morning and she could sit with him, but honestly... I don't think she really understands what's going on. We've been wondering for awhile if she's borderlining on senile, and then today she didn't even listen/hear or possibly remember the surgeon saying that my FIL would need to come back in 2 weeks for the stent surgery. I just don't know if she'd be able to take in all that information, remember it, and be able to ask all the questions we have. It's just a mess. I have no idea where to start figuring this out.

Again, I'm sorry for everything that's going on. I know you guys understand, and I REALLY appreciate that, but I still feel bad. I DO enjoy writing the blog, I know we were at a "cliffhanger" so to speak, but I just don't know if we're going to be able to get to a store to buy a replacement keyboard, and I don't know when I'll be able to write, and I just honestly don't know anything anymore. I feel like they're telling us that our best choice is to take home a ticking time bomb and hope that it doesn't go off. If he can get the bypass, it's dangerous, and who knows if he'll make it? If he can't get the bypass, he HAS to lose weight, and his BEST option for losing weight is another dangerous surgery. I feel very much like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't, and I just don't know. That's all I keep saying is I just don't know.

Please, continue to keep us in your thoughts, in your prayers, whatever.

I deleted the other post and for those of you who had a chance to read it, I wanted to explain why:

I did wake up this morning, and I was over it. I wrote it when I was angry/emotional and just wanted to vent. I did get one "negative" comment, so I was kind of hesitant to delete it thinking "well, maybe the think I just deleted it because of that." That's not the case. The negative comment was against me, but it wasn't written in a mean way, and I agree with a FEW of the points (I did disagree with some of it too though.) I just kind of want to forget it now.

So, for EVERYONE who responded, thanks. I feel better, it's not important anymore. I do have to ask today that you guys keep my Father in law in good thoughts/prayers/whatever, and I'll try to pop back around and let you know what's going on asap.

Possibly bad news

My son just spilled water all over my lap top. I have a desktop, which is how I'm writing to you now, but I only have the blog saved on my laptop. It wasn't a direct hit, but it did get pretty wet, and right after it happened, my laptop was clicking at me. We blow-dried it off, and now we're letting it sit over night to see if that helps, but there may or may not be a post tomorrow.

Sorry guys, it's a bad week for this to happen, seeing as how I'm skipping a post Thursday... But it was totally unexpected. My son has been a terror today and I really think he's hitting his terrible twos early.

Update: As of right now, it looks like it's not going to work. The good news is, it's just a few buttons on the keyboard that's messing up, but the few keys are also the ones I need to use in my password in my login. I wish now I hadn't password protected stuff, but I took my laptop to camp with me and I did it then to keep all the kids out of my stuff, and just never took it off. The good news is, since it's just the keyboard, I can most likely just buy an external keyboard and plug it into my USB port, and everything should be OK. The bad news about that is, I probably won't be able to get to it till the weekend. I'm still hoping though that I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be dried out and working. Sorry again guys. But, I will leave you guys on another good note (for me at least) We found out tonight that we won a trip to the Bahamas. So. Yay!

FB: It's just one of those days that a girl goes through

I was stunned into silence for a moment. Seriously? They were both jealous?

“Why?”

Jason laughed a little. “Well, I think it’s pretty obvious? I mean, no girl lieks it when another girl is as close to her boyfriend as you and I are. You’re my best friend Ella. I don’t think anything’s ever going to change that. I think Kayla knows that, and it makes her jealous.”

“I can get that. But why are you jealous?”

This caused Jason to sigh. “Well, Ella. It works in both ways, ya know? I mean you can’t tell me you aren’t a little jealous of Kayla, can you?”

I pursed my lips and looked at the floor.

“Like I said, you’re my best friend. Nothing’s going to change that for me. But, I wonder if having a boyfriend is going to change it for you? I’m not used to sharing you. I’ve always had you to myself.”

When he said that, I got chills down my spine, and felt a blush rise to my face. I swallowed loudly.

“You think I’m jealous of Michelle, don’t you?”
Jason shot me a “well duh” look.

“I am. A little. I can’t lie about that. But I would get over it. I mean honestly Jason, you’ve never seen me go off on Kayla like I did Michelle, and she broke my ankle!”

“That was an accident!” He exclaimed.

Now it was time to shoot him my own “yeah, right” look.

“The point is, I’m very good at checking my jealousy. I didn’t go off on Michelle because I’m jealous of her. I went off on her because she’s Satan’s little slut.”

“You don’t think you’re being the tiniest bit hard on her?” He asked.

“Are you serious?” I asked, ready to explode again.

“Hear me out, OK?” He said, looking at me. I didn’t respond. “It’s true, Michelle HAS hit on every guy within a thirty mile radius, and had any of us taken her up on the offer, we probably could have gotten some from her. And I’m not saying she’s easy to get along with, I’ve seen the looks she’s shot you. But, it’s not easy either, breaking into a new group. And Ella, you can be intimidating. She's insecure, that's why she throws herself at guys the way she does. Ever think she just might be jealous of you?”

“Why is everyone always telling me to cut Michelle a break?” I whined.

“Because Ella, we all know you’re better than her.”

I sighed. Why was being the better person and doing the right thing ALWAYS the hardest thing to do?

After that, I was spent. We went into Jason’s house and down to his room. Jason offered to sleep on the floor, but I declined. I wanted to cuddle with him, maybe even needed it a little. I knew Kayla might not like it if her boyfriend was cuddling with another girl, and I’m not sure what Jacob would think, but I didn’t care. I knew what they didn’t know, wouldn’t hurt them.

I hate waking up the morning after a fight. It’s almost like waking up with a hangover. You open your eyes, and for a split second, everything is OK. And then you remember: everyone is mad at you, and you’re not willing to apologize. It all comes crashing down on your head.

I yawned and stretched, knocking Jason in the head as I did so. He grumbled and flipped over.

“You may not want to beat the one friend you have left.” He said, rubbing his head.

“Sorry.” I answered, flinging my legs over the side of his bed.

“Where are you going to early?” He asked, rubbing his eyes.

“I need to figure out how I’m getting home.”

“You’re not seriously leaving are you?”

“You seriously expect me to stay? Everyone hates me!”

“Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic?” Jason said, shooting me a look and pulling on a t-shirt.

I sighed. Maybe I was being the tiniest bit dramatic. But, I didn’t doubt that everyone was angry at me. I also knew that I didn’t feel like dealing with it. I love Toni, but I didn’t want to sit there and listen to her lecture me like she was my Mother, I didn’t want to hear Jacob and Drew demand an apology for Michelle, and I most certainly didn’t want to apologize for Michelle. All I really wanted to was stamp my foot and whine “but I don’t wanna” a whole bunch.

“So you’re just gonna give up? Slink out of town?”

“Weren’t you the one just complaining that I was spending too much time with Jacob? Shouldn’t this make you happy?”

“My friend having no back-bone does not really make me happy. Do you really want to give Michelle the satisfaction of knowing she won?”

That did it for me. “Well. My stuff is at Toni’s.”

I did procrastinate on going over there. I was half afraid to see anyone, and I half just didn’t want to deal with it. I took a long shower, and then waited till Jason was out of the shower before I would eat breakfast. I took forever walking to the car. I made him stop and get some coffee, even though he and I both knew I didn’t drink coffee. Finally, we pulled up in front of Toni and Nick’s house. Drew’s car was in the driveway. I didn’t know if I hoped Michelle would be there so I could go off on her some more, or if she wasn’t so it would be relatively drama free.

“Want me to go in with you?” Jason asked.
“Of course.” I said, taking a deep breath and getting out of the car.

It was weird, knocking on the door instead of just walking in. But, I didn’t really feel like ambushing them all, so, I knocked. Drew opened the door.

“Ella.” He said, a little shocked.

“I’m just here to get my stuff.” I said, brushing past him and into the house.
Toni came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on her towel.

“She’s returned. You wanna tell us where you’ve been?” She said.

“With me.” Jason answered, walking in behind me. I didn’t miss the evil look Toni shot him.

“I’m just gonna grab my stuff and then I’m gone.” I said, heading upstairs for the spare bedroom. Toni started after me, but Drew beat her to it, coming upstairs behind me.

“I don’t need any help packing.” I snapped when he entered the room.

“What the hell was that last night?” He asked, leaning against the door frame.
“That was me, tired of being ignored all night, tired of watching Michelle hang all over you guys, tired of watching all of you drool all over her.” I said, slamming some stuff into my bag.

“So it’s a jealousy thing?”

I laughed harshly. “Really? Me jealous of Michelle? No. I was annoyed, yes. I could have gotten the same attention too, if I wanted to parade around in a low cut shirt and shake my goodies in front of a bunch of guys. I’m better than that, and I thought you were too.”

“I thought you were better than shouting insults at a girl you just met because of your own insecurities.” He shot back coolly.

“I’m so out of here.” I fumed.

“That’s it, Ella. Run away because things get a little bit tough. It’s what you always do. Meanwhile you’re ruining things with a really great guy. All because it’s too much work to stick around.”

“I’ve apparently already ruined it. Besides, if that guy was SO great, it would have been him coming after me last night to see what was wrong. He chose Michelle, not me. And any great guy would know that that was the WRONG choice. And YOU’RE included in that.” I picked up my bag and realized I couldn’t carry it and walk down the stairs on crutches. I was angry, hurt, and frustrated, and I just wanted to get the hell home. In my fury, I threw the bag down, where it landed on my foot. Even through the cast, my ankle was jostled, and it HURT. I slumped down to the floor, holding my ankle and crying. Drew came over and weakly tried to pat me on the back, but you could tell he wasn’t too into it. He was still angry. I pushed him away.

“Just get the hell away from me.” I yelled, realizing I was being a baby. It was just one of those days where everything seemed to be going wrong, and the only thing to do was cry and throw a big fit. Which I realized was exactly what I did last night, which got me into this whole mess. I didn’t care though, I just wanted to be alone.

Drew did leave, quickly and quietly.

I sat for a few moments, crying and alternating between cursing myself for being such a brat, and cursing everyone else for making me act this way. I heard tentative steps approaching, and figured it was either Nick or Jason coming to help me with my bag. Drew was mad at me, but he wasn’t cruel, he would have sent someone to help.

I didn’t bother looking up when whoever it was entered the room.

“Can you just carry my bag downstairs so I can get the hell out of here?” I asked, my voice mumbled from where my face was buried in my legs.

“No can do. You and I need to talk.” Jacob said.